Advent Greetings to you,

As I prepare to enter a season of focused reading, research and writing on my Unhurried project, I find myself deeply grateful. There are so many who have prayed, encouraged and given financially to make my ministry through The Leadership Institute possible. I thank each of you who have invested in these many ways.  (If you are open and able, donations of any amount, no matter how small, can be made to this ministry through Paypal to The Leadership Institute)

As I do each month, below are the most visited blogposts of the last month or so. It’s been encouraging to see an increase of visits since the last time I updated you. I had my first 300+ visit day a week ago. May one of these posts provide a word of encouragement or insight as you may need in the season:

In order of popularity, here they are:

• “Burn-out Stats: Health of the Pastor’s Family” and “Burn-out Stats: Physical Health of Pastors” – Posts on the theme of ministry or pastoral burn-out continue to be among the most visited on my website. Every single day now, someone lands on my website from a Google search including the word “burnout” in it.

• Advent: A Few Thoughts – On the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was interviewed in a Sacramento-area church about Advent and spiritual formation. Included in this post are some notes I made for that interview.

• “The Power of Small Beginnings” – Here I shared a powerful little quotation from Elton Trueblood on the practical power contained in a seed. I just read it again and love it!

• “A Good Word: Learning to Abide in Weakness” – I shared here a little quotation from a French monk from the last century on finding grace in the midst of weakness and temptation, rather than waiting until after it subsides to experience God’s generosity.

• “Discipline is the Price of Freedom” – This title comes from a quotation by Elton Trueblood. I shared my own experience (both success and struggle) with self-discipline.

• “Put Your Oxygen Mask On First” – Having recently flown to the Dominican Republic, I heard this standard line from the flight attendant a number of times. The point of this post is that soul care is not a unaffordable luxury but a strategic necessity.

Day to day caregiving is difficult enough. However when dealing with Alzheimer’s, the very nature of this disease and the way it affects the brain frequently have added frustrations and difficulties, which make Caregiver’s lives just that much more difficult.
I start a series today that I hope will help caregivers with ‘Difficult Behaviors’. Difficult behaviors are fairly common conditions that we (Alzheimer’s professionals) see frequently and cause added difficulty for caregivers. For example: Angry, agitated behavior, Incontinence problems, and problems with dressing, bathing, eating and sleeping. There are also problems with Paranoia, wandering, repetitive actions, and ever frequent “wanting to go home”, and in the very late stages screaming and verbal noise.
With each of these problems, no matter how random they seem there is a cause. Therefore, the solution will be found in thinking about possible causes and addressing it. They might be physical, mental, medical, environmental, or circumstantial. When you notice a reoccurring problem in a loved one first start by trying to figure out the cause, for example:
Lets start with Anger and Agitation.
Physical, Mental, Environmental and Medical Causes:
Fatigue at time of request, activity or event.
Disruption of sleep pattern (day and night reversal) causing sleep deprivation.
Physical discomfort, such as pain, fever, illness, constipation, fecal impaction, bladder infection, expressed as anger.
Loss of control over behaviors due to physical changes in the brain.
Adverse side effects of medication such as psychotropics, sedatives or tranquilizers.
Impaired vision or hearing causing person to misinterpret sights and sounds.
Hallucinations.
Sensory overload – too much noise, activity, or clutter, or too many people in immediate environment.
Unfamiliar people, place or sounds.
Sudden movements, startling noises.
Feeling lost, insecure, forgotten. When familiar person is out of sight, impaired person may feel abandoned.
Difficulty adjusting to darkness from well lighted area and vice versa.
Being asked to respond to several questions or statements at once.
Responding to arguments between other people.
Response to caregiver’s impatience, stress, irritability,
Person scolded, confronted, contradicted.
Surprised by unexpected physical contact.
Inability to perform what was once a simple task, e.g., buttoning clothes.
Instructions unclear or too complicated.
Change in schedule or routine.
Attention span too short for task.
Task not broken down into manageable steps.
Activity perceived as too childlike, insulting.
How to Cope
Begin with a medical evaluation to rule out physical and/or medication problems, always ask about bladder infection as a possible cause. You would be surprised at how often it’s the case.
Discuss possible adverse side effects of current medications with their doctor.
Have vision and hearing checked.
Alternate quiet times with more active periods.
Plan outings, activities when person is rested.
Make sure person is comfortable – clothes are not too tight, perons is not too hot or too cold.
Simplify environment by reducing noise, number of people, and clutter.
Keep daily routine as consistent as possible. Avoid changes and surprises. For some people with dementia, the slightest change may lead ot confusion and disorientation. Try scheduling meal, bathing, and walks, at the same time every day.
Keep furniture and objects in the same place at all times.
Make sure the person is protected from hurting him/herself. Remove sharp utensils, tools, and objects from environment.
Remove the person from stressful situation, persons, or place. Gently guided the person from environment while speaking in a calm and reassuring voice.
Distract the person with a favorite food or activity. This may reduce agitated feelings. Distraction and avoidance are often the most useful approaches to handling agitated or angry behaviors.
Rules of Thumb
Try these communication techniques:
Avoid asking questions that rely on memory
Try not to reason with the person as they no longer have the ability to think logically.
Reasoning or rationalizing with the person frequently leads to frustration and anger.
Try not to express your anger or impatience verbally or with physical movements, like wagging your finger at the person.
Speak slowly and clearly, and use short sentences.
Allow adequate time for persons to respond and/or process information.
Limit choices. For example, never say “what do you want to eat” rather say “do want the chicken or the fish”.
That’s a pretty long list, for now. However, if you have ideas that you find work well, please add your comments here so we can share it with some other caregivers. I have found over the years that there is nothing better than someone giving advice based on their actual experience.

Please sign up for my newsletter – go to www.easycaregiving.com you will get on the mailing list AND get a free stress management recording.

