Sticks and stones may break Alberto's bones.

Forgive me oh Lord, for I have succumbed to the use of a cheap pun headline.

Nevertheless, that’s the plan Andy Schleck has in mind to beat two-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador. He’s not going to beat him in the mountains or time trials, he’s going to whomp him on the cobblestones. Yes, Shleck’s going to stone Alberto to death.

The Saxo bank rider and bald brain trust Bjarne Riis have identified stage 3 as the tipping point, the Spanish rider’s soft underbelly. The 207-kilometre stage from Wanze to Arenberg has seven sectors of pavé, 13.2 kilometers of Roubaix-ish cobblestones.

“If there is a chance, we’ll go for it. We will train as much as necessary to be familiar with this stage,” said Schleck, who last month called Contador “da man.”

And while Contador will have the invaluable help and experience of nobody you can name, Shleck with have Fabian Cancellara and Stuart O’Grady, two Paris-Roubaix winners, at his side.

Schleck told Le Quotidien, “his problem will be the pavé. He could suffer, while [brother] Fränk and I will be able to rely on specialists.” And he’s not talking about the orthodontist, fellow cyclists.

Do not be surprised to discover later that Bjarne Riis has asked race officials to dig up a few sections of road and install more cobblestones. Prices on cobblestone have never been lower. Andy Schleck thinks he’s found a chink in Alberto’s armor.

“He does show some weaknesses, like this year at Paris-Nice. So he is not unbeatable. To succeed, we must do everything at 100 per cent, ” said Schleck.

The back-up plan is just to throw rocks at Contador when he crashes.

Team Astana: plenty of bikes, no license.

As the glacial pace of the UCI’s review of the Astana ProTour license continues, the Kazakh Cycling Federation employed a novel approach to gaining approval: insults.

“It seems to me that they don’t want an Asian team in the ProTour, and for it to beat European teams,” Federation president Nikolai Proskurin alleged. The world shakes its head in amusement — the guy is actually playing the racism card. That’s brilliant.

Then the angry Proskurian shifted gears, moving from insults to conspiracy allegations, claiming former Director Sportif Johan Bruyneel is trying to scuttle the approval.

“Bruyneel told us that he would do everything possible to ensure that they withdrew our license,” Proskurin stated. This is a perfect reminder that the UCI considers the Astana management a bunch of bozos.

Then the federation head slid into some generic whining, claiming it would be difficult to satisfy the additional financial requirements. Proskurin argued that there is already a significant bank guarantee in place. “A guarantee from Samruk-Kazyna is much more important, because it has the stamp of approval of the government itself.” Everyone knows how stable the Kazak government is, right?

All this leading to the question, is this a smart approach to getting your ProTour license re-approved? The antagonism, insults, bullying, disparaging remarks and whining might work in the homeland but the UCI is based in Switzerland. They appreciate sophistication and manners and keeping the dirty laundry in the basement. Does Mr. Proskurin think that approach will earn Astana extra points on a close decision?

Back in the day, loud, obnoxious Americans used to go to Europe on vacation, yelling and flashing their big fat wallets. Those days are long gone, replaced now by the ugly rich Russians on holiday. Twisted Spoke thinks the Kazaks are taking the same approach. It doesn’t win many friends.

It’s Vegas. Alberto Contador and Vince Vaughn just hanging. Vince lays it out for El Pistelero.

You’re so money, Alberto. You don’t even know it, you’re so money. You got millions in your jersey pocket, baby. And you got all these beautiful babies who wanna ride for you. Vinokourov, baby, Zubeldia. Because you’re money, you’re so money, right?

Don’t say you’re not, don’t say that baby, don’t be the modest boy from Madrid. No, you’re money, baby. All those beautiful babies are gonna line the mountain roads of France, baby. Right? Look at me Pistelero, right? Because they love you baby, that Parisian waitress baby, the podium girls and their beautiful honey baby friends, they want you. The lonely housewives waving at you on Tourmalet and Alpe d’Huez, they’re touching themselves baby ’cause you’re so yellow, you’re so green, you’re so money.

