When did this happen? Um, these crotch shots are quite distracting from the luxury handbags and underwear you are trying to sell me. Advertisers, what were you thinking?

Ladies [and gentleman] please keep it together - literally.

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It has been awhile since I posted and I apologize to my reader for that. Frankly I went blank. Nothing was amusing me and I did not feel like ranting about my bizarre rituals or idiosyncrasies for the next post. I had almost given up when I saw something quite beautiful. I saw a redneck on the side of the road with his Chihuahua. I say beautiful because each of these creatures fit every possible stereotype spoken of their type. The redneck had a mullet and was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that fit everywhere but the gut, and coupled it with an offensively orange mesh hat. He had on camo cut off shorts, highway patrol sunglasses, and a fanny pack. He honestly was just missing a beer in his hand. He was perfection. Then next to him was his pristine little chihuahua. This little, fragile creature was white with a black dog collar on and looked like he rarely touched the ground.

This sight made me smile. It made me think that maybe this is a sign of better times on the horizon. Perhaps this redneck and chihuahua were showing me that we can all live harmoniously together. If rednecks and Chihuahuas can co-exist together, then certainly the rest of us can.

I pictured him carrying that chihuahua around in his fanny pack calling all of his peeps on his Nextel to come to his shin-dig. It was all very Paris Hilton except with less crotch shots, more ass crack and an inordinate amount of body hair. The man might have been wearing a sweater under his t-shirt.

My point is this. It was really, really hilarious and I wish that I would have taken a picture. My other point is that he reminded me that we, as stereotypes, as a nation, as a species and as individuals, are never so easily defined. This man and his chihuahua reminded me that people can continue to surprise you, and not always in the icky sort of way. They were a reminder to take a minute before you judge, or they were giving me fair warning of the Apocalypse. Either way, it made my day.

Naomi Campbell forgot to wear panties when she was dancing on the upper tier. Someone caught some naughty shots of her.

Click Read More to view the Pics

I have to thank my friend Ramblin’ Rooster for this one, because his hilarious post ‘Emergency List’ jogged my mind enough to remember some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever done. It always starts with one long forgotten incident and a whole past life of idiocy comes flooding back.

I’ve earned my wings

When I was about 7, I thought it might be a great idea to try my hand at flight. I remember thinking, “the birds can do it, and I’m smarter than a bird, so I can do it!” So I duct taped a combination of cardboard, styrofoam, paper, and plastic sheeting to every conceivable square inch of my body. Then I climbed a tree to a neighbors garage, and with a running leap, I dove off like I was Greg Louganis on a 75ft. dive. After furiously flapping my arms for .7 of a second, I hit the ground very, very, hard. Luckily I was able to walk away with only bruised ribs, a couple stitches, and a newfound love for painkillers. Turns out I’m not smarter than a bird.

Getting Pissy

I was 16, it was summertime, and we drank beer constantly. A week before football practice was due to start up, I had tried weed for the first time. I didn’t really get high, I just kept asking the girl I was with, “am I high yet?” I guess I thought she’d know. Then I found out that we were going to be drug tested for the first time at the beginning of the school year.  Now I have a problem.

But I came up with a solution! I got my friend to piss in a baggie, which I then taped to my inner thigh/groin area. This will keep it warm and also be in the right spot to look normal if someone is standing behind me come test time. I also strategically placed a large pin in the fold of my jeans so that I could easily puncture the baggie, and ‘urinate’ gloriously drug free pee! I’m a genius!

I had no idea what time the drug test would be so I had to have ‘all systems go’ from the 7:30 start of school. Let me tell you, it’s impossible to walk around with another persons pee, plus a large, metal, sharp object right next to your junk, without getting really self conscious about it.

Now I’m walking around a high school, shuffling and limping, like I had hurt balls. This caused an irresistible attraction to every adolescent boy within range to come and try to kick or knee me in the sack. Things kept deteriorating from there until I sprung a slow leak and had to abandon the whole operation, go to the gym, and shower.  

