Last week I saw a tweet about Kwercus, a secure social networking site for schools. I did a search to find out some more, but there wasn’t a whole lot out there. So I sent out a question on Twitter, hoping that someone who new a bit more would provide a link to more info, but no response.

As my tweets are displayed on my blogs, I’ve noticed over the weekend that others are interested in finding out about Kwercus as I’ve been receiving hits from others also searching for more info. So today I’ve done a little bit more work and this is what I’ve found.

There was an article on BBC Radio 1’s Newsbeat:

Kwercus will be a secure system, based on the internet, but managed by teachers.

The company behind it hopes the site will be used as a learning resource for pupils, parents, and staff, as well as somewhere for young people to have fun.

Kwercus is due to launch in 2010.

The company behind the software is imJack PLC and they are working with the child psychologist, Professor Tanya Byron who is acting as an advisor. I’ve found the web site relating to Kwercus, though there doesn’t seem to be all that much information available on there at the moment.

But there is a video on Vimeo that went up three days ago from the time I’m writing this. It’s an hour long panel session that includes Prof Tanya Byron and also a student. There is some interesting discussion about the current use of social networking amongst children, who are below the minimum age required for registration under their terms and conditions. Also, how children are using these networks, and why. In addition, there is some talk about the benefits of using social networking with children within schools. There is also some talk about online bullying, and how this needs to be address, along with development of digital lieracy.

There are a few images around about what the environment looks like:

This is a rather unusual article to link here on gmzzz, but please bear with me.

I don’t really stomach most of the books, articles or papers that theorize game design, mainly because they come across as pretentious attempts to make our “craft” look more artsy, just for the sake of it. But there are some books on the subject that are genuinely interesting, like A Theory of Fun for Game Design by Raph Koster. Part of this book’s success is the fact that it’s main focus is not on game design, but rather on the psychology behind learning and playing (in it’s larger sense), with gaming as a natural medium where you can evolve some of these theories.

There’s something similar about this article I’m linking here. It’s not about games. It focuses on the way parents talk to their kids, and reaches some interesting conclusions about how misplaced praises can affect a kid’s self esteem and openness to effort. It’s a pretty eye opening read but, again, not about games.

So where’s the link?

First of all, here is the same logic (as the one behind the article) applied to RPGs – Awesome By Proxy: Addicted to Fake Achievement. Go have a read (and while you’re at it, check out the other articles as well, as they are all pretty interesting). The conclusion is pretty grim: some game mechanics work just like those misplaced praises, which in turn have a negative effect on us, the players.

Second: Facebook. I’ve been trying many of the games that the uber social network has to offer and I’m more than pissed off about the cheap (but oh so effective) game mechanics that they all use. Don’t get me wrong, these are some of the most basic, beautiful, clean and effective game mechanics but they are used to promote games that are devoid of content and purpose. The only gain that come out of them are the huge financial gains for the developers. Again, I’m happy for those guys but (especially in light of the previous 2 articles) I think we should start thinking about the implications of the games we’re developing. Implications that go way beyond paychecks and popularity.

Ok. Rant mode off. Enjoy the articles!

I was out for a walk this morning and decided to go through the city’s wealthiest neighbourhood. I saw a very sad sight. There were two police cars there and a third was arriving on the scene. A well dressed woman was standing at the end of the driveway but there didn’t appear to have been a traffic accident or anything. And then I noticed something else. The police had a young boy – maybe 16 or 17 – handcuffed with his hands behind his back.

I will never forget the look on that kid’s face. It wasn’t fear, it was pain. His face looked like tragedy of the comedy/tragedy masks. He was trying very hard not to cry.

I wanted to go over but with now six policemen there I didn’t think there was any point.

The kid looked so incredulous and in so much pain that I wondered if the woman was his mother and she was throwing him out of the house. He was also well dressed and there was that look of disbelief. I moved along because I didn’t want to appear to be a voyeur but I thought about it a lot as I walked back home. My son’s adoptive parents threw him out of the house when he was about that age. In fact, he was still in that state when I found him. That’s probably why this scene had such an impact on me.

It also made me think of something else that happened this week. I was at an award ceremony and one of the writers who was receiving an award made it clear in his acceptance speech that he was a success in spite of, not because of, his father. Now this guy was getting an award for his body of work so he was no kid. Perhaps in his early or mid-fifties. And yet he still felt compelled to give the finger to the old man in a mighty public way. The wounds of childhood and adolescence run deep.

How important it is to tell our children that we believe in them.

I’ll be thinking about him for a while – that boy in the handcuffs at the end of a laneway in one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods.

I hope he is OK.

