I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about the damage that I did to this girl in her eye entering into the experience of self victimization to which I deliberately made myself addicted so that I could justify what I did to this girl and all the abuse that I have committed since then

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of self defeat to not take responsibility for what I did, because I didn’t said anything to my parents, I just told them that I wanted to go home, before I got in more troubles having to be scolded by the parents of the little girl, and I mean, I knew the consequences, I knew that there was a risk for playing with a slingshot, but I didn’t cared I was just following my desire of playing and breaking things although my parents told me that I could hurt someone but I didn’t heard them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take into consideration the consequences of what I could create by playing with that weapon, because I mean, the purpose of that shit, is to break things and to throw stones, what the fuck do I expected to happen? but actually it seems that I didn’t got the message because its like this kind of experiences repeated themselves over and over again, with the same kind of situations and, it got a point in which I just decided to not do it anymore, because it was stupid beyond believe, and I mean, I enjoyed a lot to play with knives and tools (the consequence of watching a lot of action movies and the desire to be as STRONG as the protagonists, this is a point for another blog), that was actually something that motivated me to go into the militarized school, and I actually can see that the consequences within the school was something that I actually created, and is kind of funny in a way because all of this time I have been looking at those times as “bad times” (there was a lot of things that I enjoyed but those are other points), when actually I created my own fuck up, I actually was judging myself, because I was there and the experience is here within me

Is fascinating, the result of all of this, I mean now I understand what is it that I have get to isolate so much of the people, it was all because of me, I cannot blame the psychologists, or the people around me, everything was the result of my own bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into judgments and blame towards myself instead of seeing that such experiences of judgments and blame has actually driven me to only create more points of self victimization and self hate which has reduced me to not be able to develop effective relationships, is quite funny I sit in my home and wait that something happens, but nothing really ever happens because I am here and thats it, there is no movement, no actual realization of anything. I guess this is a point in which I actually can commit myself to take myself to do more thing out of my home, I am not saying to go to social events or bullshit like that, but to actually get to know this world, travel to do more things and to learn more things and you know, it is also a point that I have resisted for so long because I don´t enjoyed to travel with my family and long distances, but I actually enjoy to travel alone, and to do social work, like the occasion in which I went to the turtle hatchery and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to make mistakes as I have created fear of the consequences of such mistakes which I have related to me as being a failure and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of mistakes and within this not realizing that I within this I have created fear of moving myself and of taking directive action and within this I have created fear to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving myself not realizing that any and every action has consequences but the law of prevention can actually support oneself to take responsibility for ones own actions and what one can actually determine from ones own actions to be make the best result for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to take responsibility for myself and my actions by hiding in my home and secluding myself from everyone that comes as an opportunity to learn something and to do something out of my ordinary living to test myself in new places to actually learn more and new stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live in this world, because I have created fear of myself, as I haven´t allowed myself to trust myself and to move myself within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  to fear myself as I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to actually really move and take responsibility for myself in each and every action as self honesty.

I commit myself to explore deeply in myself by taking me to do more stuff and to actually really learn to live practically in this world by myself

till the next joke

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when seeing the experiences that I have created within me towards other people, not realizing that when I react towards my own experience I am actually stating that I still have value placed in such points and that I have identified and defined myself within such points, for which I have this sensation of guilt as if it were like saying to myself, I am not able to change and this is everything that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with guilt to my own inner experiences giving value and worth to such ideas by defining myself as that in which I have created judgments towards myself and towards others instead of seeing and realizing that instead of going into such reactions I can explore the point in self honesty without any fear at all, because I see and realize that it is just an illusion and it is not who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of fear of losing the relationships with the persons that I appreciate when seeing this reactions within me, like saying that I have accepted myself as those judgments and thoughts within me which I have projected towards the persons that I appreciate

I realize that the fear of losing relationships was just a scam that I created for myself as a way of diverting my attention and giving value to my inner judgments and even the relationships in itself in which I have placed that value in separation of me instead of allowing me to take responsibility for myself to no longer allow myself to participate in such judgments and thoughts and not only to these beings, but also to anything and everyone else in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create the experience of guilt as repentance to also create the experience of “that I am a good person for feeling guilty about this thoughts” in which I have not faced the thoughts but I have preserved the experience of being guilty to continue with my accepted pattern of participation within the emotions and feelings towards them and towards their girlfriends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards my friends in the secrecy of my mind instead of looking at such judgments and confront them in self honesty by asking myself; how is it that I have created such judgments within myself and how is it that I have related myself to such judgments? and within that not seeing that it is me who is giving value to such judgments and within that I am creating guilt because it is me who has defined himself in relation to such judgments as it is me seeing me reflected in those judgments projected in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by isolating myself from the people around me I am not going to solve the inner conflict within me, because I see that the way in which I have created all of me has been trough relationships and therefore, by isolating myself from the people around me, is like just creating another layer of separation that only difficult me even more to be able to stand up and forgive myself to change myself and change this world for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value and importance to the relationships in itself than to life, without realizing that life is not defining accordingly to any relationship as it is unconditional and therefore to fear to lose relationships becomes irrelevant as what they are is only the reflection of self interest as separation, in which I have created the ultimate form of abuse to life, based on manipulation and control of what is here trough mind relationships, like competition for example

