Because I am a devout word nerd, I play Words with Friends. This is the one and only online game I do play and it is just with the Bride. We like it because we can play around her hectic schedule without time constraints. Bob, otoh, loves to play Suduko by himself on his iPad, in the travel magazine or wherever he can find a puzzle. We were both sitting on a US Air flight out of Charlotte, NC recently when the attendant announced that passengers should turn off their electronic devices. My cell was off and stowed away but I kept reading on my Kindle, thinking that because it was not connected by wifi at the time it would not interfere with avionics…wrong. Well actually pilot Bob said it wouldn’t, but I listened to the attendant when she specifically told me to “Turn It Off!” We had a very nice exchange actually – and this was after experiencing a rough pat down at the security gate.

What’s the take away? We have no rights people when we buy a commercial airline ticket. We agree to be mauled, xrayed and treated like cattle, “You, that line, you wait over here….” But I would like to propose that airline attendants receive specialized training in social skills, in anger management, in plain old fashioned courtesy. In fact we may all benefit from reading a book my psychologist brother Jim told me about, “Crucial Conversations.”

“Learn how to keep your cool and get the results you want when emotions flare. When stakes are high, opinions vary…” Start with your heart, oh and Happy Holidays. No I’m not ready for Christmas just in case you thought of asking….

I’ll go back to my Ursula K. LeQuin and sentences like this, “Sacrifice might be demanded of the individual, but never compromise: for though only the society could give security and stability, only the individual, the person, had the power of moral choice – the power of change, the essential function of life.  The Odonian society was conceieved as a permanent revolution, and revolution begins in the thinking mind.” (Quoted from The Dispossessed).

They are both getting to the same thought – that you have to speak your mind and stand up for what you see as truth to get anything accomplished.  I just much prefer Ms. LeQuin’s way of saying it.

Below are excerpts from the book that I found particularly insightful, and that summarize the tools presented:

1- “Master your crucial conversations and you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health. As you and others master high-stakes discussions, you’ll also vitalize your organization and your community.”

2- “We’re simply suggesting that whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice – whoever makes it.”

3- “Start With Heart…Work on Me First…Focus on What You Really Want…Refuse the Sucker’s Choice”

4- “Learn to Look…To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look. – Learn to look at content and conditions. -Look for when things become crucial. -Learn to watch for safety problems. -Look to see if others are moving towards silence or violence. -Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.”

5- “Make it safe…Step Out…Decide which condition of safety is at risk -Mutual purpose – Mutual Respect…Apologize when appropriate…Contrast to fix misunderstanding…CRIB to get mutual purpose -Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. – Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. -Invent a Mutual Purpose. -Brainstorm new strategies.”

6- “Master my stories…Retrace your path -Get in touch with your feelings. -Analyze your stories. -Get back to the facts. -Watch for clever stories…Tell the Rest of the story.”

7- “State my path…Share your facts…Tell your story…Ask for others’ paths…Talk tentatively…Encourage testing.”

8- “Explore others’ paths…-Ask. – Mirror. -Paraphrase. -Prime. -Agree. -Build. -Compare.”

9- “Move to action…-Command. -Consult. -Vote. -Consensus.”

10- “Establish new and higher expectations. Don’t deal with a specific instance; deal with the overall pattern. If you want someone to show more initiative, tell him or her. Give specific examples of when the person rain into a barrier and then backed off after a single try. Raise the bar and then make it crystal clear what you’ve done. Jointly brainstorm what the person could have done to be both more persistent and more creative in coming up with a solution.”

11- “Transfer tips…-First, master the content. -Second, master the skills. -Third, enhance your motive. -Fourth, watch for cues.”

Regards,

Omar Halabieh

Crucial Conversations

Significant controversy has been brewing over two earlier blog posts:  “9-11-01:  The Day I Discovered God Likes to Tell Secrets” and “Warning #1 to All Christians:  God Says We’re Entering the Year of Simple Math”.  I’ve received many supportive and opposing responses to both.  One opposing response from Scott alleges the warning is a false prophecy and The Salvation Equation is not supported by the Bible.  Scott’s email generated much discussion on another site.  I believe it deserves an open reply on my blog, so I’ve devoted two new blog posts to the discussion.

Would You Rather Be “Really Educated” or “Really Saved?” is an open question to all.  An Open Letter to Scott directly addresses his email which is presented below in its entirety along with my response.  Scott and I disagree on many points, but we agree on one key point.  We have an obligation to openly debate biblical doctrine particularly when we find erroneous teaching.  That is why I’ve invested the time to respond to the points in his email in considerable detail.

The intent of my response isn’t to prove that I’m right.  It’s to prove that Jesus is right and that anyone teaching biblical doctrine that contradicts what Jesus said is unequivocally wrong.  While this response is addressed to Scott, it is written for the benefit of those interested in knowing what the Bible says and for those who recognize the urgency of sharing it with others.

Here’s the bottom line:  Read and study the Bible for yourself.  When you discover a difference between your doctrine and what the Bible says, there’s a simple solution – assume the Bible is correct and change your doctrine.

