Part I was yesterday, Part II today. Real complicated shit.

The Slammin’ Salmon

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38972

Dear Broken Lizard,

I am a fan of yours. I have bought in. I have drank the Kool-Aid. I have smoked what you have been selling. I have inhaled your airborne pathogens through my nasal cavity (Cavities? Is the term referring to the actual skull hole or the fleshy holes separated by cartilage? I have two nostrils like most, but I am pretty sure it is just one big hole in your skull. Plus I have a deviated septum so I’m probably only breathing in air through one of these fleshy holes anyway. Yep, I’m your internet dream boat alright). Long story very weird, I have seen all your previous works of non-fiction (Super Troopers, Club Dread and Beerfest were all documentaries, right?). I enjoy each one of them thoroughly. I have watched and rewatched each one several times. I have a great deal of anxiety that this The Slammin’ Salmon will suck. There are some parts in the trailer that make me smile and even at times giggle, but for the most part it don’t look good. I really hope that I am wrong about this. Typically trailers for comedies ruin many comedies by showing their best scenes, but Beerfest’s best scene aka “The ZJ scene” was not in the trailer. I pray nightly that there is a scene with relative hilarity as “The ZJ scene” in this movie. Please do not let me or your country down.

I am giving this trailer 2 Kristen Stewarts wants IT heads. The second head is mostly because of all the laughs and fond memories I have of Broken Lizard’s previous movies. I refer to that second head as “nostalgic head”. Not to be confused with “head” you are nostalgic about.   

Crazy Heart

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=46933

Jeff Bridges has quite a varied career with several brilliant movies intertwined in the madness. So has Jeff Daniels. Both men live equally schizophrenic careers of random ass movies with an insanely memorable performance every few years. They have an inexplicable bond of syllables and first names that regardless of whether you ever confuse the two (which don’t lie you have) you will always think of the other when one is mentioned. You know what movie was good? The Big Lebowski. That was a good movie. Jeff Daniels was great in The Squid and the Whale. What? We’re talking about Jeff Bridges. I know, but I just had this urge that I couldn’t stop to mention Jeff Daniels like I was some crazed tourette’s kid howling during the middle of Social Studies class. Weird. This odd occurrence is referred to as the “Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman paradigm”.

This movie looks like it will be pretty good even with the seemingly predictable love storyline. Jeff Bridges is perfect to play a washed up country singer. He looks like a cowboy bar playing country singer so why not make a movie about it. It doesn’t look like it will be nearly as dark as I would want it to be, but I think Bridges will do a good job and make this a more than a watchable film.

I’ll give 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads to this trailer and hope the romancing of Maggie G’s character is a minimum with Jeff Bridges getting whisky drunk at a maximum.

Avatar

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13245

I’ve talked about this movie already several times I believe. So I’ll jump straight to the decapitated Kristen Stewart heads review.

If/when I see this movie in 3D, I think it will kick so much ass I’ll forget for a moment that I’m wearing the dorkiest fucking plastic disposable 3D glasses to make these blue apes come to life.

Without the 3D, the movie will be good. The action looks pretty badass, but it won’t live up to the hype. I play videogames! I’ve seen this before. It will be fun and colorful and stuff will be blowing up all the time. It might be cool enough to make me forget that this movie has been hyped up for 5 years as being the movie that will change action movies forever, but it won’t. Actually the recent TV spots say that this movie will change how we watch movies forever, which I guess means those stupid glasses. I remember playing Ridge Racer for Sega Genesis with those red square and blue square glasses. The “technology” has gotten better, but you’re still wearing shit glasses aka stupid glasses (not glasses made of shit). So I don’t know what it is changing.

If you haven’t noticed watching movies and talking about them is an insanely large portion of my life, so changing the way I watch movies forever would be a life changing experience for me. I’ll like Avatar, but it won’t change my life.

Fight Club changed my life. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly changed my life. Enter the Dragon changed my life. The Crow changed my life. Swingers changed my life. Rushmore changed my life. No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan changed my life. I can name a lot of movies that “changed my life”.

Avatar won’t. But I’ll like it anyway.

Did You Hear About The Morgans?

