So I then get them off to school and try to do something else to calm myself down enough to write a polite email about my concerns. And what do you think his answer was? First he had to make it clear that my tone was not making the discussion productive (?). And there were no naked pictures only pictures of him in the bathroom getting ready (which I’m assuming he was doing in his underwear). He claims that he didn’t know they took the pictures (didn’t know that there were more than one) and sent them and when he found out he talked to them about it and said that you should not do that.

Obviously that is not how they heard it, so either he didn’t say what he claims or he did not stress that you never, ever do that. They are old enough to understand something as serious as this. You do not try to smooth it over. I said in my email to him, what if they take pictures of themselves in their underwear and send to her? What if her 16-year-old son sees the pictures? I’m guessing that’s my tone that he had a problem with… I don’t care! I will try my best to raise daughters who know what to do and what not to do, I don’t care about “my tone”.

Yep. She’s got it spot on. Babies don’t care about what you’re wearing, how well the colors match in the living room, or even whether you put your makeup on today.

They really care about whether you’re going to actually feed them, play with them or carry them close to you for a few hours.

In fact, for the first month – they can’t really see anything that isn’t high-contrast black and white. So don’t agonize over the “perfect” nursery decor or whether the crib is set up in the perfect place. Chances are, little one won’t be sleeping in that room for a few months anyway giving you lots of time to re-arrange things.

In the first year, they don’t care whether the TV is playing American Idol or Caillou – they just want you to be near them.  Watch and listen to whatever you’d like (although, keep in mind that babies are influenced greatly by what they hear at a young age so maybe keep the soundtrack PG!) – just make sure to multi-task and play with your infant at the same time.

You’ll quickly learn the “law of the mom” – nothing is ever perfect, as long as it works then you’re okay. That means if the only clean onesie is a horrid shade of pink and lace – well, it’s going to be puked on soon anyway, but hopefully the dryer will be done by then.  Diaper explosion happened, and you forgot a spare change of pants? Good thing you wore that pashmina scarf – it’s a great blanket!

All you need to worry about for your baby to be happy is for you to be happy and okay. As long as you’re okay – they’re okay!

We’re waiting for YOU!

Many of us find it too much trouble to shuffle things around and make arrangements for all those adults and children who depend on us. However, sometimes it’s the only way that we can get out and do something for ourselves and that’s very important for your well being!

I’m here to tell you that if you relate to my first statement above, that’s a sign that you really do need this group. There has to be a place where you come first. It’s not that difficult to make arrangements. You just have to do it! Make the decision that you need time to be with other women to explore your issues, share your successes, feelings and thoughts, have some laughs and maybe even cry with your new women friends, just a little.

Here are some of the topics we focus on but you are welcome to add any topic!

1. Relationships

2. Divorce

3. Separation

4. Starting over on Your Own

5. Dating

6. Co-Parenting

7. Parenting

8. Career

9. Financial Stressors

10. Infidelity

11. Self-Esteem

12. Social Skills

13. Body Image

14. Anxiety

15. Depression

16. Sex

17. Hobbies

18. Helpful Books

We meet on Tuesday evenings in my office from 6pm until 7:30pm. The group is ongoing so you may join at any time. You and I will meet for a no fee interview before you join to make sure that this group is what you are looking for. So please let me know if you have an interest in joining.

Fee: $45 per meeting, PPO reimbursement available

Group is safe and confidential! Ages 21 and older.

Call Ilissa Banhazl, MFT at (626) 335-0903 if you would like to speak with her directly about joining her Women’s Process & Support Group in Glendora.

Learn more about the group right now!
Make new friends… Are you feeling isolated?

If you’re based in the UK and are a co-parent, searching for a parenting partnership, or going through a co-parent pregnancy, we’d love to hear about your journey. We’d simply like to talk at this stage. Getting in touch will not in any way commit you to taking part.

Windfall Films has a trusted reputation and proven track record in making sensitive documentaries with a committed approach for the BBC, Channel 4, and all major broadcasters.

Our programmes have not only won awards but many have been used to help train doctors, social workers, and teachers. Please see more about us on our website: http://www.windfallfilms.com.

For a confidential chat, please get in touch with producer Kim Duke: kimduke@windfallfilms.com or 0207 251 7676.

Article: 19th March 2013

Six things a well developed co-parenting plan can provide for your family include:

1)      A reasonable system for sharing information.

2)      A clear and well-defined schedule for parenting time, holidays, vacations, and school-related functions.

3)      An understanding of extra-curricular activities and the transportation needs and fees associated with them.

4)      An understanding of each parent’s financial responsibilities.

5)      An overall agreement about how decisions will be made for the management of specific issues such as illness, homework support, appointments, childcare needs, and other related “kid issues.”

6)      An agreement related to expectations and discipline that can be maintained between households.

In order to achieve a well developed co-parenting plan, here are 5 things you will need -

1)      A calendar—at least 12 Month.

2)      Two highlighters –one yellow/one green.

3)      Two pencils.

4)      A table at Starbucks.

5)      Two hours.

To be specific, here is what you do -

1. You say “Hi” and “Thank You for making the time to come.”

2. Start with the week you are in and determine how you are currently co-parenting. (Use one color for parent1 and the other color for parent2.)

3. Share what you think about the current way things are working out for your children by answering the following:

a) This is how I believe the kids are well served by this plan.

b) These are my concerns about the plan as it is now.

c) What is coming up in the schedule that is irregular in the next three months?

d) What does the parenting time look like on the calendar? (Use highlighters for each parent and color each parents’ days.)

e) Do we have scheduling conflicts? How can we resolve them?

f) Do we have special concerns about meeting the needs of any specific child?

g) Are we on the “same page” with homework expectations, curfews, chores, and other behavioral expectations?

h) Any vacations or extended family obligations coming up?

i) Any other concerns?

4. You say “Thank you for coming.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elizabeth Mellencamp Johnson is a business leader, published author, mediator, artist and psychotherapist. Beth has certifications and licensures as a Mediator, Parent Coordinator, Marriage & Family Therapist, and Clinical Social Worker. She has been practicing since 1986 in the Greenwood and Indianapolis communities. She is currently the Clinical Director of Stillpoint Consultants and CEO of Elizabeth M. Johnson & Associates.

Photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/42931449@N07/5418401602/”>photosteve101</a&#62; / <a href=”http://foter.com/Amazing/”>Foter.com</a&#62; / <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>CC BY</a>

In my blog, I speak mostly about parenting toddlers. It’s what I know -or more accurately, am muddling through- so that is where all of my inspiration lies. Maybe I will throw in a relationship post or two since I happen to also be married and once had aspirations of being a relationship therapist so that is certainly something I can speak about with confidence. Though I found yesterday that parenting a preteen, though something I have never actually done myself, is something that I am going to bring up because while I have never raised one…I was one. I remember it quite well (some more vividly than I would like) and what I saw yesterday made me almost want to intervene with a neighbor’s affairs for the very first time because they were just doing it so wrong.

That’s right, you heard me, I am flat out saying that what this woman was doing was bad parenting. It’s something I don’t think I have ever thought, much less said out loud. I am sure she didn’t even know how bad, either, which is why I am writing this post.

I was outside in my alcove of a front stoop so they couldn’t see me. I couldn’t see them. In fact, the noise itself is what initially caught my attention. It was a scene that was all too familiar to me. The divorced parent exchange for the weekend. Now, my parents were divorced when I was 8. It was unbelievably messy and it was brutal for everyone all around. My father was an alcoholic and the year that they separated was nothing short of the longest year of my life. I have blocked a lot of it out, but let’s just say coming home to no furniture happened. And several incidents of people standing outside screaming and my parents using me as a therapist because I was such an empathetic and bright child. I spoke as a grown up would so everyone treated me that way.

I wasn’t. I was a child. No matter how “adult” our adolescents may seem, they are developing children. The things you do will affect them for the rest of their lives. Period.

So yesterday, when the frackus began, I didn’t intend to eavesdrop (not that I am above being nosy, really, I just hate knowing my neighbor’s secrets) but a conversation that heated can lead to physical violence quickly (in my experience) and I wanted to make sure that the Mom was okay. I heard the typical bickering about how the Dad was supposed to bring something back and forgot and just as I started to think everything was settling -or at least mild in nature- I started to hear worse things that made my feet cement to the ground.

Partly because I was being nosy, partly because it struck a chord with me and, in those moments, I was a 10 year old little girl again that was stuck between my parents.

She says (loudly enough for the entire neighborhood to hear), “It’s because you are a drunk. You’re worthless. I don’t know why I let your kids see you at all!”. I peek around to see if they are close enough together to reach each other because I want to help, but at this point, it’s a little too much for me. What I saw broke my heart into a million little pieces.

A preteen boy, whom I know from the neighborhood as Mason, standing there watching all of this.

My first reaction is to run over and get him. He shouldn’t be seeing this! This is not for his eyes at all! This is between two grown adults and the fact that he is just standing there and looking so lost and sad makes me want to go and scold these parents for not having the sense to do this over the phone and far away from him. Before I can even react, I hear another verbal dig come from her that actually made my jaw drop. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a man. You’re a drunk because you were sexually molested and beaten. There is something weirdly feminine about you…you’re probably a closet gay.”

Hold the phone! Is she really saying that in front of her son?!

I wanted to run across the street and shake that woman, I really did. I started out wanting to protect her and now I wanted to shake her for what she was unknowingly doing to her son’s fragile psyche. How dare a mother put these things about a child’s father into his head at such a young and impressionable age? What kind of person does that? My parents drug me into all of their issues and I had a teen-hood full of angst and repression. It was the farthest thing from a easy road for me growing up and scenes like this were the norm in my tiny world. It breaks my heart to see another child be put into that same position that I was. And it scares me.

It was so unfair. I have never wanted to intervene before, but in that moment, I considered it. That child should have never been privy to the information that his father was molested until he was older. Much older. He is being raised by an alcoholic and, of course, you have to talk to him about it but not at the top of your lungs in the middle of the street. It’s not right and it’s not fair to the child.

I know that when she looks at the father she only sees her ex. A man that is most likely unraveling and that she loves her son enough to say that it isn’t okay that he has the boy and is drinking. I’m not saying she isn’t a Mamma bear and that’s what Mamma bears do, they defend their cub. I am only saying that she needed to send that cub into the house and whisper.

Fighting (on that level) with anyone -especially an ex- should be something that is kept from our kids as much as possible. Will they hear it through the walls? Of course. Talk to them about it the next day. Don’t treat them as though they are stupid, because they aren’t, but don’t treat them as an adult. Try to shield them as much as you possibly can.

Yes, the world is a harsh place. And they will learn harsh lessons later. There will be plenty of time for that.

What you may not know is that allowing your children to see all of the bad in it’s full glory (as my parents chose to do) will make your children jaded. Seeing that yesterday, my little neighbor Mason will never, ever look at his father the same. He won’t see relationships the same. We are the people that stand there and sign on to teach our children and model how to behave. Mason just learned to stand there and berate someone miserably that makes him mad. Did she have a million reasons? Probably. But he may not know the full extent of it and may not have the faculties to understand yet and what she actually taught her son went far beyond that. She doesn’t know it yet, but as a teen, he is going to stand up and do the same thing to her because now it is what he knows.

I have almost wrote many a post about her older son (who is about 16 or so). It makes me fear for Jp’s teen years and I have always wanted to write a lighthearted post about that but now looking at the defiant, trouble making older brother more closely, I see the reasoning for it outside of typical teenage angst. He has probably seen more than any child should. He probably doesn’t even know yet but the walls that he has built are there for all of his young life and getting even tiny pieces of it down will be a struggle. Some may never come down. It will affect all of his relationships for the rest of his life.

So, please, please, please if you are co-parenting or have a spouse that you fight with on a regular basis, please remember that we are the model for the people that our children will become. We are the people that they will swear on everything that is Holy that they will never be like…and exactly who they will grow up to be. Shield them as much as you can while you can from the evilness that is found in the human heart. Especially in your own. We all have that place inside of us that isn’t great and we aren’t perfect but never tear down your ex or your spouse in front of your children. Even if you know that they already know it. Teach them tolerance and understanding…even if you have to fake it.

They may walk, talk, dress like, and act like tiny versions of adults…but they aren’t. What they learn in these vital years defines who they will become as a person. And if you don’t want them to be that person standing in the road screaming, don’t be that person.

Photo Credit: www.nbcnews.com

I was reminded this past week of how important it is. My girls came home on Monday morning and it takes them about two days to tell me about their weekend, I try to not ask questions other than general ones like “How was your weekend?” “Did you sleep OK?”. So on Tuesday my oldest told me that the new girlfriend, E, had slept over and that she was really surprised when she woke up in the morning and went into daddy’s room and E was sleeping in his bed… So the woman that they have met maybe 4 times over the past 3 weekends (that was the third weekend) is now spending the night. And they had not told the girls that she was going to???!!!