It turned out that the test had just been a rumor and everything was now right with the world. Except since very few people knew the truth behind that day, I had earned the nicknames ‘blueballs’ and ‘softnuts,’ and also had to fend off the random ‘crotch shot’  for the next few months.   

Drag Race

Don’t let the name of this fool you. I don’t actually know anything about cars. I don’t know anything about dirt bikes either.

I was 14 or 15 and hanging out with an unbelievably hot girl that I was always looking to impress. She had a friend who was a junior mechanic of sorts, and had come over with a souped up mini dirt bike. The fact that the friend was a girl made me 3 times more likely to act stupid, out-macho her, and get really hurt.

Fully armed with zero knowledge of engines, or gears, I figured I’d impress them both with my athletic prowess and taming of the mini-beast. That I was a city boy and had never even seen someone ride a dirt bike didn’t enter my mind.

I stood up over this short, little, metal thing, and before I could even sit down, I lock onto the handle bars (which included the accelerator) with a vice like grip. The little bastard bike takes off like a bat out of hell, and drags me along with it. The back tire is grinding along my crotch nicely. My mind commanded my hands to let go but my hands held on in a kung-fu death grip. As a hole was quickly burning its way through my jeans, I was finally able to let go and fall free, but not before slamming my face into the spinning tire.

The bike ended up 100 yards away in a pool of gas and oil. I ended up 50 yards away in a pool of blood, smoldering denim, and pride. I had a lot of cuts and bruises, brush burn on my face, and really sore, hot balls.

Believe it or not I never did get the girl, but I’m still friends with her to this day! That’s what a little physical comedy will do!

-I really do owe a huge dept of gratitude to Rooster. If I never have another good idea for a humor blog, I could just recount the idiotic shit I’ve done. It is worth years of material!

Please compare the very important person on the left (L.D.) to the not-so-important peon on the right.

Okay, we all know that LARPers are targets of many jokes. We’ve all seen ‘Role Models’ (and if you haven’t, you really should). Here’s a question that takes courage to answer:

Have you had any embarrassing LARP moments? Did you accidentally execute a flawless crotch shot on a male player who neglected to wear a cup? Or perhaps you were that player.

El Somnambulo on Delaware Liberal announces that Bob Venables and others are preparing to propose a Marriage Protection Act: SB 27… This will limit marriage to a relationship between a man and a women..

Once again, Bob and his group are more worried about protecting their own assholes, than they are about the needs of their constituents…

Their priorities are ass backwards… When you can show me protection all children abused in heterosexual marriages, when you can show me protection for all women beaten on a regular bases in heterosexual messages, when you can show me a plummeting divorce rate especially in heterosexual marriages, then heterosexual marriage might sound like an institution worthy of protection…

But it until then, in their twisted moralism, they are serving to protect child abuse, wife beating, and painful divorce ….

Living in their cultist enclaves may make them unaware of how the rest of the world lives.. We think it is time they stop worrying about other people’s vaginas and assholes and instead focus ….. on helping people.

lol.

“Sometime’s I feel like, someone is watching me…”

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You may be drunk, you may be caught in a candid pose, but ladies, ladies, I implore you, CHECK YOUR DRESS!

I love how it's lime green and fuzzy, like a Popple!

If you are the photographer, have the decency to check the photos you upload onto Facebook. Because, as Obama speechwriter Jon Favreau has learned, those pictures, even if deleted from the Fb, are never deleted from the Fb servers, and you’ll either get:

• A flurry of comments from people who were not present that night.
• A hasty string of messages from the girl whose vaginal integrity is in question.
• Both.

Take that as a lesson in How the Internet Works.

Special thanks to Tich for this important addition to the Rules of Clubbing. Him and his Yelper buddies ripped the photo a new one here. And, if you are feeling so inclined, here’s the original Fb pic – Allegedly the girl has left both Facebook and MySpace, so now it’s like a limited edition!