Andy Schleck, he can’t beat you baby, that old man from Texas, he’s gone baby, out the back, down the mountain, Radio unplugged, Shack burning, he’s dying baby because he knows you’re so money. Those bunnies are scared of you.

No, don’t shake your head, look at me, don’t look at your brother Fran, look at me baby, take out the six shooters, that’s right, both of them. Bang, bang, bang, you’re money, baby, so money.

NOTE: Watch the Swingers video in HD, the button in the right corner of the video controls. Otherwise the playback is choppy, baby.

O espanhol assinou um pré-acordo com a equipe para permanecer por um ano mais defendendo as suas cores:

• que a equipe conserve a licença ProTour
• que a equipe mantenha um controle anti-dopagem interno e eficiente
• que a equipe cumpra o código ético
• que a equipe cumpra outras coisas não divulgadas

Hoje (20 de novembro) é a data limite para aquelas equipes que não haviam cumprido com os requisitos da UCI apresentem a documentação e o dinheiro e a Astana é uma daquelas que está na alça de mira.

Caso algum dos itens não seja cumprido, o corredor fica livre para procurar outro time.

I'm so money, I'm so in trouble.

Good news or bad news? Depends on the jersey.

Two-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador announced he’s reached a preliminary agreement with Astana to finish up the remainder of the contract that runs through the end of 2010. We’re assuming Michael “Chicken” Rasmussen wasn’t on hand to offer legal advice on the amusing issue of pre-contracts.

Alberto will continue to ride for the donor team of Radio Shack, a roster stripped bare but now adding spare parts. After Johan Bruyneel’s tell-all dishathon about the Astana management — or lack thereof — it would be hard to say this is a team on the rebound. Building a strong team is more than a plug ‘n’ play proposition. This isn’t an X-Box game.

Corralling and motivating big egos and pushing them to ride for somebody else isn’t a simple job. Throw in a director Sportif that hasn’t led a team at this level in years and you have a stir-fry for disaster. Winner: Alberto’s bank account, loser, the man with aspirations for a third Tour de France victory.

Put a big W in the column for team Astana. After nearby bumbling away the best stage racer on the planet through administrative stupidity and cluelessness, the Kazak sponsored team hung on and kept Contador in the fold — and kept the team from folding without him. This is the proverbial gang that couldn’t shoot straight but somehow they got lucky despite themselves. As Hunter Thompson once said, “Even a blind pig finds an acorn now and then.”

The biggest loser is the team of Alejandro Valverde, the powerful Caisse d’Epargne squad. With a fifty-fifty chance that Valverde will have his two year ban in Italy extended to the entire cycling universe, Caisse will be the headless horseman for the grand tours. Management will wish they’d loaned Contador a few nasty lawyers and threw more euros and promised him a small island next to Johnny Depp’s tropical digs.

Another loser: the credibility of the UCI. After a first round “no” on approving Astana’s ProTour license, a spokesman for the governing body said Alberto was legally free to leave Astana. Yet Alberto’s legal team apparently decided that UCI 2.15.139, article 8.1.f was not a Get Out of Kazak Jail Free card and couldn’t figure a way to extricate the Spanish rider. The UCI claim was widely reported and silently retracted. Another embarrassment for an organization that seems to have little control over anything including their own regulations.

Winners: Andy Schleck and Lance Armstrong. A team in turmoil and re-organization with a depleted roster and problematic riders such as Alexander Vinokourov is less than likely to have the same firepower or cohesiveness it had under Johan Bruyneel’s firm hand. Twisted Spoke is guessing that most of Contador’s attacks in the 2010 tour will be “unscripted” because his team won’t have a script to begin with. There is laughter in Saxo Bank land and applause from Radio Shack.

Lance and company succeeded in de-constructing Astana of quality riders like Andreas Kloden, Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner. (They even took the shoe-shine guy.) Contador will miss these top riders once the Alps and Pyrenees arrive in July. El Pistelero has plenty of money to count, whether he can count on his team is another question.

O lucro corresponde à remuneração do capital investido na empresa. O pró-labore é a remuneração paga às pessoas responsáveis pela administração da empresa (administradores).

Atenção: o pró-labore, diferentemente do lucro, está sujeito ao Imposto de Renda de pessoa física e à contribuição para o INSS.