So I asked my younger one who always wakes up at night about it and she said “I woke up and walked into daddy’s room and E was there so I didn’t know what to do so I walked back to my sister but she was sleeping so I walked into daddy again and got into his bed and slept”. My heart dropped. He had even sent me an email on Monday about the weekend (we’ve been trying to reintroduce dairy into our youngest diet so we keep each other updated on how it’s gone) and he did say that she woke up and came into his bed but no mention of E being in it too. I tried to not let it bother me, but that night I had a really hard time sleeping.

So the next morning while the girls were in school I sat down to meditate on what to do. I ended up sending a short email stating that I know that there is nothing I can do about it but that I’m not happy that she is already spending the night and that I wished they would have told the girls beforehand. He did not respond to the email at all. It doesn’t matter I got to say what I had on my mind and I’ve slept better.

Find the orginal source HERE

I have a lot of respect for single moms, because I used to be one. Before I remarried, I got my children up in the morning, made sure they were clothed and fed, met their emotional needs, and faced the financial hardships and school events alone. According to some moms’ definition, though, I couldn’t really call myself a single mom.

My children spend a few weekends a month with their biological father and he pays child support, which moms like Sharon G. say disqualified me from the title of single mom. Instead, I was a co-parent. “Single parents do it all with no help,” Sharon explains. Here, moms share three questions to ask yourself if you’re questioning whether or not you can call yourself a single parent.

Keep reading.

Do You Really Do It All Alone?

Single parents do it all with no help, but I think the definition of help varies. A number of moms say that if you’re the main caregiver, you’re a single parent. In fact, mom April D. says she could use the “single parents do it all” argument to make the case that even though she’s married, she’s a single parent.

Child support payments are a help but, if like Jodi, you only get sporadic child support payments or only receive minimal support, that money only goes so far. You’re still responsible for making sure there’s enough money to feed, clothe, shelter, and otherwise take care of your children.

As for co-parenting, well, that only works if the other parent is willing to take on the responsibility of being a parent, and many say that doesn’t always happen. (See the related article 6 Tips for Co-Parenting With a Jerk)

A mom called Johnny says defining help is simple: “It really depends on the amount of financial, emotional, and practical support and time a parent contributes.”

Does Relationship Status Matter?

Another popular argument against awarding the single mom title is the relationship status test. If you can honestly list yourself as “single” on a social media website or government form, then you’re allowed to call yourself a single parent.

It seems like a sound definition, but it has its flaws. Take, for example, a mother like Amanda W., whose new boyfriend who hasn’t met her kids yet. She’s not single, but is still parenting her kids alone. Then, as another mother called Jenni points outs, there’sthe problem of interpretation in context when using this definition of “single parent.”

If you use the relationship status test, then the same uninvolved co-parent who leads you to call yourself a single parent in the first place could claim the title as well.

Krista E. says that loophole is an interesting comment on gender roles. She notes that people use the phrase “single dad” for fathers whose involvement ranges from biweekly visits to sole custody, but if a mother doesn’t have primary custody, there’s no way we’d call her a single mom.

Do Moms Need to Use This Title?

I never set out to be a single mother and I wouldn’t want to do it again. The bottom line is that it’s not easy. Single mothers cope with loneliness, guilt, and sometimes otherpeople’s judgement.

As I see it, the question isn’t whether or not you have the right to call yourself a single mom, but why some people fight so hard to define who is and isn’t one. Why not just take comfort in the fact that there are other mothers who identify with you?

photo: mykidentity.com

And alas, we are.

His first reaction was suspicion:  he wanted to know why I was asking this question.  It seemed obvious to me why I’d be asking that question, but his mind goes places I can’t fathom.  He thought I was doing a final check-in before riding into the sunset with a new man.

Once we established that there was no new man, Roger wanted to do something we haven’t done in awhile:  review my failures in the relationship.  Was he interested in examining what he had brought to the relationship that had not served us well?  Not so much.

I could see a broken look on his face, even though his eyes refused to meet mine.  It was quiet, but still one of our more painful discussions, and there have been more than a few of those in all our years together.  When we were done, all I could do then was thank him for saying what needed to be said and leave.

I was glad for the clarity.  My grief has been running in overdrive for a few months now, and was made worse by my own confusing thoughts about what to do next.  I knew that ending my marriage had not been a mistake, but have nevertheless been thinking almost non-stop about Roger.

We’ve both been trying to walk the high road, and pretending at being more highly evolved than we are in our busted hearts.  We want to show each other and our families how classy we are.  We want to give our children, and especially our youngest, as positive an experience as possible.  All while we’re still bleeding from wounds we’ve inflicted on each other and of course, wounds we suffered in the separation process itself.

It’s painful to do things as a family, but we’re doing them anyway.  We attend therapy and school meetings for our son who has autism.  We work together to give him the best of each of us.  We managed a traditional Christmas, with everyone present and accounted for.  We also took our youngest son on a 4 day vacation a couple of weeks ago.  That was incredibly hard.  Moments of torture alleviated by lovely breakfasts with our hosts, hikes in the snow, taking photos of our son, having naps and reading books.  I’m not sure I can do it again any time soon.

So following our discussion about what the hell to do next (and what not to do), I understood better what motivated me to go there:  I simply can not bear that our relationship remains unhealed.  It’s ridiculous, but I was willing to give up everything I love about being on my own, because of this injury to the thing I’ve been caring for most of my life.  And true to the steps of the dance Roger and I choreographed long ago, he stands his ground, adamant that the relationship will not be healed.  It’s just easier for him to swallow all the losses if he remains bitter.

I hate that I can do nothing about this.  He hates that I would want to.  He’s very protective of his wounds.  They make his life make sense to him somehow.  I’ve always known this.  I can hardly believe that it slipped my mind and I had to go knocking at that door to find out all over again.  Shit!!  I’m laughing a little now as I marvel at the wisdom of the universe and how it knows what I need to learn, how many times, and how many ways I need the same lessons.

My next-door neighbor, Sara, offered to let the girls stay at her house. She and her husband have four grown children and extra bedrooms. It was a perfect arrangement to get us through a transitional period.

When we returned to Conway to help my daughter Jamie move into her college apartment, I observed the relationship between her and my neighbor. It reminded me of a stepparenting relationship in the early years.

