My children are little negotiators.  What’s amazing to me is that we really do not let them convince us that their perspectives are correct, yet they continue to quibble with us.  We are constantly saying things like, “It’s not up for discussion,” “I appreciate your perspective, but do what you were told,” and “I will not argue with a three-year-old!” 

Most recently, I had a discussion with our oldest about how it was impossible for her to have put her homework where she was told because we found it on the kitchen counter.  Her explanation:  Someone must have moved it from her bag after she went to bed.  She just could not concede that she was wrong, even in the face of clear evidence and defied logic.

Does your child have that tendency?  Do you see it as a spiritual issue?

As it says in Proverbs 13:10, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”  The Hebrew word for “pride” is zâdôwn, which is defined as arrogance or presumption.  When we are arrogant or presumptuous, we tend to have more dissention in our lives.  Even if we don’t say it out loud, we may be harboring discord in our hearts.  We tend to have on blinders when it comes to worthy advice.

All disagreements–whether small quarrels among friends or monumental contentions between nations–are carried by pride.  When we are unwilling to listen and calmly, thoughtfully consider another perspective, we are refusing to evaluate all the options and analyze a situation with objectivity. 

Admitting we’re wrong, that we hadn’t thought of someone else’s angle, that we can’t figure something out on our own–those are difficult things to say.  Why?  Because they require humility.  They acknowledge that we are fallible, fallen creatures, and then we find ourselves wondering, what then? 

Thus, when our children have a pattern of arguing with us, it is always a spiritual issue.  It’s a warning sign. 

You might think I am being harsh.  Maybe.  But, I would rather overreact than fall short in the face of a spiritual warning sign. 

While there is an obvious concern of undisciplined rebellion in children who argue, there is a lesser-known concern that I have. 

When our children have a habit of being prideful and argumentative, they are showing us that their walk with Christ may become hindered as they fail to see themselves as God sees them.  It’s difficult to admit that we are sinners in need of grace if we can’t concede errors.  Maybe we pay it lip-service, but we never actually accept that “[w]hile we were still sinners, Christ died for us,” even though we do not deserve it.  (Romans 5:8).

It’s also difficult to avoid legalism if we cannot concede wrongdoing.  From a very young age, our flesh is programmed to believe that God must love us more when we are being good and less when we are being bad.  That’s legalistic and untrue, and when our children exhibit through their actions that they believe this flawed outlook, we should parent them out of it.  Otherwise, they risk missing the point of God-sized grace. 

If they cannot concede their own flaws, it is easy to become a stickler for the small things–the myriad of ways that others goof up and fall short.  This may manifest in a grumpy, argumentative outlook or a gossiping, judgmental tone.  Or something else.  But, at the root–deep down–they will eventually start feeling badly about themselves as well.  They will want to be more perfect and be upset when they cannot do it on their own.  What a crazy cycle.

So, what to do about it?  Stay tuned…

Copyright 2011, ProverbsKid

Young school age children help themselves to others things.  Just sneak them.  They know it’s wrong.  That’s why they learn to be sneaky.  People are trying to give their children everything they can, and yet it’s never enough.

I’ve been running into these issues a lot, what with caring for children in my home.  I’ll see children coming back from school with brand new shoes that don’t belong to them.  And the lies they make up.  Honesty needs to be taught somehow.

Greediness, too.  Children that can’t even count money properly are fascinated by it, want it, are willing to steal it.  They can’t even go to the store by themselves, and yet they want money.

I know I’ve had money stolen from me before.  Change for sure.  Bills I don’t want to even think how many I may have lost to wandering fingers who “just want to count it” for me.

The tragic thing is, these kids can be so sweet and innocent seeming.  They want to hang out with me, go places with me, basically take advantage of me.

It really took the cake last night when the $50 gift card that I bought for my grandson’s birthday went missing.  I had three girls sleeping over.  One, I was getting paid for, the other two neighbor girls.  I had bought a little tin to hold the card when I was at the store with the two pre-teens, so they knew the tin was for him.  I put it up by the tv, to remind me to give it to him, when I had a chance to drive over to his place.

It turned out that he was driving his mother nuts so she sent him over to my place around 11 PM.  The girls were all sleeping in the living room, but I tried to find the tin where I left it.  I looked all around, but it wasn’t there.  I checked the younger girls’ bags, and it wasn’t in them, so I woke the older girl who didn’t bring a bag and asked her if she knew where it was.  She said no, so I let her go back to sleep.  She had been tidying up the TV cabinet, so I thought she may have put it somewhere.

The next morning I read the girls the riot act about it, and said that I wanted it back.  No one claimed any knowledge of it.  I told them it wasn’t just an empty tin, but that there was a $50 gift card in there.  I told them, if it didn’t return, I would have to tell their parents.

