Si una mujer mayor te mira de esa forma, solo quiere decir algo: “¡Quiero carne joven!”

“Todavia estoy buenota ¿o no?”

“¡Por fin encontre quien me diera un aventon!”

“¡’Alla les voy, atrapenme, no sean culeros!”  -  ¡No te apures, si te caes, tienes bolsa de aire!

 ¿Has visto la manchada pelicula de La Novia de Chucky? Pues de seguro se han de acordar bien de la supuesta novia del muñeco psicopata. Y por supuesto, lo que mas han de recordar de ella era el monumental par de carnosas montañas que se cargaba (antes de convertirse en una bratz del demonio). Pues bien, esa sabrosa hembra de voz chillona e irritante, es nada menos que la frondosa Jennifer Tilly. La actriz de 51 años, aunque no es muy famosa en estos lare, es bastante popular en USA,  aun cuando se ha movido mas en los circulos de cine independiente y en dobleje de caricaturas (gracias, precisamente, por su insoportable voz).

Aqui en Mexico se le conocio mas gracias a la cinta chafona de El Hijo de Chucky, en la que interpretaba a un version exagerada de si  misma. Despues de esa produccion muchos empezaron a buscar informacion de la cachonda y tetona actriz, dandose cuenta de que ha actuado en docenas de cintas e incluso series de TV.

Aqui en la oficinas de Tiramalenata y Cia. queremos recordarla y darle un pequeño tributo a su tremendo fisico, el cual ha de ser realmente envidiado por mujeres de su edad. A ver, aver, tiranetas ¿a poco no les gustaria encontrarse con una mujer madura, con ese cuerpo y una vasta experiencia de la vida y otras cosa, para que los arrulle en las noches frias? A mi, por lo menos si.

Como nota al margen, Jennifer ha sido nominada al Oscar a la mejor actriz de reparto por la actuación en la película de Woody Allen  Balas sobre Broadway (Bullets Over Broadway) en 1994  y, ademas, ha sido incluida entre las 50 actrices con mejores tetas de Hollywood en el 2007  ¿Como les quedo el ojo, cabrones?

-  Tre’ să scăpăm de Băsescu!
-  Iar vii cu refrenul, măi şmecheraşule? La dracu’, ne-am săturat şi noi de când o tot repeţi ca papagalu-n orice ocazie, la orice vorbă şi în orice scrisoare. Ce, nu se ştie asta, de luni, ani de zile, nu se bate apa-n piuă pe toate canalele? N-avem oameni plătiţi care doar asta fac, în toate ungherele, posturile, ministerele, vaaai, ce plicticos eşti! Ai grijă cu dezbaterea, vezi că nu candidezi la “mister Vama Veche”!
-  De ce mă jigniţi? Vă dau carnetul de membru penele! Cu autograf şi poză! Aţi  uitat ce i-am făcut  la Cluj?  Acuma vă găsiţi să…
-  I-ai făcut, pe naiba! Un filfizon disperat s-apuce la putere!
-  Cosmonăucule, eu ţi-l-am spălat pe iliescu şi eu ţi-l mâzgălesc la loc. Nu te lua de mine, că nu-i soacră-ta aici să te apere.
-  Lăsaţi prostiile că suspendăm alegerile! Pardon, şedinţa! Patriciu spune că dacă şi de data asta dăm chix, ne taie bonurile de masă. Ce să-i transmit? E nervos. După câţi bani a băgat… O  să scăpăm de Băsescu?  Hrebe, zi şi tu!
-  Păi să vedem: două mii de vagoane de rahat de la Securist-Express, din care o mie cinci sute livrate la Voiculescu şi la Vântu. Restul, la alţii, îi ştiţi. Plus pagubele! Povestea cu hayssam, ăia doi care l-au pescuit pe omul de la ani şi s-au înecat ca ţiganii la mal, neisprăviţii de la oengeuri cu prefraudarea care…
-  Problema-i Băsescu! Tre’ să scăpăm de dictator! Pe mine mă ştiţi, sunt om de cuvânt, o să reformez instituţiile statului, am luat deja legătura cu  o serie de şefi de stat, am fost la Kremlin, unde eram aşteptat, cu muzică, am trimis mesaje la Bruxelles, Strasbourg, Casa Albă, patriarhului Daniel, la armată, lu’  Severin, deşi e ocupat săracu’ cu un masterat în “formula apei”  pentru care a refuzat postul de …
- Prostănace, ce faci, repeţi aici, discursu’ ? Crezi că io-s  soacră-ta? Problema eşti tu! Te-ai băgat cu oiştea-n gard şi mai ai tupeul să caşti gura? Vezi să nu-ţi scape o virgulă şi să nu zici ceva-n plus, mai bine  muşcă-ţi limba! Ai grijă, vorbeşti repede, gesticulezi, cu tărie, ca la învăţământu’ politico- ideologic: mult, da’ nu spui nimic. Că şi dom Iliescu ne-a transmis: a venit momentul să scăpăm de trădătorul care a întinat nobilele idealuri ale capitalismului de cumetrie! Hai, la treabă, că mai sunt destule de făcut. Vom frauda şi ideea de fraudă! Vom băga ceaţă! Scandal! Televiziile să ia foc! Să scoată fum! Vom monta sindicatele, oengeurile! Pe Vadim, să sară calul!  Vom opri trenurile, circulaţia! …”Şi totuşi, dacă nu scăpăm?”

