One of these nights
When words are
Too heavy
When the darkness is
Too cold

Lay me down
Beside you
Flesh against flesh
Warm and tender
Under llamas wool

Let our dreams
Come and go
Like fingertips

Grazing temples
And souls

In the midst of breath
Between us

Loose
Unbound
And
Gentle

For the duration of
One winter’s night

One blue moon
One light in the shadows

From spellbound dusk
Till breaking dawn

For just a few hours
Banish the hate
Shut out the fear
And despair

Forget you don’t know
How to love

Find reprieve
With me
In the silence

Of night

In the act
Of silent

Communion

Dressed for the afternoon.  A turtleneck, black jeans, boots, and a little somethin’ – somethin’ underneath…just for my baby.  I don’t usually tell Hubby stories about where I’m going…especially, when it comes to Stephen.  But I did today. Why?  Not sure…but I did.  So I hid my lingerie under my street clothes.

Long, black, wool, winter coat  – it was chilly today – covering the clothes I was wearing.  Before I showed up at Stephen’s office, I went to a local grocery store and pulled my jeans and turtleneck off and left my nightie and underbritches on with my naughty boots…wrapped myself up in my coat and off I went.  I got out of the car (after waiting for my chronically, delightfully tardy lover) and walked into the office, dropped my things on the filing cabinet and propped my happy ass up on the desk, with legs crossed and coat still on. 

“Hello, baby,” he said as he kissed me sweetly.  I promptly unbuttoned my coat and slowly slipped it off and dropped it back on the desk.   “I have to get my camera and capture  you right there.”  I sat still and looked into the camera as if I was looking at him – wait…I was and was looking at him like I always do – with great affection.  He took lots of pictures of my tits, my back, my smile…and the two of us kissing.

We moved to the futon…and he made a video of us kissing and touching…”I think it’s important to take video of us kissing…it shows us how sexy it can be.”  I couldn’t agree more.  I loved watching us connecting.

I rolled over onto my tummy and he started at the top of my boots and licked to the back of my knees.  It is amazing how this man can find the one place, at any given moment, that can send me into a tailspin.  He, orally, made love to the backs of my knees.  I could hardly contain myself.  I had to look back to watch him doing it.  He caught my gaze and our eyes locked.  Connection, indeed.

This man, made sure that I knew that he is my boy…he licked and fucked me like a champ.  “You make me feel like no one else has…,” I said.  “I’m glad to hear that,” he said.    He slid my legs together, closely and slid his cock into me from behind…he held my hands and kissed me deeply.  (I secretly started to cry…I didn’t want him to see.) 

As he came, he gripped my shoulders hard and groaned as he blew deep inside of me.  I live for that shit.  I live for his shit.  I turned my head and realized that he saw my tears.  He wiped them away as I said, “I didn’t want you to see that.  It was just a rush of emotion.  I’m sorry.”  “Never worry about that, baby,” Stephen said. 

Dammit.  Every time we fuck, he kicks my ass.  I’m smitten.

Following on from centrality normalisation are graph-wide centralisation measures.  These too were defined by Freeman.  The following are implementations in R.  They have been checked against test networks and match the values produced by Pajek.

degree.centralisation <- function(graph, ...) {
  deg <- degree(g, ...)
  n <- vcount(graph)
  (max(deg)*n - sum(deg)) / (n*n - 3*n +2)
}

betweenness.centralisation <- function(graph, ...) {
  bet <- betweenness(graph, ...)
  n <- vcount(graph)
  2 * (max(bet)*n - sum(bet)) / (n*n*n - 4*n*n + 5*n - 2)
}

closeness.centralisation <- function(graph, ...) {
  if (!is.connected(graph)) warning("This graph is disconnected; calculation\
  of closeness centrality on a disconnected graph is only possible because\
  igraph assumes a non-infinite distance (that is equal to the number of\
  vertices in the network) between two disconnected vertices.")
  clo <- closeness(g, ...)
  n <- vcount(graph)
  (max(clo)*n - sum(clo))*(2*n - 3) / (n*n - 3*n + 2)
}

Hubby was telling me about something that happened to him when he got into bed last night.  He said that I immediately cuddled up on him and started rubbing his head, his back, his arms…snuggled up against him, wrapped my arms around him, then abruptly woke up a little surprised to find him there.

Have you ever remembered a dream – a day or so later – that you really couldn’t put your finger on, at the time, but it made complete sense, once someone brought it to your attention?  That’s what happened to me.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in bed and Stephen got in with me and I was rubbing on his head and his body.  I remembered how wonderful I felt having him next to me and how excited I was to have him in my bed.  I remembered wrapping my arm around his belly and loving on him – feeling so warm and wonderful…pulling myself closer to him, melting into his body and how I wanted this to be the way it felt every night.

Then I woke up.

Damn. It was just a dream.

You came into my life unexpectedly,
and everything took a turn for the better.
Your warm eyes, your laugh,
the sincere way you speak,
and the kindness you showed me,
all became a part of my life.