The two sister left to go home, and after giving them a half hour, I called their house and talked to their dad.  I told them I suspected the older girl and why.  He woke up the mom and they eventually got a confession out of the girl.  At first she blamed a friend that had come into the house for a couple of seconds that evening.  It did turn out that the girl had the tin, but apparently they had tossed the contents into a pile of leaves.  I don’t know if they knew what it was worth or not.  It had a note, but they may have disregarded it.

With the help of the parents of the children involved, I have been paid back most of the money.  I really do appreciate the fact that the parents are trying to instil values in their children and have talked to them about honesty and stealing.  Still, it hurts, and I have found myself unable to sleep tonight at all.  How can I ever trust this girl again.  Her dishonesty is hurting the both of us.  Honesty, it’s more than just not telling lies.

Success is not limited to wealth and status but also to a person’s character. I’d go so far to say that wealth and status are no indicators of any success. They are simply marks of themselves. How rich you are and how many yachts you have to your name. Our generation is coming to terms that a good life is not just happiness and what you have, but being able to find meaning and fulfillment in our lot in life – and then making the most of it. So, I’m going to make this my premise of success.

How successful a person is then, is made of two different kinds of character; his moral character and his performance character. In our schools’ character education, there is a tendency to emphasize a person’s moral character as part of National Education; Racial & Religious harmony, Consensus, Community Support and Respect for the Individual, Family as the basic unit of society and Nation and society before self. Such moral character also finds a lot of valence in religions. But ‘nice guy’ values need to be balanced with more specific performance values. Instead of a vague concept such as ‘Respect’, teaching kids the social intelligence and self-control in group work might be more effective in helping kids work together more effectively and ultimately reach an end goal for his adult-life work ethic. Might that not be a good standard for a ‘successful’ young adult?
Currently, we have no firm solutions, no curriculum that can claim to teach Performance characters – our best bet might be team sports but Sports and Sports Education is not one of Singapore’s forte and personality yet. Our students do extremely well in high-stakes exams and achivement tests, our curriculum is well developed around the GCEs, GCSEs, IBs. So if we are to develop a good Performance character curriculum, should we come up with an assessment for that first?

Seligman and Peterson distilled 24 different character traits in their manual of the science of good character, Character Strengths and Virtue: A handbook and classification. Values such as bravery, citizenship, fairness, wisdom, integrity, love, humour, zest, aesthethics, social intelligence, kindness, self-regulation, gratitude and the like. From there Duckworth further distilled it to a smaller handful that can be easily handled by educators: zest, grit, self-control, social intelligence, attitude, gratitude, optimism and curiousity.

In some schools in America, they have made it part of their curriculum so that GPA is now paired with CPA, Character Point Average. When we look at a person’s GPA, we come to understand how much a person knows about the subject and maybe how intelligent he or she is. But studies show that students who succeed at university are not necessarily those that excel in school tests; those who do well in college have character strengths such as optimism, persistence, social intelligence. When we hire, we want to know if this person is a good team-player. Is he optimistic? Does he want to learn and keep abreast? Can he relate well to bosses and subordinates? Will he be able to read a social situation? Does he take risks?

In Duckworth’s research she found that IQ correlates to achievement scores but measures of self-control were more reliable on report-card grades; ie. continual assessments. That reflects how a student does day-to-day, on a continual basis, not a one-off situation. In work and in life, its the daily trudge that weeds out the grain from the chaff.   We need to teach kids that fortitude to do it for life.
Parents are rightfully concerned about the character of their children. So, we need to make the feedback from school a more specific and reliable picture of what their kids are like. Teachers around the world understand that kids behave differently when they are at home and when they are in school. On the other hand, parents themselves need to learn to trust teachers’ feedback and not fight against them to make life easier for the child in school. A challenge (whether a deprivation or raising of the bar) gives kids the opportunity to prove to themselves they have the resilience. Instead of providing for their kids in every way possible and in doing so protect the kids from the very challenges that can help character growth, allow to experience struggle while they still have the safety net of the family household.

For students, a Character Strength curriculum would give them the cognitive behavioral therapy tools to understand themselves better, their habits, their fears etc and remind themselves of its impacts in a larger social situation so they can understand their shortcomings, work to overcome them and  find success over a crisis and not just a test.

It is the educators then who have the work of infusing character education into classroom teaching. As a teacher, I don’t claim to have done anything close to this in my classroom. I was always at a loss to make explicit character strength mentions within lessons themselves other than my Literature classroom, which was why it was my favourite subject to teach. Because I taught the kids what really matters in life, I showed them that the faint heart never won fair lady and charged my boys to be optimistic, to show some grit in winning the girl. And of course, I taught the girls how to turn them down gracefully.

Because, lets face it. Life is not easy, so let’s not make-belief in the classroom that it is. Instead, we should be showing our kids how to face those challenges, be resolute in the face of trials and come out as better and stronger, like gold from a refiner’s fire. Because we know that trial produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Character Trait Entry: Shy

Being tough is a historically celebrated character trait.

