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Plagued by Nightmares

truestoriesbykay — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:20:58 +0000

Nightmares have been a normal part of my life since I can remember. I would have horrible nightmares as a child that were so frightening that I would wake up screaming in terror. I recall a few nights that brought the neighbors pounding on our door with a demand to physically see me to verify that I was alright. My nightmares ranged from vampires attacking me, crazy men chasing me to kill me, hands coming up and grabbing me from under the bed between the wall and the bed. Monsters hiding in the closet. These dreams are the safe nightmares to talk about.

The nightmares that take over my nights and fill them with terror are twisted repeats of memories of attacks, abuse and rapes. Some are my subconscious interpretations of how I feel because of the past abuse, assaults and rapes. Sometimes I dream I am running from a crazy person who has the goal of killing me. I manage to stay one step ahead of him through the whole dream but everyone I find along the way and plea with them to help me are quickly won over to the crazy man’s side. they will be hugging him, shaking his hand, smiling at him and telling me I am the crazy one because this man is a great man and would never hurt anyone and they would side with him and I would continue to run as he comes after me. Sometimes, the ones I ask for help side with the crazy guy and become like him and come after me to help him kill me. These can be police officers, preachers, firemen, or a family member.

Sometimes I try to confront the bad person or people and I usually end up trying to defend myself from being killed. These dreams keep me in terror all through the night. Sometimes I wake up several times through the night and have difficulty calming down and falling back to sleep. The sleeping pill helps a little with that but not a whole lot. I still wake up, I still have trouble falling back to sleep although I should be unconscious and unable to wake up for 8 hours or more.

The day following the nightmares starts off difficult because I wake up with a bunch of emotions to deal with. Often I wake up and just cry for 20 minutes before getting out of bed. I try to put on that happy face and full emotional armor to appear larger than life and very strong, all the while I am a puddle of sobbing and anxious mush inside. I have to appear strong because if “they” see a hint of weakness or vulnerability, “they” will move in for the kill. Often, if I appear stoic or hardened with out emotion, it is because my “shield” is up at full capacity. When my face is void of emotional expression, that is my “shield” My smile is my “poker face”. I often combine the two for maximum efficiency of protection while minimizing external threat. I am often described as distracted.

I can not always hold my shields up and I have to retreat and pull out of life’s activities for a while. I have many bad days and often I can not hold my shields up for more than a few minutes and on a good day I can hold it up for maybe a couple of hours at a time. Employers complain because I have to go break often and can not last more than two hours at the most with out a break. Sometimes I go to the bathroom between breaks to regroup or “recharge”.

My biggest secret is that the general public will never guess, is that I spend a lot of time making excuses of why I can’t come in to work that day, why I can’t meet them or make it to their party or function. I am sick often or have some other excuse of why I had to disappear.

Being plagued by Nightmares makes life difficult in many ways. Disrupts sleep, Makes it difficult to relax and fall asleep, adds stress and anxiety beginning the day with extreme emotions upon waking from the long terror filled night.

Things I do before bed in an attempt alleviate some of the nightly PTSD symptom of nightmares.

Play a computer game that is monotonous or requires mindless repetition to help my mind and body to relax by sitting calmly and taking my mind off of the activities of the day. I avoid television shows that depict scenes of assaults, rape, or other triggers that I know of. (yes this means those great cop shows too.) I avoid watching the news before bed. I avoid deep conversations about my past or current social issues. I often sit and listen to relaxing music that is suitable for meditation and I try not to allow my mind to focus on anything. I am not always successful because I do not live alone. Someone usually wants to watch television or pick the time right before my bedtime to discuss stuff I need to avoid prior to going to bed. I often will put on my headphones to help block out what is going on around me such as the noise from the television and I also try to politely suggest that we talk in the morning or sometime the following day. I also take a sleeping pill to help me fall asleep and be able to return to sleep when I awake through out the night from horrible nightmares.

