mood colour: misery

beautiful purple accent lace

My stomach isn’t really good today, but I feel great because the math test was cancelled, no worry no more . But lot of misery feelings today, I just feel tired after ‘Charanesia’ activities, because I spent a lot of time at School from morning to afternoon even to evening because I’m committee. I like to work in organization, lot things to learn, it’s why I excited to join the students committee since junior high school ’till now, and also at teenager Church organization. But, I’m getting confuse, I don’t know what to say, 2 following days there’s a English Competition that be held by SMAN 2, I really excited to join it, but it’s really close to the semester test, I just confuse. First, I haven’t made any preparation to the test, and the difference is just about 3 days after competition. Second, I don’t have any preparation for the competition because my friends and I just decide to join today, it means we just have 2 days for preparation and there’re really a large number things to do. Third, I’m afraid that this competition will make my mom worry about me, because I spent really little time at home when ‘Charanesia’ be held, and in 3 following days I’m going to do it again, well, I’m afraid about her health, she has diabetes, and if she’s worrying too much her sugar blood will decrease. Fourth, I haven’t ever done any debating competition, I just do a lot of exercises about it, but one of English Competition I’ve ever done is writing contest, and thank God I could do it, but for debate, I don’t know. I just afraid >.<

fuh

I feel misery.. Why misery? I don’t know, just strange feeling and confusing things. I found out lately, that myself is really hard to be honest, or to say honest, to others even to myself. When I try to do it, just difficult words spread out, and make the others more confuse. I don’t know why, but to say things in front of hundreds people, I could do it better, but to spread out something about ‘inside’ me, it makes me feel like I’m going to kill myself and my tongue can’t  work properly. I hate my kind of self like that. But, I have to learn something, why can’t I be honest to myself? I even can’t say honest things to my friends just because I’m afraid of their reaction I’ve been predict, I know no one could predict others  perfectly, but this thought really disturb me, grauw! When I can’t do it I feel like, I’m two-faced girl. They know what kind of me, but they just hope me to not to do that, so, when I have to be honest that I’ve done it, even they’ve predicted it, they still don’t want it, so all the impact is exactly at me. Can’t I take it? Actually, I can. But, why I’m afraid to? It makes me more confuseeee….. I don’t like the feeling to be pushed.

Misery, why? You want it, but don’t want to take it. Want it, but when it is far away. Want it but don’t want tied it up. Want it but confusing own self. Want it, but afraid if I’m really into it. Want it but afraid of the risks. want it but just want to hide it. Want it but not for an instant but not instantly permanent. Want it but afraid to lose it. Want it but don’t want to let anybody knows it. But the chance just, take it or leave it? Afraid to choose. Just let me drink from every drops of forbidden feelings. Trapped :p.

Waiting for puppies, really want it. What name should I call it ? Should I called it Misery?

không hiểu là ai đã vào đây nhỉ? Những 14 views trong ngày hôm nay với keyword la` nick name của mình, ai mà quan tâm đến mình thế ko biết nhỉ? Nên để all post qua chế độ private chăng???? hỏi 1 nùi bạn chẳng đứa nào biết blog của mình cả mà, thiệt là khó hiểu >”<

Rùa: nhà em ko có net

mit’-xu`: teo hem rãnh, mắc coai phim oai`, ma` blog mai` là cái nào, ai biết !!!!

anh: con người bận rộn này liệu có thời gian mà lướt net nhảm nhí, chắc chắn ko rồi, với cái đầu làm việc liên tục như thế thì rãnh anh thik chụp hình hơn, đoán vậy thôi, khả năng này phải xem xét lại, những bài viết linh tinh sẽ để private cho an toàn

cục gạch: người này chắc chắn ko,tên này siêu lười, có time là ngủ chứ ở đó mà đọc cái gì :p

Hết rồi, vậy thì khả năng là…

A sleeping Laguanitc is slowly awaken by the following:

“Mommy, it’s time to get up………wakey wakey eggs and bakey…….it’s a sunny day outside…….mommmy, open your eyes…..time to wake up………mommy, wakey wakey……….the sun is shining……time to get up, mommy….”

