I have the best support system and group of friends a gal could hope for.  We are known to take life issues in stride and investigate head-on difficulties we encounter.  Lately we have found ourselves snared in the anger trap.  You know what that’s like.  One down soul pulls another soul down to their level, then yet another soul steps in to mediate and it’s anger free for all.

Somehow, in the midst of our personal turmoil we purposefully chose to take a break from sharing our anger or frustration about issues, conversations, meanings, etc. that we encountered, endured, or experienced.  After all, if Love conquers a multitude of sins and we don’t exercise the aspects of Love like kindness, patience, hope and endurance then how will they know us by our love?  Good-bye jealousy.  Farewell self-pity.  Hello truth, hope and endurance.   Consider the following from scripture:

• Love keeps no record of wrongs is not resentful and holds no grudges. Yet grudges divide us giving Satan a foothold upon our lives. (1Cor13).
• Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.  (Eph 4:31-32)

Truly, each of us is sensitive in a special way requiring love and encouragement from others.   This Thanksgiving it is my prayer that we share our thankfulness as vividly as possible this way love and encouragement will flow from God, through us and cause our harden hearts to soften.  Today I choose to soften my heart by expressing my thankfulness vs. harden my heart by personal woundedness, bitterness and frustration.

I’m taking a lesson taught by Peter who- like me, frequently placed is foot in his mouth.  Peter offended everyone including Jesus.  Yet Peter was used by God to spread the gospel.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1Pet 4:8)

That said I’m thinking of a few close and even ex-relationships I must address.  If I have harmed any of you with my tongue, deeds or insensitivity, please know that was never my intention.  I’m certain I was working purely from bad feelings.  Feelings are a poor advisor when searching the right counsel.  It is my intention to love you deliberately rather than hurt you carelessly out of frustration, anger and pain.  During this season of Thanksgiving I choose to share my thankfulness for you.  My list is long, but certainly includes an ex-husband, former employers and even a couple strangers.   I’m sad for any pain I had a hand in.

Today I’m thankful for you.  If you are reading and have experienced my anger or unforgiveness please respond so I may publicly tell you how sorry I am to have hurt you.  Today, I’m thankful for you.

It all seemed so calm and distant in the woods outside the Kibbutz that none of us could have ever imagine what the months coming ahead would have for us.
My routine seemed perfectly normal, I would wake up at 5:50 AM with just enough time to get dressed for my job and most mornings when i stepped out the door, Ahmed who worked as a gardener, was parking his car in front of my house to get on the tractor to the fields. There were times in which I would ride the tractor with him to the community kitchen where I worked, and then at lunch I paid him back with some freshly cooked food or some to go dessert.

Arabs, Israelis, Jews and not Jews got along pretty well in the kibbutz I had never heard of any incident regarding discrimination or bad treatments and even though that the kibbutz was not religious, for the holy month of Ramadan the Arabs working in the kibbutz got some flexibility with their schedules, as well as Friday evenings off.

My daily routine began officially at 6, when i would report to my boss, the head chef, and get a coffee in one of the coffee machines that were located in the dining room. The kitchen fed daily around 1.200 people for lunch and around half that people for dinner, including take outs. That was all kibbutz population, plus hired workers and guests. In the morning my duties included preparing the food for old people and sometimes deliver it as well to the asylum or particular houses, I made half boiled eggs, hardboiled eggs, and oatmeal. Then take a minute or two off with a friend of mine to have a cigarette break, although that I didn’t smoke it was good to take a break so we took off together, sometimes with another coworker too and walk around.

I was always amazed at how integration worked in the kibbutz since Arabs are largely discriminated inside Israel, their towns are for Arabs only and most of them are cut off from official transportation and sometimes government services, such as schools and utilities, had a big budget deficit comparing with other “Jewish” cities. There is another side of the coins as well as there are Arab representatives in the Israeli parliament who are free to raise their voices and present to the people with this kind of concerns and generally the press will publish these kind of stories, at least like that I found out.

Actually I would read all newspapers during breakfast and lunch and whatever daily was left I would go through it after work, when normally I sat down for some Turkish coffee to rest. During the last weeks of June the news started to get heavier and heavier. Gaza’s terrorist, or resistant fighters according your point of view, fired Qassam rockets into civilian areas in Sderot hitting an empty school and it’s courtyard. In reprisal the IDF launched a strike to the same spot from where the home made rockets where fired in the first place, a nice spot near the beach where at the moment a family of 5 brothers and its parents were playing.

Angry for the outcome of this operations the terrorists decide to go for more and launched an attack on a border patrol in the north of Gaza were 5 soldiers where injured, 2 dead and one young soldier named Gilad Shalit was kidnapped. This only worsened things and the killing of soldiers is view as an act of war in Israel. My intuition at the time told me that things were going to get ugly, but i never imagined how much.

As days passed tensions grew higher, Palestinian factions demanded release of all underage and female prisoners held by Israel and the Jewish government issued hard warnings against Lebanon, Syria, Palestinian factions and any other that could possibly harm the young abducted soldiers. Of course conversations never led to anything so Israel decided to launch a big scale operation into Gaza to rescue Corporate Shalit. The operation proved a disaster both for the attackers and for residents in the Gaza strip, first the electric plant was bombed down and all services coming from Israel suspended, then a series or shelling and airstrikes in order to cut transportation (by hitting roads and bridges) and demoralize fighters and finally armed commandos initiated a search in major cities.

As tensions in the south grew stronger for us in the kibbutz life was completely normal, I still had my early ride with Ahmed and in afternoons after my job I could wonder around the kibbutz and enjoy the summer days in the pool, playing soccer or walking in the woods with some of my friends and coworkers. Still the newspapers were full or war notices but in our isolated community we barely realized. Some days we would visit nearby Haifa, of Afula for shopping or just hanging around and life there are well seemed normal by Israeli standards (which means you are still searched in the entrance of public buildings, shopping malls, transportation hubs and so on).

July Arrived with more heat and more aggression, the first days into the operation proved frustrating for the experienced and technologically advanced Israeli army as it was unable to locate his POW in the tiny strip and more and more civilian casualties were reported, International condemnation passed on from the Arab terrorists kidnapping a 20 years old soldier to Israel and the whole IDF for destroying the infrastructure of the Palestinians. In the middle of all this, around July 12 the northern border was shaken by a surprise attack of a long forgotten enemy.

The raid was quick and harmful, Hezbollah operatives crossed into Israeli territory and overpowered a convoy of soldiers returning to their base, killing 5 and taking other 2 prisoners (who later were found to have died in the raid). Rockets had also been fired into the country’s northern communities and all of us in the kibbutz stood in shock, we knew, we could feel it in our guts that this was turning now extremely ugly.

From here on things just escalated, I really cannot recall what happened first or second but it was like a Tom and Jerry cartoon, a childish play of you did this so I do that. After the cross border raid, and before the Israeli and Lebanese governments got together, the IDF and the IAF raided southern Lebanon and parts of its capital, Beirut. Hezbollah decided not to back up and launched an land-based attack with Katiusha rockets into civilian areas in northern Israel.