I often refer to going to sleep as going on an adventure to minimize the degree of anxiety I face upon laying in bed to go to sleep. Once in a while I get away with only a couple of bad dreams, I have yet to be successful at getting a good night of sleep.

First Meeting with PTSD

Gina G. O'Neill, BS, MHA, PhD Candidate — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 03:13:30 +0000

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was unbeknown to me until I met Mr. O in 2001. Nothing could prepare me to understand the vastness and complexity of this anxiety disorder. PTSD can occur after a person experienced a traumatic event. I began to understand what PTSD is all about by becoming too closed with Mr. O.. I was at the point in my life when I was ready to put my life into a fresh start and live life with the man I am committed to spend the rest of my life with.

Madness is all in the Mind

Anthony — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 09:06:45 +0000

I have been trying to write this for quite a while now. To try to explain how I felt and how I am feeling now after starting CBT and the tablets. Each time I started those inky black demons swept in through my mind forcing me to abandon anything I had started to write.

Now I have had enough.

If you are reading this “bad thoughts” try to stop me. Try your hardest to make me cry, to get me upset. Make me if you can, get up and walk away from my computer like you have done so many times before. Try it if you dare. Today I am ready for you. If you want a battle you got one, and I’m going to win.

This will be long so I will split the posts into smaller posts, that way I don’t bore you. I might say something that might not be for a person with a nervous or other disposition, so it might not be a good idea to read on if you do suffer from depression/PTSD. First get help from your doctor.

October 2010. My mind had just played out one of the greatest battles my mind had ever seen, and lost. The forces of evil, those deep, black forces came scurrying like plague infested rats out from their hiding places and annihilated everything in front of them. As my mind began to shut itself down to try and save what sanity I had left it said to me “If you don’t get help now you will go mad.”

I have been feeling “different” since 2000, that’s when I had my first dealings with this harbinger of madness. But it wasn’t until 2007 that they unleashed their full forces against my good self and my sanity. I fell off the wagon and as I continued to bounce along the hard stony path I lost everything. My home, job, money, friends and almost my life, as I bounced uncontrollably, scraping every single part of my body against the stones and rocks that lay in my path. I came to rest badly injured and lay there for a time trying to assess what was happening. The only friend I had left invited me to spend time with them, in a different country. I went and spent a few years there where my mind continued to fester horrible, dark and patronising thoughts. I really wanted to be a model of British society to my host, instead they got abuse mental abuse. I would go off on one saying awful things to them as they sat there and listened. Not once did they argue with me but instead gave me words of encouragement. I should write they said. Why not try growing your own vegetables and fruit they said. Always, always giving me so much comfort and encouragement no matter how much abuse I spouted at them. Until recently when they had finally had enough. But that’s another story.

I did grow my own veg, had fruit trees which I harvested. I grew all sorts of plants and generally made the place look lovely in summer. Underneath though or should I say inside my mind it was chaos. My mind, having been consumed by this harbinger of filth, started to counter attack. Slowly my good self started to overrun the black, ugly vermin that had putrefied my brain. Finally with one almighty push they defeated the black plague and banished it to its own cage in the darkest corner of my mind. I began to feel normal again if I could say that. Apart from this little festering monster sat on my left shoulder. Day after day it laughed and scorned everything I did.

“You won’t beat us,” it would say. “We will win in the end you will see.” It continued. Day after day it happened and my mind fought continuously to keep this festering form from escaping: until it could fight no more. Then with speed and agility the black thoughts would once again infest my mind and I would be back to square 1 again. This could have taken a week, 2 maybe a month, but in the end this harbinger of doom always escaped and came for me in ways in which I had no control over…….

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND CONNECTION VS SEPARATION BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 09 May 2011 15:59:01 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

Remember the Declaration of Independence saying that we all had a right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”? We all have that right, and we should not worry about an “us vs. them” line of thinking. No one person is better than someone else and we are all connected to each other in one way or another. We need to find ways to connect with people instead of separating from each other. We can all work together in the same pursuit – the pursuit of happiness.