As you unfolded yourself to me,
I discovered more and more beauty.
I have never seen so much
gentleness in one person.
Without even knowing it,
you were slowly making a place
for yourself in my heart.

It used to seem so hard at times
to feel so close in a relationship.
But it’s so easy to feel close to you.
I can’t tell you how nice that feels.
I realize now that I had never known
what it meant to be loved
until I was loved by you.

“I’m scared to look cuz I’m scared to see
I’m scared of you cuz I’m scared of me”

“Fear” – Jazmine Sullivan

I could have quoted the whole damn song for this post, to be honest – the lyrics are so well-written and true. (Give it a listen sometime – I’m sure it’s on youtube.) The last few days, I’ve been thinking that I sorta scare myself in some ways.  The intensity of the feelings I have for the man I want, whom I can never have.  But it’s not really about that.

He’s not single.  If we ever did get together, it would be the destruction of a family, the trust and love and everything that’s been built into that.  I’ve been privileged enough, even after us only knowing each other for 2 months, to witness that first hand when I’ve been invited round to his house.  When I was a child, I used to resent my father for never being there, and I used to be somewhat scared of him when he was.  To see the kind of man, husband and father that my friend is, really tells me that that he is who I want to be in 10 years.  He’s an inspiration.  And yet, why can’t I stop these feelings?  Why am I so selfish as to even consider risking destroying the family he’s built, and depriving a young son (3 years old) of the very same things I didn’t have, when I know first-hand how miserable it is to grow up with a father who is only physically there a small amount of the time, and emotionally absent during even those times?  That’s what scares me about myself.

He’s in my dreams near enough every night. We text each other a lot when we’re not physically together. I haven’t felt this way about anyone since the teenage crushes I went through (you know what it’s like – we’ve all been there), and it scares me that rather than having grown up and gotten past these kinds of feelings, I can still get wrapped up in them.  Most of the time, to have such a close bond with someone and to share the same sense of humour and emotional insights (despite our different lives) brings me such joy and security. In my current desolate home situation (and the lengthy boredom that is my placement at the moment!), it’s a light in the darkness.  But occasionally, when I’m alone I miss him so much.  When he texts me, it lights up my morning or evening. It feels like we are linked, even across the distance. And when he doesn’t text me, I’m almost devastated and I start getting paranoid that I’ve done something to harm our friendship.  Yep, it’s textbook infatuation. So what do I do with it?

It scares me that I don’t know.  Feelings aren’t something you can just make go away with the click of a finger.  And I don’t want to change anything about our relationship – it’s precious and rare! Although I guess I’m quite a popular person, I still consider myself to have but a handful of truly close friends, and I don’t want to stop him from becoming one of them. So I am not willing to be apart from him, and I don’t know if that is necessarily the answer. I’m never going to reveal my feelings for fear of alienating him – not that we don’t flirt! Our relationship can be quite suggestive and flirtatious. But I try and monitor myself so it’s not OTT – and he reciprocates plenty!  So there’s an innocence and a fun to it, which is enjoyable. I don’t want to jeopardise that either by being too honest and full-on, nor by suddenly becoming aloof. It would hurt him and it would not be genuine.  So I guess I have to continue and wait for my feelings to fade and rationale to win out… and try not to do anything stupid. And while I may be scared at the fantasies in my head possibly coming true, I know that I can hold back.  Most of the time. Hopefully my fears are unfounded.

wow jam packed past few days. hung out a lot with anthony! on thursday we watched land of the lost. love that movie. and attempted to watch this one called wedding slashers…it was crap. and then we watched tamara. stayed up til like 4 in the morning and then woke up at 9:30 oh gosh.

friday…picked up kenny. punk ass wasn’t awake when i went grr. haha. we listened to some music and watched up. such a cute movie. and then we went and got my check and to pick up anthony from work. we talked for a bit in the car. he opened up to some things that are quite personal. and i to him. it’s interesting what you learn about someone and how far in sometimes that they’ll let you go. or how far you will let them dabble in your life.

then we went to red robin. yum. and saw final destination, it was alright. i think kenny and i are going to go see paranormal activity on monday. i’m really excited to see that. went down to the lobster shop for a minute, then went to anthony’s and watched the number 23, i really liked it. there was quite a bit of sex in it though, not that that’s bad or anything and then we went to wincos where i stole 2 pounds of candy on accident. no seriously it was an accident! i would have paid! and we started watching skeleton crew but that again was terrible. the cover looked good and it sounded good but terrible quality. anthony and kenny both suck at picking movies.

woke up at 1, haha and smoked and talked. brian and leanne came to get kenny for disney on ice tonight. got super irritated. came home. ate some dinner and watched the ugly truth with my dad and brother. got my first letter from brandon! so super excited about that, gonna write him back tonight after work!

then went to julena’s for a bit, went to walmart and we went back to her house and watched some tv and she made me an amazing mix. she makes the most awesome mixes ever. love that girl.

got super irritated today because i’m so fed up with people pretending to be my friend. if you don’t want to be my friend then fucking tell me so i can stop trying. tell me and i swear i’ll leave you alone and go away like you want. just man up for once in your fucking life. quit being so pathetic it makes me sick to my stomach. i’ve had a lot of shit already happen this year i don’t want or need any more drama.

