Once in a while I visit my 39 year old aunt. Her husband died 10 years ago, so she lives alone in a huge house. When I visit her I have my own room there. It’s quite nice to be there. You can do whatever you want and sometimes even more people come over and have a nice time at my aunt’s house.

My aunt loves it to drink a glass of wine – sometimes one or more glasses too much. I love it when my aunt gets drunk. When she is drunk she drops her clothes somewhere at her house, runs naked through the house and even sleeps naked.

I often go to her room then and enjoy her nude skin, her silky – sometimes unshaved – pussy and her round butt. I cannot say if she knows what I’m doing with her then. Option 1: she don’t even notices me. Option 2: she likes my fingers in her pussy and butthole.

I’d like to take a minute to talk about lady butthole. I’ve already addressed ass cleanliness in this blog. Now it’s time for me to…come clean…hehehehe.

The truth is that all women are born without buttholes. That blog was a blatant ploy to further convince men that we are normal creatures who possess God made assholes. Alas, that is not the truth.

Girls are perfect beings born without the need to shit or pass gas. That is so below us. Don’t ask me about how the magic of the female body works. Hell if I know. Anything that has the ability to make a god damn baby is a mystery to me. All I know is that our bodies have no need to shit. It processes food in some other magic way.

Wait, wait, wait you say! What about all the anal sex? What about the times I’ve heard my girlfriend fart? Let me clear all that up for you.

Much like boys get circumcised if the parents chose for him to be, little girls get butthole surgery when they are very young. Some girls have parents that feel this is a barbaric practice that serves no real purpose. Those girls grow up having to explain to their boyfriends that it’s not that they are prudish when it comes to back door sex, it’s just that they have no back door.

The lucky girls that get butthole surgery get one made by a plastic surgeon. It is only about four to five inches deep and is basically just a tube to nowhere. Occasionally there are problems with the openings and girls have to go in later in life to get their buttholes tightened but that is very rare.

Because this is a secret in today’s society, girls must keep up appearances by pretending to shit. Haven’t you ever wondered why girls have the ability to poop in two minutes flat while guys take an hour? Because we’re not actually shitting. We’re picking at our nails, straightening the bathroom cabinet and reading a magazine.

Now, for those of you who have heard girls fart, there is an explanation for that as well. There are tiny devices we can insert into our fake assholes that not only make a farting noise but also emit a slight smell. Girls generally will insert one of these once they’ve been in a relationship for a long enough time and want to prove to a man how comfortable they are by “letting one slip”.

There are inserts that are rose and cotton candy scented as well but those tend to be used mostly by strippers.

Now you know. But keep it on the DL.

I have plenty of good reasons though.

A somewhat epic visit from my parents including the following things: Drinking, segway tours, video games, drinking, waxing, parental sex talk, drinking and eating way too much fried pie. There wasn’t a spare moment to blog. And I have SO MUCH to blog about.

1. The curse of texting and how women are fucking idiots

2. The real truth about lady buttholes

3.The magic switch in a girl’s vagina that changes her brain when your dick hits it

4. Okay I totally thought I had a few more stored up but maybe not. I’ve been drunk for two weeks, give me a break.

The Unicorn is texting me right now. We ran into him at a bar last night. He wants to go out Wednesday but I have a hankering to meet The Librarian instead. The Unicorn is a lovely fella but due to his “I know you want to fuck me as much as I want to fuck you” text the other night (which I just realized I haven’t even written about. SLACKER!!!!) I’m a tad put off by him.

The truth is that I have no desire to fuck him at this point. What has he done to warrant a trip to my vagina? Nothing. I’ve faked enough orgasms in the last few weeks….Okay so I only faked one but god dammit that is one too many. It’s not like it’s hard to make me come. Jesus. Nothing is worse than unsatisfying sex. But when Lucy asked why fake having a good time I had to reply that I would rather the guy thinks he’s doing a good job. If it was a boyfriend it would be different but casual sex is not something that I care to put work into. If I can tell that there’s no way in hell I’ll be getting off then I’ll just fake it and go to sleep.

Yup, I’m a twat.

I just told The Unicorn that after I left the bar last night I passed out and woke up naked in a gutter wearing bunny ears and a gas mask.

I think it’s safe to say I don’t care too much about having a meaningful relationship with anyone right now.

This is what happens when I write blogs while stoned at 2 am with a guy drunk texting me.

They make no sense. The blog, not the texts.