We seek to find ways to live free from fear and to live from a place of love in all areas of life: health, finances, relationships, family, career, etc. To put it simply, we seek to HEAL ourselves by accepting ourselves wholly and being free of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that can torment us and sabotage our lives.

Only a healed and whole person can lead a happy and successful life. It sounds so simple, yet so many of us get overly caught up in the material concerns of the world, which can lead us to fear and its family (anger, resentment, guilt, blame, shame, etc.) We human beings have also developed a “me versus you” or “us versus them” mentality. We have led ourselves away from the divine one-ness/wholeness of the great Universe of which we are a part. We see this today in the phenomenon of school bullying, racial discrimination, and war, just to name a few examples. There are unfortunately many others.

Independent filmmaker, author, happiness coach and speaker Lisa Cypers Kamen creates these blogs to entertain, enlighten and educate us as we each undertake our own personal search for happiness and shares them with http://www.motherhoodincorporated. Happiness is an Inside Job. To contact Lisa, email her directly at lisa@whatisyourhappiness.com and check out her websites at www.whatisyourhappiness.com , www.harvestinghappiness.com , and www.hh4heroes.org and listen to her on http://harvestinghappinesstalkradio.wordpress.com or download her show at www.itunes.com.

Harvesting Happiness with Lisa Cypers Kamen brings to the airwaves a fresh talk radio approach promoting happiness, well-being and global human flourishing by presenting a diverse and proactive collection of the greatest thinkers and doers who have devoted their lives to creating a better world in which to live.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

Harvesting Happiness for Heroes is a pending 501(c)(3), non-profit corporation. Our mission objective is to offer support services to Warriors and Warrior families challenged by Combat Trauma and post-deployment reintegration issues. We offer Battle Buddy workshops, family awareness training, online community support, one-on-one coaching services, as well as retreats for Warriors to decompress from battle and understand the tools available for them to adapt their military skills to civilian society.

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND VOLUNTEERISM BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 02 May 2011 15:57:16 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

When we volunteer our time to do something for others, such as helping out an elderly neighbor or taking part in a local community project, it can be good news for our health, our children’s education and even reduce the local crime rate too.

People who live in areas that record high levels of informal voluntary activity in their neighborhood, also enjoy better health, students perform better and their communities suffer fewer burglaries. There is an interesting link between helping others and enjoying a good quality of life. It seems that when we focus on the needs of others, we may also reap benefits ourselves. It means that voluntary activity in the community is associated with better health, lower crime, improved educational performance and greater life satisfaction. Communities with lots of public and community engagement are also communities that have environments that foster promising outcomes such as these.

Volunteering has a positive influence, irrespective of a community’s social class or wealth. A relatively poor community with lots of voluntary activity can do better in relation to health, crime and education than a relatively affluent community which lacks such activity. There is a strong link between communities with lots of volunteering and those where people are very satisfied with their lives.

Volunteering is a growing activity. Volunteering clearly has benefits for citizens, families and communities. Volunteerism also helps create a commodity more powerful than money called Social Capital.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND HOBBIES BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 15:16:49 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

Hobbies and happiness can work together. Hobbies can calm your mind by staying out of work and concentrating on a thing you like. Thus they can help you reduce your stress level.

Hobbies are very similar to meditation. Both in meditation and hobby you try to reach a common goal, happiness. There are no rules when it comes to choosing a hobby. It may be gardening or watching good movies or listening to uplifting music or reading books. It is something that brings you joy. Hobbies vary for every person.

Think of them as a social or even family occasions. You can spend time with your children while completing tasks together. Hobbies lead you on a path to your happiness and also to the happiness of your family.

Happiness and hobbies also can go hand in hand with flow theory. You may be asking, what is flow theory?

Flow theory is the feeling of complete and energized focus in an activity, with a high level of enjoyment and fulfillment. The components of a Flow producing activity are:

We are up to the activity.
We are able to concentrate on the activity.
The activity has well-defined goals.
The activity has direct feedback.
We feel that we control the activity.
Our worries and concerns disappear.
Our subjective experience of time is altered.