Peace

UM

Is religious education a form of brainwashing? Should children be free to make their own decisions about fundamental matters of faith? These questions are provoked by the new poster sponsored by the British Humanist Association. [See it here.] Two gloriously happy children hold their hands in the air as if they are about to do a cartwheel. The main text reads: “Please don’t label me. Let me grow up and choose for myself.” And floating in the background are the various labels under attack: “Buddhist child. Agnostic child. Protestant child. Humanist child. Catholic child. Atheist child…”

Religious education in Candelaria

First: The exercise of freedom requires some prior foundation. Children have to learn how to make choices: how to weigh things up, how to judge what is best, how to take responsibility. Any child psychologist knows this. Freedom doesn’t just happen. And an essential part of learning to choose is having some sense of the meaning of the world we inhabit, of the value of our actions, and of the significance of their consequences. In other words, freedom can’t be learnt outside a context of meaning and values.

Religious faith can help establish this context; so can a robust humanism. But to think that freedom can be learnt in a vacuum, without the sharing of any moral or philosophical convictions, is simply naïve. Children who are brought up without inherited values of any kind are actually less able to exercise their freedom and choose for themselves. Just as children who are brought up without boundaries will never be able to learn the significance of crossing them.

Second: If you believe something important to be true, then you shouldn’t pretend it is an open question. This goes for secular humanists as much as for religious believers. If, for example, you are a convinced atheist, and you think that belief in God is false at an intellectual level and damaging through its distorting effects on morality, then of course you would want to share this conviction with your children. It would be unjust to keep it from them. Similarly, if you believe in God, and you believe that this faith is not just a lifestyle choice or a cultural imperative but an objective truth with profound implications for human existence, how could you not share this conviction with your children? Yes, you want to nurture their freedom and you hope they will discover things for themselves. But if it is a question of truth – whether scientific or moral or spiritual – then you will inevitably want to guide your children along a certain path, knowing full well that they may one day choose to veer off in another direction.

Third: It’s a fantasy to imagine that children can be raised in a philosophically neutral environment without some dominant world-view. Theism – as much as atheism, materialism, or secular humanism (these terms are not synonymous) – provides a particular understanding of the meaning of the world and of human life, which will help structure a child’s understanding and values. But if you try to bring your children up in an environment which is indifferent to questions of ultimate meaning, then your purported neutrality will already have been lost. If, in effect, you say to your children, “I don’t care enough about these values or convictions to share them with you”, or “they are important to me but not important in themselves”, then you are presenting them with a very particular world-view. In this view, religious questions and all questions of ultimate meaning are relativised, and indifference is taken to be the predominant value.

To say to a child, “I don’t mind – you choose!” is to give the child the strongest possible impression that the available options are all equally significant, which is to say that none is uniquely significant. So this apparently ‘soft’ form of neutrality suggested in the poster is actually a ‘hard’ form of relativism which relegates religious and philosophical questions to the periphery of human interest.

Fourth: A strong notion of autonomy, which is essential to an individual’s freedom, requires an appreciation of one’s human dignity. Children need to know not just that they are loved but that their life has meaning and is valuable in itself. If this is not communicated in some way, then the love of the parents, however profound, will become distorted, because the children will see themselves as valuable to their parents but not valuable as persons in their own right. It doesn’t matter how this innate value is framed (‘human dignity’, ‘the sanctity of life’, etc.) as long as it is articulated somehow.

Human autonomy, rightly cherished by secular humanists, needs some notion of intrinsic human dignity to support it – otherwise it has no foundation and no meaning. So, paradoxically, in order to liberate children from the limited vision of their parents and culture, you have to imbue them with a strong sense of their own worth, of their dignity, of their significance in a framework of meaning. The humanism of the early Enlightenment held on to a strong notion of human dignity and human uniqueness, even as it became more secular. But as secular humanists have become more and more materialist in their outlook, and as materialism has failed to offer any satisfying accounts of human dignity, it has become almost impossible to avoid describing human nature in reductivist terms.

Contemporary secular humanists are largely unable to explain to children why their freedom and autonomy have any significance, why their life has any meaning – and this is why the exaltation of freedom proposed in this poster feels a bit hollow. If you really want your children to be free, you need to tell them why their freedom matters, and help them appreciate some of the values they might pursue. And to do that, you need to use at least a few labels

For many years now, I’ve been a huge fan of Franklin Graham’s Operation Christmas Child project.   To see the look of ecstasy on the faces of the children in the promotional videos is to really know the joy that comes with giving even something small.