As the days passed tensions grew stronger in the south and in the north, TV shows reported daily bombing in the very north as well as heavy fighting in the south. Its almost impossible for the Israeli army to get control of the Gaza strip, militants hide not only in civilian areas, but with civilians as well, a tactic inherited also in the north with Hezbollah were Rockets are hidden inside houses, rifles and ammo below the beds, with children, woman and elders in the house. It’s also very hard for the IDF to get cooperation from other factions inside Palestine, as the cooperators are viewed as traitors. And that’s a general feeling among Arabs.

In my frequent talks with Ahmed and Sami about what was going on they told me whether they wanted it or not there were going to be outsiders in Israel always, and disrespected by their fellow brothers living inside the occupied territories. Although they had nothing against Jews, they worked together, were friends together and Sami even got a Israeli girlfriend for a time (now he is married to another Muslim woman) they were Arabs, and they sided with the Arabs. This feeling was perceived in the Kibbutz by the Jewish residents and the tensions started to notice inside as well, I was more than once summoned for being listening to loud Arab music and smoking narguila with this guys.

As the days passed by the news in the newspapers and in the TV were more and more shocking, and at the same time kind of ridiculous. During the first week since the incident in the north Media in Israel were debating about calling it a war or not but at the same time Israel already had blew up Beirut International Airport, launched a naval blockade on all of Lebanon coast and Hezbollah on the other side started shooting an average of 90 to 100 rockets a day mostly landing in civilian areas indiscriminately, not really considering if the cities they aimed were Israeli or Arab.

The kibbutz life started to change abruptly, we were near to a military base from the IAF so in daily basis we could hear the F16 fighter jets departing north, mostly in the night, Choppers full of soldiers would also pass above our kibbutz and people would wave at them and shout encouraging phrases. my first thought was that actually the heavy sound of sound barrier braking jets was for us relieving but on the other side of the border they brought pain and terror as well.

One day in the early night war started approaching my world, I received a phone call from a friend living in the Kibbutz, he was Israeli and was hired by the kibbutz to keep the pool, It was a strange thing for him to call, and more to invite me over his place. I arrived 15 minutes after his call and he was packing a bag, getting ready to leave. I though actually he was fired for some reason but I came into a shock when he gifted me a T-shirt that I wanted from him and told me he was called to fight, and he was leaving tomorrow morning to the north. That day when I came back to my house I could already feel the losses of war, but there was more to come.

The war in the southern strip was completely forgotten and the mainstream media and all world attention focused on the north, now over a week into the conflict there was no doubt Israel was at war but she didn’t knew actually with whom, since Hezbollah is not part of the regular Lebanese army. As Israeli troops advanced in south Lebanon the air force inflicted heavy damage to all roads connecting to Syria and heavily bombed Hezbollah’s strongholds in Beirut. Now in the roads leading to the kibbutz we could see trucks carrying troops, tanks, and arms. Also the intensity of the F16 flight grew and during the night is was almost impossible to sleep.

During the day some activities became dangerous, Haifa was off limits to the people in the kibbutz and on clear days Me and a friend would hike in the nearby woods. On occasions we climbed a mountain and we could see the columns of smoke coming from the burning forests around Haifa. Sometimes we could also feel the bombs landing in the north. Slowly, as the rockets attacks passed Haifa, we could feel the war coming into us.

Still our community was considered a safe place, and we received a group of 300 refugees from a colony near the Lebanon border, most of them native Israelis that lived in the area for over 40 years. They told us that life there was already unbearable and more that 40 rockets a day were hitting the town, the basically lived inside the shelters. But that feeling of being to far away quickly changed.

It was around 3 PM and after finishing my job and showered i got in my bed to read a book and listen to some music, it had been a hard day’s work since now we had more mouths to feed. I felt asleep when desperate knocks on my door got me up, angry and half naked I instantly understand what was going on. A sound that terrified me, and although I had never heard it before I knew what it was: The Alarms. They were telling us that in less than 20 second incoming missiles from the north were going to land near us. I quickly got a pant and a shirt and went to know into another friends house. Together we went to the Bomb shelter, but on the way we could feel that there was no need: the missiles had already exploded. It was really nearby, only 5 KM from the Kibbutz door.

From there on, Alarms and rockets became part of daily living, we had a talk for all newcomers about living in Israel and the consequences of war, what to do in case on rocket attack and guidelines for an eventual all on, full power War. We were told that none of us could carry weapons and that we should hide in the shelters. Some people at this point left the kibbutz and many returned to their home countries.

My daily routine became affected in many ways. I had to memorize and locate all shelters along the way, from my house to my job, from the house to the school, to the pool, soccer field and so on, we received guidelines on what to do if caught in open air during a strike, but mainly just pray that the rocket wont fall on your head… I phoned my family twice to let them know we were OK and never mentioned that we were actually under attack, and several times during our walk in the fields or the wood we were caught by the missiles. Scary moments in which the alarms are set on, and you know you have literally no place to hide. we would just continue our way until the force of the nearby blasts would make us stand still, mostly out of fear although we were not really afraid (otherwise we would have stayed in our houses or near the shelter)

Israelis seemed to have a similar stand. Several times that we were near the shelters we could see people calmly walking in the streets and doing a normal life, according to their point of view they could be killed at any time, in any place. We took a similar stand and tried to have normal lives after all. It was still hard, my Arabs friends were looked with distrust as well as most Arabs living in Israel, although their town were struck by Katiusha rockets as well. The war itself was not leading anywhere at all, Israel seemed to have forgotten of the kidnapped soldier and into retaliating to Lebanese civilians for letting Hezbollah into their society and as usual the Shiite militia seemed to have no objectives at all but to cause fear.

The war was though on civilian casualties because of the strategy used by the Arabs in which whole civilian areas became deposits for rockets and bombs as well as launching sites and battle fields, on the same side of the coin the rocket attacks were never intended to hit any military target and they focused on the heavy populated Haifa port and northern communities, with complete disregard of life. Schools, transportation and houses were the main victims of the Lebanese based rockets, and civilians injured were Catholic, Muslim and Jewish as well. The only military looses on the Israeli side were in the battlefield.

On the other side Lebanon and its people suffered the most. The planes that I would hear in the night would drop bombs in Southern Lebanon towns and major cities as Beirut and Tyre. Targets included bridges, military facilities, airports, roads, National building and building suspected to be part on Hezbollah infrastructure were destroyed and as many as a thousand innocent people died, a waste of human life that could have been avoided . Ancient monuments were destroyed and almost after 3 weeks of fighting it was evident that hate was the only factor in game, and no one wanted to back up first.

A cease fire was proposed and the parts started negotiating a deal while still fighting each other. Only in the Area around our kibbutz and neighboring cities as Afula and Yokene’am an average of 20 rockets felt every day, and they had a timing as well. It seemed that the Hezbollah risked to be discovered if they fire their rockets at night, so only during the day we receive bombings. Normally between 2:30 and 6 PM severally times the alarms would sound, and depend our position we run to get shelter, or not. Sometimes into a proper bomb shelter, others in the toilets that were located below the pool, others into a basement and others, we just didn’t care anymore, as we were far away from any shelter.

