When someone so important to you told you he didn’t believe in something you were crazed about, what would you feel?

To be honest the day he told me he didn’t believe in ‘Forever’, my knees weakened. It felt as if the moment was broken into crazy little pieces and I was in a middle of something so unreal, I was hurt. But I never let it show. I know he meant something about it, something like life can make you feel blissful at times, making you feel that forever is real, but you know at some point, life ends. I know that’s what he meant, that everyone dies for particular reasons, I can’t deny the fact that death is a natural way of life, but I have my theories on forever. It’s not just about breathing, it’s something about more than life. More than breathing, and more than living. It’s about finding the soul of someone you are bound to be with forever, and when I say forever, it’s after life, and your next life, so on. I really thought hard on what positive account I could make of the happening. Then a friend told me: “Make it a mission, make him believe in forever.“, and that is my quest today. Make him believe in forever. Make him believe in destiny and fate. That even if we die just like everyone else, we will find forever. And I would prove that FOREVER is all real. c:

Quickwrite before I leave for my Uncle John, Aunt Debbie, Abby, and Rachel Thanksgiving dinner so I apologize for any errors in spelling or grammar and for the …I will fix those later.

Ponderance of the day: If one doesn’t like what how they treat other people looks like written down, why do it?

Anywho, I thought yesterday was going to be a terrible day after it went downhill about halfway through.  It was right before I set out to drive from Alliance to my grandma’s in Kinsman to have an early Thanksgiving for my Uncle Mike and his family…it was a long teary-eyed drive and a lot of thinking…plus this song (and the first minute of “Up on the Roof”).  I don’t listen to “Snowstar” nearly as often as other songs because this super-hyper-Christmas song on caffeine and sugar never fits my mood…there’s a lot going on in it.  BUT I like it now   Another Scott original to the rescue!  

This video doesn’t do the song or the group justice because the sound is so unbalanced, but I didn’t want to illegally post the song itself.

            Snowstar: By Scott Leonard

“It never happened,
that thing that made you cry
it never happened
Erase it from your mind

See one glowing drop of starlight
floating slowly to the ground
shooting luminescent snow white
all directions without sound

Feel your ever-red preoccupation
everheavy hestitation
disappear within the fallin’ snow

See what’s happened,
It happens over time
It had to happen
for you to leave behind…

This hills of frozen tear drops
rolling slowly from your heart
The sting of what should be: stop waiting
Here’s where you start

See the breath of possibility
the edges of all you can be
reappear with the fallin’ snow

Crystal snowflake
whisper cool across my mind
Send a smooth-as-velvet breeze
Clear a path for us to see
forever, forever in the fallin’ snow

It’s gonna happen
Don’t waste a worry why
That day will happen
Erase it from your mind

Through crystal veil of snowflake
speeding light of mercury
whiskin worries cross the snowscape
velvet far as you can see

There’ll be symphonies of planets rising
hosts of angels improvising
new beginnings in the fallin’ snow”

Things are going to happen; they’re always going to happen…and I think I’ve finally learned how to deal with them.  It’s a good thing I pondered out “People Change” and posted it when I was ready or this could have been disastrous.  Anywho, so I had to stop at Quinn’s before I got to my grandma’s to fix my makeup and try to make myself look somewhat presentable before I walked in looking upset.  I managed to pull that off and actually had a wonderful evening with my Uncle Mike, grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, sister, Jonathan, and little cousins…THEY ARE ADORABLE!!!  Emma is 10 now, Andrew is 8, and Max just turned 6…playing around with them and hearing them laugh made me realize what truly matters to me and what affects my life. 