To critique the program would be unthinkable.   It would be like criticizing motherhood or apple pie or little kittens.   But I have some concerns about this that I haven’t seen heretofore in print or online.   So I thought I’d wade out deep into dangerous waters:

1. A lot of people fill their shoeboxes with trinkets from the dollar store.   When these items break — which they will — how will third world children deal with the disappointment that Western kids are accustomed to?   Especially if they don’t own much else.
2. Which begs the question, how are such items disposed of — sooner or later — in countries that don’t have an active recycling program?   What happens to all those boxes?   As barren and arid as some of those places are,  dotting the landscape with red and green boxes seems a bit irresponsible.   Maybe they can use the boxes for something.
3. What’s the mileage on some of the trinkets and toys?    Check out the country of origin, factor in the purchase point in the U.S. as an example, and then plot the destination point.   We’re talking major carbon footprints.   And not the Margaret Fishback Powers kind of footprints.
4. What about the inequities of what the kids receive?   One kid gets a cuddly Gund-type plush animal, while another gets socks.   I would be the kid getting the toothpaste and cheap sunglasses, while my friend would get some kind of awesome musical instrument toy.   Socks don’t make noise.  I would learn jealousy and covetousness all in a single day.
   
5. Which begs the question, is there ever theft?   World wars have started over lesser things.    Do kids in faraway places take the inequities into their own hands?    Do they revere the licensed pencil case more than the one with geometric shapes and colors?   Is there trading?   If so, who sets the rules?
   
6. Maybe not.   Maybe they share better than kids in the West do.   But somewhere along the line, it’s got to create a situation of personal private property.    I live on a street with ten houses where everybody owns a lawnmower.   We all could probably get by with one or two.   What I really need is access to a lawnmower.   But human nature being what it is, it rarely works that way unless you’re Shane Claiborne, or you live on an Operation Mobilization ship, or you’re one of the aging hippies living in the Jesus People project in inner-city Chicago.   (Apologies to Glenn Kaiser.)
   
7. What about expectations?   If my kids don’t get what they’re hoping for there is always a great disappointment, and trust me, this year they aren’t getting what they’re hoping for.   Reminds of me that old song, “Is That All There Is?”   Some people get downright depressed after Christmas.   BTW, anyone remember who the artist was on that song?
   
8. What’s the follow-up for the giver?   None.   Unlike sponsored children — which is another discussion entirely — the gift is really a shot in the dark, unless in next year’s video you happen to see a kid opening a box containing a rather unique action figure and a pair of furry dice which you know could only have come from your attic storage the year before.   (But furry dice?  What were you thinking?   The kid’s expression is going to be somewhat quizzical…)
   

Okay, so maybe the good outweighs any potential downside.   But it’s philosophy that I majored in, so somebody’s got to view things from outside the box — the shoebox in this case — once in awhile.    That’s why I call it thinking out loud.

Q. My 3 3/4 yr. old daughter is very bright, extremely articulate, and notices everything. She gets plenty of exercise, eats fresh food, little sugar and little red meat. The challenging area is bedtime. She appears very tired around 6pm, and we start the bedtime routine about 6:30 with either a bath or a wash and teeth. Then I sit with her alone, do stories, a little play and a cuddle, look at the pictures we drew together showing her the bedtime progression. I leave a side light on, sing a lullaby then leave the room with the instruction that she is to lie or play quietly. I go back in at frequent intervals. However shortly after I leave she will get up, shout, come out of her room, disturb the other children, switch her bright lights on…. She gets in this hyped up state jumping in and out of bed, switching her ceiling lights on, clattering round emptying Lego pieces on the floor, and opening and closing the door to check out what is going on. This can go on till 9:30 or 10, and I am about ready to strangle her! We have tried stickers and incentives for the morning. Tried turning off her side light if she comes out of the room or ignoring her but she shouts louder or comes 3 flights down stairs. I think she really is genuinely tired but she can’t switch off and plays a game of getting our attention. Any suggestions or ideas most welcome.

A. You have a very strong minded girl who doesn’t want to be apart from you to go to sleep. Especially 3 floors away. No matter how tired she is, the quest to stay with you will trump tiredness any time. She can’t switch off if she is stressed by being alone. Most 3 and 4 year olds are afraid and lonely being left at bedtime. She will do anything to get you to come to her even if it results in negative attention. At least you are there. Nothing comforting can compare to the wonderful, cozy time she has reading and cuddling with you. Being such an aware child, her imagination is strong and may cause her to feel afraid when she is alone, even if she doesn’t look it. I wonder if fear could cause her hyped up activities. Even though she seems tired at 6:00, try stalling her bedtime until perhaps 7:00 or 7:30. (Or try earlier if she is really tired at 6:00). Can you plan bouncing and jumping time before the bedtime routine? Sounds like she needs to expel all that excess energy. Experiment with ways to get that energy out and then ways to calm her-perhaps massage or soft soothing music after you leave the room. Then I suggest staying nearby until she falls asleep. Assure her you will stay close until she is asleep. Make a deal with her. Check in on her regularly as long as she is in her bed, but not if she is up playing. And remember that our expectations of children sleeping on their own are unrealistic and counter to natural instincts. We are programmed to sleep against another body and most other cultures do that. She is merely telling you that what you want her to do is not right for her!

borrowed from www.bonnieharris.com

How would you describe your family dynamics?  Critical, achievement-oriented, efficient?  Warm, secure, caring, stimulating?

