In einer Woche wollen wir uns wieder treffen. Ich bin noch dabei einen Babysitterplan auszuklügeln, denn meinen Eltern möchte ich (noch) nicht erzählen, dass ich mich mit einem Mann treffe. Da die Kinder an dem Wochenende sowieso von Sa auf So bei ihnen übernachten sollen, werd ich das einfach dran hängen. So zur Übung quasi und damit die Kinder sich gleich dran gewöhnen. Und ich sag, dass ich zu meinem (schwulen) Kumpel gehe und wenn was wäre – und da is nie was – sie mich auf dem Handy anrufen können.
Dann wollen wir zusammen DVD schauen. Und er will vielleicht was kochen. Ein Mann will was für mich kochen! Herrlich!
Im Moment ist er aber unterwegs. Seit Donnerstag klappert er geschäftliche Termine ab. Stellt sich und seine Firma bei potentiellen auftraggebern vor. Und er gab zu, dass er sehr aufgewühlt deshalb sei. Verständlich, aber ich weiß, dass er das schafft. Denn er ist unglaublich intelligent, schlagfertig und selbstbewusst. Das hab ich ihm auch so geschrieben.
Übers Wochenende kommt er dann bei (weiblichen) Freunden unter und hat noch Termine bis Dienstag. Ich weiß also, er ist schwer beschäftigt und trotzdem hoffe ich, er hinterlässt eine Nachricht für mich. Was er natürlich nicht tut.
Warum ist das so unerträglich. Schön der Gedanke, dass vielleicht jemand anderes an mich denkt, aber unerträglich, weil man sich dessen nicht wirklich sicher ist.

The idea that a duck must have evolved from a crocodile by first developing the body of a duck is wrong on so many levels that I don’t think I should need to go through them all. But what really boggles my mind is that Kirk Cameron claims to have been an atheist who accepted evolution prior to becoming a Christian, yet he seems to have no concept at all of what evolution actually is. Cameron either never understood evolution in the first place or just lies about it now because it easier to attack a straw man than it is argue against real scientific facts.

Evolution doesn’t predict that we should find a duck/crocodile hybrid, but it is rather funny that we have recently found fossils of an extinct crocodile that just happens to be kind of duck-like. Steven Novella blogged about it here. Scientists decided to call it a DuckCroc, but I think that was a mistake. Imagine the PR they would have got if they announced that, much to the dismay of Kirk Cameron, they had discovered the elusive Crocoduck.

There is no doubt, in a Catholic belief system homosexuality is intrinsically “wrong.” However, there is a direct lack of evidence why. It is almost as though if questioned, a believer would merely say (in a more eloquent manner) “because God said so.” If as human beings we were to believe and worship everything with more power than ourselves then where would I society be headed? Would there be any scientific development? Would there be any progression of humanity?This other terribly discriminatory ideology that homosexual relationships have the capacity to devalue or in effect hinder a heterosexual relationship is completely illogical. How can a relationship that you have no knowledge of, destroy your relationship? In regards to homosexual marriage, American comedian Wanda Sykes puts it into a humorous colloquialism, “If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same-sex.” Marriage is another topic that is too lengthy to delve into right now, however, people argue that the sanctity of marriage must be protected at all costs. However, marriage existed before religion, before Christianity, before Islam, before Judaism. In fact many of modern church practices (the use of candles, incense, etc.) were derived from the more ritualistic services of paganism. The Church’s view on homosexuality is clear and concise. Clarity is usually beneficial in most situations. But the passion at which the Church argues that these acts of homosexuality are “wrong” has a direct relationship to the amount of discrimination that exists in the wider society. One might even go so far as to argue that it could be the one of the underlying factors in the higher rate of suicide in gay teens. It an absolutely appalling statistic that approximately 30% of GLBT youths will attempt suicide. The Church is also used as a justification for violent and discriminatory acts. Matthew Shepherd’s death is a tragic example of the extent to which fear and text can motivate someone. Imagine if it were you, tied to a fence post, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die. Why? Merely because of the colour of your skin, the type of men you found attractive, your religion, your political beliefs, the way in which you desired to express your sexuality and who you were as a person.