This is the time of year that I naturally step back, take inventory of my life and where I’ve grown, where I need to grow, and where I’m planting that isn’t fruitful.  Sorry about the growing analogy… once I started, I was kind of stuck.  I’ve been considering things like my relationships with family, friends, and online, my responsibilities of  , home education, writing, and as a message board owner, and the things I love and enjoy like my hobbies.

This is also the time of year when home schooling mothers start questioning themselves.  Are we doing too much, too little– why isn’t everything as perfect as I imagined back in August when the boxes of curricula arrived?  We’re usually our most diligent in September through November and then again in spring after Easter.  This isn’t any kind of scientific research.  It’s just what I hear from mothers when they start talking about their school year at this time of year.

It becomes tempting to second-guess more than a schedule or  curriculum choices.  Soon, an entire philosophy of education comes under fire as doubts multiply faster than dust bunnies under my couch.  Early or late, classical or Charlotte Mason, Lifestyle of Learning or straight textbook– the debate rages internally and then spills into conversations both with local friends and confidantes and on internet message boards and blogs.

Some responses are quite predictable.   Any time a mother is struggling, one of the first suggestions she receives is to take a couple of weeks of to regroup.  She’s pushing herself or her kids too much.  The family is sick– take time off.  I’m not going to rehash how much this bothers me.  I blogged about it a couple of years ago, but if taking a week off for a ‘teacher in-service’ week to regroup so you don’t grow ‘weary in well doing’ then by all means, take those few days.

I truly think the root of our problem comes from trying to make sure we show everyone how great we’re doing– that we’re as good, or better yet better, than our educational counterparts in the government or private schools.  I think we get too caught up in proving ourselves as teachers instead of proving ourselves teachers to our students.  Our responsibility isn’t to the home schooling movement, to the naysayers, or even to ourselves.  Our responsibility is to our students– our children.  They are the one who will bear the brunt of an overzealous mom trying to shovel information into their minds like food into a pate goose.  They are the ones who will suffer when we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by our responsibilities and shut-down.

There are several maxims that apply well to home education.  I’d like to remind us all of them again.

• Slow and steady wins the race.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
• You eat an elephant one bite at a time.
• You reap what you sow.  (This kind of implies you have to sow in order to reap… don’tcha think?)
• If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

It helps to recharge when life gets this.    First, I recommend When You Rise Up by R.C. Sproul Jr.  This book is one of the most encouraging books on home education that I have ever had the pleasure of reading.  It reminds me that there is so much more to educating our children than pounding their brains with information.

The How and Why of Home Schooling is a really basic book on why someone would make the choice to home school in the first place.  Whenever I felt tired and wanted to just quit, I’d pull out this book and think, “Oh yeah, this is the point.  This is why I’m putting all this work into this.”

Now the third book I recommend is kind of a surprise to me.   I wasn’t sure.   Upgrade by Kevin Swanson is a great book subtitled Ten Secrets to the Best Education for Your Child.  I didn’t expect to enjoy this book.  To be honest, I expected it to be a treatise on how to make education rule your family’s life.  It isn’t.  It’s not that I agreed with every word in the book, and really, there is an undertone of “We have something to prove”, but aside from that, the book was encouraging.  It reminded me that this is a job, I can do it, and I can do it well.

Take a breath today.  Look into your children’s faces and smile at them.  Think about where they’re doing well.  Every child is doing well in some area of their life.  Find something they can succeed in, and give it to them.  Help them feel that wonderful sensation that comes with success!  Find their weak spots, help them overcome them.  Set yourself up for success.

However, for your sake and the sake of your children, make yourself step up and serve them exactly what they need, not what someone else expects, not what trying to prove anything to anyone.  I really like what I said up there, so I’m going to say it again.  I think we get too caught up in proving ourselves as teachers instead of proving ourselves teachers to our students.

I’m just so tired today and worn out. As you can see, it’s pretty late. This is the 1st chance I’ve gotten to blog all day, and I’m STILL not done with homework. UGH. It makes me crazy. Especially when teachers complain about grading stuff. Like seriously, you assigned it, don’t complain! Anyway, that’s enough of my “I’m sick and tired of school” tirade for today.

Anyway, So. . . S. WOW. That’s what that kid makes me wanna say. Like okay. So this kid is not bad-looking, okay? So I look at him sometimes in our Humanities class. Now, today I wasn’t looking at him at all, I was looking at my other friend J and also trying to get Mr. E’s attention because I needed help. But J sits kind of in front of S, so I can see how S would think that I was looking at him and not J. But anyway, T who sits next to S is working on her paper and I hear (from across the room, and I’m not supposed to I’m sure) “OH MY GOD WOULD YOU NOT STARE AT ME!” And T like snaps her head up from her paper, and says “Uhm, WHAT did you just say to me?!” and he says “Not you, Susannnah!” And I wasn’t really in a great mood to begin with, so I almost got up right there and screamed at him, but didn’t because I don’t want him to know that I’m mad at him. But still. I’m irritated.

Now what makes me even more mad about the situation is that I, of course, acted like I didn’t hear that. And so we’re at lunch and I’m talking to K and Ellen, and Ellen says “Susannah Pants!” I like your shoes! and S goes “Oh Yeah me too I’m really jealous of them!” Like seriously? You’re gonna compliment me? Really?

So, I don’t know. I’m really sick of this thinking things are okay, but really they aren’t thing. Or vice versa, and I’m sick of him lying and I think maybe I’m  just a little burned out. But, I am trying to remain perky, funny, fun, Susannah through it all. I just. . . Need a break from him I think. But all of my other friends are in the  Green Room too, so if I want to see them, I’ve gotta deal with him.