Which would you prefer?  Which would you strive towards?

The latter, most likely.  We all thrive in warm and caring environment — children, especially.

So, how do we get there?

• Meet Needs—Give attention, security, a sense of belonging, touch, affection, and stimulation.
• Know Your Child—Play!  Be a good listener.  Spend deep, quality time.  Enjoy your child(ren).
• Believe in Your Child—By doing so, parents provide opportunity and courage for her to fulfill your new, positive expectations.
• Allow Independence—Teach your child to think and take personal responsibility.
• Remain Calm and Detached—Empty ourselves of anger, resentment, fear, and guilt.

Here are concepts in action:

Child:    I got a bad evaluation from the teacher today.  If she was any good, I’d ace this class! (Negative invitation)

Parent: So she’s good at preventing her students from learning?

Child:    Well, she doesn’t help me learn!

Parent: So what would help you learn and do well in her class?  (Positive invitation/Problem-solve)

Child:    I don’t know, maybe a tutor.  (Response)

Parent: We could find a tutor for that class, but what about missed assignments?

Child:    Yeah, I’ve missed some.  I’ll finish them.

As always, thanks Dr. Reynolds! 

My wife recently made an observation of a common trend among adults when dealing with children – the use of a “white lie” to manipulate a child’s behaviour. For example, an adult wants to discourage a child from eating the unhealthy chocolate biscuit and encourage them to choose the healthy wholemeal biscuit instead. So the adult says, as the child reaches for the chocolate biscuit, “Oooh, that biscuit is yucky! You don’t want to eat that! Here, try one of these – these are my favourites.”

It all seems like a good idea when the child turns and takes the healthy biscuit, looking pleased at the good advice they believe they have been given.

But what happens in the long-run?

The following week, chocolate biscuits are the only option, and the child eats one. The child is stunned to discover that this biscuit is even more delicious than the wholemeal biscuit. Well I never! They know not to trust that adult’s taste in food ever again.

If we tell our children there is a jolly fat man who comes down the chimney and brings good children presents once a year, and then reinforce this lie when they come home in tears because an older child told them there’s no such thing as Santa, what do we expect when they are older?

When an adolescent who has had it drummed into them that smoking/alcohol/drugs are bad for you is offered a joint after school and is told, by the older kid who (rightly) told them that Santa wasn’t real, that actually joints are good for you, what do you expect that child will do? When an adolescent tries smoking/drinking/drugs and finds them enjoyable, what then?

Of course, these are extreme examples to illustrate a point. But I think it is fair to say if you want children to believe you, start by being believable.

“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie.”  (Robert Ebert)

Do you agree or disagree?

We can’t take our emotions for granted.  They govern our behavior, even when we don’t realize it.  Immature families, especially when under stress, communicate that feelings are wrong.  Family members react to each other.  The overriding message is, “You shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling.”  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, child psychologist)

I hear ya!  Emotions—especially strong ones—intensify and magnify issues.  Emotions, at times, finger point—”It’s your fault, not mine!”  

“Emotions, however, when handled appropriately, can promote positive change.”  (Dr. Reynolds)

Really?  How?

• Empathize.  Validate your child’s feelings but stand firm on your decision: “It sounds like you’re frustrated because I won’t let you wear jeans today.  I know that’s hard for you, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
• Discipline, don’t punish.  Discipline is patient and goal-oriented; punishment is motivated by anger or reactivity.

 What else?

• Affirm, acknowledge, respect, create a sense of belonging, and appreciate each other.  Full emotional tanks give members room to express themselves.  Relax.  Enjoy simple pleasures.
• As families mature, they shame each other less; respond to each other more.  They listen to others without reacting.  They assert without antagonizing.  Families set realistic expectations.  They know they’re interdependent, and flex with the normal stresses of life.

“Learn to own your feelings.  Don’t blame others when you communicate.  Begin sentences with ‘I’ messages, not ‘you’.” . . . “‘I feel . . . when . . .’“

Empathize, affirm, discipline, “I” messages—Thanks Dr. Reynolds!

