…and I usually get what I want! Call me spoiled, call me a charmer, call me oportunistic, I don’t care. I am now big enough to grab what is there. I do not like being denied!

…and usually what you are trying to keep from me, the object of my desires…is mine anyway

Life Lesson: Be creative, the same old hiding places become too easy after awhile.

There’s a lucid air of confidence surrounding F-Jay as he walks through his University’s production studios. The young man from Deptford wears this confidence well – like a Reservoir Dog sporting a chic black suit in the L.A. morning sunshine.

The chic swagger translates into his music with a rhythmic ease. F-Jay deals in relentlessly rapid vocals, levelled out by chilled-out back beats that evoke happy memories of early 90’s hip-hop. When he pauses for breath after the marathon of glib lyrics he buzzes, there’s none of the sharp synthesised sounds which can be found in most other modern R ‘n’ B acts’ songs. Instead, there’s just a refreshing lean back and exhale moment, before F-Jay resumes and pulps back into his tongue-in-cheek bars.

Jason Ukaegbu, as F-Jay is known to his nearest and dearest, began his journey into music on the school playground, aged 12. Surrounded by amateur mc’s and rappers he didn’t take long to start writing and spitting his own lyrics. At this stage it was the Grime and Garage scenes which inspired and perspired within the young Jason’s playground lines. A few rap groups later, one of which bore the moniker ‘Vocal Siblinz’, and F-Jay was ready to move on to creating music professionally.

A key inspiration for the music which F-jay is currently producing is Jay-Z. Although F-Jay missed out on the mega-rapper as a kid, he says that listening to Jay-Z retrospectively has still had a profound effect on both his lyrics and the music which he asks his producers – Charmer & Sigala – to dream up. “He’s a big figure – I’m just mesmerised by how he did things.”

There’s more to F-Jay than supreme vocal technique however. As a person, he’s no fool and uses the music that he creates to communicate deeply constructed messages. He despairs at current music culture and its focus on the circus which surrounds the tunes that artists create. “We’ve lost the word music.” he explains, “We concentrate on everything around the music. The Youtube views, the fan-base, the look. All I care about is the music and it’s a shame many people have lost that.”

And this brings us down to the crux of F-Jay and his intriguing music project. He offers complex narratives delivered with a catch-all simplicity to form a unique and modern style. A style which is summed up best in his very own words – “Live Before You Die”. LBYD has become a recurrent mantra for F-Jay, so much so that he’s began to print it out on T-shirts to spread the message which has served him so well.

It is the Live Before You Die attitude which has propelled F-Jay to where he is today and it will continue to spur him on to create even more Hip-Hop that mixes swaggering confidence and chilled, intelligent lyrical skills.

This article was originally published on Turn On Tune In

In my review for Whisperin’ & Hollerin’ (which you can read here) I wrote : “I get the impression that if you invited her to your home, you’d soon find her looking for what you’ve swept under the carpet and searching for skeletons in the closet”. 

Perhaps this same thought occurred to the writers of Portlandia since they cast her in the role of a cleaning lady in this sketch:

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There’s a hole in my heart and I’ll carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There’s this longing lonesome ending kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There’s a hole in my heart in the shape of you

Labrador (2012)

Voices Carry (1985)

Boy, how she’s changed.  I much prefer newer Aimee Mann to ’80s Aimee Mann.  Her new album, Charmer, just came out this week… and she heads out on tour next week (click here for dates & the “Charmer” music video).  I’ll be at the Portland, Oregon, date on October 2nd.

~Dan – np: Aimee Mann – Charmer

Entitled “Labrador,” the clip has attracted already some mainstream attention with a notable cameo from Jon Hamm and an ironclad high concept of remaking Mann’s “Voices Carry” video shot for shot.

(And no … Hamm does not play the role of the infamous, d-bag boy-friend that ’80s MTV fans came to know so well and hate so much.)

Here’s “Labrador” …

And to stoke the memories of my fellow post-Baby Boomers out there, here’s the original “Voices Carry” video starring Mann when she was the lead singer/songwriter of ‘Til Tuesday.

#1 Movie/TV Series: Supernatural: The Complete Seventh Season

Title: Supernatural: The Complete Seventh Season
Starring: Jared Padalecki & Jensen Ackles
Release date: September 18, 2012
Available formats: DVD & Blu-ray

Also released were:

• The Cabin in the Woods
• Indiana Jones: The Complete Adventures (on Blu-ray)

#1 Book: Winter of the World: Book Two of the Century trilogy by Ken Follett

Title: Winter of the World: Book Two of the Century Trilogy
Author: Ken Follett
Release date: September 18, 2012
Available formats: Hardcover, eBook, Audiobook CD & Spanish Paperback

Also released were:

• Dubs Runs for President by Dick Morris, Eileen McGann, Clayton Liotta
• I Declare: 31 Promises to Speak Over Your Life by Joel Osteen

#1 Music: The Truth About Love by Pink

Title: The Truth About Love
Artist: Pink
Format: Compact Disc
Release date: September 18, 2012

Also released were:

• Battle Born by The Killers
• Charmer by Aimee Mann

From there we exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone several times throughout the week. Another refreshing thing about him… he told me he wasn’t a fan of texting and much preferred talking on the phone as it was easier to get a fluid conversation going. At that point I was thinking to myself, is this guy too good to be true? I really find it rare nowadays for a guy my age to be so willing to talk on the phone vs preferring to hide behind their technology. I told myself no silly, it’s rare but guys like that do exist and I should meet him and see how the dynamics are face to face.

