Carmella DeCesare is a former Playboy Playmate of the Month for April 2003, where all of her 34B-24-27 goodness is exposed. Her badness was acquitted when she was charged with misdemeanor assault after being accused of karate-kicking the ex-girlfriend of Cleveland Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia . Carmella testified that he cheated on her by dating Kristen Hine and received one year’s probation.

So, where should T.O. go?

I think we can learn much from Shannen Doherty, whose career T.O. has been mimicking for years now.

Ok, refresher: Shannen started on Beverly Hills, 90210 and was kicked off for her general train-wreckness. Then she joined Charmed, all was well, and yet eventually she was kicked off again for being an altogether difficult person. But now she’s back on 90210, in a reduced role. True, she slept with Kelly’s boyfriend on the new show, but her appearance on the show is mostly one to appease old fans and mend fences with the old cast who hated her very much. And now? Tori Spelling, former bf of Shannen Doherty and current, well, whatever the opposite of a best friend is, will be back on the show as well. Shannen/Tori reconciliation. Who would have thought we’d see the day?

What does this mean for the Cowboys?

It’s time to hire Rose McGowan as wide receiver.

What does this mean for T.O.?

Easy, T.O. should return to his first NFL home, the San Francisco 49ers.

I know what you’re saying. The team hated him, the city hated him, and the feeling was mutual. But you know, people change! Ask Shannen. It could be a great redemption tour. And now, maybe instead of hating him, the fans would be nostalgic about T.O.’s play in the old red and gold. Perhaps they would be excited for his return. After all, the 49ers have been consistently terrible lately, even in a weak NFC West division.

Plus, and get the beauty of this, Jeff Garcia is still on the market. So Jeff can head back to San Fran, too. In the role of Tori Spelling, Jeff would forgive T.O. for all of the hateful things that he said to Jeff and all of the undermining he did to the QB and the team, and they would play some kickass football.

What could possibly go wrong?

Seriously.

If Jeff Garcia doesn't want to join the 49ers, he and Carmella can always try a reality show.

It worked for Tori and Dean.

[Update: T.O. is heading to the Buffalo Bills. Huh. I'll have to check Shannen's upcoming projects and see how that works with the whole theory. In the meantime, I wonder how Bills QB Trent Edwards is feeling today.]

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