Ando pensando em abrir a porta do quarto que estava sendo preparado para a Carol. É bobagem achar que olhar móveis, paredes, roupas ou qualquer outro objeto possa trazer lembranças dolorosas, afinal, ainda não inventaram uma fórmula mágica para apagar flashes de bons e maus momentos da memória.

Na verdade ver essa porta, sempre trancada, não muda absolutamente nada. Pelo contrário, é  uma visão que chega a ser mais cruel do que  olhar diretamento para o berço, a cadeira e o papel de fundo cor de rosa e bolinhas brancas. Eu observo a porta branca fechada e sei exatamente, em detalhes, o que está atrás dela. Evitar abri-la é o mesmo que evitar olhar para dentro de mim mesma. 

A Carol não está nas pequenas coisas que ficaram escondidas. Queria eu que fosse possível sofrer menos por não ter esse contato visual com o que compramos e com os lindos presentes que ela ganhou, mas nada pode mudar o fato de que está tudo aqui, registrado na minha cabeça. Pena que não existe uma porta interna que eu possa trancar e assim evitar que o meu coração tenha contato com esse bendito cérebro que não me deixa esquecer.

This is a follow-up on the article from yesterday regarding the Toronto Humane Society. Terrible stuff to ever have happen. I wonder why when it happens to animals we seem to care more or feel worse….

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/mummified-cat-found-in-humane-society-ceiling/article1379941/

Investigators have discovered a mummified cat inside a live trap in the ceiling of the Toronto Humane Society.

The discovery was made moments before the Ontario Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was to give reporters a tour of the River Street shelter.

“That’s dry as a bone, it has to have been there for over a year,” the agent who found the cat said. “Maggots have been there and then have left.”

“I’ve been an investigator for 15 years but that sent a chill right down my spine when I saw that,” said OSPCA officer Kevin Strooband.

“This is unbelievable. I’m still reeling … This is a house of horrors.”

Warning: This topic may be a bit too racy for my conservative readers, but should you bear with me, you might just experience a necessary awakening.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of seeing In The Next Room (or the vibrator play) on Broadway with my girlfriend Alessandra Hirsch.  The best introduction as to the content of this play is to simply re-tell a true story told by one of the fictional characters:

When the English art critic John Ruskin married Miss Effie Gray in 1849, they spent their honeymoon in the Scottish Highlands.  Both were young, healthy, and attractive people, but never, on their honeymoon or in the six subsequent years of their marriage, did they succeed in having sex.  After great bitterness, their marriage was annulled by an ecclesiastical court on the grounds of non-consummation.  In a deposition made to his lawyer, Ruskin testified in his own defense that on their wedding night, when he saw his wife naked, he was horrified.  He had seen many representations of naked women in classical sculpture, and none of them had pubic hair.  He thought this was a deformity of his wife’s part and was thoroughly disgusted by her body.

The Source of Happiness by Phyllis Rose

Sure, we can look back at this story and snobbishly lift our chins, proudly gawking at how far we have progressed as a society of human beings.  The Victorian way of life believed that absolute innocence was the purest, most respectable way of living life.  To them, ignorance was truly bliss.  Their unawareness led to sexless marriages, thus unhappy husbands and wives, and countless divorces on grounds such as the aforementioned.  Could anything positive possibly stem from this torturous life style?  OH WAIT I KNOW: VIBRATORS!  (And Sarah Ruhl’s amazing play, of course!)

Did you know that vibrators were the first in-home electrical appliance?  Even before hairdryers or electric griddles, women were buzzin’ their way to ecstasy.  Doctors would use in-office vibrators on women suffering hysteria.  They began treating women using a nice “genital massage since the fifth century B.C., and, quite frankly, they were tired of it – too time-consuming, fatiguing, and difficult to learn” (Sex & Serendipity by Rachel Maines).  Before Freud, hysteria was an unknown illness caused by “the revolt of the uterus against neglect”, thus the vigorous massage to release the anxiety.  “The idea was to produce a crisis of the disease, like the breaking of a fever, which, in the case of hysteria, was called the hysterical paroxysm.  This condition was characterized by heavy breathing, contractions, and discharge of moisture” (Maines).

In other words, an orgasm.