Anyway, sometimes I think about doing blog posts that aren’t about what happen in my daily life, but then I think that my life is too interesting and has too much drama in it to not document! So, the day that my life is boring and has no drama, I’ll do a post that isn’t about it.

<3
Susannah(:

I didn’t post here during the month of November.  That was on purpose.

For the 2 years before this one I watched as blogs around the world participated in NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month. I guess the idea is to post at least one entry every day in November. It gets you in the habit of daily blog posting, drives traffic to your site through cross-linking, and gets you entered to win prizes.

For the last 2 years I had a guilty knee-jerk reaction. “Yeah,” I said, “why don’t I post every day? I must be a really sucky blogger.” Then I felt like I wasn’t doing my job as a blogger very well. Last year I even considered giving NaBloPoMo a try for a year.

But by the beginning of November 2009 enough time had passed that instead of feeling guilty I was just determined. I won’t let some event, some group of folks, make me feel like I am doing something wrong. If I’m not in the mood to blog during November, I won’t. I need a rest from this garden (and I haven’t even finished cleaning it up yet!)  In fact, I pledge to purposefully NOT post anything this November.

And I didn’t.

If you participated in NaBloPoMo this November, last November, in ‘07, or all of the above…I truly hope that it made you feel better about the whole thing. I hope that making sure you had a post ready for every day didn’t stress you out or wear you thin during a busy month. I pray that it improved things for you. Because that seems to be the intent of the program.

For me, I did have a restful November. Now I’m ready to get back at it! I’ll be starting indoor winter lettuce and herbs within the next week or two.

Ever played ‘Trivial Pursuit’? Well, that little hub that holds all the multi-coloured pie pieces is how I view artistry. The context behind this conclusion occurred some years ago when I was feeling a bit burned out creatively.

I was working as an actor, and auditioning, a lot. This, as we all know is a rare and precious occurrence for most actors. And I felt strongly that I wanted to embody my gratitude for my good fortune by continuing energetically in my personal commitment to always ‘bring something to the table’ every day, for every meeting, and in every scene.

But I felt as if I was in a creative chokehold- an inability to keep my artistic voice freely flowing, coupled with an aggressive refusal to refuel through an acting class. The last thing I wanted to do was to be an acting student again. I didn’t and don’t now feel that I’ve learned all there is to learn, but I just wanted to stop, well, talking. Still, the urgency to shine brightly through my work, and words, was not going to diminish.

It occurred to me that if artistry was as this one hub and each art form a separate coloured slice of the pie, then if I were to give myself over the creative process of another discipline, surely, my development in that other would affect the whole. Well, that was the theory in any case. But would it work?

I longed to paint. When I was a teenager I had a sketch book that I was in constant communication with, and filled its pages unselfconsciously with my rendition of wherever I saw beauty. Tiny, perfect pumpkins, clapboard houses, my boyfriend’s feet. When I decided to move to London and become an actor I stopped drawing almost entirely, as if I could not afford to share out any creative focus between two practices. But I did pack my sketchbooks with me and have accumulated many more over the years, their empty pages like a banquet waiting for me to feast. The hunger finally became too much and I found a painting course every other weekend at the City Lit.

When the teacher asked us to state in turn why we were on the course and what we hoped to achieve, I felt immense hope and pleasure in saying, “I’m Tanya and I want to be a better actor.”

That course gave me the opportunity to give myself over to a creative process of which the outcome was entirely inconsequential for me. I watched other students in the group grapple and struggle with higher stakes than mine, art teachers and professionals, needing to advance. For me, if the experiment didn’t work, it didn’t work. At least I had sensuous time of creating, in silence.

It shone a light on how high stake I had always placed in what I was creating in acting. How much I made everything matter. The painting course allowed me to walk a new path of trust and release when I approached my work anew. I learned that trust and release did not mean sloppiness and neglect. I went back to work with more power, but a soft power, a knowing, an acceptance.

My mentor writes, “Art, quite aside from any questions of skill or its lack, is the emotion, the pleasure of expressing one’s life exactly as it is. Art possesses a universal quality. It possesses a life force similar to that of nature itself.” –Daisaku Ikeda

It is inevitable that I am extremely excited about REAL and especially about the upcoming lock-in camp. I’m praying that God will send me the right 10 participants who are serious and not just curious. On a side note, I realised that I’m really quite a camp person; I spent the day putting together the lock-in schedule and I am proud of what I have put together because it looks different from the other years, refreshing and purposeful. I’d like to think that this lock-in camp packs a punch.

I’ve been accumulating sleep debt over the last week (mainly due to FM, I have to be honest here, but my repentance began last night) and as I dragged myself out of bed yesterday morning, I thought about my friends who have “burnt out” in ministry and what these former youth leaders are now. I’d like to think that there’s a huge difference between burning out and losing your fire completely. Think about that for a moment.

More often than not, (physical and emotional) fatigue is usually the cause of sizzling out and I think to address that, it’s an issue of constantly having input – be it through your devotions, mentoring sessions, bible studies or other methods. But losing your fire completely is a sad state of being – it’s like having your passion, zeal and zest for serving God completely removed. I cannot imagine the kind of person I’d be without passion! I’ve become so synonymous with passion over the years that without it I’d be devoid of my driving force, or in a more humourous way, my mojo.

I don’t quite know where I am going with this entry but I find myself juxtaposing how we used to serve and how we are serving now. Did something happen along the way? Did growing up or the allure of the world take something away from us? Some of us seem to have lost that spark in the eye, that fire in the belly, and end up serving the ministry with a lackadaisical attitude.

I have strong opinions about this matter and I do apologise if my tone sounds offensive, but it won’t stop me from saying that it is truly sickening when I see people shortchanging the ministry with a less than excellent spirit (because I know that they can do and have done better!), and yet put in 101% for academic or work pursuits. The question I’m asking isn’t “What’s your passion?” but “WHERE’S your passion?”

