::: What prevents you from confronting your emotional baggage?

What makes it so difficult to face your own demons?  Is it shame, resentment, anger, fear, or the fact that you are not ready to do such an introspective work just yet?  There is no good or bad reason, and you do not even have to come to terms with your emotional baggage.  What is emotionally reprehensible is to use it as a justification for being nasty, mean, vicious, and slippery with others.  How many times have you reverted back to what you normally refuse to see to push a toxic agenda?  How much of this emotional baggage has been utilized to develop and then solidify series of unspoken expectations that others were totally unable to meet?  How often did you use your own demons as material for emotional blackmail, so you could get your way while cornering others and discarding their feelings?  It is okay not to be ready to confront the utmost disagreeable.  It stops being acceptable when you use what you resent the most about yourself against others and, ultimately, your own self.

Shame is a very subjective concept.  What is shameful to you is business as usual for someone else.  Shame indicates that there is something somewhere in your universe that clashes with you intrinsic values.  Or is it really about your values?  The unwillingness to identify whether your own set of values has been corrupted by your surroundings is a great handicap, when you seek clarity and resolution with self.  Everything in life can be changed, which naturally includes any choices that you have made until now.  What decision have you taken and about which you are still feeling a strong sentiment of shame today?  What triggers the shame?  Does it have anything to do with you?  Most feelings are reflections of your upbringings.  They were imposed on you, so you would fit-in and relate to those who surround you.  To that effect, would you like to take a blunt look at those beliefs that you have embraced and that are still paralyzing you and your life?  And who does it serve?

::: Is fear discouraging you from moving on with your life?

The fear to hurt, sadden, or disappoint others is your biggest limitation.  The fear to make someone unhappy because of a choice that you utterly need to make forces you to function from a position of no-choice.  And, little by little, no-choice kills your soul.  No-choice gives you no other option but to settle, endure, and deteriorate spiritually and intellectually.  This is the worst service that you can render someone.  This is the worst decision that you can take for yourself.  To negate what you know and consequently maintain the status quo affect negatively all those individuals who gravitate around you and who love you.  However those individuals require a lot of awareness and emotional strength to recognize it, not judge it, and digest it.  The likely absence of emotional strength is what discourages so many men and women from acknowledging what life is requiring from them at this very minute and from sharing what their life-changing epiphanies are.

The fear of the unknown is a myth that this society heavily promotes.  Small changes or adjustments are often times resented because their ramifications are unknown.  Once or maybe twice during a lifetime, a drastic change is needed, so a brand new energy can emerge.  And this energy is absolutely crucial to create a brand new momentum, instead of continuing to entrap all concerned parties inside this uncontrollable bullet train that is going to crash at any moment.  It is true that it is never too late to change.  However the sooner offers better predispositions for everybody’s future.  Do you know of what the future will be made?  Absolutely not!  However when you know deep inside that time has come, there should not be any hesitations.  Now, how do you know that the time has come to shift?  Fear is nowhere to be found in your universe.  You are fearless, because you know that this is the right decision.  You know that everybody is going to benefit from it, whether they want to see it.  If they do not, never stop.

Life is way too short to surrender.  In the meantime, kindness forces you to care about how your decisions affect those you love dearly.  Kindness starts with self.  If you are unkind to yourself, you cannot be kind to anyone else.  To acknowledge and pro-actively act on what you consciously know is best for you and those you love are acts of kindness.  This is not selfishness.  This is not recklessness.  This is a beautiful demonstration of kindness.  The emotional impact that your choices have on your loved ones are undeniable.  But as unpleasant or even excruciating as the consequences are at first, they ultimately create a very positive dynamic for everybody.  It just takes the immense courage to keep the latter in mind at all times, so going back and settling are not possibilities.

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This was my last article.  Thank you for having followed me; some of you actually have for over eight years now.   I am so grateful.  I wish you the absolute best and so much more.

::: Is perfection a lure? 

Growing up, Mary Beth spent countless hours during weekends, locked inside her bedroom, hearing her parents and their “friends,” all adepts of the “lifestyle,” having group sex while watching pornographic movies, downstairs, in the living room.  One Saturday night, at the end of a party, her parents forgot to unlock her door.  The morning after, noticing that her parents were not there and not wanting to be late at her ballet class, she jumped from the second floor of their house, and broke her leg.  Neighbors took care of her and brought her to the hospital.  When I met her, she was forty-two and still limping.  She resented her parents for the kind of relationship that they had created for themselves, and from which, she, in her mind, had ultimately become a victim.  I asked her what her judgments about her parents’ relationship were.  She said, “Selfish, perverted, gross, indecent, narcissistic, obscene, and sickening.  When I had to go live with my grandparents after I broke my leg, I swore to myself that I would never be like my parents.  I swore to myself that I would have a perfect marriage.”

She went to New York University, graduated with a PhD in Child Counseling, met Bart at a Bible study group, married him a year later, had two kids, became highly involved in the community, drove the kids to all their activities, prepared meals for her husband, went on family vacations, never fought with Bart, never raised her voice while talking to the kids, etc.  She had her perfect relationship, so far removed from what she had experienced growing up around her parents.  Moreover, in the community, people viewed Mary Beth and Bart as having the perfect relationship and the perfect family.  That was until the day Mary Beth received an unexpected visit from the police.  Bart had been arrested during his lunch break, caught masturbating in his car, while parked outside of a girls’ school a few miles away from their home.  When I worked with her, she had just been released from the hospital after a second suicide attempt.  Her insatiable goal to build a perfect relationship in reaction to her parents’ had led her to do everything which, in this society, is considered proper and appropriate.  Yet, she realized the hard way that all the judgments she had of her parents actually applied to her own husband, and, therefore, that her marriage was not perfect.

::: Is the thirst for perfection ruling your life?

“To be perfect” is “to be entirely without fault or defect.”  It also means “to correspond to an ideal standard or an abstract concept.”  Would you like to be challenged to find anyone you know, who does not have the slightest fault, or defect?  Perfection simply does not exist.  It is an abstract concept.  Thus, do you think that the search for perfection prevents you from being what you can be, and consequently from moving on with your life?  Deep inside, Mary Beth stills thinks that she can have a perfect relationship with another man.  However she is still traumatized by what happened with Bart, so she refuses to date, fearing that she will re-live the same experience all over again.  How entrapping and limiting is her position?  Why doesn’t she want to learn once for all from such a dreadful experience and change those values and beliefs that are keeping her stuck?  She knows better, and yet she refuses to change her viewpoint.  Her thirst for perfection, something that is impossible, is greater than maintaining her sanity.

How many books, screenplays, and business plans did you start to write before giving up, because at some point you judged that your work was not good enough, not attractive enough, and ultimately not perfect?  How many amazing opportunities have you sacrificed, because of your absolute necessity to be perfect, to be someone, or something that cannot even exist?  Perfection does not exist.  Thus, to demand of someone or something to be perfect is totally insane.  To demand of your own self to be perfect is even more insane.  It does not work.  How many people are currently trying to control your life by forcefully making you believe that you need to be perfect at all times?  In reality, what is their covert goal?  Is it to corner you, so you systematically fear the idea of creating and putting anything out there?  Fear is a wonderful way to contain all the aspirations that an individual may have in life.  It paralyzes.  It never galvanizes.  When you are afraid, stagnation and regression are the sole outcomes.  When you are scared, you cannot create superb relationships with others.  And you certainly cannot create a harmonious relation with yourself.