Argent de poche, L’ (1976)
★★★★ / ★★★★

“L’argent de poche” or “Small Change,” written and directed by François Truffaut (“The 400 Blows”), did not have a defined story but it never failed to impress because the vignettes it featured ranged from disarmingly funny to downright heartbreaking. The film followed two-year-old children to fourteen-year-old young adults as they tried to roleplay and find their identities. I originally saw this picture in my third year of French class in high school but I failed realize how brilliant it was. Watching it again four to five years later, I couldn’t help but enjoy it that much more because I’ve had more experience with films and acquired a deeper understanding of childhood psychology. Watching the scenes which involved children giving their friends haircuts (and ending up disastrous), sneaking into the cinema, preparing breakfast with a sibling as their parents sleep, and others really took me back on how fun and easy life was back then when I didn’t have yet carry certain responsibilities. It also tackled topics such as securely and insecurely attached children, attachments to certain objects, and their inabilities to not act upon the first thought of action that would come up in their minds. While the humor was certainly there, I admired that the film also showed the darker side of childhood which dealt with abuse and childhood depression. That bit reminded me of a girl in my fourth grade class. Although at the time I didn’t quite grasp the idea of parents abusing their children in the home, there were definitely signs that would most likely lead to the a conclusion, such as her bruises on her arm and when she would come to school either crying or restless. (Most of us thought she was just really emotional and stayed away from her.) That delicate balance was definitely Truffaut’s greatest strength. Lastly, I enjoyed the teacher’s (Jean-François Stévenin) insight on childhood and growing up. I found his speech to have a certain resonance because it had undeniable truth without ever having to be melodramatic. “Pocket Money” is one of those pictures that reminds me why I love watching coming-of-age films.

Keeping Our Children Safe: Transforming Fear into Confidence

By Bonnie Harris (www.bonnieharris.com)
When you were an adolescent, were you a risk taker or a risk avoider? Our experiences in childhood greatly influence how we help or hinder our children as we project our own experiences in their direction, if not directly onto their path. If you were a risk taker, you might either encourage that quality in your children or become controlling in an attempt to protect them from the experiences you knew all too well. If you were more risk avoidant, you will have a hard time understanding a child who is a risk taker and may try to control and orchestrate their experiences to insure your peace of mind.

With the recent horrifying occurrences in our area, the question I’m asked is, “How do I protect my children?” I answer with a different question: “How do I empower myself so I can empower my children to be confident and capable in the event of whatever might happen?”

To begin we must look at how we deal with fear. Does it overwhelm you rendering you incapable of empowering your children and prone to overprotect? Or does it motivate you to face reality and learn what we all need to do to keep ourselves safe?

Fear can be debilitating. We can live surrounded by it as if in a fog, unable to see what life puts in front of us. Like having blinders on, we choose to see only what makes us feel okay. When something frightening happens, we retreat saying, “That will never happen to me.” Ignoring or avoiding leaves us defenseless. This tendency is often passed down from risk avoidant parents who do not trust the outside world and keep their children on a very short, retractable leash. We do not learn and cannot teach effective safety measures from within that fog.

But for many, fear is a motivator to take action instead of retreat. We cannot control what happens, but we can grow stronger and better able to respond in the face of adversity. Being proactive means first recognizing the fear within, being aware of how fear acts on us, even if initially immobilizing, and acknowledging all of it instead of trying to make it go away or hiding from it. When we are conscious, even though afraid, we can take steps to move forward. It is only from this proactive place that we can empower our children to find their way and not get lost in the fog.

We have wonderful model of a fifth grade girl, grabbed by a potential abductor. She was proactive; she screamed, she ran, she got away to safety. She did not get locked in her fear. It motivated her. Use her as an example for your children.

Play “What would you do if…?” games with your kids ranging from What would you do if your ice cream fell out of your cone onto the sidewalk? to What would you do if someone came to the house when we weren’t home? etc. etc. Make plans. Children feel empowered when they put themselves into arbitrary situations and make decisions about what to do. Your goal is to give your children confidence in the face of fear. We cannot know what we would actually do or feel if something were to happen, but we can strengthen our reserves with plans.

Like establishing a spot to meet outside your house in case of fire and practicing escape routes, establishing behaviors if someone strange were to approach gives us all more confidence. It does not mean we will always be safe, but confidence is the strongest antidote to fear. In our family, when our children were young, we made sure we had a meeting spot in case of separation every time we were in a crowded place. Sure enough, my 4 year old got separated. I was beside myself until I found her calmly waiting in the designated area.

Risky behaviors with little or no thought to the consequences of those behaviors are often engaged in by risk takers who feel too tightly controlled and protected. In that protection, they don’t learn to be street-wise, to make plans for what to do if…. Many children are risk takers by nature. As parents we want to encourage and support who they are rather than try to make them risk averse. Risk taking is a wonderful (getting to be essential) quality to have to succeed in this world. We must not let our fears prevent us from teaching our risk takers how to be safe.