This cycle of discrimination has to be stagnated. If not for the safety of the GLBT community, but so that we can function and develop as a species. The Church had made its stance loud and clear, but there must be logical and rational Christians and Catholics that see the flaw and larger consequences that this stance creates, not only for homosexuals, but for the wider human society.“Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.” -Wrong. Homosexuality is not a choice of lifestyle, but more of a part of a person perceives himself or herself to be. Modern psychology states that homosexuality is at least 30-70% genetic, therefore it can’t simply be argued that a man or woman wakes up one morning and decides that from this point in their lives that they will be homosexual. This is not to be confused with a period of discovery that many homosexuals undertake, but as Erikson defined in his stages of psychological development that all teens undergo this stage when they are attempting to find themselves and who they are as a person. The detrimental influence of society also creates this fear amongst many of today’s youth that instills into them a fear of being themselves. Not only around their peers, but also with family and even by themselves. Hiding from one self may also lead to many psychological problems in latter life.

One of my intellectual and quizzically inclined readers pointed out some interesting biblical quotes regarding the church’s stance on homosexuality.

Let us begin:
Genesis 19:5-8-”Calling to Lot they said, ‘Where are the men who came to you tonight? Send them out to us so that we may abuse them.’
Lot came out to them at the door, and having closed the door behind him said, ‘I beg you, brothers, do no such wicked thing. Listen, I have two daughters who are virgins. I am ready to send them out to you, to treat as it pleases you. But as for the men, do nothing to them, for they have come under the shadow of my roof.’”

To place this in context the quote was articulated to be within the town of Sodom, and the two “men”? Well they were said to be angels of God. The ideologies contained within in the quote are not direct and clear. To begin the quote itself does not exclusively denote the act of homosexuality. But also in addition to this it does not even state that the abuse of the two angels was intended to be sexual. Regardless of the implications, even if this was intended to be sexual abuse, then would this simply mean that “Yahweh” as described in Genesis was condemning Rape, Sexual Abuse and Nonconsentual Sex? Rather than jumping to the discriminatory conclusion of homosexuality? Angels were beings completely void of sexual sin; meaning that even if women intended the same actions it could be stated that this would be “wicked” in the context as well.

The simple fact of the matter is, that Sodom was not an exclusively homosexually inclined town, but a cacophony of sinning did occur. Rape, murder, incest, bestiality were all the norms of this province, meaning that one cannot simply jump to the simplest conclusion to merely justify their own beliefs.

Ich drehe noch durch. einerseits rede ich mir ein, dass da nichts ist, aber dann kribbelts ganz furchtbar, wenn ich nur an ihn denke!
als ich ihn am Dienstag sah, als er mir die Wohnungstür aufmachte, da war ich nicht gerade geplättet. Irgendwie hoffte ich auf irgendein eindeutiges Gefühl, wenn ich ihn sehe, das mir zeigt, dass ich doch mehr für ihn empfinde. aber ich weiß auch, dass das quatsch ist. Wie sollte ich mehr für ihn empfinden, wenn unser Techtelmechtel neun Jahre her ist und das Klassentreffen vor einem Jahr war auch eher unspektakulär. Wir haben kaum ein Wort miteinander gewechselt. Erst danach hat er mir eine Email geschickt und mir geschrieben, dass er es schön fand mich wiederzusehen.
Ich war verheiratet, habe zwei Kinder und war somit wirklich fest gebunden. Trotzdem hatte ich ein unbeschreiblich gutes Gefühl, als er mich anschrieb und wir ein paar nette Worte wechselten. Per email. Zum Glück trafen wir uns nicht alleine irgendwo.
Nun bin ich seit über 6 Monaten getrennt und alleinerziehend. also relativ ungebunden eben. Über ein Onlineportal nahm er Kontakt auf, als ich meine Beziehungsstatus in “single” änderte. Wir chatteten und schließlich fragte er vorsichtig, ob wir uns denn Treffen sollen.
Und da war es wieder dieses Kribbeln. Ich sagte zu. Zum Glück war hier keine Webcam im Spiel. Wäre mir doch zu peinlich. Denn obwohl ich mich eindeutig besser gehalten habe in den ganzen Jahren, so fühle ich mich doch im Nachteil. Er ist zwar kein Hinkucker, aber er hat Charme, ist intelligent, hat einen messerscharfen Humor und liegt so genau auf meiner Wellenlänge. Er ist aber auch ehrgeizig und gerade mittendrin seine eigene kleine Firma aufzubauen – und das auch recht erfolgreich. Er ist verheiratet mit seiner arbeit und für eine Beziehung ist da sowieso kein Platz.
aber möchte ich das überhaupt? Eine Beziehung? Jetzt schon?
Ich wünschte mir, ich könnte mich einfach so verlieben, dass mich jemand im Sturm erobert und zwar so, dass ich gar keine Gelegenheit habe darüber nachzudenken, ob das auch alles wirklich so gut ist für mich (und meine Kinder). aber ich merke jetzt schon, dass ist gar nicht so einfach. Sofort habe ich ein schlechtes Gewissen meinen Kindern gegenüber. Wie soll ich meinen Kindern den neuen Partner an meiner Seite vorstellen. Und wenns dann doch nicht klappt mit der Beziehung. Kann ich eine ablehnung nochmals verkraften? Wie soll ich da noch für die Kinder stark sein?
Das alles verunsichert mich sehr. Und das obwohl ja noch nichts passiert ist.
Wir haben uns bisher einmal getroffen. Letzten Dienstag. Es war schön, lustig, entspannt und wird wiederholt. Er hat mich zu sich zum DVD-abend eingeladen. Er wohnt ja hier neben an (auch das noch). Ich freue mich sehr drauf. Ich wünschte nur, ich wüsste ob auch er an mich denkt oder ob ich mir das alles nur einbilde. Mein Selbstbewusstsein ist ja auch nicht gerade das beste.
Ich mache mir einfach zu viele Gedanken. Ich muss es einfach abwarten. Die Zeit wird es zeigen…