1. thing to realize and remember is that the more time you spend with someone you love the closer the relationship becomes. The more you begin to share deeper things, the more they begin to share deeper things with you. The more we know who God is through his word through time in prayer, through time in listening, the more we will become intimate with him. The disciples who followed Jesus around day and night over time became intimate because time was being spent. A lot of time. Peter, James, and John were even closer in there relationship with him. It paints a picture that we have a choice in how close or how distant we as Christians can be with our creator.

1 Corinthians 2:10-12 ¹⁰But we know these things because God has revealed them to us by his Spirit, and his Spirit searches out everything and shows us even God’s deep secrets. ¹¹No one can know what anyone else is really thinking except that person alone, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. ¹²And God has actually given us his Spirit (not the world’s spirit) so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us.

Have you ever noticed that when you are close to someone you don’t want to hurt that person. Not because it’s a rule, but because it has become your desire. The same is true for God, the closer we get to him, the more we become in love with him and want to please him and the less we want to please ourselves. Not because our worth to God is in how well we perform but because we begin to see anything that would try to come between that intimacy as an enemy.

Often times when I read about the intimate words that David writes in the Psalms regarding God and his enemies another picture is painted. Yes David was dealing with real enemies in his own life and also personal inner enemies as well. Often in our own relationship with God the enemies our the desires that run contrary to God’s plan for us in the long run of our lives. Those things that block us from our desire to be closer to him. His desire is always to be closer to us, more intimate with us.

The question is are there any enemies in our own lives that need to get a beat down so that we can be closer to him? So that our desires begin to match his desires? So that our relationship with him becomes the main priority rather than a distant second or third?

In my own life I realize how often I choose my own way simply out of laziness of wanting to have my own 5 senses pleased rather than taking the time out necessary to seek him in such a way as to become more intimate in that relationship. It was revealed to Peter long before it was written in a book like we have that Jesus was the son of God because God himself revealed it to him. Each of us have things that God wants to reveal to us for and about himself and our own lives.

nothing replaces time in intimacy,

KameronLombard.com

Dr. Henry Brandt, in the Collegiate Challenge magazine, said that there is a syndrome, a pattern, when couples come to him. They say, “At first, sex was exciting. Then I started feeling funny about myself, and then I started feeling funny about my partner. We argued and fought and finally we broke up. Now we are enemies.”

In the last post, I made the assertion that intimacy is neither equal nor requisite of being sexually active nor does this mean that sexually active couples are automatically intimate with each other.  Confusing I know, but I do feel that sex is not, nor was it ever intended to be a casual act.  It seems as though many engage in sexual activity when in fact, they are actually seeking intimacy and fulfillment.  Full-fillment . . . what is that?  In some circles, they talk about a human being as a combination of three parts: Mind, Soul, and Spirit.  I get the mind part, but separating the soul and spirit is a stretch for my unphilosophic mind to wrap around.  However, as I think of who we are, I can more easily see how we five significant parts. We have the Physical, the Emotional, the Mental, the Social, and the Spiritual.  It is important that each of these areas stay balanced with the other, working in harmony with each other.  If one part starts taking over the others, let’s say the emotional component, then that individual will be prone to act on their feelings and will decrease the value of their logical mental processes.  If someone tries to find fulfillment in just the opposite way, everything being a logical process, and they avoid their feelings, it will lead to a life of continual hurts and pains as our emotions and feelings are crucial.  It is important that all five aspects of who we are stay balanced to find true, full-fillment.  In our quest for intimacy we tend to go in the direction that gives us the quickest sense of feeling intimate.  Whether that is a spiritually or socially heightened experience or a physical one that has a sense datum or an unelaborated elementary awareness of stimulation, we tend to look for immediate gratification.  What do I mean by “sense datum”?  Well, it inclines one to focus on the sensorial element leading one to an awareness of the stimulation, the feeling, but leaving the individual lacking, feeling less than complete.  Much like emotional onanism, or some other of the five dimensions we are made of.  It heightens the sensory receptacles, only to be left unfulfilled and lacking.  Yes somebody may feel genuinely enthralled with the component that they are “messing around with,” but when they wake up one of these days, they realize that the spiritual or emotional high, the physical fireworks, etc. is lacking something.  That something is full-fillment, a harmony of all five of these very significant parts in our lives.