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=49705

Ugh. I would literally kill myself if I had to see this movie. KILL MYSELF! If someone tricked me into seeing this movie – they buy tickets before hand for this movie and another movie that are both starting at a similar approximate time and they get me to walk into the theater with a blind fold on somehow so I don’t see the scrolling electronic marquee thingy…. – I would kill myself in the theater. I would fashion a gun out of popcorn, straws, milk duds and a GUN(!) and I blow a hole through my fucking head and paint my brains all over the stupid people who paid to see this movie because I would rather die than see this fucking movie. Ok? My review…

It gets a special 4 bullet through the brain Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I’m sorry I had to do this to Kristen Stewart’s angelic wanting it head, but seriously that movie looks awful.

Nine

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22220

This movie should be huge. I’m hoping it is huge. I like the cast a lot. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man and we all know it. The chicks are all smoking hot in this movie. Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Fergie, and Dame Judi Dench. What? You think Fergie is hot!?! You know what ladies, I’ve had enough of this bitches hatin’ bitches questioning who is or isn’t hot. I’ve seen some pictures of her where her face doesn’t look the best, but she has a phenomenal body always. Fergie is hot. Oh yeah, I said Dame Judi Dench as well, didn’t I? Yeah, that was a joke. I am not attracted to Dame Judi Dench, but I can’t stop myself from writing or saying “Dame Judi Dench”. It’s a drug and I can’t stop my addiction! DAME JUDI DENCH! Also, “Ghost f at One Time Hottest Woman in Hollywood Christmas Past” Sophia Loren is in the movie too.

This movie will be good. I didn’t like Chicago, but I’ll like this. I made a joke the other day calling Nine the “white Dreamgirls”. I thought that was clever and I was proud of myself for that. Heads?

I’ll give this 3 heads. I’m sure I’ll find one or two of the songs a little annoying and there will not be enough of Penelope Cruz naked for my liking either. So I’ll be a little depressed afterwards. But that joke about this being the “white Dreamgirls”

That gets 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads.

The Young Victoria

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=23004

Oh my! How romantic! So much romance. So much romance for everyone. Their clothes? Romantic. The setting? Romantic. The acting? Romantic. The story? Romantic. I feel like a young lady being asked to dance at a ball with a lovely waltz playing and we kick up our heals and dance and dance and the music swells! And it is just so romantic… … … … … … I’m not seeing this movie. Queen Victoria reigned as the Queen of England and Ireland for 64 years! If that wasn’t enough, she was also the First Empress of India from 1876 onward until her death in 1901. And we’re watching a movie about some summer fling she had back in the dizzay? Fair enough. I understand these movies are not for historical importance and are instead for period piece romance importance, but if I have to remind you I am a guy.

I’ll generously give this movie 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie visually is pretty stunning so I have to give credit to that. Also Emily Blunt is hot. I was pretty late to the Emily Blunt is hot party. I didn’t see The Devil Wears Prada until it was on HBO. I didn’t think she looked all that hot in the trailers for the movie or at least I was more focused on Anne Hathaway because I already thought she was hot before that movie came out. Nevertheless, I joined the Emily Blunt is hot party with bells on when I saw her in Charlie Wilson’s War. She was only in it for a minute (fortunate rhyme), but she is near nekkid in that one minute and she looks fucking great. I won’t say what happened when I saw The Devil Wears Prada because it will only cause you high pitch squeals of hate instead of love.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44803

Obviously this looks terrible to me. I want to take a drill gun to my brain ala Pie (the Darren Aronofsky movie. I’m not going to search through ‘wingdings’ to find the damn 3.14 symbol) when I see trailers for kid’s movies like this. I’m not going to give this any heads because the movie was clearly not made for me nor my opinion. But I do need to mention that I’m freaked out by the implied sex in this movie.