How is it that I have created the relationships towards the people that I see in my world? I can see that I experience fear towards the people in my world, no body is able to be trusted and within me there are all of this forms of competition that makes of everyone in my world my enemy, but only with the exception of those in which I find myself interest able to be fulfilled. How is it that I have came to fear the people in my world? I can remember a lot of things, the school and my schoolmates, my parents always being afraid of me going out to the street and being robed in a couple of occasions, the news on television, I also have fear to the people when they look at me, it is like I see their faces and the disgust within them to look at me or you know, those specific looks of anger within the people. It is amazing, I have actually being exciting in my happy world of jokes and fun, and lights within my mind, but I have never seen what is really going on within this world, and also I don´t remember myself asking to myself what is really going on in this world. why? Because of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I create competition towards the people in my world I make of everyone my enemy and therefore I place myself into a situation of constant and continuous stress as I fear everything and everyone in my world, by seeing them as a threat to “my life, my world” and I see and realize that within that I have placed value in separation of myself towards things in which I can focus my attention to divert everything of me to the energy so that I don´t have to see or worry about any other living being in my world because I see that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own fear, which I have also created to feel protected from everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world in which I live as I have also created the fear to think about what is going on, because maybe that sort of things could happen to me and as I don´t want to be on that situation I only ignore it and pretend that everything in my world is okay because I am protected in my home and in the commodity of a safe place in which I can hide from the negative thoughts, as in my home I have ways to entertain myself with television, food, exercise, porn, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard any other form of life as I have feared to get involved with what is here to actually do something because I fear to be harm as those that are actually suffering in this world, because of me not standing up and being the voice of those that actually have nothing to defend or protect themselves with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be harmed if I were to stand up and speak for those that are not hear, and I can extensively relate this point to the beginning of my process and when I was beginning to apply forgiveness, I was to shit scared that someone reacted to my words, and I had all of those thoughts and conspiracies about the people, in which I created a total psychosis about them and about being betrayed by them and shit like that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to apply self forgiveness out-loud as I have feared the reactions of the people around me as my family and my friends, then creating this energetic emotional experience of fear of losing relationships to apparently protect myself from losing them, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be robed by other human being as I have created fear of losing my personal belongings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value and worth within things that are separated from myself and that I have thought that if I were to lose such things I would not be able to “live the life” as I have accepted and allowed it to be and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that trough accepting and allowing myself to place value in stuff separated from myself I have allowed the life to be as it exists in the Capitalistic system that we have created

Till the next joke…

What is it that motivates the continuation of deception within myself? The temptation to divert the attention towards that which is the desire in itself, the reaching of something which is not me, which is more than me, which is separated from me.

I can see a recent experience that actually can describe this that is happening within myself; I have been looking for so long to the relationships of my friends(Free ends),  I am not speaking about them as my friends, I am speaking about who they are, and of that which I envy of them. I was looking at their girlfriends, and I also see the moments in which I met them, I fell in love of them, the girlfriends of my friends, I have already walked this in a previous blog, but certainly, now I am able to look at the relationship specifically, as I have already shared, I did a lot of things to be part of the group to be able to be with the girl which I liked, but what I haven’t walked yet, is what I experience when I am in front of my friends and their girlfriends.

When I am in front of the girlfriends of my friends, I have seen myself plotting and desiring to be with their girlfriends, and this also has been a point that I have taken within myself to try to become better than my friends at the eyes of their girlfriends, in fact, I can see a pattern between how I have  seen everything as a picture and also how I have considered myself to be a picture, because is like that I am trying to become a symbol of desire in the mind of others, and for that I have made of myself a picture of such desires, an entire self manipulation, and I mean this have sense, because is like as the saying, to be the perfect illusionist, you have to not only deceive the public, you have also to deceive yourself for it to be more real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plot against my friends so that I can create this illusion for myself of an opportunity with their girlfriends, then the friend is not really a friend isn’t it? or not as I have live it, and walked it and I mean, I am again placing the responsibility in separation of myself, because I am seeing me doing this and I have tried to become better at the eyes of others, when within me I never gave a fuck about the bullshit that I was doing. Actually I never dare to look at the real bullshit that I have been doing, I just placed beautiful pictures within my mind of their girlfriends and there was my desire to be with them, to have them and you know, the whole scenario and shit like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with the girlfriends of my friends, by following this energetic experience and creating and entire state of competition to be like my friends as I perceived myself to be inferior to them by creating comparisons and judgments towards myself as the inferiority in itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to my friends, through placing value judgments within me as pictures of what I have perceived them to be, not realizing that is me who is looking and giving value to such points when maybe, they don´t even care about such things and you know, maybe they are seeing at other things within me in which I don´t place value and so on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in separation of myself as pictures and demonstrations of skills(self kill) which I have considered to be SPECIAL and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth in skills with I have perceived that makes me someone special, without ever realizing that I have created the fear in which if I were to lose such skills I would apparently become diminished or not existent (at the eyes of others) but what would remain then is the real me, the reality of myself

I commit myself to confront that in which I have placed value and worth in separation of me, myself to reveal to me who I am without any of those things in which I have placed value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be exposed in this fear as I have feared to confront the reality of myself and the consequences from which I have been hiding of, as this internal competition that I didn´t allowed myself to reveal to anyone, not even to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be self honest as I realize that I already knew that I would have to face my own consequences and what I have accepted and allowed within me as myself.

Till the next joke…

I am thinking, where should I begin? and this is already a reference that I already know where to begin, but I am diverting my attention to the energetic emotional experience instead of looking directly to my own fear, and I think that I begin to understand why it is that this point manifests, when I think about fears, I am searching and evaluating the amount of energy that I experience from many pictures, memories, situations, ideas and so on, but I am not looking directly at one of them and you know, taking it and exploring it, then what I would be doing is to look at the resistance in itself and then from there walk the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought: where do I begin? not seeing that my own fear is already manifesting itself as this doubt, as the question in itself “where do I begin?”, so another question is why is it that I am creating resistances to speak out my own fear? Is it that do I fear my own fear? and How is it possible that the fear, fears itself? Is interesting, the fear cannot fear itself, because it is already that which is fear itself, but, if the fear cannot fear itself and I have been in fact walking in my daily living, doing a lot of stuff that I don´t even see as a point of fear and I justify it as something that is normal when in fact what is behind of it is fear, and there are a lot of points that represents like you know, a point in which the relationship with fears is in danger I will then avoid it because it would show me then that I am not that fear, and that I don´t have to live as that fear.

The question of “where do I begin?” is a form of fear, that is placed as another form of energy, but every single thing within the mind comes and depends of fear to sustain itself as it exists, therefore, what I am able to see is that all and everything that I am and have become is a manifestation of fear and that is why, I see this world as NORMAL, because it is already me, this world is me and what is going on within this world, this circus, is me, I have become the circus and therefore what the circus is showing me, is that I am within the Circus, and I am able to stop the circus by allowing myself to stop everything that I have created of me as the circus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to confront my own fear by creating another forms of energetic experiences so that I don´t question what is going on within this world, this circus, and within myself.