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The search for perfection is an endless quest.  People who embrace it often times use it as a distraction, so they never have to look at the ramifications of their choices.  They are only consumed by the obsession of being perfect.  Have you ever met someone who prides himself or herself on being perfect or doing things perfectly?  What energy did you sense?  I would seriously doubt that it was calm, expansive and empowering.

::: What does it mean to be single in today’s world?

Singles of the world, are you aware of all the attention that you get every single day? You are at the center of so many conversations! “There must be something wrong with him. At his age, he still hasn’t found a woman! Wait, he wouldn’t be gay, would he? That’s it, maybe he’s gay! Yes! He’s so flamboyant and so high-maintenance sometimes…” You are also at the center of so much pity and compassion. “Poor thing, spending nights and weekends by herself. She must feel so lonely! Maybe we should invite her for Christmas this year. No one should ever stay alone on Christmas.” Thanks to you, people who are involved in a relationship find something to talk about. It makes them feel good about themselves and the decision that they made to be in a relation. But it is also the perfect justification that they use to avoid assessing the significance of their own situation.

There are two types of singles. There are those who cannot bear the judgments others have of them, so they shop for a relationship until they drop, and there are those who are single by choice. Who are the ones who are celebrated? Those individuals who do and say whatever it takes to be in a relationship. And, the others are the weirdoes, the anti-socials, the loners, the drifters, the selfish ones. How many friends will invite you as a stand-alone to a dinner or to a party? And if they do, how often will they be looking at pairing you up with someone, expecting that it will lead to the beginning of a “wonderful love story”, just like the one they pretend to have, so you are finally able to relate to them? And if you choose to resist their favors, how long will it take for them to simply stop calling you?

How many times, in the days that followed a break-up, has a friend jumped on the opportunity to let you know about someone that would be perfect for you? You simply cannot stay alone! It is not an option. It makes you a loser. You have to be a winner. You have to be normal. You have to be like everybody else. You have to be in a relationship, regardless of the price that you need to pay to maintain its existence. You need to fit-in and fully embrace what is expected from you: get married and procreate, so this society can never go extinct.

::: Do you allow your relationships to define you?

Most men and women fear rejection. To that effect what do they do, so they can prove themselves and others that they are worth being seen and heard? They engage in a romantic relationship. Isn’t being in a relationship the ultimate mark of acceptation? So when you judge that you are “still” single, what does it intrinsically mean? It basically signifies that you see yourself as a reject of the society in which you are evolving. It implies that no one wants you, that you are not worthy to be with anyone, or that there is not a single person who is worthy enough to deserve you. Is that true? Or are those just clichés? Singlehood is not bad unless you have decided that it is utterly unacceptable. It is not a fatality or a curse. It is often times required to re-invent yourself.

The thought that only a very few men or women are really worthy of you may be the reality. If this is your reality, are you ready to accept the fact that you are a very rare and precious commodity, even if the price to pay is never to find the adequate mate? How many people who absolutely needed to build a family went on to create a relationship with someone who quickly started to abuse them emotionally, physically, and sometimes both? They got their need satisfied, but at what price? How many single men and women brag about having a strong sense of self and pride themselves in being so independent and professionally successful? That is until they are involved in a relationship. And suddenly their self-confidence turns into the fear of systematically doing something wrong that may perturb and enrage the partner, because the partner requires to be pleased at all times.

Should you use a relationship as a measure of what you inherently are? Do all your relationships define you? If this is the case, you need the presence of someone else in your life, so you are able to determine what the meaning of your existence is. This is extremely risky if this other person does not at least exceed all the standards by which you choose to live your life. And one of those core standards is listen to what you really desire, not what others want for you. This can be highly challenging, because it goes against all the pre-conceived ideas that were shoved down your throat since childhood.

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Do you have to be in a relationship at all costs to feel good about yourself and, ultimately, be yourself? Happiness comes from within. No one else can make you happy. It is your choice. There are relationships that can contribute to expand your horizons, in all areas of your life. And they are the ones that you want to have.

::: Is it easier to put all differences aside, and then move on?

“Then move on to what?” is the key-question. There are many people out there who are mean, nasty, vicious, toxic, or destructive, and they will never change. They were born that way, and they shall remain that way until the end of their lives. Their level of self-disgust is such that they must contaminate what you are at all costs, covertly hoping that you become like them. Very much like viruses, they continually spread, infecting one individual after another. As repulsive and unattractive such behaviors may sound to you, it is crucial to acknowledge that their perpetrators actually thrive on being that way. When you are the target of such a deleterious energy, are you instantly inclined to resist it and react to it? But wait a minute… Isn’t the ability to put all differences aside, forgive, and forget the right things to do? Those are the values that society promotes. This is how you take the high road. Unfortunately, those are also great cop-outs that force you to discard the reality of things. And when you systematically dismiss what you should be aware of, you recurrently invite toxicity back into your life. And it may not be the best solution.

Do you have the ability to forgive and forget, without necessarily having to dishonor what you are in the process? In other words, do you have the power to be confronted to anything, including the ugliest people can deliver, without placing any significance whatsoever on it, and move on unaffected? Haven’t you been programmed to believe that accepting a compliment was so much easier than having to assume a criticism? What if none of that had any importance? What if you could say with much confidence, “Thank you so much!” after having been confronted to either scenario, without drawing any conclusion around it? The reflex most people have when they are given a compliment is to think that the instigator of the compliment likes them. So they feel obligated to reciprocate by also liking this person. You would not want to disappoint anyone, right? Is this a reflex, which in reality is a powerful way of eroding your level of awareness? There are many men and women in your entourage who love to compliment you, but who also do not mean a single word of what comes out of their mouths when they do so. They have an agenda that they try to push at all costs. To give them the benefit of the doubt, or mechanically judge them as “good people” solely due to their seeming kindness, can become highly precarious. To be asleep is good when you are exhausted. However this is the only kind of sleep that you ever want to experience, because those people want to destroy you. And you better be aware of their toxic intentions.

::: Do you want toxic people out of your life?

Let’s talk about those individuals whom you know so well hate your guts. You know it however do you want to see it? It is always more difficult to acknowledge such conduct when those individuals are loved ones. Since when do loved ones automatically embrace everything that you are, including your happiness and your successes? There are parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, lovers, friends, and/or relatives who, deep inside, cannot stand you. They resent you with all their strengths. They want to see you fail, simply because they are utterly unable to create a life for themselves. They have absolutely nothing to look forward to, because their existences are like abyssal voids. They are lame and pathetic, and you have to come down to their level. To that effect, they relentlessly use all the tricks in the book. They charm you, entice you, and seduce you, while scheming and conniving in the background and jumping on every opportunity that they have to alienate you emotionally. Their aim is to destroy you and to extinguish your flame for ever. Their soul is dead, and they want yours to die as well. Is it something to which you are ready to surrender?