Just remember that your hobbies can make you feel better and you can choose what those may be.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND ECONOMIC CRISIS BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 20:03:28 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

It seems that you can’t go even one day without hearing a comment, a remark, a report, or an article highlighting the current economic downturn. How can we keep a positive attitude during these tough economic times?

What can I change by becoming upset, anxious, or nervous? Nothing. By complaining or allowing my body to suffer through anxiety, I will accomplish nothing.

I choose not to focus any energy on something that puts me in an un-resourceful state. Remember, what we focus on expands. We will get more of whatever we focus our attention on. We get more of what we think about, talk about, and listen to.

First, recognize that there are many things out of our control; things like, the weather, the past, other people, and the economy. Anxiety, worry and fear usually come when we focus on these external things that we cannot control. Recall the last time you were really worried or nervous about something. What were you focused on? Was it something external that was beyond your control?

Second, recognize that we do have choices. We always have choices. We may feel that we don’t have a choice, because we don’t want to face the options – our pride and ego becoming hurt.

There is one thing we definitely have control over, and that is, we have control over the meaning which we give to things and circumstances. We have a choice in the perspective which we use to interpret a given situation.

There are benefits from the economic crisis. Here are some:

Real estate prices are lower, stock prices are cheaper, stores are having real sales and people are “mattering” more. When money is no longer the most valuable commodity on the planet, people begin defining their wealth elsewhere.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

Why I choose forgiveness

Sally — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 07:06:45 +0000

***After writing this I realized how this somewhat veered from the vague entry I’d intended it to be (NOT a bad thing ) but felt the need to mention… this is moreso written from the perspective of forgiving past abusers/offenders***

Forgiveness has always been and quite honestly still is a very confusing, conflicting, and touchy subject for me. I was raised -told- what I WOULD believe – what I would accept and how I would live my life. Over the years I found myself feeling trapped and alone surrounded by people that expected me to simply accept things at face value without being given the luxury of understanding exactly what it was that I was accepting. My father was a strong believer in personal choice – finding every piece of information you could on a subject and weighing out the information before you decided what you would choose to affect your life. The only problem was that there was never really anyone to explain to me what I was looking at in the first place lol. To use forgiveness as an example, in one ear I was being -told- that I would forgive automatically – that I would seek forgiveness instantaneously even for things such as expressing certain emotions. If I did not do so, it was considered ‘being offensive’. In the other ear I was explained that forgiveness is a choice that nobody can take from me – that I can choose who I forgive, when, and even if I want to live my life as a forgiving person. The missing link was I was never explained WHAT forgiveness was. It’s always been this vague foreign concept to me. So then, what IS forgiveness? What form does it take? What does it look and sound like? How does it feel in our hearts in comparison to simply choosing to ‘turn away’ from something?

Many people have heard the saying “forgive and forget” – When you don’t understand what forgiveness is, that that phrase (or at least for me) sounds an awful lot like “roll over and let them trample you” I’ve been watching a lot of Tyler Perry’s Madea productions lately and one specifically is “Madea Goes to Jail” the movie version (vs. the theatre version)

There’s a scene in the movie where Madea is in jail and sitting in on a group. They’re referencing the Bible and speaking on forgiveness when someone yells out “Well I can’t forgive my dad!! You don’t know what he did to me!!!” Madea begins to speak up. I’ve noticed these past couple weeks (as I’ve been watching this movie over and over) that my opinions and views on forgiveness have changed dramatically. In watching it I realized that 2 years ago.. or even a year ago I would have bursted into tears at this woman’s outburst feeling soo very validated and would have wanted to scream “Thank you!!!” But now, I listened to her outburst and became saddened. Not for myself, not for the fact that everyone ‘preaches’ to each other to forgive and I think it’s unfair – but because I wanted to hold her hand and tell her “You’re worth SO much more than this!!”

I’ve truly grown. And now I believe I have a better understanding of what forgiveness looks like for me – what it sounds like – what it FEELS like.