So, if my questions are deliberately placed as a form of diversion, what I require to do is to formulate real questions, and to look deep in myself if that question is really a point of self honesty to confront myself, because as long as I define my questions within an structure of finding like, you know, just the “quick answer = justification” for everything, then nothing is really going to move, or change at all.

Then, how is it that I created the fear within myself? what is the purpose or the reason for it to exist? There is something that this fear doesn’t want me to look at. The ego knows everything about me, nevertheless I also know what is existing within me and therefore I will give to myself the answer of myself, the answer to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am able to give to myself the answer if I allow myself to confront my own fear, because the fear in itself is existing within me because I exist, If I didn’t exist this fear would not exist, and if this fear doesn’t want me to look at me, and to realize that I exist, and that in fact I am able to do something about me, and about my world, then this fear is also limited, as limited as I am, because in my existence as fear I have become it, therefore I have to walk myself out of it, and to do that, I have to walk each and every single fucking fear that I had created within me and within my world as the experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me and to see that I actually really exists and therefore that I am able to do something about me, because I do not depend of the energetic experience to move me, as I am able to move myself for myself and exist here, and I realize that, that is only able to happen if I allow myself to be independent of each and every single form of emotion, feeling, energy, reaction, etc., therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the energetic experiences within me as I created a certain sense of commodity in relation to other experiences that depend of fear in itself, like love, the love for my father, which is deception as I see that my interest has been that of money. I guess that, that (dad) is a nice point to begin with.

How is it that I have created such relationship towards my father?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I love my father, when I have not seen that I do not have to say that to myself, I do not have to convince myself if that were real, therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince me that I love my father, and now I am asking within myself, but then why is it that I have created so much lies within me? why is it that I have allowed myself so much conflict and shame within me and within my world? I mean, is not about my father, is about each and every single form and expression within this world, if I really cared, I would not be looking for another fucking thing, because the world is already here and I am here with and as this world, I see the lies that I have told to my father and to myself, I see all the suffering that I have create towards my father and how it has affected him, many times I asked myself, why is it that my father has got so angry at us? I never tried to understand him, as I never tried to understand this world, for me it was very easy to create a beautiful feeling towards everything in this world, and pictures and knowledge about it, but, when do I tried to even look at this world and ask myself if it really deserves that I allow such abuse within me? The responsibility resides where I take responsibility for myself, knowing that it will benefit everyone, that has nothing to do with love, it is equality, it is oneness (do onto other as you would like to be done onto you)

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself as I have allowed me to become a clown, a joke to life and I have not considered that, I have allowed me to abuse life, to abuse me, to abuse everything in this existence and I have created this circus as it exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take responsibility for myself means to take care of life, and I can see this in many moments in which I saw that what I was doing was in fact dishonest, as I went with my friends to drink alcohol and take drugs when my father asked me to not do it, and I mean, is not about the point of obedience and you know the family values and so on, it is about that I became someone that is not able to be trusted, I did not took into consideration that what I was doing was in fact an abuse to my physical body, and I mean, I knew what I was doing, but I allowed myself to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become someone that is not able to be trusted as I have not even regarded and honored my own words and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself as life, by allowing myself to use my words as manipulation tactics, as lies, to be able to have the energetic experiences of the drugs of the experiences of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of guilt around this realization to victimize myself within the thoughts, “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention” therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thoughts “but I didn’t knew”, “it wasn’t my intention”, when actually I knew what I was doing, and I see that what I have created and what I am experiencing are my own consequences.

I commit myself to confront each and every single fear and point of dishonesty so that I am able to stand up as a real being that takes care of life, and that actually cares about life

Till the next joke…

OK, so, How is it that I have created the relationship of Victimization and how it is related to the experience (as the excuse to feel sorry for myself) of loneliness? But before getting to that I remember that I left some points opened that I didn’t explored in self honesty, as the experience of fear to be see as weak, and I also assume that this connection between the experience of victimization and loneliness is also related to this particular fear of being seen as weak, if I see this as a form of hiding, how is it that I have came to this point of hiding myself and why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of victimization as an excuse to hide myself within using the justification that I feel alone, then how is it that I have created this relationship of feeling alone towards myself? because is actually quite interesting that I have given  value and worth to such experience when actually I am here, and I mean, yes, I am alone, but this experience of loneliness is more like a dependency towards something or someone, because when I have this experience what I have done is that I always use it to justify to go to play videogames and get distracted from the energetic experience or also I have been creating like a certain experience of depression, but I mean, does that change anything at all? or I am using such experiences to actually place myself in those situations for the search of more energetic experiences? If that is so, it is then obvious that this is a form of addiction, addiction to depression as a negative experience and within that what I can also see is that when I create such experiences I am also going into an experience of specialness, but this specialness is dependent of the victimization, in the sense that I have given so much value and worth to the negative experience that I have seen it as something that has importance and within this I have pretended to gave importance to myself in that way, as a victim of almost a form of abuse, but, it is an abuse that I am creating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately create experiences of self victimization and self sorry, to create an experience of specialness within this, creating a point of attention and energy that is accumulated within this points, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships between the memories and the experience of self victimization as self sorry to place this points as me and to experience the energy as me

I understand, I have to create relationships to be able to place the energetic experience as myself to be able to experience it, therefore, the point of loneliness as the diversion of attention is only a tactic to keep myself searching for relationships/experiences =energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone and for accepting myself to create the experience of loneliness, well actually, if I didn’t had the experience of loneliness it should be impossible for me to feel alone, I mean, is like when a baby cries, why? because it is searching for attention, and I mean if I learned when I was a baby that I would receive attention if I victimized and myself and cried, everything that I have been doing is actually remaining a baby… now I see the relationship towards my father again and how it is that I became worried for his death only because, that is like the point in which I have created this relationship towards money, my own survival, and actually anything less than really seeing in self honesty what all of this entails, would be like the ultimate act of stupidity, and that is not funny at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this experiences of depression and obsession for relationships and attention to be able to have what I wanted, instead of allowing myself to be independent and learn how to actually take care of myself and enjoy myself, because really, there is nothing else to do in this world than walking each and every single construct and give to self the opportunity to change

Till the next joke… in the point of fear of death

What I experience within masturbation is a form of pleasure, but the cost is the complete sacrifice of myself, all my time, all my energy to the orgasm, not seem worth it.