This entry is turning out to be a little tough to stomach but at least it’s out of my system. I especially caution those in leadership positions. Once these symptoms start to infiltrate the way you serve, you have to address it immediately by being accountable to someone. If you don’t already know, bad leaders produce bad members who’ll eventually result in becoming worse leaders. This downward spiral of standards and vicious cycle of mediocrity is poisonous not just for our generation but for the generations after us.

May we should rethink the way we ought to serve God.

System function 9, blue screen of death, 86, paper weight, art box diorama and a million other references to burning out.

I am running out of ideas. I feel it creep upon me. I had such witty responses for other past entries, but now I feel like I am repeating myself and carrying on in an unurbanesque manner.

Reflecting is not always the best way to learn. I am a audible learner. Everything I hear, for the most part, I remember. My writing is horrible and I can never read any of the hastily scribbled notes. What’s helps me to learn is to talk about it after the fact. I make the connections with the life around me and those who are willing to listen to me ramble.

But for the most part, these blogs have been the most enjoyable part of the semester. I have had a place to kind of rant and rave in my own voice and things that I am kind of interested in and reflect…sigh…on my past media studies path. I feel old.

Blogs have a power. A power of format. Blogs have a voice….but who is listening. Blogs make writing easier to accomplish, shift click+function+alt and all my formatting issues are a thing of the past. I love it though. I can’t stop writing…sometimes. But how to get the kids to want to do the same thing is the question. If I am at the point where I am getting bored with writing then something has to change.  How am I going to modify this strategy to enhance my classroom?

Maybe using different tasks for each blog entry. Give the students a document that tells them that 3 entries must be reflection, 1 must be creative writing and the then the last a new paper type like article. Having a couple of suggestions can help students come up with their own ideas in the long run. Give the man a fish and teach him to leave you alone. Move on to the more important parts of the process. Students are going to figure out what you of them and then take it to the next level. Be sharp and ready for the next unexpected question.

I guess what I am saying is that I could use a little push in a different direction. Maybe if there were more response to my post or more of dialogue going on, I would be more into the process. Cuz right now it feels like my audience is only you and I…. few others, tops.  Maybe less blog entries and more responses and discussion posts? Maybe what I should do is try looking to see who else is out there and comment on their posts. Expand my audiance per say. Once time is not a factor I will try that. These are all issues I will be working out as I implement a blog in my classroom. I am going to use it for sure, but I want to tweek what I want the students to do. I also want to write in the good old composition books. Sometimes immediate response is what I want to check….instant creativity is going to get cha.

Web 2.0 also scares me. Is this the next Big Brother? What if I join a social network that connects me to my address book, phone, TV, email, facebook, ning, wordle, digg, oatmeal and other non adult sites and can contact me at any time for updates and subscriptions reminders? DO I want that? DO I want to be connected to the world around me that much? DO I want live in the real world or cyber world? Paper or plastic? Do I want to write like Emily Dickenson? Would L allow this iphone app to use my corrent location?

Now I am listening to really spacey music. I don’t know what the future holds for writing. Pretty soon we will be able to writing on invisible screen that appears at arms length away and write novels that are projected on the walls. Dictation is going to be the wave of future once the computer can transcribe our words and edit on the go. Do we lose something in this transaction? Do we lose part of the creative spirit by giving into the convince of the modern world?  What would Therou say about that? He would probably jump in and drown himself in that pond of his and be done with it.

This has been a stream of concious blog entry. Granted, I did have to go back and edit some of the bad bits out, but for the most part I got what I wanted out of it. Faulkner, eat your heart out. As I lay Dying my ass. As I Try Blogging is more like it!

I’m out…..(dropping the microphone on the ground in a gansta like manner).

It’s an hour before work ends, which always makes me very happy. I love leaving work just as intensely as I hate coming in. We do work later than most other corporates it seems – 6 p.m. by which time most offices have been closed for a half hour or more. Added to the soup is that the office is 40 minutes away from home. It’s way out there in the Colombo suburbs, which means by the time I get home, it’s nearly 7 and dark. Which makes such activities as going to the gym and making dinner that much less appealing. 

Yet this is not why I hate work. The hours are horrid, yes, but hundreds of others work them and travel longer distances than I do. I think, now, I have simply burnt out with this organization. It’s been less than two years, but that is still too long. I remember that even before my first year was completed, I wanted out. I had a potential job lined up at an advertising agency, but never made it there. Circumstances, people, doubts conspired and here I still am. Struggling more than ever to get out. 

The work was good – I certainly padded my resume and skill set. Although much of the work had nothing to do with the company at all, and more with a certain company director, I still learnt a great deal. Certainly about writing and editing and publishing. And a wee bit of corporate communications. At first, it was all well and good getting creative with boxing slogans for ads and the like. But as it wore on, and I had to keep finding new synonyms for passion and glory and excellence, my fire dimmed. Before, I was outraged that the company director used us as resources to get his personal work done – promote his lifestyle store, write coffee table books for his sports associations. 

But as time wore on, and I wrote another book for cricket, and another for boxing, extolling yet again the passion and the glory of the fight, my fire hissed and sputtered. I grew weary. Let the Company Director carry on. Everyone, it seemed, knew about his penchant for using company resources, and it was not a big deal. Slowly, others came with their projects – a charity here, another sports association there. The company director’s daughter was putting on a play: I had to write her director’s message. The Deputy Director’s son was turning two: could the graphic designers create his birthday invitation (at least three options) and was the wording on the invitation o.k.? Could you pen some text for the birthday video chronicling his eventful two years as a dribbling baby? Look at my son’s wedding invitation- the wording is fine, no? Can you write this announcement for Mr. X’s promotion? Can you write this e-mail to Mr. T? What’s another word for… and on it goes. 

