• Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. 

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
  
• Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
  
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. 

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
  
• Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
  
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

• Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
   
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
   
• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
   
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
   
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
   
• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
   
• A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
   
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
   
• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
   
• Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
   
• Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
   
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
   
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
   
• Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
   
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
   
• Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
   
• Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
   
• The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
   
• Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
   
• If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
   
• Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
   
• The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
   
• Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
   
• The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
   
• Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
   
• The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
   
• Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.
   
• Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
   
• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
   
• A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
   
• It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.
   
• Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
   
• Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
   
• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
   
• Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
   
• Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.
   
• The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
   
• Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
   
• Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
   
• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
   
• Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
   
• ‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
   
• Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
   
• When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
   
• According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
   
• Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
   
• In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
   
• Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
   
• When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
   
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

• Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
   
• If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
   
• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
   
• Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”
   
• Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
   
• MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
   
• Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
   
• What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
   
• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
   
• The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
   
• There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
   
• Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
   
• The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
   
• Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
   
• The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
   
• Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
   
• Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
   
• When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
   
• On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
   
• Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
   
• Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
   
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
   
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
   
• It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
   
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
   
• It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
   
• Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
   
• That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
   
• Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
   
• Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
   
• Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
   
• Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
   
• As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
   
• Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
   
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
   
• Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
   
• Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
   
• It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
   
• Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
   
• Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
   
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
   
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
   
• “Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
   
• Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
   
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
   
• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
   
• Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
   
• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
   
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
   
• Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
   
• Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
   
• Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

• ·  Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
   
• ·  If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
   
• ·  In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
   
• ·  Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
   
• ·  The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
   
• ·  Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
   
• ·  The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
   
• ·  For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
   
• ·  Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
   
• ·  Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
   
• ·  Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
   
• ·  How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
   
• ·  The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
   
• ·  When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
   
• ·  If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.
   
• ·  Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
   
• ·  Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
   
• ·  The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.
   
• ·  The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
   
• ·  Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
   
• ·  He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
   
• ·  The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
   
• ·  The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
   
• ·  Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris can taste lies.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
   
• ·  One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
   
• ·  Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
   
• ·  In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
   
• ·  They had to edit the first ending of ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine’s ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
   
• ·  4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
   
• ·  The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
   
• ·  With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
   
• ·  The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
   
• ·  chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
   
• ·  To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
   
• ·  There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
   
• ·  If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
   
• ·  70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
   
• ·  Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• ·  The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
   
• ·  Chuck Norris uses 8′x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
•  

• Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
   
• Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
   
• MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
   
• Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
   
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
   
• The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
   
• It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
   
• Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
   
• Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
   
• Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
   
• When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
   
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
   
• 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
   
• Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
   
• All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
   
• July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
   
• Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
   
• In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
   
• Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
   
• If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
   
• In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
   
• The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
   
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
   
• Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
   
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
   
• Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
   
• Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
   
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
   
• There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
   
• President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
   
• Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
   
• Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
   
• Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
   
• Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
   
• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
   
• The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
   
• Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
   
• A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
   
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
   
• Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
   
• Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
   
• When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
   
• Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
   
• Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
   
• There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
   
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
   
• Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
   
• In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
   
• For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
   
• In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
   
• We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Seria alguém capaz de ferir Chuck Norris? Estas imagens mostram que talvez sim, talvez um ser de força incalculável poderia machucar Chuck Norris e gerar um paradoxo que colocaria todo o universo em risco… Um urso poderoso teria ferido e tirado sangue (que nunca tinha visto a luz) de Norris!

Mas esperem…

segundo Chuck Norris Facts…

50 – Chuck Norris não faz a barba, ele dá um roundhouse kick na própria cara. Afinal, a única coisa que pode cortar Chuck Norris é Chuck Norris.

E como vemos aqui…

Como ele conseguiu estar em dois lugares ao mesmo tempo? Ora ele é Chuck Norris?

• Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
   
• Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
   
• MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
   
• Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
   
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
   
• The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
   
• It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
   
• Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
   
• Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
   
• Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
   
• When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
   
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
   
• 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
   
• Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
   
• All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
   
• July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
   
• Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
   
• In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
   
• Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
   
• If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
   
• In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
   
• The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
   
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
   
• Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
   
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
   
• Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
   
• Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
   
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
   
• There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
   
• President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
   
• Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
   
• Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
   
• Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
   
• Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
   
• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
   
• The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
   
• Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
   
• A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
   
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
   
• Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
   
• Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
   
• When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
   
• Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
   
• Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
   
• There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
   
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
   
• Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
   
• In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
   
• For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
   
• In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
   
• We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Like Chuck Norris jokes?

visit: http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/19/chuck-norris-facts-v/

by the way, Chuck Norris actually hates these jokes.

• Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
   
• If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
   
• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
   
• Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”
   
• Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
   
• MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
   
• Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
   
• What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
   
• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
   
• The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
   
• There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
   
• Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
   
• The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
   
• Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
   
• The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
   
• Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
   
• Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
   
• When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
   
• On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
   
• Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
   
• Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
   
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
   
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
   
• It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
   
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
   
• It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
   
• Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
   
• That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
   
• Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
   
• Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
   
• Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
   
• Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
   
• As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
   
• Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
   
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
   
• Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
   
• Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
   
• It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
   
• Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
   
• Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
   
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
   
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
   
• “Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
   
• Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
   
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
   
• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
   
• Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
   
• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
   
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
   
• Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
   
• Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
   
• Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

check out the previous page of Chuck:

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/17/chuck-norris-facts-iii/

• Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
   
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
   
• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
   
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
   
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
   
• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
   
• A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
   
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
   
• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
   
• Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
   
• Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
   
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
   
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
   
• Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
   
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
   
• Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
   
• Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
   
• The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
   
• Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
   
• If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
   
• Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
   
• The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
   
• Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
   
• The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
   
• Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
   
• The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
   
• Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.
   
• Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
   
• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
   
• A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
   
• It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.
   
• Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
   
• Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
   
• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
   
• Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
   
• Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.
   
• The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
   
• Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
   
• Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
   
• Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
   
• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
   
• Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
   
• ‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
   
• Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
   
• When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
   
• According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
   
• Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
   
• In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
   
• Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
   
• When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
   
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

check out the first and second sets of these posts!

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/chuck-norris-facts/

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/chuck-norris-jokes-2/

• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
   
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
   
• Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
   
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
   
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
   
• Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
   
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
   
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
   
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
   
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
   
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
   
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
   
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
   
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
   
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
   
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
   
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
   
• Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
   
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
   
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
   
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
   
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
   
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
   
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
   
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
   
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
   
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
   
• When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
   
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
   
• When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
   
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
   
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
   
• Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
   
• In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
   
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
   
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
   
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
   
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
   
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
   
• If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
   
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
   
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
   
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
   
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
   
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
   
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
   
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
   
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
   
• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
   
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
   
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
   
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
   
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
   
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
   
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
   
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

check out the first and third of these facts:

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/chuck-norris-facts/

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/17/chuck-norris-facts-iii/

check out the second and third of these posts!

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/chuck-norris-jokes-2/

http://vladerag.wordpress.com/2009/10/17/chuck-norris-facts-iii/

When Chuck Norris falls in water,

Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet.

Water gets Chuck Norris…

Vía: Chuck Norris Facts

Why some people become and remain icons and why some do not is often a mystery. I never thought I’d see the day when a young brow was furrowed at the mention of John Wayne’s name. Conversely, Marilyn Monroe is idolized by people whose parents weren’t even born when she died.

Someone whose celebrity apparently seems destined to endure is … Chuck Norris.

Yes, that Chuck Norris; the one who is still alive and famous for C-grade action movies, Mike Huckabee rallies, and late-night Total Gym infomercials.

Several years ago, the martial arts master became the focus of an internet phenomenon in which he was credited with fictitious and inflated abilities, popularly known as Chuck Norris Facts.

