Her love was just an excuse to hurt me.

She covered my eyes in such a way

That I saw everything; and yet I couldn’t see

Now they say that I have changed

Yes; for you have never let me be me

I would have paid what it takes to get my heart back

Until one day,
When I met Somebody
Who loved me
Just the way I was!
He turned me into somebody
And gave me something!

Now, I have something
To tell everybody
About Somebody
Who changed me
From nobody to somebody
And gave me everything!

* That Somebody is Jesus Christ
and I have everything in Him!

Start slow.

Music in my ears, motivates me to go. Push through the fact that I’ve never ran, never jogged, that this is the start of a new journey.

Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.

Keep going.

The song changes. A song I recognize and haven’t heard for years. A song that is part of my past. A song from long ago.

*Picture perfect fading smiles are all that’s left in sight
I said I’d never leave, you’ll never change
I’m not satisfied with where I am in life
Am I supposed to be happy?

A song that, once again, resonates with me. Differently.

With all that I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

I start to cry. I push forward.
Breathe.

You said, you said you would die for me…

I run harder. Breathe slower. Cry.

We made plans to grow old

I cry for the girl that only wanted this life. This life of family and love. A girl who never imagined the toll it would take. A girl who never imagined the hurt it could cause.

Believe me, there was truth in all those stories that I told.

A girl who was herself. A girl who was lost when life changed. A girl who I haven’t seen in the mirror in years…
Harder. Breathe. Run.

Where did she go? Disappeared in the titles that were placed on her. Wife. Mother. Everything. Gone. She has been gone.
Faster. Harder. Run. Breathe. Faster. Breathe.

The words echo in my head.

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.*

Air catches in my throat and I have to slow down. Slow to a walk. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Slower now.

The song ends and a new one comes on. Another song from my past. The music is harder. Faster. It reminds me again of the girl who disappeared. I look at my reflection in the glass to my left as I walk…

**Turn around, there’s those eyes again.
Turn around fake indifference and I
Watch their cold, dark silhouettes disappear

I’m changed.

A hundred bodies fill this room

Parts of me changed for the better and I love them.

And their faces over done

But  some parts of me, I miss deeply.

Pain is foreign, foreign to us.
I don’t even know you,
You won’t even know I’m gone.

I want those parts back.

Was it something I did wrong?**

I start to run again. Run harder. Run faster. Look down and watch myself disappear. The me I don’t like. I can see my bright red hair bouncing in the reflective glass next to me. I’m bringing back the old me. And I hope Chris understands. It’s the me he knew I was when we got married. The me I allowed to be changed by titles. So what if she’s the weird me? The “different” me?

She’s a happier me, a me I loved.

She’s coming back.

As the song played on, I pushed forward, running harder, running faster, until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

*Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – “Cat and Mouse”*
**Meg and Dia – “Roses”**