Do you want to be free from the destructive energy that toxic people systematically propagate? It takes a lot of courage to identify who they are, because ultimately it shows how wrong you were at some point in your life for having started a relationship with them. It is never pleasant to admit being wrong, even though it always ends up being a positive and constructive attitude. It is good to backtrack and assess whether a choice that was made in the past still remains potent and productive today. If that is not the case, it is time to choose differently. It is obviously better and so much quicker to know right away, and you have the ability to know instantly. By being aware of what your interlocutor intrinsically is, you are able to clearly see all the red flags that he or she is waving before your very own eyes. Then it is up to you to acknowledge or negate what you observe. Remember that toxic people will systematically do whatever it takes, so they can contaminate you and poison you.

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Beware of those people who promote the idea that everyone should put their differences aside because this is a holiday season, because of family ties, or because you have some sort of history together. They usually are the ones who want to put you asleep, so they can use their entire energy towards finding new ways to strike even more brutally. And, at the end of the day, the choice to clean up your address book from time to time feels really great!

::: Is The Bachelorette the archetype of this society’s mediocrity?

Do you really know what it means to value yourself? Is it actually something that you can measure? Is it based on what you own and that can be assessed monetarily like your house, your stock options, or what you have in your bank accounts? How about using the sum of your skills, talents, and abilities to define how valuable you intrinsically are? Does the latter sound outrageous or is it way too difficult to identify? Ultimately, whether you value yourself is not complicated to determine. There are life experiences that speak for themselves. For example, have you ever shut up at the request of your partner, because he or she was not interested in hearing your opinion on a topic that was nonetheless very much relevant to the life of your relationship? Have you ever had a great idea, which you knew could definitely contribute to change the way this world is functioning today, and in the end chose to discount it, or give it away, or simply abandon it from the fear of failing? When you do not value yourself, you stand in line and hope to receive a rose.

The way this society functions is a negation of anyone’s desire for personal emancipation, whether it is intellectual, emotional, physical, or sexual. Its master plan is to drag you down to the level of the common denominator. But what is the common denominator? Just turn on your television and see for yourself. Observe how American men are being portrayed on this season of The Bachelorette. This insatiable need for instant validation and this crying lack of being seen, loved, and accepted turn them into obnoxiously superficial, artificial, mean, and vicious individuals. They embody what the common denominator is. What about the masses who relentlessly watch what is socially inaccessible to them? Wouldn’t it be so much more productive to empower them to seek out beyond their own limitations? Thus more people would be able to find value to their lives and their own selves, and ultimately be happier and more fulfilled. Interestingly enough, this is not an option. They must be kept contained inside their pathetic lives at all costs and be thrown a bone from time to time. The Bachelorette is the bone. Let’s make them dream of inapproachable horizons while engineering drama. Because if there is something to which they can easily relate, it is drama since their lives are unrewarding and fueled with all forms of tragedies. As much as this all may sound totally unattractive to you, are you sure that you are not content with mediocrity in a few areas of your life? Routine is mediocrity and routine often times feels pretty comfortable.

::: Isn’t mediocrity comfortable after all?

The promotion of mediocrity through the mass productions of uniformed ideas and thoughts has been the center-piece of all policies that have ruled all societies since the beginning of times. Why is it that crucial to systematically elevate mediocrity instead of celebrating uniqueness, elegance, and distinction? To insufflate mediocrity is the best way to control people, to put them asleep, and to drug and numb them to better manipulate them. And who cares of what is left of them once they have surrendered their entire selves, anyway? Do you relate to this energy? Have you ever suppressed what you are in any of your relationships? And how did it feel? Did you have the impression to still exist, or were you nowhere to be found in the equation of your life? To say yes when you so wanted to say no clearly indicates a choice to step into the mediocre world that characterizes most people’s lives, where resentment and rancor are omnipresent. To divorce yourself each time you are given the possibility to make a choice becomes comfortable, simply because it grows into a habit. And to most, habits and patterns are comfortable because they are predictable.

Are you ready to identify all those elements of predictability by which you solemnly swear and consequently live your life? Unless you think that routine is a perfect fit. Everything is a choice, including the one to live an existence that is deprived of all forms of mystery, curiosity, and excitement. Now one major advantage of living a dull existence is that you are certainly not the only one. So you will always find people to whom you can relate and with whom you can share your stories about how dreadful life is. You can never find yourself isolated. Is it really what you desire? Instead, would you be willing to take the risk of isolating yourself, simply because you need to choose a perspective that is unknown to most? Are you ready to generate exception, uniqueness, and greatness? It may not be comfortable at first, since your ambitions are likely to scare people away from you, including loved ones. But in the end, who cares? There is no one who should have the power to limit you, solely because he or she feels utterly miserable about himself or herself. Be ensured that it feels great to get rid of toxic people.

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Desperation is a choice. This world is full of desperate men and women who do not want to change a thing to their lives, and whose main goal is to trap you inside this black hole that defines their existence. Mediocrity is a by-product of desperation, and it is a very dark place. To embrace mediocrity signifies that you must abandon everything about you that shines, so you can fit inside the world of the common denominator. To embrace what you are signifies that you keep on shining brighter and brighter, regardless of what others think.

::: Is the choice to force anything highly destructive?

Does force, regardless of the degree with which it is used, always get you what you want?  Well, aren’t you supposed to know in advance what you want your life to look like and, consequently, don’t you have to do whatever it takes to make everything happen according to plan?  To achieve that, you need to allocate all your energy towards controlling all areas of our life, every single moment of the day.  Now do you have the power to know what is going to happen a second from now?  To answer yes is a blunt lie.  If what happens a second from now does not correspond to your initial plan, you have failed miserably.  So what do you choose next?  Do you keep what is not functioning, or do you have the courage and the honesty to choose differently?  Do you stop right away and move on, or do you need to force an outcome that is so unlikely to occur?

To force a relationship with another individual is no different.  The absolute necessity to be in a relation can be so overwhelming, that it has the power to occult what the reality is.  He or she does not necessarily want you.  In this society, rejection is not tolerable.  So most people do whatever it takes to be accepted, so they can sense that they belong.  A relationship is used as a proof of acceptance.  And to avoid the risk of being rejected, a common action is to make sure that the status quo is maintained at all times, which implies the necessity to divorce oneself in the relation.  To divorce yourself means that you continually disregard what you know is best for you, so you settle for less to accommodate an agenda.

Do you believe that everything and everyone perpetually stay the same, anyway?  A minute from now, I seriously doubt that you will be the exact same person you were sixty seconds earlier.  To make sure that everything and everyone constantly remain the same does not work.  It is impossible.  People and things change all the time.  Today, you are not who you were yesterday.  You cannot duplicate identically right now what you did twenty-four hours ago.  Therefore to think that you can rely on past experiences to create and generate something new right here right now cannot work.  The relationships that you had last week with your spouse, children, employees, manager or relatives are not the same as the ones you are having with them at this very minute.  Each person who is involved in all those equations has shifted during this short time span.  Ultimately, it is up to you to assess whether their shifts fit your needs.  If not, you are fully empowered to go your own way.