Examples:

— If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
— When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
— Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

The people who are most amused by these absurd statements are, not unsurprisingly, teenage boys. Eventually, these young men brought the Chuck Norris cult of “badassery” into the World of Warcraft online game arena, where they applied the same methods of character enlargement to a Minotaur-like character known as Tauren Saurfang.

This happened because players spent what they felt was an inordinate amount of time trudging past the stoic Saurfang in part of a world called Barren’s Chat. The gamers killed time by creating more myths about Chuck Norris, and, eventually, Saurfang.

Saurfang humor is not as easily appreciated by the general populus:

— The Eye of the Storm battleground was once on the same level as the Netherstorm; that was until, Saurfang made a downward cleave.
— Saurfang once spit, and that pool of spit is known as Darrowmere lake.
— Saurfang soloed Hogger. Enough said.

These jokes apparently are a scream if you are a Druid, Orc, Troll or a Dwarf for the Alliance.

But for those of you who are not, here are some more Chuck Norris Facts:

— Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
— There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
— Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
— Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
— Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
— Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
— There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
— Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
— Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
— There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
— When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
— Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What a badass

1. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are called The Islands
2. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
3. If Chuck Norris has five dollars and you have five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
4. There is no “Ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
5. The only hand that can beat the Royal Flush is Chuck Norris’ hand.
6. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends only blank forms and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had not pay his taxes, ever.
7. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
8. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
9. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
10. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
11. When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
12. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.
13. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pie.
14. Count from one to ten. That’s how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill you… Forty-seven times.
15. Chuck Norris is not politically correct. He is just correct. Always.
16. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting … because he is not acting.
17. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
18. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
19. Those aren’t the credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
20. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
21. Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
22. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
23. In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects that Chuck Norris can kill you with. Including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
25. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Read more Chuck Norris Facts

(Image Source: The Art of Manliness)

]]> http://fromatozowie.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/my-favorite-chuck-norris-%e2%80%98facts%e2%80%99/ Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:14:29 +0000 richardzowie http://fromatozowie.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/my-favorite-chuck-norris-%e2%80%98facts%e2%80%99/

At a store a few weeks ago, I saw a poster of Chuck Norris “facts”. Yes, the movie, TV and martial arts star is well aware of the list. He’s even been on television to discuss his favorites. The list is fictional, but it tickles me endlessly.

Here are my favorites:

Chuck Norris’ blood can be used for gasoline. He hasn’t bled lately, which is why gas prices are so high.

Chuck Norris sued NBC, alleging Law and Order was a copyright infringement on names he gave to his legs.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and still won.

And my all-time favorite:

Before the Boogie Man goes to sleep at night, he always checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Maybe it’s because it’s Monday.  Maybe it’s because I just got my teeth scraped at the dentist.  Maybe it’s because it’s 99 degrees and humid in Atlanta. 

I need to rant.

Ok, first I will rave…a little bit.  I read an article this morning regarding Bud Light’s underwhelming “Drinkability” campaign.  I don’t think it’s possible for me to care less about Bud Light’s sales. I would rather drink carbonated maple syrup, but I digress.  The gist of the story is that Bud Light has strayed from it’s usual ”funny” campaign theme, the theme that allowed “Real Men of Genius” or “Wassup” to enter our lives.  The point is that Bud Light lost an audience by trying something new. 

Fast forward to Dos Equis “The Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign.  It’s probably my favorite beer campaign.  It features catchy one-liners and a silver-haired fox, a win-win in my opinion.  I don’t fully respect the campaign though; it’s far from original.

A few years back, we were all awash in the viral success of  Chuck Norris facts.  And therein lies The Most Interesting Man in the World: he is the high-brow version of Chuck Norris.  This campaign is the high-brow version of “Drinkability.”  And it’s winning awards.  And sales are up. And Dos Equis is yummy. It is a good campaign. I just wish someone would give credit where credit is due.

Um corajoso entrevistador aceitou o desafio de confrontar Chuck Norris.