In this “Squeakuel” the Chipmunks attend high school. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I know, I know. For a minute, let us pretend that that makes any logical sense whatsoever. People have accepted that chipmunks are talking English and communicating with high school students on a similar intellectual level. I will accept this, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept the bestiality idea that Alvin is hitting on the high school chicks and they are seemingly flirting back. That is getting a little fucking crazy. It appears that the writers at some point realized that Alvin cannot have a human female love interest. Avatar won’t change my life, but if I saw Alvin fucking a high school girl that would change my life and maybe end it. I feel the writers came to the same conclusion and decided to add more chipmunks and this time they are female. This does simplify things that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are not crossing species sexual lines, but instead are just fucking chipmunks. I think I may have just talked myself into seeing this movie now. Chipmunk sex. Who knew?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38969

Psyched. I’m fucking psyched. It is sad and all that Heath Ledger died because he was a father and seemingly a good guy and all that. I never met the guy and probably never would have. His acting on the other hand did affect my life. I see a lot of you in the comments section weren’t big fans of Brokeback Mountain. SHAME ON YOU! That movie was great. Really great. Excellent, even. The movie is shot amazingly, the movie was acted amazingly, Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams get topless in the movie and their breasts look amazingly. As for the gay sex? It was one scene and it lasted like 20 seconds at best. The movie was more of a focus on the lonely life of a cowboy and even more lonely life when you are “different” than the others around you. Anyway, it’s a good movie and better acted then any other romantic garbage I see. And seriously, when Heath Ledger visits Jake Gyllenhaal’s house at the end of the movie when he is dead and goes up to his room and smells his shirt…. Tears. I’m comfortable saying it. I’m really comfortable saying it. That was a great scene.

Of course, Heath followed up that with The Dark Knight. If I could explain how much I love The Dark Knight in a sentence it would be: If/when I have children in this life, I may love The Dark Knight more than them. I’m just saying that is a possibility. Even if they were great kids who become millionaires and Nobel Peace Prize winners and so on. I still might love The Dark Knight more than them.

Heath was really hitting his stride in acting. He was finding roles that he could shine in and even more so there seems to be so many roles that he would have been amazing for. He did not get a chance to film all of his scenes in this movie, but I bet the ones he did he is great in. The rest of his scenes, he was replaced by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law. At the very least, this movie is wildly handsome. Also, Terry Gilliam is a great director so I’m psyched.

Definitely 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. There is a joke in here somewhere about “forehead”. I went to school with a guy who remarked that he got “four head” which sounds like “forehead”. He meant he got “head” four times, but it sounded like the girl rubbed his junk all over her forehead. Whatever gets you off, buddy. Cheers.

It’s Complicated

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=47769

So Meryl Streep, hunh? The older she gets the more guys she is sleeping with in movies. The last flick, Mamma Mia, she was banging 3 guys. Right? That’s what that movie/play is about? Streep is doing so many guys she doesn’t know which one is the pappa of her kiddies. I didn’t see it. In this movie Streep is banging Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Why not? So she did downsize from a foursome to an average threesome. That is pragmatism right there. I think you can thank the Obama administration for that. For Meryl Streep wanting less dick, amirite!?! I have no clue what I’m talking about here. I really don’t want to review this movie either. I don’t want to see it. I’ll probably end up seeing it hungover one morning when it is on TNT or TBS either way Ted Turner is to blame. That’s how I saw Something’s Gotta Give. Just laying around on the couch in the fetal position because some hard liquor ran me over like a freight train and I need some comfort in my life like Jack Nicholson doing Diane Keaton. I guess I’m saying that when I’m hungover and verging on the edge of death I’m finally cool with watching senior citizens grope each other like their 16 year olds with some light commercial humor mixed in.

I’ll give it 1.5 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I like Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep so that is 1 head. There shouldn’t be any singing in it so that is a .5. The rest of the stars were deducted because a lot of the movie seems to be about Alec Baldwin having sex with Streep and his young new wife and that means I will imagine old Alec Baldwin rigorously pounding away, out of breath, but not stopping until he busts a nut or dies of a heart attack. Making Massapequa proud, STRONG ISLAND!

Sherlock Holmes

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=45650

Fuck this movie. Fuck Robert Downey, Jr.

That was to get someone’s attention. I don’t take kindly to people telling me what to do. Unless money is involved.