Sara knew her role as an additional parent to the girls. She didn’t try to overstep or undermine my relationship in any way. But she did offer a listening ear and everyday support when the girls needed it.

Late in the summer the girls’ dad came for an out-of-state visit. Because their dad is an alcoholic, his behavior is unpredictable and their relationship with him is tenuous. Sara spent several hours talking to the girls about their feelings and struggles with their dad. She offered an unbiased opinion to the situation  as a third-party observer. The girls needed a maternal figure to talk to and since I wasn’t there, they confided in Sara.

I believe that is how our stepparenting role should play out. We are to provide everyday support and a listening ear for our stepchildren when they need it. We are to be a cheerleader for their every effort in sports, music, school, drama, or whatever. We are to love and care for them as if they are our own. But we are not to undermine or compete with their biological parent. We are not to try to replace their biological parent. We are an additional parent.  

Our stepparenting role may change as years pass. When my stepchildren lost their mother to cancer eight years ago, I became their primary maternal figure. My husband has stepped into the primary parenting role with my girls because of their dad’s instability. But for many years, my husband and I both worked at functioning as an additional parent to our stepchildren.

As we drove away from our neighbor’s house to return to our home in Louisiana, Sara was on the front porch with her arm around my youngest daughter, Jodi, who stayed there another week before moving into the dorm. It gave me a warm feeling to know that, although I couldn’t be there every day because of our move, my daughter was loved and cared for by an additional parent.

What role do you play as a stepparent? Is it a healthy role that benefits your stepchildren?

Related Posts:

Is It a Privilege to be a Stepparent?

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

Dear Stepparent: Never Underestimate Your Value with Your Stepchildren

It has been a week of firsts for me; not all of these firsts are good. Struggling to not shut down, having my first full blown panic attack, backing a vehicle into an inanimate object – not my favourite parts of the week. That sinking realization that we HAD to get paperwork notarized, because my partner’s mother would probably attempt to take my children from us if something were to happen to Morning Glory and Duck.

But it wasn’t all bad. I’m seeking glimpses of how life will be after the move; how things may be easier with MIL when we are not living all in the same space and flaunting our “impropriety*” in front of her. I can see that in a year or two out, I may be able to interact with her with an amicable civility and not have to keep quite the tight rein on my emotions. She won’t be the woman who attempted to destroy my family or excise me like a mole – she will be the misguided grandmother of my children.

To not bomb the foundation of the bridge further (“Get your mistress out of my house and live right with the Lord” did enough foundation bombing), to strive to the point where she can be the misguided fool of a grandmother to my children, I struggle to keep myself in line. I struggle to not give into the urge to burn the house down with lemons. And while part of it may be that I just don’t wish to deal with the energy expenditure that being angry and pissed off takes, a large portion of it is because of Nerdling, Diva, and Snuggler. MIL is their grandmother, and they love her as such. She is imperfect, bigoted, fearful of her vengeful and angry god smiting her for the merest whiff of tolerance, but goddamn it she is their grandmother. And I’ll be damned if they ever have to feel like they need to choose between their mother and their grandmother.

I have a friend (HI FIGGY!) who, after I explained the struggle I was having, welcomed me to motherhood with these words: “Normally this strikes a bit more mildly and [with a] younger than teenage kid. But it becomes standard, to protect the kids at the expense of what would be more comfortable or easier for you to do. My mother called it ‘Mother’s Choice’.”  My urge to burn the motherfucker down is understandable; but I’ll be damned if I’m going to consciously and actively teach my children to hate.

So I struggle. I struggle and feel what I need to feel. I lean on Duck and Builder and Morning Glory (and Kibeth, Touchstone, and Reader) all of whom have been incredibly understanding at my need to crawl into their beds, be petted, and sob uncontrollably. I hug the kids close, bite my tongue when around MIL, and envision a future where love has won out and bigotry is laid to rest.

*She never has done well sitting with the things that make her uncomfortable. Queer sexuality (even when it’s passing glances, chaste kisses as greeting, holding hands, snuggles and normal affection), alcohol, or even the discussions of ethics and humanism have never been things that she has been comfortable with. She does not agree with some of our choices with how we raise our children (it’s rather hard to get upset when our kids are raised to think for themselves and then they go out and actually do it), how we choose to relate to each other as a family, and how we spend our leisure time. It is honestly kind of surprising that we lasted in a sort of peace for as long as we did!

Two-and-a-half years ago when my ex and I first became ex’s, we started telling people we planned to continue living and raising our kids together. And lots of people thought that was a phase too. I’ve been told at least hundred times that we can’t do it. Not just that we eventually won’t want to (although I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard this), or that we shouldn’t (I’ve heard this a few times as well), but that we, quite literally, can’t. I call bullshit on that.

Of course we can’t predict the future. And we don’t know what’s going to happen in 2 or 5 or 10 years. Maybe eventually we WON’T want to keep doing this. But what I can say now is that I see more signs each month that we mean it– we’re really planning to do what we can to keep making this work. Me, my ex, and now his girlfriend too. Here are the top 10 signs that we’re ALL quite serious about it.

10. Last week when my ex asked me to pick up a case of PBR for him from the village liquor store I wasn’t even annoyed—I was happy to do it. A few weeks earlier he, unprompted, brought home a latte for me because he knew I was tired and had plans for the evening.

9. When my ex’s girlfriend makes turkey chili she sometimes asks me “Do you want me to make a vegetarian one for you?” And I say yes. She makes really good chili.

8. Not too long ago we all (minus the kids) ended up at our favorite local bar on the same night– me with my friends and them with theirs. We didn’t sit together, but there was some intermingling. And it wasn’t weird it all. It was really rather nice.

7. In December we once again hosted our annual family party on Christmas Eve. This year there were five names on the invitation– mine, my kids’, my ex’s, and his girlfriend’s. She did half the baking. I discussed with some new friends the need to attach an explanation for those who aren’t clued in to the situation. It might be titled “What, exactly, is going on in this house…”

6. When my kids talk about our family they include me, my ex, his girlfriend, and her dog (my step-dog). The dog was really the last hold-out in all of this. He ignored me for at least a year, acknowledging me only if I was the sole human in the house during a thunderstorm. He now frequently climbs into my lap or sleeps at my feet while I work, even when there are other people around.

5. My ex recently tried to discourage me from breaking up with a guy I was dating. He said “I’m not trying to tell you what to do…” (a critical preface) “…but you seemed to really like him.”