Scott’s Unedited Email

Karen -

With all due respect, your message is NOT from the Holy Spirit and is thus a false prophesy. The reason I can confidently say so is that your requirement of both “speaking in tongues” and Baptism in order to be saved is not supportable by God’s holy Scripture.

We are saved by grace, through faith in Christ alone (this faith causes our repentance) – see Ephesians 2:8-9.

Further, our infilling with the Holy Spirit is a RESULT of salvation, not a CAUSE for it.

Finally, our baptism with water is a public testimony to our faith – specifically tetifying to others re: what has already occurred – (i.e., our salvation) – again, it is not the cause of our salvation.

Your prophetic word has been tested against the perfection and clarity of Scripture and has failed the test. Please repent of your false prophesy and search the Scriptures directly (rather than “listening” to this type of “leading”) to understand the truth of what I have written.

I pray you come to see your error…

Scott

My Response

Scott -

First, most of your points quite simply contradict the Bible.  Second, I’m concerned that you would lead others to hang their understanding of the requirements for salvation on a single scripture.  Further, it is irresponsible to use that scripture out of context to contradict what Jesus himself taught about salvation.  Finally, when we teach, we need to stick to the script.  Don’t teach what we want the Bible to say.  Don’t teach what our favorite theologians told us the Bible says.  Teach what the Bible says.

Here are my responses to your comments:

Comment:  “With all due respect, your message is NOT from the Holy Spirit and is thus a false prophesy.”

Response:

1. I stated there is an urgent warning from the LORD for Christians to give prompt attention to ensuring we have done what is required by the Bible to secure our salvation.
2. I listed four requirements and provided multiple scriptures to support each.
3. I provided an account of my 9/11/01 warning as a point of reference.
4. I stand behind everything I said.

Comment:  “The reason I can confidently say so is that your requirement of both “speaking in tongues” and Baptism in order to be saved is not supportable by God’s holy Scripture.”

Response:

1. In John 3:1-5  Jesus states that being born of the Spirit is a requirement for salvation.
2. At the end of his ministry he told his disciples that soon after his departure the Holy Ghost would come to baptize them with the Spirit.  He instructed them to wait in Jerusalem until they received the baptism that would give them “power” (Act 1:4-9).  He also explained how they would be able to identify those who have been baptized and believed.  He said, “they shall speak with new tongues.”  The “requirement” is to be born of the Spirit.  Speaking with new tongues is the “evidence” that the requirement has been met.  (Mark 16:9-20).
3. Why did Jesus tell his disciples to look for evidence?  No one had yet been born of the Spirit and Jesus knew the disciples had no idea what to look for.  Since anyone can (and many do) claim to have been born of the Spirit, Jesus told them to look for the evidence.  The evidence of water baptism is that you will be dripping wet from head to toe.  Jesus said the evidence of being born of the Spirit is that you will speak with new tongues.  Jesus also knew he was sending unlearned and ignorant men (Acts 4:13) into the world to stand against the Pharisees and Sadducees.  They were eloquent and persuasive theologians and religious leaders who sounded like they knew what they were talking about.  So Jesus made it easy for the disciples and other new believers to identify and prove who truly had the Spirit of God.  They will speak with new tongues and have the power of God’s Spirit.
4. After Jesus told them what evidence to look for, he confirmed it with signs (Mark 16:20).  When the Holy Ghost arrived at Pentecost (Acts 2:1-4) and thereafter it is clear that those who were born of the Spirit and received the gift of the Holy Ghost spoke in tongues just as Jesus said they would.  Acts 4 gives further evidence of the differentiating power that Jesus said would be present in those born of the Spirit.
5. Further, when someone who should have had the Holy Ghost had no evidence it, the disciples asked one simple question to determine why (Acts 19:1-6).  They got their answer, fixed the problem, laid hands on the people and they received the gift of the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues.  How did the disciples know what to ask?  They had consistently seen “evidence” that what Jesus said was true.  If people are properly baptized and believe, they will receive the Holy Ghost and they will speak in tongues (Acts 10:44-48).
6. Jesus taught it.  Paul taught it.  Jude taught it.  Anyone who taught the complete gospel of Jesus Christ got it and taught it.
7. Paul taught that those born of the Spirit pray with “groanings that cannot be uttered.”  (Romans 8:26).
8. Paul also said these two things of himself: “What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, and I will pray with the understanding also: I will sing with the spirit, and I will sing with the understanding also.” (1 Corinthians 14:15) “I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all:” (1 Corinthians 14:18).
9. Jude, in Jude 1:19-20, describes those who do not have God’s Spirit.  He then instructs those who do have the Spirit to pray in the Holy Ghost.  Clearly the expectation is that anyone with the Spirit can pray in the Holy Ghost.
10. Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost is a promise God makes to all believers (Luke 24:49); (Acts 1:4); (Acts 2:3-39).  If you want it, God will give it to you and you will speak in tongues.  However, Jesus made it abundantly clear that if you don’t believe it, you can’t receive it.  It’s that simple.
11. Revisit the scriptures in “Warning to All Christians:  God Says We’re Entering the Year of Simple Math” to understand the importance of ensuring you have really been born of the Spirit.  Then quickly believe it so you can quickly receive it.  It’s not optional.
12. Note:  I have received comments and questions about how receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost relates to what is written in 1 Corinthians 12, 13 and 14 regarding speaking in tongues.  That topic requires more detail than I can cover in this already lengthy blog post.  I will address it in a separate post and will provide the link (here) when it’s posted.