I love Sherlock Holmes (the character/books). I love Guy Ritchie. I like the cast. But I think I’m going to be disappointed with this movie. More than anything this movie seems like Ritchie and Downey making a new Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Trade in pirates and the high seas for muggy weather, ‘gents and England(!). It looks a little too commercial action/adventurery for me to really love it. Nevertheless it looks fun and it will be enjoyable. I wish it was dark and more like the books, but what can you do? At least it isn’t Swept Away. Also Rachel McAdams is smoking hot. Someone did mention already the lingerie and that does look great.

I will see this in the theaters and I am excited to see it, but from all the early reviews and from the trailers I’ve seen I don’t think I am at all wrong in assuming this is anymore than what I said previously in this paragraph like 4 sentences ago about the Pirates of the Caribbean. I am not a fan of those movies. I thought the first one was pretty fun when I was watching it in the theaters. Afterwards, I thought it was pretty meh. The second one I like a lot more. The action was better and made a ton more sense. Why are the skeleton’s in the first one even blocking any of the bullets or swords? They’re immortal! They should walk every human down and then choke them to death with their hands. No need for fancy sword play. The third was horrendous.  

I’ll give this 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie will entertain, but I will want more. More from Guy Ritchie. More of Rachel McAdams in lingerie or less.

And finally…

A Single Man

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50095

I left this movie last on purpose. All the other movies should be in chronological order of their release dates here in AMERICA(!). I intentionally left this to the end because I wanted to beg you, implore you, request you to watch this trailer. If you don’t watch any of the trailers for any of the other movies then you are lazy, but I am fine with it. You must watch this trailer though. Some might say then I should have put this trailer first, but I would be running the risk of you giving up on the rest of these posts if that were the case. This trailer in a word:

INTRIGUING

This trailer is the most fucking intriguing trailer I have ever watched ever. The music, the style, the switching between fantastical to reality, the sexiness, the tension, the INTRIGUE! Oh my Jesus is it intriguing! Oh my Moses and Abraham! It is like eating a 9 layer cake of intriguing. It is a thick gravy of intriguing soaking up in your potatoes, turkey, stuffing and biscuits and with every bite you get more intriguing. If Kristen Stewart’s want was “intriguing” instead of “want” then this movie would be Kristen Stewart. Think about that. Isn’t that intriguing!?!

I was intrigued so much watching this movie I felt like I was tunneling downward under a mountain of intriguing. With every handful of intriguing I shoveled away from the Earth I was getting closer to the intriguing, but also the intriguing was covering me. I had intriguing under my fingernails and intriguing on my legs and arms. I wipe the sweat from my brow from all this digging and I would leave smear marks of intriguing on my face. Soon I have broken through all this intriguing and I crawl inside this tunnel I have made inside this mountain of intriguing. I am now enveloped by the intriguing. I thought I couldn’t be anymore intrigued. At that point, I felt like I have had my fill and should leave this intriguing. And then…

Colin Firth is staring at the blonde kid like he wants to do his mouth and I’M INTRIGUED AGAIN! What in the fuck is this movie about!?! I have no idea, but I’m thoroughly intrigued!

I have to give this movie 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads for how intrigued I am by it. At the same time, I honestly think there is a 50/50 shot at me not liking the movie. How on Earth could it possibly live up to how intriguing the trailer is? Either way, the trailer worked and now I want to see it. Or I just want to watch the trailer over and over and over again.

Thanks for reading……

I hope this helps…..

I’m fading….

3400+ words…

I’m tired..

Kristen Stewart wants it.

The last part! I can’t stop laughing! LMAO

From a reader in Boston:

“Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.”

Dave: All right you Chipmunks. Ready to sing your song?
Paulvin: I’ll say we are!
Theodore: Yeah, let’s sing it now!
Dave: Okay, Simon?
Simon: Okay!
Dave: Okay, Theodore?
Theodore: Okay!
Dave: Okay, Paulvin?…Paulvin?…PAULVIN!!!
Paulvin: OKAY!

Remember, you’re only as old as you act. Go here to see the original video and song.

This is a link to another rocking chipmunk song that was actually played by the Black Eyed Peas. Some of you guys know this song and its called, Boom Boom Pow. BEP in the tag means Black Eyed Peas. The video is embeded below:
P.S This was the surprise Cael!