 

She's just seen her blind date...

HORROR WEEK at the LL-Publications Blog

Counting down to the release of THE HOLLOWS on Friday 20th November

What scares you the most? Which horror icon is the one that keeps you coming back for more? Who’s the King of Horror? Zombies, Werewolves, Vampires, even Aliens?

Or is there one character you’d definitely hate to meet in a dark alley, your dreams,  or a mist-shrouded graveyard? Perhaps it’s Freddie, Jason, Frankenstein’s monster, Michael Myers, Chucky, the IT clown?

Personally I recall watching the original Alien when it was released. Scared the utter crap out of me. I actually nightmared the whole movie that night and woke up bathed in sweat!

So who hits the fear factor for you?

Jim Brown

LL-Publications

The three people are Chris Moyles, Comedy Dave and Dom from the Radio 1 breakfast show. This is the most fun we have ever seen people have for free, and it is so damn funny to watch  we might have a party to celebrate it!

We laaaave it!

Con un nombre tan de película de segunda de hace un par de décadas casi se puede intuir que el producto que tenemos entre manos es canela en rama. El tema de los crossovers y “Dream matches” ha estado siempre a la orden del día en el mundo del cine, los cómics y por supuesto los videojuegos. Capcom con sus juegos de lucha vs abrió la veda a estos menesteres, siendo estos planteamientos una de las bases de la cadena alimenticia de la voracidad fricosera. “¿Quién ganaría, Hulk o Superman?, ¿Sonic o Mario?, ¿Cañita Brava o Carlos Jesús?

En base a este planteamiento nació hace unos cuantos años este proyecto amateur, que intenta aunar nada menos que a los protagonistas del cine slasher de las últimas décadas y alguna que otra vieja y almidonada estrella del cine de ciencia ficción de los 80 en un juego de lucha que recuerda irremediablemente a aquella moda de los videojuegos de lucha con gráficos pre-renderizados que abanderó Mortal Kombat. ¡Vuestros sueños más húmedos hechos realidad!

Y es que el trabajo de Marc Echave ya tiene sus años. El tío empezó en el 2000 su proyecto bajo la plataforma MUGEN en plan cutre salchichero, capturando los fotogramas de los personajes de modelos 3d bastante simplones que su socio por aquel entonces realizaba. Se ve que se llevaron mal y decidió en 2004 volver a empezar desde cero usando el Fighter Maker 2D (otra plataforma para la creación de juegos como el Mugen) y buscándose a otros colaboradores, de los que conocería al actual grafista que dominaba el modelado 3d a nivel pofesioná y se tomaría bastante en serio el proyecto. Tanto, que a día de hoy el juego se encuentra a más de la mitad de su desarrollo y recientemente ha salido la versión 2.5 de su demo con 7 personajes listos para el despiporre.