I crack open an eyelid and open my arms to my cutie-pie son. We enjoy a sweet snuggle session.

“Julian, what do you want to do to day?”

“I want to go to school.”

Confusion.

I realize that the only possible explanation is that I’m on Candid Camera.

Ladies are notorious and the butt of many jokes on being hyper sensitive. Now I am really sensitive to that

Off & on I pride myself for being a “thick skinned” person; not easily offended or embarrassed by comments. I do take some effort to “train” myself in this area for sensitivity only brings misery upon oneself.

I guess being a woman, eventually now and then I do get victimized by sensitivity :) There are some good to sensitivity – it does make us more careful & thoughtful in many situations. But I still do feel perturbed whenever I start to “feel badly or deeply” about somethings that are not overt.

I am most weary of the “power of feminine deduction”. Therefore coming to conclusions based on my feminine intuition or sensitivity is highly disturbing for me. And yet it is so hard to divorce my heart from my mind.

It is a tsunami.

I am weary about this lately. I want to read the lines but not between the lines. I want to understand the signs of a situation and not the imaginary signs.

How shall I decide ? I am at war with the power of feminine sensitivity and the power of wise discernment.

Oh no… this is bad. Seems like, I’m in love with some jerk!!

The thing is, I’m in love with a guy with zero possibility of loving me back. Waw, that’s poor. But that is the thing I want!! The most!

Well, he knew me. I knew him.

We are friend. Good friend. But not a best friend.

We barely talk to each other.

He’s completely a nerd for about 2 and half year. I fell for him, but not that hard.

Now, he’s the “it” guy. He’s hot. He got everything he wanted.

He’s a playboy for like.. the rest of his life. He’s a smart playboy. As long as I knew, he’s having like about 2 or 3 gf and one of them is a senior (waw).

He’s completely a JERK. He loves to drink, he loves to crush people, he talk dirty, he’s not a gentleman. at all. Can’t you believe that?

Ugh, but the urge of having him in my arm is strong. Quite strong.

I’ve never felt this way before. It’s weird. And it’s creeping me out! Help!

And I like him. Lately I’ve been having a boring (I think) conversation on BBM. He’s kind. Now I know why everyone are friendly to him. He is damn good in social term. It’s really my opposite!! I’m nerd! Goddamnit!

So, here I am. Head over heels for him. Believe me, he’s not that handsome. You’ll mock him if you see him in person like: Hell no! He’s deadly unattractive! Shit!

Hahaha.

Today is the day. Yeah, today is my birthday and there are more than 100 people who wished me. I am not sad but I am glad that people still remember my birthday. I don’t know why but I am just not in the mood now because something happen in the company and they blamed it on me which is suppose to be other people’s fault. Sigh! But what more can I do besides fixing it and keep quiet? Hmmm. Half of my wish came true, half did not. But still I am glad that I get to celebrate it this year despite the same thing that happen to me in my last year birthday. Anyway, would like to wish my friend, Chan Chee Wei, who shares the same birth date as me, Happy Birthday. May you have many many blessings in return.

Just trying to confess my feelings.

I knew him for more than 3 years. I just have no idea how to say something interesting to him. I’m totally suck on damn politeness. I can’t even say “hi” on BBM. How sad! And I hate my self for being such a coward.

I always thought that he’s out of my league. He’s not ‘that’ perfect. He is not my ‘dream guy’ at all. He is a playboy, has no idea about how hard life is because his father is rich, his priority is friends then girlfriend and not the family man at all. He always do what he like, what he think is good for him. In short, he is deadly egoist.

And that’s what I like about him. A guy with high self-esteem. A guy with power. A guy who can torture me without giving me a space to argue back. And I love that, I love him.

Errrr, isn’t it too early for me to declare love? Yeah, I think so. But anyway, still. I like everything about him. I want him to be with me (oh, this *dirty* thought of mine). Call it crush, call it heart struck, call it lust, call it love!

Well, I don’t know what is wrong with me… this is not the usual me, this is not who am I supposed to be. But yeah, call it ‘love’ who change me into this way I am now. Damn.