So we helped my grandma prepare the food, set the table, bring everything in to the dining room, and got everyone to sit down.  We said grace and ate together.  All of the food was awesome and for once, everything went smoothly…my grandpa still “eats like a bird…a humming bird” but will clean his plate every time, Max ate half of the corn, Andrew had a feast, and Emma somehow got that girl shyness that runs in my family…we’re all pretty quiet.  I avoided getting a glass of wine because, you know what?  I just don’t need it…I’m still not used to the taste plus it reminds me of lab because I can recognize the smell as an alcohol as in -OH group…I think I’ve tried 10ish glasses since I turned 21 in July…not your typical college student.  Between my grandma getting annoyed (kinda jokingly) at my grandpa for telling goofy stories and my grandpa’s old farmer mentality and randomness, it’s always a fun dinner (No, that’s a BRAND NEW battery!!! I just bought it USED from Joe down the road the other day…). 

After dinner we all cleaned up and my cousins had a beanbag war in the living room.  The first wave of cousins would have never been allowed to do that when we were their age, but I’m glad they can…it definitely was a less tense night.  My grandpa tried to put a polka television show on, but that quickly got poo-pooed by the majority who wanted to watch cartoons.  My grandpa bartered with them for five minutes of his polkas then they could watch all of the cartoons they wanted…I definitely went to polkas with my grandparents when I was little and danced at them.  Back to the beanbags…DUCK!  Holy smokes, if you weren’t watching you were going to get hit…they’re all in baseball and other sports so they not only have good aim, but throw pretty darn hard too..luckily with years of softball, my catching abilities were spot on…Jonathan was not so lucky.  A couple of pictures got knocked over, but other than that I think the major causalities were from each other.  My dad, Uncle Mike, and Jonathan were all dying watching them…they were out of control!!! In a good way  

Well, then we showed them what the beanbags were actually for…the criss cross toss thingy that we used to play with (basically tic-tac-toe).  They wanted Jonathan and I to play it and every time we’d throw one, they’d throw the beanbags back to us 100mph!  Then they decided it would be fun to try to block us so we just kind of threw them with no real goal other than to reach the board. There were bags flying left and right and we kept getting hit, but it was a blast.  Then we tried to get them to play so Jonathan set up rules and they actually followed them.  One person stood like 10ft away on one side and the other stood on the other,  you were whatever block you flipped over first (X or O), and you had to wait your turn.  It seemed like whoever had the lead instantly lost it by flipping over the other person’s letters or nobody got anywhere.  At one point Jonathan needed one more and he just couldn’t no matter how hard he tried…jokingly Max whipped the beanbag at the board and helped Jonathan win…hilarious.  Every time Andrew won he yelled BINGO!!!!!! which was amusing   The winner played the next person in line so it was a Jonathan, Max, Andrew, and Emma tourney until desert time.  I got to talk to my Uncle Mike too for a while which was nice because I just haven’t seen him in a year…everyone is finally starting to relax from that strictness we all had to follow when I was little so the conversations are much more pleasant.  Over tea and coffee everyone laughed and had a good time…one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve enjoyed even if it was thrown together at the last second to make it early. 

So back to “Snowstar”…when I went out to my car as we were all leaving, I saw I had a message on my phone.  Never failing, it was not a nice one which upset me after the turnaround that had just occurred.  HOWEVER, I’ve got enough strength now to just turn off my phone, say “oh well,” and call it a day rather than dwell on it.  I asked Jonathan to drive to Niles so we could hang out.   We went to Borders, he bought some cold Mochas, and we talked…I actually didn’t get emotional this time trying to tell him about the terrible-ness of the day…great strides.  Jonathan’s cousin Greg called so we met him at Applebees.  It was nice to talk to Greg about life, politics, school, work, and especially how Jonathan can’t count out the beat in a song if his life depended on it.  After a great night of conversation, I decided to head home since I haven’t slept the past couple of days and knew last night would be no different. 