Pero vayamos por partes como dijo Jack El destripador (Qué bien traído!). El dream match de marras aúna como antes he comentado a un montón de personajes del subgénero slasher y el terror en general, siendo la selección realmente acertada y que no hace sino encoger de alegría a mi corazoncito sediento de cinematografías pajeras. La plantilla es (o será) la siguiente:

• Freddy Krueger (Pesadilla en Elm Street)
• Michael Myers (Halloween)
• Leatherface (La matanza de texas)
• Ash Williams (Evil Dead)
• Jason Voorhees en dos variantes (Viernes 13)
• Ghostface (Scream)
• Chucky (El muñeco diabólico)
• El hombre alto (Phantasma)
• Matt Cordell (Maniac Cop)
• Candyman (Candyman)
• Pinhead (Hellraiser)
• Doctor Herbert West (Re-animator)

Todos ellos son más que iconos del cine contemporáneo y el mero hecho de verlos juntos pegándose de torrijas es ya un argumento más que decisivo para probar la demo de marras. Quizás el incluir al poli deforme de Maniac Cop deja un poco descolocado a la mayoría, más que nada porque esta trilogía que iba de un poli que vuelve de entre los muertos para vengarse de peña y talicual no tuvo mucha repercusión por estos lares más allá de servir de doble fondo en las estanterías de los videoclubs. Salvo este detalle, el resto de los implicados rebosa carisma por todos lados, y no se echa prácticamente a nadie en falta, aunque un vengador tóxico, una pelotera de critters o poniéndonos más contemporaneos, un Puzzle de la saga Saw o un Hannibal Lecter hubieran tenido cabida, pero creo que con eso ya nos  iríamos de madre y tendrían cabida muchos otros más personajes, y para pajas mentales ya tiene cada uno con lo suyo.

“Esta es mi escoba de fuego!”

Desde luego, la ambientación y documentación de todo lo que se presenta está muy estudiada. Los movimientos de cada uno hacen referencia a sus aptitudes en las películas. Así, Freddy utilizará su guante y podrá estirar sus miembros o transformarse en una masa informe como en uno de los sueños de la segunda parte. Ash utilizará su sierra mecánica o su puño biónico e incluso alzará a los muertos con su atemporal Klaatu barada. Igualmente, los escenarios son la pera limonera, con crossovers imposibles como ver estanterías repletas del muñeco Chucky en la sección infantil de almacenes S-Mart (Compre elegante, compre en S-Mart!) o el laboratorio de la universidad donde hace sus guarradas con suero verde el Doctor West.

“Lo peor de ser un muñeco es no tener po**a!”

Dejando un poco a un lado el inevitable sentimiento de afinidad con el jueguecito en cuestión, hay que reconocer que todavía dista mucho de poseer una jugabilidad acorde con un título comercial, recordando la tosquedad del control en algunos momentos a esos clones del Mortal Kombat y Primal Rage que deambulaban por la Atari Jaguar y demás mamotretos de la quinta generación de consolas. Eso sí, el apartado gráfico y las animaciones son idóneas con ese saborcillo retro a pre renderizado, por lo que con un poco de trabajo en el apartado del control y los movimientos se quedará esta obra lista para sentencia.

Poco más que añadir. En la página oficial como ya he comentado están los enlaces de descerga de la última demo, en la que tan solo podremos utilizar a siete monstruitos, cuatro o cinco escenarios y un simplón modo de un jugador y otro versus. Suficiente para que cojas a tu colega el cinéfilo gafapasta y le invites a tu casa a reíros un rato y acabar viendo a altas horas de la madrugada alguna película de Wes Craven.

Ah, claro, la web: http://www.terrordrome-thegame.com/

So let me set the scene… Couple nights ago wanted to watch a DVD on the ‘Home Entertainment System’ Ive got set up in my room [stolen from my house in London ] and wondered why it wasn’t coming up on the TV. Must of been a cable problem so adjusted everything and plugged it all in the right places, take 2, nothing. So then I thought ill just wack it in and hope for the best, now the thing won’t close!. Got down to have a look and noticed something was shaking around in there, being in the ‘DIY Man’ mood I grabbed my tools and opened the beast up. Too my shock and horror I find…

Yep, Bride of Chucky the DVD sitting INSIDE of my DVD player. I think it is destined for the tip now, another excuse to set up the Xbox, but Chucky OMG I forgot I even owned that!

Gave up on the DVD player that night and decided to watch the film on my laptop. The film you ask?

The one and only! Some think its the film that turned Michael Bay crazy, I absolutely love it!. Watched it again and again for many years from my childhood to where I am today and would watch it at any time.

Anyone played the new COD MW2? References much!