One of my intellectual and quizzically inclined readers pointed out some interesting biblical quotes regarding the church’s stance on homosexuality.

Let us begin:
Genesis 19:5-8-”Calling to Lot they said, ‘Where are the men who came to you tonight? Send them out to us so that we may abuse them.’
Lot came out to them at the door, and having closed the door behind him said, ‘I beg you, brothers, do no such wicked thing. Listen, I have two daughters who are virgins. I am ready to send them out to you, to treat as it pleases you. But as for the men, do nothing to them, for they have come under the shadow of my roof.’”

To place this in context the quote was articulated to be within the town of Sodom, and the two “men”? Well they were said to be angels of God. The ideologies contained within in the quote are not direct and clear. To begin the quote itself does not exclusively denote the act of homosexuality. But also in addition to this it does not even state that the abuse of the two angels was intended to be sexual. Regardless of the implications, even if this was intended to be sexual abuse, then would this simply mean that “Yahweh” as described in Genesis was condemning Rape, Sexual Abuse and Nonconsentual Sex? Rather than jumping to the discriminatory conclusion of homosexuality? Angels were beings completely void of sexual sin; meaning that even if women intended the same actions it could be stated that this would be “wicked” in the context as well.

The simple fact of the matter is, that Sodom was not an exclusively homosexually inclined town, but a cacophony of sinning did occur. Rape, murder, incest, bestiality were all the norms of this province, meaning that one cannot simply jump to the simplest conclusion to merely justify their own beliefs.

There is no doubt, in a Catholic belief system homosexuality is intrinsically “wrong.” However, there is a direct lack of evidence why. It is almost as though if questioned, a believer would merely say (in a more eloquent manner) “because God said so.” If as human beings we were to believe and worship everything with more power than ourselves then where would I society be headed? Would there be any scientific development? Would there be any progression of humanity?This other terribly discriminatory ideology that homosexual relationships have the capacity to devalue or in effect hinder a heterosexual relationship is completely illogical. How can a relationship that you have no knowledge of, destroy your relationship? In regards to homosexual marriage, American comedian Wanda Sykes puts it into a humorous colloquialism, “If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same-sex.” Marriage is another topic that is too lengthy to delve into right now, however, people argue that the sanctity of marriage must be protected at all costs. However, marriage existed before religion, before Christianity, before Islam, before Judaism. In fact many of modern church practices (the use of candles, incense, etc.) were derived from the more ritualistic services of paganism. The Church’s view on homosexuality is clear and concise. Clarity is usually beneficial in most situations. But the passion at which the Church argues that these acts of homosexuality are “wrong” has a direct relationship to the amount of discrimination that exists in the wider society. One might even go so far as to argue that it could be the one of the underlying factors in the higher rate of suicide in gay teens. It an absolutely appalling statistic that approximately 30% of GLBT youths will attempt suicide. The Church is also used as a justification for violent and discriminatory acts. Matthew Shepherd’s death is a tragic example of the extent to which fear and text can motivate someone. Imagine if it were you, tied to a fence post, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die. Why? Merely because of the colour of your skin, the type of men you found attractive, your religion, your political beliefs, the way in which you desired to express your sexuality and who you were as a person.