Yes, we have come far in our quest for sexual liberation, but I believe our discoveries have only begun.  If I should mention the word sex around any adult in New Castle, PA, most (with the exception of a few) will blush and quickly change the subject.  In my experiences, I have learned that many people are afraid of its power and stricken with some form of religious guilt.  Whatever the case may be, there are still women (and men) feeling shameful for desiring something completely natural and totally human.

Take me, for instance.  I lost my virginity in a Chevy S10 in some alley behind a deserted house, or shed, I don’t remember.  What I do remember is having sex because that person wanted me to, not necessarily because it was something I desired.  I felt pressured, and immensely guilty.  Because I was so tense, it was impossible for me to indulge even the slightest bit.  Plus, with all the PG-13/R movies I had seen with sex scenes (namely the Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe scene in  Cruel Intentions), I had this false idea of what it was supposed to be like, how I was to perform, how I was to sound, etc, etc.  I felt as if I was watching myself have sex, where my body was just rolling with the punches.  So fornication was never a result of passion that organically spawned from me, but served merely as an act of generous guilt.  Not a guilty pleasure even.  Just simple, straight-forward shame.

Not to mention the LACK of orgasms I was experiencing during my earlier sexual encounters.  Oh, God.  And somehow, I convinced myself that this was okay. Ladies, it’s not okay. Yes, we are more difficult to decipher, but our ability to climax is necessary to our health.  It’s a positive thing.  And let’s face it: it’s awesome!

I am writing today to express my love of the female body and all of its complications, its quirks, and its secrets.  Time warp alert: GIRL POWER!  Abstinence is a nice thing if you choose it for yourself, but if someone else chooses it for you against your will, then you are only fighting against your own nature.  Your body is gorgeous, your heart is beautiful, and you are allowed to express the amazing-ness that is you in any way you desire.  In the play, the two main women played with the vibrator on each other (clothes on, of course) – it was a fun game, and they bonded over the different experiences each one had during her own orgasm.  They listened to their bodies demands, and followed suit, no questions asked.  This is not barbaric, slutty behavior: this is instictual, powerful, and beautiful.

Funny little fact: most women experience their first orgasm by themselves.

Another funny little fact: women who masturbate are more likely to be open and comfortable in a first-time sexual encounter than women who are clueless as to how their own bodies function.

Just like DNA, every woman is unique.  You should name your flower, and know every detail down to the tip of the stem.

Happy Hump-Day!  Let’s make every day hump day!

Stay Blessed,

Bry

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Ok, so according to you, it’s perfectly fine for two girls to basically have gay sex and simulate masturbation on stage, but when two guys do the same thing, it’s crude? What the fuck??? That doesn’t even make sense!!! THAT IS THE MOST PREJUDICED STATEMENT TO EVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. FUCK YOU. You tell me all the time how it’s important to treat EVERYONE equally, but then you go around saying shit like “How dare Adam Lambert flaunt his sexuality? It’s disgusting!”

I’m sorry, but if you ask me, that’s just fucking unreal. How can you be so sexist and prejudiced and just all around unfair, yet go around saying things like “You should treat all people equally?”

I am at a loss for words. I am appaulled and disappointed and disgusted in with you, Mom. Dad, too.

Meet Cindy, the soon to be front page headliner accused of ripping someone’s face off lucky dog that gets to call Crazy Sandy her owner.

Speechless.

You can actually see the sorrow in her canine oculi. In case you can’t tell, Cindy is dawning this season’s style — the garden snail. See how the colors delicately reflect her… I’ve got nothing, this is just plain sick.

Joe Camel

 Oooooh Sandy.

The Cock of the Walk

My heart just keeps breaking.

This is actually called "Leonardoodle"

I just don’t understand this. It’s really grossing me out… I mean why is she wearing that scrub top?!

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor!

And my personal favorite:

I’m starting a petition… Sandy needs to STOP wearing those scrubs. At least this one is dog themed and has bones on it, the other one featured a gaggle of bears! In case you didn’t know this, a large group of bears is called a gaggle… or a shrewdness… I don’t remember… I think only Jesus knows but everyone knows he was mute but I digress…

What I’m really trying to say is that when Cindy finally flips out and attacks Sandy… I will write her an “I told you so” letter (because I’m kind and write letters to people) and I will eat a bowl of red cherries and some ghost meat in Sandy’s honor.

Después de esto mucha gente seguramente deje de leer mi blog pero es que me da igual,sencillamente. Porque me dan verdadero asco los toreros,las cadenas que lo emiten y todo este mundillo.