Response:

1. Water baptism is absolutely a requirement for salvation.
2. When Nicodemus asked Jesus what is required to be saved, ^“Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”  (John 3:1-5).
3. Jesus led by example.  He was baptized in water.  When he rose from the water, he was born of the Spirit when the Spirit of God descended upon him.  Immediately after his baptisms (water and Spirit) God gave His approval of Jesus. (Matthew 3:13-17).
4. At the end of his ministry, this is what Jesus told his disciples:  “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.”  (Mark 16:15-16)
5. Jesus taught it.  Paul taught it (Romans 6:3-4).  Peter taught it.  We are saved by baptism (1 Peter 3:21).
6. Further, the disciples only baptized “in the name of Jesus.”  The record shows that those who were not properly baptized the first time were baptized a second time “in the name of Jesus.”  (Acts 19:1-5)
7. The Bible has fully persuaded me that both water baptism in the name of Jesus and being born of the Spirit (which is evidenced by speaking in tongues) are required to secure our salvation.

Comment:  “We are saved by grace, through faith in Christ alone (this faith causes our repentance) – see Ephesians 2:8-9.”

Response:

1. The record above clearly shows that Jesus said there are other requirements for salvation.
2. I find no evidence that faith causes our repentance and Ephesians 2:8-9 does not support that position.
3. I fully agree that we are saved by grace.  We must also obey what the Bible says to receive the gift of salvation.  When we win a free gift in a raffle drawing, someone provides a free gift and makes it available to the holder of the winning ticket.  That is grace.  However, the winner must present to winning ticket to claim the gift.  That is obedience.  God offers us salvation as a free gift of His grace and we must obey His requirements to claim the gift.
4. The scripture you cited was taken out of context.  It doesn’t prove the point you’re attempting to make and your interpretation contradicts many other scriptures including the few noted below.
5. Paul, who wrote Ephesians, also wrote Romans.  Romans 6:14-17 makes it clear that we have an obligation to obey the doctrine that has been delivered to us including the doctrine of baptism which he addresses at the beginning of the same chapter (Romans 6:1-4).
6. (Hebrews 5:9) clearly states :  “And being made perfect, he [Jesus] became the author of eternal salvation unto all that obey him”
7. Hebrews 5:12-14 thru Hebrews 6:1-2  continues with a stern message, reprimanding those who should have been knowledgeable enough to teach but instead needed to be taught the fundamentals of Christian doctrine related to repentance, faith and baptisms (water and Spirit), etc.
8. So, are we saved by grace?  Absolutely – if we obey the doctrine and do what Jesus said is required for salvation.  No obedience – no salvation.

Comment:  “Further, our infilling with the Holy Spirit is a RESULT of salvation, not a CAUSE for it.”

Response:

1. As noted above, the infilling of the Holy Ghost must occur before we can consider ourselves saved.

Comment:  Finally, our baptism with water is a public testimony to our faith – specifically tetifying to others re: what has already occurred – (i.e., our salvation) – again, it is not the cause of our salvation.

Response:

1. Mark 1:4, Luke 3:3 and Acts 2:38 among other scriptures explicitly state the purpose of baptism is for the remission of sins.  Acts 22:14-16 also makes it clear the purpose of baptism is to wash away our sins.  I find no scripture that suggests baptism has anything to do with making a public testimony to others.
2. It has already been established that salvation couldn’t have already occurred if the baptism hasn’t yet occurred.

Comment:  “Your prophetic word has been tested against the perfection and clarity of Scripture and has failed the test. Please repent of your false prophesy and search the Scriptures directly (rather than “listening” to this type of “leading”) to understand the truth of what I have written.”

Response:

1. I fully agree that it has been tested against the perfection and clarity of scripture.  Where we disagree is on the grade.  It clearly passes the test.
2. I issued a warning and I stand firmly behind it.  Make sure you’re “really saved.”
3. I have diligently searched the Bible for myself and I would encourage all interested parties to do the same.
4. I have also diligently searched for truth in what you have written as you requested. Where I found truth, I noted it.  Where I found error, I noted it.

Comment:  I pray you come to see your error…

Response:

1. I am fully persuaded that Jesus meant everything he said about what is required for salvation.  I pray that many others have come to the same conclusion.  I will leave those who choose to continue the debate to vigorously do so among themselves.  It will be good preparation for the final debate which will be with Jesus.

Copyright © 2011 Karen McNeil

Then, while on the road to Damascus with papers in hand to secure approval to kill more Christians, a funny thing happened.  He encountered Jesus.  The rest is history (Acts 9:1-31).  After one encounter with Jesus, he turned 180 degrees from being “really educated” about his doctrine to being “really saved” by the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He promptly dumped all his Pharisee buddies and turned from being a zealous Pharisee to being zealous for Jesus.  He then made a bunch of new friends and dedicated the rest of his life to traveling with them to preach the good news of the complete gospel of Jesus Christ to all who would listen.