This cycle of discrimination has to be stagnated. If not for the safety of the GLBT community, but so that we can function and develop as a species. The Church had made its stance loud and clear, but there must be logical and rational Christians and Catholics that see the flaw and larger consequences that this stance creates, not only for homosexuals, but for the wider human society.“Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.” -Wrong. Homosexuality is not a choice of lifestyle, but more of a part of a person perceives himself or herself to be. Modern psychology states that homosexuality is at least 30-70% genetic, therefore it can’t simply be argued that a man or woman wakes up one morning and decides that from this point in their lives that they will be homosexual. This is not to be confused with a period of discovery that many homosexuals undertake, but as Erikson defined in his stages of psychological development that all teens undergo this stage when they are attempting to find themselves and who they are as a person. The detrimental influence of society also creates this fear amongst many of today’s youth that instills into them a fear of being themselves. Not only around their peers, but also with family and even by themselves. Hiding from one self may also lead to many psychological problems in latter life. 

I was recently interviewed by an Magazine:

What have you done since graduating?
I have obtained my own studio and contributed to a variety of publications including a-n Magazine and Dazed and Confused.

Have you stayed in the same city of the university/college at which you studied?
I thought it essential I remain in London after graduating. I had developed a variety of strong working relationships during my MA and on the whole my peer group remained in this area. London is the second highest exporter of visual arts and essentially I have more access to a greater variety of different work here.
Furthermore the studio complex I currently reside is relatively cheap and run by artists who understand the challenges recent graduates face.

Who is the most unlikely person to have influenced you since graduating?
I worked as a temp at a museum for a short while. I met many people with different backgrounds to my own, not necessarily visual arts based. Working with archaeologists in particular gave me a wider perspective and influenced many of the issues I currently write about (in particular creolisation and the bonds between time and space).

What is the most rewarding thing that you have done since (that is relevant to students now, but not necessarily arts related)?
After my contribution to the April edition of a-n Magazine I was offered my first solo exhibition at the Red Gate Gallery, London. This kind of clarified the intertwining nature of being an artist for me: that we have to almost operate as an entrepreneur, operating within different fields to become successful.

What is the worse job you have done since graduating, and what is the best thing that you took from it?
I worked in a museum warehouse stacking books. It was such a mundane and repetitive environment but it just made me more driven to succeed. The worst moment came when I was told off for reading a book. I found it incredible that an institute supposedly designed to nurture knowledge could be so oppressive. The worst thing was I was reading a chapter on the burning of the Jaffna University Library by the Sinhalese United National Party at the time…! Nevertheless, it made me very aware of the levels of control major organisations, particularly in London, have on how we understand the visual arts.

When you were studying, what advice/support did you feel was missing and can you provide this information to students that are completing their Degrees now?
I do not believe enough emphasis is placed on art as a business. This leaves graduates unprepared for post-education and unaware of the level of financial know-how they need to have a sustainable practice. I believe 50% of art education should be dedicated to teaching students how to be self-employed. For every Alain Badiou text students read they should be studying Charles Leadbeater and NESTA’s Attacking the Recession.

Is there any advice/support that you did gain whilst studying that you would pass on to the people studying arts based degrees now?
Prepare thoroughly: If you do not spend time finding out about whom you will be working with, whether a certain gallery exhibits your type of work, what percentage cut a gallery takes in any work sold, who is responsible for insurance etc. you will be in trouble.

What other information or advice can you provide that is relevant to your profession now that you would consider as particularly relevant to students?
Know your strengths and weaknesses. If an open submission is asking for ceramic artists and you are a painter do not waste yours and their time by applying. Be specific about what you want to achieve.