Which would you honor — obedience or respect?

• Obedience – “Do it!  I said so!”
• Respect – good listening + trust + give children two choices you can live with

Respect, bar none!  I can’t make anyone do anything willingly.  You can’t make me, either.

Yet, when under intense stress, I find myself demanding unconditional obedience from my children, not respect.

It’s time to change — to recognize and minimize counterproductive behaviors. 

How, Dr. Reynolds?

• Respect grows when parents listen instead of just hear.  Value what your child says and attempt to understand his reality and his feelings.  Reflect (“So what you’re saying is …,” “I see you’re …”).
• Respect requires trust.  A child cannot trust the parent who does not listen.  Personal responsibility and interdependence — each person doing his part to keep the relationship healthy — is essential for building trust.  Hold children accountable.  Communicate with conviction, “You can do it!”                                                                     

Okay, but I need concrete tools.  How do I continue building trust and earning my children’s respect?

• Talk directly with the person — child or adult — who upsets you rather than to someone else.
• Too overwhelmed to talk?  Find a neutral third-party to coach you.
• Child/Parent conflict?  Encourage your child to talk directly to your spouse; not through you.
• Do not rescue or interfere with your spouse’s parenting, even if you disagree.  Discuss differences privately.  Form a united front.
• When you discipline, spend one-on-one time with your child.  Secure your bond with him. 

THANK YOU, sir! 

We humans — regardless of education level, status, wealth, or lack thereof — are all equal; messed up emotional creatures! 

Save face.  Discipline with dignity. 

Can’t wait to enjoy my family today!

  Trying to get your children to develop healthy eating habits isn’t easy!! Here is some parenting advice from Bonnie Harris to help!

Q. Mealtimes are hard with my 3-1/2 year old. He’ll come sit down with us and have a couple of bites, and then he’s up and running around again. I’ve developed a bad habit of feeding him after we’ve finished our dinner in front of a TV show he’s watching. I know this is not a good practice, but I worry about him not getting the nutrition he needs if I don’t feed him. What should I do? I’ve tried not feeding him after he gets up, hoping he’ll get hungry and go eat. But he never seems to want to eat what we give him-he only begs for cereal!

A. This is a good time to begin teaching healthy eating habits. You know you are setting up a bad habit by allowing him to call the shots on when, where, and how he eats and by actually making yourself his servant. We can all relate to your concern of him not eating enough to get nourishment. That is his trump card! It may seem cruel, but you will be serving him in the long run if you teach him good eating habits now. There can be rules about eating. You can let him know that now that he is a big boy, dinnertime is going to be different. #1 – It happens at the table. I don’t think forcing him to stay at the table is a good idea for a very active 3 year old. Let him go off and come back but make it very clear that food stays at the table. #2 – Let him know that after dinner is over, you will not be fixing him anything else. He will eventually get hungry but maybe not the first night or two of the new rules. #3 – Make being at the table the most enjoyable place he can be. Have fun, play games, put food in bowls so the kids can serve themselves, give him a choice about one thing to have at the meal, always include something you know he will like. Perhaps a bowl of cereal he can serve himself from is one of the options. #4 – TV does not go on until everyone is finished with dinner.

Which types of parents raised you — the overprotective Rescuer who assumes too much responsibility, or the Reactor; critical, under-involved, and the distant?

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds states, “Both Rescuers and Reactors present strategies for failed parenting.”  No wonder I’m screwed!  My mother was a Rescuer, my father, a Reactor.  I was raised by both!

So how did I learn (and continue to learn) what my parents failed to teach me? 

SOCIETY — the school of hard knocks!

I want more for my two sons — way more.  With my husband, I want to work on creating healthy family dynamics and healthy individuals.

When parents succeed in creating individuals, their children will be:

• Cooperative
• Compassionate
• Maintain relationships even during tough times
• Take care of themselves without imposing on others
• Live with convictions
• Willing to suffer discomfort to accomplish personal goals
• Define who they are without succumbing to peer pressure                       (Dr. Reynolds)

Compassionate, hardworking, problem-solver/life-long learners . . . the character traits I wish for my kids.

SO, what are my husband and I to do? . . .

Dr. Reynolds to the rescue!

• Communicate clear expectations.  Help children reach their potential.
• Allow children to take risks.  
• Set realistic but challenging expectations for your children.  Help them push through their doubts as they move from incompetence to competence.
• Hold children accountable for their responsibilities.  Empower them to grow.
• Validate your children.  Make them feel important.
• Parents ought to focus on their own goals, well-being, and self-definition.  Don’t live through your child.  Children are not extensions of their parents.
• Pray for your children.

Whew!  So much to understand, internalize, and apply . . . for me, anyway. 

