It’s been 3 years since I’ve been blessed to be the lady of Mr. Kenton D. and I am so grateful for the blessing God has bestowed on my life. As I think about when we first started speaking, I remember he posed me the question “What is your definition of a man?” I ended up giving him a whole list. It went a little like this:

He is a priest of his household..

He knows how to take responsibility…

He supports his lady in her ventures…

He is bold enough to speak his mind and prevent her from self-destruction…

He treats his lady with respect…

He allows her to shine without feeling threatened…

The list went on and on and on.. “But most importantly HE IS A MAN OF GOD!”

One of his many ministries...yes he mimes too

Boy, did God ever give me my list. I have been blessed to have a man who is more than just a Man of God by title,  he is also a man of God by deed. The work of the Lord is his priority. I’M NOT KIDDING! If you were to ask me where can I find my man at all hours of the night, I will confidently tell you that he is at church either teaching the choir, practicing with the band, meeting with the pastor, planning a church production, speaking/ministering at a church, etc. He lives in the church yet, he manages to keep our relationship in tact. The Word of the Lord is his foundation and prayer is his shield.

There is nothing more beautiful than to find a mate who truly lives a life of service to God. Picking a mate is not about his car, how many degrees he holds, the size of his bank account, his investment portfolio or his lineage (yes people still do that!) It is about finding someone that compliments you and shares your walk with God. When I say share in your walk with God, I do not mean the same denomination. I do not believe that one’s denomination matters. It matters more that your mate share your Christian faith rather than his/her church affliation. God is not going to label us as a baptist, pentecostal, evangelical, seventh-day adventist, non-denominational, etc. Your mate is to be a believer, he/she must believe that God is supreme and that his son was sent to die, he rose and is coming again.

Once the two of you share in this great hope, you can agree to walk together in this life as you prepare your households for the next life which is to come when our Lord Jesus burst through the clouds. Some may oppose to this as there are still many denominations that have adopted a “cultish” attitude when it comes to marriages and relationships. Unfortunately, I stem from one of those denominations which will remain nameless. Even though I have come across many oppositions, I am greatful that I chose to listen to God and follow in His path. Today, I can proudly say that we are walking in unity under the banner of the Most High God. Hallelujah!

My Verse for today:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I found this post while browsing on Parchment and Pen, by C. Michael Patton. In it he discusses how his wife Kristie responded to his interest in making sacrifices to become a missionary in Europe. First, let’s take a look at what he wrote, then I’ll comment. This post is the meanest thing I have ever written on the blog. Please don’t read it, especially if you are a woman.

Now I don’t know any of the details of Mike’s life, so I am just using his words as a springboard to make some points of my own. Nothing mean I say applies to Mike or his family. I am trying to talk about my own experiences trying to reconcile my faith with women.

Mike starts admirably by explaining how, as a married man with two children, he became excited about a plan for preaching and defending the gospel in places like Europe, where there are very few Christians evangelizing.

He writes:

When I got home, Kristie attempted to probe for the passion and the source of my excitement. I held back some naively thinking it was going to be a surprise. I wanted to walk her through all I had learned and let the excitement build in her as it had in me. I told her everything we had been learning doing my best to work without the pins. I explained to her how much of a famine for the Gospel existed in other parts of the world. Then, when the time was just right, I gave her the “good” news: “We are going to be missionaries!!!”

I don’t think Mike’s expectations on his wife are realistic given my experiences with Christian women. And his wife did end up rejecting his plan to become missionaries in Europe.

Now I’ll talk about my experience, not about Mike’s story. In my experience, women often (70%) approach Christianity as a subjective experience, not as objective knowledge. So that means that they are not going to find what is written in the Bible as more authoritative than their own feelings, which they may be projecting onto “God” without the benefit of logic or evidence. That is why most women are usually not very interested in Christian knowledge, like theology or church history, and especially apologetics. In my experience, what this means is that they are less interested trying to convince people that Christianity is TRUE.

Most women in the churches prefer subjective experiences like singing, community, prayer, rituals, etc. Many women resent the idea that Christianity might be objectively true, because the truth of Christianity would limit their ability to invent their own version of Christianity based on their intuition. Many are certainly not interested in learning about God as he is, and then in shaping their lives to serve him in the most effective ways, regardless of the cost. Many prefer to spend their time reading fiction, like Stephanie Meyer instead of evidential stuff, like Stephen Meyer. Dan Brown stuff is also popular because it allows them to doubt the Bible when the Bible disagrees with their intuitions.

So the problem is that the Bible seems to be calling for bold action to evangelize and persuade others, but women seem to be more interested in more subjective, inward-focused activities that make them happy.