The ability to take a hit and come back for more is something that can turn people into legends. As the prophet Rocky Balboa tells us, “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward.”…

Source:
http://www.red20.net/pg=hines-ward-evander-holyfield-and-the-25-toughest-guys-in-sports

source: Wikipedia: Introversion

Introversion is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life”.[3] Introverts are people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction.[4] Introverts tend to be more reserved and less outspoken in large groups. They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, music, drawing, tinkering, playing video games, watching movies and plays, and using computers, along with some more reserved outdoor activities such as fishing. In fact, social networking sites have been a thriving home for introverts in the 21st century, where introverts are free from the formalities of social conduct and may become more comfortable blogging about personal feelings they would not otherwise disclose. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, engineer, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to an introvert choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents.[5] Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement. They are more analytical before speaking.[6]
Introversion is not the same as shyness or the social outcast. Introverts choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people (who may be extraverts at heart) avoid social encounters out of fear[7] and whereas the social outcast faces solitude, but not by choice.

It’s almost like reading a section about myself .

 I recently attended a matchmaking event, where the Z-owner of a matchmaking service talked about her fiance in these not-so-glowing terms: “The first four months I dated my fiance, I didn’t like him. I thought he was weird.” Of course, I wondered… wow, what did she do (or what did HE do?) for those 4 months? Why didn’t she just move on? What kept her coming back?

In contrast, the other day at Karaoke I met a woman who told the tale of a man she’d met on-line. They had great “chemistry”, slept together fairly quickly … and then he said she was “too much of a party girl”, and basically dropped her flat. THEN, about a week ago, he called her again (after several months) to see if they could get together. “This time” (she vowed), “I’m not going to be so easy. If the chemistry is there, great, we’ll eventually go there. But first I want him to know I’m not a party girl — although I DO like sex! — but I want to do it with some sort of committment. BUT we have such great chemistry, and if it’s still there, I’m certain we’ll have a great time.”

I don’t know what the outcome will be, but it did cause me to ask — again — this question: Which is better? Which is safer? To meet that “special someone” and feel immediate chemistry? Or to develop that attraction, affection, and long-term committment over time, by getting to know someone?  By having a set of character traits you’re looking for?

A relationship coach and her husband, of Relationships123.com, knew each other for awhile before she finally decided that he was “the guy”. She says that he isn’t at all the guy that she ever thought she’d settle down with, but he was persistent. More importantly, she started to look at what was really important to her. She had, in the past, dated other types of guys, and began to wonder “Is my picker broken?” She realized this guy HAS those qualities and character traits she decided she wanted. She now talks about how she wakes up every morning and can’t imagine how lucky she is to be married to him, and goes to bed every evening amazed at how happy she is, and thinks throughout the day of how grateful she is to be married to a guy who fits together with her so well.

I read a poem the other day about chemistry versus true love, and how love learns and grows. It ends like this: “Love learns./Chemistry burns.”

This, of course, leads to the discussion of “LJBF” (Let’s Just Be Friends). There is a discussion on “Eek!Harmony” Facebook fanpage (May 1, 2010) that takes a look at this topic: What does the statement “Let’s Just Be Friends” really mean? I think it means that the person (usually a female, I think) has decided that she can’t ever be physical with the other person, and that the relationship has no potential. In fact, I’ve heard that a woman can decide within 5 to 15 minutes if she could ever sleep with a guy. NOT if she WILL but rather, if things keep progressing, that she COULD… that she could see herself in bed with him, eventually.

In fact, the Karaoke woman said: “If we’re meeting, sometime during the meeting I’d better be looking at him thinking “I wonder what he’d be like in bed” and like what I think, or there’s no 2nd date!” The upshot of all of this? While I appreciate the woman at the karaoke bar’s enthusiasm for getting together with a guy where there was an immediate “spark”, it seems that experience is pointing that, just because the chemistry is there, doesn’t mean it’s a great match. AND, just because it’s not evident right away that a woman wants to jump into bed with a guy, doesn’t mean that desire can’t grow and develop.

Chemistry seems to want to throw relationships to “fate”. Frankly, maybe “chemistry” is the lazy person’s method for picking someone. Maybe that’s why couples who started out with lots of chemistry end up in unsatisfying relationships. In contrast, thinking about what you want, not settling, finding those different character traits in a person — that seems to lead to relationships which are much more successful and deep.

At least, as I said, that’s what some successfully-married people have told me.

EvolvingMan

I think if you ask my friends and family what they think about my personality I don’t know how closely matched they would be. However here goes in 10 words:

1. Damn Talkative
2. Sensitive
3. Caring
4. A lot of Fun
5. Annoying (especially when had just a few drinks)
6. Dirty Cocky
7. Arrogant (Well I think it’s just confident)
8. Smiley
9. Procrastinator
10. Did I mention Talkative… I think everyone would write this twice too ..