Now what’s next.  I should write about my new path.  But not yet.  I want to write about something else.  I want to go more in depth of how much I lived in a fantasy.  I’m not sure you understand the gravity of me living in a fantasy world.

I remember when ever I had any free time or had time to just day dream my thoughts would go straight to fantasizing.  It was my hobby.  I could write books and books about what I day dreamed.  In years how much have I fantasized in my life?  I would have to say about five years of my life.  That’s if you put every minute that I day dream side by side.  I would have spent probably more than five years.  But I’m giving you an assumption of how much I would day dream.

I remember during recess time I didn’t play with the kids I would go off on my own and day dream.  I would even draw obscene drawings about a man and a women having sex.  But with my barbie dolls I would have two barbies having sex with one another.  The fantasies ran deep within.

I would fall asleep fantasizing and wake up and add to the imagination.  It was if I was living in a never ending day dream and my world was what I had to put up with.  I lived in an constant bubble.  Not letting reality hit me and not allowing myself to get hurt.  It was glass menagerie.  My illusion that I was living some what of a reality but stayed in my dreams when anything wrong was going on.  Never taking responsibility because I didn’t have to.  Especially since I had an older sister and two younger that took up my parents time.  I just slipped through the cracks and made it by as well as I could.  I remember when I was bored in church I would fantasize there too.  I didn’t know any better.  It was my reality.

I sometimes wonder if I were to go mad would I slip into one of my fantasies and believe it to be reality?  If I would forget my family and think that all the celebrities that I have made love to were my loved ones.  How much of me was lost in those daydreams?  How much of me was lost to the imagination?

I now live in the real world but I still day dream.  I still regress into myself right before falling asleep.  It helps keep the monsters at bay.  What monsters?  This is were I try to combine my Christianity.

When I was younger I would feel like there was some kind of presence in my room.  I never knew if it was safe or if it was some presence that shouldn’t be around.  I have always had some kind of spiritual experience.  A year hasn’t gone by in my life when I have had some kind of abnormal experience more like supernatural experience happen to me.  Now please understand that I believe that I have been redeemed with the blood of Jesus Christ and I have spoken in tongues.

Well that was then.  I don’t know about now…

Anyway I have been baptized, I have danced in the spirit, I had a demon casted out of me, and I have spoken in tongues.  I have also given someone a tiny prophesy.  I know you might think she is crazy.  That there is no way that these things could happen to someone but please believe that I am not crazy and I have had these things happen to me.  They are real.  If you do not believe that their are demons, angels, or that you have been redeemed by the son of God then stop reading altogether.  Stop reading because you might not understand or care for the rest of this post.

There are things I cannot not explain that have happened.  That I wish I could scientifically explain and give proof but alas I have none of it.  All of my life I’ve had people say “If you just let go He can do great things in your life!”  If I could go back to them and say “I have let go not in the way you might have wanted it but what now?  What happens to this lost child of His?  I am even lost?  Or was this the plan all along?”  I know that Jesus loves us no matter what.  But I have had a huge fight with myself wondering if He does love the ones that have decided to become homosexual.  Sure sex can be perverted, if you pervert it.  But what if two women or two men have sex in love.  Two people of the same sex love each other and are faithful, have been with each other for years with no other partner… Does not God consider a partnership between two straight people that have had sex with only one another to be husband and wife?  So would they not be a married couple?

For Christians I’m sorry if this may seem blasphemous but do not preach to me what the doctrine says.  Come to me with an open heart and try to explain to me what you think… Not what you know or what it says in black and white.  Come to me with open arms and minds and answer me that.  Answer me what does God do with those who are born one way but in their heart they know its not.  But yet myself who has ran and ran from being a lesbian has had all these spiritual experiences.  Experiences where I should have been frightened but I have ran into God’s arms and have been covered.