Mucha gente dirá ”Ya pero esque si dejamos de hacerlo, entonces, perderíamos parte de nuestra cultura”. Yo no veo que sigamos pintarrajeando en las paredes de cuevas, ni que sigan los gladiadores, ni los circos romanos, que pasa, ¿ que ahí no perdimos parte de nuestra cultura?. A mi me da igual perder parte de nuestra cultura, es mas, esa parte se debería de haber extinguido hace mucho tiempo.

*¿Por que esto se consideraría asesinato?¿A que cambiaría mucho la escena si hubiera un toro en lugar de ese chico?

From McSweeney’s, a list of cruel names for overweight vampires:

Snackula
Undead Weight
Count Chocoholic
Vampire the Buffet Slayer
Cholesteratu
The Vampurgler
The Vampire Lestop For Some Tacos
Vlad the Inhaler
Child Of Candy Cain
Quiche Lilith
Ghoulash
Queen of the Hammed
Taco Bela
Bela Obesi
Transylvania 6-5000 Calories
Dick Cheney
Das Vhoppyr

Cruel Names for Overweight Vampires [McSweeney's]

Disgrace. One of our viewers sent us this video and felt they need to put this man on serious blast. We dont condone animal abuse and this right here is sad. This is how “Grant” is reporting it “One of Armenia’s Riches man has two lions . and what he does is throws in a donkey into the cage for the lions can kill it as they watch for entertainment . But the donkey turns around and almost kills the lion and they got scared that the lion was gonna die so they shot the donkey”This video was shot at what is alleged to be the private zoo of oligarch MP Gagik Tsarukian. Better known to most Armenians by his nickname, Dodi Gago, Tsarukian is believed to be Armenia’s wealthiest citizen . The former world arm-wrestling champion is also head of the second largest political party in the Armenian National Assembly as well as the President of the Armenian National Olympic Committee. Is This is what money does to people? This is sick and horrible

The Royal Navy Should Blow Em Out Of The Water !!!!…..Sharks off the British coast: Oil tankers refuse to unload until prices rise… keeping YOUR fuel costs soaring

These tankers have been parked off our shores for months, refusing to unload their oil until prices have risen even higher. The delay makes millions for speculators… and keeps your petrol costs soaring.

Laden with fuel, three oil tankers sit idly within sight of the British coastline, playing a waiting game that is driving up petrol prices for hard-pressed motorists. They are part of a flotilla of ten vessels refusing to unload their cargo until market speculation has driven up its price to the level they want. And as the value of that cargo is currently rising by over £1million a day, driven partly by profiteering traders and speculators, it is unlikely to see a petrol station any time soon.

Three of the flotilla of ten tankers that have been anchored in Lyme Bay, off the Devon Coast, cynically waiting for oil prices to be driven up even further. With such tactics, it is not hard to see why prices at the pumps are forecast to have risen by 26 per cent in a year by this Christmas. AA president Edmund King said: ‘Traders and speculators seem to be storing up oil until the price rises. Drivers can expect more hikes in the pipeline. Motorists are paying the price of this at the pumps.’ Residents near Brixham in Devon have watched with growing anger as the tankers have anchored in Lyme Bay for the past two months. The price of a barrel of oil has increased from $40 a barrel a year ago to $80, with the cost expected to soar even higher in the next few months.

If the price is not high enough, the tankers simply cruise around the high seas – or park in a safe haven – until it goes up sufficiently high to sell on in the UK or elsewhere. City analysts say the refusal to unload ultimately drives up the price motorists pay at the pumps. Experts say every $2 rise in the price of oil puts 1p on the price of a litre – adding 50p to every fill-up. In total, the Lyme Bay tankers carry a million tons of oil. Once refined, that will create 250,000 tons of petrol – equivalent to 340million litres – enough to fill up nearly seven million Ford Mondeos.

A spokesman for Brixham coastguards said the huge ships were now a familiar sight in the bay: ‘Some have been there two months or more,’ she said. ‘They’re awaiting orders. The cargo will be worth more now than when they first arrived.’ As the Mail reported on Tuesday it was disclosed that petrol prices were on track to have soared by 26 per cent this year – fuelled by speculators and tax rises – and were set to hit 110p a litre by Christmas. They are already at 108.6p a litre with diesel just short of an average £5 gallon at 109.8p a litre. The last time prices were so high was when oil was trading at $100 a barrel in September 2008.