D

Movie Poster 27x40

Seed of Chucky (also known as Child’s Play 5: Seed Of Chucky, Child’s Play 5 or SOC) is a 2004 American horror film, which is the fifth entry in the popular Child’s Play series. Seed of Chucky follows the events of Bride of Chucky and stars Jennifer Tilly (who plays herself and also voices Tiffany), Billy Boyd (as the voice of Glen/Glenda), and Brad Dourif (as Chucky). The film features rapper Redman, director John Waters and S Club star Hannah Spearritt. It was written and directed by Don Mancini, who created Child’s Play and has written all sequels to date. With this entry, Mancini marked his directorial debut.

The film, shot in Romania, continues the series’ evolution from the pure-horror genre of the first movie to a hybrid horror-comedy. Besides spoofing other horror movies, the film references domestic dramas and tabloid television. This film also counts as the first film in the series to contain nudity.

Buy this title only $9.99

Jennifer Tilly

Trivia:

• The script was originally offered to Universal in 1998, who turned it down. Focus Features (a division of Universal Studios) finally picked up the movie in 2003.
• Filmed on the largest soundstage in Romania and the second-largest soundstange in Europe where Cold Mountain (2003) was also shot.
• Because Focus Features has a reputation for yielding eloquent, “artsy” independent films, Rogue Pictures was created as an off-shoot to release this movie.
• Jennifer Tilly wanted to lose weight to play herself in the movie, but she and Don Mancini inserted “fat jokes” into the script in case she didn’t make it.
• The TV spots for this movie displays an unusual disclaimer: Britney Spears Does Not Appear In This Movie. This disclaimer was inserted into TV spots because Britney’s management was concerned that people might be lead to believe that Britney actually appears in the movie. It is not her in the movie; but a look-alike.
• The wife of the man Tiffany calls to apologize to is the widow of the cop she killed at the beginning of Bride of Chucky (1998).
• The gender confused child of Chucky and Tiffany is named either Glen or Glenda by his parents. Glen or Glenda (1953) was Edward D. Wood Jr.’s film in which Wood himself portrayed the transvestite known as Glen or Glenda.
• When the floor manager at the beginning of the film shouts “Hey, Tiffany’s left arm is loose again” and then the arm grabs his crotch, this is an in-joke as revealed on the DVD commentary for Bride of Chucky (1998). Jennifer Tilly explains that Chucky’s left arm kept grabbing her breasts during shoots.
• The First film to be made by Rogue Pictures.
• As revealed on the DVD’s commentary the directors and producer had difficulty agreeing on the look of Glen. The director wanted to give him his own look and style but the producer felt that he should have features similar to Chucky because after all Glen is his son. As a result Glen was given blue eyes, red hair, and freckles like Chucky. Glen’s blue eyes and red hair however are a different shade than Chucky’s.
• As revealed on the DVD commentary because of the low budget the crew were unable to shoot the much bigger Chucky vs Glen fight that was in the shooting script.
• Chris Sarandon was approached to reprise his role as Det. Mike Norris from the first film, but turned it down due to scheduling conflicts.

Child’s Play is a 1988 American horror film, written by Don Mancini and directed by Tom Holland. It was released on November 9, 1988. The film met with moderate success upon its release, and has since developed a cult following among fans of the horror genre. The film is the first in the Child’s Play film series, which was originally a whodunit film in contrast to the latter sequels. This was the only film in the series released by MGM/UA, as the rights to the series were sold to Universal beginning with the sequel.

Taglines

You’ll wish it was only make-believe.

Andy Barclay has a new playmate who’s in no mood to play.

This doll is killer.

Cast
  Catherine Hicks … Karen Barclay
  Chris Sarandon … Mike Norris
  Alex Vincent … Andy Barclay
  Brad Dourif … Charles Lee Ray/Chucky
  Dinah Manoff … Maggie Peterson
  Tommy Swerdlow … Jack Santos
  Jack Colvin … Dr. Ardmore
  Neil Giuntoli … Eddie Caputo

Buy this Title on DVD

Make Up Department
  Michael Hancock … makeup artist
  Marina Pedraza … hair stylist

Special Effects Department
  Howard Berger … shop supervisor: chucky construction crew
  Richard O. Helmer … special effects supervisor
  Rick Lalonde … lab technician: chucky construction crew
  Ron Pipes … hair: chucky construction crew
  Zandra Platzek … hair: chucky construction crew
  James D. Schwalm … special effects
  Carl Sorensen … lab technician: chucky construction crew
  Christopher Swift … lab technician: chucky construction crew
  Kevin Yagher … designer and executor: “Chucky” doll
  Mark C. Yagher … shop assistant: chucky construction crew
  James Kagel … lead sculptor

Child's Play Chucky Doll

Visual Effects Department
  Peter Donen … visual effects supervisor
  Joseph Yanuzzi … visual effects editor

Amazon Specials!

