Today, we embark on a new journey. Yes, today we get to finally meet the 30 dashing yet extremely desperate dudes who will vie for Emily’s cold and bitter heart. Here’s my three things to look for:

1) Will we have a great villain a la Bentley from Ashley Five Head’s season? Yes, we all sorta hated him but boy every time he was on screen I was glued to my seat. Watching Bentley toy with Ashley was like watching a 5 car pile up: painful to watch, but let’s be honest, we all hope to see at least one explosion and one man on fire running from the blaze.

2) Can anyone top Lindzi’s horse entrance from last year? We all know that first impressions stick, so which idiot will ride in on something other than a limo? Maybe a Harley? Maybe a sweet yellow camaro convertible? I know if I was a contestant, I’d find the biggest dog around and ride him in and then say “right now, I may be riding this bitch, but by the end of the season, I’ll be riding you”.

3) Emily’s butt. She’s got a good butt. I’m looking forward to watching it.

Tune in tomorrow as we give you the full scoop on what you missed, what we learned, and who’s the early favorite!

The actual episode was pretty by the book but I’ll throw down the highlights: Ben started the episode staring at the Swiss skyline, commenting that the monumental mountains were representative of this monumental moment for him. Thanks for that, Ben. He also let us know that he needed more time with Lindzi to know if she could be a good match – hold the phone – 6 weeks of scattered interaction isn’t enough for you??? I’d say the fact that she is acting hesitant is a good thing rather than some needy girl who is talking about kids. Luckily, we got to hear David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” for the fifth time of the season, but I’m pretty sure that was his song with Kacie B. Another cruel jab by Ben post Kacie dismissal/train wreck.

Ah, yes the ugly Flajnik sister. Glad to see you dressed up in various MuMu’s for the camera. If the camera adds 10 pounds, I think Ben’s sister had 5 cameras following her for days before shooting. Despite her butt-ugliness, Ben cried like a huge poosy when his family came, reminding us all that he does have a heart, unlike his future fiancé. Ben asked his mom and sister to make the girls vulnerable (which I think they misheard as uncomfortable). Ben’s sister asked if the girls disliked anyone in particular, which got me really excited for a showdown of “That’s a huge red flag” vs “She banged me in the ocean!.” But alas, she was all talk and totally bought Courtney’s uninspiring explanation for her wicked witch of the mansion behavior.

Ben took Lindzi skiing for the first time, which sounds like the worst date ever to me. This was after her awkward encounter with the family, though in the end they thought she was sweet. Her butt looked great as always. Despite Lindzi’s err of down to earth-ness, the family still endorsed Courtney. According to the mom, she must be very strong and secure and have a lot of depth to be a model – clearly this is a woman that nobody should take advice from. She seems dumber than Samantha the prom queen/donkeyface. Are we talking about the same Courtney that uses baby talk constantly and hasn’t made a substantial comment that wasn’t self-serving all season? I hope not. When she asked Ben if he liked her in the voice of an eleven year-old, I thought Chris Hanson was going to pop out with the To Catch a Predator crew. I’m sure they have some arrangement with Chris Harrison given all the times he’s probably been caught in those chatrooms.

Courtney once again brought up that she has never trusted a man before, because they always treat her poorly. Either the Hollywood director/actress dynamic is EXACTLY as I perceive it to be, or Courtney was the inspiration to a Law & Order SVU episode. Luckily they got to bond in a “helichopper” (kill me) where Ben once again assured us the relationship was “reaching new heights.” Thanks again, Ben. Then Courtney gave Ben a present that resembled Blakely’s Ben-Book, though slightly less creepy. But her note certainly was – anticipating children when you’re still on the chopping block? Come on, Courtney. She signed it appropriately: “All my love – C.” Which stands for Crazy Cu**.

Ah picking out the rings – Ben said it felt completely different this time. But like last time, he looked like an even bigger jackass with this proposal, but America doesn’t feel sorry for him anymore. We got to see Lindzi take the long walk of empty hope, saying “This is the moment girls dream of.” Nope. Seeya, Lindzi. Youre better off anyway, but oh no, you ruined it by saying “If it doesn’t work out, call me.” You just lost all your cards over the swiss alps and you look like a fool. Who knew Dumpsville was also a town in Switzerland? Population is still you.

Thanks for shaving for the interview, Ben. You look homeless. And I guess they ran out of normal-sized shirts at the store this week. Youre a cheater?!?!? Who knew he was a scumbag? Fantastic news considering he had the perfect excuse. She looked like terrible on TV, so you needed some space. That would be fine but then you deny it! No one believes that for a second, and all of Courtney’s side looks to the camera lacked the old confidence and displayed a look of “Somebody save me – he’s actually a monster!” We did not get to hear from Lindzi; perhaps she jumped out of the helichopper on her fly of shame.

So why would Ben pick Courtney pre-robot discovery?
1) Courtney is not a crazy horse girl like Lindzi. You can take the girl out of the stable, but you can never take the batshit crazy out of a horsegirl.

2) Courtney has pictures like this on the internet that I’m sure Ben saw. Also he got an even better look under the moonlight.

3) Ben was clearly a loser in high school and wants to stick it to the cool kids that shoved him in lockers for four years. Just because you were engaged to a model for 2 months doesn’t erase those days you got your ass duct-taped to a toilet by the Mathletes.

These are surely the reasons that Ben picked Courtney with blinders on, and why some lucky guy in Seattle will get to eat the Lindzi scraps off of ABC’s floor (I see at least one more text breakup in her future )

Ultimately, Ben realized that Courtney would be a horrible wife (i.e. you could never have her around your friends and family that are already teetering on cutting you out of their lives for actin’ a fool on ABC) and I’m sure he did the research to know robots can’t raise children. I can only hope, Bentley (read: most interesting part of Ashley Fivehead’s season) and Courtney meet up because they deserve each other.

I will still be blindly rooting for Lindzi, I just don’t think its in the cards based on the new information at hand. I guess we’ll all find out on Monday… Take care til then, AFTB

- BB