When looking at the subject of intimacy, I think it is prudent to go back to the Creator and seek to understand the original design and intent for human (as if there were any other) intimacy.  When Jesus was confronted with challenging questions, He would often begin His answers with “In the beginning . . . .” To the best of my understanding our human intimacy, including sex, is meant to be a full reflection of God’s love.  As Ephesians 5 clearly draws the parallel of human marriage with the relationship Christ has with those who believe in Him.  It was a confessed obscure area even to the Apostle Paul as he said “this is a huge mystery, I don’t pretend to understand it.  But what is clear to me is the way that Christ treats the church.”  If we can draw our parallels from how Christ desires us, then maybe, just maybe we’ll understand this nebulous concept of intimacy.  I’ll get back to this point in a subsequent post.

As I have pointed out, the word intimacy, in today’s culture, is connoted with sex.  But it is so much more.  I am going to move away from the huge sex type here because genuine and needed intimacy includes all the different attributes and characteristics that I mentioned above in our lives . . . yes the physical, yes the mental, yes the social, yes the emotional and yes the spiritual qualities as well.  I have alluded to the meaning of intimacy as being vulnerability, this is true.  There is a definitely vulnerability in intimacy.  I’ve also said that there is a sense of care or looking out for the other’s best interests, loyalty, trust, etc.  All of those things are a part of intimacy, but intimacy, the precious treasure that we all long for and need, really means absolute (complete) life sharing, a mutual interdependency that lead to communion.  What I am talking about here is a reciprocal relationship between mutually interdependent individuals.  Really, deep down, don’t we all want to be desired?  Don’t we have an innate craving for closeness, oneness, and for sharing our life with someone totally?  Marshal Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love.  She points out that “we long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love.” She goes on to say that “the closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.” It is that fear of pain, varying levels of an algophobia that thwarts our intimacy endeavors; it in fact forces us to avoid the very thing that we thirst for and need.

Often times, this scenario frequents our society: Boy and Girl “fall in love” . . . Boy hurts Girl (or contrariwise) . . . a breakup ensues . . . Boy or Girl take steps to never be hurt again.  Does this sound familiar?  These steps are in an effort to not be hurt again; their way of avoiding loving again.  But here’s the problem, whether their means of avoiding the hurts again is through Celibacy, callousness, Lesbianism, Homosexuality, or some other means of avoidance, we as human beings are created to long for and attach ourselves to others.  Eventually, the one that we are attempting to use as our safety zone will let us down, will hurt us.  You see, there’s no such thing as “painless love.”  The closer we come to somebody, the greater the potential there is for pain.

If I were a betting person, I think it would be a safe bet to say that 99.99% of the human race will have a relationship that will hurt them at some point in their life.  The question though is how we handle those hurts and pains.  I’m not just talking about Boy and Girl relationships.  I’m talking about grown men who draw close to other grown men and then they have the carpet yanked out from under them when that close man, who was on the board, assumes control of the company.  I’m talking about two women who are best friends and through continually taking advantage of the closeness, it rips their relationship in two.  I’m talking about the child who is now grown up and who really can’t stand their parent(s) . . . relationships suck!  But we all long for more of them, we can’t avoid them.  Or can we?  Often we allow people only so close.  We say something like “I want to be close you, and I want you to be close to me, I want to love and I want you to love me . . . oh but wait, I don’t want to be hurt.”  We build walls up around our hearts.  We tend to fortify our hearts and lives with a fosse.  This moat can be any of or a combination of the five dimensions we’ve already typed about: physical, emotional, mental, social, or spiritual.  Have you ever seen someone stop going to church because they were hurt?  I’m not talking about a broken leg but hurt emotionally, spiritually, etc.  Oddly they claim that they don’t go to church because the “church hurt them.”  What happened? Did the South wall reach out with one of its bricks and slap them upside the head . . . no.  The “church” that they are avoiding didn’t hurt them; it was a relationship that they had formed within the walls of the building.  The result, when someone builds these emotional, spiritual, physical, social, or mental fortifications and develop their private supply of munitions, they become inaccessible.  The thing about the walls that they’ve built up for their “protection,” the same walls that keep people out, keep them confined and imprisoned inside.  The natural consequences?  Loneliness creeps in, a “safe” zone is formed, and true intimacy and love are impossible.