Para quem não sabe, Chuck Norris virou uma celebridade na web, após o surgimento dos “Fatos sobre Chuck Norris”:

- Chuck Norris não liga o chuveiro. Ele o encara até fazer ele chorar.

- Chuck Norris não coloca gasolina no carro. Ele diz “corra” e o carro sai correndo.

Com a fama de invencível, ele virou uma celebridade na web, na Desciclopédia e em todo o canto.

Here’s the latest video from Weird Al:

Did you know that over 10% of the US population is on anti-depressants? Isn’t that nuts?!?

I say we give them Jesus and Weird Al to cheer them up.

You know Al Yankovic is a member of a Church of Christ, right?

Yes, I’m serious.

That means the above video putting Charles Nelson Reilly on the same level as Chuck Norris is, in fact, church related.

Only one manatee was harmed (for life) in the making of this video.

With all of the recent noise surrounding the “Birther” movement, I pitched a conspiracy theory roundup to my editors at Asylum.  As I was researching the article, I came across this hilarous Chuck Norris Fact:  The Birthers endorse Chuck for President.

There’s a link on the official Birther homepage to the Chuck Norris 2012 page, where you’ll find the answers to the obvious question:

Why Chuck Norris? Do you need to ask?

Actually, I would have said, “Chuck Norris for President? WTF?” I digress.

Our country needs leadership and Chuck is the one to give it to us! He has a strong moral and professional background and is a leader in everything he does. He will uphold the Constitution and protect all of our rights!

Unless you’re gay.

He is respected by our troops and has proven himself financially responsible.

He has already proven that he has a sence of humor!
- If I am elected president – Chuck Norris (06/11/2007)
- If I Am Elected Vice President – Chuck Norris (05/20/2008)
- And don’t forget Chuck Norris Facts

While you are at it, check out The Birthers, Dedicated to the rebirth of our Constitutional Republic.

The strange thing, though, is that the Birther-run Chuck Norris 2012 doesn’t feature any proof at all that Norris is a natural-born US citizen.  What gives?  What’s the difference between Chuck Norris and Barack Obama?  No, it couldn’t be that Norris is white and Obama isn’t.  Why is that the first thing you people always think of?

No, there’s no other conclusion to be drawn.  The entire “Birther” movement was created as a smokescreen to cover up Norris” own Kenyan birth.  Chuckers, unite!  Demand proof that this isn’t true!

ma omoara chestiile alea cu Chuck Norris..  si cu cat sunt mai absurde cu atata sunt mai tari…. o sa pun topul preferintelor mele:

1. Ce face bau-bau ul inainte sa se culce? rasp: se uita sub pat sa nu fie Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris a reusit sa numere pana la infinit…. de 2 ori.

3.Chuck Norris nu are ceas..El da ora exacta

4. Cand face tractiuni, el nu se ridica prin forta bratelor, ci impinge in jos pamantul

5. Pulsul lui Chuck Norris se masoara pe scara richter

6. Chuck Norris nu foloseste picaturi Visine pt ochi.. el foloseste sos tabasco

7.Chuck Norris poate sa porneasca o mashina cu  cabluri de curent legate de sfarcurile lui.

8.Chuck Norris nu are sange.. El e umplut cu lava.

9.Chuck Norris  a construit casa parinteasca in care s-a nascut

10.Chuck Norris poate sa imparta la 0.