I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know where else to go with this.  This has been one heavy post but it was needed to be said.  I will elaborate more on another one.  But for now I will leave you with that.  Take it in.  If its too much, than I’m sorry but this is me.  I will not apologize for it anymore.  Take it or leave it…

XOXO

~RoMa

My health aide was supposed to come today.  She switched from Thanksgiving to today. I even called the office this morning to double check. They said she would be here at 1:30. Nope. I just woke up and could smell the garbage in the can. Zeke and I marched it out to the garage in the rain. I’ve been choking ever since. My lungs are still full of crud. I wonder if my aide is OK? Now I am worried about her. She is not like the first one I had. This one ALWAYS shows up on the right day and time. I’m thinking it was her office that gave me bad info.

I slept like a log for 2 hours. When I woke up I did not know what day or time it was. Then I heard what woke me up. Doug’s son must be upstairs He sounds like a baby elephant running from place to place. I actually LOVE hearing him up there. I miss my baby.

Next thing I know, Marge is knocking on the door. She gave me ziti in meat sauce. As we were talking, Zeke zoomed out the door and down to the office. Earlier the manager and Luc had given him 3 cheese sticks. He went right to Laura’s desk for an encore. Too smart for his own good! AND…what a spoiled brat!

Instead of looking better after my nap, my leg is now neon pink. Grrrrrrrrrr….I think it’s infected again. I have been having massive chills ever since my trip to the hospital this morning. Marge was appropriately grossed out.

My only piece of mail today is a letter from the state saying I have already reached my limit of 12 for doctor visits. It says my benefit year began in August and ends in July. The letter tells me to go to the ER for further medical care. Reminds me of the $440 taxi ride to the doc. The system is NUTS!!!!!!

While in the hospital today, Zeke was an absolute perfect example of a well-trained service dog. He got a zillion compliments. If they only knew what he acted like at home!

Now I am worried about Luc. His blood pressure is 210 over some other way too high number. He went to the drug store to check it because his wife and the maintenance man made him. Luc’s eyes are getting bloody in the white part. It looks creepy and is probably a very bad thing.  Their car was still gone when I went out. UPDATE: They just came to visit. Luc’s BP was down to 110 when he went to the  doc and she told him it was nothing to  worry about! He looks like somebody beat him…nice black eye to go with the red white part. Eeeeewwwww! The good part? Beth and Luc brought me treats from town

Aleka was being a clown when I was in the living room. She lies on the floor and uses her claws in the couch to propel herself the length of the couch, turns like an Olympic swimmer and pulls herself down the other way.

Mmmmmm…just got a new batch of Cortland apples. I eat the apple, Zeke eats the cores….

Ohhhhhh…..I almost forgot! I passed the place where I will be getting my IVIg infusion and stopped in to ask how long it will take. They have me down for 3 hours! Good thing I asked!!!!! It needs to go in slower or I get very, very sick. The bummer is my date to have it done is now a couple of days later. At least I’m getting it!

This year I have so much to be thankful for.
My daughter came home from school this week with a turkey stuffed with things she is thankful for.
My son brought home a Thanksgiving necklace and turkey hat.  He is gobbling all over the house.
My friends have been beyond supportive and wonderful to me – continually listening and offering advice. I know for certain that I couldn’t have made it this far without them.
Work has also been great again this year! My “clients” are wonderful and they make me laugh every day.  I can get through the rest knowing that they make me laugh and work hard.

But there is one lingering question on my mind this week:
What to do this week during the Thanksgiving holiday?

This, is only what I imagine, divorced or separated couples feel like when dates and times are discussed about what to do with the kids…what will happen for the holidays or birthdays…who gets what time and for how long.
I have absolutely no idea what to do with DB.  Do I take him to my Aunt’s house?  How do I act if I do? Is it worth my sanity?  How much do I take-on for my kids?

Then, there’s DB’s family.   Is it really worth going to see his family and sitting there and dealing with his father’s cruel looks and biting comments while his mom tries to make everything ok?  How much will I, DB, or the kids be able to handle?

Overwhelmingly, I don’t want to give up my time or my kids time. I really would like to have family be the focus of this Thanksgiving. But, I know that this is impossible for DB.  He’s not thinking about me or us.  He really is only thinking of himself.

Despite all of the negativity in my life –being thankful for what I have means that I need to focus on myself and my kids.  Eventually, maybe, there will be more to be thankful for…but for now, I will focus on what I have.