Previously I asked: What does intimacy look like in relationship to friends or lovers? How would one recognize such ethereal behaviors? Is it in fact ethereal or “of another world”? Is such a practice, exemplified anywhere throughout the annals of time in this world or some other?  Quite honestly, such a relationship, one that is oozing with intimacy is extremely rare.  As I reflect back over time, I ponder the relationships I grew up with as a child.  I look back upon various clergy, both celebrity and not and though I have crossed the path of many wonderful couples and their relationships, none stick out in my mind like the intimate relationship of shepherd boy and king, David with God.  I mean really, has anyone ever been described as a “man after mine own heart” . . . by God?  See Acts 13:22. Sure God called Abraham a friend, and he calls us all his children, but to actually say that David is a man (1^st of all, what a male ego boost huh, guess that’s why He waited until after David was dead to call him a man), so God says that David is a man who is seeking after his heart.  I don’t think that God was saying that David was a cookie cutter of Himself . . . I mean come on, Dave was one king with a seriously negative reputation and yet God points His finger at him positively.  By now, I’m sure you’re asking “what does this have to do with intimacy?”  Well David was the one “man” that we have as an example of how he sought after God.  He was honest with God.  He told God everything, his hurts, his fears, his joys, his worries, his successes . . . everything.  And in turn, God communicated back with him.  You see I think of David and God as having an intimate relationship as David knew God, and reversely God knew David obviously.  This is where the mutuality kicks in.  God knows us all intimately, but few of us know Him intimately . . . therefore we don’t’ have an intimate relationship with Him.  A Boy can be open, honest, vulnerable, loyal, caring, etc. with a Girl, doing everything he can to be intimate, but if she is not reciprocating those same things, if it isn’t mutual, they will never have an intimate relationship.  Ok, here’s another relationship that I’ve thought of as being intimate:  Adam & Eve . . . with God.  Yeah, I guess you might make the assertion that Adam and Eve were probably pretty intimate since they were the only humans on Earth for quite some time.  I mean hey, the Bible says that there was no shame between them.  Here they were, both naked, and without embarrassment Genesis 2:25.  Now I’m not gonna camp on this subject or go back to sex, but how many couples, married or not, need to have the lights dimmed if not even off when they are having sex, and I really doubt that it all for romantic reasons.  For whatever reason, there is something there that limits their openness with the other, let alone romping around through their garden.   But the relationship that makes me stop for a minute and take note is their relationship with God.  Here you got this lump of a guy that God created, and due to God’s existence, He breathed life into Adam, “and the man became a living person” Genesis 2:7.  Isn’t that kind of how it is when a guy comes around the “love of his life,” if make him a living person.  I know this is different, but bear with me here.  I’m drawing a picture here.  You got this in all other senses a perfect or “excellent” man, God comes over to him, and voila Adam comes to life.  That wouldn’t have happened if God hadn’t been there, didn’t take the time to impart of himself, and didn’t give of Himself freely.  Another aspect to this is that Adam had to receive what God offered him.  I don’t know at what point the aspect of free will was introduced, but regardless, Adam openly received from his Creator.  Later on in Chapter 3, God is seen, literally seen, literally walking through Adam’s domain.  Now in all honesty, who has literally seen God?  Who has literally walked with God?  Few of us really talk with God, we pray, but do we just talk with God, let alone hear Him talk back.  Now not a lot of attention is spent on Adam, Eve, and God’s relationship, but form the little bits that we can gather, it really does seem that they had something going on.  By the little conversation in chapter 3 it is evident that they frequently would be found walking around the garden together naked, talking.  That is some kind of openness.  I personally have enough issues with seeing myself naked in a full length mirror, let along thinking of God seeing me that way.  I mean we all know that he does, but literally?  Yeah, he really does.

This is a good spot to address a few of the things that hinder our intimate relationships.  Let’s stay with Adam, Eve, and God’s relationship.  At what point do we see things start to change or divagate; at what point to we see them starting to hide things from God?  Can we have an intimate relationship with our spouse if we hide things from them? Genesis 3:8 they hid their nakedness from God’s vision, or so they thought.  They were ashamed.  Their attempts to not be seen for what they were, their attempts to deceive God, started their increased decline in their closeness.  They were at that point growing apart.  You know in the realms of hypothetics, we have oft pondered “what would have happened if they never would have eaten the forbidden fruit.”  But here’s a new thought to consider conjecturally, or think about without any sufficient way to reach a conclusion, but something to ponder regardless.  What would have happened if they would have broken down like David, upon the confrontation of their deeds, been humble, and repented?  What would have happened if they would have remained open, regardless of the discomfort from the inquiries of their all-knowing Friend?  Would we all still be living in the Garden of Eden?  I don’t know, that’s not the point, but what is, is that they shut down the mutuality of the open communication.  They began putting up forms of strength and protection, walls that crumbled their relationship.

Truly intimate relationships require mutual vulnerability, mutual trust, and mutual sacrifice.  Unfortunately, it is our own hurts that limit our ability to trust, share, care and be cared for. It is own history that “proves” (in our own mind) our inability to be vulnerable. It is only after we let our guards down that we can begin to experience intimacy if only in one area of our life at a time.

