Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past several decades, you know how damaging smoking is to your health.  My family has had more than its share of deaths, and close-calls, due to lung cancer.  Other risks include heart disease, stroke, cancers and other serious illnesses. 

• If you smoke, keep track of when and why you light up.  Be aware of the situations and places that make you crave a cigarette.  Try changing what you are doing to avoid those triggers.
• Find out what distracts you when you want a cigarette.  Take a walk or wash your hands — whatever works best to redirect your attention.
• Keep substitutes around to keep your mouth and hands busy.  Try eating carrots, sunflower seeds, apple sections or celery, or chewing sugar-free gum.  Carry a pencil or paper clip to have in hand.
• Decrease your exposure to second-hand smoke.

There are a lot of programs to help you quit smoking.  Whatever you do to quit is better than doing nothing.

Source:  American Heart Association

Name It – Whether you are taking responsibility for getting an aging parent to appointments, managing a chronically ill spouse’s medication, or advocating for a child who has special needs, you ARE a caregiver and have special needs of your own.

Claim It – Family caregivers, no matter how much time and energy they spend on caregiving tasks, have a greater risk for stress and stress-related illness. To remain healthy enough to care for your loved one you MUST care for yourself.

Tame It – Stress and caregiving go hand-in-hand. Stress reduction activities should be on the top of your “To Do” list. Physical exercise (even just a ten minute walk), spending time with friends (like a 30 minute coffee break), taking a five minute stretch break every hour, listening to your favorite music, or 15 minutes in a hot bath with a good book, can de-stress the most crazy day.

Request It - If you, or someone you know, is taking care of a loved one, request a copy of my free pamphlet 30 Ways to Replenish your Mind, Body & Spirit produced by the Alliance on Aging. Send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to:

Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, 10977 Granada Lane, Ste. 295, Overland Park, KS 66211

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Preface: I live in Alaska and came to my mother’s house in upstate New York to help her transition home following a hip fracture, replacement and rehabilitation. My sister lives ten miles from here in Richmond, MA. She has a daughter with severe disabilities including no mobility and no speach. Prior to the hip fracture, my mother was completely independent and very active, always on the go.

Following Mom’s doctor appointment yesterday, I told my sister I needed a break. She said, “I don’t know what to do.” Clearly she was not going to offer respite.

She said, “I’ve been out of the house all day and I feel like I need to be here right now.”

Mom is not ready to be left alone so I am quite trapped. I am displaced. I am away from my home, my family, my friends and my work. If it weren’t for the Internet and videochat my own depression would not be manageable right now.

I accepted my sister’s response to my need but this morning I was angry when I woke up. I’ve given too much. “You’re doing a great job,” my sister keeps saying. Of course I am. But I could do better if I had my own support system. If I had my loves and comforts and inspirations I could rest and rejuvenate.

This house holds no nourishment for me. Mom’s friends are kind and remind me to take care of myself. I can’t say I’m doing a very good job at that. I’m turning to my unhealthy comforts of ice cream and junk food.

When I started on this journey I told myself it wasn’t about me. I was putting my life on hold to take care of Mom. I was wrong. A person cannot put their life on hold. This is just as much a part of my life as it would be if I had chosen without any sense of obligation.

Wherever I go, whatever I’m doing, whomever I’m caring for, it’s somehow about me.

We just recently heard some good news in our family. Having be the one to tell my mom was like heaven to me. Having her here to tell her meant everything to me. About 7 years ago, I felt my mom would not make it to see me get married or even have children. Her condition is so bad, though I do not know how healthy she is on the inside. Must be healthy because she is strong willed and stubborn as ever! I am 35 years old, and kind of getting off to a late start with marriage. Starting later in life, I always feared that my mom was never going to be able to see all these wonderful things that are planned for my future.

Fate works in mysterious ways. As fate would have it, God brought my husband to me at a perfect time in my life. I was settled in my apartment with my mom living next door. I was done with the stupid club/bar scene which made me a very selfish person. So I grew up enough to allow someone into my life who would understand my situation and be there for me in a very mature way. I had my mom’s situation on autopilot for a while.

Then it was time for me to get married. At this time my brother came out from wherever it was he was hiding, to help us out. So now I was able to plan a wedding and be a great fiance and welcome my in-laws to the  ”level headed” world of mine (which was not too level-headed 98% of the time).

Now we are trying for a family. Once again as fate would have it, my brother has really stepped up and realized that he does want to help, he wants the Grand kids to know there Grandma, and on the days that I just can not make it to her house, he is there.  As fate would have it, this relieves so much stress off of me, which is the very thing that could prevent me from getting pregnant. As fate would have it, I have the time to concentrate and remember this wonderful time of trying to make a family.

I don’t ever question why things happen the way they do, but just know that someone is looking out for me in a way that is so comforting and supportive. I see all the signs, I am aware of how lucky I am sometimes and I thank God everyday that he believes in me enough to guide me along this journey so I almost never get stuck in the mud.

or fighting it every step of the way. I don’t know which is worse.  There is something to be said for surrounding yourself with friends while you are young so that you are not completely alone and lost when the time comes for you to need help.

Andy’s mom stopped driving about a month ago. Not because she wanted to, but because we asked her to. Or rather, her three children sat her down and said they didn’t think she was safe. She promised not to drive until she was evaluated. In her mind, she was going to prove to us that we are all nuts and she is perfectly fine! Never mind that her husband is scared when she’s driving or that multiple scrapes and scratches on the car predict otherwise.

She took an off-road evaluation first.  Testing of her memory, reaction time and other motor skills. According to her, she did fine “except that I was kind of slow getting my foot from the accelerator to the brake.”  And “it’s a good thing she asked me those questions to test my memory as quickly as she did, or I wouldn’t have remembered.” A rational person would find that a little scary. She thought it quite normal.

Five days ago she took an on-road evaluation with a driving instructor who does these evaluations full time. The guy has extremely gray hair; I guess I would too if I had his job. Super patient man! Mom thought she had passed this one too. “I only went in the wrong lane in the parking lot, so I think I did fine.”  The instructor warned me at the end of the test that he wasn’t going to pass her. I didn’t tell her that. Her doctor gets to do that one! Which he did yesterday.

It’s like watching a little kid slowly have all his toys taken from him. It’s pitiful and sad and what makes it worse is that they both fight each of these stages as though they can hold back time and all the lousiness of getting old will go away. If they don’t deal with it, it simply won’t cause a problem! And they are alone. They have not developed a group of friends to rely on in their life, so now they are extremely lost. There is no one to ask for help; their church least of all. Sunday mornings they have a ride to services, but that’s about it.  The real stinker is that even if they had someone to lean on, they wouldn’t. They just refuse to let on that there is a problem. They’ll get good at riding the public bus paid for by lottery tickets, I guess.

I just hope that when I’m there, I’ll be gracious enough to let others help me. I won’t run from reality or stop others from caring. I won’t be so proud and pigheaded or passive aggressive. I won’t live in denial or pretend there’s no pain. I’ll lean on my God instead of myself and I’ll manage somehow to grow through that stage with grace.

And when they come for my keys, they can have them. I’ll just buy me a pink stretch limo with a wine bar and leather and a really cute chauffer to drive me around! Life’s too much fun to stand by and watch.