Better late than never!  One step, one moment, one day at a time! 

Enjoy parenting!  Enjoy life! 

   Many topics can be hard to handle with young children. Anger is one of these tender subjects as Bonnie Harris  explained in our last post from her Newsletter. Here is a question from a reader and Bonnie’s response on how to deal with anger and tantrums.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Q. My 6 year old son is going through a difficult phase of feeling angry with the world and in particular me. I have a hard time dealing with his tantrums and get infuriated when he is manipulating me. This morning he seemed particularly fed up and first thing I heard moaning coming from his room. It transpired that he had “fallen” out of bed landing on his duvet (interesting) and hurting his feet to the extent that he was unable to walk without dragging himself snake like through the house. I reassured him, poor you etc. and by breakfast all was sorted. But I feel this is indicative of the way he feels about himself: chronically low self-esteem. He often says things like “Now no one likes me” after a tantrum.

A. I don’t think you need to worry that this behavior indicates low self-esteem. His attention-getting behavior is for just that-getting your attention. My guess is that he wanted you to interact with him so he could be with you while getting out of bed and dressed. Many children use any ploy they can to get us to help when they have to do something they don’t want. If it infuriates you, then your reaction will be negative and that why he is angry with you. Perhaps you need to adjust some expectations so that you actually expect that he will want to get you involved. Then when he does, it won’t feel so much like manipulation. You will know that that is normal – annoying perhaps, but much less enraging. His claim that no one likes him after he has had a tantrum indicates that the reactions he encounters to his tantrums gives him that message. To help him feel stronger and more loved, you will need to have more understanding for the problem (whatever it is) that he is having that is causing the tantrum. If you think it is trivial (which it may be to you) or misguided or you are out of patience, then you will be angry about it. That anger translates to him as ‘you don’t like him.’

When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter

by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.

Issue 40 – Anger: What’s It Good For?

Greetings!

 When we can’t accept ourselves, it makes it very difficult to accept others. We don’t have to like everything about ourselves, but if we accept our foibles and our feelings, we are more able to understand and accept them in others — even our children.

Discussion of Key Points — Anger: What’s It Good For?

Because most of us grew up in homes where our anger was either disapproved of or denied (“Now you know you don’t mean that.”), we don’t know what to do with our children’s anger. Do we disapprove and deny, too? If we don’t want to, then what do we do instead? Most feel that it is not okay for a child to yell in anger and especially to get mad at us. Even when we consciously decide that our children should express their feelings, the power of their anger can be quite intimidating. Usually it pushes a button. “How dare she yell at me like that! I have to put a stop to it.” What is going on inside my heads is the unconscious realization that “I never would have dared say anything like that to my mother. I can’t let her get away with it.” If I had to obey my parents with no recourse for whatever I was angry about, it’s likely that when my child refuses to back down, like I did, I will react harshly-even though that’s what I said I wouldn’t do.

We get so caught up in these ideas and fears, which quickly eject us right out of the moment. Connecting with my child and whatever it is that caused her anger or upset is out of the realm of possibility. I don’t want to look at the fact that I may have instigated it-possibly by yelling at her in anger! So I deny my anger and send her to time out. Many more progressive parents will send themselves to time out. A step in the right direction.

We need to accept anger as a normal, healthy, human emotion — for all of us. It’s what we do with it that is sometimes not healthy. When anger channels into violent, harmful directions, you can be sure that somewhere in the past, this person got the message that anger was not okay. We need to take responsibility for our anger and not blame it on others, especially our children. When we do, they learn to blame theirs on others — “It’s all your fault.” Once we take responsibility for ours, we can then accept our children’s and help them to understand it. From, “You’re really mad that you hit your head on the table,” to “You’re furious with me that I won’t say it’s okay to go to that party. I don’t blame you. I’d probably be furious with me too. Sometimes a parent has a tough job,” anger can be allowed and understood. It does not have to intimidate and coerce us into either succumbing or reacting.

ScienceDaily (Nov. 3, 2009) — Three-year-old children who are exposed to more TV appear to be at an increased risk for exhibiting aggressive behavior, according to a report in the November issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, one of the JAMA/Archives journals

Causes of TV Exposure

“Early childhood aggression can be problematic for parents, teachers and childhood peers and sometimes is predictive of more serious behavior problems to come, such as juvenile delinquency, adulthood violence and criminal behavior,” according to background information in the article.

Click on for more

Courtesy From Sciencedaily

What kind of home do you strive to create; family relationships based on justice, mercy, or grace?

• justice–you get what you deserve
• mercy–you don’t get what you deserve (a policeman pulls me over for speeding but doesn’t give me a ticket)
• grace–you get what you don’t deserve (the policeman gives me a $100 bill)

Grace sounds great, especially when I’m the recipient!