::: What do you intend to prove by being in a relationship? 

Many individuals need to be in a relationship, so they can prove themselves that they exist and that they are loved.  To dramatically increase the probability of being loved unconditionally and unfailingly, they have kids.  An unspoken emotional nomenclature exists.  If the relationship with the partner ceases to function properly, then it is assumed that the kids should naturally continue to love.  This is a tacit conclusion that defines most relations.  It means that the relationship that those parents decide to have with their children is solely based on assumptions, compilations and conclusions that are never shared with anyone who is involved in the equation.  This is a highly dangerous thought process, since it does not take into account the shifts that affect at all times those who pertain to the relation.  The requirement to maintain an emotional status-quo at all costs is simply unrealizable.

The choice to allow anyone to be whoever he or she desires to be can facilitate the creation of so many expansive interactions.  To accept that someone may not share your viewpoints about how a relationship should look like has the real potential to create dynamics that will satisfy everybody.  To deconstruct everything that you have been taught about what relationships mean allows you to see yourself and others with fresh eyes, and that is likely to feel very attractive and exciting.  To wish for everything and everyone to be flawless is absolute utopia.  To have children does not automatically infer that the relationship you have with one another is or has to be nurturing.  To build a nice and amicable relation with someone is completely useless and a total waste of your time and energy, if the other person does not want any of it.  Finally, if you have decided that your relationship with an individual should be working and it does not, you are left with no other choice but to judge yourself as the only means to justify such failure.  This is extremely destructive.

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At the end of the day, there are no established rules.  There are only the rules that you set, because they work for you and they are inclusive of those you love.  To force an outcome cannot result into anything that is sustainably positive.  To be forceful does not invite people to choose freely what is best for them.  It pushes away those who have a strong sense of self.  And it attracts those who have absolutely no self-esteem whatsoever.

When your instinct tells you that change can undoubtedly bring a certain value-added to your life, why should you start accumulating evidences against what you know?  Why would you choose to construct series of justifications as means to validate why you are not worth of it or why it is not feasible?  At the end of the day, you are the only one who is responsible for overriding your gut feeling.  If you do so, it would be wise to ask yourself who does not want you to shine.  Who would reject you instantly, if you dared to radiate a tiny bit too intensely?

::: Do you have the right to be yourself?

Most individuals have one motivation in life, which is to endure life, as it is.  Change is just a word, and nothing more.  From their viewpoint, all forms of inspirations that others display, especially intellectual, have to be crushed, simply because it does not fit inside the realms of what life is supposed to be: a succession of dreadful experiences.  Thus, your attempts to step out of the ordinary life of the group are viewed as direct attacks against the group itself and the way it functions.  “How dare you be so different?”  “Who do you think you are?”  How many times have those words been thrown at you to discourage you from being yourself?  Consequently, how many times did you end up choosing to give up on your own self, so you could conform to the expectations dictated by the masses?

Do most people really want to hear that you are thriving and prospering, or would they rather have you tell them in detail how difficult your life is at the moment?  Interestingly enough, the eventuality of being confronted to an inspiring success story does not encourage the common denominator to feel stimulated and motivated to overcome its limitations.  Elevation is bad, since it contributes to break the tranquility (and the mediocrity) of the status quo.  However, to collect as much information as possible around someone’s downfall is highly welcome.  It is a choice and a mentality to which the masses can relate with much joy and delectation.  It provides all the idiots in this world with this idea that distress is continually present around them.  It makes them feel better about themselves.  It makes them belong to something.  They have the feeling that they can never be alone.

Eventually, to give-up on yourself accommodates everyone but you.  Per this society, the decisions to relate and to fit-in are the two major conditions of a successful integration into any given environment.  Do you think that this system is worth divorcing what you are?  Should you continue to corrode everything that you represent, so you can be a full-time member of the herd?  It is a choice to refuse the idea of being castigated, chastised, and/or isolated for being your own self.  Unfortunately, to be excluded is the price that you need to pay, so you can finally live your life to the fullest.  If you are not willing to pay it, you give yourself no other choice but to wait for the time of your physical death, while systematically pretending that you made the right choice for your life.  But deep inside your soul continues to cry because it is dying.

::: Can you grow on your own terms?

How many times has “I cannot afford it” come out of your mouth?  Is this statement presently an intrinsic part of your life?  If that is the case, how does it make you feel?  Does it trigger the desire to seek expansion and prosperity?  Or does it make you believe that there is nothing that you can do at the moment, since you do not have what is required to afford “it”?  Perhaps to claim openly that you “cannot afford it” represents in reality a wonderful way to relate to those hundreds of millions of men and women out there, who choose to function from the exact same place?  If you want to make new friends, you have to do whatever it takes to copy their patterns and thought processes.  Ultimately, isn’t it so much more exciting to meet people who think alike?  It is so much fun to spend countless hours complaining all together about what you have decided you could not have, isn’t it?

Does the grass outside of your window ask for anyone’s permission to grow?  And once it has been mown, does it ask for anyone’s permission to grow again?  When someone steps on it, does it remain smooched, or does it always rise back up?  Would you like to embrace the same potency?  Why would you choose to surrender yourself to the first obstacle that finds itself on your way?  What if nothing or no one had the power to prevent you from thriving at all times?  What if you did not have to ask anyone for the permission to shine?  Remember, you are mostly surrounded by idiots. So what sense does it make to ask an idiot for his or her permission so you can shine?  How can you obtain such an approval from someone who does not want to know what it means?  “I cannot afford it” or “I cannot do it” does not resemble you.  This is the result of the influence that you allow your surroundings to have on you.

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Do not wait for anyone to empower you to change.  That deal is between you and your own self only.  And you really have to want it.  If it is only a pretense, the ramifications pertaining to your behavior will be absolutely dreadful.  You will find yourself regressing, without knowing how to stop such a destructive energy.  And the decision to blame anyone else but yourself for having embraced this choice will only precipitate your destruction.      

::: Should you be cautious of all those “professional” grievers?

Should you be extremely cautious of people who have this tendency to grieve everything and everyone they have lost?  What if there were series of hidden agendas behind the griever’s intention to show the world that he or she is still grieving?  First of all, isn’t it a necessity or a norm to grieve?  When you lose someone, you need to hurt and mourn.  Society would condemn and judge any other display of behavior.  Grief is an obligation.  And it also represents a wonderful way to manipulate and control others.  The next time you attend a funeral, carefully observe what is happening around you.  Look at the reactions of those who are directly affected by the loss, and listen.  It truly is a fascinating spectacle.  It is never about the deceased.  Instead, it is all about the one who is staying “behind.”  And you better be there for him or for her, regardless of how long it will take.  To consciously prolong the grieving process is a powerful tool that is utilized to manipulate those who genuinely care and want to help.