I woke up this morning happy which I didn’t think was possible after the unpleasantness of over half of yesterday, but I was just fine.  Jonathan sent me a text in the morning making sure I was okay and I told him I was…thanks to “Snowstar.”  He couldn’t believe it since I constantly skip the song on “Comfort & Joy.”  Bring on the snow tomorrow and my favorite season, winter!  ”It’s gonna happen ~ don’t waste a worry why ~ that day will happen ~ erase it from your mind…”  Yesterday was that day and today I am erasing it.  I’ve got less than a month left of school before Christmas break and fully intend on enjoying it.  I never liked Christmas much because my mom dislikes it and it is high stress for everyone…until this year.  I’ve been in a holiday mood since September and I’m fully prepared to make this season happy and great…not going to let anyone change that.  PLUS, after the last few weeks of school and the day after finals, I get to head to Fairfax, VA for my Rockapella Holiday Concert with Jonathan! I do wish I was heading to Durham, NC to see them with the rest of the girls, but that just didn’t fit into my schedule so Fairfax it is…and I can’t wait!!! Especially after how much their songs have helped me this past year  

This is what is getting me through the hard times now (T-minus 23ish days!)…the polar opposite of what you have caused…and I’m just fine   :

With love and until next time,

       LLP

No, I’m not making that promise again
Nothing can change my mind
Nothing at all
’cause love has a way of comin’ undone
’till I’m all alone with my heart
And here I’ll stay

And I always thought I’d see you again
Oh how it hurts, every time you’ve crossed my heart since then
Gonna give it all it takes
To hold what might have been,
But I always thought I’d see you again

Now there’s no reason to run for the phone
No need to hold my breath
Hopin’ it’s you
Each time I see someone we used to know
Or go some place we used to go
It’s not the same

’cause I always thought I’d see you again
‘oh how it hurts every time
You’ve crossed my heart since then
Gonna give up all it takes
To hold what might have been

cause I always thought I’d see you again

Love doesn’t come when you need love
It’s not always there when you fall
Try as you may, you got nothin’ to say
Nothing at all

I always thought I’d see you again
Oh how it hurts every time
You’ve crossed my heart again
Gotta give it all it takes
To hold what might have been
Cause I always thought I’d see you again
Cause I always thought I’d see you again
Again
Again

I Always Thought I’d See You Again: Tiffany

I finally put this song on my mp3 player. I can’t find it on CD anywhere that I have looked, so I am happy to have it on mp3.  It’s kind of a sad song, but lately I have been kind of sad. It is just crazy. I didn’t get any sleep last night at all. I was watching a Jane Austen movie : Persuasion. I relate more personally to this as far as the relationships part. Even though I relate more to Elizabeth of Pride and Prejudice over all. But Now I can relate to Anne. She still has feelings for Wentworth and she is trying to be true to herself. Family aside she is finally sure that her feelings are that of a woman in love. Finally that scheming Socialite  needs to be smacked across the head with something like a bat. I find myself cheering for Anne as though I am at a baseball game and she is trying to get to home plate and she is caught between the catcher: Wentworth’s unknown feelings and possible rejection, and the the third basemen: her family’s persuasion/friends persuasion and other obstacles that could pull her apart from Wentworth forever. I keep thinking if she could only slide home “safe in Wentworth’s heart again, everything will be all better.  I am now reading the book.

But aside from that I felt like crying all day. and so I could only watch part of Persuasion… Before trying to watch the movie though. I was reading a manhwa (like a manga only in the Korean stylization) called He’s Dedicated to Roses, by Hwang Mi-ri.  It is a good story. I love reading all genres of books and it is going into my favorites list. I rarely find a manhwa that I like this much. But I suppose like any good book that becomes one of my favorites, I have to search through a ton of stories that, though I enjoy them, I rarely want to read more than once, until I find one or two that are some of the best that I have read. However there is a downside. I stayed up until 5am, and I cried through part of it. But it has a good ending to it. So apart form my grandmother getting up three or four times last night, trying to turn off the computer screen only to find me still reading, it was sort of uneventful. I am in a lonely/sad mood for some reason I don’t know why  though…. Gonna find a show to watch or something. Maybe kimi ni todoke has been updated.