The extent of oil speculation is even beginning to alarm producer countries. The Arab-dominated OPEC oil cartel warned last week it will increase supply and thus reduce the price if the speculators do not relent.One of the giant crude oil tankers, the 159,300-ton SKS Segura, registered in Norway, first arrived on September 24 – more than eight weeks ago. The 50,300-ton Tristar Kuwait tanker, registered in the Bahamas, has been awaiting orders in Lyme Bay since September 2.Another anchored in Lyme Bay is the 43,000-ton Alkman, also registered in the Bahamas, which arrived on November 1. The 72,000-ton Petali Lady, registered in Liberia, has been anchored in Lyme Bay since September 27. And the 99,000-ton Danishregistered Torm Ingeborg has been there since October 10. This is not the first time tankers have anchored in Lyme Bay. Several ships did the same last April before moving on.

I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price panics during her third trial in the jungle and faces a showdown with Kim Woodburn

The celebrities must be wondering if they will ever get a chance to prove their strength and courage against the critters of the jungle after Katie Price was given her third bushtucker trial. The mouthy glamour model has had to do every task since she entered the jungle and looked visibly shaken as the public voted for her to do yet another. In a live trial last night, she shook violently as she took part in a jungle school trial where she faced snakes, worms, spider, baby crocodiles, eels and a beetle-based goo.

She had to plunge her face into desks filled on one side with a stinking, sticky goo full of meals worms to retrieve a star, and other other with meal worms, spiders and other critters. At one point, Katie hyperventilated as she came up for air and contemplated sticking her face back into the hideous mix. The next ‘lesson’ was English, where Katie had to remove pieces of word painted with words from a tank of snakes and complete Shakespearian quotations.

This was followed by her retrieving a star from the bottom of a tank full of baby crocodiles (with their mouths held with an elastic band). But the star finally balked at a large glass of beetle goo. She attempted to drink it, cheered on by the other celebrities, but after taking a sip, retched and passed to the next task. She obtained another star by putting her hands into gloves filled with fire ants to pour a test tube of liquid into a glass beaker using tongs but knocked a second tube over and lost another star.

She failed her maths task, where she had to climb into a pool full of eels and pick up one, after solving the equation (3+2) – 4 + ? Her final task involved standing in a pair of plastic galoshes and rain coat while cockroaches were poured into the jacket and boot. She managed an impressive nine stars out of 12. TV presenter Justin Ryan told her: ‘You’re a machine Katie. Well done.’ Newcomer, boxer Joe Buger was more interested in rubbing the cockroaches off her chest. Earlier in the show, viewers saw Katie taking part in yet another trial.

She yelled: ‘I knew it. I said it again, didn’t I?  It’s so out of order.  I predicted it because I’ve got so many haters out there.’ But she added: ‘It’s weird, I’m just not as ballsy as I used to be.’ Ahead of the trial, she said to the Bush Telegraph: ‘Some people want to see me and some people want to see me suffer.  I can only do my best but I hope the public give other people a chance to do it, don’t pick on me. ‘Six years ago I would have been game for anything but I just can’t do it anymore.  I’m just a wimp.’ She had to lie inside the a bottle with six corks at the neck of the bottle. She had to unscrew each section – worth two stars – after answering an Australia-related question.

Inside the bottle were 60,000 cockroaches, the most used in any trial, 10,000 crickets and two buckets of meal worms. Katie got off to a bad start after the inside of the bottle spun causing the critters to fall on top of her. She got the first question wrong after being asked which animal killed more people in Australia. She answered shark when the answer was horses. She gained two stars when she successfully spelled kangaroo backwards and deduced that if a camp mate completed a trial and won eight stars but lost half, then found two, they would return six stars to camp.

Coronation Street’s Tony Gordon is banged up for murder

This is the moment Coronation Street killer Tony Gordon finds himself banged up in a police cell after sensationally confessing to murder. Tonight’s episode sees twisted Tony, played by Gray O’Brien, walk from the banks of the canal to the nearest police station, where he reveals he murdered Liam Connor (Rob James-Collier) and pushed Roy Cropper (David Neilson) into the canal.