Here’s a story to help bring this post in for a landing.  I know of a particular little girl, she was the cutest little thing.  Little pig-tails, cute little back purple backpack loaded with all of her crayon, scissors, glue sticks, jumbo pencils, and under her arm she had two boxes of tissues.  You see it was the first day of Kindergarten.  She was a basket case.  Clinging to the bigger hand of the one who loved her, she sheepishly allows them to pull her towards the ominous school building.  Walking down the infinitely long hallway, she could see the old lady teacher at the other end of the hall with that big red lipstick smile greeting all the other anxious boys and girls.  As they drew near, her grasp drew tighter with each step.  Finally it was her that was being greeted by this old stranger that represented all of her fears wrapped into one.  Finally after many hugs, and twice as many proddings, and gentle urgings, the terrified little girl went in and found the closest little orange chair to the window.  From there, she watched as all hope of leaving drove off around the corner.  A few hours passed and as her hope that had so callously left her a few hours previously stood at the door waiting for her to put her coat on, the little girl spilled forth all of her exciting stories, tales of crafts, and snacks, the little turtle the “old teacher” kept in an aquarium, the little boy she ended up sitting next to that was both fun to play with and at the same time was the same boy who took her pizza flavored goldfishes.   All the way home and for the rest of the day and into the night, she gushed with her new found world.  You see, it’s only after a she dropped their self-protective guards could she enjoy kindergarten, a risk indeed, but no pain no gain. Self preservation is a trait learned at our earliest ages if not even innate.

Until Later . . .

I have reestablished the “20-Second Rule”, a rule I made up a couple of years ago that went by the wayside.  It is this:

Every day my husband and I must have at least one kiss that lasts at least 20 seconds.

It’s pretty hard not to feel a little closer to someone if you manage to squeeze that in every day.  And he’s game!  : )

Try it.

The Kiss - Francesco Hayez

Tonight was Day 2 of reading from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 to my wife over a voice/video link online.  I got as far as page 63 starting from where I left off at page 28 on Monday evening (my evening, her middle-of-the-night).  Yes, we have to deal with a seven hour time differential too.  Fun, eh?

When I asked her if she was going to stay up until I got home from work to read some more to her, she said:
ДА ДА ДА!!!
ещё, пожалуйста!

Now, for those of you that cannot read Russian (including me, but I have my Rosetta Stone – and my wife – so I am working on it) she said: YES YES YES!!! More, please! and followed that with a big smile emoticon (emotional icon).

Once we got started, she laid there and closed her eyes, simply listening to my voice. I tried very hard to speak very clearly and emphatically, so as to convey the story and the characters’ emotions as much as possible. Apparently I succeeded, since when I stopped after she gave me the sign that she was going to sleep now, she told me I had read ‘brilliantly’.

So Tip #1 is to read to each other. Does not have to be every day. Does not have to be bedtime stories or even novels at all. You may have a great time reading Popular Science articles to each other, etc. The fact is that you and your love adore each other’s voices and the simple act of listening to the other over a longer period of time, without interruption, can help to keep that closeness and togetherness you have created alive and well.

Colored people don’t like Little Black Sambo. Burn it. White people don’t feel good about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Burn it. Someone’s written a book on tobacco and cancer of the lungs? Burn the book. Serenity, Montag. Peace, Montag. Take your fight outside. Better yet, to the incinerator… Burn all, burn everything. Fire is bright and fire is clean.

— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, from “Part 1: The Hearth and the Salamander”, pp. 59-60

A creature of my environment, as so many of you, I enjoyed a strange and startling experience while waiting for the train. I’m usually extremely sensitive to my physical proximity to others and while I can think of few more wonderful feelings than sharing the innate closeness that comes along with intersecting a lover’s personal space, I find the inadvertent overlaying of spaces such as in a crowd often disconcerting.

Waiting for the train to roll and rock me into the city, I leaned up against a glass windscreen on the platform to make a call. Hanging up a few moments later, I turned my head, still up against the glass, to find that I was just fractions of an inch away from a young woman leaning on the other side of the glass. Rolling her head just slight, against the glass, as she caught my surprised eye so close, we looked at each other for an instant—our faces not an inch or two apart at that moment. I cannot remember my face being so close to someone with which I was not engaged in at least some form of amorous affair.

I hadn’t sensed her there. That eighth-inch thick pane of glass, while transparent, blocked more than I ever could have imagined. As we both moved away and boarded the train, I couldn’t help but think how much each of us shares with one another—other than our basic appearance—conscious or not.

A little over a week ago, Coleman started sitting up.  It started with Kolette putting him in the right position and him more “leaning with help” than actually sitting.  It wasn’t long though until that “leaning with help” turned into “sitting with help.”

Then, just like so many other things, one day he woke up and had it. We still had to be close by to make sure he didn’t fall, or place the Boppy around him so if he did fall, it’d be on something soft that could break his fall. That Boppy, is there anything it can’t do?

Anyhow, watching him sit there I got an idea.

One of the most difficult things about being the father of a baby while confined to a wheelchair, is watching all the people who love Cole so much playing with him down on the carpet on his level. Sometimes it really makes my heart ache not to be able to be right down there wrestling, playing, or just laying with my boy on his turf.

When he was younger, and a lot less mobile, he would lay over my shoulder, or on my chest and it could fulfil my need to be close to him.  Now, he’s moving around like a whirling dervish, and when I hold him over my shoulder he’s looking back and forth so much it is often difficult to get any “face to face” time.