4. A couple of weeks ago when my daughter said “We’re lucky, we have two Moms” I didn’t feel even a twinge of anything but happiness for my kids. Although I’ll admit to a twinge of… something… the day she called me by his girlfriend’s name and explained it by saying “She’s around a lot more than you. You’re always working.”

3. In January we spent a week together at Disney World. All five of us. We really, truly had a great time. (Hint: When the number of adults is larger than the number of kids, family vacations and amusement park trips are waaaay more enjoyable.)

2. We’re currently finalizing the architectural drawings for the addition we’re putting on our house. It will allow us all to have a little more space and a little more privacy. With this one we’re putting our money where our mouths are– a couple hundred thousand worth of our money. So no, we’re not kidding around.

1. And finally, last month my ex and I re-friended each other on Facebook. This probably tells you more about where we’re at than any of the above.

– Mylilhurricane

I got a haircut today for the first time in about a year.  I found myself talking to my new stylist telling her she should go see this musician I really like.  I went on and on about what a great live performer she is and how much I have loved to see her in concert.  When my stylist asked me if I was going, I laughed out loud and said, “No way.  It starts at 9.”  Holy shit.  That is what I actually said so that someone else was able to hear me.  Does anyone remember when you couldn’t get to the club before 1o:30 or 11 because no one would be there?  Home by 3 a.m.?  If I am awake at 3 a.m. now I am pissed off because some pint-sized alarm clock woke me up.

Does the fact that we went to a 4:30 movie make us seem like  grannies?  Maybe.  But I am ok with that.  I am ok with us being two of four people in the otherwise empty theater.  I am ok with texting home during the movie to find out if my boy ate all his dinner.  I am ok with rushing back to the house after dinner to try to be asleep by 10.  I am ok with all of that.  It was still a date.

-Betsy

Seriously, I just wanna burn the mother fucker down but my children deserve better.

ALL of them.

My oldest, the Nerdling, has had to deal with his grandmother who struggled as a parent trying to be a near primary caregiver for most of his life. My younger 2 children think the sun rises and sets on their grandmother’s shoulders and I sincerely want things to stay that way despite the regrettable fact that she tried to have their second Mommy banished from their lives based on her polyphobia…

After the Mother of Morning Glory set her ultimatum for Hoyden’s departure I’ve been wrestling with the issues surrounding a mother rejecting both her daughter and her surrogate daughter, her grandchildren and their surrogate mother, and myself and the second Mother in my life to reject me because I wasn’t Godly enough…

I’ve always believed that family was forever but family (and friends close enough to be considered family) have tested that notion by slipping knife after knife into my ribcage while I’ve slumbered, content in my naivety. However; I’ve always felt that I’d rather be burnt, abused, and battered a HUNDRED TIMES OVER rather than let myself be hardened or desensitized to love, passion, and pain.

The last week hasn’t been easy, trying to keep everyone civil and prevent the words and grudges of generations being issued and handed down for the future to misinterpret and commit to memory.

Life is hard and ultimately it’s only each other we have to depend upon before we die. I sincerely hope all my loved ones find peace with each other

We have a new home. We have each other. We have the chance to build something beautiful or make a mess of it…

I will stand on the side of optimism there for the people and the ideals involved are too precious to me and the beauty of my very soul to doubt the validity of… Ultimately, defeatism in the battlefield is so harshly viewed as it has a tendency to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Love, patience, and forgiveness are the ideals in which we must put our hope.

Love, patience, and forgiveness…

Yes.

1. Women are faced with only three options when they are beginning into life when they are pregnant but are hesitant about it.  First, they can have an abortion.  Second, they can commit to adoption and risk breaking the hearts of the potential adoptive parents (this is really not an option for some women such as married women) and either keep or give up the baby where both options have a very negative consequence if they later feel that they made the wrong choice, or if they choose neither adoption or abortion and they are stuck with the baby or face humiliation and disdain. (The other new option is here listed last.)
2. 10% of pregnant women get postpartum immediately but NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.  It was even taboo for Brooke Shields just to talk about regular after birth baby blues or PP depression or psychosis. In other words, pregnancy sucks.  Young girls and women NEED TO HEAR this so that they can make an informed decision about whether to get married/pregnant young or choose a career and also for women with a history of mental illness in her life or family history and also.  Additionally this encourages safe sex with CONDOMS and gives a little bit of peace and security and a more public availability for her to discuss her problems with family/online etc. and not feel so ashamed about “failing” as a pregnant woman.  No woman should feel so alone and ashamed as I did.
3. Prescription drugs ARE an option for pregnant women but that is NEVER DISCUSSED in a public forum.  In fact I have read about women getting abortions because they didn’t know that they were pregnant too long and felt that their babies were already harmed by the Rx they had been taking in the beginning.  In reality these women could have gone to a high-risk doctor and that doctor may likely have recommended/strongly encouraged that they never have stopped ay medications in the first place.  Of course I must qualify this commentary with the reality that in the case that a baby does come out with deformities or disabilities that woman will wonder and feel guilt and shame forever despite the reality that there is no proof that the problems occurred as a result of the medications.
4. Women do not realize that the risks of domestic violence greatly increase during pregnancy and her overall power and strength in the world to protect herself during pregnancy and also going forward in life due to 50% of the girl’s bodies being ruined.  A woman who feels alone will not leave an abuser especially when she is debilitated with despair and sickness.
5. Women are programed to mate for life.  There should be someone to stand up for a woman’s right not to live by the standard set forth by her mother before her and so on.
6. 50% of men abandon his children in the case of separation (when can often be prompted by the addition of a baby in and of itself) and NEVER see the child again.  But if a woman does it she is forever marked as a bad person.
7. A lift of this strict and ridiculous double-standard gives women options and power and NO SHAME to live with for the rest of her life.
8. My goal was to be a surrogate or donate eggs to gay men.  That has always been a dream.  I cannot fulfill it since I know that I can never be pregnant again but the concept of co-parenting is so unknown in the mainstream.  Here women who want offspring but also have other more important goals (or know that they cannot be responsible enough) have an option to be mothers and basically “have it all”.
9. Also, in the bad economy surrogacy is another way that a woman can keep her independence but not have to starve to become prostitutes.
10. The concept of barter and sharing is overarching many topics.
11. For example, nannies cost a lot.  But there are hopeless women everywhere with nothing.  If I had the option to go and help another couple when I was pregnant and being beaten with no options except a DV shelter I would have jumped on it.  When I did this kind of trade women fought over the position even though there was no pay.  The model for the correct living arrangement of parents and children together and no room for someone else (when there is in fact room for another person) needs to be modified.  Not everyone needs this but there are a lot of people who could surely benefit from it and as I discuss a lot, no one CARES.
12. What is so wrong anyway about giving women, homosexuals, struggling families who cannot afford daycare OPTIONS?
13. Why is it that if a woman is raped for 10 minutes it is socially acceptable for her to abort her child but if a woman has a child after being beaten and tortured for nine months, and then later realizes that she is not competent she is condemned? I’D HAVE RATHER BEEN RAPED FOR TEN MINUTES THAN GO THROUGH THE HELL I WENT THROUGH!