Today, I am a  ‘Deputy Manager’ of Corporate Communications. Laughable, really. Hence, the quote marks. I was simply bumped up to ensure I stayed. For a long while I had made noise about leaving. When the advertising job arose, the Company Director refused to let me leave. As added incentive, he bumped up my pay and also threatened to call my father and discuss with him the foolish move I was considering. No surprises that my dad would have (and did) side with him in the end. Advertising was a fickle industry and floundering. Best stay on. So I did, and no longer was there a fire but an ember. Enough to keep me going, bring me in to work everyday, do what was required of me for the 9 hours or so and go home. 

I realise I am lucky to have the job I do. In these trying times, many would think me foolish, selfish and spoilt to moan about work and think about leaving. But is it really worth it when you are reduced to a shadow of yourself? When you have retreated so far that your any interaction is tiresome and avoided? When you speak less than ten words a day? I never not quite fitted in with the corporate culture here. Yet, I managed. I was strange, I was weird, but I managed. I sometimes had lunch with a few girls, talked, even joked. Now, I never eat at work and only speak when spoken to. There is simply nothing for me to say or do. I feel like I have lost any passion for anything I ever had. It’s just going through the motions, everyday, five days a week, from 8 to 6. 

Bleak, I know. But then how many of us do get the chance to work at a job you love? And then, is it really a job? I will voice a comment an old friend said to me recently:

 -          Really, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work. If it was up to me, I would sit around and do nothing.

 My sentiments exactly.

More statistical evidence of pastoral burnout from Anne Jackson’s Mad Church Disease.

• 21 percent of pastors pray less than 15 minutes a day.
• Those most satisfied with their prayer life spend almost an hour in prayer per day; those who are least satisfied with their prayer life average 21 minutes per day.

(Jackson includes other stats on the pastor’s satisfaction level with their prayer life in her book).

Buy a copy of Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic on Amazon.com

Rest and recovery are equally as important as the workouts.  It enables the level of intensity to continually be pushed and keeps mental and physical burn out at bay.  We did not even have an ounce of understanding this during those Taekwondo days!

Spent some quality time catching up with the God kids (aka Clone Trooper and Bumble Beeatriace) and their parents.

Erst Treptower Park und auch das Mahnmal. Sonnenuntergang. Bratwurst, Kaffee, Tee, Wein, Cola, Kino: “Inglorious Basterds”.

« si je m’écoutais, je m’entendrais »

Le changement personnel est la seule aventure inépuisable qu’il nous soit donné de vivre, une aventure inscrite dans les tâtonnements et les enthousiasmes du quotidien.
Changer est un appel en nous, un mouvement interne irrésistible, parfois douloureux, auquel nous nous abandonnons dans la lumière des découvertes ou auquel, au contraire, nous résistons en restant crispés sur nos peurs et sur nos croyances ;

Si je vois la vie comme une possibilité d’enseignements et de découverte de moi-même, elle devient fascinante à travers même les souffrances qui la jalonnent et les subtiles métamorphoses de la maturation.

Se retrouver dans son intégrité est une finalité du changement.

Garder un œil ouvert à l’intérieur de soi permet au regard d’aller toujours plus loin.

La liberté c’est avoir la possibilité de choisir, donc de renoncer !

Tout corps vivant secrète des déchets…

S’apaiser « vivre sereinement avec soi et les autres », c’est
 Bien se connaître
 Identifier ses forces et faiblesses
 Se simplifier la vie
 Avancer pas à pas
 Faire régulièrement le tri
 Se concentrer sur ses valeurs
 Se poser au présent
 Verbaliser ce qui ne va pas
 Continuer à apprendre

An sich gibt es keinen Grund für mich noch wach zu bleiben, vor allem da ich hundemüde bin. Aber wenn ich liege, denke ich eh wieder eine knappe Stunde nach, bevor ich schlafen kann, also versuche ich einfach mal, hier alles abzulassen. Vielleicht klappt es ja.

Außerdem habe ich einen 30 – jährigen Mann mit Dr. House angesteckt. Das neue (gemeinsame) Hobby lebt er gerade in meinem Bett an seinem Laptop aus, also lasse ich ihn noch ein wenig. Immerhin muss mein Hase noch gut 12 Folgen aufholen, bis wir auf einer Höhe sind.

Naja, seit zwei Wochen brauche ich wieder länger zum Einschlafen. Das habe ich eigentlich nur dann, wenn ich Hoffnungen habe, da diese meine Fantasien anregen, vor allem was die Zukunft angeht. So bald ich liege, fange ich an zu planen, dann male ich mir das Geplante aus und schweife irgendwann in andere Gedanken ab. Fragen, die ich mir schon oft gestellt habe, Menschen, die ich lange vergessen habe, die Dinge die sich verändert haben. Alles Mögliche.

Die Tage grüble ich viel über die Definition “schlechter Mensch” nach. Ich glaube, an sich gibt es gar nicht so viele schlechte Menschen. Für mich ist ein schlechter Mensch einer, der Böses aus Vorsatz tut und das bewusst. Und es genießt.

Leider sind viele Menschen oft einfach nur blöd. Und sind in ihrer Dummheit vollkommen überzeugt das Richtige zu tun. Ist der Mensch dann auch wirklich schlecht? Ich könnte das noch 100 Mal abwandeln und trotzallem, käme ich wohl auf keine Wahrheit. Ob ein Mensch schlecht ist, liegt in unserem moralischen Ermessen. Das wirds wohl so schwer machen, es zu definieren.

An sich müssten wir für Naturvernatiker alle schlechte Menschen sein, sobald wir Autos fahren, Haarspray benutzen und mal Papier auf den Boden werfen. Für stark Gläubige sind Atheisten, oder anders Religiöse, allerdings keine schlechten, sondern verlorene Menschen.