I’ve been hurt by so many people in quite truthfully - apalling, horrific, and inconceivable ways. So obviously, if forgiveness is a goal of mine, I have many people to forgive. With the phrase “forgive and forget” I always figured forgiveness was more like letting someone off the hook… then adding the ‘forget’ portion I figured that forgiving and forgetting was the equivalent of saying “Don’t worry about it, I’m not important enough or worth anything for any of your mistreatments of me to make a difference in anyone’s life.” The bottom line was – I thought it was an admittance of “I’m not worth anything” followed with “I’m not important enough for any of this to ever matter anyways” I remember writing one day many years ago asking a friend… “Why should I forgive them? I may as well go back to them put the gun in their hand and hand them a lollipop saying ‘you can hurt me some more if you like’ “

But the refusal to forgive was actually fueling my feelings of being the victim. It was igniting and fueling my feelings of complete worthlessness. Ultimately it was destroying me from the inside out. — Now I see things moreso as Madea does..

(movie clip will be posted below as a comment)

Now I see forgiveness as a way to love and care for myself. A way to stand up for myself. A doorway to lead myself from the mindset of the victim into feeling like the strong, competant, and priceless survivor that I am. For me forgiveness looks like me facing what was done to me. Confronting and battling the way that – that specific person or instance altered my thinking and views of myself as well as the world around me. Then making the conscious decision to REJECT the thoughts/views that will not assist me in achieving my goals or becoming the person I’ve set out to be. Once I’ve done that I’m more able to realize “You know what, you hurt me and attempted to destroy myself and even possibly my life itself. But you didn’t! I’m still here – and I still have breath in me to fight. However, if I keep allowing you and what you did to me consume my time, energy, and mind… I may as well turn in my gloves now. I’ll give you that one. You fucked me over royally and broke me into millions of pieces inside. You did an amazing job of it too. But it ends now and I wish you the best of luck in life. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers”

For me, forgiveness sounds like that because it reminds me an awful lot of a fencing tournament. I have to admit they cornered me. They ‘did a number’ on me so to speak. They caught me at a weak time. And while there’s really not much (if any) pride to be found in winning a tournament against someone who’s just barely (if at all) able to ATTEMPT to defend themselves…. we have to pick our battles. We could either refuse to forgive… (essentially doing half -if not more- of the work for the opponent) allowing ourselves to remain stuck and submerged in pain, confusion, self hate, anger, fear, and locking the rest of the world out of our lives — or we can take a deep breath, stand up, and say “Touche – ya got me” give a quick nod of the head, and be on our way – out the door.

Forgiveness is also often paired with the saying “Be the better man” — I…. personally DESPISE that saying. I’ve begun to think of it more as ‘Being determined’ — Here’s a quick, if not slightly odd example… LOL —- Lets say there was a natural disaster of some sort… (like a hurricane, tornado, or earthquake) and I woke up to a tree fallen in on my house – everyone has made it through safe and sound – a few bumps and bruises.. but alive and well. Obviously, my immediate reaction to something like this would most likely be to cry a bit, scream, hold my family – maybe even wind up punching the tree a bit lol …. but then at some point… in order to take care of myself and my family I will need to take some deep breaths, stand up, perhaps have a sip or two of water… but then TAKE CONTROL of the situation. Sitting there on my knees punching the living shit out of that tree – as much as it may seem to help with something — is NOT going to get the tree off the house. It’s not going to get the house repaired. It’s not going to get the insurance company called – it’s not going to get the family situated (in a hotel or friend/family member’s house) until the house is repaired… it’s not going to EFFICIENTLY handle anything!!! It’s merely going to -possibly- make me feel better for that period of time that I’m exerting all of my time, energy, and focus on the tree. — Mind you… that’s time, energy, and focus that COULD be spent calling the insurance company – calling friends and family – calling the police or ambulance if needed — time energy, and focus that IF I make the choice to eventually stand up and say “Where do I go from here? – what do I need to do next?” could very well change my life for the better.