Who were his new friends?  The same rag tag disciples he and his highly credentialed Pharisee friends once perceived as “unlearned and ignorant” (Acts 4:13-14).  But, after one encounter with Jesus, Paul discovered something his old friends simply couldn’t grasp.  His new Christian buddies might not have been “really educated,” but one thing was certain – they were “really saved” and they had the Holy Ghost power to prove it (Acts 3; Acts 4).

Let’s keep it simple.  The Bible does two basic things:

1. It gives simple instructions on how to get “really saved” so we can get into heaven.
2. It gives simple instructions on how to get “really educated” so we can be more like Jesus until we get there.

First let’s make sure we’re “really saved.”  Then let’s make sure we’re “really educated.”

_________________

What Prompted This Blog Post

Significant controversy has been brewing over two earlier blog posts:  “9-11-01:  The Day I Discovered God Likes to Tell Secrets” and “Warning to All Christians:  God Says We’re Entering the Year of Simple Math”.  I’ve received many supportive and opposing responses to both.  One opposing response from Scott alleges the warning is a false prophecy and The Salvation Equation is not supported by the Bible.  Scott’s email generated much discussion on another site.  I believe it deserves an open reply on my blog, so I’ve dedicated two new blog posts to the discussion.

This post, Would You Rather Be “Really Educated” or “Really Saved?” is an open question to all.  The second post, An Open Letter to Scott, directly addresses the points in Scott’s email.  In that post, his email is presented in its entirety along with my response.  Here’s the bottom line:  Read and study the Bible for yourself.  When you discover a difference between your doctrine and what the Bible says, there’s a simple solution – assume the Bible is correct and change your doctrine.

WHAT IS A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? What makes a conversation crucial?  To me, a crucial conversation is something that is necessary between husband and wife, parents and children, and between friends. This kind of conversation pertains to important things that guides our lives and our children’s lives. This is where important decisions and directions come out of. This is what a child remembers when he grows up. This is what lifts up a person when he is down.

I can remember when I had one with my oldest brother. When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I sort of ran away from the house (well, its just on the corner of the street where we used to live) because I was feeling so bad that I’m thinking that my parents don’t love me and that they love my older brother more.  So he went out to find me and talked to me, and explained that my parents love me as much as they love all of their children. To me, this is a crucial conversation. It is something that I remembered and got stuck in my heart and mind. It helped me understand my parents more.

HOW DO WE RECOGNIZE SITUATIONS THAT REQUIRE A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? In my experience above, I don’t know if my oldest brother recognized the situation as crucial that’s why he went to find me and talk to me. Crucial conversations do not necessarily arise from tensed and/or critical situations. Before we migrated to another country, my wife initiated a conversation as to how our life will be abroad. We discussed the changes and the impact in our current environment and lifestyle. We knew that we are leaving our dearest friends and family behind to provide a better future for our children. This conversation was crucial to us as it helped us prepare ourselves to a new path that lies ahead.

Thinking about the life of Jesus, He had a lot of crucial conversations with his disciples and the people He interacted with. One example would be when He called Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-10) to come down from the fig tree. Have you ever wondered what if Jesus never called Zacchaeus and visited his home? Would he still give out half of his wealth to the poor and give back four times as much the cheated amount of taxes that he took from the people? Another example was during the Last Supper where Jesus has told about what’s going to happen. What if Peter was not challenged to walk on water (Matt. 14: 28-33) with Jesus? Would his faith in Him be as strong as it was?

Crucial conversations does not mean it should be long. It can be simple and short but decisive and directional. Crucial conversation is necessary to enrich and strengthen our relationships with the people around us. It is important to have with our children to teach the values that we want to instill in them. It is a must between spouses, partners, and friends.

Over the years I have written down some of my favorites.  Now, it’s easier than ever to record them since I can snap a photo with my cell phone. I try to limit how often I do this while driving. What’s amazing to me is how timely some of these license plate messages can be. For instance

Loved North Carolina

Just when I had returned from a great retreat in North Carolina.

and:

Just when I had committed to coaching a girls U9 soccer team.

Girls Soccer

Even last Monday, right before the Redskin/Dallas game, I saw a license plate that said, “Btdalas”. Ah, license plates are not always prophetic are they?

And even the simplest messages can be misinterpreted. My license plate reads “IXRSIZ.” My husband got it for me many years ago. One time an acquaintance asked me if it was my husband’s way to “get me to exercise.” This did not go over well with me; my husband, of course, thought it was hilarious.

But in worship yesterday we were reminded of the times of the people of Israel in the book of Judges. They revolved in the cycle of apostasy/suffering/turning back to God/Deliverance. In that moment I recalled a license plate I’d seen recently. I didn’t get a photo, but it made me sigh. It read “CRY2GD.” It just seemed so right for our times, our earth and our world, especially yesterday on World Communion Sunday.