What if I was the giver, the parent, the one in charge?  

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds recommends grace, bar none!

Law-oriented families focus on goals and standards (like the workplace).  Grace promotes relationships (yeah!).  Grace enables you to accept the way things are and trust God for the way things should be.  In the grace-based home, warmth and excitement are everyday experiences.

Dr. Reynolds, how can I get there?

• Validate your child’s feelings instead of resisting them.  Empathize.  Be affectionate and loving when your child is upset.  
• Every relationship has an emotional account.  When you deposit into the account by spending time with your child, you can draw from it without penalty.
• Spend time listening to your child in order to understand her behavior.  Find out where she’s coming from.
• Explain how people must learn to follow if they want to lead.  Recommend biographies.  Look for teachable moments.  Praise her when she successfully yields.
• Maintain a sense of humor.

I must remember my strong-willed child’s strengths.  He is honest.  He often sees himself outside of the family system and its values, and sees the family dynamics clearly.  He is NOT shy about saying what’s on his mind. 

I’ve also heard, conforming children sometimes grow up with less moral courage than their more difficult children (yes, the ones who, right or wrong, wouldn’t dare rock the boat.  YUK! YUK!  TRIPLE YUK!!! SPINELESS WHIMPS!!!) 

 I LOVE my strong-willed child!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference . . . Amen! 

Potty Training Advice

Here’s some more great advice from Bonnie Harris !Potty training can be a very difficult stage for not only the child, but the parent as well. Here are some tips to help you get through this stage of life. borrowed from :www.bonnieharris.com

Q. I have a 4 year-old son who is bright, energetic, funny and outgoing but, also, quite sensitive. A year ago we started potty training, but he never showed an ounce of interest. Finally, he agreed to give up the pull-ups and wear underwear. From that time forward, he has urinated in the toilet without an accident. However, aside from a 1-1/2 week period about a month ago, he refuses to defecate in the toilet. He is not holding his bowel movements, so his pediatrician was not concerned about any health implications, he simply has the bowel movement in his underwear. I have tried every suggestion out there-from books, internet, pediatrician and friends-and nothing works. I desperately want to help him, as there is clearly some unspoken fear, and I am concerned that his little 4 year-old self-esteem may start suffering because of this problem.

A. This is not an uncommon issue. I think the reason that no advice has helped is because your son is going to decide on his own when he will use the toilet for bowel movements. I wouldn’t worry about his self-esteem. For some reason you may never know, he does not like the idea of his bowel movements disappearing down the hole. He may (classically) think that it is part of him being flushed away or he may just choose to keep them to himself for awhile longer. Unless there are other concerning issues around his toileting, my advice is to let it go and let him decide on his own. I don’t think you need worry about unspoken fears. Since he is 4, he is old enough to help out with his decision. Let him know that you honor his body and want him to do the same. You understand that he is not ready to poop in the toilet and that is fine. However, you do not like the work involved with the cleanup and want his help. You will leave a pile of clean underpants in the bathroom and expect him to change when he needs to. He can put his bowel movements into the toilet or a bucket provided (his choice) and put his soiled underpants into the sink (perhaps leave some water in the sink). Then he can wipe himself and put on clean underpants. You can ask if there is any part of this process he would like your help with. If you hand the responsibility over to him, there is no shame or blame involved and he is free to decide for himself-something that should be allowed with one’s own body. If he chooses not to change his pants, you can make rules about what he can sit on and what not if he has poop in his pants. That way there is a balance of needs honored. If he is let alone with this, my guess is he will choose sooner rather than later to use the toilet. If it goes on for another year, seek some counseling. Otherwise allow him to hold onto his body parts as long as he needs and trust him to work it out. The important thing is that you let go. Then he might.

I think I should share an experience of my life. This might make you to feel something.

Credit: This post is inspired by the Raising Kids or Warriors of my blogging guru Reema.

It’s natural for parents to become overly involved in their children.  Family is important; however, when parents look for their identity needs to be met in their children – meaning, purpose, challenge, and joy – family friction and codependency take over healthy family dynamics.  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, Child Psychologist)

In other words, parents, don’t live through your child.  Get a life.  Work on issues, challenges, dreams, goals . . . Hmm . . . Much easier said than done. 

Taking risks, changing, (possible) failure . . . they CAN be scary.  It’s easier to blame someone else (e.g., a strong-willed child) for life’s difficulties than own up to our deficiencies.

But life’s lessons we choose to ignore will resurface until we learn.  Do we learn them now, later, or never?

Healthy parents, healthy kids — happiness!

I want to LIVE my life; my goals.  I want my family, too!  Gonna get ‘em all! 

CHARGE!!!