I went to Down Down on youtube today. I found Alvin and the chipmunks singing the down version of J Sean and Lil Wayne. The video is embeded below: More will be posted daily

We were so amped on the hype that followed Laberge’s debut EP that we scrambled to do a follow up. Luckily the lads at White Girl Lust (um, okay, Clay & I) had a little something up our sleeves. We took one of Laberge’s tracks from Pleasure & Pressure and flipped it into a electro-funk stormer. We are giddy with the results and think you should be too!

Buy on Beatport

Buy on iTunes

If that is not enough, we also created another viral video for Laberge’s track “True Love”. This time we played up the chipmunk vocals to literally visualize a chipmunk love serenade.

Hey brothaz. It has been a while since I wrote for latenightshow. I am currently stationed in California, USA and after being here a few months I have discovered how bad taste in music most Americans have. I figured I have to do something about it.

I summed up some of the tracks that has about a hundred plays in my itunes and uploaded them. Also these tracks are not neccessarily house. This is no longer a blog whos soul purpose is to distribute music from only one genre. From here on everything I like can wind up here.

John Dahlback Feat Young Rebels & Diaz – Can’t Slow Down Feat Terri B! (John Dahlback Vocal Mix) download

C-Mos – 2 million ways download

NuBreed – Nufunk (Deadmau5 Remix) download

Cazals -Somebody, Somewhere (Lifelike Dub) download

Cut Copy – Lights and Music (Boys Noize Happy Birthday Mix) download

Cassius, Tag Team, Stereobait – Feeling for your whoomp (SBedit) download

I must say these are som real classic track. Be sure to check the last one out!

remember, buy or die!

Olle

I opened the bedroom drapes this morning and looked through the slider doors. My gaze continued out beyond the deck, across the backyard to the base of my shed. There was a nervous little chipmunk darting around in what often seemed like several directions at once. You know how they are.

I watched the scurrying chipmunk for a short time; he had no idea that he was under surveillance, and he continued going about his business, which—as far as I could tell—was essentially the expenditure of nervous energy. I was feeling a little like the guy with the binoculars in a James Bond movie. It was then that I moved my gaze a few feet off the ground. Suddenly, I was startled when my eyes met another pair of eyes starring directly back at me. There on the limb of a tree, not thirty feet in front of me, was a large, gray squirrel who had apparently been perched there and watching me the entire time. We were like characters in a good spy novel; he had me in his sights, and I have no doubt that he would have taken me out had I made an aggressive move.

The squirrel and I stared at each other for a short time; then I blinked first, and I turned and walked away. I was feeling so superior while watching the chipmunk, but suddenly I had been “one-upped” by his brother woodland rodent. I guess they take care of their own. It became clear to me this morning that many of us have a lower opinion of the animal kingdom than we should have. And to think we somehow believe that we are the dominant creatures on the planet.

Today, drum roll please…. Echo took a nap. I present this with fanfare because she NEVER takes a nap. Even as a little baby she’d sleep in thirty minute stretches if I was holding her, and if I was upright, and if I was moving. If I sat down on a moving swing? Nothing doing. If I swayed back and forth while standing and while holding? Nothing doing. So, what this means is that my entire non-Echo-centric world is squeezed into the hours of the night that she sleeps. All Feeleez related work, all blogging, all adult conversations with Nathan, all non G-rated movies, all chocolate eating, all showering… you get the picture.

So she took a nap, which means she’ll be up later, which means that if I am going to get any sleep at all I need to do at least a couple of the above activities NOW. So as I type, she is chirping happily, playing legos with Papa, asking questions, moving tiny playmobile figurines, and keeping up a constant dialog of make believe.

i love a giiiiirl! I love uh uh uh uh! and she was with her nana last year and her nana said so good to see you! and it is so good. and here is their barn. and the house needs a chipmunk. and the chipmunks died. and that’s how it goes when you borrow it. and the blue and the orange. and dark blue! put it on. this is called razzleberry dazzleberry. and this is for papa. no papa! it’s not ice cream it’s a chipmunk! and here is for you mama! it’s a good dipper bug.