One interesting thing about personalized plates is that they speak for you. But without punctuation and vocal inflection, sometimes it’s hard to know whether they are a description or a command. Is this driver saying she cries out to God? Or is she imploring us all to cry out to God? I guess, the message is pretty hollow if it doesn’t mean both.

And that, I suppose, is the thing about crucial conversations; our words are empty if we haven’t first dialed up the conference call and gotten God on the line. Then, if we’re brave enough, we live the message and we carry it into the world ready for the response it will bring.

I guess the question is: in these days, when the stakes are so high, are we willing to display the message we carry and risk the conversation? Because I have a feeling Reverend Miner (and Prophetess Deborah speaking to Barak) are very right. If we don’t speak now, the conversation may get really ugly. For instance, this is a license plate I saw recently:

Never Enough

It kind of speaks to you, doesn’t it?

So if we all procrastinate at something, come clean and admit what is on your list.

In school, many students put off writing papers and studying for exams until the last minute. One of my sons does this and it causes his parents and himself a great deal of stress. It may be that stress that he is dependent on to get motivated to cram and to write.

Some people neglect their financial affairs, putting off the paying of their bills and debts. This too can cause mounting anxiety, and as debt accumulates it can grow from intimidating to overwhelming proportions.

Most of us put off some of those crucial conversations with the important people in our lives. It seems easier to leave things unsaid and unresolved than broaching a sensitive or emotional area. But if you don’t get around to finding peace in your relationships, how will you feel if the unexpected happens and you never get another chance? It’s never too early to say I’m sorry, I forgive you, thank you and I love you. It often seems too early to say goodbye.

If you never get around to talking about the facts of life with your children, there is the possibility that they will discover first hand where babies (and sexually transmitted infections) come from.

Many of us procrastinate in matters of health. Out of busyness or anxiety, we may put off seeing the doctor, and we may neglect to do the recommended tests.

We tend to procrastinate major changes in our lifestyle – eating better, exercising more, quitting smoking and reducing alcohol. Even if we can see the benefits, it seems easier to act out of habit.

Next: When is it good to procrastinate?

Let’s face it. All Sales Managers usually have one or two of these running around the office. These are the top sales people who know they are #1, know their sales are envied, and they aggressively insist on special treatment.

…Maybe they turn reports in late or not at all…Maybe they expect their orders to be moved to the top of the list, above all others…Maybe they delay turning in critical information and then expect everyone to jump in order to make the deal happen on time.

Sound familiar?

What happens when these activities are allowed to continue month after month, year after year? Have you taken notice?

What is it doing to the morale of the other sales people in the office? Does it increase hostility? Or jealousy? Or even insubordination? More then likely, tensions are running high.

Is this healthy for your office?     NO!

Is it costing you money?    YES – depending on the size of your company, it can be tens of thousands to millions. Yes, millions!

Then why do most leaders continue to not think about it and not deal with it? Often it’s because these are the top sales people and management is focused on the numbers while inadvertently foregoing the long term production potential of the sales team.

The best run sales teams have a sales manager who has mastered the art of dealing successfully with difficult situations, so few leave frustrated and everyone feels like a winner. BUT HOW?!?!

Glad you asked. Mastering the skills to create a win-win situation and solve problems, is key and results in becoming a person/leader of influence.

Follow this 10 step plan to holding successful, but difficult conversations with your team members:

1. The first step is for you, the leader, to focus on having a humble and servant heart. For me, the only way to do this is to pray a lot and read my Bible. Do what will work for you, but reading the Bible helps to remind me that I am not as amazing or as perfect as I like to think I am. You might want to look at the verses  pertaining to the speck and plank in the eye. Then look up the verses on “love is patient, love is kind…”
1. i.e. don’t immediately rule out that you have nothing to learn about how to improve yourself in this conversation.
2. Once your heart is in the right place, it often helps to hold this conversation off campus or at least not in each other’s office. Then no one feels like a ‘power player’ on their own turf.
3. Begin the conversation with letting them know the reason for the conversation is because of the Vision you have for the office and how you are working to help them to have a better work environment, so that they can make more money.
1. i.e. W.I.I.F.M.
4. Then praise and affirm ACTIONS they are doing correctly.
1. (Even if you have to think REAL hard, ahead of time to find some.)
5. Ask about how they think things in the office are running and what they think the company could improve, in order to help them do their job more efficiently.
6. Ask them what they feel you could be doing as a manager to better help them.
7. If they don’t get specific with you, then mention specific parts of the sales process, for example, “As far as processing goes. On a scale from 1 to 10, how to you feel we are doing in the processing of orders for you?”
8. Through this conversation, the hope is that they will bring up what they are doing wrong and because you have created a non-threatening environment, they may even admit that they are doing something that’s ineffective and then give you their justification as to why they think it is okay to act the way that they do.
1. Be prepared. They MIGHT have a valid argument and you should be prepared to listen to it.
9. IF they don’t mention what they are doing wrong, you need to have your Boundary Statement* ready for how you will discuss the most challenging issues.
1. A good way to go into your boundary statement is to begin with a compliment of an ACTION(S) they are always doing right and then dive into it. Remember to keep it neutral, with no judgment.
10. Remember, you are NOT to leave this conversation without having covered the main reason you wanted to sit down with him/her and end with having created a win/win situation for both parties.