Editor’s Note: Before you try to call Photoshop on this, see the short li’l dress here. (Sans cooch, sorry.) It is not Photoshopped. And even if it was, the Photoshopped version is probably safer than what the actual picture could have been.

This, on the other hand, is Photoshopped:

See? You don't have to sacrifice the entire photo because of one poorly angled subject.

And this type of activity is exactly what I prescribe when you find a crotch shot in your clubbing historian files.

America needs every citizen to stand up on that day… Voting is just one half… The other half is being on the lookout for voter fraud…  If “We The People” are going to run this country, our vote needs to matter…  If someone can make up vote totals, then what’s the point… we might as well live in Myanmar….

The potential to steal the election is huge, because of our reliance upon electronics…..The potential to keep it honest and above board… is also huge…again because of electronics….

Manipulating votes is illegal… People serve time in jail for doing so… Therefore it must take place where there is no public scrutiny…  Just like roaches, vote manipulation takes place in the dark… or in black boxes…

Here are steps all geeks should take to monitor those who monitor elections…

First… use your camera phone to record your voting experience… if you have data that is even something slightly suspicious… YouTube it…  email others to the link….  Some things you should be aware of… someone setting the machine before you vote… whether your vote is totaled in the counter, whether the vote you push is the one you want…(especially on miscalibrated machines), whether election officials arrive to “check” the machines and replace cartridges, record anyone who is challenged in front or behind you (it could be legit, record it and post it)…

There is great fear among extremists that they will lose all links to representation… Some may believe they are doing their patriotic duty to throw the election…..  But Americans have the right to elect who they wish… Violating that principle goes against the basis of freedom itself… That is why it is against the law…

Being caught is their greatest fear….A lengthy trial, and prison term will decimate their finances, basically ruin any good that would have come from the election’s changed outcome…..  With electronic data on file in every voters cell phone, if something were to be investigated at a later date…(five years from now even.)….a wealth of evidence could be solicited…. and with certainty, they could serve their sentence….

Small digital Cameras, with video functions, are also a great asset…  Make sure you have a spare set of batteries if your lines are long….

Special attention needs to be paid to districts with low turnout… That is where manipulation will occur due to the few number of witnesses..

No election official has the right to take your camera… if someone is filming you to intimidate you, (you can tell by their demeanor) that too is illegal.. Film him doing so and report that act of intimidation to an official of the Department of Elections… That intimidator can serve jail time too.

Finally after all voting is over…. fight “black box control”.  Remember that everywhere across this great nation, our elections are staffed and run by citizen volunteers… People for whatever reason gave up one day of their lives to insure that we all get the opportunity to do our civic duty… Of course some of those can be plants, but on a national scale, the number of those that get through… will be small at best… As we saw in Ohio 04, the election will be stolen from where the totals accumulate… Geeks everywhere need to monitor pivotal states… No matter from which partisan side you are monitoring… If the server address changes…. record it… report it on a live forum.. Allow others to witness it in real time…  (Some may remember that Ohio’s Department of Elections header switched to SmartTechCorp.net during tabulations of Ohio’s Kerry votes, and SmartTechcorp.net held the servers for the White House email account of gwb43.com as well as the RNC files of Ohio, New Hampshire, and several other closely contested states…)

Watch for it, record it, post it…

Electronic monitoring is a voter’s best defense…  As long as the law is still on our side, we can prosecute those who wrongfully violate the principles of America’s freedom….

So as a citizen of this great nation…. do you duty…. give them nowhere to hide……

Unfortunately I am a human being… And that makes me emotional.

I get an emotional charge, either positive or negative, when someone or something is associated with someone I deeply dig, or detest. Back when both Paris Hilton and Sarah Palin come out in favor of Obama’s renewable energy plan, various emotions that I still do not wholly understand, bubbled up and said “ Oo La La” and suddenly Obama looks favorable to me…

But when I hear a loser Vice Presidential candidate contend that Obama was hanging around terrorists, the opposite occurs. The person making the charge suddenly looks r-e-a-l-l-y stupid. We’re just hearing about this now? Obviously the truth in this case is being stretched to score points and nothing else. One must ask why? What are they trying to hide?