With this background music, I’m having trouble concentrating. I don’t think a coherent post is in the cards this evening. “Good dipper bugs”, aka lego towers, are being delivered to my lap as I type. I’m tempted to say isn’t this the life? in a sarcastic tone, but really, isn’t this the life?

A few days back, I was taking out the trash.  There’s a beaten path I follow around the side of the house to the trashcans, a path that has been trodden upon by other trash taker-outers since the house was built in 1960.  A very well worn path.  Often I don’t even throw on shoes for my trash taking-out adventures.  However, the gods of Sacred Soles were looking out for my precious soles (yes, we have two soles) this particular afternoon and I had thrown on a pair of surprisingly comfortable flip-flops (i’m not a flip-flop fan…another post for another day).

So, doo-dee-doo, there I go around the house with a bag of stinky trash in hand.  Deposit said bag in aforementioned trashcan.  I turn and am on my way back around the house, keeping my eyes peeled for my trio of kids who always run helter skelter in opposite directions.  I’m scanning the perimeter for a quick visual body count, One, two, three, all in view, when

slip!

I slip ever so slightly on something.  It was the tiniest slip of slips.  In fact, so microscopic that I would have never even noticed in my usual clodhopper shoes of choice (flip-flop/clodhopper footwear post in the mental works).  But, those thin surprisingly comfortable flip-flops yield very little distance between my precious soles and the ground.  So yeah, slip! I figure I must have slip!ped on a slug.  The end room of my house undergoes a nightly invasion by the slug army.  (anti-slug tips much appreciated)  The trash is on the end room side of the house, hence my (very, very wrong) assumption that I had just slip!ped on a slug.  (i am now channeling dr. seuss)

I slipped on a slug in my curiously thin slippers.

Only, the slip! was not on a slug.  No, it was no slug at all.

It was a sight to terrify and appall.

I slipped on a chipmunk head.

(i sort of want to end the post right there)

I looked down, fully expecting to see slug guts.  Instead, this sleepy eyed creature greeted me.  Click only if a decapitated Chip (or Dale tail) won’t keep you up nights on end.  For the big picture gore enthusiasts, here’s the full shot.  And, if seeing a mutilated chipmunk is not in your bag of tricks, congratulations on your mental wellness.

That teeny weeny slip! I felt was a chipmunk’s wee furry head.  slip! It’s days later and I can still feel that slip!ping sensation.  So minuscule and barely noticeable.  slip! If I had been wearing my usual clunky shoes, I bet I could have bypassed this entire heebie-jeebie assault.  However, if I had been barefoot, I’m sure I would have amputated my own foot by now due to an overwhelming case of heebie-jeebie-itis.  Can you imagine stepping on a chipmunk head with your bare sole?  Aww yeah, you’re getting a heebie-jeebie attack yourself now, aren’t you?  There’s no vaccination for that, by the way.

I reason that I surprised a neighborhood cat mid-afternoon snacking.  The chipmunk parts were deli fresh.  Chip could have still been blinking, unaware the bulk of his midsection was currently working its way through someone else’s digestive tract.  A head, tail, liver, and stomach were all that remained.  I can’t imagine four prickly feet being more delectable than some newly prepared chipmunk haggis.  But, there it was.  If you ever find yourself wondering the order in which to devour a chipmunk, it’s feet first.

You know I couldn't resist.

]]> http://davidarchuletavn.com/2009/11/09/david-chipmunk-_/ Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:13:02 +0000 Huong http://davidarchuletavn.com/2009/11/09/david-chipmunk-_/

One of my favorite things about my dad is how funny he is (usually, albeit unintentionally).

Unlike some funny dads on the Internet these days (see: Justin’s dad), my dad is a man of far fewer words.

One particular phrase that often comes out of his mouth is among my favorite Dennis-isms. That phrase would be “more (object/subject/offending party) than you can shake a stick at.” I’ve been hearing this phrase for as long as I can remember. I’ve often puzzled over it’s meaning. Who is going around shaking sticks at objects in large quantities, I’ve often pondered.

Image courtesy of Using English

Apparently, my dad is.