Finally, a couple more tips to help things flow smoothly:

1. Try to sit on the same side of a table or just around the corner from them at a table.
1. If you sit across a table from them, then often it seems more like a boss/domineering instead of a friend/helpful leader relationship.
2. Have a pad of paper and take copious notes on everything they are saying.
1.  They need to feel that you are truly listening to them and hearing what they are saying.
3. Often, repeat back to them what you hear them saying and ask if that is correct. ESPECIALLY if you are confused or they say something that makes you upset.
4. To keep from losing your cool, write these sentences at the top of your paper before you begin**. If you will keep these in mind, then it will help your body to keep in thinking/serving mode and not in fight-or-flight mode.
1. What do I really want for myself?
2. What do I really want for others?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?
4. How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
5. Finally, your mental preparation is critical. Take as long as it takes before meeting, to prepare on paper an outline of what you would like to cover and write out your boundary statement. Until you are a pro at this, do not rush into this thinking that things will magically end well.

Remember, it is far easier to set the right expectations and set the right habits with employees when they are new hires, as opposed to trying to get them to change, once they are entrenched in bad habits. To make your life easier, Southwestern Consulting help Sales Managers set up systematic and well thought out new employee orientations/trainings that minimize the chance that you will have to hold many of these difficult meetings.

NOTE TO SELF: Top producing companies deal with difficult employees, no matter their Prima Donna status, immediately. For every day you are not dealing with a difficult employee the correct way, take a few hundred dollar bills out of your pocket and rip it into shreds, hard to do? Not as hard as mastering this skill set! You can do it! Try it out and let me know how it goes!

* Boundary Statement =

(their name), when you (state action or what he/she says – keep it NEUTRAL with no judgment).

It makes me feel (emotion).

I want to feel (emotion).

(their name) I’m asking that you (action).

Example: “Joe, when you turn in crucial paperwork at the last minute, it makes me feel that you are not respecting my role as a manager. I want to feel that we are working as a team to bring you success. I’m asking that you make a decision to turn in your crucial paperwork on time.” (You may even want to add, “Is there anything I can do to better help you with this?”

**Information in blog given is taken from many years of sales management experience and training. The questions are taken from one of the best books ever written on how to have Crucial Conversations: Click here (http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Audio-Companion-Set/dp/B000ON2HVI) to check it out.

Before doing that, decide how decisions are made. The easy case is when there is a clear authority/leader. More ambiguous is a group.

4 ways for a group to agree
Command
Consult
Vote
Consensus

The list is in order of involvement. The more people are involved, the more committed they are to it.

Use voting when efficiency is required

Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for others paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing

When others are agressive or silent, retrace their path. You are seeing their conclusion at work, so we need to find their story and then their facts used to come to that story.

To get then to open up,use AMPP
Ask – straight forward. Whats wrong
Mirror – try to say what you are observing “really? From the way youre saying that, it doesnt soundlike you are ok”

Paraphrase – once ask or mirroring is starting to work, use paraphrasing, repeat what they just said in your own words

Priming – saying what you think they are thinking. Use only if the other options are exhausted and you really want to know.

While holding a crucial conversation can be sophisticated, mastering even a few principles can lead to immediate results.  Understanding these principles opens new opportunities and removes the inclination to rather be silent than risking a conversation which could turn out to become very uncomfortable and which might even derail.

Each person develops a pool of meaning. Kerry Patterson and his co-authors use this beautiful metaphor. They observe that people together develop and fill pools of shared meaning. “Dialogue” is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. Dialogue is not debate, or argument or trying to win. Nor is it the silent treatment or running away.

Crucial conversations do not always happen suddenly.  We often have the opportunity of preparing mentally for them and if we follow old patterns, our preparations might be faulty.

Research showed that when matters go crucial, a negative outcome develops in record time. We see or hear something. We tell ourselves a story about what happened. This leads to an emotion, often one of dissatisfaction or anger – which leads to over-the-top action, often verbal or written.

If time is on your side, step back and think. What do you want for yourself, for the other person, for the organisation?  Focus on what you really want. Refuse the wrong or easy choice. Refuse the “Sucker’s Choice”.

Take note that a person’s action (which prompted our emotional reaction) could be rooted in six areas of possibility. To name a few: It could lie in the person’s motivation or mindset or in that person’s ability. It could lie in the peer pressure exercised by that person’s group. It could lie in things, in the organisation, for instance, in a breakdown of equipment, or in the reward system which rewards different actions.

The point is six different areas could influence a person to react, offering your six and more reasons for being wrong. Sobering is it not? Stand back and take an in-depth look. Don’t act on your first reading of the situation especially if you are upset.

In thinking things through, commit your thoughts in writing – not in an email but in a personal note. This writing exercise is a very important action, as it will assist you in sticking to the facts. What have you actually heard or what did you see?  Are you casting the other as the villain  and yourself as the victim? Is it possible that you played a role in creating the problem? In reviewing matters, it helps to think of the other as a person along these lines: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” This question has the effect of driving emotion out of the door.

