It’s perfectly natural.

Food and sports just go together. There’s nothing like sitting down, watching your favorite team and eating a snack that is just as likely to lube an engine as it is to clog your arteries.

It typically doesn’t matter what you’re eating, because chances are if it’s a close game, you’re going to windup with heartburn anyhow, right?

But every once in a while you come across something that shouldn’t ever go with watching sports, and quite frankly you can’t be quite certain was actually food to begin with.

I came across such a dish at lunch today.

I’m a very routine person. I don’t like too much variety or change. Granted, I’m no Odd Thomas so I have more of a wardrobe, but I typically eat the same meal(s) every week at lunch. My selection of choice for the past 7 months or so has been Stouffer’s panini sandwiches.

This past weekend as I’m pushing my 3 year old through the frozen food section I decided I wanted to try something different. Rather than going for a brand I knew or making something at home to bring, I opted for the next closest thing. It happened to be Tai Pei frozen Chinese food.

 Me and Chinese food, we typically get a long. But if Tai Pei is anything, it isn’t two things: 1- food to eat watching sports, 2-Chinese food. First off, there’s no sign of MSG in site, and the chicken clearly looked like chicken instead of my neighbor’s 7 lb. kick me puppy. More importantly, whatever it actually was, it felt more like I was eating one of those giant rubber balls with Superman on it that you get at Wal-Mart for $2.50.

 Once I got past the texture, it was all down-hill from there. I’m convinced that the cardboard box it came in would have tasted more like chicken than the chicken actually did. It comes with what are meant to be bell peppers. But I may as well have been Dan Akroid in Coneheads chewing “bubblegum.”

Now, I suppose some have stronger stomachs than I do, and their taste buds have been singed off from simultaneously eating five habenero peppers after losing a bet they shouldn’t have made. But unless you consider yourself to be a human garbage disposal and have no sense of taste or smell, do the smart thing and eat the left-over liver and onions that have been sitting in the back of your fridge for three months before purchasing anything that is meant to be microwaveable Chinese food.

CONEHEADS
the originals

(Neil Innes, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam)

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Rock Monster. The Sci-Fi channel. Oh, excuse me, they now go by SyFy.  Are they serious? I am going to call them Siffy for short. Like the disease. A disease of bad movies. Which brings us to Rock Monster.

This is a movie about a monster. Made of rocks. Now spiders are scary. A giant spider scarier. How bout a werewolf or a witch or a demonic child? But a giant boulder? I have damaged my car driving into them by “accident”. I once jammed my ankle in a crevice created by two boulders. But the idea of a 15 foot creature made of rock? Have you seen Galaxy Quest or Coneheads? Rock Monsters in both and those are comedies.

But, hell, I watched the damn movie. I watched it because I have no life. And Siffy, bad movies and all, is there for me. I can’t wait to re-watch Ice Spiders.

Now as a follically challenged man myself, the adage of throwing stones inside glass houses springs to mind but Marc Andressen … is he?

Galway girls force Cork to a draw – Galway Advertiser – May 28, 2009.

By: Michelle Burke · RSS May 26, 2009. Share This: Digg! submit to reddit · Print · Discuss; Rating: Text size: OfficeArrow Premium Content. Do you frequently wake up in the middle of the night, panicked about all of the tasks left on …

Does Elliott have a lingering ritualistic attachment to “Coneheads,” the 1993 Dan Akroyd-Jane Curtin movie? One of its most famous bits starts with the Coneheads& daughter (played by Michelle Burke): Connie: I think I&ll have some Tang. …

Galway had the breeze and were first on the score board with a pointed free from Michelle Burke. After about seven minutes Cork&s Grace Kearney struck for goal. Although Gillian O&Connor responded with a point for Galway, Cork then hit …

By: Michelle Burke · RSS May 26, 2009. Share This: Digg! submit to reddit · Print · Discuss; Rating: Text size: OfficeArrow Premium Content. Do you frequently wake up in the middle of the night, panicked about all of the tasks left on …

By: Michelle Burke · RSS May 26, 2009. Share This: Digg! submit to reddit · Print · Discuss; Rating: Text size: OfficeArrow Premium Content. Do you frequently wake up in the middle of the night, panicked about all of the tasks left on …

No wonder Lady Gaga did not want to be seen or photographed with her hair like this!

She was probably inspired by the 1993 movie Coneheads!!!

The only good thing with this ‘do is that Lady Gaga now stands at 6′1′!!

Can you believe this ‘do was for date night at a Japanese restaurant!! hahaha Hopefully, they were not heading to the movies afterwards!