I had such a bad hangover today that I couldn’t open my eyes due to the searing pain that light caused. This is odd because I ate a huge dinner and then drank less than usual. I think Lucy may have drugged me. I have a large sore spot on my arm from where she bit me because she was upset that I wasn’t hitting on the bartender. Only a true friend will hurt you in the name of getting you laid. The bartender in question is adorable and now has my number due to Lucy screeching at him to take it. He might have took it because he was shitting his pants in terror at this alabaster snow white of a girl shrieking at him. Though he willingly scribbled down his number for me as well. But when I say willingly I mean that Lucy may have had a gun to his head. I was looking at the floor in shame the entire time. That may have been when she drugged my drink as well. I can find no other explanation for this hell bitch of a hangover.

Therefore, I am stoned. To ease the hangover. It’s working quite well except that I can’t sleep due to Unicorn texts every five seconds. I have to get up early to prepare for dinner party/ halloween parties.

Ugh.

I will blog my heart out on Wednesday.

Preferably not stoned.

Last night a few of us naughty girls went out and had a few “cock” tails hehee. I came home with a “cock” ohh i mean a old friend of mine i used to fuck. You know a friend with benefits lol. He was looking way to hot last night plus he has a big dick! I was really horny and i could tell he was wanting in my panties again lol.

We fucked til like 2am and it was soo fucking good OMFG! Then like 6:00am i felt him licking my pussy. He was teasing my clit with his tongue and spreading my legs apart. I was about half asleep but that sure did get me up. And as i looked between his legs something else was “UP”

I grabbed his huge hard on. He slid around and started to fuck my mouth while he stuck his finger right in my butthole! It felt so fucking good with his finger wiggling around in my tight asshole with his tongue on my clit.

I was sucking on his cock pretty good and he said Lyndee if you keep this up your going to get a big fucking load in your mouth. He was sucking on my clit and fingering my ass. I told him to shoot that fucking load right in the back of my throat! Quess what he did? Then i kicked his ass out hehee, he had to go to work anyways lol.. I love dating again, well more like slutting again lol..

Mmmm dont you want some of my pussy and ass right now?  You know you want to call me right now. Your ADDICTED to me and im your new porn baby. Call me and ill be your dirty whore for you!

Call me lets fuck!

LYNDEE 1-866-332-8803

VISIT MY SITE HERE

"Hearts" by Norm Murray

Are you staring at that lady?

Yes.

Ha – Why?

I am trying to figure out which is the opening to her vagina, and which is her butthole.

She has her clit pierced.

Yeah – I noticed.

Would you ever do that?

No – I don’t think so.

Why not?

I don’t know.

Betcha that hurts.

I don’t know…  Do I look like that when I am lying down?

Yes, exactly.

How can you tell which is her butthole?

Where the shading is – where it’s not so pink.

Well – I see that place, but then there seems to be a little divet between her butt cheeks – that you would think would be it.

That’s it.

Which?!

Between her cheeks…

Are you sure that’s what I look like?

Yes, lay down, let me see.

Yes, you look exactly like that – except your ass is bigger.  It’s rounder – you have more of a hump.

Yeah – her cheeks are kinda flat.

Are you still staring at her?

Yes.

Talk over me, especially into a cell phone.

My job obviously requires counting money. I try to count the cash for each transaction twice: once behind the counter and once in front of the customer. This means that, if I do make a mistake, I have an extra opportunity to catch it so my drawer count is correct. Sometimes I have really rude customers who talk over me while I’m counting the second time, or say, “You don’t have to do that.” I smile sweetly and reply, “I’m not counting it for you.” Then I recount it two or three more times, even if it’s the right amount, just to get them back for being such a butthole. If the customer is on a cell phone, I count it normally, and then hold it and stare at them until they stop talking. They get really mad sometimes, but I tell them, “I don’t want to interrupt your conversation.” I always have to smile and have a pleasant tone because it’s a quiet environment and my boss isn’t far away. So I can’t really be an ass. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take an extra five or ten minutes of your time. The ridiculous thing is that some of these people are regulars and do the same thing every fricking time.

~K in AZ

To start, we are NOT a sorority. Thanks for asking.

Yes, we have our own songs, chants, traditions, pre-show warm ups, date parties, socials, and more fun than you would ever have (unless you joined us, of course), but in answer to your question, skeptical-looking-show-security-at-our-fall-2008-show-barbie-shows-her-bloomers, we are, unquestionably, not a sorority.