Is Contador riding a vintage Schwinn in the Tour?

Not so fast, says Brother Fran!

La Gazzetta dello Sport reports that two-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador has signed a contract to ride Specialized bikes for the coming season.

That would now appear to be news to Contador’s brother, mechanic and financial advisor, Fran. “That’s incredible. It has nothing to do with reality. I don’t know what’s behind this leak,” he said. “It surprised me that this news made it into a lot of important media outlets without any foundation at all.”

Specialized, Trek, Colnago and Pinarello have all confirmed making bike offers to Contador. The latest rumor making the rounds has Schwinn raising the stakes even higher with a plan to supply the Spaniard with vintage 70’s yellow Schwinn Varsitys.

The famous Schwinn 10 speeds were stored in a warehouse in Mississippi and are in perfect working condition according to a source who has inspected them. “They look like they could still fly — them tires need pumping though,” said Elmer Wilkins, a former warehouse employee.

“Indeed, this proposal has been made,” said Contador’s brother. “It is a rather appealing offer. We will examine it carefully from a sporting perspective. If Alberto wins the tour again on a 35 year old bike, there will be no question who is the champion.”

“Son muy buenas bicicletas, bastante mejor que las Trek, ja, ja, ja“.

Original e reportagem na íntegra aqui.

Algum dia, em alguma equipe ele voltará a usar Trek. Então eu vou dar risada.

Alberto Contador vai correr em 2010 de Specialized. Em qual equipe, não importa.

O contrato foi assinado na sexta-feira entre o importador e o espanhol e prevê uma “gratificação” de 700 mil euros. Existe a possibilidade de renovação para os anos seguintes (enquanto isso, a Astana ainda não definiu qual o equipamento que será usado, mas fontes ligadas à equipe indicam que será também a Specialized).

Esclarecendo: o regulamento da UCI permite que os ciclistas usem equipamentos diferentes do resto da equipe. Fica feio, farrapeiro, mas é permitido.

Ainda aguardando a definição da UCI quanto a licença da equipe, o corredor pensa em reforçar a equipe. No topo da lista aparece o nome de Ivan Basso (mas cá pra nós: acho pouquíssimo provável e parece mais uma daquelas notícias jogadas no ventilador nessa época sem provas).

Ryan’s Speech at WineFuture Conference in Logroño, Spain:

For the past decades the everyday consumer has been ignored. I’m not talking about the high end or even weekend wine geek, but rather the consumer who likes wine, wants a better bottle and could give a shit if the wine has terroir or 90+ points. They want to enjoy the wine for what it is, social lubricant,..

The problem is retailers, importers, and the press were all trying to sell the same package of BS that you need to “know wine” to love wine. It’s the teach first drink later model, which I believe leads too often to consumers afraid that they might do something wrong, and as a result they end up simply buying based on price and what the label looks like. Why, because they are the only things not trying to tell them that they aren’t smart enough to enjoy wine. The consumer has choices, or is starting to, and the internet is bringing us these choices.

these consumers now are talking about wine and buying wines, and are doing it with the tools they use to communicate within their social circles everyday.

Facebook, once a college meet up site, is now a place where brands are being built…While in another more recognizable form for many of us we have Social tasting note sites like Adeggaand Cellartracker which are allowing consumers to share online what wines they own and to see what their friends are drinking.

A lot of people laugh at these online tools  but it reminds me of a quote I found online: “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” This was Western Unions response to the telephones invention.

Ironically similar statements are being made about blogging today. The truth is that we are seeing the fading away of yesterdays’ tools of communication, giving way to a new way of looking at wine.

Today’s consumers have voices. The internet have given them voices, And these voices are not your competitors or enemies, but rather clients, readers, buyers, and sometimes new friends.But the real truth is that the consumer is tomorrows critic. And in the end if they don’t know where Tempranillo comes from it doesn’t matter,  they do know whether or not they like the wine. As a group they have an aggregated voice that is powerful and broad.

they will be the ones to buy your products, and share their thoughts with their friends, just like they always have. If you do not listen to them…you lose. If you choose to engage with them…you win.