Attention Coneheads. posted by Pat Sharpe at 12:59 PM. Just got an announcement: The Mighty Cone food trailer is having its opening day this Saturday all day (from 11 to 11) at 1603 S. Congress, that’s the southeast corner of Congress …[More..]

Yesterday on The Huffington Post, Dennis Perrin, Michael O

¿Podría uno imaginar un lugar más inapropiado para el estupendo grupo de rock californiano Red Hot Chili Peppers que la banda sonora de Coneheads, infumable subproducto de comedia-ciencia ficción titulada en España Los Caraconos? Pues en efecto, en la música de este truño de 1993 con Dan Aykroyd como protagonista, está incluida, además del ochentero Tainted love de Soft Cell, este pedazo de tema, Soul to squeeze, con un vídeo que anda a medio camino entre los Freaks de Tod Browning y Una tarde en el circo de los Hermanos Marx.

Pero como los RHCP son favoritos de este blog, se les perdona casi todo. Sobre todo porque son capaces de temazos y vídeos tan buenos como Can’t stop, inspirado en las “esculturas en un minuto” del austríaco Erwin Wurm.

In the 1800s, a German doctor by the name of Franz Joseph Gall came up with Phrenology, the theory that you could determine a person’s character and personality based solely on the shape of their head. The theory became popular across Europe with psychiatrists and neuroscientists, who used Phrenology as a means for justifying racism and misogyny in the “modern era.” Phrenologists believed the mind was an organ with each section performing a specific and localized function, an idea not unlike Aristotle’s. (He tried to pin anger on the liver.) While doctors arguing the meaning behind the bumps and crevices on the head is interesting, all I want to know is what Phrenologists would have thought of the Coneheads…

Here at KASHEESTEES, we’re all about problem solving. For instance, we heard about this thing called clowns. Apparently they’re these human adults who dress up like mirth-filled demons and “play” with kids. A lot of times they’re paid to do this by vengeful parents. I know what you’re thinking, but only SOME of these clowns are heinous criminals intent on molestation. What is the deal with the rest of them? KASHEESTEES got in its traffic copter to find out.

That copter didn’t last very long! That’s the last time we turn over the steering wheel to our roving reporter for Channel K, Conchita Valbuena!

Conchita found several many clowns to ask of her the questions. Here’s one such interview:

Conchita: Sir, is it fair to assume that you are one of America’s Clowns? Or a spokesman thereof?

Bozo: Hoo hoo! I’ll say! Hi kiddies!!!

C: What is your job, would you say, sir, as a clown? What is your purpose in life?

B: Why, hoo hoo hoo, to kill of course! To lure children in with my whimsical attitude and then to cut them into bloody chunks! Hoo hoo hoo!

C: I see. Are there any other activites you clowns are required to do?

B: We’re to help Freddie Krueger if he’s ever in need of us.

(editor’s note: Mr. Krueger was not available for comment, but as a matter of public record, he has not to date used clowns in any of his hilarious escapades. Yet.)

Next on Conchita’s list of interviewees was one Mr. Penny R. Wise, raconteur, actor, and part time clown musician. She caught up with him on the set of his new movie the Bourne Supremacy:

C: Mr.Wise, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule. We talked to a Mr. Zo recently about clowning around, and he mentioned that his chief duty as a clown was to maliciously murder children. Any thoughts on that?

Pennywise: Delighted to speak with you, Conchita. Now, I can’t say as I can speak to Mr. Zo’s job requirements as I’ve never met the bloke. I imagine it’s rather different for him being a human sociopath who just puts on a costume. I’m an all-powerful demon, brought to life to destroy child actors on television. The rules are a bit different for me.

C: And who brought you to life?

P: Mr. Stephen R. W. King, a more powerful demon.

(Ed. note, Mr. King could not be reached for comment, as he would disappear into a puff of smoke whenever approached.)

Next Conchita went in-depth with the Twaddleton brothers, twin brothers who led different lives, one becoming a clown, the other becoming a prisoner in a U.S. penitentiary!

C: Gentlemen.

Eric and Derrick Twaddleton: Ma’am.

C: Which one of you is the evil one and which one is in prison?

E&D: Actually, we’re just one man. We were known as Spanky the Clown with Ringling Bros. until we were arrested for owning mass quantaties of child pornography.

C: Haha, “mass quantaties.” You sound like the Coneheads, did you see that movie?

E&D: No.

C: Chris Farley was in it.

E&D: Didn’t see it.

(Editor’s note: Fuck those guys.)

So, what have we learned? Clowns are impenatrably evil, and also really glad to do an interview with a hot Latino reporter. Thanks for your time, and muchas gracias Conchita!

Eric and Derrick