Returning to this point of victimization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to speak out the point of victimization in self honesty because I see that by exposing this point, everything else just falls apart, because I then become exposed as the real clown that I have actually accepted myself to be, and I mean, what is the pride for? It is a point, that is not part of the picture that I present to others, is a picture that I gave to myself to place value and worth in things that are actually so…insignificant, so deceptive, to not take responsibility for those things that are the real shame, those things that are the real illusion, or at least where I have have accepted the illusion to be the directive principle instead of me being and allowing me to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is becoming repetitive and I mean, it is, but is just because everything is intertwine, all the relationships depends of each other to be able to sustain the entire mind consciousness system, the circus itself, is interesting because I have fear of losing the interest of others in me, in this blog for example, but within this I am accepting myself to be only a picture, and that is really not funny

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose the interest of other people in me, in my picture, in presentation, in my act as a clown, because then you don´t enough money, and you don´t have enough experiences to feel and to be part of the society, you are left alone, you become a graceless clown, a clown without joke.

What are jokes actually, if not the opinions of the people about the world and other people? everything defined in a mind perspective of what life is or should be, everyone trying to fit in and survive their own opinion of the world and how this should be, because the survival in this system, only exists, because we have accepted it, we somehow think, that some must suffer so that others can have everything that they want

But anyway, actually I see that everything that I have done till this moment is give to myself enough strength to really go into the matter, the real point, lol, shit, well I don´t see anywhere else to go; memory by memory, thought by thought, relationship by relationship, everything requires to be walked specifically to bring the real me.

Very well then, what thoughts or memories come when I speak about victimization and specialness? I have one picture of myself here in this moment. Have I defined myself accordingly to my mind? what is my mind then? why it seems to be separated from me? I mean, I am seeing me…in my mind, and it is like I am speaking to me, that I am showing me something, but am I my mind? then who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself accordingly to the experience of victimization when seeing me going into this states of feeling sorry for myself and actually becoming acquiescent with this abuse towards the world and towards myself, strange that there is this acceptance and allowance of abuse, I mean, looking for instance to the opposite side of this point of victimization, the specialness, the pride, it is something that I am only able to create when a polarity exists.

How is it that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the abuse? through feeling sorry for myself, because I mean, by feeling sorry, I have like this sensation of you know is like a fake sense of appreciation of something, something that have worth and value over other things, because I am the one creating the experience and in consequence placing this value within that for which I feel sorry for, and that is not me, if that were so, I would be standing up and speaking in self honesty in every moment of every breath, the abuse of this world is what allows me to be the way I am, and in consequence I step back and allow the abuse, and I allow myself to feel sorry for myself instead of actually looking that the specialness that I am protecting with this victimization is just the justification of the abuse in this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Pornography for instance, I am acquiescent with myself and in consequence I create the experience of excitement and specialness, therefore to be acquiescent, means to accept and allow the abuse of the world and I see how I have done this within all my relationships, I mean, the point in which I have stand within all of the relationships, is that of pleasing others and in consequence, accepting the abuse of others by being acquiescent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the pride as strength and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape from the weakness that I have perceived within myself

The victimization is part of the character of specialness, because it makes me feel like I am the one that is suffering the injustice of the world, I have become such a self center asshole, as a Christian, that I didn´t saw the true suffering in this world

I will continue this in Part 2

Till the next joke…

Continuing with this point, here I am sharing my relationship towards Pornography and how it became such a definition of myself that it defined all my relationships.

OK, so I ended up the previous blog sharing how I went into a real obsession with Pornography and how it became such an influence within sex that actually it defined my relationship towards sex and  in fact the relationship with my couple. Well what I can realize of what I have walked within this point is that I became almost a picture programed with movements within sex, because that is all that I saw of myself, that is what I cared about me and myself as everything that I am and required to be to keep the relationship going, but I mean there were also many points in regards to the “behavior patterns” that actually begun to change once that I had sex, I mean one is first showing the part that is necessary to have the relationship, but it is amazing that in the first relationship you are going to fuck it up, because I mean is quite simple, like in every fucking thing that you do, you first make mistakes, but what you do is not a real comprehension of what you are doing, there is not even an exploration of the point for that matter, what I did is that I begun to program myself, giving for granted that by pleasing my partner everything was going to be okay, and I mean, what the fuck is that?!  because that only makes both to remain doing exactly the same bullshit and even taking it to an extent in which both create more fears and I mean once that the relationship was done, I saw the real potential of what it could be and I saw that if I really cared for my couple, I would spoken, rather than keep quiet, and so on.

I still have desires of watching pornography, I mean it has become almost like a drug, and what I can also see is how my preferences for certain things became determined in what I wear, what I do, what I speak; and within that is fascinating that I searched for people that had similar preferences, similar sex constructs, I mean is the reflection of each other, and I can also see why is it that I created a lot of points of competition towards my friends, why? Because they were me, in that points, and I mean the very fact that I am saying that I “were those points” means that I defined myself accordingly to the things that I did, and you know is like when you think about the future and you are worried about it but only because one speaks about it as if it was left in the past and so on. But it is still here, I mean I am still experiencing the same desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the desire to watch pornography in separation of myself, when what I can see is that I am still participating in the same energetic experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue searching for porn pictures within my mind when I masturbate and when I have this experience of loneliness in which I try to cover it up with the energetic experience of an orgasmI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind shame to not confront my own experience towards pornography and within this what I can see is that what I have written above it is still manipulated by myself, as it is the actual you know just the, review of it, but there is still a lot that I am not sharing here and that I have not yet walked; the point of loneliness is something that I am just looking in this moment. And the experience has been there for a while but I have deliberately not explore it in self honesty and I am still letting a lot of moments of opportunity to get away with every single distraction that I allowtherefore I have to commit myself to be more discipline, to be more effective, to be more sincere and more direct with myself, If I just follow the reactions, I mean, I already know the consequences, and I know that I am walking to my own destruction if I continue like this, the only opportunity that I have is to explore what is yet unexploredI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately close myself in patterns that I know that are just like looking at the consequences of the point, but that are not the real source of the entire construct 8i will inspect this point of loneliness and I will be more effective within all of this, for me)till the next joke…

Well, the majority of those reading this, will find this experience quite familiar and will be able to relate the way in which one begins to watch Pornography, I am going to share here how is it that I begun to watch Pornography, and how I formed many of my relationships in my life due to this relationship with Pornography.