It’s been a while since I updated.
And I’m actually in no mood to blog right now. but I’ll do this anyway. You’re going to be reading a lot of random things, mind you. Here goes:

iGFX is starting to kill me. No. It’s not like everyone is getting on my nerve. It’s just that Chris has been getting harder to deal with. I for one am not going to allow for any emotion to get in the way of me doing my job right. FUCK EMOTION.

I aced the mid-term quiz in the College Success Seminar. 100 points on 100. The last time I scored that much was in 1st grade. No wait. The last time I scored anything above 90 was in 7th grade. Yeah……..this feels good.

I’m really enjoying college a lot. Never had I thought that I’d end up joining this place or even doing a CG course. God works in wonderous ways. I should thank him more.

I should stop getting so paranoid about getting ad-dam on my undies when it’s time. I really should.

I have to find a way to watch more football. I don’t like missing all those crucial matches.

I need to finish all my pending work. I must not procrastinate.

I must stop being so nice to Daniel. He is a nice guy. But he can’t help hugging girls and being annoying at all. Either I start treating him like shit right now, or I explain to him how the people in the Mid-East function first. Yes. I think I’ll go with the latter.

I don’t want to get close to anyone at college. I have my friends online. I’m closer to them. I’m not comfortable with these other people. I don’t know why.

My dad won’t let me go out with Beautta to the mall. It’s just stupid. He thinks it isn’t safe. And that’s really just wrong. I never asked him if I could go out with friends before. Meaning I never actually socialized like that at all. Now that I’m finally trying to, he doesn’t encourage me. And he wants me to be streetsmart? way to go dad.

Eid is coming. I need to hide the cameras.

Mum forcibly put me for classes at a more posh centre for learning Quraan. Well, not Quraan actually. It’s just Tajweed [grammer]. Atleast I don’t have to deal with racist Baluchis.

I really need to talk to Jon more. Especially about how to fix iGFX. FAST.

I need to stop chatting so much though. My wrist and fingers are killing me.

Winter is coming and I’m getting wrapped up already. I can’t do much without my fingerless gloves anymore. I love how cool they look.

I need to take more Vitamin C and try to sleep better. Fuck my problems. I need my immune system in perfect order again.

I’m not okay.

Because it was ingrained into my mind, heart and soul to not be gay, I was terrified of what would happen to me when and if it happened.  I spent many years trying to push it away, but would find myself finding outlets for my sex drive.  I was yearning for some kind of lovin’ no matter how it came.

At an early age I started to cyber.  I would go online and I would find chat rooms and would video with men.  I would create a fantasy for them and would give them what they want.  You would ask then how a young girl would know so much of what happens during a sexual act… Well the first time I watched pornography was when I was 10 or 11. I can’t truly remember the age.  I remember how it was imprinted to the back of my mind forever.  It was two women having sex with each other.

Once again people will say “Nope that’s why she likes women!” and once again I would have to have you look down and see that there is no ground below you and you would fall off the cliff!

This first image of pornography was very VERY disturbing to me.  I didn’t understand why two women were having sex with each other.  Also two women that were sisters.  It wasn’t possible in my mind.  First men and women only have sex and second why would two people that are related have sex with one another?  I couldn’t understand it!  But that was my first taste.  Then I started to search out pornography online.  Anywhere I would find it I would eat it up!

I would search it out more and more each day!  This is how I was able to give a person great fantasy of what they wanted, of what they needed for the time being.  I loved being able to get men so aroused!  It was fun to me and I would get a good time out of it.  Now the whole time this would happen my parents never said a thing to me about what was wrong or right when it came to sex.  My parents also didn’t stop what my sisters and I looked up or watched online.  Since they didn’t understand the English language well nothing made sense to them.  So I was able to get online late at night and do whatever I wanted without having anyone bother me.

I had such a high imagination.  Even after I would get off-line I would still imagine of having sex with a person.  I remember before falling asleep I would fantasize about being with people and having sex with them.  Now to make it alright with having sex with women in my fantasies I would become a man in them.  That’s how I would make my illusions ok.  I believed it was still ok to do so because I wasn’t falling into sin if I was a man having sex with women.

I enjoyed my fantasies.  I loved creating these stories when I was loved.  I loved being loved.  It felt so nice to have these women love me.  But on the exterior I pretended to like boys.  I even pretended to like a boy in my church when I was younger, only because all the other girls liked him too.  But to this day I can’t remember having any kind of butterflies in my stomach like I had for women.