Per this society, it is easy to grieve.  It is actually much easier to grieve than it is to take charge and make life changes that are utterly required.  It may indeed look easier in the very short run.  However what are the ramifications in the longer run?  They are absolutely dreadful.  There is not a single person who has the capacity to be the solution to your own problems and to your own life.  You are the only solution to your life.  But for many, this is a reality that is way too complicated or even unfair to accept.  Therefore, they embrace distractions and artifacts that give them the sensation to exist.  In the process, they occult one crucial element, which is the need to be accountable for all their choices.  The fear of having to experience difficulties and discomfort is such that they would rather choose to regress and cultivate mediocrity.  Their distraction of predilection is grief.  They grieve what they refuse to have, while judging in the meantime those who dare to have a life.  Grief conceals the implacable truth about the choice that people make when they discard what is absolutely needed to generate expansion.

The instigators of the grief often times realize that it creates a sentiment of compassion and sympathy around them.  So why should they stop, since such behavior triggers a level of interest that they would certainly never receive otherwise?  Without their grief, no one would even notice them.  So why not using it every single time it becomes handy?  Karin and her dad endured her mother’s tantrums for years.  She would relentlessly scream at her husband and constantly remind him that he was good for nothing.  She would also criticize and diminish her daughter.  Karin’s mother is not nuts.  She is simply a toxic individual.  Two years ago, the dad died, leaving the mother in a dire financial situation.  At that time, Karin, a successful corporate professional, started to realize that she did not have to take her mother’s abuse any longer.  So she stopped talking to her, which pushed the mother to frequently leave nasty messages on her answering machine.  In need of money to pay her bills, the mother would call every month toward the end of the month, crying and complaining about how much she was missing her late husband and how lonely she felt.  Emotionally cornered, Karin would send a check, and then the abuse would resume.  Beware of those men and women who do not hesitate to use others’ emotions to serve some sort of twisted legitimacy that grant them the right to be mean, nasty and destructive.  Now, if they are able to do it, it also infers that others are willing to be used and abused.

::: Why can the sentiment of loss feel so excruciating?

When you are truly grateful for all the times you have spent with someone, can you really experience an overwhelmingly strong sentiment of loss, once this person is not here anymore?  When you are genuinely grateful for what someone did for you at some point in time in your life, why would you suddenly chastise this person if he or she were to leave?  When you are grateful for someone else, can you also be grateful for the fact that this person is choosing to move on, even if that does not include you?  Or should gratitude carry the condition of systematic physical and/or emotional presence?  There cannot be any condition imposed on gratitude, since it would negate what gratitude means: to be appreciative of benefits received.  Unfortunately, not that many people are appreciative.  They continually take, and once the dynamic is broken they are angry and they retaliate.  What they ultimately construct is an abyssal void in their lives, from which it is highly difficult to emerge.

There are so many men and women who constantly create successions of situations to avert the apparition of voids in their lives.  These individuals are totally unable to function on their own.  Therefore they require the presence of another person or group of persons, so they can convince themselves that they are somewhat functional.  But isn’t it nothing more than just a pretense of functionality?  Ultimately, what happens to folks who crave someone else’s presence, because it represents the only way they know of to feel alive inside this society?  Don’t they need to alienate what they are, so all powers can be transferred to those who are needed to supposedly function?  As soon as you decide that you need someone else or something to bring some kind of meaning to your life, you cease to exist yourself.  You create a strong sense of dependency that diverts you from what is urgently required and that has the potential to improve your life like never before.  All hopes lie in this other person who may not even be aware of this dysfunctional role that he or she was given.  As soon as this other person leaves, the weak link cannot face the mediocrity of his or her reality, the pretense cannot hold any longer, and his or her life starts crashing down often times with a point of no-return.

Where the sentiment or the apprehension of loss exists, there cannot be any room for personal expansion.  Wherever there is a tiny bit of regret in your life, personal emancipation is impossible.  All enterprises that aim toward the creation of a better life stop almost instantly.  Anyone who needs someone else to feel complete cannot experience any other alternatives than the one that consists in being totally absent from his or her life.  It is ineluctable.  Interestingly enough, this someone else’s presence does not automatically mean that it is honored.  Isn’t that strange?  How can someone who is so vividly sought out be dishonored in any way shape or form?  Event though this does not make any sense, it describes a reality that is overwhelmingly common.  This one crucial piece of the puzzle is suddenly taken for granted.  Almost over night the savior becomes the loser, who is repeatedly used and abused, ignored and dismissed.  As soon as this savior turned loser disappears, the instigator of the change uses grief to sweep away all the reminiscences of his or her insane choices and behaviors.

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The safest alternative is to remain aware at all times of who gravitates around you.  This world is full of users and abusers who have only one goal in life: they need to control and manipulate you, so they can destroy you.  Professional grievers fit inside this category of individuals.  They must interfere with your life, because their mission is to utilize their personal failures in an attempt to make you feel guilty for everything that you have accomplished.  Are you ready to live your life without giving them the benefit of the doubt and without second guessing everything by which you stand?  It is a learning process.

To lie can certainly be deceitful, especially when it is intended to manipulate someone else with the implicit intention to hurt and harm.  However, a lie can also be a wonderful means to buy oneself a very specific form of peace: inner peace.  And without inner peace, a strong and unalterable sense of self cannot exist.  And without a highly developed sense of self, personal expansion is not possible.

::: Is the belief that “honesty shall prevail” really pertinent after all?

How many times have you been punished for your honesty?  Does this question even make any sense?  Why would anyone choose to castigate another individual for having told the truth?  Weren’t you taught that there is no other alternative but to be honest at all times, because this is the way “good” people must behave, anyway?  If you want to live the “right” way, you have to be principled, trustworthy, and true not only to yourself but especially to others.  This is the one rule that has been deeply entrenched inside your brain and that you better follow blindly.  The problem is that blindfolding yourself, which equates to being unaware, gives you no other choice but to instantly become exposed.  And someone else will always find ways to use this exposure to his or her advantage, and against you.

If you dare to mislead others, you have been warned!  The consequences can be dreadful.  If you lie or deceive, bad karma will hit you unexpectedly and relentlessly.  Actually, this is what society and those who solemnly swear by its master plan want you to believe, so they can control, use abuse, and manipulate you at their convenience.  Let’s face it, in this world there are not that many people who genuinely look out for your best interest.  And those who do not are ready to utilize all the tricks imaginable, including the most deceitful and malicious ones, so they can obtain what they need from you, regardless of what may happen to you in the process.  Do you think that confronting such people will have an impact on the way they have decided to conduct themselves?  How often have you confronted someone, believing that he or she would ultimately recognize your intrinsic value?  Did you end-up realizing that you were in reality solely fighting against your own self?  Did you finally acknowledge that allocating efforts and energy towards defending yourself was a lost cause?

Has your honesty ever come back to haunt you?  Have you ever felt compelled to deliver your truth about someone or something, with the sole intent to help?  Have you ever alerted a parent, a friend, or a relative about the danger of becoming involved in a relationship with an individual that did not feel right to you?  You had a terrible gut-feeling about that person, and you made it your duty to notify all interested parties.  How did they react?  Did they immediately embrace your wisdom and acknowledge your acute sense of observation or perception?  Or did they instantly lash out at you for having taken the liberty to say something that they did not want to hear?  To decide to be honest no matter what is a wonderful way to set yourself up for failure.  What you know is oftentimes what someone else is irrevocably unwilling to see.  What you want to share is frequently way too brutal for someone else to hear.  To believe that honesty is a moral absolute must can be extremely dangerous, since your sense of authenticity can very likely clash with another person’s total absence of self-worth.