By our third conversation, I felt my feelings already growing for him despite not even having met. At that point I knew I was ready to meet him face to face before my feelings grew any stronger, so we set a date to meet for dinner… which was for tonight.

Although I knew he didn’t like to text, I thought I would send him one yesterday to confirm our dinner plans for tonight. He asked if we could change the time from 4 to 6PM which I was fine with and at that point plans were set in stone and I was feeling pre-butterflies in my stomach. I knew not to get my hopes up too high but I just had a good feeling and wished the time sped faster to head to the restaurant.

As today I had a day off from classes, I decided to primp myself for the evening. As I was in the middle of painting my nails, I heard my phone buzz and once my nails had dried with one hand I turned on my cell phone and his name appeared. I opened the message and he said:

I won’t be able to make it this evening. I’m so sorry about the short notice – something related to work that is really crucial got pushed up by a week. Again, please accept my apology for the last minute nature of this.

I read over the message several times and of course I was disappointed that he let me down several hours prior to meeting. I wrote back stating ‘that’s disappointing’ and left it at that. I thought he should feel bad and I didn’t want to let him off the hook for that. I felt he at least deserved to suggest another day that would work. The response I got back was even more shocking. He stated that he genuinely liked me but he felt to be honest, he wasn’t ready to date or be in a relationship. That it was too busy to balance seeing someone with school and work. I couldn’t believe he was telling me all of this after having led me along for a whole week. Despite the short time, we had talked so much and I felt he at least owed me one date. I simply wrote back saying:

Well… I’m grateful you told me ahead of time but you should get your act together before you lead a girl on next time.

No response.

What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

This is the album which sparked my hate of them. It’s also the album which sparked my love of them. It’s perhaps unsurprising, therefore, that I feel quite connected to this album. It’s made me react in ways that completely contradict each other. We’ve been through a lot together, Because of the Times and me!

As previously discussed, it was early morning drives to school with my Dad that introduced me to Because of the Times and the terrifyingly screamy Charmer. Caleb’s wails and screeches are really not what you want to hear when you’ve only just woken up, so it’s only natural that I started to despise Kings of Leon!

On a long car journey at some point, however, I decided I should give some of the other tracks on the album a go. The short drive to school meant I’d only really heard the very start of the album. It was on this day trip that I found myself getting drawn in by On Call. The wails and screeches that I despised Kings of Leon for were replaced in On Call by the smoother side of Caleb’s voice. Suddenly something clicked and I had that track on repeat for the rest of journey and the entire way back.

Since then I’ve listened to Because of the Times a lot. Songs like Knocked Up, about imminent fatherhood, My Party and The Runner often lead me to shout “YES! This is so good!” and yet I still have moments of despising parts of the album. I think you have to sort of settle into Caleb’s voice. Once I’ve had the album on repeat for a while I get pulled in, forgetting my initial reaction against the southern drawl and occassional screeches.

I’ve got to be honest, now I’ve listened to this album so many times, I do actually have some kind of affection for the previously-despised Charmer. Unless it’s early morning, of course. Or I have a headache. Or, you know, there’s some other perfectly understandable reason why I might not want some man to screech at me like nails down a blackboard amplified…

I don’t think I’m ever going to resolve this. Do I actually love Charmer? Do I despise it? I have no idea.

I can be violently critical or evangelically complimentary about this album. Either way, it certainly provokes a reaction and I really am quite attached!

Check out the Labrador video here with Jon Hamm.

I miss you. I miss being that happy. I miss my milewide smile all day.

Maybe you miss them too. Maybe someday we can go back to that.

“but now I join the queue of people dead to you”
–from song “Disappeared” off Charmer

 Dont you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?

And we were, weren’t we? Extremely happy.

And I’m loving this new Regina Spektor song.

There is a time and place
for one more sweet embrace
and there’s a time – ooh -
…
I guess you know by now
that we will meet again somehow-ow -ow -ow
oh baby how can I begin again?
how can I try to love someone new?
someone who isn’t you?
how can my love be true
when I’m not – ooh -
i”m not over you?
I guess you know by now
that we will meet again somehow
Time can come and take away the pain;
but I just want my memories to remain:
To hear your voice;
To see your face;

Don’t be ever afraid to tell me anything. To come back. I am here. I love you Charmer.