So I asked my best friend to give me his 10 words about me, without seeing my list and this is what he came up with (No Editing to his words):

1. Caring maybe to the point of mothering
2. Annoying in the funniest way but talks too much
3. So damn Funny especially when playing a prank.
   1. So I asked for an example and this one night we were in Melaka and there was a ladies group doing some sort of line dance, with one very special dancer. So I decided I would crash the party. I waited in the sidelines until they turned their backs and I copied what he was doing. You can see the video here. It was a random thing actually and wasn’t expecting that I would crash a dance class.
   2. Yep I am the big fat guy at the end dancing to copy the boy dancing

    
4. Easy Going
5. Considerate and emotional
6. Open Minded
7. Crazy
8. Stubborn
9. Sensual – Well this one was a bit odd .. I think he meant exotic not sensual
10. Arrogant
11. Intelligent without perseverance.

Although his vocabulary is a bit off, I was a bit surprised that it closely matched to what I thought myself. He’s basically seen me day in and out, so I guess it’s a given that he knows me well.

That sums me up to a tea!

Love from Micho!

It is true that we can not love everything. However, it is also true that one is forced to do such a thing even if it displeases us completely.
Must be neglected, ill do those things you hate doing?
If you react this way, it simply means that you’re capable of doing something wrong, what I think is quite staggering, unthinkable.
I’m not saying you need to know everything to perfection but simply does not apply to them is staggering.

Know that whenever you have something to do, you must put your whole heart, all your guts, all your love. Indeed, every little thing, any activity needs to be done well, be careful.
Sweeping, ironing, cooking, shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.. are not rewarding activities for many. Yet from the moment you are forced to run, you must apply.
Of course, some will say that doing the dishes, for example, does not require a total investment.

However, it is a matter of personal pride. Do not engage fully in what you do, it shows a character trait, negligence, frivolity, which can be harmful in the rest of your life. If you tend to overlook things that displease you, I pity you greatly. Indeed, life is made of such constraints, obligations “routine” – The tendency to neglect is dangerous, you risk neglecting more and more things.

Besides, going even further: the habit of doing more than what is expected of you. Thus, you differentiate yourself from others, you will project an image of someone reliable, conscientious, who can be counted. You will appear as a dynamic, courageous. It’s still more pleasant to be called conscientious rather than “jm’enfoutiste”!

Sometimes you can be discouraged by seeing that, despite your efforts, your investments, it does not adequately acknowledge your merits. Do not give up, you continue to struggle. It is for you as you work. The important thing is that you are proud of you, your work, your accomplishments, your actions. One day, inevitably, your merits are recognized.

Take the example of Princess Grace of Monaco, whose motto was “Everything that Kelly undertake they do well.” She has always given thorough in everything she undertook, she has always put his whole heart. She had this habit in his youth and has never departed.
Be careful, dynamic and you will see that this would affect your family. He admired you, you will trust. You, on your side, you’ll be proud of you and you find an esteem for you foolproof.

It is true that we can not love everything. However, it is also true that one is forced to do such a thing even if it displeases us completely.
Must be neglected, ill do those things you hate doing?
If you react this way, it simply means that you’re capable of doing something wrong, what I think is quite staggering, unthinkable.
I’m not saying you need to know everything to perfection but simply does not apply to them is staggering.

Know that whenever you have something to do, you must put your whole heart, all your guts, all your love. Indeed, every little thing, any activity needs to be done well, be careful.
Sweeping, ironing, cooking, shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.. are not rewarding activities for many. Yet from the moment you are forced to run, you must apply.
Of course, some will say that doing the dishes, for example, does not require a total investment.

However, it is a matter of personal pride. Do not engage fully in what you do, it shows a character trait, negligence, frivolity, which can be harmful in the rest of your life. If you tend to overlook things that displease you, I pity you greatly. Indeed, life is made of such constraints, obligations “routine” – The tendency to neglect is dangerous, you risk neglecting more and more things.

Besides, going even further: the habit of doing more than what is expected of you. Thus, you differentiate yourself from others, you will project an image of someone reliable, conscientious, who can be counted. You will appear as a dynamic, courageous. It’s still more pleasant to be called conscientious rather than “jm’enfoutiste”!

Sometimes you can be discouraged by seeing that, despite your efforts, your investments, it does not adequately acknowledge your merits. Do not give up, you continue to struggle. It is for you as you work. The important thing is that you are proud of you, your work, your accomplishments, your actions. One day, inevitably, your merits are recognized.