So… how on earth am I relating that to forgiveness? LOL – Simple – For me, when I refuse to forgive I’m allowing that other person/people to maintain –some amount– of control over my life. — I’m continuously exerting incredible amounts of my time, energy, and focus onto them – I’m replaying over and over in my head (out of anger or feelings of worthlessness) what they did to me – how I felt – how UNFAIR it was …. I’m so wrapped up in that and so busy investing MY time and energy into THEIR actions – that I’m unable to focus on my current situation. I’m unable to see that “Hey!! I got some kickass people in my life now!!” or “Holy shit dude!! I’m actually FREE!! – that was the PAST!!! – I can live my life the way —I— want now!!!” I’m unable to actually SEE my current surroundings if I’m still trippin’ over what he/she/they did to me or said to me yesterday … or last month.. or year… or even 15 years ago. —– And if I’m unable to even SEE my current surroundings for what they are – then how in the HELL am I going to be able to sit down and make my own plan from *** point on? — You can’t fix a hole in the wall if you can’t see it…. just like you can’t efficiently drive a car if you can’t see out your windshield…. so then why do we think we can SUCCESSFULLY lead our lives in the direction we want them to go if we’re too busy granting our past all of our attention?

I used to see forgiveness as “admitting I am weak and worthless” and becoming a doormat…. a complete and utter loss of control and hope. ——

But now I see how incredibly wrong I was…. Forgiveness is completely the opposite.

It is revoking the control that was stolen from me. — It is declaring my self worth. — It is reclaiming my self esteem. — It is mending the cuts, bruises, and burns, and expressing love and compassion to MYSELF until the hurt and shame eventually begin to dissipate.

Forgiveness is being DETERMINED to not allow them to own my life. It IS for ME!!!

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND HOMELESSNESS BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 18:15:27 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

In today’s economy it is hard enough under the best of circumstances to find a job. Three things that may cause you to hit rock-bottom when it comes to homelessness are no money, no income and nowhere to live. This can put you at the end of your rope so to speak.

Most of the time, it isn’t about an addiction – whether that is alcohol or drugs, it’s usually about getting yourself together. There can be some alternatives for you. You might be able to stay with friends or with your children if that is an option for you. If not, there are emergency shelters available.

If you have lost your job, you may find it difficult. You may constantly struggle to overcome discouragement and stay positive. It will take effort on your part and you can continue searching for work and submitting your resume at various businesses.

With a clean, safe, and supportive environment to live in and a job not far away, you can feel blessed and cherish life. Once you have achieved success at finding a job, you can be an example for those who are still homeless and disheartened.

If you maintain a positive outlook, your story can change from one of homelessness to happiness. It is possible!

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 11:50:30 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

How do happiness and success go together? Is one dependent on the other? These are questions you may have asked yourself.

If you think of happiness as a key to success it makes things a little easier. Happiness is the key that unlocks the door of success. If you have a generally positive attitude, then it would logically follow that you would be pretty successful. What if your attitude and overall outlook is less than positive?

Does that mean that you can’t be successful? The simple answer is, no it doesn’t. You can change your attitude which will in turn change your outlook. You can learn from others who for the most part are positive people. Look for things in your life that make you happy. There is some caution, though. It is best to avoid things that are dangerous such as drinking lots of alcohol or engaging in some extreme sport like skydiving. The things to look for are not going to harm you, they will only help you. ? There are many financially successful people that are unsuccessful at living happy lives. What separates people with money and happy people with or without it are attitude and outlook.

Remember that what brings pleasure for one person may not be the same for you. Everyone is unique! It may be hard to come up with things that make you happy, but take the time to find those things and it will make your life better…and it just might make you a little more successful in whatever you are doing.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS? HAPPINESS AND THE UNKNOWN BY LISA CYPERS KAMEN

lisakamen — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 11:46:47 +0000

By Lisa Cypers Kamen, Harvesting Happiness

A lot of people fear the unknown and there can be a variety of reasons for this fear. Do we really need to fear the unknown, and what is the unknown?