I developed a new look for life, in which you really had to trust that you were going to be OK, sometimes I feel we were reckless but on the other hand, we believed and we resulted OK. I understood the Israeli stand for life and the pledge of Arab Israeli citizens not belonging to any part, and being on their own.

By the third week of the war we were already beaten up badly, 30% of the kibbutz population had gone, either escaped to their home countries, fled to get shelter in the southern areas or as well, fighting. Two other acquaintances were called to fight and we could see how war and mind control was gaining in some of our fellow coworkers or classmates as they offered to go fight without any experience or knowing the hard true about war. The refugees that stayed with us also left, mostly to other locations as these one was getting rough as well. Now an average of 5 times a day we were hiding on the shelters.

On the 30th day I left also to the outskirts of Tel Aviv to a friends house in Ranaana. There to my surprise life was easy and relaxing as it had been for us in the kibbutz a month ago when the conflict started. The streets were busy with people shopping and my friend had work everyday… it seemed another country. I realized I haven’t had  a decent sleep in the last 2 weeks, in the day because of the alarms and in the nights because of the noise of the nearby F16 airbase.
Finally a ceasefire was agreed for the 34th day. The day before the ceasefire started I returned to the kibbutz and the way there became chaotic as well, I returned to war zone.

When I boarded the bus to the north I was the only civilian, all passengers were young Israeli soldiers. Around 20 minutes before arriving to the crossroads that I needed to get down the bus to hitchhike to the kibbutz, the bus made a sudden stop and we all took refugee under a siege canal and a bridge. After feeling the bombs landing really near we continue our trip. I realized we were on an Arab town called Um al Fahm located just on the green line dividing Israel and Palestine. I got down the bus near the location were the rocket had landed and saw smoke and fire.

I hitchhiked and people from the kibbutz that recognized me picked me up, they told me they had saw the rocket fall. As soon as we entered the kibbutz and I went home the familiar sound of the alarm redirected my way from the house to the shelter. 10 minutes after that we emerged and I went right away to the dining room to meet a friend for dinner, and as I entered I could realize all people leaving their trays and food and heading underground, another attack was on the way. Also felt very very near and we could see some smoke.

The evening came and it was time now for the Fighter jets to make their show, we counted around 50 or 60 of them passing above our heads and we could see the fire tail coming out of the engines. the cease fire officially started at 12.00 but the planes stopped around 3 or 4 AM, after that the next morning everything was quiet again, and there I was taking a ride with Ahmed to my job.

Once we have encountered someone they are permanently recorded in our memory and not forgotten unless we suffer some sort of catastrophic, irreversible memory loss. The factual details are recorded in our Parent and our emotional responses concerning the person are recorded in our Child – see my previous article on Perspective for a description of the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model developed by Thomas A Harris.

Consequently under normal circumstances once we get to ‘know’ someone it is not possible to get to ‘not know’ them or, to use a more common term, ‘forget them’. I think that whenever we encounter someone, however briefly, we establish a relationship that we never really ‘lose’. My view is that it continues to exist in one of the four states depicted below – Harmony, Triggers, Conflict or Resolution.

Even if we never see a person again after a brief encounter, e.g. check-in staff at the airport, one night stand etc, if our parting was on good terms the relationship remains forever in Harmony with no chance of ever entering Conflict because we will never see that person again and we will have warm, pleasant memories of the encounter. If, however, triggers occurred, e.g. the service, sex etc was terrible, this may have led to conflict and the relationship then remains forever in Conflict with no chance of resolution as we never get to see that person again in order to attempt to reach Resolution and restore Harmony.

As the diagram shows I believe that the route to conflict is via triggers. These are pre-existing psychological states many of which have not yet been resolved. For example some peoples’ rage is triggered when they are pointed at moving them to the Conflict state while others just shrug and think “hmmm… pointing isn’t polite” and their rage is not triggered hence they remain in the Harmony state avoiding getting anywhere near the Conflict state.

A relationship that has become stuck in the Conflict state is sometimes described as lost. However I believe that there is no situation that cannot be resolved. Whether or not it does get resolved depends on the desire of all parties concerned to reach resolution and return to a state of Harmony. Communication and negotiation play a very important part in resolving conflict – see my previous articles on Communication and Negotiation.

Here are some of the things that I think are common causes of conflict:

Lack of expectation management – This is one of the major causes of the build up of anger leading to resentment and rage. This, in turn, results in very serious conflict – see my previous article on Expectations

Mismatching – Mismatching is also a significant cause of conflict. One of our major issues is hoping to match ourselves with others before we get to know ourselves. How can we hope to enter in to an effective match with someone else when we barely know who we are ourselves? This is why I think that introspection is so important – see my previous article on Introspection.

Attachment to Things and Acts – For a variety of reasons we find ourselves drawn to material things and acts of others toward us. Here are a couple of questions we should be asking ourselves:

• Are we falling in love/in love with ‘Our’ things (Our Tune, Our Joke, Our Place, Our Gifts etc) or with the person?
• Are we falling in love/in love with the person or the way we’re being treated?

Where we are in love with things or acts, once others are unable to give these to us anymore a major conflict occurs. The reason being that we no longer have any reason to stay with the person(s) who is (are) no longer a source of the things or acts that we have fallen in love with. So we move on to others who can restore to us what our former partner/friends etc are no longer able to give and leave them devastated. If we are in love with the person(s) and/or simply appreciate them for who they are we stick with them.

Possession or Person – The treatment of a person as a possession always leads to conflict. Whether slavery (actual or metaphoric), excessive jealousy or perceived ownership, the person(s) who is (are) the focus of the possessiveness will eventually rebel either quietly or very loudly.

Contact – Some of us are contact junkies; others of us are quite happy to wait, sometimes extended periods of time, between contacts. This can be a very significant source of conflict. Contact junkies will terminate relationships (or, more accurately in my view, put them in an indefinite state of Conflict) because they are aggrieved that they are not being contacted often enough.

Dominant Parent and/or Child – Where one, both or all parties in a relationship have a dominant Parent and/or Child conflict is inevitable. This is because the weakened or absent Adult is unable to assert the necessary rationality that fosters effective communication and negotiation. If the Adult is dominant and strong in at least one party the conflict can be resolved quickly.

Mental Illness – This in my view is the most disappointing cause of conflict. In my experience most people have taken the view that they did not get involved in a relationship to deal with someone’s psycho behaviour. It is disappointing because all it requires on the part of the person(s) who are mentally healthy is a resolve to assist the mentally ill person recover be it depression, neurosis or whatever.

Negativity – Excessive jealousy, extreme anger (rage), resentment, blaming and fault finding are just a few of the excellent ways to move very quickly to a state of Conflict. My advice is to avoid expressing negativity inappropriately at all costs.

In summary I think that the trick is to stay in the Harmony state. Where this is not possible then the triggers should be removed and/or the conflict resolved as quickly as is practicable.

Stay strong and serene.

Minarets (Turkish: minare,^[1] from Arabic manāra (lighthouse) منارة, usually مئذنة) are distinctive architectural features of Islamic mosques. Minarets are generally tall spires with onion-shaped or conical crowns, usually either free-standing or taller than any associated support structure, states a source from Wikipedia …http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minaret

The main function of the minaret is to provide a vantage point from which the call to prayer (adhan) is made. Call to prayer in Islam happens five times each day, and is a very important ritual required of all who practice Islam.