So what are we? Google all-female musical sketch comedy troupe, with or without the hyphen, we’re the first link that comes up. In short, we are a female version of SNL, except funny. (The cockiness is for pure entertainment purposes. SNL’s been doing some great stuff lately and has make quite the comeback from its multiple-year-slum) In long (if purely for physical symmetry), we’re here to make inappropriate jokes witty and everyday life laughable, and to present the already ridiculous in all its pee-in-your-pants-hilarity glory.

Conceptual descriptions aside, let me simplify. We’re a bunch of imaginative college students expressing our inner genius (and/or insanity) through making giant condom costumes, building creepy but really kind of nifty potted flowers and pussy willow sets, collecting money like hamsters stuff food in their cheeks, rockin the most eclectic mesh of instruments in naughty nurses and/or friendly communist costumes, and facilitate long philosophical discussions about floaters and buttholes.

All of this come together and culminate in our Fall and Spring shows which have (dis)graced (just kidding, we’re classy) Penn’s campus the last 30 or so years. Show week is perhaps the most fun, and most horrifying experience. Amidst warnings of “heads(!),” (in reference to spotlights and other heavy objects falling from the cherry picker reminiscent of the metal-poles-and-other-shit-impaling-people-galore found in the first 3248932749 minutes of There Will Be Blood, not to be confused with the plural for promiscuous extracurricular activity), advice to not be hungover before lifting heavy objects, dodging shoes being drunkenly abet good-naturedly thrown onstage by rambunctious  audience members, and the general pandemonium of gummy worms, bananas, and extra thick cigars, we manage to shock and amuse our audiences with impressions of wanton prehistoric bipedal carnivores, popular talk show host personalities, and wildly successful election trail contributions (non-monetary, non-bias, and non-sexual).  Please see youtube clips and purchase show DVDs for details.

Shameless plug later, we’re ready to welcome you to the life of Bloomers, as exotic, inventive, and festive as the underwear themselves. In risking sounding like gossip girl, although some of us do love the show in a Gov Sanford visiting Argentina kind of way (read: guilty pleasure, literally), this will be where your one-stop source for how all-female musical sketch comedy troupes really work. And if you haven’t noticed already, we raise the roof as much as the characters of gossip girl, add port wine and subtract port wine reduction.

Bloomin’ excited to blow the lid off of our not-so-secret(s) ,

Bloomers

People are some of the weirdest animals around. Most other animals don’t bother about adding adornment to their bodies, nor about morals and modesty. But Miss Modest supposes that’s what separates humans from the rest of the wild kingdom. Still, there are some really odd mofos out there and humans as a group top the list.

Okay, let’s take the facts. Once we crawled out of the steaming mud and swamps, grew legs and backbones and started loping through the trees, we have had certain penchants. No, not sex. Every animal has that: it’s continuation of the species after all. But humans, like some birds and other animals, like bright and shiny things. Gold, emeralds, diamonds, silk, fur, etc. These didn’t start out in the jungles of our primordial youth with pricetags attached. They gained fame and expense because people wanted them, lusted for the texture, the taste, the color, the rarity. So it’s always been.

That human want has also extended to our bodies. Pretty clothes, sexy outfits, expensive threads. And of course body enhancement to yes, adorn or beautifysome areas, make them stand out, or change them. Most often this is to make humans look good or appealing to other humans. Padded bras, breast implants, penis extensions, hair cuts, tans, etc. all help to make us different and unique. Or to befuddle the foe.

In the land of the far out things people will try is that of anal bleaching. Miss Modest kids you not. Yes, there are people who bleach their anuses, their buttholes, their little puckered flowers. They want them to have that just born brightness. Obviously this doesn’t work so much for brown and black skinned people but others have decided a uniformity of color is a must.

Miss Modest could understand perhaps where a porn star has every crack and crevice blown up on the big screen. And along the way it became unsightly and unattractive to have too much body hair, or have any, or blemishes, or spots, or color that wasn’t of a lovely airbrushed finish. What to do about the area where the sun never shines, the poop shoot that is not as pinky white as your other skin Will people think your pooh has stained you, that you don’t  wipe yourself well? Oh no!

Bleach you bunghole well, children, because your future relationships depend on it. Seriously, if your brainpan is shallow enough to believe this shite then you deserve the buttheads you end up with. No one should base a relationship on looks alone and certainly not on what the nether rose looks like. “I’m sorry my dear, you’re lovely and intelligent but I just can’t see you anymore because your asshole is a light shade o’ brown.” What is anyone doing inspecting one’s butthole so closely for anyways?