Is interesting, the first thing that I remember is how difficult it was for me to fit in the school for clowns, everyone used to told me that I was a mime (clowns is a joke, you would not understand it), but seriously, I can see a particular point that I have related extensively in all my relationships towards women, and within this how that point has enter in extensive conflict with Pornography within myself, creating literally this friction (collision) between morals (superego) and desires (ego); as I have explained previously in other blogs, I made a lot of things to try to fit in the group of my school, one of them was when I begun to speak in a nasty way about the girls, and about their appearances making all of this comparison between them, and I mean, this also begins with the simple fact of playing this games of superiority and inferiority between me and my schoolmates, because, if you see, how (well I assume) we make the games of competitions and we begin to gossip about who is better than the other and so on, and so it begun to happen with the girls, creating all of this games of competition about who is the most attractive girl in the classroom and so on.

Then it came this point about a competition of having girlfriend and you know, is like we create this as a symbol of “hey look I am dating this girl”, and I had all of this reactions of jealousy towards my schoolmates because they were dating the girls that I liked, and within this I became also frustrated because I had difficulties to form relationships towards the opposite sex, also I can see the pattern between my cousins and all of this, because I was always inadequate in one way or another and I tried so much to become something in front of the girls that I ended doing just, you know, the clown…, and what then happened is that I begun to behave exactly like the boys that were dating the girls that I liked and so on.

But within this it emerges an interesting point, that I would create this superego, in relation to wanting to be or become “Someone worthy of a relationship” so to speak, and for this I mean, that I tried to be or become this “nice guy and good person and whatever”, and one point which is the one of the principals in which I found myself entering into constant conflict, was this of…I don´t know if the right term for this could be a “gentleman” you know, in a certain way like, DOING EVERYTHING TO PLEASE THE OTHER.

Is quite amazing you know, maybe it seems that I am taking to far this point, but I would get to the main part of it, just keep reading (keep breathing).

And the first time that I watched Pornography, it was pictures about one celebrity to which I felt attracted on that time, and she was naked, so…, my first reaction was this excitement within me growing almost like a fever that was overwhelming me, and in that moment I was watching it with my schoolmates and what I then did is that I took the computer and searched the same pictures, now, in that time, I could say that yes, I did masturbated, but I mean, it was not in the way that I do it now, lol, this sounds weird, but, it makes a lot of sense, because the way in which I even touch myself then, was not the same once that I watched lots of porn videos, I mean, one no longer express oneself in masturbation as one used to do it, because what I did is that I begun to do the same things that the porn actors did, and you know.

But anyway, I took the picture to my home and I begun to watch it, sometimes I did it in various occasions in a day, not necessary masturbating myself with it, just watching it, and feeling how I was becoming excited to watch it, and you know, once I get bored with one, I will take another, and then another, and then another, (sounds familiar with what we do with our relationships isn’t it?) the sensation that I got when watching pornography, was very specific, also the experience in masturbation, because I had this experience of guilt within myself. I mean something was wrong with all of this “act”, because I mean, everything is going on within the mind, even our backchats towards our partners can be the perfect reflection of this, in our mind, why?, because its what we do with this kind of things, WE DO IT IN PRIVATE.

Why we do it in private? Well, What I can say from my experience is that, there was an specific occasion in which my mother noticed what I was watching, now I was raised upon the popular religion of the clowns, Christianity, the Pope is the better joke ever made, whatever….; and her reaction was like a mixture of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and LOVE, well, essentially what she did and what my father did is that they scolded me in such a way that from that day I begun to hide to do it, I mean, I made an effort to not watch it, but the desire was just there, and is like suddenly… I didn´t notice like the transition you know, first when I was a child I masturbated without any picture, I just enjoyed of my body and thats it, and then I couldn´t do it any longer without pictures, because there was this stimulation that was constant and continuous that manifested in presence of all the girls and you know, all the thoughts and so on.

What then begun to happen is that I begun to speak in a nasty way about the girls and you know saying like “she is hot, look at her ass” and bullshit like that, but within me I would be like, “Oh no, what am I doing? This is Sin and you know”, I  got angry with myself, really very angry, well, first I experienced such shame, that not even praying for hours was enough

I guess that one point that is important to remark is the fact that what made me became obsessed for Pornography wasn’t so much the sex in fact, but the pictures, as the must suggestive pictures that I found was those of the Hentai, (Animated Pornography) why? Because if you look at the women presented in such pictures, they are “perfect”, in the sense that if you look at the pictures, it is shaped accordingly to the desires of the mind, big boobs, cute face (curiously very similar to face of children) the bodies are shaped without any imperfection, because its not real, its not physical “ITS NOT POSSIBLE THAT A BODY LIKE THAT EVER EXISTS” (at least that you make some surgeries here and there but that is another story) and if you see at the people today that try to fit in the cultural standards, what is that they are trying to reach? that picture, that shape, that mind illusion