ABC has run promos for All My Children (AMC) that are obviously false.  I initially thought I wouldn’t  post this on  blogs other than the one at Soap Central because it  involves a show with fewer viewers than live in  the 33rd most populous state, Arkansas.  However,  I realized that  a network that will lie in promos for one show  will likely lie in promos about other shows.

ABC  claimed that the program would  reveal the “real killer” of the character Stuart Chandler in the May 15 episode.  Judging from the shows that have appeared thus far this month,  AMC is not going to reveal the real killer.

Instead the head writer of AMC Charles “Chucky” Pratt Jr. has decided to name someone who could not possibly have committed the crime as presented in May.  He has in effect  rewritten the scene so that three characters who were pointing guns at the victim before the shooting just disappeared.

Viewers probably shouldn’t have been surprised  at this blatant disception.  AMC had promoted the May 15  episode as having a major character being killed.  Instead, the victim was a character who had been appearing only infrequently.

David Canary convincingly played both the major character Adam Chandler and his physically identical twin brother Stuart.  They were opposites in terms of personality.  Adam is a ruthless control freak who is usually seen wearing a coat and tie. Stuart was the “nicest guy in town” who was usually more casually dressed.

The writers initially made it appear that Adam had been killed,  but  the characters subsequently discovered that Stuart was the victim. Deception within a show is a acceptable dramatic device, but deception to get people to watch is a form of fraud.  Producers of a commercial product who used similar advertising might face criminal prosecution.

In the murder scene three people [one (Kendall Slater) outside and two (Zach Slater and David Hayward) inside] are shown pointing guns at the  man they  believe to be Adam Chandler but actually is his twin brother Stuart wearing his suit coat.   The inside lights have been turned off  by another character as part of another story line. Exterior lights appear to still be on and there is occasional lightning.

The camera doesn’t show the actually shooting, but a hole in a glass terrace door indicates the shot came from outside.  The murder weapon  is the revolver  held outside by Kendall, the mother of Zach’s child and occasionally his wife.

In the next episode,  Zach fires the murder weapon within the vicinity of a police officer and then surrenders when he realizes he cannot get away with the revolver.  Zach then confesses to the murder to the police chief      Zach owns the local casino with an occasional implication he could be a possible  “relative” of Tony Soprano. Police chief Jessie Hubbard subsequently reveals that fingerprints of both  Kendall and Zach are on the murder weapon.

Zach and Kendall wanted to kill Adam because they falsely believed that a faulty heart valve made by Adam’s company had caused the death of their infant son. They didn’t know a doctor had  revived the son after they have left for the Chandler mansion.

After the shooting  Kendall  is shown  fleeing the murder scene with long time friend and occasional lover Ryan  Lavery.   When they arrive at the hospital to check on Kendall’s son,  Kendall remarks to Ryan “I need to remember why we did this.[kill the man they believed to be Adam].”  Ryan replies, “you didn’t kill Adam, Zach did.”

Ryan’s  statement may indicate a conspiracy in which Zach has decided to take the fall for the crime to protect the mother of his child.   Both statements indicate knowledge of the crime that they could only have gained by  at least witnessing  it.

Sometime later Kendall confesses to the murder just before the DA plans to prosecute her.  Kendall and Zach subsequently remarried so they could not be compelled to testify against each other.

The recent portrayal of the murder has Adam Chandler standing outside where Kendall was and pointing the gun inside.  The writers want us to believe he shoots his twin under the delusion he is shooting himself.

There has been a suggestion that he was shooting at his reflection in the glass terrace door which would have made it impossible for him to have hit his brother who was off to the side and  out of that line of fire.   The limited lighting inside, from a fireplace, makes it unlikely he would have thought his brother was himself, although someone expecting to see Adam in the room might have falsely assumed the white “mane” of hair meant the man was Adam.

