Times are tough.  People all over America warm themselves nightly with fires started with the deeds to their homes or the stocks that they planned to save for their retirement.  Someone, somewhere, at this very moment, is skinning little Johnny’s pet rabbit so that the family can once again eat a meal that doesn’t involve Pop Tarts.

In times like these, you need to save money however you can.  In most cases, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of money saved and the pleasantness of your shopping experience; that is to say that if you’re saving a lot of money – chances are that you won’t have fun doing it.  I’ve prepared a graph of this relationship (below).

Shopping for your groceries at ‘Large Retailer’ will provide you with such an opportunity.   If you plan ahead and keep a few things in mind, you’ll survive.  Many of these rules are similar to the Pro Tips Guide To Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse.

1.    The people that you will encounter are unlike any you’ve ever seen before.  This rule is negated and the passage about it can be skipped if you grew up in a trailer park.

The average ‘Large Retailer’ shopper has the IQ of a Dixie cup.  They will understand nothing that doesn’t involve chewing tobacco, Nascar, or Toby Keith.  Try to learn a little about each before going so that you’re prepared if the worst happens and you need to communicate with one of them.

For instance:
You can’t get your cart through the aisle because Jimbo is bent over, with his ass hanging out, reading a magazine.  You could say:

“Excuse me, sir.  May I pass?”

This will be ignored.  Instead, you must say something like:

“Hey there, good buddy.  I’m going to leave some of my paint on your fender if I try to pass you on the right.”

It may not be completely “in dialect,” but it should be close enough to get him to slide his cart to the side so that you can pass.

2.    When you arrive at ‘Large Retailer’, park across the street.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but parking across the street will actually save you a lot of time. Seemingly apropos of item number one, the parking lots at ‘Large Retailer’ are designed by chimpanzees with methamphetamine problems.  The upper management of ‘Large Retailer’ love irony.  All of the lanes are usually arranged at odd angles that make turning in and out of them even more difficult.  This compounds the problems that arise from the facts that ‘Large Retailer’ is always busy and that the people that shop there are retarded (see number one).  It can become quite congested.  With a little planning at the outset, and a spot across the street, you can save yourself time and irritation.

3.    Bring an MP3 player and headphones.

I would’ve said ‘bring your iPod’, but I know that many of the self-congratulatory assholes that use MP3 players that aren’t iPods are quite proud of themselves.  Way to go douche, you found the one that Altec Lansing (or whatever) puts out.  Anyway …

The MP3 player is essential.  You have no idea now, but you’ll thank me as soon as you get there.  As I stated in point number one, you do not want to communicate with these people.  The headphones will allow you to pass off grunting for language; conversations with these people aren’t all that different from grunting anyhow.

Also, you won’t have to hear their conversations.  I forgot my headphones once.  I’ll never get those ten IQ points back.  Taking this simple step will allow you to avoid all of the inanity and ridiculousness of the average shopper.  You’ll even avoid hearing the sound of the trash beating their children; you’ll still see it, but it’s not like you can blind yourself (though that would help) so I guess you’re stuck with that.

4.    Make yourself a scary shirt.

Now, this is an important one.  It must be grungy and homemade.  It must point out to everyone around you that you are not to be trifled with.  These cretins feed on fear. You must show none.  You must make them afraid of you.  You must make it look like you’ve painted on a wall in a pregnant woman’s blood before.  This is the most important thing that you need to do.  There’s no other way.  They will take advantage of you if you do not do this.  You want the last box of Fruit Roll-ups?  Tough shit, Cletus is taking it.  And what are you going to do about it?  Exactly.

I’ve included some shots of my scary shirt (below).

This is the front:

This is the back:

5.    Wear comfortable shoes.

You’re going to spend a lot of time standing around, whether it be in the aisles or while waiting to checkout.  It’s necessary to avoid blisters at all costs.  It’s bad enough to have to deal with shopping at ‘Large Retailer’ without them.

DO NOT WEAR FLIP FLOPS OR CROCS.  They will think that you’re one of them.  This will encourage conversation and you do not want that.  You know nothing of septic tanks or sister-fucking so it can only end in disaster.

6.    Wear a backpack.

It seems like you wouldn’t want to carry anything on your back.  You’d think it would make your experience less pleasant.  What it actually will do is serve to form a buffer for you.  It’s going to be crowded.  Space will be at a premium.  A backpack will guarantee you a bit more personal space as you travel down the aisles.

You can avoid the back pain that comes with carrying a heavy load by packing the backpack full of Styrofoam.  This will give you the minimum amount of weight for the space.  Like my uncle Scrooge McDuck used to say: ‘work smarter, not harder.’