In confronting the other person, know that a request for a conversation in itself could create tension. The other may dread meeting with you.

In starting a conversation, make it safe.  State that you value the other as a team member, as a co-worker. Develop a mutual purpose, for instance, a successful result to a project. Then turn to the problem which is the point of the discussion. Use tentative phrases. Apologise, if necessary, for first reactions. Do no use judgemental phrases. Stick to the facts.

During the conversation, actively explore the other’s point of view. Listen and reflect the other’s thinking – without necessarily agreeing. Paraphrase. Agree where you can.

Come to a conclusion which is fair, which summarises the situation and which builds relations.

So often in conversations, this is where the dialogue stops. This is a big mistake. Wind things up neatly. What actions need to follow? Agree on what needs to be done, by whom and by when. Be precise and suggest that both make notes. Strive for clarity. Send out a summary by email.

Lastly, follow up by an agreed date. Check whether the matter has been resolved. If you have handled the situation well, the problem is solved, relations have improved and because of neat winding-up actions, the matter might well have turned into an important learning experience benefitting all concerned.

Following a disagreement or a disappointment a crucial conversation or confrontation has three phases: Before, during and after. We often only deal with the middle phase. By thoughtfully adding the other two, such conversations can be turned into positive outcomes.

Albert
PS For examples of problems that require crucial conversations or confrontations, visit the newsletter of the authors who, in turn each week, provide possible solutions to the problems which readers submit to them…http://tinyurl.com/3vgtogn

Sometimes we handle crucial conversations well, but mostly we don’t. When we need to handle a conversation that matters most we are often at our absolute worst.

Purely by chance, three very important publications came to my attention. While browsing through the shelves in my favourite bookshop a cover caught my eye: Influencer.  The back cover advertised two publications: Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations. I purchased the one and ordered the other two – all by Kerry Patterson and three co-authors.

On reading them my first reaction was if only these publications had been available at the start of my career and of my married life. On many occasions, I have been woefully inadequate in handling crucial conversations and especially confrontations. My focus as a consultant falls on assisting MDs who have a serious wish to take their companies to a higher level, to do so.  The authors, who are consultants, confirmed what I encountered in practice: Installing systems and processes alone do not improve performance. A crucial element is an intangible factor namely internal communications within an organisation. Not  normal conversations, as we can all handle such conversations.

Success is often dependant on how people handle crucial conversations. During any process of stress or change a normal conversation easily becomes a crucial conversation, as people simply become unsettled or anxious about new demands. Change disrupts routines and is often seen as an additional burden. Emotions easily run high.

What to do? First, accept that with rare exceptions, we are all to a lesser or larger extent inadequately prepared to handle crucial conversations or confrontations. However, do not make this an excuse. Second, work with the fact that nature has not designed us to handle crucial conversations or confrontations. When emotions run high, we tend to fight or take flight and not to handle high emotions “with intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness”.  Again, we should not use this as excuse. It is possible to acquire new understanding and skills.

The culture of the company has a large influence on the speed with which a team is able to adopt new processes and systems. Very often a few additional factors complicate life. In my experience, most MDs and managers are not as democratic as they would wish to believe. In fact, most are fairly autocratic. And very few communicate their ideas fully. Many are not good listeners especially if what others say does not support their points of view. And employees often withdraw into silence instead of speaking up.

Worst, good and best companies: The authors point out that “Within high-performing companies, when employees fail to deliver on their promises, colleagues willingly and effectively step in to discuss the problem. In worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable – regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels.”  Productive, respectful conversations.

The best companies develop the skills for dealing effectively with conversations concerning, for instance, productivity, diversity, quality and every other topic.

The authors point out that “companies that make impressive improvements in key performance areas are generally no different from others in their efforts to improve. They differ in what happens when someone does something wrong. Rather than waiting for a policy to kick in, or a leader to take charge, people step up, speak up, and thrive. Equally, if it’s the leader who seems to be out of line, employees willingly speak up, the problem is solved, and the company moves on.” Take note, if such conversations are handled skilfully.

How to define a crucial conversation? “It’s a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong”.  It concerns disagreements.

What is a crucial confrontation? Confrontations are about disappointments. “They are made up of failed promises, missed expectations, and all other bad behaviour. Confrontations comprise the very foundation of accountability. They start with the question: “Why didn’t you do what you were supposed to do?” They only end when a solution is reached and both parties are motivated and able to comply.” Well handled, problems are resolved and relationships benefit.

If you are experiencing recurring problems with conversations or confrontations, act.  Buy the two “crucial” publications. In my opinion, they merit a “must read” status. Develop an understanding of their content, master and apply the principles.  Both books will enhance anyone’s work and private lives.

In my next two posts I will provide a glimpse of some of the principles concerned.

Albert

PS. Visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialconversations_book.aspx and http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialconfrontations_book.aspx and check out the authors’ resources for more information. VitalSmarts has an excellent newsletter. Subscribe and determine whether you agree.