Tony is quizzed by police and admits that he hired Jimmy Dockerson to run over Liam out of jealousy, before going on to admit that he just tried to kill Roy at the canal. Things take a turn for the worse when his fiancee Maria Connor (Samia Smith) heads to the police station to confront him. She is shocked to hear that Tony’s handed himself in and desperate for some answers. When the police confirm her worst fears, she is horrified at the latest turn of events.In the interview room, Tony pleads with her to believe that his feelings for her were genuine and that he’s tried to make amends for his evil deeds.

But will Maria be able to forgive him? The edge-of-your-seat plot is proving to be a big draw for viewers, with 11.2 million tuning in to see Tony try to drown Roy on Monday night. It remains to be seen if the cafe owner will survive or Tony will have to take the rap for two murders.

The scenes air on Thursday, November 19, on ITV1

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

=================================
Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:    A  white one…
===============
Customer:    Hi,  this is Celine . I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support:   Have you tried pushing  the Button?
Customer:    Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech  support:    That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer:    No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…
===============
Tech  support:    Click  on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:   Your left or my left?
===============
Tech  support:    Good day. How may I help you?
Male  customer:    Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on  ’start’  for me and….
Customer:   Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.
==============
Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find  printer’.  I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.
==============
Customer:   I have  problems printing in red..
Tech  support:    Do you have a color printer?
Customer:    Aaaah…………………thank you.
===============
Tech  support:    What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech  support:   Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer:   No. I can’t  get behind the computer.
Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: !   OK
Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:   Yes, there’s another one here. Ah… that one does work.
===============
Tech  support:    Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in  apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:   Is that 7 in capital  letters ?
===============
Customer:   I can’t get on the  Internet.
Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:   Yes, I’m sure. I saw my  colleague do it.
Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:   Five dots.
===============
Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:   Netscape.
Tech support:   That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer:   Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer:I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I  move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech  support:    How may I help you?
Customer:   I’m writing my first  email.
Tech  support:    OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:   Well, I have  the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a  problem with her printer.
Tech  support:   Are you running it under windows?
Customer:   ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.’
===============
Tech  support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list  in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Customer:   I don’t have a P
Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:   ‘P’…..on  your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   I’M NOT GOING TO DO  THAT

Stupid Exam Answers

After all the shit I went through with Kay, we finally had our first argument. Frankly, I think it was something that was waiting to be said eventually anyway although I still don’t really know how we ended up having that conversation. It started with a few sms as usual and he asked me to give him 10 reasons why he should call me something more affectionate than jackass. He called me after that and all I remembered was that he kept saying I’m so random and that I don’t think or plan anything and everything I do is so pointless. I in turn told him that he thinks that all there is to a person is being logical backed up with facts and planned out to the very last detail. And he really upset me the most when he said I’m an airhead. AN AIRHEAD!! Has he even encountered an airhead before? That was an insult I couldn’t overlook since it is a known fact I detest airheads and bimbos; being called one is an epitome of insult. I lost it. He kept insisting that I am wrong to rely on emotions, and I told him he has an ego problem. He insisted he doesn’t since he thinks what he is doing is right backed up with logic, so that is not ego; it’s being cocksure.

It was seriously just a stupid conversation. We got angry at each other’s words. I asked him; what is wrong or right? He said “It doesn’t matter what others think, as long as you yourself know that you are right.”

Sigh. I’m get so annoyed just thinking about it. It isn’t because Kay doesn’t see things my way, or I’m trying to change him. I think he should respect me as someone who thinks differently from him and stop trying to screw around with my mind. Kay just don’t want me too close. When I start to see what he can be, when he is honest and open without his stoic mask of defense, he pushes me away with cruel words. I think I’m reaching a breaking point already.

I feel I have changed too much. Kay screwed around with my mind and made me think that there was something wrong with the way I’m thinking, the way I’m living my life everyday. Jay said I was changing too much for him and Kay is making me lose my self-confidence. I guess I started to think that maybe I was too flighty. Maybe I am too rash/reckless/irrational/impulsive. But then again, that what makes me – me. If I wasn’t like that, I don’t think I would have the friends I have now. If they wanted Kay, they would be hanging out with him instead of me. So what if I’m flighty? It’s not like I’m stupid or an airheaded bimbo. I can rationalize things but not the way Kay does it. When I tried to explain to Kay, he said “Don’t bother justifying.” WTF was that?

Sigh. I guess it’s more or less over. Kay doesn’t seem the type who can deal with an impulsive person like me. Maybe he thought he could, but seeing how he keeps saying I kill his brains with every random thing I say, I doubt it. I do have to admit I fell in love with him although that wasn’t my intention in the first place, but this is just going nowhere unless Kay allows me into his comfort zone.