And this Porn addiction begun with searching the pictures of famous characters that I used to watch on Anime series; there are another points that supported this specific pattern that I will share in blogs to come, and how my relationships begun to be defined accordingly to what I was searching from the sexual and cultural perspective so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my relationships in relation to what I watched in Pornography, as what I was searching for was my energetic emotional experience of excitement by attaining the relationship with a girl that were like my stereotypes of Animation pictures, and I mean that is also something that was a problem within relationships, that I would have this judgments and assumptions of who the people is, before getting to know them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the pictures and the fantasies of porn, as it was something that from my perception didn´t had consequences and was out of my daily reality in which I felt like, just sick as I didn´t wanted to face the reality of myself, the real me as I hide in personalities and I mean, the principle one is this nice personality of the funny clown, and what not. (point still to walk)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape from the daily reality as I didn´t enjoy to be me, and therefore I allowed this point of pornography to be the substitute (the prostitute) of the real reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to watch porn so that I were able to escape from the internal experience of desire, because it seemed that it became out of control as I was stimulated all the time, and in every little thing and every single place, that I were, because you are not able to keep your eyes aways from all the propaganda, each and every single place has an spectacular of a partially naked woman, showing her breasts or her ass and you know, all the points in which one becomes addicted, and I mean, I remember my first time, the way I touched the woman, and what I expected the experience to be, was not at all, what I got, because I mean, I focused on the breasts, on the ass, on the penetration, but I didn´t saw the touch, I didn´t saw myself

It will continue in part 2

Till the next joke…

As I begun to masturbate, I was able to see that I actually felt like disgust of my body, shame and you know, all of this judgments towards what I was doing, and what then happened is that I saw, that even within those judgments and feelings of disgust towards my physical body, I just kept myself going and going, like almost obsessed for having the orgasm. and the I saw that and I said to myself: Shit! Is not only that the separation of my physical body exists as the unawareness of this, that is me existing in the mind creating all of this pictures, but is also that I am manipulating and using and abusing it, to have my energetic experience of ecstasy while all the time I am actually remaining in my mind and therefore, something that I can see now, is that all the times that I had sex with another being, I cannot completely say that I was with the being, I mean, I didn’t even was with myself, all the time I was thinking and judging what I was doing and how I was doing it, therefore, I didn’t had an experience with the other being I was only having an experience within my mind

Obviously, first I went into many mind possessions of falling into the desire of watching pornography, and I will use many excuses to go into the experience instead of writing to explore the point, like for instance, I will watch pornography and I will then say that I was going to write while watching pornography and I mean, in the first situations it worked, but then I will go into the same point just to watch pornography and it will be a moment in which I will ended masturbating. (I am going to share my experience with pornography in the next blog)

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust of my physical body while seeing me being naked, not realizing that the experience of disgust towards myself can also point out that I was actually disgust of what I was doing to it, because I mean I was using and abusing me to have a mental experience. But also, the experience of disgust is mental, therefore I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to relate the experience of disgust towards my physical body, when it is me creating such relationship towards my physical in the way in which I am seeing it, the way in which I am actually abusing it and within this it is me who has created the separation towards the physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the masturbation as something that is disgusting, when actually I can see that the way in which I have created such relationship towards my body, has been through the ideas that what I am doing is bad and that is wrong to do it, or that I should feel shame of doing it, and within this, what has happened is that I have created the sense of disgust towards my physical body, because I see it as something that is dirty and you know, is like when you see pornography ad they are doing the explicit scenes of having rough sex, that also seems like a form of raping, but “to what extent we have taken such disgust of ourselves, that as long as we are able to experience the orgasm, the moment of ecstasy, we accept such violent acts, because we see it as something that is “normal” within sex? you know, is or should be disgusting and dirty and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the masturbation is dirty, well…it becomes dirty once you have finished and you have to clean all over the place…lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the sex is dirty, when actually is a movement of two physical bodies sharing together themselves, expressing together themselves, and it has nothing to do with something nasty or dirty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pictures within my mind while masturbating to create the experience in my mind and to divert my attention from myself in an orgasmic experience instead of allowing myself to actually care for my physical body, care for myself, and place ATTENTION IN MYSELF.

I realize that sex has become only entertainment also as masturbation and therefore, the point to walk here is the development of attention within me trough writing and within this I commit myself to place attention within myself because it is within that all of this moments are being created as a way of escaping from me, myself, and what I have accepted and allowed myself to happen within this world.

Till the next joke…

I remember the school and how much I tried to fit in the group to form relationships, and I remember some of the things that I did to try to fit, I used to felt inadequate and what I would tried to do is to behave like everyone else, because for instance, there was a girl that I really liked a lot and as I will see that she used to be with a certain group of guys, what I would do is that I will try to get to her through the people around her, meaning that I would try to behave and to wear my clothes exactly as the group liked or accepted, and another thing that I would then do to be with them is that I would lie for other people to get them out of their troubles, and I would also lie to make me more than what I actually am, or I would to get to the point of making compromises, in which I would reject many things that I actually enjoyed to do, to be able to be part of the group. One of them for example is that didn’t enjoyed the football, but I would play with the group to be around this girl, is quite fascinating, recently when I went to visit this guy that was my schoolmate, what I saw that he was doing and become, is exactly the reflection of me, everything of me, was exactly as this guy, and that makes me wonder, “who I am then?”, Is he me? or, Am I him?

I got it! I am that which I accept and allow me to be, therefore, it is not that I am a definition of me or him, is what I accept and allow me to do, to be, to say, in the moment, what becomes WHO I AM, and therefore, what he is experiencing now, is therefore what I used to experience as myself, inadequate, less than, inferior, unworthy, incapable, almost miserable.

Its not about to become something, because if I were to become something, I am only one definition of all what is existent within this reality and the only way to stand up as the entirety of my self is to stand equal as that which is existent in all of existence together, and that one thing IS LIFE!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to become like my schoolmates to fit in the group because I see that I wanted to have fun and to enjoy myself, but I accepted myself to sacrifice me at the expenses of being something else to be able to remain a participant within the group and therefore I forgive myself that I did not accepted and allowed me to be me and express me unconditionally without any dependency towards a relationship, but now the question is, if I already felt that I was dependent of relationships, when is that I have allowed me to express and to live me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was dependent of relationships to express me and live me, when actually what I have defined as me is the energetic experience within me, in which I have locked myself as a drug addict, to have my personal experience to consume me, and to only exist as that experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the energetic emotional experience going on within me, and within this I realize that I defined myself accordingly to other people for “the way they made me feel” and within this creating the idea and projection of guilt and blame towards them instead of taking responsibility for my own creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie for my schoolmates to feel accepted and to feel part of the group not seeing that I accepted and allowed to create points that were not necessary for me to experience, and   and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame and store resentment towards my schoolmates for how they made me feel when actually I didn’t allowed myself to take responsibility for myself and to trust myself instead of placing trust in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in relationships instead of allowing me to trust me and within I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in the energetic emotional experience through defining this energetic emotional experience as me, not seeing that by placing my trust in the energetic emotional experience, I am following that energetic emotional experience and within that I am constantly and continuously creating more and more energetic reactions towards everything in my world so that I can create more of the energetic emotional experience, getting to the point, of not just no longer trusting me, but I actually sacrifice me to get more of the energetic emotional experience instead of seeing me here as the physical body that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the trust in me to the energetic emotional experience, not realizing that when I place my trust in a point that can change so easily, I am constantly and continuously searching for that which is in separation of me, as relationships to create more of the energetic emotional experience so that I am able to find trust in me, instead of giving me the opportunity to trust me