7.    Learn to scowl like a mentally ill person.

Like I’ve pointed out previously (see number four), the average ‘Large Retailer’ shopper feeds on fear.  You must develop a look that tells them that you are the kind of person that has drawn a picture in feces before.  It is also critical that you learn to hold the look for long periods of time.

Also, make sure that you run it by at least one or two of your friends.  It is imperative that these are friends that you can trust to tell you the truth.  If they lie to you because they think it’s funny, that’s not going to help.  This look should scare the shit out of your friends.  If it doesn’t, you aren’t ready yet.  It’s time for more practice, practice, practice.

8.    Carry a concealed weapon (Texas only)

It may come down to combat.  This is just an avoidable fact of life when you decide to shop at ‘Large Retailer’.  If you’re shopping at a ‘Large Retailer’ location in Texas, make sure to bring a concealed weapon.  A pistol is ideal, but a large knife will work if you’re not a gun person.  While it is legal in Texas to carry a rocket launcher or an axe, the management of ‘Large Retailer’ will not allow you to bring one in unless you’re buying a television that is larger than fifty inches.

Just know, and make sure that you’re able to cut a bitch if you have to.  Shopping there may come to that.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “I’m not a violent person.  This doesn’t apply to me.”  I used to think that as well.  Four years later, I wear an ear necklace made entirely from ears I took in skirmishes at ‘Large Retailer’.

In conclusion, shopping at ‘Large Retailer’ can save you some money in this tough economic climate.  You must keep some things in mind though.  The most important thing to remember is that you’re going to have to plan and consider the differences that you have with the others that you come across.

Good Luck!

Oscar Monteforte is one of the smartest men alive. When he’s not solving the problems of the entire world, he’s modeling. Oscar was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2008. He lives in Atlantis with his mer-queen and mer-children. He strives always to tell the truth and be humble. Under no circumstances should his opinions or advice be taken seriously. Mr. Monteforte makes no guarantee about the veracity of the statements he’s made, nor will he ever. Take it for what it’s worth.

This advertisement is for one gently-used, tenderly-loved soul. It’s been through a number of relatively short term leases to this point, and I feel as though it’s time for a permanent owner. It’s a bit blackened around the edges, but otherwise presents as a genuinely new fresh-out-of-the-box soul. Unforunately, I can’t provide photos at the moment because my camera is broken. Trust me though, it’s nere-cherry.

I expect this to garner a lot of interest so get your offer in today. All offers will be subject to credit check or request for cash up front.

Please email offers and questions to oscarmonteforte@gmail.com.

Please no nude photos.  I’m disinterested in barter.

Must be a non-smoker.

Grand Theft Auto IV will be on retailer shelves today; the day that you’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. Of course I, being an Internationally Known Superstar™, have already played it. I had agreed not to talk about it until it was released. I, for one, am proud of my restraint.

How was it? It was kind of disappointing. Don’t get me wrong, GTA IV is ok. It’s basically the same concept as the rest of all the other games. You run around and steal cars and hit people with shit. So that works, but then again it always has. The real problem with it is that it really doesn’t do anything differently at all. As a result, it’s kind of boring.

I’m glad that the basics are the same. I’m not looking for them to ‘sell out’. For instance, adding features from Cooking Mama would clearly be a mistake. I’d really like them to enhance and expand the existing features. For instance, hitting police officers with lead pipes just doesn’t do it for me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them to take that out of the game; I just want to be able to take it a bit further. I’d like it if they’d allow me to say … ‘dismember’ a police officer. I think that would be a great strategy. If you can dismember a cop in GTA IV then you’re happy, and they’ve left slow-roasting and cannibalizing a cop for GTA V. Everyone wins in this scenario (except the cop).

How about some special features? What if they allow you to bang a dog after you’ve beaten the game three times? How about giving players extra points for beheading nuns in front of school children? I think it’s important to go further than last year’s tame ‘Hot Coffee’ mod.

The real problem, and I’m sure you’ll agree, is that Rockstar is content with depravity when they could really be pushing the envelope. It’s time for them to put up or shut up. If you’re going to make cutting-edge video games then people should logically blame you for school shootings. Is anyone going to blame GTA IV when Little Billy goes into his Bumfuck, Idaho elementary school and knocks off fifty of his classmates? No, they won’t. Rockstar played it safe. The made a game for the kind of kids that are loved by their friends’ parents. That’s not for me. I want the game for the kid with the purple mohawk. Fucking pussies.

(I made this entire review up. I’ve never played it. I don’t care about it. I’m just being a smartass. Do whatever you already intended to do in regards to your videogame purchases.)