Take the example of Princess Grace of Monaco, whose motto was “Everything that Kelly undertake they do well.” She has always given thorough in everything she undertook, she has always put his whole heart. She had this habit in his youth and has never departed.
Be careful, dynamic and you will see that this would affect your family. He admired you, you will trust. You, on your side, you’ll be proud of you and you find an esteem for you foolproof.

It is true that we can not love everything. However, it is also true that one is forced to do such a thing even if it displeases us completely.
Must be neglected, ill do those things you hate doing?
If you react this way, it simply means that you’re capable of doing something wrong, what I think is quite staggering, unthinkable.
I’m not saying you need to know everything to perfection but simply does not apply to them is staggering.

Know that whenever you have something to do, you must put your whole heart, all your guts, all your love. Indeed, every little thing, any activity needs to be done well, be careful.
Sweeping, ironing, cooking, shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.. are not rewarding activities for many. Yet from the moment you are forced to run, you must apply.
Of course, some will say that doing the dishes, for example, does not require a total investment.

However, it is a matter of personal pride. Do not engage fully in what you do, it shows a character trait, negligence, frivolity, which can be harmful in the rest of your life. If you tend to overlook things that displease you, I pity you greatly. Indeed, life is made of such constraints, obligations “routine” – The tendency to neglect is dangerous, you risk neglecting more and more things.

Besides, going even further: the habit of doing more than what is expected of you. Thus, you differentiate yourself from others, you will project an image of someone reliable, conscientious, who can be counted. You will appear as a dynamic, courageous. It’s still more pleasant to be called conscientious rather than “jm’enfoutiste”!

Sometimes you can be discouraged by seeing that, despite your efforts, your investments, it does not adequately acknowledge your merits. Do not give up, you continue to struggle. It is for you as you work. The important thing is that you are proud of you, your work, your accomplishments, your actions. One day, inevitably, your merits are recognized.

Take the example of Princess Grace of Monaco, whose motto was “Everything that Kelly undertake they do well.” She has always given thorough in everything she undertook, she has always put his whole heart. She had this habit in his youth and has never departed.
Be careful, dynamic and you will see that this would affect your family. He admired you, you will trust. You, on your side, you’ll be proud of you and you find an esteem for you foolproof.

It is true that we can not love everything. However, it is also true that one is forced to do such a thing even if it displeases us completely.
Must be neglected, ill do those things you hate doing?
If you react this way, it simply means that you’re capable of doing something wrong, what I think is quite staggering, unthinkable.
I’m not saying you need to know everything to perfection but simply does not apply to them is staggering.

Know that whenever you have something to do, you must put your whole heart, all your guts, all your love. Indeed, every little thing, any activity needs to be done well, be careful.
Sweeping, ironing, cooking, shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.. are not rewarding activities for many. Yet from the moment you are forced to run, you must apply.
Of course, some will say that doing the dishes, for example, does not require a total investment.

However, it is a matter of personal pride. Do not engage fully in what you do, it shows a character trait, negligence, frivolity, which can be harmful in the rest of your life. If you tend to overlook things that displease you, I pity you greatly. Indeed, life is made of such constraints, obligations “routine” – The tendency to neglect is dangerous, you risk neglecting more and more things.

Besides, going even further: the habit of doing more than what is expected of you. Thus, you differentiate yourself from others, you will project an image of someone reliable, conscientious, who can be counted. You will appear as a dynamic, courageous. It’s still more pleasant to be called conscientious rather than “jm’enfoutiste”!

Sometimes you can be discouraged by seeing that, despite your efforts, your investments, it does not adequately acknowledge your merits. Do not give up, you continue to struggle. It is for you as you work. The important thing is that you are proud of you, your work, your accomplishments, your actions. One day, inevitably, your merits are recognized.

Take the example of Princess Grace of Monaco, whose motto was “Everything that Kelly undertake they do well.” She has always given thorough in everything she undertook, she has always put his whole heart. She had this habit in his youth and has never departed.
Be careful, dynamic and you will see that this would affect your family. He admired you, you will trust. You, on your side, you’ll be proud of you and you find an esteem for you foolproof.

No, wait.

I meant to say: I dreaded the process of MEETING people.

The circle of friends we had in Dubai were in many ways the closest thing we had to family. I miss them every day. Now we have to start all over again.

Making friends gets harder as you get older. You look for deeper qualities than an extensive wardrobe to pilfer borrow from, your boyfriends being best mates, a frothy sense of humour, or whether someone will talk to you. Admittedly, I am still drawn to people who talk to me; but these days I prefer a sense of humour that’s crisp and refreshingly dry. As for our partners being best friends? Well, all that indicates is both of us has dubious taste.

Not only is it harder; the process itself takes longer. Teenage friendships were so easy:-

“Polo mint?”

“Yeah thanks. My boyfriend is SUCH a jerk. You’re my best friend.”

“I know! I feel like I’ve known you forever, instead of, like, six minutes.”

“Seconds.”