Das ist gerade noch nicht einmal wirklich interessant für mich. * grübel*

Aber der Gedankenfluss zieht sich hin und lässt sich Arme wachsen, die ganz woanders hinführen.

Gerade fiel mir der Autor wieder ein, dessen Erzählungen wir gestern im Deutschunterricht durchgenommen haben. Die Erzählung an sich, interessiert mich reichlich wenig, vor allem, da er einen sehr nervigen Schreibstil hatte. Die Gewohnheit, alles unnötig in die Länge zu ziehen… Fürchterlich. (Ich hab seine knapp 1000 Wörter lange Erzählung auf 148 Wörter runtergekürzt… -.-)

Der Mensch an sich ist da viel interessanter. Leider seit knapp 200 Jahren tot. Er hat sich umgebracht, zusammen mit einer Frau, die an Krebs litt, natürlich das Todesurteil zu diesen Zeiten.

Erst erschoss er sie. Dann sich selbst. So endete das Leben von Heinrich von Kleist.

Aber interessanter ist das Warum. Er beschrieb sein Leiden mit den Worten, das er sich in der Welt nicht zuhause fühle und in seinem Abschiedsbrief schrieb er, das nichts auf Erden ihm helfen könne. Ich denke, er hatte recht.

Der Mann hat nach etwas gesucht. Zuerst diente er wohl der Armee und hatte einen Hohen Rang, so wie alle in seiner Familie, aber er war unglücklich. Also studierte er, weil er mit dem Ausbilden seines Verstandes sein Glück finden wollte, aber egal was er tat, es war nicht das was er suchte.

Man sollte erwähnen, das er eine blühende Fantasie gehabt haben soll. Es wurde mir so beschrieben, das er Geschichten zu schreiben begann und sie ihm plötzlich aus den Fingern liefen. Er rannte ihnen nach und schrieb alles auf, angeblich ohne über den Fortgang der Geschichte entschieden zu haben. Ich hoffe, man versteht, was ich damit meine.

Am Ende stand er manchmal schockiert vor dem fertigen Werk und konnte nicht glauben, was in dieser Geschichte passiert war. Weil er sich das nicht ausgedacht hat.

Natürlich ist es fraglich, ob es wirklich so gewesen ist. Aber es würde mich nicht wundern, um ehrlich zu sein…

Fantasie kann soetwas Mächtiges, Gewaltiges sein, das es beängstigen kann. Aber es ist auch faszinierend, klar.

Ich weiß nicht, wonach der Mann gesucht hat. Aber ich weiß auch nicht, wonach ich suche. Nicht wirklich. Ich habe wage Ahnungen, aber ich würde es mich nicht wagen, das in Worte zu fassen. Weil es manchmal Dinge gibt, für die gibt es keine Worte. Und seien es die Gefühle.

Ein Wort ist immer nur eine Beschreibung von etwas, eine Definition. Ein Kennwort, zur Verständigung. Wir wissen was der andere meint. Aber der andere kann es nicht fühlen.

Fazit: Armer Mann – Ich kann damit leben.

Und der Sog geht weiter. Ich lasse bewusst das Thema Geld aus meinen Gedanken, weil ich heute schon zwei Mal fast ausgerastet wäre, deswegen.

Was bleibt also? Arbeit, Schule und Freundschaft/Beziehung.

Arbeit bzw. Ausbildung sieht noch gut aus. Bald habe ich einen Einstellungstest im Bochumer Rathaus, wenns klappt bin ich in 4-5 Jahren Beamtin im mittleren Dienst. Zwei Banken sind auch noch offen, bei denen ich ich bereits Online angetestet und im Bewerbungsverfahren weitergeleitet wurde. Ich bewerbe mich weiterhin fleißig. Zwei Versicherungen muss ich noch anschreiben, alles andere ist nur zweite Wahl. Ich hab es bewusst erstmal nur ganz oben versucht (auch beim Finazamt, worauf ich auch noch warte) und die zeigen alle nur positive Reaktionen.

Womit wir zu Schule kommen. Ich bin fast schon überheblich. Die Lehrer betteln meine Mitschüler an, ob nicht jemand anderes auch mal wollen würde, weil sich immer nur eine Ecke von 2-3 Leuten meldet. Und in der sitze ich. Mittlerweile werde ich manchmal gar nicht mehr dran genommen und habe am Ende trotzdem eine mündliche 1 notiert bekommen. Sie wissen schon, das ich die richtige Antwort weiß und um ehrlich zu sein… Es ist einfach nur einfach. Aber vielleicht liegt das daran, das ich 21 und nicht mehr 17 bin, wer weiß das schon? (Andere dort sind allerdings bis zu 29 Jahre alt…)

Mein Mathelehrer, der nicht oft Komplimente macht, wollte mich glaube ich sogar zum Abitur überreden. Und danach halt zum Studium. Ich wehre das immer ab mit: Ich bin zu alt, ich möchte das nicht, was mir alle auszureden versuchen. Ich wäre doch nicht alt. Vielleicht stimmt das, aber ich bin zu ungeduldig. Ich will mir den Stress nicht antun. Lernen ohne Ende, weil da werde ich sicher nicht gleich Superbrain sein. Wenn ich dann ein Abitur habe, muss ich einen Studienplatz erhalten und das kann dauern. Nebenbei arbeiten, oder Bafög beantragen. Das ist mir viel zu stressig und zu zeitaufwendig. Ich wüsste auch gar nicht, was ich gerne machen wollen würde, wofür man studieren muss. Mit kreativen Bereichen, möchte ich nichts mehr zu tun haben. Zeichnen interessiert mich nicht und ich kann es nicht. Schreiben frustriert mich nur. Und vom Designen am PC werde ich kirre im Kopf. In meinem Perfektionismus halte ich mich unnötig lange auf und werde launisch.