The unknown could mean that you are afraid of uncertainty about the future. What could happen tomorrow, next week, a month from now, a year from now, etc.? You might be concerned about your job, health or something else and may have questions such as: What if I lose my job? What if my health gets worse? What if something happens to my spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend?

There is another way to look at the unknown besides fear of the future. You may be thinking of something spiritual – something that cannot be seen physically. You might question your beliefs and faith and wonder about those unknowns as well.

Often what we fear most about the unknown is that it is out of our control. Human are almost always least comfortable when we cannot control our environment or our circumstances. Guess what? Life is filled with unknowns. If we stop and think about it, we do not know more than we know.

After thinking about these things, you might ask yourself the question posed at the beginning: do we really need to fear the unknown? I believe that the simple answer is no but this could vary from person to person, and it is okay to question the unknown. Just remember that is all in what your perspective and attitude toward such things may be. If we keep our eyes on the present moment as it is the one thing we know for sure.

Weekly on www.toginet.com Wednesday’s at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST

PTSD and Depression

Anna — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 18:03:54 +0000

I didn’t want to write this post nor did I want to share the contents of my heart so publically. For a long time I knew that I needed to write this post, but I deleted it many times before finding the courage to finish and post it. I am not writing this for sympathy, nor do I want sympathy.

It’s been nearly two years since PC’s heart stopped.

Quick review, my husband’s heart stopped one morning about 3AM due to Brugada Syndrome (it causes an irregular heartbeat that stops the heart, previously called sudden death syndrome). Mercifully, God had different plans and PC’s death wasn’t permanent. I was able to do CPR until the paramedics came and shocked his heart back into rhythm. As a result he has an internal defibrillator.

Two big results of this traumatic experience are that I struggle with PTSD and Depression.

My PTSD caused nightmares at first where I would wake up screaming. I haven’t had any nightmares for a while now. If I hear any disturbance in PC’s sleep it causes me to wake up and sometimes I have flashbacks; though they are growing less frequent. Certain smells or images will also cause flashbacks. It makes it very difficult emotionally for me to leave PC overnight for any reason. I have panic attacks. I can’t think about this difficult time without an emotional response.

Early 2009, I started to sink into a deep depression. I stopped many of the activities I enjoy like writing, reading and taking pictures. I withdrew emotionally from my friends. I quit “fighting.” I no longer felt the need to defend myself or defend issues that were important to me. I felt so hollow and empty inside. I prayed and read the Bible but felt disconnected and lonely. In retrospect, I wish I had the courage to talk to my friends about how I felt.

My co-workers noticed the change in my mood. I didn’t realize how much my mood reflected my soul until now when they comment that they’re glad to have the old Anna back.

I assume that PC’s heart stopping and the PTSD caused my depression. I was prone to occasional down moods but never had such a long dark period in my life.

It took me a while to realize that something was wrong with my mood. When I finally realized that I wasn’t doing the things I enjoyed and that I wasn’t happy or excited about things anymore, I knew I needed to do something. I did pray whenever I felt my dark moods coming. I prayed for rescue and deliverance. I forced myself to do the things I used to enjoy, even if I didn’t find enjoyment in them at that moment. I talked to my husband about my depression. My mood started to lift and I started to enjoy life again. I still had dark moods, but they were becoming less frequent.

In December we found out that we are pregnant.

I am aware that after the baby is born that I could relapse or suffer from postpartum depression. I now recognize the warning signs to let me know something is not right. If I find that I’m slipping I know that I need to force myself to do the things I love even when I don’t feel like it, to exercise, and to talk to my friends who can walk beside me and hold me up when I need help. I pray the dark moods stay away, but if they come, I am better equipped to combat them.

I am not a professional and none of the advice is professional advice. If you are struggling with depression or PTSD, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts, it is important to find help as soon as possible. I do not recommend trying to fight it on your own, like I tried to. Don’t let depression steal your light.