Now, with benefit of hindsight and a dash of maturity, I know it takes years. The potential of a new relationship sparkles, but nothing surpasses the lustre of an enduring friendship.

Of course, the effort is worth it. It’s just . . . well . . . why can’t friends just spring into your life fully formed? How long does it take to learn the in-jokes, for goodness’ sake? If you trust me, I’ll trust you. There. Any freaky character traits you want to share? No, me neither.

Ok, I know, I know, I KNOW. *kicks sofa*

I was flattered by the number of people who assumed Husband and I would have no problem Making Friends, that there would be so many hopeful applicants we would have to hold auditions every Wednesday and beat them off with a stick.

The only thing we’ve been beating off is mosquitoes.

Much of this has to do with where we’ve chosen to live. We will move to South Island within two years, so there is not the same imperative to meet people. Socialising is complicated by a half hour drive to civilisation and Husband working evenings.

My first attempt at procuring a friend was an abject failure. At the Christopher Howard Seminar, I met John and Yvette. Many of the attendants I sincerely hoped I’d never come across again – especially if I were alone and unarmed – but John and Yvette were different.

For a start, John’s ‘cynic shield’ (as one woman described my attitude) rivalled mine. He refused to partake in the hyper high-fiving, so I high-fived Yvette across him and occasionally high-fived the upside of his head when he wasn’t getting the message.

Afterwards, Yvette asked for my phone number and we exchanged contact details.

“I have a FRIEND!” I crowed to Husband. “We’re meeting for lunch next week. She’s LOVELY. Do you have a lovely friend? No? I do. Bet you wish you had a friend. We’re meeting for lunch next week. She’s LOVELY. Do you have a etc.”

For the rest of the week, I seized upon every opportunity – and even made up a few – to remind Husband about MY FRIEND and how great she was and how I was really looking forward to lunch.

The day before lunch, Yvette called to say she couldn’t make it for a reason which, at the time, sounded entirely genuine (washing her cat).

“What’s up?” said Husband as I mooched around the living room moodily dodging advancing dust bunnies.

“My er, friend postponed lunch to next week.”

“Never mind, baby,” said Husband soothingly. “She’s probably just busy.”

During the week, my self-confidence returned and I promoted Yvette from Erfriend back to My Friend. I also stepped up the guerrilla tactics, sneaking up on Husband unawares and shouting: “My friend!” into his ear.

I’m sure you can see exactly where this is going.

Yes. She cancelled again (Christmas shopping).

“What a cow,” said Husband, instead of: “Where’s your buddy now, huh? Ha ha HA! Niamhie No Mates! Niamhie No Mates!”

The compassion is all part of his long-term devious scheme to drive me over the edge.

“Maybe you should advertise for a friend on Trademe,” he suggested.

“What? Like: ‘Friend: low reserve, very loyal, never returns books, no funny stuff?’”

In the end, we didn’t have to. Last time we were in South Island, we learned that Husband’s college mate’s brother lives just down the road from us (that being about 8km).

The first time we met MarkJ, we went around to his place. We wondered whether we had got the right house – the entire place was dark – but rang the doorbell anyway. There was a bang, followed by a mechanical hum; then the garage door groaned up and it was like that scene in ET – you know where the aliens stop by to pick up ET and you wonder what’s going to come out of the spacecraft?

When the garage door opened fully it was still pitch black, and I don’t know about Husband but I was holding my breath. Then the light blared on and there was MarkJ perfectly framed in the doorway.

It was possibly the most dramatic greeting I’ve ever experienced. Subsequent meetings can only suffer in comparison, but each has been full of chat, frequently entertaining, and often freaky. MarkJ is a multi-talented, all-purpose friend: he can conduct simultaneous conversations with Husband about cars while discoursing the nature of solitude with me. We will see much more of him.

Some time ago, our Dubai-based buddy JohnM sent an email to me and Shelley, a friend of Sylvia’s living in Devonport on the North Shore. It said:-

Niamh, meet Shelley.

Shelley, meet Niamh.

‘Do Lunch’

So we did. Husband got bored around the two hour point and went to – ok, I’m not sure where because I didn’t notice him leave – but Shelley and I talked for another hour and a half and could have kept going.

Last weekend, we met her husband Greg who is almost as nice (Shelley’s Irish. It’s an unfair advantage, I know), and daughter Victoria. They are an awesome family.

And finally, can we claim John and Haze as new friends? John is less grumpy having left Dubai, and Haze less dusty, so it’s almost like they’re different people.

No?

How do you research someone who doesn’t exist? With fiction characters, a lot of times you first decide what your story is about and who needs to be in it, then you start hunting. A lot of the work is really character “construction.” You have to build the characters and give them a life to know what facts you need. Some research might go on as you craft the character, but for me a lot of it came after I had some idea who the people were.