Considering that at least five people were looking for Adam at the time, it is virtually impossible for him to have been in that location without being seen.  If he had pointed the gun toward the inside, the two armed men inside would have seen him easily  and opened up on him knowing that they could have claimed to have fired in self defense.

If he had committed the crime how would Kendall and Ryan have known about it and how would Zach have obtained the murder weapon?  If Adam killed Stuart why weren’t his  fingerprints on the gun along with Zach’s and Kendall’s?

AMC has become an Alice in Wonderland type world  presided over by its own Mad Hatter, head writer  “Chucky” Pratt.    The writers  are apparently incapable of coming up with a new story line to replace the murder one, so they are artificially perpetuating the Stuart murder story line by changing what happened and deliberately lying by claiming they are now identifying the real killer.

Those of us who remember the murder episode know that the writers are lying about the possibility  of Adam Chandler being the “real killer”.  Unfortunately. those who didn’t see it or have forgotten what happened in the murder episode may be deceived by these claims  and watch the farce the program has become.  We cannot be sure that  AMC  won’t come back in another month or two and claim someone else is  the “real killer”

Incidentally. I am continuing to watch the program as an historian who is interested in the decline of network television.  If I had been a fan of the show I would have given up on it long ago due in part to the highly repetitive dialogue of some characters.

In the long run successful advertising depends upon the  credibility of the advertiser.  ABC as an advertiser no longer has any credibility.

A network that lies about what will happen on one show will lie about other shows.  It probably isn’t illegal for television networks to falsely advertise programs.  The only recourse for viewers is to ignore promos by networks that have been known to lie.

I wouldn’t watch any ABC program based on an ad on the network. For that matter, I wouldn’t attend, rent or buy a new Disney movie based on advertising because I don’t believe I can trust ABC Disney to tell the truth.

I wonder how  many people realize  that the “new” series “V” is actually a remake of an 80’s series of the same name. The new series may, or may not, be consistent with that series.

Broadcasters receive licenses based on serving the public interest.  A network that lies to attract viewers is not acting in the public interest. The FCC should consider revoking ABC’s license allowing it to own individual television stations.

Fallait s’y attendre que je prendrais un break de Star Trek. Le film sort cette semaine en DVD et j’ai juste vraiment pas envie de me le procurer. Dire que c’est à cause de cette horreur que je suis devenue fan de la meilleure série au monde.

Parlant de meilleure série au monde, je vais vous dévoiler le nouveau garçon dans ma vie. Il est tout chubby, cute et roux et un brin psychopathe. Non je ne parle pas de Hyacinthe. Mon nouvel amour c’est CHUCKY!!!

J’ai remarqué dernièrement que beaucoup de gens ont une peur atroce des poupées. les films comme Child’s Play et Poltergeist ont vraiment fait développer une phobie de la bébelle hantée (Toy Story 1 aussi quand on y pense). Mais, as an adult, je regarde les Chucky et sérieux, JE L’ADORE CETTE FUCKING POUPÉE! Je le trouve super sympathique. J’aime ses pseudo-techniques de persuasion avec sa voix douce de tueur qui croit son p’tit Andy super naïf. “Reviens Andy, je promet de ne plus te tuer!” yeah mon cul!

Et je regardais cet extra sur mon un de mes DVDs (j’ai les 5 films) et j’adore la façon qu’il ont développé la poupée et comment il devient peu à peu humain sans qu’on s’en rende compte. J’avais jamais vu les sourcils qui se mettent à pousser et le regard qui devient de plus en plus vivant. C’EST DE LA CRISS DE BONNE JOB D’ARTISTE ÇA! Sérieux, vive les films de catins tueuses (non je parle pas de Megan Fox) pis longue vie éternelle à Charles Lee Ray et vivement le remake du premier film annoncé pour 2010 (sauf si y’a de l’animation 3D dedans).

<3

Leave it to puppets more terrifying than Chucky to help lost souls find Jesus. They should know, since it looks like each doll just rose straight from the pits of Hell.

I’ve gotta go take a cold shower.

~Katie Allyn

Death and dishonor.

The Raider Nation is a battered wife praying for a savior. We talk about the death of Al Davis like Christians talk about the birth of Jesus. We think that all of our problems stem from the man up stairs, and that doesn’t mean the omnipotent one. We had John ‘Chucky’ Gruden who took us deep into the playoff for the first time in forever. Then uncle Al makes him run away. But not to be out done we use the system that ‘Chucky’ designed and run with it all the way to the super bowl. Only in a perfect Raider story do you play the championship game against the man whose system you hijacked. But we did, so we lost.