In afara topului:

-Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

-Chuck Norris poate sa apalude cu o singura mana

-Cand Chuck Norris scuipa seminte de pepene, face o mitraliera sa se rusineze

-Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!! (suna mai bine in engleza)

-Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Si mai sunt o gramada dar nu mi le amintesc acum.

oricum toata kila de ele e pe http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ lectura placuta

Word: antediluvian [an-tee-di-loo-vee-uhn] adj. 1. of or belonging to the period before The Flood, Gen. 7.8 2. very old, old-fashioned or out of date; antiquated; primitive: antediluvian ideas

Birthday: Raphael (1483), Jean-Baptiste Rousseau (1671), Pasquale Paoli (1725), Merle Haggard (1937), Billy Dee Williams (1937), Barry Levinson (1942), John Ratzenberger (1947), Marilu Henner (1952), Michael Rooker (1957), Frank Black (1965), Sterling Sharpe (1965), Paul Rudd (1969), Zach Braff (1975), Candace Cameron (1976)

Occurrence: 1973 – The American League of Major League Baseball initiates the Designated Hitter rule.

Standpoint: Last fall, the Philadelphia Phillies won The World Series and the entire city let out a collective, “Finally!” There were peaceful impromptu parades down Broad Street. Across the City of Brotherly Love, people who ordinarily wouldn’t talk to each other were embracing like long-lost brothers. Even I broke my “no high-five” rule and slapped hands with countless strangers. Then the official parade and the ensuing ceremony at Citizens Bank Park where Chase Utley declared his team, “World Fuckin’ Champions.” Few cared that the second basemen cursed in front of millions of children. After all, he was just speaking the truth. Hope blanketed the city. Could the Eagles build off the momentum and win The Super Bowl? Turns out they couldn’t. The Sixers? Gonna make the NBA playoffs but expectations are realistically low. The Flyers? One of the most promising young hockey teams in NHL but hardly anyone cares. So, who’s next? It’s all back on the Phillies, of course. Last night, they opened the MLB season with a home game against the Atlanta Braves who hit three home runs in the first two innings, coasting to a relatively easy 4-1 win. It left me wondering about what will happen if the Phillies start out flat. Will the good tidings and cautious optimism carry over from last year? Will the city cheer its team on, knowing it has the talent to take it all? Or will we throw up our hands, concoct a new curse and stop talking to each other again? Only time will tell.

Quotation: Cats are intended to teach us that not in everything in nature has a purpose. – Garrison Keillor

Tune: Finally, a successful Philadelphia band that hasn’t moved to Brooklyn. Dr. Dog is getting bigger by the day. Here’s “My Old Ways”.

Link: Chuck Norris Facts – A list of “facts” about Chuck Norris. Some of them are extremely funny.

Gallimaufry: If you thought dot-matrix printers and Zip drives were gone for good, think again. Those are just two of the items discussed in Harry McCracken’s “Where Are They Now? 25 Computer Products That Refuse To Die”…Looks like The Stone Roses won’t be reuniting for this summer’s Coachella. Bummer…After watching the Philadelphia Flyers’ shootout loss to the Ottawa Senators on Saturday night, I decided something: Claude Giroux is the real deal. His shootout move – while unsuccessful – was pretty frickin’ nasty.

Incoming: Tomorrow – What the hell is up with all the gun violence over the weekend? Wednesday – Update on your Annoying Sayings suggestions. Stay tuned.

Creating a door calendar #1

If you’re a college kid with lots of free time and not too many things to think about, you can spend your minutes surfing adult-only websites, starting an argument with your roommate or playing beer-pong on the porch. I would rather do something creative (okay, and occasionally play some beer-pong). I started using the door calendar in the Fall of 2007. I was looking forward to traveling to Brazil for Xmas. And I wanted to find a good way to keep track of time. Like any experiment, I pretty much didn’t know what I was doing at the beginning. But I knew that I had to start by doing something, anything, with both mind and eyes wide-open. I didn’t want to start working on a definitive, final version of the calendar. Instead, I was interested in discovering things along the way. Well, the academic semester at KSU has 16 weeks. So I decided to create a countdown calendar of weeks. I picked up a blank sheet and printed the number 16 on it, leaving a lot of white space on the page so I could write some stuff on it too. Many interesting things happen over the week. Some things should be remembered. After a while, I realized that there’s enough space on the back of the door of my room to attach 16 sheets.

Door Calendar