Much love and hugs,  And HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

NO WAY.

Remember this post about Larkin’s poem This Be the Verse?

My professor totally included the first verse in her book. Fucking awesome.

(yeah, okay, i did cry earlier. trying to recover. i also forgot to mention that the part of thanksgiving dinner that i was most looking forward to was meeting my cousin’s one month old baby. but strep throat = not getting anywhere near baby. fuck)

I’m expecting a few big changes in my life in the next few months. Hopefully things get a bit better. Although, I’ve been quite active, doing different things to have a little fun on the side. I had invitations to 2 different Thanksgiving parties, but one of them was somewhat un-practical and the other one was going to be one of those family parties that you only know one person and can become quite awkward or whatnot. So, I decided to stay at home and perhaps save a poor turkey. These poor bastards are victims of genocide if you ask me. For this “special” holiday thousands or even millions of these poor bastards are slaughtered to overfill our hungry stomaches for a day or two.

I wish I could provide more details and information about the stuff I’ve been doing or some fascinating stuff I’ve been hearing from my circles, but anonymity is very important to me. A while back when I had the ear infection, I went to see a doctor and they asked me to fill out a questionnaire that was asking about depression and stuff. I totally denied having any signs of depression just because I don’t want special attention. These days I don’t have the symptoms as much, but I’m totally wounded deep inside. So sad inside that I can effortlessly start crying in seconds…

Ten more minutes of life

Ten more minutes to die.

Ten more minutes of pride

Ten more minutes of Light.

Ten more faces to see

But no more places to be.

Ten more questions to ask

But no more answers to get.

Cry, cry, for life,I cry

Cry, cry, I cry for life.

Was all my life worth it?

Have I always waited for this?

Death got me in my dreams

He said: Ten more minutes, I’ll give!

Cry, cry, for life I cry

Cry, cry, I cry for life!

Ten more minutes to love

I’ve got: ten more minutes to cry

If I don’t wake up the next day

Don’t cry for me I couldn’t stay!

Don’t cry for me, I cannot stay!

I’ll never ask you to forgive me

I’ll never ever have the reason to do it

I’ll never let you to forbid me

Do the things I wanna, and what I think…

We argued so much with each other

We got more angry and much older

As you see there’s nothing left

Nobody’s left to blame.

Darlin’ I just cannot imagine

My days anymore with you, I’m not a pigeon

As the stars whisper their desire

I see you cryin’!

I’ll never ask you to forgive me

I’ll never ever have the reason to do it

I’ll never let you to forbid me

Do the things I wanna, and what I think.

When the Sun hides behind the mountains

I see you readin’ and when a part ends

You wish somethin’ in secret

You see there was a very big risk to take

Sweet Honey I know you’ve tried everything

But the best of you for me was nothin’

Take a deep breath and I’ll explain

Don’ want to see you cryin’!

I don’ wanna see you dyin’!

There’s an unfinished story sitting on the nightstand of my brain; it’s threatening to crawl out of its margins and stain the wood it lays on. It’s a story about an incomplete girl and a summer spent dipping strands of hair into cups of tea….a girl who has nothing to say but is dying to say it.
She’s tired of all the sighing and breath-holding yet she’s not sure what would really happen if her nearly invisible life was actually seen by someone.
She cries dirty tears that draw the future lines on her face and cradle baskets under her eyes that accumulate looks and judgments, whispers, unholy cries for help and shameless acts.
She lives in a world outside the kissing and far away from the embraces that demolish knees leaving them buckled. Disconnected from the way a pair of hands can carve into a back and shake debris from someone’s being and leave them to face the world helpless and kissed.
And so she writes. She writes because the words are heavy. Because she can’t help but scribble a few clumsy verses here and there even if she just tosses them into an old shoe box deciding that its a shitty pointless day for writing…  Everyday is pointless when it comes to writing, that’s why she likes it.
She writes about the storms that take place in the far left corner of her bedroom, about paper hearts and how rain makes apple sauce. She writes about the smell of the dirt in the garden and the way warm water feels running over her hands and about fucking and the things that most people don’t notice.