Get me out of this creep!

Weekends is coming to an end. Asking myself should I be happy or sad. Sigh! Am happy because the date is near but then sad because tomorrow I need to work again. Sigh! Working is tiring. That’s all I can describe about my work. Nonetheless, I have learned a lot throughout my working process and I really learn to grow emotionally and mentally. My baby is still in the hospital. Sigh! Wonder when he will come out from the hospital. Can anyone tell me??? Am still thinking whether my wish will come true this time?? Hmmm. Of maybe is hinting some answer behind my entire wish. Hmmm.

—> all i need now is a HOLIDAY Anyone wants to tag me along???

Weekends are back. Minutes passed by very quickly now and it’s heading towards the end of the year. It’s only 4 more days from now when the click tick 12am. I wonder whether it will be different from last year. Talked to him, he doesn’t sounds happy but I don’t know what else I can do. I can feel the distance between us now and I don’t know whether you felt it or not. Maybe I am just over sensitive like you said. After all, anything that happens is always my fault. Oh ya. Today in the company, I have met this childish little kiddo guy who is way much older than me. He is just trying to catch my attention to talk to him else he will be emo the whole day. OMG! I was busy doing work that is assigned to me when suddenly he said that there is something wrong with his lappie. So I asked him what’s wrong since I couldn’t look at his screen. He murmured something in Cantonese which I don’t understand at all if you talked to me fast. Then I said that I don’t understand. Can you please talked in English? Bear in mind that my dialect is Foochow and not Cantonese. And he was so pist that he stood up and went to a manger room and complaint about me. I was like WTF! What’s wrong with you? Such a childish boy! Sigh! I told myself this fella, I couldn’t be bothered about him la. Whether you are mad, happy, emo, is none of my business. I know you are reading this so I am clearly stating this to you “EVEN I AM SINGLE AND AVAILABLE, EVEN THERE IS NO GUY OUT THERE ANYMORE, and I WILL NOT CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER AT ALL!!! AND SORRY TO TELL YOU THAT I ALREADY FOUND THE OTHER HALF OF MY LIFE!!!”. You did question me before why my beloved didn’t come and find me. The answer is simple, he is busy. Another quote for you is that, my life got nothing to do with you

Confused? sit back and relax; did you know there is a twist to confusion? well let me say there is a twist and that, is what i wanna reveal.

confusion, is the state of the mind where there is an absolute misunderstanding with an already existing notion, which to us seems right.

Have we stopped to wonder why?

Reason when we are confused we about to learn something new. sounds familiar….

I am gonna write up something on this within the next few days, so pls lets look forward to it. Feel free to post in anytime.

Things have not been very normal for a month already. I don’t know whether you realize it or not, but then things have gotten sour. No longer a morning kiss, no longer a good night kiss. Neither do you concern about me anymore. You are only busy planning things or activities with your friends but asked yourself, now, do you have time for me? Do you even care what is going on with me? I have a lot of things to share with you but then every message you send to me now is you are tired, you want to rest. Perhaps, we are only meant to be friends. And not a couple. I really wish I could share the following things with you :

• My paid is being increase to RM 1200 after talking to my boss

• My working hour is change to 9am to 6pm

• The guy who liked me, I no longer talk much to him because he spread around I am his gf

• I have been very sick and you never come and visit me

Days just pass by. Minutes just gone by. More and more things happening and I just wish you could spend some time with me. But I know that I am no longer important to you. Maybe on status, I am your girlfriend, but in your eye, I am nothing anymore. Sigh! I wonder what’s on your mind and how are you treating this relationship? If you really don’t have any feelings towards me anymore, then let’s walk our on pathway. Don’t torture me like this. And I really hope that you won’t say a break off on my birthday itself. I really really don’t wish that to happen. You can plan for other people’s birthday but what about mine? Have you ever thought of my feelings when you say you plan for your friend’s birthday and not your own girlfriend? The words you are using recently are indicating to me that I am no longer anyone to you but just a passer by.