Voters in Switzerland chose to take a step in the direction of Nazi Germany, and collectively decided to restrict and to persecute Islam and the religious practices required by those who are Islamic.

The BBC is reporting from Geneva,Switzerland that in a vote that displayed a widespread anxiety about Islam and undermined the country’s reputation for religious tolerance, the Swiss on Sunday overwhelmingly imposed a national ban on the construction of minarets, the prayer towers of mosques, in a referendum drawn up by the far right and opposed by the government.

Swiss voters’ clear decision on Sunday to ban the construction of minarets has generated a wide range of emotions,supporters of the initiative said the Swiss electorate wanted to put a brake on the Islamization of their country, whereas opponents were concerned about the violation of rights, not to mention an international backlash and possible boycott of Swiss products.

Amnesty International has expressed deep regret over the Swiss voters’ approval of a ban on minarets, calling it a violation of religious freedom for Muslims.

“The ‘yes’ vote comes as a surprise and a great disappointment,” David Diaz-Jogeix, Amnesty International’s deputy program director for Europe and Central Asia, said on Monday.

The Swiss Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, but the rightist Swiss People’s Party, or S.V.P., and a small religious party had proposed inserting a single sentence banning the construction of minarets, leading to the referendum.

The Swiss government said it would respect the vote and sought to reassure the Muslim population — mostly immigrants from other parts of Europe, like Kosovo and Turkey — that the minaret ban was “not a rejection of the Muslim community, religion or culture.”

The president of the People’s Party, Toni Brunner, said voters had clearly rejected the idea of parallel societies and the further expansion of Islam – including radical, political Islam – in Switzerland.

Saida Keller-Messahli, president of the Forum for an Advanced Islam, said the public’s fears had been too great and “hatred had won over reason”.

She said there would now be legal consequences, since the ban violated the freedom of religion.

The Federation of Islamic Organisations in Switzerland also regretted the result, saying the propaganda of the campaign supporters had succeeded in frightening the majority of voters.

The federation said it was too soon to judge the negative social and legal consequences – what was important now was to strengthen their public relations and clear up any misunderstandings or prejudices concerning Islam.

“Switzerland is heading straight for a battle with Islam,” he said, adding that he feared a boycott of Swiss products.

The ban on minarets’ violates the right of Muslims to manifest their religion in Switzerland, and is incompatible with the international conventions signed by the European country.

It is to note that this is similar to the way that Nazi Germany, under the rule of Hitler, was able to gradually assert their main agenda, which was to exterminate the Jewish religion and all those who practice it.

It appears as though the Islamic citizens of Switzerland need to prepare for similar treatment, and mounting restrictions on the practice of their religion.

Swiss Ban Minarets,and restrict the practice of Islam

 Let’s never have this disgrace ever happen in the United States of America….Shame on Switzerland.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/30/world/europe/30swiss.html

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=112489&sectionid=351020606

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/29/swiss-ban-minarets-in-sur_n_373172.html

Thanks. I have it. I know it. I saw it show up in my stats last week. And yes, he/she/it/they seem to know what he/she/it/they is/are talking about regarding Afghanistan and Central Asia. And they are really, really cranky.

So go read it now.

Note that I don’t officially endorse crankiness, but I do acknowledge its justified use for the above subject matter.

In 2008 Nepa Laya and Kunda Dixit (of Himal Media) published a photo book, ‘A People War‘, on the internal conflict in Nepal (1996-2006). The book took a people centric focus, rather than a military one, looking at how they were impacted by the ten year Maoist led ‘Peoples War’. I interviewed Kunda Dixit on the project earlier this year to learn how the project had come about.

The photos were taken on a successful national exhibition tour resulting in a second book, ‘Never Again‘, consisting of just some of the hundreds of messages left in the exhibiti0n visitor books. At the same time a documentary film was released called ‘Frames of War‘ by Prem BK and Kesand Tseten based on the ‘A People War’ book.

This week sees the publication of the third and final book in the series, ‘People After War‘. Through painstaking research and help from journalists and the public the publishers tracked down 50 of the individuals who featured in the original book to find out what had happened to them in the intervening years.

I managed to get hold of a copy of the book yesterday and can highly recommended it. The original photos are placed with new photos of the people they managed to find and are accompanied by an update on their lives. There are some fascinating stories, both inspiring and tragic.

The books and touring exhibitions have had a powerful resonance with those who have seen them. The projects evolving aim is one of promoting non-violence and historical documentation, and appears to have worked very well on the level of awareness raising and sharing of common experience. What the project could or should achieve beyond this poses an interesting question. The photos raise questions, emotions and awareness – there is cause for reflection on what happened on a national, local and individual level. But how this inputs into the current political impasse and continuing violence in the country is difficult to assess. ‘Never Again’ may be a cry reflected across communities nation wide but the political reality cannot be ignored – peace remains fragile, justice distant, and reconciliation difficult without both of these. Despite the mass public support for peace in 2006 the movement has failed to sustain itself as a unified presence, dividing along political lines. This comes as no surprise, after all when there is a common enemy we can easily forget our differences. But as King Gyanendra reliquished power those who found it convinient to join forces divided back into their various factions. So, there may be a common call for ‘Never Again’ but there is little unity on how to resolve why it happened in the first place.

We should not expect too much of photographs, though we often do. It would be nice to think that this project could do more to sustain peace if integrated into a national campaign to put pressure on politicians. But without such a campaign this remains a project appreciated by the people but ignored by those who can ensure a peaceful future for those in Nepal. If there is a criticism of the book it is not on the photographic level, but in regards to how it fails to address the difficult question about the legimate use of violence against the state, and that ‘getting on with development’ ignores the fundamental imbalance of power relations within the country.

The photos are currently on tour in Nepal and will be on permenant exhibition at Madan Puraskar’s library at Patan Dhoka, Kathmandu.

On December 27, 2008, the Israel Defense Forces began their assault on the Gaza Strip in what they called Operation Cast Lead. 13 Israelis and as many as 1400 Palestinians were killed in the three weeks of fighting. The war enjoyed wide support among Israelis: according to the Tami Steinmetz Center for Peace Research, 94% of Jewish Israelis (76% of Israel’s population) supported the attack. Operation Cast Lead caused enormous suffering in Gaza and has been a thorn in the side of Israelis since its commencement. Numerous human rights organisations have issued reports on the conflict accusing both sides of war crimes, and the Israeli government has denied any but the noblest intentions. How did we get here?

This essay uses national role conception theory to explain how Israel’s political culture approved of Operation Cast Lead and permitted the latest brutal attack on the Palestinians. You can find it at the following link.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/23348184/Paving-the-Road-to-Gaza-Israel-s-National-Role-Conception-and-Operation-Cast-Lead

The next book in Lara Adrian’s Midnight Breed series is coming soon! Click here to see/get a countdown ticker at her site. I found Lara Adrian through a free read, and fell in love! This is the only vampire series I have been able to get into, so far. I have read the first two books and eagerly look forward to reading the rest! If  you want a chance to win ALL of her series check out Tigris Eden’s blog!