She writes and she shrugs and she misses him and she eats cereal and she has a bath and she paints and she smiles and she writes and she soaks up some more tears with tissues that lay around her house reminding her that she gets better all the time…and so she writes.

and so she writes...

and i have no business doing this…no business at all…but its just that from time to time i feel like i’m dying a little bit and then those words…all those lovely words reminding me of what i meant to say… or that i meant to say something….

hey,

This episode was really sad =(

don’t read the begining if you didn’t watch it yet!

as usual I watched it with my sis I hardly held my tears from falling down ’cause someone like me would definitely cry for Risa when Otani rejected her and she ran away crying T-T

I’m soo sorry for her T-T

I’m soo sorry for Otani too he cares about her and he was really sad T-T

He is thinking…

…THINKING~…

OMG he is being so serious it’s kinda hot and kinda freaky!

All Hanshin-Kyojin (Anime)

All Hanshin-Kyojin (Real) lol 8D

kawaii~

this pretty girl is always eating biscuit and every time I reach t her I’m just fast -___-

no way hahahahaaaa

here comes the super idea>>>

Baka Nobuko why did you remember them ><?!!!

He wants to buy…

kuma curry —> Bear’s curry ><

kuma curry…kuma curr…kuma cu…kuma….ku…

Muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ( ToT )

I want to cry too ( T-T )

I caught up with a good friend the other day.  It had been a while and she was telling me the events that had been going on in her life, the good, the bad and the ugly.  We were talking about work when she said,  “And the other day, I cried in front of HR, I can’t believe I cried in front of HR”.

“Don’t worry” I told her, “You know what, this very morning I stopped off to by a new box of tissues.  People in HR, we’re used to it.  Folks cry all the time.”  And its true.  I have seen men and women cry from the most senior to the most junior. I have seen blubbers and sniffers and blinkers and more people than I can remember get “something in their eye”.

Most people need to work.  Most people spend a lot of time at work.  And we see them going through some of the hardest situations that they will come across, whether it is a disciplinary, redundancy, maternity, rejection, restructure or mediation to name but a few.  These are stressful moments in their lives and they are allowed to react like human beings.  That is only normal.

What is abnormal is to think less of someone because they are stressed or upset.  It is abnormal for HR to want to be so hard and macho in its drive to appear “commercial” that it loses touch with how people feel, how they are impacted and what they fear.  Sure bring on the jokes about tissues and sympathy, bring on the snide comments about HR being soft.

I deal with people.  People have emotions.  I’m ok with that.  It’s those that aren’t that have a problem.

It’s my second night on my own again.  BF is gone across the state for a funeral and probably won’t be back for a few days yet.  I know he’s busy with his family, know that his sister just lost her husband, that the grief runs deep and raw.  So I feel throughly guilty for wishing he’d take a few minutes to call me.

In 2 days I’ve reverted to my old semi-feral single mom habits.  We ate (healthy) pumpkin pie for dinner (and chicken soup) last night.  I run around like a rapid dog trying to keep up with everything, never remembering to sit down and chill even for a minute.

The last weeks are really catching up with me, I’m sitting here trying not to cry, without any particular reason for the sudden burst of sadness.  For one, I haven’t been writting nearly enough, I can barely get internet these days and, well, life’s just been beyond crazy.

PB got lice at school last week.  Taking care of that deserves it’s own mile long post.  Work’s been high intensity.  I’m fighting off another cold.  BF is gone and mostly incomunicado.  I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m sick, I’m lonely.

I’m not used to feeling lonely. I’ve always loved my solitude.  I don’t know what to do with lonely.

I am alone

Locked in this cold empty cell

Known as my mind

But I have the key

It’s called Hate

Do you know what it’s like?