Till the next joke…

For me, that culture includes, for example, appreciation of the arts (including movies and books that don’t shy away from portraying our sinful and broken world). While I feel passionately about this and other aspects of culture, they shouldn’t be sacred. You don’t need to look like me to be walking in faith.

I can be tempted to reject or remake those around me who don’t fit my idea of what is best–or, I can be tempted to let the culture around me conform me.

That brings me to Romans 12, an important text about our sanctification as believers. Paul has just finished a glorious 11 chapters of thick, weighty doctrine. He has written at length about what the gospel is and what it is not. In light of all that…

…present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
~ Romans 12:1-2

While I recognize that Paul is most likely using “world” to refer to the unbelieving world, I can’t help but think that often the greater temptation for us as Christians is to be conformed to our world (our Christian, sanitized world) but fail to be transformed. That isn’t the case for everyone, but I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt–Christian culture is massive here. We can either fool ourselves into thinking that success is measured by whether we wear the shirts and follow the rules–or we can require that mimicry of those around us before we accept them.

Those mentalities still violate the spirit of what Paul is teaching here. If we (Christians) truly are meant to be a collage of various cultures, ethnicities, and personalities, all redeemed by and for Christ, then we can’t be pressed into a cultural mold. The variety of God’s children is a result of the fact that we are changed by the work of the Holy Spirit–transformed from the inside out.

Conformation has its place (Romans 8:29), but it is conformation to the image of Jesus, not conformation to a people group or culture–even if it is a group of people who love Jesus.

The Books…

I finally got everything organized in my humble abode today.  We are working Fable tomorrow at 9:00am so I have to make this blog post short since I have to get some reading in before I go to bed.

A wee bit of organization…

Today’s most beautiful memory was walking out of the camper in the morning and seeing a full moon stuck in the morning sky.  It was a cool morning, but very calm and peaceful. 

A fun and exciting challenge for tomorrow would be to drive down to the beach with my Madre.  There is also a New Years party I was invited to, if I am feeling well (relieved from this wretched cold) I would like to go to that, too.

BoG… Breath of Gratitude… Holy cows. Life is amazing.

My noble steed awaits…

He was not a helpless babe, his mother the Virgin” went on to have other children with her husband Joseph. Jesus was circumcised eight days after His birth in that stable. Luke 2:21-24. He had to fulfill the conditions of Jewish Law, since he was their promised Messiah.

Many people say ‘why do the Jews, not believe? Some do believe, but meanwhile some Catholic’s rely on infant baptism, conformation and the traditions of the Church, and they continue on in pagan revelry. We need all to come to a personal relationship with Jesus and turn away form Sin. Acts 4:12, John 3:15-21. Romans 3:23, 6:23, 1 John 1:5-10.

We plan on decreasing her food intake, taking her out in the pasture more to exercise her, and start hot packing her to help dry up her milk (she still has a lot left!), in order to prevent possible mastitis.

Anyone else have advice on how to dry up a bitch once she’s done with nursing? 

It is interesting to know how people behave when they have to act on…anything. I mean when there is action time, most people always resort to a “specific” type of thinking and then act correspondingly.

I’d like to question as to why do people so often seem to resemble “the school of fish”. The “school of fish” means acting like fishes : they all change direction at one time, and generally 10 out of 10 will follow the group and the direction.

People can think and do by themselves!!! Yes.

Behavioral psychologists call this ‘conformation bias’. In other words, people often tend to go along with the crowd because they feel good when they see others also ‘conforming’ to their biases and thoughts.

Can we get over such a “conformation bias” that actually ‘envelopes’ our individual thinking?

Think away from the crowd. Think independently.  

I am not advocating that this always works. Nothing is certain and there is never a formula to lead life perfect. But, what I know is you gotta feel yourself. Feel your own conviction. Do your own thing.

Don’t go by the “school of fish”. Go by the school of your own thought!!!

I’d been real busy filling a huge 500-piece order for my new craft business (www.playfulpawstoys.weebly.com) and that, coupled with an extremely hot and dry summer, kept me mostly indoors and not doing many dog things. I finished the order at the end of September. Whew!

Skyler, Callen’s brother, came to spend a day with me mid-September while his people went to a birthday party in St. Louis. He’s a silly boy but he behaved himself beautifully and he and Callen enjoyed playing together.

The border collie parent club is holding their national specialty next week up in Jefferson, WI, and I have Trey entered in Advanced A course ducks for three days of herding and I also entered Callen in the conformation show on Thursday. Should be a fun time. Marise and Roux are coming up to watch for a couple of those days, so it’ll be wonderful to talk with Marise again and to see Miss Roux, as well as those friends I only see once a year at the specialty.

The specialty is always stressful for those who work to put it on. This year I vowed to not overextend myself as I usually do – to let others step up in volunteer positions to help the show run smoothly. You know, more hands – lighter load? Well, things need done and volunteers aren’t knocking down doors to help, so once again I’ll be doing more than I wanted to do. But I have to keep my stress level down since I’m now having some serious health issues and stress could literally kill me.

I have drawn a mental “line in the sand” as to what I’m willing to do. I also have a specific time that I want to be back at my motel each evening and I plan on keeping to that – come hell or high water, as my momma used to say. There are over 250 people coming to participate in this week-long event and they should all volunteer to do at least one thing while they are there. These shows don’t run by themselves and the handful of people who always are there working in the trenches can do only so much. But there will be very few hands reaching out to help and many, many grumbles (and shouts) of complaint if schedules run late or things aren’t offered or go as these people would like. The complainers always outnumber the workers. And that’s just sad.