With my heart yearning to get the carpet feel with Cole, I watched him sit up.  The more stable he became the more courage I gained and finally got the stregnth–the intestinal fortitude if you will–to try this idea I’d been cooking up.  It wasn’t a groundbreaking idea by any stretch of the imagination, but it was an idea that had a profound effect on our lives

I had Kolette sit him up on our countertop and I wrapped my arms around his little bottom to keep him from falling backwards on the granite.  Coleman was a little pensive at first, not quite sure about sitting on the cold rock instead of the warm carpet, and a little nervous about the height.

Those concerns quickly passed, he looked at me, and then there we were.  Face to face just as if we were laying on the carpet together.  It was magical. We laughed together, played together, and sang together–never forgetting to grunt, growl and shout to profess our manhood; all separated by inches instead of feet.

I loved every minute of it. I kept him up there until he was so tired that he looked like he was going to fall asleep sitting up.

When we decided to have Cole, I knew that there were going to be lots of things I wasn’t going to be able to do. I knew I was going to have to count on his Grandpa Hall to teach him to golf, his Grandpa Coleman to teach him how to throw a baseball.  I knew his uncles would have to be involved. Uncle Nate would have to show him how to stif-arm his opponent, Uncle Clint would be in charge of teaching him how to catch a football, and Uncle Brandon would oversee lacrosse instruction.

What I’ve found however, is that the best times are those where we figure out a way around, beat the system, and do it on our own.  I love my boy so much. I know it’ll be a long time before I forget that first day on the countertop where he was sittin’ up and I was flyin’ high.

Jh-

I think therapists see us coming and run the other direction.  There’s so much history hauling in my pack, nobody wants to even witness me taking my pack off, let alone get anything out of it.  Because it never fails what I need to get out is at the dead bottom of the pack.  They can smell it before they see it coming.  But the problem is…it’s like that stinky cheese that tastes good but how many can really handle the stench?  Some people are just….just decided about what they smell and aren’t real big risk takers.  They miss out on a lot.

But in the meantime, the cheese stands alone.

I’m looking for somebody to venture into me and Lexi’s relationship.  I’m trying to navigate this parenting thing along with survival.  When she was a baby I knew how to diaper her, keep her fed, warm, safe, and loved.  I could hold her for hours, dancing, singing, humming, talking…talking incessantly if I had to, just naming things-showing her “wall”, “mirror”, “door”, “carpet”, “fingernail” whatever.  It didn’t matter what I said…she was totally and completely fascinated by it.  She loved when my lips moved and were speaking to her, saying her name.  She would cry and I knew just what to do and how to do it, and moreover how to do it JUST RIGHT.  I was a very good mother.

I do not know what happened.

Now…everything I do seems to be precisely WRONG.  She tells me this.  I can’t do anything right, everything I do is wrong.  And when I ask her to tell me what it is that is so wrong she tells me that I have to figure it out-without a clue.  Now she cries silently and it is so hard to figure out.

And as I just stated, nobody seems to want to help me with this loaded stinky cheese puzzle I carry with me everywhere.

It leaves me just a bit hopeless.

I can’t figure it out.

Lexi seems to want a lot of distance from me, and a lot of closeness to her dad.  Apparently he is God.  Maybe that’s a clue as to why whatever I did when we were married was never good enough for him.

So you see, I have a lot to contemplate.  Motherhood, relationships, God.   I have a whole lot to figure out.  And day to day life in the madness of this world is not the greatest environment for me to think.  I look around at members of my family and I consider that if I can change one thing about myself in comparison to them and our family history–it would be the environment.  I believe in the relationship between environment and self.  I have been trying to alter and change myself to figure things out for many many years, for a lifetime in this environment.  It’s not working.  So I’m going to try something new-a new environment entierly.  Maybe it will work and maybe it won’t.  But hey, no one else has tried the long distance approach so maybe it will make a difference.  And too many times I’ve ignored that inner knowing voice that is the “figurer outer”.  That voice right now is telling me to do it—Hike the Appalachian Trail the whole way through.

“Tear apart these roles and scripts that have followed down the line so many years.  Give your daughter a new book…one that’s not so cluttered up and written in.  She needs it.  The whole rest of humanity does, so do your one part.”

I don’t think many are going to listen to me.  But I think Lexi is old enough to understand my actions…that they mean I’m dedicated to figuring it out, this koan that I’ve been given.    And maybe somehow it will give her the guide she needs so she can live her life well and have peace.

Near or far. I move closer to closeness, but distance is but still a short distance away.

Anyone up for a wicked weekend? Welcome to our new Friday feature, although this wont be every Friday, these will be special treats for our readers that will pop up every now and again. Although we are hoping to get out out about two wicked weekends a month.

So what are wicked weekends I here you ask. These will be little nuggets and gems of sexy, naughty and kinky activities we will put together for all you hard working people outhere who want to spice things, but are sometimes to tired to get that extra step further.