A meeting of civil society organisations, lawyers, media, academics in Port Harcourt to discuss the future of oil in the Niger Delta and it’s impact on climate change and sustainability have issued a strong militant statement to the Federal Government.  The meeting was chaired by Nnimmo Bassey, the Director of Environmental Rights Action who described the comminuqe as

117 organisations signing on to the most militant statement of its sort
I’ve yet seen – formidable!

The Comminuque is published below.
Global warming and other grave environmental hazards are primarily a
result of extractive activities, particularly oil extraction.

Over five decades of oil extraction in Nigeria have not impacted
positively on the citizenry and particularly the people of the Niger
Delta, whose livelihoods have been eroded because of regular pollution
of farmlands and rivers.

Women, children and other vulnerable persons in the Niger Delta and
other resource-bearing communities across the country have been made
vulnerable due to resource conflicts and are exposed to severe human
rights abuse.

By failing to halt gas flaring in the Niger Delta, the Nigerian
government has demonstrated a lack of preparedness to committing to
reduce the effects of climate change even as it joins climate talks in
Copenhagen

Violent conflicts and criminality in the Niger Delta region and
particularly in oil-bearing communities are direct results of corruption
rooted in the operations of oil industry.

Life expectancy in the Niger Delta has continued to decline yearly as a
result of environmental pollution in the region and today stands at an
appalling 41 years.

There is flagrant disregard for international standards in the oil
industry particularly the non-observance of Environmental Impact
Assessment (EIA) on projects with far-reaching impacts on local communities.

The Federal Government’s planned deregulation of the downstream oil
sector will only benefit a profiteering cabal in the country and not the
vast majority of the population.

The Petroleum Industry Bill (PIB) as currently prepared by the Federal
Government is fundamentally flawed and is anti-people as it neither
allows for communities to be notified of risks nor seeks their
endorsement for environmental management plans. In addition to numerous
gaps, the PIB does not offer sufficient penalties to deter infringement
of its provisions.

Nigeria’s oil industry is still rife with oil theft and inaccuracy in
volumes of oil extracted and what is actually made public, and makes a
nonsense of governments touted policy on transparency and accountability

The amnesty programme of the Federal Government is yet to address key
human rights and developmental challenges in the Niger Delta and may
fail with unimaginable consequences.

Ecological funds meant for remediation have been regularly diverted to
other uses that do not have a bearing on impacted environments.

Massive land grabs promoted by agribusinesses and oil corporations erode
traditional farming practices on the African continent.

The Nigerian government is yet to demonstrate sufficient commitment to
growing the national economy by failure to fund research and qualitative
education in addition to poorly thought-out policies that promote
disruption in the educational sector.

There is low awareness on environmental issues in the country.

Participants therefore strongly recommend that:

All new oil finds must be left in the ground. The planned exploitation
of bitumen should be halted as the extraction will inflict unmitigated
disaster on communities and raise new levels of conflicts.

The Leave Oil in the Ground message should be popularized.

Gas flaring is a violation of the rights of Nigerians to life as is
enshrined in the constitution and must end today

The Federal Government must take steps to ascertain and publish the
volumes of oil extracted daily in the nation. As a follow up to this, it
must take immediate steps to stop all forms of oil theft.

A need exists for mass awareness and mobilization of local communities
to resist gas flaring and other unfriendly environmental practices in
the Niger Delta and other parts of Nigeria where resource conflicts are
a growing reality.

The authentic Petroleum Industry Bill must address genuine concerns of
the oil-bearing communities by seeking their endorsement on
environmental management plans. It must also proffer sufficient
penalties for infringement of the provisions.

Any provision in the Petroleum Industry Bill that is aimed at
expropriating land and resources from the people must be abrogated.

Political leadership of the Niger Delta must judiciously use the
resources of the region for development.

The amnesty programme of the Federal Government should address the real
issues of underdevelopment in the Niger Delta and open channels for
genuine reconciliation of all aggrieved people of the region.

The Nigerian state must fund qualitative education and indigenous
research to address challenges of development.

Women and the vulnerable in the society must be protected from the
fallouts of resource conflicts while identified cases of violation of
their rights must be adequately redressed.

All stakeholders-communities, civil society groups, government agencies,
the media, among others, must work collaboratively to expose unsound
environmental practices and mobilize for laws that will reverse the trend.

In conclusion, we are united in our opposition to new oil blocs and call
on all progressive-minded peoples and organizations to support our call
that new oil finds be left in the ground and bitumen left in the soil.

Signed:
Environmental Rights Action/Friends of the Earth Nigeria
Host Communities Network (HoCoN)
Nigerian Environmental Study/Action Team (NEST), Ibadan
Social Action, Port Harcourt
Nigeria Cassava Growers Association
African Centre for Leadership Strategy and Development, Abuja
Environment, Health and Communication Initiative
Persons with Disabilities Action Network (PEDANET)
United Action for Democracy (UAD)
Conflict Resolution Trainers Network (CROTIN)
Grace Fellowship Africa
Students Environmental Assembly
Campaigners for Justice, Equity and Fairness (CJEF), Benin City
Society for the Rights of the Girl Child
Women Environmental Programme
Journalists for Democratic Rights (JODER)
Council for Leadership and Development (CLD)
Society for Empowerment and Self-Reliance (SESER)
Youth Empowerment and Child Labor Elimination Project (YCEP)
Foundation for Conservation of the Earth (FOCONE)
Green Concern for Development (Green Code), formerly ABGREMO, Calabar
Centre for Rural Integration and Development
UGREEN Foundation
Development Information Network (DEVNET)
Child Health Organisation
Concern for Habitat Development
LEAP Foundation
Nigeria Tobacco Control Alliance (NTCA)
Niger Delta Budget Monitoring Group
Children Initiative
Centre for Development Communications (CENDEC)
National Point Newspapers
Foundation Against Social Trauma and Environmental Ravage (FASTER)
Wildlife Preservation Trust
Trade Network Initiative (TNI)
Centre for Socio-Economic Development
HRJPF
Movement for Survival of Ogoni People (MOSOP)
CEHRD
Oruma Community
Ogoni Solidarity Forum
Institute of Human Rights and Humanitarian Law
HEDA, Lagos
People Against Drug Dependence and Ignorance (PADDI)
Gender Awareness and Development Associates (GADA)
Centre for Development Support Initiatives
CUAED
Nurses Across Borders
Institute for Dispute Resolution
Kebet Kache Women Development and Resource Centre
Environ-Green Integrated Initiative
Alfred Ozo Foundation
Social Development Integrated Centre (SDIC)
Centre for Human Empowerment, Advancement and Development
Association for Promotion of Human Development, Gombe State
Bamidele Aturu & Co
Women and Children Life Advancement Initiative, Katsina State
Foundation for Sustainable Development
Care for Youth Initiative
Future of Our Environment
CIC Benin
Centre for Development Support Initiatives (CEDSI-Nigeria)
OGDEMOVE
Centre for Social and Corporate Responsibility (CSCR) Port Harcourt
Hand of Hope Foundation
Friends of the Needy and Oppressed Foundation (FONAO) Foundation
Centre for the Advancement of Children and Women Rights
Centre for Creative Arts Education, Port Harcourt
Goodwill Homage Foundation
Green Earth Links
The Olive -Child Foundation
Mag Foundation for Women
Freshfields Solicitors, Port Harcourt
Our Niger Delta
River Ethiope Trust Foundation
Gender and Development Action
Civil Liberties Organisation (CLO)
Peculiar People Foundation
Impact and Systems International, Abuja
Justice Development and Peace Commission (JDPC), Ijebu-Ode
Centre for Constitutionalism and Demilitarisation (CENCOD), Lagos
Imo Mass Movement
Women in Technology Education and Employment
Civil Society Legislative Advocacy Centre (CISLAC), Abuja
Basic Rights Action
Legal Hands, Benin City
Rural Women and Youth Development Initiative, Ikom, Cross Rivers State
Koyenum Immalah Foundation (Publish What you Pay)
Save Earth Nigeria
Peace and Development Projects
Neighborhood Environmentwatch Foundation
Organisation for Sustenance of the Nigerian Environment
Ijaw Council for Human Rights
Association for Responsible Citizenship (ARC) Gombe
Women Centre for Quality Living and Practice, Benin City
Campaign for Democracy
Gender Environmental and Sustenable Development Initiative (GENSDI)
ANPEZ Centre for Environment and Development
Peace and Development Projects (PEDEP)
100. African Network for Environment and Economic Justice (ANEEJ)
101. D.U Akamakusi & Associates
102. Global Youth Coalition on HIV/AIDS (GYCA)
103.Niger Delta Coastal Communities Development Association
ND-COCODA
104. Christars Global Development Foundation, Port Harcourt
105. African Center for Sustainable Livelihoods (AFRICSUL)
106. Iwherekan Community, Delta State
107. Africa Centre for Corporate Responsibility (ACCR)
108. Community Forest Watch (CFW), Iguobazuwa, Edo State
109. Singles & Success Organisation
110. Academic Foundation Network, Ete Community
111. Gender Action Group
112. Climate Change Network Nigeria (CCN)
113. Niger Delta Development Initiative (NDDI)
114. Environmental Outreach Magazine, Yenagoa
115. FISHCAREPLUS
116. Oilwatch Africa
117. Publish What You Pay