Am very happy today. Haha. Today I got my offer letter from the company after a month of working and the stated condition really satisfy me a lot. Except one. My working hour is now being change from 10am to 9am and from 5.30pm to 6pm. Meaning to say I need to go work from 9am to 6pm. Sigh! It’s so early. I have been waking up at 8.30am and now I need to wake up earlier. Sigh! Overall, I am happy with the condition set. Haha. And now, is only six days from today. On the day itself, I am already fully booked. However, a day before, my dinner is already being booked. Guess more booking is coming after this. Haha. I just wish that this year will be a beautiful year for me because last year was really a disaster for me. Oh ya. Talking about disaster, I remember about the Disaster Relief and Rescue Operation camp which will be held next weekend. Still thinking very hard whether I should attend or not. What do you think???

I wrote this in my book one day after a long walk.  It said, This is how the hawk prays.  Instead of words I made a sign.  A cross.  It spiraled around the page.  He doesn’t kneel.  His is the prayer that asks for sky.  His is the prayer that asks for blue.  His is the prayer that wants to be fed by light and grass and a wide field.  The hawk looks forward to noon.  He wants to be the first one awake.  Tonight, I will go to find where the hawk sleeps.  I will whisper in his ear, How?  Then I’ll know his secret.  When I circle the things below will scatter, too.  And from that motion in the grass that isn’t wind I will be fed.  O, god of my god, let me confuse his shadow for mine.  Let me see how circling comes to a point, then stoops, then climbs, relieved.

Things have never been usual to me. There are things that are usual there are also things that are unusual to me. I wonder why is this happening. Life has not been great recently. Stepping into a working world which is a totally different world that I have before is just something that I still can’t adapt in. sigh! Am glad that I get to meet the queen of the house a.k.a my beloved mum even for a day because it really gives me a relief. Talked to her last night and told her each and every problem that I have. She is just my great listener. Am still wondering which pathway I should choose now. The left, the right, or just go straight.

2 Chronicles 20:1-17

We have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You. 2 Chronicles 20:12

During the years that I taught junior high students in an over-crowded school, I used to say (only slightly in jest) that my morning prayer was in 2 Chronicles 20:12 — “O our God, will You not judge them? For we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”

When Judah’s King Jehoshaphat spoke those words, it was a matter of life and death. As a coalition of armies marched against Jerusalem, the people of Judah gathered to seek God’s guidance and help (verse 13).

During threatening times of disruption and change, we need to ask, “Lord, what do You want to do with this moment?” And like King Jehoshaphat, we should begin our prayer with praise to our sovereign and powerful Father in heaven (verses 5-9).

God told the king and his people: “Do not be afraid nor dismayed . . . , for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow go down against them. . . . The Lord is with you” (verses 15-17).

In stressful, confusing situations, we might ask a worried “What now?” But if we look to the Lord and trust in His care, our fear will be replaced with peace. —david mccasland

O Lord, whenever we’re afraid, we’ll put our trust in You to lead, protect, and guide our way, and help us make it through. —sper

Faith ends where worry begins, and worry ends where faith begins.

It’s that time again. That wonderful time where I angst about people who need to really be put to sleep. (perhaps this is a harsh statement?)

Today’s rejects are brought to you from Walmart since everyone and their mother goes there.

I checked this man out who was using food stamps. For whatever reason 84 cents was left over. I explained to him that there was 84 cents left but he just kept staring at me. He wouldn’t say anything. So finally after saying something for the third time he finally speaks and says for me to take an apple off. Then he says just one and when I apparently didn’t understand this he says I only want one. So once I fully understand what is going on I ask him which apple he wants because he has four different types of apples. He says he doesn’t care so I begin the voiding process for produce which is a tad longer than normal voiding. With voiding other items you can just press the void button and scan the bar code. But produce is weighed and each situation bears a different weight. What you do is press the void key and then type in the produces number, the computer then asks “what amount?” you then have to look at the receipt slip and see how much that item rang up for, type that amount in and press enter.  It’s a bit confusing at first but once you have it down you can learn to do it pretty quickly. Apparently I wasn’t going fast enough and mid way into the voiding process he just says I’ll go to another register. I tell him he needs to wait a few minutes for me to get a manager to void the whole transaction because he has already slid his card and it won’t work if he uses it before my transaction is canceled but he just ignored me. He grabs his things (minus the apples) and goes to the cashier next to me. One of the managers comes over to cancel the transaction and I notice he forgot his apples. I grab them and take them to him and he yells at me “I SAID I ONLY WANTED ONE!!!” At this point, I walked away and turned my back to him to distance myself. My manager said to just ignore him but it had me sick for a few  hours.