No, of course you don’t

You don’t live a lie

I put on a smile

Though i really want to cry

Do you know what it’s like?

I figured you wouldn’t

Your life doesn’t suck

You live a normal one

I don’t

Do you know what it’s like?

No, and you never will

So before you stop and tease

Maybe you should look

At all the possibilities.

Maybe I’m a person who is just like you

Or maybe I’m a terrified little boy.

But maybe it doesn’t matter

Yoy don’t live my life

What could it hurt to make me miserable?

News Flash

I already am

Because of people like you

Who don’t know what it’s like

-Anonymous

Have you ever felt like you are being pushed against a wall that you feel like screaming when someone says to you that they know you very well? Do you know anyone so well, can you swear for someone and can you assume you know someone? They try to belittle you in ways to bend you into their perception of you and you may bend to the accusations. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are times when people assume that you are someone you are not probably because they are like the same which they have accused you of or have judged you on your past misdeed. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Don’t be moved by others perception of you. What’s important is what you believe; who you genuinely are, your ideals and principles and most importantly your truths about you. Not what others perceive you to be. Not their assumptions or preconceived notions of you probably judged on your appearance and your past. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

There are others who wish to see you fail in life and falter simply because they can’t believe that you are who you say you are. They like to climb their ladder of success while they keep pushing you down. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

They are going to assume everything inconceivably bad about you and if you love and believe in yourself, you will never be moved by it. There are those wanting to find some bad things to whisper against you, that they will make up a story about you, so convincing that it becomes believable rumors and gossip. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are those who will look for every corner to lay obstacles in your path to see you fail and beware some are done by your close friend as they may know you very well. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

They’ll even set you up with friends to see that you are stained, and when all fail they may create strife between you and the ones who are closest to you. Be aware of those. Reminding you again, they maybe your close friends and family. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

There are those who will smile with you and will stab you in the back as soon as you have turned you face/back with idle whispers to another. The two-faced ones. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

There are those who hate to see you climb that ladder of success, those who would see you down and can help but won’t because you will become a better person and will be a challenge to them.

There are those who hate that you are well educated and has become a force to reckon with as you are no longer spoon fed with their garbage and has become well informed and no longer depend on them to ‘nurture your mind’ like babies. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

Importantly, watch your friends who really befriend you to maliciously want to know about you, so they can talk of your confidential whispers to them. You usually know your enemies but they are sometimes in the midst and closest to your heart; the ones whom you trust with your innermost thoughts and secrets, entitled friends, but are really ‘fiends’ in disguise. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

Probably something they tried for years at and never was successful at and you did it with one whiff of a breath and has become envy and jealous of you. They may overlook the fact that what they had tried was not for them but was meant for you but some tend to walk around all their lives believing that life is unfair to them, when things they wanted were not meant for them and envy you all their lives, carry around bitterness and animosity towards you all because of jealousy and envy. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Instead of finding our purpose and enjoy and fulfill it. We tend to envy others and what they have; their jobs, status, finances and even their children/family to try to be like them or be better than them; poisoning selfish greed. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Sometimes people are jealous of you that they would cause you to lose your job, and family with false accusations leading to strife in family and jobs. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

I am always happy for others and their achievements in life as long as it’s done honestly. Your accomplishments are yours, your gifts are yours, they are distinct gifts from your design. I don’t envy others, I may see something and wish for it, but I don’t envy. There are times when you must let go off those wishes which are sometimes borne out of envy, jealousy, selfishness and greed because you want to be better than someone. However, everyone can achieve success in life.

Just don’t assume that your next door neighbor’s success will be same as yours. Try and find your purpose and distinct niche. Not saying you can’t achieve success like someone else, just don’t dwell on becoming exactly like someone because you may get what you wish for and don’t know what to do with it nor able to handle it because it was not meant for you like the one you envied as all it really was simply greed.