Note: there are exceptions of course. I know one women who read Signature in the Cell (!). Another woman I know read FOUR Tom Sowell books in two months. Actually some of the strongest denunciations of Christian women comes from other Christian women. One woman once told me that she never attended all-women Bible studies, and another told me angrily that her women’s group spent more time on arranging the table settings than in choosing the speaker for an event! As well, the best book on the Christian worldview is written by Nancy Pearcey. Etc. And of course, there’s Michele Bachmann, who asks her husband to take her to hear Ravi Zacharias for her BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

Mike continues:

Since then I have seen this situation more times than I can count. It is usually always the same: a zealous husband who has become embittered against his wife because she will not follow him in his zealousness. One good friend just got a divorce because his wife did not want to become a missionary. He thought it was the Lord’s will and he believed her unwillingness was keeping him from a “greater good.” Now, after the divorce, his immaturity has disqualified him from taking that step even by himself. Another friend is becoming embittered toward his wife because her focus is elsewhere. Their marriage is suffering. I could tell many more stories, but I don’t want to betray anyone’s confidence.

Friends (and especially young zealous husbands or soon to be husbands), don’t make the mistake of having your passion for ministry end your marriage. You first ministry is your marriage. If you don’t get that, you are not qualified for ministry. In the spirit of Priscilla: Do you not think that God is powerful enough to call you both into ministry or do you think he only has enough power to call one of you? If so, then he is not a God worth your time anyway. In short, if God does not call your wife, he is not calling you. Period.

Well, I agree with Mike that once you get married, unless you’re married to Jan Craig, then you can pretty much kiss your ministry good-bye. You have to uphold your marriage first, and God comes second. If your wife blocks your ministry, then you’re stuck with no ministry. He’s right about that. Which is why I don’t get married. What many women want, in my experience, is to make you like them so much that they can control you. But if they see that you are resisting and evaluating them critically, they give up and move on to easier prey. Many women have no intention of trying to help you to achieve your vision. You are just a tool in their toolbox for pursuing happiness.

What does the Bible say in 1 Cor 7:1-28?

¹Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.

⁸Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

⁹But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion

²⁵Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.

²⁶Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are.

²⁷Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.

²⁸But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

And in Matthew 19:12, Jesus says:

¹²For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

I have seen theologian after theologian explain these verses away, rather than incur the wrath of women in the audience. But it seems to me the verses are pretty clear. Don’t marry. (Note: there are exceptions – I think a marriage to Michele Bachmann would be an ennobling experience).

The only virtuous reason for a man to get married is when he is convinced that he can do better for God with that woman by his side than they can do as singles. Once a man gets married to someone who wants to live a secular life of pleasure, he’s stuck – he can’t break up the marriage to save his ministry. Mike is right about that. So that’s why I say again to men – DON’T MARRY! Marriage gets in the way of your commitment to God, unless you are very careful to find a wife who will support you in your ministry.

Look at Mike’s bio page:

I am Michael Patton, the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen blog. I do a lot of stuff and love teaching theology. In fact, I have been blessed enough to be able to make my living doing so. I am married, have four kids (two girls and two boys). Got married to the most beautiful gal in the world.

If you click through, you will see a picture of his wife in some sort of beauty pageant. But right away I am concerned because I am suspicious of women who enter beauty pageants.

Now forget Mike’s pretty wife, and let me make a comment about men and sexual attraction.

Most Christian men become interested in women because of sexual attraction (unless you’re me, and you have visions of little homeschooled William Lane Craig and Michele Bachmann clones dancing in your head). I think that many men today rely far too much on physical attraction, they start the physical contact way too early which destroys their objectivity. And most men don’t take the time to screen women to see whether their stated beliefs are grounded. They just take the women, and their stated beliefs, at face value. And what this means is that God is being left out of the relationship – his needs don’t matter. What matters is the physical attraction.

I have a friend with a PhD in physics who is an elder in his Calvinist church. His wife has never read an apologetics book. Not even The Screwtape Letters. She says that logic and evidence don’t apply to Christianity. She knows God through her intuition, not through the Bible, because the Bible was written by men. And Christianity is really about doing whatever she wants to be happy. She reads Dan Brown and she gave him Dan Brown to read, too. She doesn’t believe in Hell, and she thinks Jesus was married. She views her husband as a tool for serving her. She has a pretty appearance, so  he never screened her statements of faith. His eyes were blinded by a sexual attraction.

One of my friends has married well, and his wife is 100% perfect in every way. They had a good long courtship, with pre-marriage counseling, and were very strict about physical contact. (They were both virgins when they married in their late 20s). And that is the only way to do a courtship – they put God’s needs first and they knew exactly what vision they were pursuing. I think that men need to look for women who treat God as a real person, with a distinct character of his own. (She was a missionary for a year in a very nasty part of the world). On her evening off from being a stay-at-home mom, she answers apologetics questions for unbelieving seekers. This woman was screened very well.

More Mike stuff is here.