Conflict: Rishi S

by Anagarika Eddie Rock

One of the most difficult areas to get past in human relations is the idea that “my” religion or ideal is Truth and yours isn’t. When someone says to you that your beliefs are all wet compared to his or hers, how does that make you feel? Historically, it has made people feel so bad that they have killed each other. This is not good.

If only there was a way where we could sincerely say to those who are not of our faith, “You’re okay, even if you do not believe our way.” Unless we find a way to honestly and openly do that, unless we as a nation find a way to say to other countries that they are okay just as they are developing, (as if we didn’t have our problems as a young nation), then we will be in constant conflict.

If, for a moment, we can leave aside threatening and incendiary remarks, such as, “If you don’t become enlightened, you will be reborn into suffering forever,” “Unless you accept Jesus as your savior, you will go to hell,” and “Allah is the only God, accept him or else,” along with all the other claims of various religions (and the numerous branches of the various religions that separate us further, i.e., Catholic and Baptist in the Christian faith), what is there left to talk about?

If we have nothing left to talk about, then of course religion can justifiably be termed a vehicle of separation; something that has caused violence in the past and continues to be a destructive force in the present.

Some might say that their beliefs and principles are more important than any conflict, and that they are ready and willing to die for them. Okay, passion is an important factor, and if their religion or ideal sanctifies conversion by force, then one would be justified in their mind. I posit, however, that in the deep tentacles of all religions lies a universal love for all mankind, regardless of beliefs, and that conversion by force comes from man‘s ego.

In reality, we usually tolerate beliefs other than our own and generally smile and make nice to people of other faiths. But down deep, if we think that they are misguided and that we should save them, or resent the fact that they can’t see the light and consider them inferior to ourselves, then we are two-faced.

Perhaps better than becoming two-faced is having it out with them; arguing about our religions until we are blue in the face, totally exhausted, and ready to strangle each other. At least we would be honest.

In my articles, I try to promote principles that apply to all religions regardless of beliefs. I do this in order to advance past narrow opinions and toward more universal love and respect for each other. I’m not always successful.

I try to see the end product of what a particular religion produces regarding the type of people that result. Are they only nice in a playacting way, closet bigots, or are they genuinely interested in others well being, regardless of the others beliefs?

I can’t say that one way or the other is right or Truth, but I can say, as I look back at history, that one way promotes peace and the other conflict. Again, if conflict is your cup of tea, then I can’t say that you are wrong, but I can say that conflict will create suffering for yourself and others. Also, I can safely, I believe, say that peace promotes ease and joy for yourself and others. Just look at a family in conflict compared to a family in peace. To playact peace is to pretend to be peaceful around your peers but scream at your kids or husband in Wal-Mart! This is also being two-faced.

What it all boils down to is whether or not strong beliefs are worth conflict. If you say yes, then your life will be in conflict. You can’t have conflict with those outside of your immediate group without eventually having conflict within your group. It’s never an outside influence that brings up conflict, conflict is already planted in your mind just looking for a target, and when the outside targets aren’t there, the sharks eat themselves.

The question is; do you want to change your mind from one of conflict to one of peace? Don’t answer too quickly; many people prefer conflict. Conflict, win or lose, boosts the ego and makes one feel that they are alive. Peace, on the other hand does not increase ego or support the notion of a person separate from everyone else.

In my articles, I mention ego or self all the time, because ego, not religion or ideals per se, is the central reason for our internal and external conflicts. The idea of “me.”

So how can you change your state of mind of conflict? Can you keep your strong beliefs and resolve the conflict in yourself? That would be the best of both worlds.

I believe that we can do that, it‘s just a matter of calming down an ego that we have created and now must constantly shore up. This creates the fundamental conflict within ourselves, and has nothing to do with religion or religious beliefs, but everything to do with how we get along with ourselves, our group, and fellow human beings.

If ever there would be a universal religion, it would work toward resolving this problem of conflict within ourselves. Regardless of what we believe or what books we follow, until we understand ourselves and how we interact with that little person inside our heads, all of our actions and ideas will be skewed.

But once we know ourselves and how we operate, we can then believe as we choose, while at the same time understanding and accepting the rest of humanity regardless of their beliefs, because we will know that we are all fundamentally the same.

Anagarika eddie is a meditation teacher at the Dhammabucha Rocksprings Meditation Retreat Sanctuary www.dhammarocksprings.org and author of A Year to Enlightenment. His 30 years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Thervada Buddhist monk.

He lived at Wat Pah Nanachat under Ajahn Chah, at Wat Pah Baan Taad under Ajahn Maha Boowa, and at Wat Pah Daan Wi Weg under Ajahn Tui. He had been a postulant at Shasta Abbey, a Zen Buddhist monastery in northern California under Roshi Kennett; and a Theravada Buddhist anagarika at both Amaravati Monastery in the UK and Bodhinyanarama Monastery in New Zealand, both under Ajahn Sumedho. The author has meditated with the Korean Master Sueng Sahn Sunim; with Bhante Gunaratana at the Bhavana Society in West Virginia; and with the Tibetan Master Trungpa Rinpoche in Boulder, Colorado. He has also practiced at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, and the Zen Center in San Francisco. 