Are they trying to hide that Sarah Palin is not capable of running the country?

Are they trying to hide that McCain’s tax breaks to the wealthy only perpetuates today’s problem?

Are they trying to hide the fact that Iraq, was a 10 billion a month error in the wrong direction?

Are they trying to hide the fact that trickle down economics siphons money away from average Joes?

Are they trying to hide the fact that McCain’s platform is just like Bush’s in 2000?

Are they trying to hide the fact that the Vice President candidate will be indicted by Alaska’s legislature?

Are they trying to hide the fact that McCain’s energy policy does not work?

Are they trying to hide the fact that McCain is as old as Brezhnev was four years before he died?

Of course they are.

Obama said it best. “I don’t see how I can be held accountable for something that someone I know, did when I was 4 years old.”

Of course as long as there are Republicans there will be those stupid people who think any Democrat should be held accountable for everything…

But that same stupid person will argue just as vociferously that incidents like joining a secessionist party, and espousing violence to secede from this country, are commendable… That associating with lobbyists who buy influence for certain legislative tidbits, proves the greatness of the American Way…. Hey, why not use them to run one’s campaign? What a great idea? That bringing up race, and pointing fingers at “that one” to play on America’s fears and drive people to the polls, is a commendable practice because it works in scaring white voters.

But using guilt by association is a two way sword… Allow me to turn the tables and show you exactly what I mean.

John McCain touts his experience. (This same scenario will also hold up for Biden). He has been in Congress for a long time.. Long enough to have worked closely with Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, and even Robert Byrd from West Virginia. All of who fought integration early on.. All of who were at one time extremely prejudiced… One even admitting he was a member of the KKK…. McCain met with them, voted in sync with them, joked around with them…. but never did he take to the floor and denounce them publicly and shun them for their past intolerance. If the same standard Sarah Palin is trying to apply with tying Ayers to Obama, were also to be applied to John McCain…. he should have…

Reality is this: Ayers like Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, and Robert Byrd, has overcome his faults and is working for the good of the country. Why are we suddenly singling just him out of the rouge’s gallery?

Simple.

The Republicans are worried about their base. They are not even trying to win the election… They are trying to scrounge up enough votes to still be viable four years from now. They are struggling to still keep their core constituency strongly committed to voting on November 4th, and not settling down at home and saying ” Ah, forget about it…” They are beating the drums of fear, because they see the possibility of a 80 – 20 loss this term… as well they should.

The war in Afghanistan is tubing.
The stock market is crashing.
Pensions are free falling to ground level.
We are spending money we do not have at rates we cannot afford.
America is at the mercy of energy speculators.
America is at the mercy of Chinese note holders.
American’s have lost 35% of their retirement IRA’s and Keogh’s in just two weeks.
American’s homes average 40% less then they did at this time last year.
We have a Vice Presidential candidate who embarrasses the nation each time she’s interviewed.
We have a Republican candidate who in four years will be as old as Brezhnev was when he died.
The Republican candidate’s economic adviser played a major part in our financial downfall.

Americans after just 8 years, are now turning over a debtor nation to their children, far worse than the one that their parents once gave to them…..

So the reason for Sarah Palin’s tactic is clear….

It should be clear to all, that we cannot afford Republicans. Everything they touch… falls apart.

Courtesy of PhillyPhotos.

Anyone who has ever been to Tony’s for a cheesesteak, knows that until one is fed, one simply doesn’t think correctly.. Therefore for a Temple student to question our next president on whether or not we should go into Pakistan to flush out terrorists, before she has even had one bite, is unconscionable.  (lol).

No one should be asked such an important foreign policy question before they have taken a bite out of a delicious Philly styled cheesestake on a roll with carmalized fried onions….  It should be against Federal Law.