The last time I was visiting my parents, my dad was standing in the kitchen looking out the window, outside of which many chipmunks were beginning to assemble their winter provisions. He was holding the golf club that he occasionally walks around the house carrying. “There are more [expletive deleted] little [expletive deleted] out there than you can shake a stick at,” my dad mused, shaking his head. Dad doesn’t like the chipmunks, who tear up the yard he painstakingly cares for. Nor does he like their architectural endeavors, which usually end with structural damage to his landscaping.

Noted.

Image courtesy of Sulekha.com

Whilst watching my dad curse over his yard’s furry little denizens, it dawned on me that in saying his trademark phrase, he was in fact holding a stick. And he was shaking it.

Mystery solved?

Not so fast.

• She [my cat, Coalette] gets more food on her face and the floor when she eats than you can shake a stick at.
• The village spent more money on that new town hall than you can shake a stick at.
• There were more people at Costco this morning than you can shake a stick at.
• Costco didn’t have any watermelons today, but they had more zucchini than you can shake a stick at.

And the list goes on. But something doesn’t add up. While the chipmunk incident did indeed necessitate the shaking of a stick, no stick was involved in any of the aforementioned instances.

The detective in me needed to get to the bottom of this idiom. A quick Google search turned up…. Not much. The only thing it really turned up was that “more than you can shake a stick at” has been in use for much longer than the 55 years my dad has been on this planet. World Wide Words, while not completely cracking the case, did shed some light on the conundrum.

According to World Wide Words, it seems as if there really is no explanation for where this curious locution came from, only theories. Its first use was documented in 1818. The most logical of theories, to me, is that it came from tallying farm animals, shaking sticks at them as they passed through, to facilitate counting.

Given that my dad grew up in the Oregon farmlands, his fondness of the phrase makes sense.

Maybe the metaphorical idea behind the idiom is as deep as it goes.

Or this is just a shining example of the fact that I don’t need to dissect every amusing phrase I hear to see what’s inside, intentionally taking it literally in order to do so.

But in my defense, the tendency to do this runs in the family.

Years ago, after overhearing my dad say to someone on the phone “[Co-worker whom shall remain unnamed] has his ass in a sling,” my mother and I spent the next few hours researching to find out if you could, in fact, break your ass (and not just your tailbone).

(Verdict: Yes. You can. Technically, you’d be breaking your ischial tuberosities.)

Image courtesy of FitSugar

These may just be funny little phrases most people hear and automatically go to the intended, metaphorical meaning without delving deeper. For me, I hear or see them and smile at the thought of my dad and the funny idioms that, because of him, have become dear to me.

Hearing them invokes more delight for me than you can shake a stick at.

Let me take you back to Halloweens of yesterday.  Remember dressing up as a kid for Halloween?  I remember planning out everything from what I was going to be, to how realistic I could make the costume.  He-Man was one of my favorite cosutmes I can remember, the plastic muscles and a cheesy plastic mask complete with elastic band in the back.  For some reason I remember how hard it was to breath under that mask.  Even at a young age I had a problem with how real a costume looked.  I told my mom, that I didn’t like that my hair was showing in the back, which didn’t match He-Man neon yellow plastic hair.  Don’t even get me started on how I fought my Mom on why He-Man would never wear a puffy warm jacket. 

Who ever this kids parents are are children of the 80s and brilliant.

 


I posted these masks because I love the design, packaging, and retro goodyness.

Part I – Part II

The Chipmunk in the Grass (Part III)
27 July 2009
Morton Wildlife Refuge, Sag Harbor, NY

The Chipmunk on the Trail (Part III)
27 July 2009
Morton Wildlife Refuge, Sag Harbor, NY

Throughout the year we put out food for the birds as a sort of reward for the immense amount joy they bring to us. We also have a special little place for chipmunks food and a high spot for seeds for chickadees. Sunflower seeds are the favorite choice of all.

I’ve read that chickadees have the ability to hide food in a thousand different locations in a season and the capacity to remember each place. Chipmunks also store food for winter, and seem to bury seeds in various places, some of which are in our flower beds, and as a result there are always sunflowers growing in many places where we tolerate them but did not plant them.

Today, there was activity at the very top of one of those sunflowers, upon which the seeds are now quite dry, perhaps four feet from the ground. This little fellow was very busy harvesting what he or one of his extended family had planted last spring.

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