Article Source: Amazines.com

Retell: This is the biography of Cesar Chavez, the leader of the National Farm Workers Association who worked to organize farm workers to rally together and fight for better pay and working conditions.

Topics: family, Cesar Chavez, conflict, drought, California, farming, Spanish, migrant workers, unions, La Causa, strikes, protests, boycotts, farm workers

Units of Study: Nonfiction, Social Issues

Tribes: personal best, mutual respect, appreciations/no put-downs

Habits of Mind: persisting

Reading Skills: inference, interpretation, determining importance, synthesis, empathy

My Thoughts: Back when I taught in California this was required reading–in the Bay Area Cesar Chavez’s birthday is a school holiday.  This book could fit into different types of text sets.  For example, you could include this book when teaching a unit on the labor unit.  You could also choose to read this book as a companion text to Esperanza Rising.

We’re sneaking up on the six-month mark since things went so horribly bad at Willem’s grandfather’s memorial, with his mother and aunt on one side and Willem and myself – and, apparently, our children – on the other. Since we left, the kids and I without being able to say good-bye because the venom and rudeness were just overwhelming, and Willem with an abrupt, “Bye, then,” from his mother, because the conversation wasn’t going her way, we haven’t heard a word. There was the anonymous goofiness on the blog, followed by the rejected-birthday-present go-’round, which may have prompted the single non-anonymous email exchange between Willem and his mother, and then… nothing.

It’s on my mind today because we just coasted through an easy, conflict-free Thanksgiving. No tense phone calls, no guilt trips, just a traditional meal shared between two families that are not yet blended (my father has been with his partner for three years, give or take, and they have recently obtained a marriage license, so it should become official within the next 90 days). I probably should have called my mother sometime that day, but after the intense togetherness of our trip to Paris I thought she would probably forgive my lapse.

Thanksgivings of the past have not always been, howdoyousay, scar-free. Hurt feelings, unspoken angst, unsubtle judgment of our parenting decisions, constant low-grade tension… those were just as ubiquitous as the turkey and stuffing. there were good parts, too, laughter and stories and catching-up, but it was not served equally. Even the post-meal phone calls, made if we had the audacity to be spending a holiday with my family instead of Willem’s, was fraught with peril, because if we called too early, we were interrupting, and if we called too late, “Oh, I thought you had just forgotten us.” It was just nice, this year, not to walk a tightrope.

I don’t know how Christmas will turn out. I know where we’ll be, and I know that there is the potential for enormous, huge, painful drama before year-end. I’m talking the kind of drama that could realistically involve public servants and write-ups in the Police Blotter of the local paper. It could also fade away into absolutely nothing, and boy am I rooting for Choice B – less exciting for the audience, true, but lots easier on my blood pressure.

I just have no sense, at this point, how long the silent treatment will continue. I recognize that we are being punished, not just for our behavior this summer but for being who we are. I know that it is a complete coincidence that the past six months have been among the best months of my life; that the move and the pregnancy would have happened regardless of my in-laws’ involvement… but it’s hard, sometimes, not to really appreciate the timing of said punishment. We have moved and changed phone numbers, it’s true, but we’re not in hiding; the blog is still present, and our email addresses are unchanged. Since the last round of communication was via email, we know that’s a legitimate means of contact, and since the last volley of words went from Willem to his mother, we consider the ball to be firmly in her court. She’ll contact us when she wants to, and until then we’re operating under the assumption that she needs time and space.

So things could all change again tomorrow, or stretch out past the horizon. We don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it lately, because we have plenty of positive things to focus on.

And my primary souvenir from this whole adventure is bafflement. I can understand anger, even years and years of it festering under the surface and finally exploding. I can understand resentment, and blame, and self-righteous indignation. Maybe it’s true; maybe I am just as horrid and unpleasant as my mother-in-law has always suggested. Maybe I have somehow managed to create interesting, healthy, compelling children whilst existing in my own world as a thoughtless, selfish tyrant. Maybe Willem has been drawn in to my twisted way of doing things, and has become tainted by association.

Maybe.

But the constant chorus we have heard, for almost a decade now, is how wonderful our kids are, how special, how loved. And I am left baffled: I simply cannot imagine being angry enough to walk away from my (theoretical, long-future) grandchildren. I can’t imagine allowing adult conflicts to completely shut down any efforts to reach my grandchildren. Sure, the parents sent back a large package of gifts, unopened, but I might interpret that as a message to start with a small, personal message – the mail will get forwarded, be it paper or electronic – that somehow takes a lot more effort than buying some toys. I would understand, even expect, that any message I sent would be screened by the parents, especially if I had a history of sending backhanded passive-aggressive messages in the past, but then my messages would simply be along the lines of, “I love you and I think of you and you matter to me,” and so I would have nothing to fear from parental oversight.

But that’s me. Apparently there is another way of viewing the world, one in which anger at the parents immediately translates into silence toward the children. I’ve been able to sit down and understand, at some level, the thought processes and behaviors of the severely mentally ill, of sex offenders, of drug abusers, but somehow this particular mindset just eludes me.

Ignorance isn’t bliss, exactly, but it could at least be characterized as benign contentment.

I’ve been pondering having a blog for some time so finally, this Sunday morning…well afternoon now actually, I am sitting in bed setting this up. Hope it goes ok…..still got to decide on my appearance theme….in the mean time, check out any of my websites or twitter pages listed below:

www.communicationandconflict.com

http://twitter.com/alan_sharland

http://twitter.com/PropertyUKlinks

http://twitter.com/I_Love_SBI

http://twitter.com/JaynesJewels – but sssshhhh don’t tell anyone that’s mine….most people think it is run by a woman….called Jayne….I set it up for my lovely friend…hi Peachy …..but I run it for her. It seems to be very popular with Jewellery makers all over the world.

Anyway, hope you like my blog….look forward to connecting with you.

Alan

You made up your mind, and took that first step

You planned in your head the life you would get

You struggled alone even though others were there

You gave up and laid everything down to see what you could forget

.

You never felt that you fit

You always felt like your shit

You never looked up to see

What you really meant to me

And now you’re looking behind back at all that you’ve left

Realize that you’re to blame for all of your regret

.

You always settled for less, even though you wanted the best

You let it burn at your chest instead of laying it down to rest

You lived in another world full of failures and lies

Never stepped out to see how many people had tried

.

You never felt that you fit

You always felt like your shit

You never looked up to see

What you really meant to me

And now you’re looking behind back at all that you’ve left

Realize that you’re to blame for all of your regret

.

You picked up and left all your friends, they were too good for you

You left your family, guess you really hated them too

Then you left your whole life, I guess you finally knew

Your self loathing and lies were changing all that was true

.

And now look at where you are

Such a pitiful star

Burned bright then fell from above

Guess it really wasn’t true love

And make it through life

Always feeling that knife

The one you stuck in yourself

I guess you didn’t need any help

.