This next lady was more interesting than rude. She came up with a mountain of stuff in a cart. The amount was so huge she had to get a second cart just to get things efficiently through the line and proceeds to organize everything and asks me not to start scanning until she has everything ready. Once she had everything ready she asks me to keep cold with cold, cans with cans… well.. you get the drill… then says to stuff each bag  as full as possible so she doesn’t have too many bags, but then she proceeds to tell me that she also wants everything double bagged. (makes a lot of sense huh? I want as little bags as possible BUT I want them all double bagged). After I gave her this blank stare (since all this info had yet to reach the offices in my brain) she went ahead and offered to bag everything herself. (THANK GOD!!!) It was very long and grueling.

On the same day as the mountain cart lady I came across a very interesting situation. She was very nice and I had finished checking her out and she gave me a large book’s worth of coupons. She had also gotten seven air wick fresheners and had six coupons for them. What was odd is that each of the coupons was the amount of each air wick. So in theory she was only paying for one. My computer popped up a message saying that at the end of the transaction I would need a manager to accept the transaction because of the large amount of coupons. Here is where things get really fucked up. She had gotten a bunch of lunchables and had a coupon for them… buy at least seven and you get 1.50 off. Well the computer wouldn’t accept the coupon and upon closer inspection it showed that it was an albertson’s coupon. She began arguing with me that she knew our policies and that it was a manufacturer’s coupon and that we take manufacturer’s coupons. I explained that I couldn’t do anything about it because it had to do with the computers and that I would get my manager to fix the issue. The manager came up and told her we couldn’t take it, she threw a fit saying we could and starts whining and crying “My kids need these” etc. Then she calls customer service while still in the line which is holding up the rest of the line (it was very busy that day). She argues with the customer service people and my manager suspends the transaction so I can continue with the line and also so we wouldn’t have to start over with her transaction when she was done. I sent her to another cashier who didn’t have any customers so she wouldn’t have to wait in line. This is where it gets hairy. The other cashier has to get another manager because the computer gave another “need manager” message. I was pulled off the lines to go to the manager’s office afterward and it was explained to me that the lady couldn’t purchase all those air wicks like she was trying to do. The reason is because people will take them somewhere else and then collect the money by returning them. She would have gotten 35 dollars from this. I wasn’t in trouble (I thought I was and I was trembling in my little space boots) and they congratulated me on staying calm.

This next story will make you loose your socks. I checked the lady out, bagged her things, pulled out the changed and handed it to her, and closed my register. Upon finishing the transaction the lady freaks out and starts saying things like why the hell did you give me this nickel (like I’d given it to her on purpose) and saying that no one else will accept this nickel and starts flipping off the deep end. Thus, I gave her a nickel she didn’t like. It had some black and white stuff on the face and you couldn’t see the face at all. However, you could still tell it was a nickel. At first she calmed down and said she would wait for the next customer so I can just give her a different nickel. I had no problem with this but the next customer used debit. Then she freaks out even worse and screams at me to get my manager. My manager gave her another nickel and she stormed off. For god sakes… its a fucking nickel. All our money is given to us by a bank. If the bank accepts it… everyone accepts it. Jeez….