::: Can a lie help avoid a colossal drama?

There is information that should not be shared with everyone, even with those people you judge as being your most trustworthy, loyal, and devoted friends.  To tell people what they cannot hear is a heresy.  It is likely to trigger great turmoil in their lives.  If you know that voicing your truth can awaken or fuel even more insecurities inside your interlocutor’s world, why would you choose to go there in the first place?  “If you know” is actually the crucial point that needs to be discussed.  When you make the (irrevocable) decision to be aware, for what reason would you create chaos all around you?  Unless your intentions are to wreck and tarnish, it does not make any sense whatsoever.  When you are conscious, you always know what you can share and what you should not disclose.  It is not about concealing anything.  You simply have to know what the other person can hear.  This is an exercise that can certainly save you a lot of inextricable troubles if done diligently.

How often do you hear that relationships are healthy when couples do not keep any secrets from each other, and therefore share everything with each other?  Honesty, truthfulness, and forgiveness are core values of this society.  Anyone who chooses to live the “right” way on the “right” path, according to what the greater number judges as “right,” has no choice but to embrace them.  Now, does it really work?  Is it wise to tell anyone (spouse, lover, friends, or parents) everything?  Is it considerate to tell anyone something you know he or she will have a very hard time hearing?  The duty to deliver the truth at any time, whether it is imposed or self-imposed, is also a heresy.  It creates an obligation of transparence that so many people are not ready to accept, if what they see or hear does not correspond to what their comfort zone is ready to accommodate.  Once this zone starts shaking, their only choice is to be defensive and to retaliate.

Are you presently in a relationship where you have deliberately decided not to talk to your partner, because you systematically need to conceal the reality of things?  This is very much different from being aware of what the other can or cannot hear.  There are many men and women involved in relationships who refuse to face what is required from them in regard to their relation.  The reasons are diverse.  The fear of the partner’s reaction to anything is one.  The total inability to step-up to the plate and do whatever it takes to ensure the relationship’s sustainability or, potentially, its expansion is another one.  In all scenarios, they choose to bury their head in the sand and endure.  Ultimately, the finality is the same.  They place all the responsibilities on their partner’s shoulders without letting the partner know about it.  Most relationships are based on similar dynamics, and those can never expand.

There are folks who are intrinsically mean and nasty.  Such individuals never hesitate to tell you what their truth is about you, simply because they know that it pushes your buttons and makes you react.  They literally thrive on creating as much turmoil as they possibly can in your world.  Their objective is to produce great chaos and damages.  They want you to suffer.  They are able to achieve their malicious plots, by knowing exactly when and where to hit.  And they know so, thanks to you.  Your desire and then your choice to open-up, so you can appear more relatable and palatable to others, gives them all the ammunition that they need to attack you.  To open-up to someone is fine.  However, it is critical to remain fully aware of the information that you elect to share.  Is this other person ready to receive it now?  You certainly do not have to give it all away right away, especially if you are aware that it could be used against you at some point down the road.  You are not concealing anything.  You are just being smart, and there is never anything wrong with being smart.

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Let’s be honest; if there were no little lies here and there, our society would be in an even greater shamble than it is today.  Who is truly willing to hear the blunt truth all the times?  How many people do you know crumble as soon as they are exposed to the truth?  So do you lie to protect them, or to make your life a bit easier in the process?

Let’s be honest one last time; we are mostly surrounded by idiots who are totally unpredictable.  Therefore why not lying to them, so they do not get alarmed, lose it, and make our existence impossible?

Way too many individuals perpetually lie to themselves.  They pretend that they love sex, that sex is good, or that they know how to do it right.  In reality, sex evokes for them tremendous levels of distress.  So they need to compensate by creating a façade that certainly does not hide their inability to feel comfortable with their own selves and their own body.  They need to prove what they are not.  They need to conceal their flaws.  They are the ones you must avoid like the plague, because they will destroy you emotionally and physically.  Are you one of those pretenders who want to contaminate others with your destructive emotional baggage?  If so and if you love it, just do not change anything and stop reading.

:::: Why do you utterly refuse to be comfortable with yourself?

What is still preventing you from finally acknowledging that you are not comfortable in your own skin?  And why should you recognize it, anyway?  For what reason would you elect to beat yourself up, when it seems so much easier to sweep all your concerns under the carpet and pretend to be what you are not?  Is it that easier?  What repercussions does such attitude have on your life and your ability to create healthy connections with yourself, people and things?  Do you want to confront your flaws, or would you rather go on with your existence ignoring them?  It takes a lot of courage to see without any biases what is not working, simply because you created it all.  There is no one else to be blamed but yourself.  No one is responsible for what you are today and what you have become throughout the years.  You are the only one who is accountable for all those choices that you have made, including allowing others to break you and mold you, so you can never feel good in your own skin.

As soon as you catch yourself judging anything about the way you look or the way you behave, it is time to take a deep breath and chill for a minute, because it signifies that you are not at ease with your on self.  And when you are not at ease with your own self, there is nothing that you can do to improve the situation, except for eliminating the incriminated judgments.  However, how convenient is it to maintain a judgment in existence, even though you know so well that it contributes to undermine what you are?  “Just the thought of giving oral sex disgusts me!” or “My breasts are way too small!” are considerations that you may be able to share with your best friends, so why get rid off decisions that allow you to relate to others?  You must remember that if you cannot relate, you expose yourself to the risk of being alone.  And who is really ready to take the chance?  Therefore the choice to feel uncomfortable with yourself is carefully premeditated because it serves an agenda.  Sadly, the agenda supersedes everything else, including your sanity.  But who is willing to assume the existence of agendas that are utterly counter-productive?  Also remember that most individuals need to be right about the pertinence of their choices, so they would rather keep-on being right and destroy their lives than inviting a moment of clarity that could bring change and expansion.

The elements that make people uncomfortable with their own selves are often times the exact same ones that they see in their mates and that they resist with all their strengths.  Sarah and George were married for a few years.  Sarah could not stop affirming how much she hated it when her husband would be in the house, because his “dark energy” would systematically drain hers.  The problem is that she was totally unable to acknowledge that their personalities were the same.  They both were opportunistic, angry, resentful, insecure, in need to be right all the time, and totally dismissive of their children’s concerns.  The sex life was quasi-inexistent.  How else could it be?  Two people who intrinsically hate what they are cannot create a harmonious relation with themselves and others.  Did Sarah and George believe that they did not deserve to be comfortable?  Who knows what twisted agendas they had elaborated?  Ultimately, they must have persuaded themselves that their marital situation was as good as it gets because somehow the money was still coming in.  You resist others for what you hate about yourself.  The beauty about it all is that you can change that.  Do you want it though?