This all may seem controversial and blunt but that is how I work.  I NEVER LIE or sugarcoat.

Parents who have a simple, well-designed parenting plan create the way for their on-going parenting commitments to be effective and meaningful. A parenting plan becomes the roadmap to ensure that each person in the family knows what to expect and what to do.

A simple, workable plan allows for the day-to-day decisions of parenting to be handled smoothly. It provides the means for children and parents alike to have less stress, a manageable schedule, and predictability in their daily lives. It allows for the needs of children to be central and the adults to take the responsibility to create negotiable, but consistent routine.
Creating a plan for co-parenting requires nothing less than effort, good will, correct information, tolerance for frustration, open-mindedness, reasonable cooperation, and kindness.

Definition of Terms:

Effort — the energy required to discuss the applicable details of your child’s next three, six, and twelve months.

Good Will — the intention to accomplish the most good for the greatest number of people involved in the family as decisions are made.

Correct Information — the most complete and accurate information that you have about your work schedule, school schedules, extended family obligations, vacations, holidays, and specific needs of individuals.

Tolerance for Frustration — the patience required when dealing with uncertain factors and unknown variables.

Open-Mindedness — the willingness to believe that each person is doing the best that can be done in the moment. Patience is often required.

Reasonable Cooperation — This requires the same commitment to problem solving that you would make to an employee or a difficult supervisor.

Kindness — the commitment of treating the other parent the way you would want to be treated.

Next Post: “What Your Co-Parenting Plan can Provide Your Family (and How to Achieve It)”

(image above from Julie de Azevedo Hanks in It’s ALL about the KIDS ♥)

Mind. Body. Spirit. What is one thing you’re doing this week to improve yourself in at least one of these areas?!!? #focus.

I started reading John C. Maxwell’s book “Leadership 101″ this past weekend.    In it, he describes qualities necessary for true leadership — influence, integrity, attitude, vision, problem-solving, and self-discipline. I see that those are totally correct, and made me look inward at what I am doing now, and what still needs to be done in those areas.

I haven’t read a book in a little while and I realized that my down time to read has been divided into other compartments lately.   I’m working on that.    I had a discussion with my pal Brian last week and we discussed total fitness of oneself , which goes beyond working out.  Brian pointed out that total wellness should be of Mind, Body, and Spiritual.

He’s 100% correct.

Here are seven things I’m currently trying to accomplish in various areas of “life improvement”:

1. MIND:   going back to school to finish education is going well.  I find Accounting to be more interesting than I even imagined, and I enjoy working spreadsheets. Not enough to do it for a living, but I am definitely learning better business practices.
2. MIND:  Reading more books and getting back on board the learning train is a must.   I think one non fiction book a month is a more than decent goal of continuous improvement.
3. MIND:  Spending time with the kiddo and being a better dad is something I am always shooting for.  I find the extra endorphin spike of my time with him carries me for days than when I don’t have him as consistently.  It’s good to have your perspective change to see things through your child’s eyes every now and  then.
4. BODY: Running twice weekly has been the norm even despite snow and cold temperatures.   On non running days I get a micro workout in by doing at least 100 pushups everyday.  I’ve built up enough that I can probably start shooting for 200 daily.  And it takes just minutes of the day to accomplish.
5. BODY:  Melissa and I are trying to work on the diet improvement.  I haven’t tried my friend Katie’s wonderful recipes yet, but Mel and I agree trying to go meatless a couple nights a week is good for the budget as well as the body.
6. SPIRIT:  Since January 1 I have been working on my one year Bible reading daily, via You Version.  The free bible app gets you started and you can jump on the app anywhere to read (takes >10 minutes a day) and you can even have it emailed to you if you like.  Spending time in God’s word makes me more mindful and thankful for what I am blessed with.
7. SPIRIT:  Finishing Financial Peace University (FPU) was a great boost for both of us.  I think we have really refocused our spending and saving habits.  Helped to think longer term about providing for Dom long term and to realize that we need to forego some crap we don’t need  stuff buying to have money for things that ARE more important to us- like our Home.  Our Retirement.  And future family expansion.

Without some sort of plan on where to improve, as well as not executing the plan- even in small baby steps- keeps you mired in the now.  Face it, most people are in a funk nowadays.  Debt, Employment (or the lack thereof), Weather, Living Conditions..  there’s bad stuff all around us.     And there is always something we can do around us, or within ourselves, to IMPROVE OUR OWN SELVES.   I spent a long time in my last job in a world of negativity.    The past two years has been an interesting one, and it’s allowed me to push myself in different ways than I ever dreamed, simply because I have tried to focus my efforts on improving the things around and in me that I can change.

Anything you’re working on to improve yourself?

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.” – Anthony Brandt

Five and a half years ago when my daughter came into the world, she was born into a family that loved her; she had a mama and an Ima who couldn’t wait to watch her grow up.

Fast forward five and a half years; a lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same.  E’s mama and I are no longer together, though we are wickedly awesome at this co-parenting thing (at least I think). E has grown up and is now a headstrong kindergartener with more energy than all the grown-ups I know combined. E’s mama and I have stayed close and we both have amazing partners. I’m proud of us all for the way we work together to give E what’s best and truly care for one another; our family has expanded in ways I never knew were possible.

That doesn’t mean it’s always easy…

No matter how much we might wish otherwise, no parent can be there to witness and share in every moment of their child’s life.  A child grows up and goes off into the world with increasing independence; you expect to miss (and later hear about in great dramatic detail) a scraped knee or a bruised feeling that happened at school, this or that, here or there.  Any parent is (at least semi) prepared for that.