Ich will mit 25 Jahren anfangen eine Familie zu gründen. Ich wünsche mir wirklich jetzt schon Kinder. Aber erst brauche ich eine abgeschlossene Ausbildung, ein Auto (:P) und ein, zwei Jahre Berufserfahrung. Und dann bin ich vollkommen zufrieden. Ich weiß, das ich in meiner Arbeit vollkommen aufgehen kann. Solange das Klima stimmt. Ich liebe es, Anerkennung für perfektes Funktionieren zu ernten. Weil ich mich dadurch auch automatisch nach oben schleiche. Und dann macht das Ganze noch mehr Spaß. Ich habe auch nie Probleme mit Neidern anderer Mitarbeiter gehabt und das liegt wohl an meiner umgänglichen Art. Ich sporne Leute eher an, als ihnen das Gefühl von Konkurenz zu geben. Immerhin war ich mit 18 Jahren (wenn auch eine schlecht Bezahlte), eine von drei Vollzeitkräften (der Rest kämpfte vergeblich um eine rare Vollzeitanstellung), auch noch, nachdem das Jahr mit dem Zuschlag von der Arbeitsagentur für den Chef vergangen war. (:P) Und ich wäre es wohl heute noch, wenn mir nicht auf halbem Wege, die Puste ausgegangen wäre.

Auch diese Sache… Manchmal weiß ich nicht, ob mir die Depression und das Burn Out nicht den Verstand kaputt gemacht haben. Manchmal fühle ich mich, wie ein kranker, gestörter Mensch. Das Ironische an der ganzen Sache ist, das alles so ist wie vorher. Ich habe nur die Fehler erkannt. Und handle nun so, wie es vielleicht ein vernünftiger, glücklicher Mensch tun würde. Mit Selbstachtung und so.

Und das bin nicht ich, wie ich es vorher war.

Und das ist gut so.

Und Freundschaften? Die Tage stehe ich dem ganz kritisch gegenüber. Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob ich abserviert wurde, oder ob da einfach nur jemand wartet, das ich aus mir herauskomme und voller Reue über wertvolle Verluste alles daran setze, das Türmchen wieder aufzubauen. Das liegt nämlich überhaupt nicht in meinem Sinne. Ich erhole mich gerade von den zwischenmenschlichen Strapazen der letzten drei Jahre. Und jetzt befinde ich mich in einem Zustand, in dem mir noch nicht einmal auffallen würde, wenn ich so manchen zwei Jahre nicht wiedersehe. Ich vermisse gar nichts. Und das es viele Menschen gibt, die aus meinem Leben verschwunden sind, habe ich die Tage eigentlich nur deswegen bemerkt, weil keiner mehr da ist, von dem ich mir Geld leihen könnte. XD (Bis auf ein paar Ausnahmen, von denen ich mir aber nichts leihen würde. )

Jetzt könnten wir vielleicht wieder zu der, schlechter Mensch – These zurückkehren. Bin ich ein schlechter Mensch? Deswegen? Weil ich rücksichtslos und arrogant bin? Weil ich der selben Überzeugung wie meine Ärztin bin, die mir Honig ums Maul schmiert, was für ein starker Mensch ich bin und klug (das man das nicht abstreiten könne, sagte sie wenig begeistert und ich weiß warum: Sie weiß, das ich weiß, das sie mich beobachtet, was ja ihr Job ist und es stört sie, das ich sie analysiere, wenn sie versucht mich zu analysieren, denn das macht es ihr schwer, mich unbemerkt zu beobachten), das ich fürchterlich erwachsen wäre und stolz sein kann, es so weit geschafft zu haben. Das war ich schon immer, wenn auch auf eine schmerzende, unbefriedigende Art und Weise.

Ich persönlich denke, ich bin kein schlechter Mensch. Der gesamte Durschnitt ist arrogant und egoistisch. Da heißt es nur anders: Es nennt sich “selbstbewusst” und “auch mal an sich selber denken”. Ganz großes Tennis.

Aber selbst wenn ich es doch bin, bin ich genügend gebeutelt durch mich selbst, also gleicht sich das wieder aus.

Ich setze mich nicht für andere ein, weil ich mich danach besser fühle, da ich mich dadurch als guten Menschen sehe und später vom lieben Gott ein Lob erhalte. Ich setze mich für andere Menschen ein, weil ich kein Leid sehen kann und nachts ruhig schlafen können will. Weil mich mein eigener Gerechtigkeitssinn unsagbar quälen kann, wahrscheinlich, weil mir selber viel Unrecht widerfahren ist.

Und Freundschaften an sich haben für mich irgendwie die Bedeutung verloren. Außer denen, die für mich richtig sind, wichtig sind und welche noch unerschütterlich bestehen (und davon gibt es nicht viele…). Ich habe kein Interesse daran, Kaputtes, Zerlogenes aufrecht zu erhalten, oder entstehen zu lassen. Ich habe meine Depression so gut wie überwunden, um mich am Ende abzuschotten, wer hätte das gedacht.

Ich mag Menschen. Am liebsten, wenn ich sie nicht kenne.

More statistical evidence of pastoral burnout from Anne Jackson’s Mad Church Disease.

• 94 percent agree with the statement, “There is extra pressure being married to a minister,” including 54 percent who strongly agree.
• Six out of ten pastors say that their role as a minister prevents them from spending sufficient time with their family.
• Overall, pastors rated their family health as a 4.

(Jackson includes other stats on the health of pastoral families in her book).