For starters, I had to decide just what kind of characters this story needed – superficial or deep. If this was a plot-driven adventure story, the main change and action would take place outside of the characters. That means the characters, even the main ones, remain the same from beginning to end. So they just need their framework – looks, personality, talents, some backstory. It’s the adventure, the plot action, that changes.

Under the Pier is a character-driven novel. The real energy, drive and purpose of the story take place inside the characters. They will grow or regress, change for the better or worse, due to their personality and circumstances. It’s not about the story actions or problems, but how they REACT to those story problems. So this meant my characters had to have depth, history, psychology, family, emotional wounds, unanswered questions.

Before I could research anything, I had to pin down some concrete things about each character. As much as I hated to have to start picking traits and family backgrounds because to choose things is to exclude others, it’s the only way to have a true-to-life character. Nobody in life can have blonde, red and brown hair (unless they dye it that way), three different colored eyes, be both young and old, and do EVERYTHING you ever dreamed of doing. Neither can your characters. So for both sides of the story, animal and human, I had to create a character, build their life, and then relate their life to others in the story. Robert Frost said “way leads on to way.” In writing, character leads on to character.

For the human side I wanted more than just birth date, physical description, or the meaning of their names – yes, I selected names that matched some aspect of their personality, but I also wanted sections for things like: strengths, weaknesses, goals, fears, driving needs. I took a lot of the information from my extensive journaling and wrote up personality profiles that gave each person a life story – traumas and triumphs, parentage or lack thereof, marital status, family dynamics, issues, problems, glaring flaws.

And by the way, for well-rounded, true-to-life characters, it’s important that the heroes be jerks about some things, and the villains be saints about others. NOBODY in real life is all good or bad. If you do that with your characters what you end up with is a stereotype or a caricature. At the very least, what you end up with is dull and boring. I read somewhere that when police interrogate suspects and witnesses, they expect some discrepancies between the various versions. That’s normal human nature. Everybody sees different things. When the stories match up too perfectly, the officers suspect the story being told isn’t real. The same is true with characterization. For example, General George S. Patton, Jr.’s grandson shared this observation about the man:

“My grandfather once commented that in his view a gentlemen should be able to curse for three minutes, non-stop, without repeating himself.”

At first glance one would never figure a gentleman would use such language, but flesh and blood human beings are full of inconsistencies. So create a character that “overall” is true to his nature, but do sprinkle in some unexpected traits. It makes for more real, interesting characters, and adds to the story action possibilities.

In any event, when writing my characters’ biographies, I started with the simple date of birth and description, then went on from there. For Rosa, the old woman who runs the diner in the human side of the story, the physical description went something like this:

She is relatively thin and wiry, but solid-boned, strong from years of physical work, with short whitish hair that used to be black. She’s about 105 pounds, in good condition overall from walking up and down stairs to her apartment behind the diner. Some arthritis and she is slowing down, but still is healthy and strong enough for being almost 80. She does have high blood pressure and sometimes forgets her meds.

That gave me enough of a picture in my mind – one of those strong old women who worked hard all their life, like many old women I grew up around in my very ethnic hometown. The thing about pinning down part of a person, though, is that it provides the bridge to the next piece of their puzzle. For example, just talking about her life of hard work suggests a need to explore areas like her background, level in society, personality, and attitudes toward life.

The beginnings of personality start to show in the additional information I put down:

She was born on October 29, 1929. If you know any history – this was Black Tuesday – the crash of the stock market and the beginning of The Great Depression. Unless she was born rich and lucky, which she wasn’t, this tells you how her life was going to go. To continue with my description, I decided her parents were immigrants from Italy, arriving just a year before her birth. Her mom died giving birth to her, something not uncommon for the time. Her father wasn’t around much, either looking for work, drunk or simply gone for long periods. She was shifted from family member to family member, often not a happy situation. She had to work from a young age and got out of her aunt’s house as soon as she could. She started working in a place called the Midway Diner, run by this handsome young guy named Frank Santelli, his grandmother, and his maternal uncle, Angelo Campelli. Uncle Angelo started the diner in the late 1890s with a horse-drawn cart and built it up from there. She fell in love with the diner and Frank, almost immediately. She married Frank by 18, revered Frank’s grandmother who took Rosa under her wing, and spent the rest of her life preserving the legacy of that diner, even after Frank’s death. She had 4 children – a daughter who died as an infant, and 3 sons, all still alive.

Okay. Right in this section, by picking the particulars of Rosa’s background, I’ve set up not only the rest of her life, but set up the bridges to the stories of her husband, his grandmother, his uncle, the diner’s history, her children, and raised questions like, why did she revere Frank’s grandmother, where was Frank’s mother and father, and what happened to Rosa’s infant daughter? Just by picking certain details, you create the thread to more questions, more characters, more life situations, conflicts, and relationships. You create….a real person with a real life. MOST importantly I’ve set up the question in the reader’s mind.. Why is all of this important with regards to Rosa’s relationship with Max, the story’s 12-year-old female protagonist? That’s the ultimate thing to remember. Not everything the biography will be part of the story, but if you make it part of the story, it better have a real good reason for being there, ie, how does it relate to the protagonist and the story’s main question?