What you’re not prepared for is what happens when you read about your kid on someone else’s blog.  Or at least I wasn’t when I read about my daughter on this blog.  A simple recounting of 5-year old ridiculousness over some wet bed sheets by Ethan (Mama’s boyfriend).    My first thought was “oh yeah, I can totally see E doing that!” Followed quickly by, “As her Ima, I should have been the one to deal with that level of ridiculousness.”  Hello, Parental Guilt.

At times like this, as a parent, I feel bad. Am I missing out on parts of my daughter’s life? She has another whole part of her life that only includes me in the peripheral co-parenting sense and sometimes that’s a really strange feeling to have.  There’s this nagging sense of guilt that sneaks up every once in a while because I couldn’t give my daughter that poetic “normal” happy family; both parents happily together under one roof. And then I promptly remember that “normal” is overrated. Our new normal, it works for us.  E has a family that loves her; she has a mama and an Ethan, and an Ima and a Lisa (and a Nathan) who can’t wait to watch her grow up.

In the end, it’s a different life, and a different family for E than what we had intended when she was born, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful all the same.

Yesterday I went to the doctor because my throat felt so swollen I could barely swallow or speak. I have been sick since December, with varying degrees of misery. Yesterday the doctor told me that my immune system is compromised. She told me it could be from any of a number of things, but she guessed that it was stress. “Are you a single mom?” she asked. I told her I was, and she began with a barrage of questions: “do you have anyone to help you? Why can’t you move to be closer to your parents? Your ex is okay with you having 98% custody, but you can’t move?” I was fighting back tears by the end of it. I know she was trying to help, but it brought a lot of feelings to the surface. I am a single mother. I have no help. I have no backup when my child or I is sick. My ex-husband continually tries to make my life miserable. I just broke up with my boyfriend only to find out he betrayed me. I’m sick again. And, as of last night at 8pm, Bebe is sick again too, with a 102.5° fever.

I missed an entire week of work just two weeks ago because Bebe was sick. My ex-husband refused to take any time off to help me care for her, and my mother-in-law couldn’t help either. As soon as she felt better, Bebe was back at daycare, and I was back at work—with both the flu and pink-eye myself, just because I don’t want to get fired.

I am stressed out about money. I had to pay a lot of money for the daycare issues that happened in November/December/January, and I no longer can afford to pay upfront for my bankruptcy. Not to mention how much the legal fees will be to deal with the crap my ex-husband pulled last week.

Is it any wonder that my immune system is compromised? I haven’t had a break in years. It’s funny…I find myself saying “it’s been a rough month” for months on end. Then I realize it’s not just since I left my husband that it’s been hard…it’s been hard ever since Bebe was born. Then I think, “no, it was hard when I was pregnant, too, because my ex-husband was really awful to deal with and I had ‘morning’ sickness throughout the pregnancy.” But no. It’s been longer than that, because I’ve been dealing with the stress of running my own business and an emotionally abusive “partner” (this is in quotes because he certainly doesn’t meet the definition of a partner) for years.

A lot of these things are my own fault, a result of my own poor choices in career and “partner.” But now that I’m making better choices for myself, things still aren’t calming down. Things that are beyond my control, like my Ex and illnesses, make it really hard to function sometimes.

When I look at the big picture, though, things are slowly improving. Very slowly, but improving nonetheless. For example, we now have an apartment where we can stay as long as we’d like (provided my landlord doesn’t kick me out for declaring bankruptcy, which I hope he won’t). Bebe appears to be in a daycare where she can stay until she starts kindergarten. And my job is good for now. I also no longer have the day-to-day stress of being in a non-monogamous relationship (although I am still mourning the loss of someone I was in love with).

Now that I no longer have non-monogamy to obsess over, it seems like I would have a lot of room in my brain for other stuff. But you know what? I am exhausted. A friend of mine told me that I should start online dating again. But dear lord…no. Not only do I not want to get online again, but the very prospect of dating…ugh, I can’t even think about it.

Perhaps the next chapter in this mini-saga is about finally building my life here in our new city. New Guy was the last thing tying me to Oakland (besides Ex, of course). Maybe it’s time to find some new friends in my new city, and maybe even a new hobby or two.

Sigh.

On the same day that the Dutch foundation ‘Young heroes’ brought the importance of support and guidance of children and youngsters after the event of death of a family member or a divorce/separation to the attention on the worldwide web with their websites ‘parents of young heroes’ and ‘for young heroes’ (both only in Dutch), there was also sad news about a 12 year old boy in Belgium who had committed suicide because of his parents’ divorce.

With her campaign ‘What you say in a divorce can mark a child forever’ SIRE, the Dutch foundation for idealistic commercials answered this call: paying more attention to these children.

A divorce brings a lot of hassle. Reality shows that a good financial settlement is priority number one.

From my point of view people first need to be able again to communicate with each other, whether or not with mediation. A good communication is a requirement for a good completion of the divorce in every respect, especially when children are involved.

When parents divorce a good reciprocal communication contributes enormously to the child dealing with and accepting the divorce. Possible harmful effects of the divorce on the child’s future life can me limited this way.

A good communication between the separated parents can prevent fights in the presence of the child, can create conditions to provide the child clarity and the child can count on the love and support of both parents. Advice that SIRE campaign also shares.

Just like bringing in experts for the financial settlement of the divorce, there is also a possibility to bring in the help of an expert for the guidance of the parent and their child in divorce.

Not only what is said during a divorce but especially what is done as a divorced parent can mark the child.

Yesterday I had a dinner with my partner in a small Italian restaurant in Amstelveen. Next to us was a couple with their child. They did not talk that much to each other, but we heard the constant beep of a Blackberry. For a moment I thought it was the teen keeping her peers posted about the dinner with her parents. However, it was her mother. ‘Mum can I have a subscription?’ Her mother shook her head, while she was pinging. Desert was served; mum took a bite and was preparing to leave. ‘Mum, mum, please stay …’ Mum seemed to want nothing but to leave for her appointment and she drives away. Shortly afterwards, the girl leaves with her father. That look on the little girl’s face I will never forget. She enjoyed being together with both her parents.

A child that can spend time with his or her separated parents wants – understandably – nothing else but being together with her parents and their full attention. Is it that hard to switch of completely or just the sound of your phone or Blackberry?

This article has been written for and published in Dutch on the Dutch online newspaper Dichtbij.nl on April 29, 2011

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

Would you like to use this article for a magazine, newsletter or on a website? That is possible, provided that the following information with an active link to the website mentioned is included: “By Su Changoe from Tara Mediation. For more information visit her website: www.taramediation.com.”