You never felt that you fit

You always felt like your shit

You never looked up to see

What you really meant to me

And now you’re looking behind back at all that you’ve left

Realize that you’re to blame for all of your regret

Geometry? I don’t think so. Triangles, in math, hold no appeal for me.

Triangles in fiction, though, are a whole different subject.

The picture book I’m working on has three characters. Okay, well, four, but one’s a surprise, and I’m not talking about that one yet. But the family–three members.

I knew what the son–the hero–was about. I knew what the father was about. And I knew there was/should be a mother. Even if I didn’t know, at all, what she was about.

I wanted that mother. Not just because, well…I wanted to be in the story. For one thing, I wanted my young hero to have two (albeit well-meaning) antagonists, so he really has to fight to come through the winner. But also because I just like triangles.

Pick a scene, any scene. You’ve got two people in that scene, interacting with each other. Those two people can have a conversation. Those two people can have an argument. Those two people can create some serious tension.

Three can do more.

If you’re reading a scene with two characters, you may get some surprises, but there is a pattern you–as the reader–will be following. It’s kind of like watching tennis or ping-pong. It’s not always back and forth–the server might double-fault, or the receiver get aced. But basically, you know who’s going to hit the ball next. In a scene, you know–basically–who’s going to speak next, or act/react next.

If you add a third character to that scene, all bets are off. You can’t know, as the reader, with any certainty, who’s up next in the rally. You can’t anticipate, for sure, who’s going to be arguing with whom, or when (even if) the third character will throw in their own two cents. You can’t guess, when the hero takes a punch at someone else in the room, whether he’ll hit his target or that other guy in the room.

And, honestly, there are plenty of times when the writer can’t predict any of this either.

So I’m keeping my mother. With the help of a critique from Susan Taylor Brown, I now have the spark of an idea of what the mother is about. I’ll play with that in the next draft and see what she gives back to me, to the story. To that triangle.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines contempt as the act of despising or having a lack of respect or reverence. This may include mockery, put-downs, hostile corrections, sarcasm, ridicule, and outright hostile joking. Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone. People sometimes resort to using contempt without even realizing it. The use of contempt during conflict is very common, and consequently, also very destructive.

In conflict, contempt is sometimes used as a way of defending oneself and/or exerting power over the other. It often stems from frustration with the opposing party and can ultimately lead to the destruction of the relationship. Many times people say the right words, but with an expression of contempt, the conflict inevitably leads to further destruction. It’s like the old saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” Ironically enough, it’s true. The manner in which you express yourself will ultimately determine the outcome of the conflict.

Various communication studies have shown that contempt is almost never present in a healthy relationship. Contempt is never justified in a long-term, important relationship. Think about your relationships. There are likely certain relationships in which you would never use contempt as a way of solving a problem. Think about why. You probably have too much respect for the other person and would never want to jeopardize the relationship by acting in a hostile and disrespectful manner.

One particular communication scholar referred to contempt as a part of the “four horseman of the apocalypse”, meaning that when this behavior (among others) “rides in” to the relationship, the end is near. Pretty scary, right? The same scholar defines contempt as any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than the other. Sounds harsh. And it is. The use of contempt can be vicious and hurtful.

Although this is an exaggerated and extreme case of using contempt, here’s an example of how contempt is often used to deal with conflict:

SuperBad Contempt

Hopefully through the process of learning to recognize these behaviors, you will be able to avoid such destructive conflicts. The way you behave during conflict is a choice yet to be made. So take this to heart, and avoid resorting to contempt. Express yourself clearly and constructively or face the consequences of destructive conflict.

The World March for Peace and Non-violence is continuing its route around the world. It has recently arrived in the USA and this is the view of Red Bluff co-ordinator Mary Shaver Hobi .

Currently we are living in a world at war. We see it happening live on the nightly news ever more frequently these days. Perhaps we know of someone fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan, a son or daughter, brother or sister, father, mother, husband, wife or someone very close to the suffering of war. It is definitely not a peaceful feeling! Most of us feel helpless to make it go away. There is also a looming threat of a nuclear war happening somewhere in the world. This is not a peaceful thought, and it perturbs our minds and hearts even to imagine that this type of disaster could happen here or anywhere in the world.

Violence in our personal lives, whether we’re young or old, also creates a feeling of the absence of the peace we aspire to. This personal violence causes mental and physical suffering in ourselves and in those close to us.

Think for a moment of the violence that is produced when we discriminate against others because of their race, their sex, their religious beliefs, for economic or moral reasons, or when we mentally or physically do another harm. Treating others as we would like to be treated is a helpful attitude to diminish personal and social violence. It is a great tool for creating peace in your life.

War and other forms of violence are of great concern for people everywhere; but, you may ask, what can be done?

Currently a World March for Peace and Nonviolence is moving across the globe, participating in rallies, conferences, marches and meetings with dignitaries, including presidents of countries, the Pope, and Nobel Peace Prize laureates in Berlin, all to raise the awareness of the nuclear threat and a call for peace and nonviolence globally.

Red Bluff is one of a few cities in the United States the march will visit on its long journey that concludes on Jan. 2, 2010, in Punta de Vacas, Argentina, high in the Andes mountains. What an opportunity we have here!

At noon on December 2, at Red Bluff’s Park of Study and Reflection, there will be an event in which participants from Redding who joined at the start of the march in New Zealand, in October, will talk about their travels and experiences. Chico and Red Bluff peace groups, students from Chico State University and Red Bluff High School, artists, veterans of war, and others will speak.

This is only the beginning of what each of us can do to bring peace and nonviolence to our lives, our communities, our world.

“If your pictures aren’t good enough,

you aren’t close enough.”

Minnesota Nice is a term applied to those raised in Minnesota and were taught to avoid conflict at all cost. Unfortunately, this conflict avoidant approach is not effective in the workplace. There is a theory that we develop a conflict management style (see Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument) that suggests we are more apt to prefer one or more approach when dealing with conflict.

When we perceive a threat in the work place, we may:

1. Avoid – withdraw from the situation in hopes it will go away or someone else will deal with the problem. This is a difficult prospect no matter the role but especially challenging when one is the leader expected to make tough decisions.
2. Control – take charge! In an effort to show progress one may seize control of the project no matter the impact on others.
3. Accommodate – allow the dominate person to have their way. While not totally giving in one gives more than they honestly wish to provide. Resentment can build up over time.
4. Compromise – give a little here, take a little there. This is the classic response to minor conflicts, although in reality accommodation is a mini-win and mini-loss.
5. Collaborate – put both parties interests on the table in an effort to strengthen the desired outcome.

A deeper understanding of one’s dominant conflict style will go far in a fresh start in conflict management. Often times two parties will become deeply entrenched without realizing they have similar interests.

For more details on how to constructively manage conflict in your team see my work at www.scott-morrell.com.

Scott Morrell

Bipartisan legislation on so called "conflict minerals" was recently introduced in the US House of Representatives. The bill is designed to create transparency and allow consumers to make informed choices when they purchase electronic devices like cell phones…. From VOA. Full story

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