On another note, last year we found a spitting cobra in our garage… However I didn’t know it.  Being new to Jakarta I thought it was just a regular, harmless snake.  I started kicking the snake out of my garage with my bare feet!!  Then he turned around, expanded his hood and, again, I freaked out and ran inside like a little baby.

I wish you remember the love and not the pain. Our craziness. Our love indeed is heavy. Yep, until now it’s making me do nutty things I other wise wouldn’t do. But I’d do anything that I can for someone important to me. And you Charmer are the most important.

I don’t where you are. I don’t care whoever you are or whatever you are. A face is a face and a name is a name. I care about you, your heart and your soul.

I still love you. That never fades.

You are keeping away. That much I know. And for whatever reason, you choose me not to help. I hope I am the bringer of that peace of mind. But maybe I am not. Not that kind. Not yet. But I bring acceptance. And love! So much love. And I believe love and acceptance will result in peace of mind.

You have your own reasons which I still yet have to know. Tell me things so I may understand.

I am doing what I can do. I am waiting for you to come back to me. It is clearer to me now that this waiting may be pointless. That in the end, you won’t come back to me. And I accept that.

I love you Charmer. I will be your anchor when the waves of despair are tossing you about. I will be your home when you find you have none. I will be the land you can stand firmly upon and look for that peace of mind, contentment and happiness. I may not be able to give them to you but I can support you.

My only wish is that remember the love. Release the pain. Remember how stupid and wide our smiles were. How we’d have to talk to each other before sleeping. How we want to be with ech other every constant second. Remember the kilig and cornyness. Remember the happiness. How very, very, very happy we were.

Those were the lessons I learned. Remember the happiness and live with love. The pain and frustration I’m going through these days fade in the light of that great happiness.

You are the love of my life Charmer. My life.

I am here. Always here. You know where to find me.

I think it’s you then it’s not you again. Some facts say yes. But most are circumstancial. Then our conversations say otherwise. I reread them to discern little white lies and evasions. But my heart says there is raw honesty there.

Gutfeel mostly say yes. Heart says no, it’s not you. Hope confuses it. So I’m taking hope out of the picture for a while.

I hope you go and talk to me. I’m going nuts. Save me from myself. I’m making a fool of myself. I am. And I will make more a fool of myself. Just to know.

Don’t worry, I will never compromise you. I won’t put you down. My love just wants to know the truth. Nothing else.

I still love you, you know. A love so vast that it will include everything you love in it. Even if it hurts me. I will ask nothing of you. Only the truth. And don’t erase me from your life.

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I have made a fool of myself. After all my suspicions, I still don’t know what to think. If you come back to me, you will.

I will be here. As a friend. Always. Whatever you need me to be.

Remember that whatever you are facing, I will or I am facing too. We can help each other if you let it be.

Now, I am no longer hoping to be able to connect to you again. But know this, my heart is always yours. Foolish I know. But it’s the truth.

I don’t know how to reach you. I’ve done everything without compromising you. Despite what you may think, I will never try and put you to harm. I just wanted to know. Honest.

So I guess this is a some sort of goodbye. But I will still be here always. Use me when you need me. Yes, I guess I’m a doormat. That’s what you made of me. But a willing one. That loves you. And will do absolutely anything, ANYTHING for you.

I’m giving up with deciphering all your layers and little white lies. But I won’t give up loving you. Always. Always. I love you not for your looks, not for your name, but for yourself. You have revealed your soul to me and we have an awesome connection. Not even you can deny it.

Don’t. I guess I’m heartbroken. Because you don’t trust me enough. Because you denied me existence in your life.

I prayed for guidance. Again. For you. For me. For us. For everything. And what I discovered was acceptance. I can feel my heart mending. Yes, it’s still broken. But it’s on the mend.

You know what I found out Charmer? Even when my heart was in pieces, it was still yours. The shell broke and inside it, even it was just emptiness, still echo you.

I’m really finding things about myself. That after all the loving you can give, you find that you can still find more love.

I guess it’s not by chance that the characters I love are all defined by unrequited love. I’ll be rambling here Charmer, pretend to listen . Florentino Ariza in Love in the Time of Cholera, Franz in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and Henri in The Passion. All had a  great capacity to love.

I always tell you how much I love you. And now that it was tested, I got panicky. But I found composure. Again, I’m telling you, love for me is to love. And I am loving you. Still. Despite a breaking heart. Despite what others may construe as being stupid (I am, after all, an idiot in love). And my love wants the best intentions for you, your happiness. Yes, even if it means sacrificing myself and not being a part of your happiness. I love you.

I realize that now. Now, it’s not only words. I’ve proven it to myself. I love you despite of what everything I might think.

I’m bracing for the worst, the real worst, and I still love you. I’m just waiting for your confirmation (or clarification).

I still don’t know what to think. But I know how I feel. Love. And I will be guided by that. Better to love. Always. I love you Charmer.

I still need to talk to you though. Don’t avoid as much.

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I feel like I’m walking on thin ice.

I need to talk to you. So many things to clear.