I’ve made a decision to not enter Callen at the Champaign obedience trials in November. She’s not remotely ready. She could probably qualify but I don’t want to just qualify in Novice, I want us to be a team and I want us to go to Open and Utility. And rushing her into Novice isn’t the way to reach those goals. I miss obedience so much but will be patient in my training and expectations.

I’ve also decided to give AKC Rally a go with Beckett, but only if I’m entering an obedience trial at the same time. And not with the goal of getting a title. Beckett so loves to work with me and with her arthritic foot and clouding vision the upper levels of obedience are no longer safe for her. So AKC Rally Novice is where I can randomly enter her and not worry about her hurting herself over jumps. I’m not a fan of Rally but will use it to give my old girl more chances to play if the opportunity presents itself when Callen is ready for obedience (maybe next spring).

Hopefully, next week will bring a Q (or two or three) for Trey in herding. The advanced level is more difficult but not beyond what Trey is capable of doing. My goal is to bring home a decent, qualifying score at least one day of the three. I’ll be over the moon if we manage to get three Qs and our title, but am not counting on that. Of course, Trey did just that back in 2009 – earning all three Qs for her started B course title so it’s not out of the range of possibilities! Fingers crossed!

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Sat – Oxota RiverRun Tangmalangaloo Avalon “Boomer” (Py X Lotus) went WD for his first point! and then BOW over older competition – *and* BOB over a Special!! Beautifully handled by Joan, big thanks!!  Boomer also got a trip in the Group ring and had a great time with a total stranger – which is the best accomplishment of all

Leonore Abordo (Boomer’s breeder)

Handler: Joan Garth & Judge Karen Arends

So proud of my Boomer! He just got better & better as the days passed.

Thursday & Friday he was Reserve to his fierce competitor: River (owner/handled by Joann Jennings)

Boomer was wonderfully handled by Joan Garth in the classes and who handled her lovely DC Witsend Wistful SC (Scottish Deerhound) to a Group 4 win on Saturday! Thank you!

On Saturday he got his first conformation point and BOB over a lovely special and had his first trip to the Hound Group Ring. Thank you to Clint Livingston’s wonderful assistant: Brianne for making Boomer look wonderful in the group ring!

]]> http://urbancardi.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/fall-fundory-heads-south/ Sun, 14 Oct 2012 15:10:47 +0000 This Book is a Movie http://urbancardi.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/fall-fundory-heads-south/ Well, it appears that another year has snuck by me. Here it is, middle of October. Nursing school begins in just 3 short months, so things are about to pick up speed right around the corner. I’m going to try to relax a little, but people who know me well know how hard that is. I like to be on the move.

This has been a really exciting year for me in dogs and just in general. I’ve gotten to do a little bit of traveling, and had some nice wins. Currently, Holmes and I are working towards getting him ready for the Novice ring. He is very close to being where I need him to be. He has “happy feet” on the stand for exam, so that is becoming a daily exercise to get him extra comfy with that. Dory is working towards her Grand Championship now. She currently has 9 GCH points, 2 champions defeated and 1 major. She will be entered in Ft. Wayne for one day with Jill, and probably 3 days in Kalamazoo, which will most likely be her last show this year. Dory will be heading down to New Mexico to be bred to Penni Adrian’s Chase (Am GCh/Can Ch C-Myste Baledwr Pursuit of Happiness ROMb CD RN HSAs HIAs HXAs VCX TT). Dory comes from Raglan Cardigans (Amy Hill), so she has a strong line of herding cardigans behind her, including the first dual champion Cardigan, DC Cornerstone’s My Dear Beli HXAsd HXBs HTD III-d HRD III-s ROMb. Here is the pedigree of Dory’s future babies:  http://www.cardiped.net/testmating.php?dam=72830&sire=63205&gens=5

Dory is a Fluff free, Pink free, PRA clear, DM carrier, and her OFA hips/elbows are in process. The veternarian in Spring Harbor Animal Hospital (Thanks Teresa!!!) said her hips will most likely receive a “good” rating, and elbows look normal. She will also have her CERF done this month. I know Penni already has list in process for this litter, but inquiries are welcome to Penni or myself if you have any Dory questions.

Dory winning her 1st GCH major under judge James Maloney at the Stone City Kennel Club Dog show. The date, however, is wrong, and should be the 6th. . .

When Dory returns after her litter with Penni, she will be specialed selectively to finish her Grand Championship and then onto the fun stuff. I love Rally-O, and I’m looking forward to training with Dory. I decided to hold off on obedience for now since she could potentially be away for 4 or 5 months, and we’d be kind of starting anew. I figured this would give us some time to focus on getting as close to her GCH as possible before heading to Penni. I miss her, but I know she will be in great hands!

Another exciting thing is the addition of “Ula” to our family. I appreciate Paul Chen so very much for allowing me to have Ula come to live with us. She is so much fun to show! She has got attitude and she has amazing movement. Ula will be hitting the specials ring starting this winter. Paul began showing Ula over the summer and put 13 points on her, including 3 majors. My first weekend out with her, she finished her championship (pending AKC approval!) with her final 2 points. Good girl Ula!!! She is Ch. Afara Ultraviolet.

Ula finishing her Championship!!!

Oh yeah, and there’s that website that’s still, um, in progress. Anyone out there want to build me a website..??

I have been slow at posting in general because I was on vacation and since coming back I’ve been super busy preparing for my upcoming surgery and a kid birthday.  Things should get back to a more even posting schedule soon.

So anyway, here are some highlights from Sassy’s first show!

Wondering where the heck she is, lol

Stacking (Sassy is on the R)

Looking pretty!

Around the ring

Sister Rama showing the same day

LOTS of slobber in that ring!

Judge checking Sassy’s bite

Judge going over Sassy’s hindquarters

(starting from L) Sister Rama (handled by Nestor Rodriguez), Sassy (handled by The Mama)

Our haul for the weekend for both girls

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