So without further delay this weeks first wicked weekend is a role play. Role plays are great for taking things out of the bedroom, stepping into someone else’s shoes and putting yourself into character. As you get into character you will also find yourself acting differently which may also cause you to eventually have sex differently and try things you may not have before,or even thought of. So you have all heard of the usual role plays Doctors and Nurses, Office worker and Boss so on and so on. We have thought of a role play with a bit of a twist. The Restaurant Role play.

Welcome To the Wicked Weekend Restaurant one of you will be the waiter/waitress when and your partner will play the customer. Create and 3 course menu of treats. The Starter will be the foreplay before going on to the Main course of a large more fullfilling meal and ending in desert cresendo. The customer will can order the full 3 courses at once and then they will be dished up up the serving staff. The waiter or waitress can even leave a little bit of teasing and tension between courses. You could even go one step further and have the person playing the part of the serving staff read out the full menu to the customer before passing the menu to the customer

You can go as far as you want with this role play even setting the dining room table and lighting a candle or two. You can get dressed up such as a nice low button shirt for the waiters or a short skirt for the waitresses.

So as promised we will do a bit of the hard work for you and we have prepared a delicious menu of innuendos, flirting and down right dirtyness. You can download the menu and print it off as it is but also it is in a word format which means if some of the humour isn’t for you or something too naughty, or not naughty enough you can tweak and caress it to your tastes. Just click on the link below and follow the instructions and you will be half way to a night of naughty fun.

Wicked Weekend 3 Course Menu

Hope you enjoy your bank Holiday Weekend at take at least one of the evenings to try out the role play.  Also feel free to tell us how you got on by ‘kcoversharing’ it or leaving a comment in the box below.

Kittie & Charlie

x

Think of someone who has lived in a dark cave all his life who one day emerges into the bright light of noon.  This may be an apt analogy for a teenager who is now beginning to think in abstracts, of concepts and ideas.  His thoughts are becoming more integrated, more complex. 

So he begins wanting to be alone most of the time, to talk less, he may even become irritated when disturbed from his reverie.  Parents must understand that their kids are not really angry or are being aloof.  They just want space for their thinking. 

Adolescents are very sensitive to stimuli.  They are both exhilarated and a bit afraid as they try to comprehend the changes in their bodies, the new ideas in their minds, and the fresh insight into people and events. 

They also experience conflicting struggles between rebellion against adult control and the need for guidance and directions, between testing the limits to longing for their parents to set guidance as a sign that they still care;  between feeling uncomfortable when their parents get too near and a silent wish for their closeness; between plans for the future and the uncertainties of the present; between sexual maturity and immaturity. 

Most adolescents seem to not even want to mention the subject  in front of their parents.  But parents should not just heave a sigh of relief and think.  Thank God that’s taken care of!”  it’s not ideal for teeners to learn about this most important subject through other sources.  Parents and child need to communicate about sex and the values associated with it.  It is better for children this way before they come across corrupted versions elsewhere. 

One of the last things adolescents go through is forming life goals.  Again, this is not an easy task.  But when they start thinking about the future, they are starting to show some maturity. – Geroge Amurao

This is not our space, it’s so new/old/new/old/dark. And here with you, I love you, and I know that you love me. It’s the shoes, sweetheart, the shoes and the skirts. It’s your touch, your deep brown eyes, your mouth, your taste. And I can’t stop myself, and you don’t stop me. 

In this moment, God, heaven, Darma, light… in these moments it feels so good and we make each moment last forever. The sweetest, deepest ache. Like all the light in the universe, we’re here in the dark. Kissing you, I’m dying, only  we’re living. Ripping a hole in the sun, hanging onto the stars. As though the room is made of every piece of pure evil and pure goodness, static against the sky that opens above us.  Melt into me, my love. 

I’m inside. There’s nothing between us.

After the last hummingbird had left the feeder on the window, after the guitar and singing but before being ready for bed, we went out on the screened-in porch last night. We sat there for over an hour, talking in the warmth and darkness. The air, a bit heavy and humid, lay against us like a blanket almost too thin to kick off on an almost cool night. An occasional passing car provided momentary counterpoint to the droning of cicadas. I couldn’t identify the soloist, maybe a cicada with its own ideas or a tree frog, but something’s “kurr-kurr-karumph” came from the area of the locust trees behind the house.

We talked about Randa’s job search, the Crosby, Stills and Nash concert coming up this weekend and whatever else seemed to come to mind. Neither of us minded the occasional silences, if there is such a thing on a summer night in town when you live surrounded by trees and streets. Some people seem threatened by the absence of conversation, as if thinking without speaking were a bad thing or if their partner is somehow obligated to share each and every thought. In a good relationship, what is held private is respected as much as what is put into words.

What we really need to fear are the things put into words before the thinking has taken place. I’ve offered a number of apologies in my life; most were accepted. Very rarely have I ever needed to apologize for something I didn’t say. This is not fresh insight, by the way.

One of the ancient writers said we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Maybe he knew what it was like to spend the early hours of a summer night treasuring time spent with one he loved.

H. Arnett
8/26/09