Now. Research on Rosa. Well for one thing, I looked for anything I could find to “validate” her personality traits so a reader wouldn’t think I was overdoing things. I spotted an article in a Rhode Island newspaper about a woman in her 80s who would go out after snowstorms and not only shovel her driveway and sidewalk but those of her neighbors as well. She shrugged off the effort as “exercise” and viewed it matter-of-factly. She was home, her neighbors had to go to work, so she just took her time and shoveled everybody’s sidewalks. So, Rosa rings true to life. (If you want more of a feel for her, click here for the January 24th, 2008 post where I included a bit from the book describing Rosa)

Other people in the story. I know a bit about diners growing up in New England, and what the people were like who worked in them and ran them. I grew up in an ethnic town full of those early 1900s immigrants from Poland, Italy, Slovakia, Ireland etc. and knew the rules of the culture: hard work, no wimping out, not very much money, family and church were everything. Those people survived the Depression and World War II by helping each other even as they fought with each other and drove each other crazy. They didn’t mince words, but put it right on the table, usually in colorful language. For holes in my knowledge base, I researched books on diners, history, New England, did Google searches, and talked to people.

For example, Rosa’s son Vince, her eldest son, a war hero from Vietnam who is kind of a mystery character with a shrouded past, finally returns home after many years away. He works nights at the diner making doughnuts. I interviewed a number of people who worked in bakeries at night making doughnuts, so I’d get my details right.

For other characters in the book, I did the same thing – wrote the physical characteristics, figured out ages, started linking them to other characters in the book, and creating a “web” of relationships and lives. The more you added to the people and the web, the more possibilities for story action and conflict.

For example, the human protagonist, Max, lives with her grandmother, who also works at the diner. Max’s grandmother is dating Vince. For a number of reasons this both disgusts and scares Max. And Max views Vince’s shrouded past with tremendous fear and suspicion.

Just setting up that scenario, suggests questions like: “Why is Max living with her grandmother? How long has this gone on? What happened to her parents? What IS the deal with Vince’s shrouded past? Why does Max fear him and fear his dating her grandmother?

Then throw in a quirk. Here is Vince, a mysterious character Max fears, and a still strong and burly man. I gave him a small poodle as a pet. Not exactly what you would expect is it? And then there’s that pendant he has around his neck that he never takes off. Just what happened all those years he was away?

If I ran into problems or a block, I “talked to the characters.” You interview them, start a conversation, ask them a question about school, politics, the person they hate the most and why, anything. But having a conversation with a character is like talking to someone at work. The more they talk, the more you learn who they are. Most writing blocks come from either not knowing who your characters are and hence how they would react, or not knowing where the story is going. So…interview and journal, then go back to writing the biography.

The minute you put down one trait on a character then add a second, you set up a chain reaction that leads to more questions, decisions, more characters, more background, more dark secrets in closets, whatever. By the time I was through, I had two binders of character biographies. Some of the characters are background ones. For example, Rosa runs a ladies’ poker game in the corner booth of her diner – her booth – every Friday night. ALL the area ladies who run businesses along Main Street play, and even Sister Rita Luke from Our Lady of the Seas up the street shows up to win money for her outreach programs. Father Steve is the “chaplain” As one of the old ladies in the group puts it: “First we pray, then we play.” So I needed some cursory description of who the ladies were and what stores they ran.

Once you’ve got the real people, the research part is easy. For medical problems I did Google searches, hunted through medical textbooks, talked to an ER physician, and even pulled details from the book, The Perfect Storm. For a legal issue involving Max, I talked to a lawyer. For emotional problems, again, there was Google, psychology books, and a psychologist. I researched Catholic history, and ethnic superstitions, both very big themes in that culture. I researched the fishing industry and what kinds of research post-doctoral students were doing in Rhode Island for either universities, the military or the environment. And yes, I got books on the meanings of names, so I could accurately name my characters, not just pick something out of a hat. In the course of the research, I looked for interesting tidbits or colorful facts that I could incorporate to give my characters the “authority” of that life.

Finally, I looked for things to use as character tags. Character tags allow us to quickly identify the character, tell us something about their deeper personality, and raise more questions for the reader to answer. Vince walks a poodle and wears a mysterious pendant. Rosa has her certain superstitions, Max walks around in the middle of the summer wearing a paint-stained oversized flannel shirt. Almost immediately, we associate certain things with certain people, then begin our quest to find out “why?”

Up Next: Under the Pier: Research – Animal Character R&D