When children are small, many parents seem to think that the little ones don’t notice anything. Psychological study though has shown that reality shows otherwise unfortunately.
Children do sense their parents’ divorce. They have trouble sleeping, eating, cry a lot and if they are able to speak, they start asking questions. It also happens a lot, that children start comforting their parents when they sense that their parent is really sad because of the situation.

Children from 8 to 12 can react extreme to their parents’ announcing a divorce. Even if they witness their parents’ daily fights, mommy and Daddy cannot separate in any way!
Children going to high school are able to find consolation in their direct environment or hope to find comfort and understanding through social media with their peers who are going through or have gone through the same.

More than often, children of 12 years and older are quite fed up with the fights and do understand their parents’ decision, but are having troubles dealing with the process. Parents who have already separated, but are still in touch with each other by phone to settle things, don’t realize that their children do not wish to hear their argument on the phone, especially when studying for an exam.

If the reason for divorce is because one parent has preferred a life with someone else above his or her family, teens show very emotional reactions. Their required corporation, for exampling by signing a child’s statement, can cause problems in this situation. This is also counts for the content of the parenting plan. A child explicitly wants for example that the other parent alone, without the new partner, comes to pick up the child and alone the other parent, without the new partner, spends time with him or her.

Until now I have met one couple where the children were and are priority number one. They already separated for real. They had their own house, where the children had their own room. The time spent with each parent, was without the new partner. Gradually, when it became clear that the children aged 4 and 8 were realizing that mom and dad were not an item anymore, the new partner came in to their lives. To the parents these were the conditions before starting the divorce procedure.

Two teens whose parents I provided mediation I received this wonderful message:
‘While mum and dad were too busy fighting all the time, Mrs. Sue also made our parents listen to us, so we could make the parenting TOGETHER. We understand that mum and dad are better of separated, but mum and dad also understand that we suffer from it.’

A divorce happens to be difficult process and has an effect on each member of the family, so handle each other with care, mostly and especially with respect to your children.
This is why I advise everyone who is about to divorce to first write down together the parenting plan, because despite both of you going separate ways as ex-partners, the children stay, your children stay in your hands put together as parents.

This article has been written for and published on the Dutch online newspaper Dichtbij.nl on April 22, 2011

About Su Changoe
Su Changoe is the owner of Tara Mediation. Tara Mediation guides couple who are considering a divorce or separation, couples who have decided to divorce and already divorced individual. For these individuals Tara Mediation provides the workshop ‘Claim your spot! – from partner to single’. More information www.taramediation.com

For more information about Tara Mediation, interview requests or images you can contact Su Changoe by phone: +31 (0)-21603781 or e-mail: su.changoe@taramediation.com Also visit the website: www.taramediation.com

Would you like to use this article for a magazine, newsletter or on a website? That is possible, provided that the following information with an active link to the website mentioned is included: “By Su Changoe from Tara Mediation. For more information visit her website: www.taramediation.com.”

Volunteering on the Parents Anonymous Family Helpline is a little like being the Wizard of Oz. We always tell people who call the line that we are not trained counselors but that we are there to listen and help as we can with referrals to other resources. Once in a while we can reach down in the bag and pull out some small gift like the watch for the Tin Man or the medal for the Cowardly Lion.

One such caller was a mother crying uncontrollably. She had just received a simple handmade birthday card from her daughter. As the mother talked and cried I listened. From what I gathered she has not had custody of her thirteen-year-old daughter for some time. She has visitation and summer vacation privileges but the girl now lives out of state with her father and his new wife.

The mother went on with the reason for her tears. She had spent a small fortune in the last year on presents for the girl, not just any presents but things any thirteen-year-old would love to have. It cost a lot to send the gifts by mail but her daughter was worth every penny. And then the mother’s birthday rolls around and what does her daughter give her but a plain sheet of paper with hand drawn pictures and a little note. She couldn’t understand how her daughter could have the nerve to send her this poor, hand written excuse of a birthday card. Why couldn’t she at least buy her a pretty card from a store?

I asked the mother to read to me what her daughter had written on the paper and through her tears this is what she read: “Happy Birthday Mom! I miss you so much every day. I remember all the fun times we had and count the days till I see you again. I say ‘thank you’ for our special relationship every time I pray. I love you Mom. I hope you have a very special day today.”

With that my own eyes began to fill with tears. I asked the mother again how old her daughter was. “Thirteen,” she replied. I pointed out that at thirteen the girl can’t possibly drive a car and in most states she can’t even hold a job. She said her daughter could have asked her dad for the money to buy a card.

I told the mother she was right; that the girl could have asked her dad for two dollars and then gone in to any store and plopped the money on the counter for a pretty card filled with someone else’s words but she didn’t. Instead, the girl took what she did have, plain paper and a pen. Then she put her own heartfelt words down on paper for her mom to read.

I asked her again to read what her daughter had written. She began again but more slowly this time. “Happy Birthday Mom. I hope you have a very special day today…” And as she read the words written by her daughter I reached into the Wizard of Oz’s bag and pulled out the greatest gift of all for this mother— a daughter’s love.

The mother still cried but these were a different kind of tear. She told me she was so glad she had made the call to the Family Helpline, that she felt so much better.

As a Volunteer on the Family Helpline you listen and help when you can. You can give referrals to people who are being evicted or have no food. You can refer a stressed out parent to a Parents Anonymous group near them or find help for the neglected elderly. And then once in a while you can do like the Wizard of Oz and touch a life forever.

Now I ask you, “Who benefits more from being a Volunteer on the Parents Anonymous Family Helpline?”

Talk with a Volunteer or Find a Group in New Jersey:

Family Helpline
1-800-843-5437 or 1-800-THE-KIDS

Parents Anonymous® of New Jersey, Inc.
Phone: (609) 585-7666
Fax: (609) 585-7686
E-mail: PANJInfo@PAofNJ.org
Website: www.PA-of-NJ.org

Jackie Saulmon Ramirez has served as a volunteer with Parents Anonymous^® of New Jersey, Inc. for more than twenty years, giving and getting support. Jackie writes these ‘Reminders’ for parents who attend the online support groups. The groups are found at www.pa-of-nj.org every Wednesday 9 p.m. and Thursday 12 Noon. To receive the ‘Reminder,’ send her a message below. Website: http://www.JackieSaulmonRamirez.com