Today the internet is also a conversation. It is not monologue it is a dialog. If you are not prepared to engage and talk to your consumer, be prepared for disappointment. Today’s consumer wants a conversation…no they expect one.

YEEEAAAPPP…. I could not agree more with you Ryan (Catavino ) ! Thanks.

Jancis Robinson M.W. : “I can’t honestly say that we solved the wine business’s problems.  In fact I felt that we did not discuss its gravest ones – economic peril for so many – in enough detail.

Jancis Robinson M.W. – O.B.E & Robert Parker Jr

But the conference was certainly not a waste of time, and represented a huge coup on the part of Pancho Campo (seen at the microphone) and the Wine Academy of Spain team to have managed to get such a high-profile crowd together.”

WineFuture on video | Tasting Notes & Wine Reviews from Jancis Robinson

____________________________

Robert Parker’s ‘Grand Garnacha tasting”: The Grand Garnacha Tasting – Wine Future Conference – Catavino

“Tonight ( Friday 13th) in the hall of the Rioja Forum in Logrono Robert Parker sat at the head table overseeing a sold out auditorium of 450+ representatives of the wine world eager to share a glass with him. Kevin Zraly, the pre-eminent figure in wine education in the US & Pancho Campo MW, President of the Wine academy of Spain who organised the event, moderated the session. Catavino was there, live-blogging, photographing, tweeting, and recording tasting notes live on adegga.com, and I was part of the team.

List of wines poured:

Châteuneauf-du-Pape –France/Francia
1. Domaine Charvin 2007
2. Marcoux Vieilles Vignes 2007
3. Mont Olivet – La Cuvee du Papet 2007
4. Chapoutier Barbe Rac 2007
5. Barroche Pure 2007
6. Vieille Julienne 2007
7. Pierre Usseglio-Mon Aieul 2007

Spain/España
8. Atteca Armas 2007 – DO Calatayud
9. Mancuso 2005 – Vino de la Tierra de Valdejalón
10. Espectacle 2006 – DO Montsant
11. Clos Erasmus 2005 – DOCa. Priorat
12. Aquilon 2006 – DO Campo de Borja

California
13. Pandora – Alban 2006
14. Sine Qua Non Atlantis 2005

Australia
15. Killikanoon Duke 2006
16. Greenock Creek Cornerstone 2006
17. Clarendon Hills Old Vines Romas 2006
18. Torbreck Les Amis 2005

Rioja
19. Marqués de Riscal de 1945
20. Contador 2007

He ( Robert Parker)  spoke lucidly and passionately about his love of wines and his unpretentious style and incredible knowledge was somewhat captivating. For Parker the responsibility of the great winemaker is to “capture and translate the essence of your terroir and faithfully respect the vintage given to you by Mother Nature”.

Report from Raymond Magourty for “Catavino”.

YYYEEEAAAAPPPPPP…. When it’s nice…it’s nice?? STOP the fuss ! Enjoy on your own  !!

IVO

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Yo, da man is making his needs clear. On vacation in Curacao, two-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador left no doubt what’s on his mind. “Show me the money,” said El Pistelero. “Yvon Sanquer, Patrick Lefevere, Jonathan Vaughters, Caisse d’Epargne, show me the money.”

Making repeated “hands out” gestures stolen from Cuba Gooding in the famous sports agent morality tale Jerry Maguire, Alberto is all about the benjamins. Brother and manager Fran, playing the Tom Cruise character to perfection, said “alright, I get it, I get it.”

The normally soft spoken Contador had apparently watched the Jerry Maguire movie a dozen times while on his island holiday.

“I wanna see that 8 million. Show me that 8 million. Put it in my hand, I gots to touch that shit, right here, right now,” said Contador, showing off a suprisingly good gangsta impression.

Word to the Kazakh Cycling Federation president: do not mess with this man. He’s on a Jerry Maguire riff and Scarface could be next. Go to the bank, get the money and pay the man.

O agente, irmão e mala de Alberto Contador, Fran Contador, negou hoje que a Astana tenha feito uma proposta milionária (8 milhões de euros anuais) para o seu irmão.