::: Is sex scary because you scare yourself?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see?  Or rather, who do you want to see?  Most individuals systematically refuse to see clearly anything about their reality.  Instead, they prefer to construct some sort of artificial world that dramatically disserves their self-esteem.  What may look like a meaningless touch on a breast that is judged bigger compared to the other has the potentiality to be ravaging for your sense of self.  How many other so-called “insignificant” decisions have you made and that are affecting your ability to feel secure with what you are and grow?  How many judgments have you formulated about your own self, which are currently scaring you away from yourself, and consequently pushing others away from you and leaving you scarred?  When you stand naked before this other person, does it all come up to the surface?  So what do you do?  Do you force yourself to have sex and it happens to be excruciatingly dreadful, or do you take a shot of vodka or smoke a joint, so you can numb all your senses and forget about the emotional and physical pains that you choose to inflict on your mind and body?

If you try to perpetually convince yourself that sex is some sort of activity that should be taken lightly, you are dead wrong.  It should definitely be pleasurable.  It should definitely be an intimate and emotionally rewarding connection between two individuals.  However the choice to have sex when you are not fully secure with your own self can have irreversible effects that will leave you scarred for life.  Every single element that composes your emotional baggage is a scar.  What proportion of this emotional baggage that you have been dragging behind you for way too long relates to issues inherent to your sexuality or to sex in general?  If you choose to answer this question honestly, you realize that your judgments about sex, your sexuality, and intimacy are currently playing major parts in what is currently limiting your perspectives in life.  So what should change?  Well, do you want to assess whether some of your values, which are constructed on top of those judgments, are worth being maintained in existence much longer?  Are you ready to take the risk of reinventing what you are and lose what you thought was your indelible and inalterable identity?

Why does intimacy freak you out?  Who told you that it was wrong?  Who told you that being intimate with yourself was abject?  It is assuredly counter-productive if you do not feel comfortable with yourself, because you will only attract individuals who, deep inside, also despise what they are.  And the simple equation “issues plus issues” has never equated to “individual and collective expansion.”  It simply generates more issues that add more load to your emotional baggage.  To become physically and emotionally attached to someone who displays the same personal insecurities as you can only be destructive.  The solution is to gain the ability to put all forms of emotions aside, so you are finally able to see clearly how you function in regard to yourself and others.  This is certainly not an easy task.  However it is worth the effort!  Without full-on clarity, life can only be a succession of struggles fueled by this insatiable need to belong and be loved at all costs.

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Nothing can scare you, as long as you choose to look truthfully at the way you approach everything in life.  Fear comes from the unknown.  And the unknown is the prerogative of those who are asleep and refuse to be bluntly honest with themselves and the choices that they make.  Unless you love it and it allows you to relate to others, to be fearful is lame.  To dismiss all fears is the only way that you have at your disposal to build a strong sense of self.  Once you have dismissed all fears, you can never be affected by anything or anyone anymore.  Once you have dismissed all fears, you are finally able to become crystal clear about your intentions as well as others’.

::: Why is blaming others almost second nature?

Most men and women make successions of poor choices in life, and they constantly have to bear the dreadfulness of the consequences. How many of these people elect to be fully or even partially accountable for the mishaps that they consistently create? If you take a blunt look around you, it becomes apparent that only a tiny minority of individuals are ready to assume the full-on extent of the bad decisions that they take. What type of stance do the rest adopt? They simply blame their failures on others. And it does not have to make any sense whatsoever. Even those who played absolutely no part in the process can suddenly be concerned! For example, you can instantly become responsible for your best friend’s divorce. All it takes is, “You were not there on the day I really needed you.” The choice to blame others never discriminates. It includes whoever and whatever can be utilized as scapegoat.

For so many people, the choice to blame others is almost second nature. It is instinctive. It is more than a reflex. It is a way of life, an intrinsic part of what they are. To blame others defines what they are. Their entire value system is based on it. What true advantage resides in embracing this type of value though? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to acknowledge that a choice was not the best one at a given moment in time? Wouldn’t it allow its instigator to do whatever is needed to attenuate the consequences of the decision, so life does not have to be affected too severely? Consequently, wouldn’t it be so much wiser to learn from every single mistake, so selecting better options next time becomes possible? Sadly, it does not seem to be working that way. Those who elect to make bad choices are so determined in their enterprise that it is almost impossible to invite them to open their eyes and potentially consider another alternative.

Where does this high propensity to blame it on others or circumstances come from? Most individuals duplicate what they have observed at home while growing-up. The reasons behind the most dysfunctional mentalities do not have to take their sources too far away from the family structure. Home sweet home, isn’t it? When a child has only been confronted to limitations, why would he or she suddenly embrace expansion as a way of being throughout his or her entire adult life? When people do not know better, they stick to whatever they were taught, and they blindly trust the pertinence of their experiences. This is how series of dysfunctional generations are created. Despite the cruelty of this reality, you do not have the right to feel defeated. You can stop the pattern at any time. You have the right to claim responsibility for all your acts.

Many individuals have such a fascinating tendency to refuse to acknowledge every single one of their creations. People are programmed to look at the positive only and to immediately brush away the negative. Anything that is labeled as negative must be considered as uncomfortable and embarrassing, so it must be dismissed at all costs. Therefore the idea of spending even a split second meditating and reflecting on something that does not generate instant gratification is totally unthinkable. So they bury their heads in the sand and consequently create great turmoil in their lives. And as soon as disaster strikes, guess what? It’s time to blame it all on others! Every time you hear, “How could he do this to me?” you know that the blame game is on.

::: At what moment does blaming others get totally lame?

Carl and Silvia were married and employed by the same company. Over the years, they had built up this iconic image of being the happy married couple who was living, working, investing and breathing together every single minute of the day. They were working over-time and weekends, never taking a vacation, so they could earn extra money to use for down-payments on houses in what was at the time a booming real-estate market. One day the market stopped booming, and the next day they received a note letting them know that their company was relocating to Mexico. The blame game instantly started. Salves of bitterness were relentlessly exchanged. “I should have never married you! Just looking at how much of a loser your father is, I should have known better about you!” “Without me, you’d still be living in the slums of Bogotá with your illiterate brothers and sisters! When I think that I could have landed so much better!” Blame or Lame?

To point fingers often times lead to situations that insanity cannot even depict accurately. What had become of all the, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life!” that Carl would tell Silvia, while taking her hand and whispering loving words to her ear? How could anything have suddenly turned her into this useless third-world piece of trash that would only inspire resentment and anger? How could something that did not have anything intrinsic to do with their union have such a quick and devastating impact on their marriage? Viewed from a different angle, how many lies about their own selves were Carl and Silvia living on a daily basis?

The choice to lay the blame on someone else is a reflection of someone’s refusal to truthfully look at his or her own self. And such refusal is the mark of an individual who lives inside a constant lie about what he or she truly is. How many folks do you know are totally unwilling to live up to their responsibilities and step-up to the plate each time they create turmoil in their lives? Isn’t it intriguing to observe that, inside this society, self-accountability is never praised? To be accountable is wrong. If you admit that you were indeed at fault, it is instantly viewed as a sign of weakness. It is judged as lame. This is completely insane! Isn’t it crazy to realize that the one who decides that he or she must be right at all costs ends-up being the one who is recognized by the group? He is indeed the one who (supposedly) has strong convictions and the courage to stand for his own self and what he believes in. This does not make any sense. It does not create room for empowering individuals to be fully accountable for their choices. Instead it promotes unconsciousness.