UPDATE: When I say DON’T MARRY, I really meant “don’t marry without sharing your vision with your prospective mate first, and make sure that she is on board with it”.

I’ve been married for some years now, but that doesn’t stop me from taking the occasional trip down the wedding aisle at Wal-Mart. Among the cake stands, artificial rose petals and guest books is an assortment of hideous, no, excuse me, funny cake toppers. They depict ridiculous scenes of brides clubbing their grooms over the head, or dragging him to the altar. I’m sure these were made in good fun, meant to provoke a good chuckle, but I doubt the designers realize what they are suggesting.

I don’t blame the designers for making them, or even the store for selling them. They’re just going along with the popular notion that men hate to be married and would only do it under duress. We seem to think it’s funny to see a woman literally dragging her man to get married, forcing him to wear the “old ball and chain.” These depictions are meant to be funny, but they shed light on the way our society conditions men and women to view marriage.

Women are taught to crave marriage, to long for the permanent commitment of a man who will always love and care for them. Men, on the other hand, are taught to see marriage as an absolute last resort, the one thing you do after you’ve lived your life and have accepted the fact that the fun part is over.  It is this polarizing dynamic that causes some women to stay in unhealthy relationships and some men to sabotage relationships. This idea, that she absolutely needs him while he only tolerates her, attacks and ravages marriage as all the power is concentrated in one pair of hands.

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to get married. There is nothing wrong with a man not wanting to get married. There is something wrong when these two people end up marrying each other. No person, male or female, should have to be dragged to the altar. If it pains a man that much to get married, that’s a sign he’s not ready. If a woman has to go through that much to get a man to marry, that’s a sign he’s not for her. The right man, the one you can establish a beautiful life with, will walk happily into marriage. The idea of it won’t scare him, and the actual act of it won’t feel like punishment.  If a man really wants a woman, nothing can stop him from pursuing her. Know this when picking your mate and know this when buying your cake topper.

~Nadirah Angail

After discussing my friend’s divorce with him, it came to my attention that some people shouldn’t be allowed to choose their own mates.  There are people who are bad at marriage, but there are also people who are bad at marrying.

It’s sort of like feeding a child.  Children are not allowed to feed themselves, and with good reason.  Sure, they wouldn’t know how to prepare it. But a child, given the choice of junk food or health food, will almost always go for the junk food.  It’s the same thing with marriage.  There should be parents.  That step in before the relationship goes bad.

So today in class we watched a case study and had a discussion about family and love. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone that your family doesn’t approve of? If you had to make a choice would you? It seems absolutely ludicrous that people would have to choose between the two but people do it everyday…

The case study we watched the woman, G, was very family oriented but felt like her relationship forced her to make a choice-and she chose her husband.  As it turns out, things didn’t end up working and she wondered how it was that she became so isolated in the relationship.  (Hello? Heidi and Spencer)

Speidi

So G was in therapy trying to figure out how to rebound with her family, and regain her sense of self post-relationship demise.  Tough Stuff. My Prof is talkin to us about it and how statistics work against relationships where the family doesn’t approve of the spouse.  However…the family will often mask their distaste for your partner until after the fact.  That was pretty startling to me!  I learned something similar in Ugrad in Dr.K’s class (Human Sexuality). And pair that with my friend Pinky’s honest but brilliant statement “Women will do anything to walk down that aisle,” it makes you really really really want to sit down with your whole family and have a talk. The case study, G, said that she wanted to prove her family wrong, and show him that she loved him and that their love was theirs and that was all that mattered. But its not. Marriage is the union of two families as well as two people, no? Yes.

A while back I was reading a MSN article about things that can kill relationships and things we over look. It mentioned the small things (you like shopping he likes camping…table manners etc.) and bigger things (your best friend hates him/her). Its because they can sometimes see things we can’t see. I was having this discussion with my own BFF(K) and told her that apart from loving your friend, you have to fall in love with a couple (as a BFF) to really give your blessing. This is someone sometimes closer to you than family, and the thought that they don’t approve, legitimately, of your sig.O is bothersome.  There are so many factors to this whole relationship thing… I hope I get it right and all this study doesn’t hinder me.

So, I just discovered that there is ANOTHER Margaret Hebron on Facebook. I’m kind of shaken up over this. I am very possessive of my name and don’t like to be around other Margarets. To know that there’s another Margaret Hebron out there is kind of upsetting to me.

There are two people in her profile pic, one woman who looks about 60-65, one who looks about 45-55. You’re going to think I am a truly terrible person, and you are right, but I can’t help vaguely hoping that she’s the older one and that she won’t live much more than 10 or 20 years. I think I could handle it for that long, as long as I don’t discover any other Margaret Hebrons in that time.

My other thought is that now I have to find a man with a truly obscure last name so I can be THE ONLY ONE. Of course, I would have to verify that there are no other Margaret Whatevers before we get married.