How do let a coworker, employee, or even boss know that their frequent use of sarcasm is hurting their effectiveness and relationships?

Sarcasm is one of the ways people mask their opinions, allowing some of their true meaning to show through. It’s a form of humor, that allows one to take a shot at someone else or a group in general, while allowing the offender to shuck it off: “It was just a joke” one can say.  

Groucho Marks was the king of sarcastic wit. “No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend”. Or, “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception”. Funny on the movie or TV screen, but who’d want to live with Groucho?

How can one defend remarks that cut people down or insult entire groups? It’s pretty hard, really. Making a joke at anothers expense doesn’t make our light shine any brighter. The receiver of a sarcastic remark always has to do a little decoding, and we have little control over whether the person will laugh, take it to heart, or be insulted. Why would we risk my reputation or relationships for a potential laugh?

To have a dialogue with a sarcastic co-worker, start off in a one on one setting – not at group level.  A general remark to a group that you’d prefer everyone to reduce sarcasm will likely cause little change. Many in the room may assume you’re directing your remarks to others, and the offenders may not even realize their funny remarks are seen as sarcasm.

Step through the process outlined in Crucial Conversations.

 Assume the best of others. Perhaps others do think they’re only having fun and they’re unaware that their use of humor can be hurtful. Respectfully and unemotionally describe the last instance, focusing on specific behaviors.

Ask if others see the problem differently. If others seem unmoved to drop their use of sarcasm and irony, explain the consequences of their actions in detail. Talk about how it has affected you. Suggest an alternative means of dealing with the issues.

Discuss the pros and cons. Jointly discuss the benefits of honestly and openly addressing problems rather than approaching them obliquely and possibly at the expense of others.

Thank others for their efforts. End by thanking them for the frank conversation and express your appreciation for their willingness to drop harsh humor from their repertoire.

It’s appropriate to address sarcasm immediately. Use of sarcasm has a way of spreading throughout a team if left unchecked.

I’ve been to many client meetings in my time; as well as copious internal team meetings. I’ve also been to family-style meetings for different reasons. But I’ve never been to a ‘meeting’ with friends.

Interesting or obvious?!

What’s the missing link?

The Elephant in the room. 

If you think about the first three scenarios, meeting a client, team member or family, everyone has their own agenda. Each party comes with a set of assumptions, ideals and objectives that could be very different to the person sitting next to them. There are definitely a few elephants in the room.

What does that mean? Elephants in the room are all the things ‘not being talked about’. The situations where everyone nods in silent compliance, meanwhile a missile-fire of objections and ulterior arguments are whizzing round inside their heads, threatening to burst out through their ears in a shower of fury or fireworks. It’s the situation where everyone agrees with what the boss has just said; but will go straight home and rant about it to their partner.

In these situations, truly great leaders will stand up and be counted. They will offer their honest views, even if they’re unpopular with the masses. They will stand up to what they believe in and be willing to be pushed and probed on that. Often, once they’ve aired an alternative view, other people will have the confidence to admit their own questions or reservations.

So why doesn’t this happen with friends? Well, potentially it does, depending on your group. But for me and my friends, I think we’ve all grown up being entirely honest with each other. Often far too honest! If you’re feeling angry, you’ll tell people about it and you’ll explain exactly why. Unhappy about something someone did? You confront them and sort it out. Excited about possible changes in your life? You go straight to them to spill the beans, because they always give the right response.

There’s no elephant in the room when you’re being entirely honest, and as Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002) discuss in their book ‘Crucial conversations’, this dialogue is the key to personal and organisational success. Crucial conversations not only help you to confront things that are going wrong. They enable you to get further, perform better and feel happier as a result. In fact, the authors even claim a wealth of health benefits that can be reaped by being honest through dialogue.

So how can we all have the confidence to stand up and lead the room? To be honest and forthright, even when we’re coming from an opposing side? What else is important to know?

The authors of ‘Crucial conversations’ recommend four critical steps:

1. Start with heart
   Work out what you want. Before going to any meeting, whoever it’s with, spend some time understanding your own motivations, assumptions and goals. You’ll be at a huge advantage if you can demonstrate with credibility that you have a clear perspective and purpose. 
2. Make it safe and master your storiesTake an agreed ‘time out’ when things are getting tough. Then step back in together, being aware of the need for dialogue. And when you’re telling your story, separate facts from feelings. Facts are indisputable. Feelings are understandable and totally within your control. [More on that later...] 
3. State your path, and explore the paths of others’The key to dialogue is sharing your perspective (facts first, then feelings) and then asking openly to hear other people’s views. By putting your own views out there, you’re guiding the direction of the dialogue. By opening the path for others, you’re encouraging total honesty. 
4. Move to actionFinally, the trick is being able to turn dialogue into positive action. A few options: You could guide the process and direct next steps. You could ask for a vote. You could aim to reach a consensus. Or you could allow for reflection and book in time to revisit the decision at a later date. Whichever method you choose, assign actions and follow up on progress regularly.

So, the next time you’re in a meeting, follow these steps and see what positive outcomes you get.

And watch out for stray Elephants. If you spot it, call it!