Everyone knows someone or two that walks the fine line. Above it, there’s a vast open space in which everything is pretty cool. Below it, a valley of garbage and dirt. What I’m trying to say is, if your main squeeze or your friend has so many fine lines going on they are just a big wrinkly split end mess, give them a test (not a really mean one, just one that requires common sense) and see if they pass. If not, the choice is made for you, and they’re valley of garbage and dirt-bound. This here test I mentioned above will help you figure out who really needs to rule with you on a regular basis. Not to say you should really put them in the thresher, but consider them a once-in-a-sometime participant in your awesomeness.

For 17 days the world has been transfixed with the Olympics. Everyone tuned in to see the greatest display of competition and sportsmanship…okay who am I kidding most people watched the Olympics to see Michael Phelps. Women drool over his body, but let’s be real he is a total butterface. Phelps however is not the only Olympic athlete with a hott bod, but not so hott face.

8. Katie Hoff

When my brother saw her on the T.V. he asked if I was watching the Special Olympics. She’s not fugly, but she’s not exactly beauty queen status either.

7. Fabio Magalhaes

His name alone qualifies him for this list, Fabio? Seriously? He is a beach volleyball player so he has the cut arms and legs, but that smile needs some work. You could drive a car through that gap in his teeth.

6. Margaret Hoelzer

Something about this girl just doesn’t sit right with me…oh wait maybe it’s that huge nose on her noggin that’s buggin me. I’ve also decided that swim caps don’t help anything either.

5. Matthew Helm

Ok so here we have a diver from Australia, hott accent, hott diver body, hott face? I DON’T THINK SO! Do they have leprechauns in Australia? Where’s the pot ‘o Gold?

4. David Walters

This guy looks like he’s spent way too much time in the pool. Look at what chlorine has done to his face! I don’t even know what else to say about it.

3. Alain Bernard

OMG look at those abs in the picture on the right…to die for! But if I stare at his face to long I get queasy. If he swam up to me in the pool I would think that its jaws coming after me. “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…Everyone out of the pool!”

2. Amanda Beard

Amanda beard, now here is an Olympic athlete with a hott bod. She’s posed for many ads and magazines, but has anyone looked at her face? She may be trying to look sexy, but she is failing miserably. The two pics above are just two of the many where she straight up looks like a drag queen. It may as well be Patrick Swayze’s face from To Wong foo…

1. Michael Phelps

Does anything need to be said about Michael Phelps’ body? I think not…but hmmm his smile not so appetizing. I wouldn’t want to listen to him talk either. Sadly this is definitely a time where you would have to keep your eyes below the shoulders.

I know this is just going to make you guys think I’m still not over the whole Stephanie Rice-Michael Phelps thing (I so am!), but whatever, it still needs to be said.

As my most devoted readers will note, I have referred (in a post about Rice, haaa) to the aforementioned dolphin-man as “not a bad looking guy.” However, I should clarify that those not-too-bad looks are primarily to be found below his chin. I mean seriously people, this is a body that has never known the meaning of “beer”, “saturated fat”, or “lounging around”. But let’s face (pun intended) it, it can be hard for a face to live up to an impossibly chiseled physique.

So we all agree on this fact, but how can we put it more succinctly in everyday conversation, using a hilarious slang word? Easy:

Phelps is a butterface.

(I sure wish I could take credit for this word usage, but in reality we have gaycondo to thank. Though I should note that Erin has been using the term “butterface” for years now.)

That’s right, he’s that fine-lookin’ gal or guy you spot from across the room, but by the time you get close enough to deliver your favorite pick-up line you realize that god created this particular work of art during his Abstract period. As Erin would say, “good from afar but far from good.”

If this post makes you think I’m not only shallow but also mean, I have news for you: I am. However, I will allow that Phelps is not the only one plagued by this imbalance on the face/body scale. Another person that comes to mind is–and feel free to disagree with me here–yours truly.

People have claimed that I have a “trim” body, and whether this assessment (ASS-essment, if you will) is true or not, the fact remains that at times the corresponding face looks like this:

(If you do somehow find this mug attractive and want to see more, just come over and feed me a whole bunch of tequila.)