Obsession means an unhealthy fixation on something and people who are digging the anal bleaching (where enough people have ended up at the hospital for wicked burns and rashes) have fixated on an extreme of what is beauty. Take it from Miss Modest, no one has ever run screaming from  looking at a normal butthole, nor do most sane and emotionally healthy peeps  get down to inspection of such. If you’re a proctologist, that’s different.

Do yourselves a favor. If you’re considering bleaching the bunghole, stop and give yourself a good look. Not on the surface but deep into your psyche. What are you really trying to do? Who are you trying to please? At the point of butt bleaching you may as well take that bleach and scour your dirty insides and mind because the true flaws are there and no amount of cosmetic wizardry is gonna fix your problem.

We have imaginatively decided to open a shop selling pies. The shop is called Cheese Pie and white gooey melted cheese ooze out of every single pussy shaped pie! Pay $2 more for a cherry on the top! We will also sell Cream Pies! Exact same shit except named differently. There will be no need for advertisements.

BB says: (4:54:59 PM)
gays totally make sense ok. think about it. none of that chick mindfuck bullshit. its just sex with a bro. except its not a pussy. thats critical for me
D says: (4:55:33 PM)
hahaha
BB says: (4:56:59 PM)
im kinda used to gayshit. too many men here making out on the streets
D says: (4:57:08 PM)
really??
BB says: (4:57:08 PM)
when i first saw them, my dick retracted back into my butthole. or whatever is the opposite of erection.
D says: (4:57:14 PM)
hahah
D says: (4:57:19 PM)
now ure having hard ons

I just … do not have time to post this today. I just have so much to freaking do. I don’t want to sound like a whiny loser with stupid brains, but I am busy and crabby and melancholy and blehhh.
First I have to finish a logo for my computers class, and because I can never just do something, I have to obsess over it and put all my strength into it, I am hand drawing the logo and then scanning it in. It’s for my school’s Science Club, because I was way into the color green that day and I liked the idea of making a cute little animated test tube. So I have to do that. Then I have to spend like 30 minutes editing the crap out of this paper for the same class because the writing center tutor (that our teacher thought was crucial for us to all see) did not like my writing style and said it was “inappropriate for school” even though I have been writing that way my whole life, including eight months of high school and never have gotten a complaint. In fact, the teacher that I was writing for loved my last paper because it had, and I quote, “an actual voice.” But, part of the requirements of the paper is that I “see a writing center tutor and make any changes that said tutor sees fit”. I am not happy about this.
And I know, I know. This kid is a Junior, two years older than me, so he has more experience. My problem with the whole thing was that 1) our teacher felt the need for us to see a writing tutor for the second paper we’ve written in the class and 2) that he desperately tried to squeeze every ounce of creativity out of my paper and out of me. Excuse me for using the phrase “plethora of colors” when it came to describing a laptop. Rawr.
Okay, okay. I’ve cooled down a bit. I finished the logo while listening and signing along to The Ministry of Magic. The amazing voices and the soothing activity of coloring made me less angry. For those interested, here is the logo.

The lines, in black, are supposed to look all shaky and obviously “hand drawn”. I did it on purpose so it looked a little imperfect, yet still classy. At least I think …

Lenin was such a butthole. Courtesy of the BBC.

Let’s face it. No reasonable person LOVES conflict and confrontation. Most of us like to be liked, wouldn’t you agree? Lot’s of times I struggle because I am a nice person. There are some things that people just don’t give me the right to say or do…because I’m seen as a nice person. If I was a jerk I could do anything I wanted and no one would think twice about it!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to be nice…but its okay to not be nice too. Your value as a person doesn’t come from you being a nice person. Your value as a human being comes from you being a COMPLETE PERSON. You may be nice most of the time, but not all of the time. There are times when nobody is going to listen to you unless you get a little “ugly”.  Remember the meek, gentle, 8lb 6oz, baby Jesus…the same one that turned the tables over and drove the crooks out of the temple with a whip?  You may need to turn some tables over and you might have to say some things that are not-so-nice.  IT’S OKAY FOR YOU TO BE A COMPLETE HUMAN BEING! In leadership, if you give yourself this right (and give the people following you this right)…then you will be more relaxed when you have to deal with issues that come up. And if you carry it too far and you say something you shouldn’t have…you can always apologize. What?! A leader apologizing…is that allowed?

So, be a butt-hole today…even if its just for a minute.  I dare you!