Often times I wonder if the Raider’s will ever win again. They are so pathetic that you can’t get jealous when you see other teams make the right changes and begin to turn around. When you look across the water and see what Mike Singletary is doing with that other bay area team, and you look at Tom Cable who almost went to jail, you look toward Alameda and shake your head asking ‘why’. Why is this team so ‘jacked up’? Why am I still wearing this Raiders t-shirt? Why am I going to the game on November 15^th? Why do I care that Michael Bush doesn’t get enough carries? Why am I irritated every time JaMarcus Russell makes a pass that would be too high even for Yao Ming? Why am I passing on this tradition of rooting for losers, to unsuspecting children?

Born in the bay.

I was 8 years old when I got my first taste of life as a Raiders fan. It was 1988 and I was in the third grade. There was a sports store across interstate 80 in Vallejo, where I lived from 1983 to 1990. My father wanted to buy me a starter jacket. We looked for my size but couldn’t find any jackets that fit. We were ready to leave but my father couldn’t leave without asking if there were any in the back. Of course, like always, there weren’t any. The guy behind the counter asked what my size was, we told him and he suggested we try the jacket on the mannequin in the front window. I could feel my disappointed turn to excitement as I watched the store owner pull the jacket off the mannequin. I hadn’t tried it on but I had already decided that it was going to fit no matter what. My dad helped me put the jacket on. The sleeves were a little long but as far I was concerned it was a perfect fit. My dad asked, “Does it fit okay”. I said, “Yes”, with a smile. My dad paid the $50.00 that the jacket cost and I didn’t even have to take it off. We went home and I got my outfit ready for the next day of school.

The next morning I put on my black Levis. I had two pair because my favorite rapper ‘Eazy-E’ wore black Levis. He also wore a starter jacket so I was in heaven this morning. I put my jacket on, and my Nike Cortez then started my journey to Elsa Wiedeman elementary school. I thought I was a ‘big shot’, and there wasn’t a man alive that could tell me anything different.

My teacher had us line up outside of the classroom before the bell rang for school to start. I was standing there looking good when all of a sudden a kid in my class, whose name I don’t remember but I can see his face as I’m writing, said “you like the raiders!”. I said, “Yeah”, as if to say ‘who doesn’t like the raiders’. He laughed, then looked me directly in the eye and said, “Uhh! The raiders are weak”. That was the 80’s way of saying they suck. That day I was baptized into the ‘Nation’, for this would be one of many times that I would have to go to battle for my team. It took every ounce of Christian I had in me to not hit that boy, tackle him, or kick him in the nuts. Instead, a verbal altercation ensued and I was forced to stand up for My Team, My Fathers Team, and the team of my future children. So what if the 49ers, our cross bay rivals, were the team of the 80’s. I was representing the Oakland Raiders the only problem was the raiders were in L.A.

My knowledge of the raiders was limited due to my weekly church attendance preventing me from watching the games. I was only able to catch a Monday night or Sunday evening game. Despite my lack of raider knowledge I wore my jacket with pride, and never backed down to any ‘Niner’ fan with a bone to pick.

The wonder years.

As the years went on I witnessed the Bo Jackson era, and finally the return of my beloved Raiders to the place of their birth, and their rightful home, Oakland California. By this time I had move to Vancouver Washington, and then Vacaville California. The competition was just as tough if not worse in Vacaville. At this time the Dallas Cowboys were America’s team and the 49ers had the heart of the Bay Area. I rooted for the 49ers to win the super bowl one year so my mother made the mistake of thinking they were my team. That Christmas she bought me a framed poster of a 49ers helmet. I never wanted to disappoint my mom on Christmas. It wasn’t always easy, but never the less, I acted like it was the best present I had ever received. I reluctantly hung the poster on my wall and tried to ignore it. That poster was the source of many arguments between me and my friend Jason, a die hard Cowboys fan and part time Raider fan. He constantly challenged my allegiance to ‘The Team’. I had no doubt who my team was though, so I served in silence until I joined the Navy in 1999 and moved out of my mother’s house.

A not-so-Super-bowl.