Finally, today’s story… Now usually when someone gives me money and I open the register and then they try to give me change to get X amount of money or to trade types I won’t do it. The reason is so I don’t give them the wrong amount and/or give my draw the wrong amount. It’s the safest way not to get yourself into a bad situation. I’ve only done it a few times and it makes me uncomfortable. If it makes us uncomfortable we don’t have to do it. So this girl gives me the money, I open the register, and she proceeds to try and give me change and I explain that I have already opened the register and I am not suppose to do that. I give her the change and close the register and she starts telling me how rude I am and what a bitch I’m being and that she has worked for Walmart before and knows for a fact that we can give change back. She also proceeds to say that she’s going to turn in a complaint on me. Her companion gives me her things and tries to tell her to stop and I politely turned to her and said “It’s ok maam… she can say whatever she wants about me.” I smiled, finished the transaction and told both of them that I hope they have a wonderful evening.

So there you have it…. three weeks worth of crazy for your enjoyment. I’d like to hear some of your stories or even just your comments on the ones I have here. I appreciate those who read my blog on a constant basis so if you like the “People who piss me off” posts… please let me know.

Werewolfchibichan

annyong everyone! mianhae kalo yayas amat sangat jarang nge-post. soalnya yayas lagi sibuk. *alesan!*

hari ini yayas bingung kawan-kawan. tanggal 24 Oktotober besok yayas akan menghadapi olimpiade matematika! belom lagi tanggal 22 November nanti, yayas mau ikut Korean Japanese Speech! padahal yayas belom lancar baca romaji dengan pelafalan yang benar, apalagi kalo suruh baca huruf-huruf hangeul hiragana, katakana sama kanji? bisa pingsan di tempat! *gajeh mode : on* udah gitu, yayas belom bikin speech-nya lagi! *gubrak!*

sampe sini dulu ya post yayas. mau ngerjain pe-er kimia yang amat susah dulu.

bye-bye

On family road trips chaos always ensued.  Do you remember the “I’m not touching you” game? Let me refresh your memory, without actually making physical contact, one sibling makes a poking motion as close to another sibling as possible. If you’re on the receiving end, this game is annoying. This game is the live version of Facebook ‘poking’.

Facebook ‘poking’ is a strange phenomenon. The biggest issue with poking is that different people perceive it to mean different things, including but not limited to: joking, flirting or just saying hello. Personally, I would prefer for one to just make an actual joke, actually flirt (preferably in person) or actually say hello. This would avoid the drama of debating if I am going to ‘poke back’ or ‘remove’ the poke.

Also, if someone has a restraining order against you, I wouldn’t poke that person. Need a reason? Read this article.

Teresa Tiong Ing Yien feels like shouting :

“Don’t love me for fun, let me be THE ONE and love me for a reason…I can’t continue guessing because it’s only messing with my pride, and my mind!!! “

Would I be able to go through the days,

The days without you in my life,

It would never be the same anymore.

Imagine my life without you,

I wonder how I am going through,

As the days wouldn’t be the same anymore.

The heart aches, the heart is longing,

Longing for your return to be by my side,

But I know I won’t be able to turn the time back anymore.

How I wish all this didn’t happen,

A fact where I couldn’t accept it at all,

But what more can I do?

Besides accepting the fact and face the reality.

I would never forget the days we have go through together,

The laugh, the tears, the happiness and many more,

It will be buried deep down in my heart,

Till someday you return to be by my side.

I am really longing for your return,

To be as happy as what we use to be,

And to go through everything together,

Till we step our foot into the heaven together.

I wonder how you are facing the days,

The days without me by your side,

Would you be in the same pain as I do,

Longing for me to be by your side again.

I prayed that I could turn the time back,

To the days where we have laughter all day long,

I prayed that arguments doesn’t happen,

But what’s life without ups and down.

But I realize that things could be solved,

As long as we talked to each other,

But life is never fair to everyone,

Like how it happened to me.

If I am being given a second chance,

I promise I will never let your hand go anymore,

And to built our dreams together,

Until we reach the heaven door.

My life will never be colorful anymore,

Without your light and sense in my life,

So, imagine my life without you,

I will be suffering throughout the days.

p/s : something just came into my mind that I wrote this poem

This video is very well put-together, it illustrates the rules, that should never be violated, within Facebook ‘Relationships’.

I had no idea that typewriters and 50’s box cameras were so high tech. Good job Big Fuel!