Will he call? Am I wrong to still want to love him and teach him how to love? Will I eventually snap and kick his sorry ass? I have no idea. I do have to admit though, I think Kay is cute and if he wanted some bed-sport, I would do it. Haha.

The Republic of Ireland are heartbroken as a controversial goal by William Gallas takes France to the World Cup finals…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: holland soccer. The blog is also related to: soccer history.

that poor son of a tuna.

Aparte de manipulador emocional, me late que es chantajista… casi le creo…no esperen, me lo creí…. La crueldad, como cualquier otro vicio, no requiere ningún motivo para ser practicada, solo oportunidad.

Independientemente de eso, me gusta la canción.

By nature stillbirth and infertility blogs are personal, but this will be a personal post even in that context.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with this post, in fact I know people take very different approaches to what we have done but here goes…

I have noticed that people who have suffered a stillbirth take very different approaches to the photos they have of their baby.

Some put the photos they have on their mantlepiece, blog page etc.  I have never minded this in the slightest and have always tried to take a minute out to check out the photo and the precious baby it portrays.  I respect these people’s boldness and if I am honest I am a bit jealous of them.

On the other hand I have wondered whether it is wise just to let just anyone see the pictures.  Doesn’t that mean you get really cruel responses as well as affirming ones.  If someone said they thought Abigail was anything less than beautiful I would be very offended.  How can we get past the fact that she is dead in the picture – what if someone says that was “gross” or “creepy” – would I not want to punch them?

For us a few practical and emotional factors have led to our decision not to share the photos we have of Abigail with anyone.  First practically they are not great photos.  The hospital took some fairly poor ones and I took a couple but only in a daze and not up to my usual standard. If I could go back I would take a lot more photos.  And take some of my wife holding Abigail and me holding her too.  Take some close up and from different angles, some dressed too perhaps.  We can’t go back now and I regret not having more.

Second, Abigail had been dead for two days when she was born and well… it shows.  We have not been sure that we want people to remember her that way.  Whilst we could see the family resemblance and what she had been like, we are not confident others would see past the obvious marks death laid on her.

Third, there are a few tell-tail signs that Abigail was a triploidy baby.  A couple of her fingers were fused together on each hand.  Her feet are curled over a bit.  Whilst I would want everyone to say she “looks perfect” the truth is that she was not perfect, that is why she died.  I feel protective of her reputation which seems silly since she has died.   I would hate someone to say (or think) well she was obviously abnormal or deformed and therefore perhaps it was a mercy that she died when she did.  I really wish she was here even if it would have been harder.

So those were the practical considerations.  Emotionally, my wife and I were in quite different places.  My wife felt she definitely didn’t want to show anyone the pictures ever.  I was a bit more mellow about showing close friends.  But I also felt that we should only do what we were both comfortable with.  You cannot undo showing them but you can always show them later.

And as I have hinted I think we would really care how people responded to the photos.  A good reaction (tears, quiet reflection, real gratitude for seeing them, comment that she is beautiful, saying how much she is missed) would mean a lot.  But a bad reaction (saying she is ugly, telling us we shouldn’t have shown it, saying rather not look etc) would be hard to forgive.

So here we are a year on and only my wife and I have seen the pictures.  Then our four-year old son asked to see them and we showed him the best two.  That was that or so we thought.

Around Abigail’s anniversary weekend however I got looking on the internet.  I wanted something more than what we had.  Something that could show what Abigail would have looked like if she had been born alive.  Something that could counter what death had taken.  I found Angel Pics.  From what I could gather they are a commercial company who feel so passionate about stillbirth issues that they offer to do two pictures for free!  The form suggested you had to be in USA but I said I wasn’t and filled it in any way as best I could and sent them two of Abigail’s pictures.

Two days later I hadn’t heard anything by email but on the off-chance I logged on to see where the order was at.  There were two tiny thumbnails of retouched pictures of Abigail.  My heart sped up – what kind of job had they done?  would they be any good.  I clicked on the first and due to web speed it downloaded a few lines at a time.  Before the picture was half visible I could tell they had done a fantastic job – we could show these in our house.  Abigail looks the same but without the colour changes and the rest.  She looks natural and beautiful.  I called my wife in – she started to cry when she saw them. We are both absolutely delighted with the results and recommend them to anyone who can relate to the content of this post or even if you can’t for that matter.