Segundo ele, a proposta é para 2010 somente e não chega sequer a metade desse valor (o que convenhamos, é um bom salário também).

Alguém está mentindo: os cazacos ou o irmão-com-medo-do-leão-do-imposto-de-renda.

Vamos aguardar.

But could he beat Armstrong?

Before Alberto, there was Steve Austin, the hero of the seventies TV show The 6 Million Dollar Man. A quick plot summary to develop our thesis and dramatic contrast:

“Steve Austin, an astronaut who had walked on the moon, is almost fatally injured in a plane crash. Many of his damaged parts are replaced by bionic limbs, including his right arm, his left eye, and both legs.”

These bionics give him superpower strength and speed and of course the U.S. Government paid 6 million for him. As you can see, Alberto and Steve have a lot in common, salary-wise and leg-wise.

The 6 Million Dollar Man series ran for five exciting seasons and was nominated for a Golden Golden award. The bankers and managers at Team Astana are hoping their deal will bring Contador on for four thrilling seasons. Not to mention a few Tour de France trophies.

The hit TV show always opened with the same voice-over: “We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Better, stronger, faster. And in Alberto’s case, way richer.

Of course, the Kazak offer did say something about also replacing an arm and eyeball. Yikes.

Look, Alberto! Real money! We're rich.

Alberto is in the big money now. Funny money, too.

Velonews reports that the latest contract offer to Alberto Contador was in the range of 8 to 12 million a year. That was the good news.

The bad news was that the money is minted by the Parker Brothers company for their popular board game Monopoly. And it is therefore essentially useless and without value — even if it’s “Kapitalpolitik,” the Russian version of Monopoly.

Kazak banker?

But maybe not. Contador’s brother, advisor and bike mechanic Fran and his lawyers are examining the offer closely. “It may be that we can convert the Monopoly money into euros somehow through a Kazak bank,” said Fran. “It is a generous offer and we will evaluate it thoroughly.”

While cautious about the paper money, Contador remained optimistic. “Monopoly is still my favorite game. I like the idea of having hotels on Park Place or Marvin Gardens,” he said, citing two popular pieces of real estate in the famous game.

Meanwhile Nikolai Proskurin, head of the Kazak Cycling Federation, insisted the money is real, saying “the Monopoly rumors are false. Just because we couldn’t pay our rider salaries last year people laugh at us. This is not paper money. It exists,” said Proskurin.

Yes, it’s a big, big offer — enought to buy all the little red hotels. But legal tender?

Por Maco:

Una vez más los muchachos de electrónica I nos muestran su proyecto hecho con un display de 8 segmentos.

En esta ocasión se trata de un contador de 0-9 con control de pulso variable. En el diagrama de abajo se muestra el funcionamiento de este proyecto.

Da clic en la imagen para ver la animación

El integrado oscilador es el que manda la señal de pulsos como reloj, que hace el cambio de nùmero. Mientras que otro integrado genera los nùmeros y son convertidos  a binario, luego se convierte en voltajes para cada uno de los segmentos del diplay, que estan protegidos por  las resistencias.

A continuación unas fotos y el video demostrativo.

Uma coisa é certa: muitos zeros no seu salário.

A Astana fez uma oferta de 8 milhões de euros por temporada para um contrato com vigência até 2013.

Além disso, parece que Fran (o irmão-agente) está bem orientado: Alberto exige uma cláusula que lhe permite quebrar o contrato no caso de haver algum companheiro positivo por doping e a não inscrição de Alexander Vinokourov no Tour de France.

Será que o dono do time (aquele que disse “A Astana é o meu bebê”) concorda com tudo isso?

Contador is "da man." I'm the alternate.

Alberto Contador and Andy Schleck went head to head Saturday in a hard-core game of “no, you da man.”

The hard fought match to determine who is the favorite for the 2010 Tour de France was fast and furious. “You da man,” said Alberto of his chief rival Schleck. The Saxo bank rider quickly countered with “No, you da man.”

The match went on for an hour and the final tally, scored by independent judges, reads as follows: Contador, 13 You Da Mans and Schleck 15 You Da Mans. Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf declared Alberto the provisional winner.