But its not, and someone did..

And Sarah in trying to get the obnoxious, ugly, pus-ridden, (see video) gag-reflex inhibitor, annoying character out of her pretty face, answered his question unprepped, speaking strictly from the heart…

It was of course the wrong answer, according to John McCain, and the right answer according to Obama….

McCain in his way of telling her, “don’t bother your pretty little head with issues, us men will handle them”….responded for her…  He spoke for her and said that she had misspoke…

Of course she misspoke… she was waiting for a cheesesteak at Tony’s for heaven’s sake…  At least give her the dignity to speak for herself, instead of having “the campaign” do it for her…..

A short list of what women everywhere should be asking?

Can McCain speak for women when they don’t agree with him?

Under this cloud of Women’s issues, should McCain just “let her go” to “do her thing”?

Not being apologetic and not being defensive, would that endear McCain to more women voters?

Try as he might, can McCain ever show himself to allow women the right to think for themselves?

Photo Courtesy of CBC

I was debating to fight the urge or not….I had just learned that the National Enquirer had leaked (yeah right) that Sarah Palin had an affair with her husband’s business partner in his private car-wash deal…

She has left the mainland and is in Alaska for a week her publicist says…

I noticed that no one else had published anything on either side of the issue, and was debating titling a post beginning with the word “breaking”.

Normally I skip over those “breaking” posts, but everything about Sarah is news; (did I mention she was hot).

But while I was pondering whether to send it or not, a link came in from a new source… Pinging back I read this article…..

Whoa… This sounds like me I first thought… It certainly uses the argument I firmly fought for when Americas thought sex acts were a cause for impeachment…..

And it dawned on me… I really don’t care who Sarah went down on before she was a government official… If she can govern adequately, more power to her… If she can govern superlatively, then I would recommend even more promiscuity…. If a video turns up, and she donates the proceeds to diminish the Federal Debt, I hope it goes global… If she can spend a night with billionaires willing to fork up 100 billion towards our debt, more power to her…..

Of course…I’m exaggerating… But I can get away with it because she is so hot. Imagine it I said the same thing with McCain as the subject….(Block visual image)…

But what goes on in her husband’s friend’s car or bedroom does not help me pay for the high cost of energy; it does not help me pay for insurance’ it does not help me pay for prescriptions; it does not help me pay for food; it does not help me pay for sewage; it does not help me pay for taxes…..

So her sexual escapades, although titillating (did I mention she was hot) have no relevance on whether my life continues to get better…. or worse….

So what are her plans to lower insurance. What are her plans to lower prescription costs? What are her plans to reduce our debt payments to foreign nations? What are her plans to make us an exporter nation again? What are her plans to give me more disposable income than I have today?

“Call-it” is right… We bloggers (both sides) are the leading intellectual source of information in this state…. If we put first graders in a class about sexual promiscuity, they will learn about sexual promiscuity…Teach them about “the fun stuff”, and they will learn… It is the teachers who control the curriculum…. They have a responsibility to keep to the high road…

So, I took Call-It’s link as a omen not to publish the trash I was about to send… I hit delete…and it was gone…. Although I still secretly continued to wonder whether there is a video out there, Perhaps originally a secret forever, until the price tags crossed over several million dollars…. I kept it to myself….

Americans have sex…. That is no secret…. otherwise there would be no children….and no orgasms.

Final point…. I once argued vociferously with my Republican friends who were so incensed that oral sex went on in the White House. I told them to forget about it and enjoy the prosperity that came with a balanced budget… something I thought I would NEVER see in my lifetime…. but…there it was… Balanced.

Looking over such miracles to force a scandal out in the open, was foolish I told them… they would soon learn I was right I warned them…. Eager for power, they laughed.

Today, they worship the ground i walk on…. When they need advice, they call me….

Kilroy effectively breaks down Bill Lee’s message into bytes we can absorb.

For a view of the master at work……..