So our big decision was that today I sent the pictures off to get printed so we can put them up in our home.  I have cropped the pictures to focus on her face and ordered a selection of crops, colour and black and white.  So we can chose the ones we like the best.  We will show our close friends first but then they will just be there for people to see and comment on.  I hope it helps people to realise that Abigail was really a person, who we love and miss her so much.  It feels a really positive thing to be doing and a real relief to have these pictures.  This is how we will remember her going forward, this is so much more like she looked in the womb whilst she was alive.  Whilst they are further from the original photo, they are much closer to the original her – this is what she was like, more her essence than what death had left behind.

It seems funny now that it took us over a year to get to this place.  I am quite looking forward to sharing photos of my daughter with our friends and family.

One more ends his life like 56,000 do every year.

Yes you read it correctly – more than 56,000 married men end their lives every year.

http://www.deccanherald.com/content/19204/treated-cruelly-wife-techie-ends.html

Allegedly hounded by a greedy and cruel wife, who was fully supported by her parents, a 32-year-old techie ended his life by consuming a full bottle of anti-depressant tablets here on Monday.

Shubhankar Katyayan was married to Nandini, 27, also a software engineer, for the past two years. Their marriage was registered and solemnised here. Although the two hailed from Jamshedpur in Jharkhand, they had been working in Bangalore after their arranged marriage.

The couple had taken up a rented house at Rajajinagar. They worked for different multinational software companies. Before Shubhankar left for the United Kingdom on a company assignment early this year, he was happy to learn that Nandini was pregnant.

Soon thereafter, Nandini also left for an overseas assignment.

She returned to India a couple of months later and left for Jamshedpur to live with her parents. Shubhankar and Nandini were in touch over e-mail. But, differences cropped up when he failed to return to be at her side during delivery.

But, Shubhankar managed to take leave and returned to Jamshedpur to see his newly born son, Purunjay. Recounting the events prior to Shubhankar’s death, a close relative told Deccan Herald: “Soon after returning to Jamshedpur, Nandini and her parents began ill-treating him.” Shubhankar allegedly fell at their feet, begging to let him see his child.

Though later he was allowed to see their son, his in-laws convinced him to return to Bangalore on the assurance that Nandini would follow soon. He found to his consternation that his in-laws had taken a separate house for Nandini on rent on Gangadhar Chettiar Road under Commercial Street police station limits.

Since their marriage was floundering, the couple decided to settle for a mutually agreed upon divorce.

Shubhankar’s lawyer Anand said the divorce petition (MC1732/09) was filed on June 24, 2009. In the judicial separation petition posted for hearing on January 1, 2010, Nandini had claimed Purunjay’s custody and return of all gifts she received at her wedding.

On July 14, Nandini’s mother Anmana Jha lodged a complaint with the Commercial Street police, alleging that Shubhankar, demanding dowry, had assaulted and attempted to kill her daughter. A number of criminal cases were also lodged against him. He was arrested and produced at the magistrate’s court on July 19. The magistrate directed the police to investigate the matter, and he was sent to Parappana Aghrahara Central jail. Anand said Shubhankar was virtually a broken man in jail and had undergone treatment. Last Saturday, he consumed a bottle of anti-depressant tablets. The authorities rushed him to Victoria Hospital in a critical condition where he died. The authorities refused to hand over the body till Nandini gave her consent. Finding her house locked, the police allowed the release of the body.

A day after the body was taken to Jamshedpur for cremation, Shubhankar was granted bail. His parents, Sunkantha and Narmada Devi and his younger brother, Diwakar, were granted anticipatory bail. When this correspondent met Nandini at her residence on Tuesday night, she said she would not comment on the issue without consulting her advocate.

How cruel can be the thoughtless tongue,
the justified put down,
and the defended dirty spew,
spraying sewage all around–
all launched in blindness,
hurtful impact unseen,
a blame game round and round

Without a daily cleaning,
without a centre in the house,
i would be lost in filthy maelstrom,
and spun in whirlwind turmoil,
triggered reactive here and there,
i would a menace participate–
no solution to the problem,
a hassle to myself.

A centre is my key,
the key to humbling pride,
pride the lord self-righteous justifier,
and love my central pillar,
my beloved pivot calm heart-sink–
from inside out i seek sanitary kind expression,
love the universal solvent.