Reached for comment, Lance Armstrong fired back a series of tweets such as “I’m 7 times da man,” “Kid Contador ain’t the man,” and “Yo, man up, 2010 tdf. Radio ready.”

Cadel Evans weighed in from Australian, saying, “what do you think the M in team BMC stands for? I’m world champion which pretty much makes me “da man” until further notice.”

Twisted Spoke says we got some cyclists talkin’ some serious smack. As rapper Naz says in his justly under-rated song You’re Da Man, “Uh uh, yo, the plan was to knock me out the top of the game. But I understand they truth is all lame. I hold cannons that shoot balls of flames.”

No matter. The high mountains will decide, as they always do, the answer to the eternal question: Who is da man?

A un estudiante de contaduría siempre lo va a estresar el hecho de que un balance este descuadrado, es como una piedra en el oido, molesta, desespera, preocupa, inquieta y todos sus derivados… Ahora a un estudiante de contaduría (no normal) osea yo, que no tengo ni el más minimo de paciencia, que tengo el perfeccionismo y la culpa marcados en la frente, sin mencionar la intolerancia propia, ¿Cómo lo calma el ver esa diferencia maldita entre la suma del pasivo y el patrimonio con los activos?… No se imaginan.

Siempre me dan los balances, me cuadran, y cuando no me dan, no necesito mas de media hora, para encontrar la piedrita en el zapato y cuadrarlo.

Hoy, mi amigo Cristian Parody, tenía un trabajo completo de contabilidad, para entregar antes de 6pm, empecé a hacerlo a las 1pm, (además de un trabajo de auditoría), el bendito balance no  me dió, no me dió! NO ME DIÓ!, sin mencionar que el P&G me dió pérdida, claro, con tanto gasto que incluyo ese profesor en ese trabajo, al menos hubiera registrado un ingreso no operacional para que produjera ganancia.

Para que vean mi recocha de palabras en mi cabeza, les describo:

No logro acordarme de por qué las devoluciones en compra constituyen un costo y de si se restan y se suman al costo de ventas, porque son una 6.

No logro saber si los descuentos condicionados y los *comerciales (*que no se si se contabilizan) forman parte de la base de la retención en la fuente, del IVA, los condicionados la generan y los comerciales no.

Tengo dudas, respecto a la amortización de un préstamo, que aparentemente y logicamente está bien, es que está bien, sólo que ese error hace dudar de lo más mínimo.

No sé si el bendito seguro diferido se causa contra un gasto, es lo más lógico también.

No me acuerdo de como se cuadra la retefuente pagada contra el anticipo, si da saldo a favor, no sé si se coloca el saldo a favor como una entrada o sí se registra la retefuente a pagar como gasto y se le resta el anticipo, para que el saldo a favor quede debitado en la 1355. No me acuerdo. Si dió saldo a favor el anticipo de impuestos, donde se ubica? como un activo o?? No me acuerdo.

En el sistema de inventario permanente no se hace juego de inventarios, ¿por qué ese costo de ventas no me convence ?, si la única confusa devolución en compras se incluyó en el Kardex y el Kardéx no está mal.

De pronto es por qué no hice las depreciaciones de febrero?, no tiene sentido, no tiene nada que ver, nisiquiera las pidieron.

“Una diferencia puede hacerlo a uno dudar de hasta lo más lógico”.

La enseñanza que me deja esto es: Nunca eches a la basura o regales tus apuntes de semestres pasados. Si es un error de formula de excel voy a tirar al piso mi laptop o a meter todo a SAINT.

Ese balance me cuadra o sino me cambio el nombre.

Clauses? Yeah, I got plenty clauses.

We’re not surprised two-time Tour de France champion Alberto Contador wants a few new clauses inserted in his Astana contract.

We imagine he’s thinking of adding quite a few more besides the one allowing him to leave if the team has even one doping violation.

Here are the top 10 he’s still considering:

1) No singing of Kazah folk songs on the team bus. That was annoying last year.

2) Absolutely no mandatory drinking games with Alexandre Vinokourov.

3) Free gas for life from the Kazah oil company.

4) Salary paid in cash each week, no exceptions or contract terminated.