Buy a copy of Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic on Amazon.com

Tired of hearing about the bad economy and unemployed workers? Well get used to it, and while you are at it go ahead and add the employed workers to the list. Librarians should be prepared for the next wave of information seekers: the workers who are left behind. These are the workers who are still employed, and who are being told that they are the lucky ones. These are the workers who get to do the extra work since the company has downsized. These are the workers that are having benefits and rights taken away, while getting more and more duties added to their job descriptions. These workers are the ‘lucky ones’.

Are corporations playing fair? Or are they using the bad economy to some extent as an excuse to further maximize profits and workers output? According to Art Wittmann, “what beat-down, disillusioned, burned-out employees need today is a belief that management knows that “business as usual” just plain sucks right now, and that it has a vision for how things will be different – and better – in the future.”

Wittmann suggest three things that management can do to help alleviate this situation.

1. Don’t try to BS your way out of an honest appraisal of the state of your business and its near-term prospects.
2. Start talking about what the future improvements will look like. Don’t make hiring promises that you won’t be able to keep.
3. Start to plan how you’ll do things differently from and better than your competition.

Librarians can also help this burnt out workforce by preparing them to search for new jobs or explore new careers via Web 2.0 tools such as Twitter or LinkedIn.  Perhaps even some of these newly learned Web 2.0 tools could help them in them become more efficient in their current jobs, making their life just a little bit easier, while at the same time adding some valuable skills to their resume.

Hopefully corporate America will become sensitive to their employees’ plights, and take sincere actions to improve, or at the very least acknowledge, their employees stressfully overloaded situations. Companies not addressing these potentially hazardous situations have a very short sighted stance, and are endangering everyone’s future by ensuring an overburdened and burnt out workforce.

References:

Wittmann, A.. (2009, August). ‘I’d Rather Work Anywhere Else’. InformationWeek,(1239), 46.  Retrieved November 18, 2009, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 1862293081).

Jos sinusta alkaa tuntua että muistissasi on jotain vikaa. Käy tekemässä muistitesti. Muisti-testi. 

Tee testi vain kerran. Älä petä itseäsi. Jos selvisit testistä tyydyttävästi, selviät vielä ihan hyvin normaaleista päivittäisistä kuvioista. Jos sait hyvän tuloksen onnittele itseäsi. 

Muistin huonominen voidaan pysäyttää. Ensin on kuitenkin selvitettävä syy. Jos sait huonon tuloksen on aika mennä lääkäriin ja tarkempiin tutkimuksiin.  Huonoon muistiin on monia syitä: kilpirauhasen toimintahäiriöt,  B-vitamiinin puute,  masennus, stressi,  burn out,  aliravitsemus tai jakavampi syy kuten Alzheimerin tauti.

Muisti toimii paremmin kun sitä joutuu käyttämään. Sosiaalinen vuorovaikutus parantaa muistia, kuten myös riittävä lepo ja terveet elämäntavat.

I hit the ‘Send’ button on an email I was waiting to send for two days now. I checked the clock and it said 2:34 am.

PS: What’s crazier – eating 8 puris from a roadside guy or drinking 2 litres of Pepsi straight from the bottle with a pack of cigarettes?

Image Courtesy: Purdue.edu

I’ve been doing some thinking about ToC and ToGC, namely in the context of raider burnout and turn-over. I should say first though that this post is dedicated to my fellow Axiom Prot-Warrior Armann who stopped tanking recently because Heroic Strike spam gave him a serious medical condition (carpal tunnel aka “The Claw”).  His transfer to our DPS team (you can play a Death Knight with one hand, apparently) got me thinking about this.  We can pour a “40″ on his shield later.  Get better soon man.

On topic, however, I’ve seen a lot of signs showing the stress of raiding is taking its toll.  Or boredom taking its toll.  I think either way you would be hard to find that many people “enthused” about the content of the current raid instance.  Some people I am sure would tell you this is because Trial of the Crusader is too easy, while others would say it is because Trial of the Grand Crusader is too hard.  I am of a slightly different opinion, which is that (as a whole) it’s too short.

I’ll start by acknowledging that I think that both the prior statements are true – ToC is too easy and ToGC is too hard, but realistically speaking I don’t think that either is to blame for the sense of malaise that I can feel in raiding right now.  The reason for that is because this whole raiding business (actually, MMOs as a whole, but that’s getting way off my point) is a social experience.  The thing that really keeps us going is not so much the experience of the content itself, but rather the experience as it is with other people.

At this point in the game (late content patch) I think most raiders are either farming for loot (ToC) or wiping trying to do things the hard way (ToGC).  Generally, we wipe for hours and hours on Heroic Northrend Beasts (not even any trash to clear to break the monotony!), whereas we’re spending maybe and hour in ToC getting upgrades and generally goofing off.  The stress to de-stress ratio is way skewed, and that is a function of the fact that the Crusader’s Coliseum is way too short.  In Ulduar (which was super long, of course) there was a definite progression of difficulty and, well, trash to fill up the extra time (And give you a break after wiping for several hours).  There were also choices of what to work on instead of being highly linear.  Hell, Molten Core was less linear than Crusader’s Coliseum, and it’s practically a model of the genre.

Sure, you might say, why don’t you just do ToC?  I think the answer can be found in the different kind of malaise we saw with at the end of content patch 3.0.x.  Just farming is as brain killing as just wiping.  I think most raiders want to be challenged (or else why would we throw ourselves at the same fight for four hours?), even if we do need to stagger it with an easier fight or trash just for our sanity.

All that brings me to the point, namely that we’re drooping (nay, dropping) because ToC and ToGC together are a 1-2 punch that practically drains your brain by design.  If it feels like 3.3 can’t hit soon enough; if your raid members are dropping faster than tanks on Gormok the Impaler; or if your tired of logging on once a week to farm for an hour then maybe this is why.

As a related note, if you are looking for a good gift for your favorite tank this holiday season, remember their heroic strike finger – a little BenGay goes a long way.