From 1999 to 2002 I was unable to watch football, let alone cable television. I could only read, and hear second hand reports about the raider’s short lived rise to greatness. The Armed Forces Network, a military T.V. network, played the NFL playoffs in 2001 and 2002. It was weird watching football on Monday morning, the time difference in Japan is 16 to 17 hours, but I was able to witness the tuck rule fiasco, and finally a super bowl featuring the Raider’s. I sat in my barracks’ room alone as I watched the opening ceremony. From the beginning I sensed something was wrong. The looks on the player’s faces didn’t say, ‘we’re going to win’. Their faces said, ‘we’re in over our heads’. My suspicion was that they weren’t confident, and they didn’t waste any time proving me right.

I watched the Tampa Bay Buccaneers be introduced as a team, a first for the super bowl. They were hyped up, and took that excitement all the way to the end zone, time and time again. This was by far the most disappointing loss I’ve had the displeasure of witnessing.

The next 6 years just built on that disappointment and brings us to the present. I wore a raiders t-shirt every Monday of the 2006-2007 NFL season. When everyone at work was down talking the raider’s I stepped up and represented the nation like a soldier. I even bought some of those Oakland Raiders license plate frames.

My first Raider game.

I finally went to my fist game in 2008. My friend Derrick had an extra ticket and asked me to go. I was surprised at how many people in the stands got in for free. I could tell because that was their excuse for why they were there. I heard numerous phone conversations where someone was explaining why in the world they were at a Raiders game. They openly told Raider jokes and laughed at the Raiders as they lost their umpteenth game in two years.

I had heard stories about the atmosphere at the coliseum, but it was nothing like what I actually witnessed. I was waiting for the beer to fly but I got nothing but straight faces and no body movement. I couldn’t believe it. I thought to myself, “is this what we are now, a bunch of punks who let anybody in our stadium”. I thought, “They’re not even afraid to talk trash out loud. What has the world come to?” The only glimmer of hope was the black hole. I saw them throw things at a taunting receiver from the opposing team. That put air back into my lungs and got my heart rate down. I left that game, the last home game of the season, saying what I had always said since 1988, “maybe next year”.

Next year.

Next year came and went. The Raiders sucked as bad as they could, but one glorious day in January they got their revenge on the Buccs’, and John Gruden. We beat the Buccs’ ensuring that they would not go to the playoffs. It didn’t do us any good though, because we didn’t even finish over .500.

That year I watched Jamarcus Russell hold out for the first few weeks of the season. The year before that Randy Moss dogged it the entire season. He came, he saw, and got out of dodge. From here on out when a player ‘dogs it’ to inspire a trade, I call it ‘Randy Mossing it’. The latest example of that is Braylon Edwards who Randy Moss’d the Cleveland Browns.

With all the dysfunction involved in the Raider Organization, and the threat of a black out every time the raiders play a home game, my heart still bleeds silver and black. That is, if they don’t move to Los Angeles.

Nor-Cal kids.

As a Nor-Cal kid you have to come to the realization that people think of L.A. as the entire state of California, or the whole west coast for that matter. Everything about California that gets any publicity is based in southern California. So when the Bay Area gets any kind of attention it’s cherished and appreciated.

The Bay Area has a totally different identity than southern California. There has been a quiet competition between the two regions for a long time. When the Raiders left Oakland the first time, they lost many fans to the 49ers. We bay area people look for representation. The Raiders are useless to us without an Oakland address.

From the Bay to L.A.

I wasn’t around for the first departure, so I don’t now what it feels like to have your team move. But just the thought of it makes me cringe. I don’t know how I could continue to defend this team after all the years of going to war for them just to have them abandon me. They have been a major part of my existence for my entire life. I feel like a Raiders move would be a divorce. My love is for the Bay first. I was born into the nation and had only known of the being in L.A., but dreamt of them coming back to the bay. The Raiders coming home was like meeting a relative that I had never seen in person. We’ve bonded and our relationship has grown. So if they leave, this time I’ll take it personal. I’ll burn every piece of Raider paraphernalia I have. I’ll have to explain to my three sons why that Raiders blanket that was draped over my lawn chair/office chair is in the trash. My wife will need an explanation for why she hasn’t seen any of my five Raiders t-shirts in the laundry. Who knows, I may have to explain to Derrick why I’m wearing a Frank Gore jersey. I can’t even picture that, but hey, hell just might freeze over.