Well lovies that’s one more for the books!  Come back again and I will give you some more!

XOXO

~RoMa

My writing has become so much less of what it was supposed to be and so much more… journaling? venting? ranting? I don’t know if I should be relieved or embarassed! How can I call myself a writer when all I can bother with is sharing all my personal dating woes and frustrations. I read “good” blogs and people discuss, well, in these cases, food (because what I’ve failed to express in my own blog is my own deep affinity for food), to the utmost! They add in those typical personal tales and little characteristic tidbits to give it spunk and quirk and they include tons of photos. My blog is just a glorified and more grown up version (if I can even say that) of my old live journal!

I had goals to get back to Italy and to WRITE! – to write my personal tale in a book or to submit personal essays for magazines – do something that is worth discussing and write something that is worth reading… not this pathetic self-pitying, male-loathing and perpetually confused exercise of kiss-and-telling… and I say all this because all I could manage to think of to write about tonight is about a boy… A-. My new carrot on a fishing pole.

I thought about going to grad school. In fact, I bought myself a practice GRE to play around with… you know, to see if I had what it takes. I wanted to relocate and start a new life, gain new adventures, just as I’d done in Italy. However… I got carried away and distracted by a temporary glow in my re-association with LA. The problem is, I didn’t realize it was temporary and I made decisions that might keep me here longer than my initial plans would have… I got a car (leased it, a 3 year commitment!!). It was an exciting moment, signing a lease in MY name and making that first payment out of MY bank account (okay, maybe that part wasn’t too exciting). I needed that car to support my heavy work schedule and then suddenly, I was needing that heavy work schedule to pay for everything else BUT a return to Florence. It looks like I may not go back to Florence as soon as I’d like, and it looks like it won’t be as permanent as I’d like… after some deep and long thinking, I realized, a long visit may just be the only thing that is plausible in my near future. Then I was going out and dating… distracted again. I’m like a puppy, picked up a scent trail and tracking it down, gonna get there, gonna reach the…. ohhh, a butterfly… hmm, I’m hungry… I wonder if I could eat this.

I feel like calling myself a Writer required a certain sense of pride — I was in no way an actual writer when I began claiming the title, just drunk with a new sense of self-authority – which I think is some sort of an offshoot of pride. Even so, the moment my plane departed the Peretola airport in Firenze, I realized I forgot to check the suitcase that carried that self-worth and I touched down in Los Angeles as that same, unsure girl that I was pre-Italy. K- Confused was my nickname in Florence, it was a running joke between N- and M-B- and myself… only because I told stories of the confused life I’ve always lived, but it seems that it’s only HERE that I really embody that name.

I just don’t get why it takes so much pride and self-respect to date too. If one is willing to give themselves to someone else, then shouldn’t we be free of so much egoism? Is this where I go wrong? Why is it so terrible of me to wait by my damn phone for a response text after having had such a GREAT connection, on SO MANY levels, with someone. I KNOW he felt it, I could see it in his little skip that he did when he saw me waiting for him after work, or the smile that spreads on his face when we lock eyes. Why these games? Why his pride? What about mine? What about the pride I’ve left behind and the tiny traces of it that survive, barely swimming in the tiny fishbowl I keep it in? Why not just flush it down the toilet and give it a shot?

Maybe I just prefer the familiarity of discomfort. The raw beauty in shame. What about the vulnerability in embarrassment? Or the tingle from guilt? Or the clarity from a blush?

So what if I wanted to have 4 hours of incredible sex on two separate occasions. Why does that have to be it? Why is it a lack of my own pride and an abundance of his? I can’t stand all of this unwritten bullshit. Once upon a time, men and women courted when mutual affection was expressed (sometimes, even when it was a one way street!) and if things progressed smoothly, the professed their love for each other and married. Simple as this perspective may be, I believe a version of it can still exist somewhere under the pages of ridiculous rules that I (personally) believe the men of this world created to “excuse” themselves from their behavior. No, it shouldn’t be okay that I sat on the phone with N- and sighed, repeatedly, after saying “Men…”, as if it answered all of my questions and insecurities… but I did.