5) All Astana staff and support employees must purchase $500 worth of my “El Pistelero” merchandise. (see note #6)

6) Astana to fund establishment of an “Alberto” boutique in Madrid to sell El Pistelero merchandise.

7) From here on, I always get to sit at the head of the dinner table. P.S. I am NOT buying snacks for the rest of the squad anymore!

My ipod ONLY. No more sharing the stereo with other team-mates. I put up with Armstrong’s Foo Fighters crap but that time is over.

9) No more making fun of my brother Fran. It’s short for Francisco, okay? So stop joking that he sounds like the cleaning lady in a bad sit- com. Not funny.

10) Everyone must speak SPANISH ONLY or I’m outa here. Don’t make me mad, don’t annoy me, don’t tick me off. No Habla Kazak, got it?

The Dolphin Test.

As part of the UCI’s on-going mental testing of all riders for their psychological passport, Andy Schleck and Alberto Contador both correctly guessed the number of dolphins swimming in the tank. The answer was of course, two.

“It’s important that we have a clear baseline measurement of their mental capabilities,” said the UCI’s head psychologist Erik Sorenson. “Treading water while counting another species is a every exact measure of brain function.”

The UCI Psychological passport has been under fire from some critics for its unusual protocols. President Patrick McQuaid said “we do whatever tests we want. The Dolphin test is an accepted measure, so just shut up.”

Pierre Boudry, head of the French Anti-Doping Agency (AFLD), laughed at the test. “It is worthless, this test. We prefer to use the sea otter — it is less obvious,” he said.

Tenho certeza disso faz uns tempos, e acho que boa parte da população gamer sabe disso também, mas sempre tem um ingênuo por aí que não sabe e que definitivamente precisa ficar sabendo: para produzir um game, você não precisa entender nada do assunto, você só precisa ser sádico. Muito sádico.

Viemos sendo vítimas desse amor por ver os outros sofrer desde o NES e vamos ser até que o ultimo game seja lançado. Você pode até lutar contra isso, mas sabe: softhouses se alimentam das nossas expectativas, dão gargalhadas com as nossas suposições e se deliciam ao adiar o lançamento de um game. É ou não é?

Um grande exemplo é Assassin’s Creed. Aposto 100 Ienes que na primeira reunião entre os produtores, todos estavam numa discussão ferrenha sobre como seria o jogo, até que Jade Raymond levantou da cadeira gritando:

- Vocês ficam discutindo coisas que não levar a lugar algum! Não importam essas coisas superficiais sobre como será o jogo! Importa é que nós vamos passar um ano criando hype sobre o game, mostrando trailers lindíssimos e empolgantes, para no final – um sorriso malicioso se abre na boca de Raymond – lançarmos um jogo extremamente repetitivo!

E todos se levantaram aplaudindo Jade, que saiu da sala ovacionado e levando tapinhas nas costas. Aliás, com Devil May Cry 2 a coisa deve ter sido bem parecida, a diferença é que dessa vez a Capcom nos encheu de expectativa com um jogo – Devil May Cry – e só depois lançou a decepção histórica. E não me venham dizer que a Capcom tem vergonha de DMC 2, porque eu sei que é só fachada.

O ícone de todas as pessoas que trabalham em produtoras de games só pode ser o Kojima e seu contador. Depois daquela contagem, toda a empresa de games tem no mínimo dez fotos dele espalhadas por seus corredors, assim como a Coréia do Norte tem o rosto de seu ditador estampado em suas ruas. Kojima é o exemplo para todos os produtores que pretendem se tornar realmente famosos. Ele não só conseguiu fritar os neurônios de todos os gamers da Terra como ainda tem o prestígio deles. Kojima é o herói do sadismo.

“Então no fim de tudo não passamos de brinquedinhos nas mãos sádicas dos que produzem os jogos que tanto amamos, certo?” Errado. Vou contar um segredo a você, pessoa ingênua que ainda não descobriu: esse negócio de nós ficarmos nos contorcendo pra decifrar os enigmas de um site teaser é tudo mentira para agradá-los. No fim, fazendo isso, a gente se diverte tanto quanto eles!