Why does society systematically tend to encourage lame behaviors? For what reason the masses never promote the necessity to be fully aware in regard to the ramifications that such or such decision may engender? The problem is that people have been trained to think and process things in a way that does not give them the ability to broaden their horizons. As long as the sentiments of comfort and security are present, it is okay to go back to sleep. That was Carl’s and Silvia’s lives. They had formulated decisions around what the perfect life was supposed to look like. Their certainties to have reached a desired result forced them to occult everything that had the potentiality to disrupt their system. Unable to face this reality called “their stupidity,” blaming the other was their sole alternative. And that was definitely lame.

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You have the ability to know whether a choice that you are about to make has the potential to bring expansion to your life. But what does it require? You have to become aware right now of all its consequences. And that implies that you set all emotions aside. If you think that it is hard and that it necessitates a tremendous volume of efforts, I would suggest that you think again. Ultimately what is easier? Is it to allocate all your energy toward finding scapegoats once your have failed or is it to use this energy in the moment to generate greater for your own life?

The notion of “victimhood” cannot be pertinent, simply because the choice to believe in blind trust is absolutely stupid. Does it mean that you should never trust your mate? Certainly not! However, the deliberate choice to blindfold yourself, so you can push an agenda, can only generate turmoil. So is she really a slut if your husband left you for her? Is he truly the biggest piece of trash that has ever existed if he picked her over you?

::: Can you really prevent an affair from happening?

When you need to allocate your efforts and energy towards preventing a situation from happening, it means that you judge this situation as bad. Well, what if all affairs did not have to be necessarily destructive? Even though the latter may sound absolutely outrageous, to ask yourself this question with an open mind may be worth the shot, because the answer could have the potentiality to create expansion in your life. Liaisons do not ineluctably have to be annihilatory, if they are not intended to destroy anyone’s soul and spirit. An extra-marital relation can ultimately generate happiness, if it is not used to retaliate against the official partner. Why do most men and women sleep around, anyway? Is it really for the fun of it? Or is it the only way that they have found to prove themselves that they can receive from someone else what they are not receiving at home anymore? But why aren’t they getting it any longer? Most men and women are utterly unwilling to find an answer to this question, since it would force them to look at themselves in the mirror. Instead they choose to punish their official partner for the horrendousness that now characterizes their relationship.

The need to prevent your spouse or your partner from having an affair means that the totality of your energy needs to be devoted to this enterprise. Every single second of your day is allocated toward maintaining a constant state of suspicion. Otherwise, how will you know? But what does it mean to be suspicious, anyway? Is it only based on tangible facts, or is a major part of it constructed on assumptions, which themselves are based on fantasies and other unrealities? Beneath the desire to retain control over the relationship, the reality is totally different. What is ultimately created is a complete absence of control, which generates greater levels of suspicion, anger, resentment, doubt and anti-consciousness. Moreover, the choice that your partner makes to have an extra-marital relation may assuredly indicate a definite uneasiness that depicts what the core foundation of the relationship truly is. And the choice to deny this reality by policing his or her behavior only contributes to worsen the dreadfulness of the interaction.

The need to control a rotten situation cannot work. However you have the power to prevent the situation from existing in the first place. But it takes a lot of courage to admit that what you desperately want to create may not happen when you want it to happen. At age thirty-eight, Karin told me that her plan was to marry someone and be pregnant by age forty. She was married on her thirty-ninth birthday, and two months later she was rushed to the emergency room for massive internal bleeding after her husband had beaten her with a baseball bat. Even though there is no affair involved, this story very much pertains to the topic. Her resentment of remaining single and, consequently, her desire to be married by a certain age disallowed her to see all the red flags that her now ex-husband had waved right before her eyes on their very first date. One of them was a brawl that he started after a man had inadvertently pushed him in a bar. How many red flags did you elect to ignore at the time, and that indicated from the very get go that your current relation would not be as blissful as you wished it would be?

::: Is the other woman really a slut after all?

Three years ago, Julie married Mark. Lucy, her best friend since childhood, was her maid of honor. Last month, Mark left Julie and their two young children to move in with Lucy. At first, Julie experienced anger as well as an intense sentiment of betrayal. Then, she started to play the same old record over and over again. “I swear to God, I didn’t see it coming! We were so happy together, I don’t understand! This slut stole him from me!” Did Lucy the slut really steal Mark the infamous and shameful husband and father of two? Or did Julie choose to sweep under the carpet something that had always been present in her marriage, if not before? In reality, did she refuse to see what one of her agendas disallowed her to notice?

If he is not happy with you, why should he stay? If he is not happy with you, why do you refuse to see it? Lastly, if he is not happy with you, for what reason would you want to stay in the relationship? Remember, it is never about the other person. It is always about you and the choices that you make for your own life. What if his cheating with someone who is dear to you were actually a blessing in disguise on so many levels? What more do you need, so you can finally open your eyes to what the reality of your relation is? Would you rather continue to live with blinders on? There is an overwhelming majority of men and women who continually embrace this option. It is not right or wrong, or good or bad. It is simply their choice. But when they come to you hurting, crying, and screaming because they supposedly never saw it coming, should you show any compassion? By doing so, it would only comfort them in their mode of functioning and encourage them to repeat the exact same pattern in the future. So are you ready to remain true to yourself and not fall for their drama? Only then can you empower them to change, even if they will hate you for that.

She is not a slut. She is your best friend at a crucial yet dreadful moment in your emotional life! She is the one who awakes interrogations that you had been suppressing for a very long time such as, “When did you know that ‘your Mark’ was not that much into you, anyway?” Moreover, when did you elect to ignore what you already knew, before you buried your head in the sand to keep the pretense that you had a perfect relationship, or “just” a relationship for that matter? Let’s have all the girlfriends be envious, especially those who are still single, those “losers,” as Julie would refer to them. This is why so many men and women decide to stay in a relationship, which they know has died a long time ago. It is for the façade. It is to show others that they too are successful on a personal level. But it is in reality an empty shell inhabited by individuals who have lost their soul. There is no magic, no creation, and no expansion. It is all about waiting “till deaths do you guys apart.” Be grateful that a Lucy finally came to shake this fleabag called “your relationship.”

Are you ready to acknowledge that you have the ability to know what is really going on in your life? To be aware at all times is a possibility. However, it might not necessarily be comfortable all the time. To avoid any discomfort, people choose to blindfold themselves. Thus, when there is something that is not functioning properly in their lives anymore, they can put the blame on someone else. Does this sound familiar? How many times have you observed friends, parents, colleagues or even yourself behave this way? You have two choices. You can either give up on you own self and your life, or you can be honest with yourself twenty four seven. What would you choose?

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What if the values, beliefs, and modalities with which you have been functioning all these years were not that gratifying after all? Would you be ready to eliminate part of them if not all of them all, so you can finally start fresh? Whether you want to admit it, you do not resemble anyone else. You are very much unique. So only you can decide what is best for your life. And you can never go wrong when, one step at a time, you choose to master the art of introspection.