Don’t get discouraged by someone’s perception and opinion of you. Everyone will not love you but some will and when others find lies and misconceptions about you to make you feel small, the ones created in their minds. Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway

Who cares of others opinion of you? Don’t stress nor lose a wink of a sleep on it, that’s their perception and that’s their business, not yours. Know who you are and believe who you are. Live who you are and love who you are. Only try to change the negative things you could change about yourself. Stop convincing others of who you are.

Stop living up to others expectations of you. Aren’t you tired of living up to others expectation, impression, perception and opinions of you? That’s their opinion. That’s their business, who cares?

You can’t please everyone and don’t go changing to fit someone’s personality, you are who you are and uniquely so.

Stop pretending to be who you are not, to appease their minds and please them.

Stop trying to keep up with the ‘Joneses’ on the outside while you are ‘bankrupt’ on the inside. Simply be the very utmost best you can be.

Stop hiding your face and hiding your face behind somebody. Show your entire face, be bold. Walk in/with your own shadow, not anyone’s.

Believe in yourself and love yourself anyway.

I love who I am. Every pore, way down to my core.

Written by Donique C. Perez Copyrighted 2009/11/24 All rights reserved

Ben has been back to school since last Wednesday — fantastic! Everything seems to be going well at school. Every day when I go to pick him up, it seems like he has learned a new word that day. Yesterday the new word was “necklace”. Ben has gotten pretty good at learning new words through imitation, so his vocabulary is expanding at an increasing rate. I’m so impressed by the things that Ben learns without me really thinking about teaching him. It’s amazing how kids can pick things up just by watching the people around them.

Another thing that Ben is doing much more these days is saying hello and goodbye. It used to be that we would rarely get him to wave goodbye when we left, but now he does it every time. I think yesterday I even taught him to say “bye-bye” when he was waving. He is also doing a better job of waving hello to people when he greets them.

Ben is still pretty cranky in the morning, but for some reason he has been sleeping in later these past few days. Today we were able to sleep in until 6:40 with no interruption — sweet relief!

The windows are all open now, I surround myself with the things that I love... 
a bowl of grapes, white cotton nighty, unfinished books.
  The wind blows swollen melodies of lust and tenderness right across the room 
and into my brain... A conversation starts. It makes it that much harder 
to ignore the fact that I am alone.
 Suddenly the music feels too intimate. The implications and the heartbreak of every note 
magnifying the reality of where I am...where I want to be.
I long for a closeness that is fed by vulnerability....by weakness. 
Mine is a folded paper origami heart made 
from the Kleenex full of tears...  long since dried.
I remember how I fell from the sky and found gravity in my backbone.... 
how I stayed in that place where the light barely reached my finger tips 
until silent prayer became loud... until it felt like home.
 It crept up on me. In the folds and shadows of my skirts and my open books. 
In paintings and on snow covered sidewalks. In the drain of my bathtub...in the painful screech 
of my kettle that played a song of gratitude and shame and hope, over and over.
It’s hot now, the rain seems to have gone missing and the air smells like the color green,
 its sticky and full of chirping and incidents. Silverware outside, doors left open,
 hearts falling deeply and landing softly...I miss the little things most...
 and if I could write this is what I might say....
 

I cried not because I was sad but because I missed you so much and it just felt so good to be in your arms. It completely overwhelmed me and the tears just flowed.
I smile now, when I remember seeing such concern in your eyes, you looked at me, wondering what was wrong, you looked like you were ready to cry too but I just couldn’t stop. All i could have done at that point was look at you, hold your head in my hands and tell you that I love you.
When I finally told you the reason I was crying, you apologised…why? Don’t say sorry baby, you didn’t do anything, we both need to dedicate more time for us and once we do that, we’ll be fine.
You hugged and kissed me and that brought a smile to my face and my heart.
With your embrace, I felt something, something completely unexplainable…wow, just thinking about it now, leaves me speechless. As your hands caressed me, you raised every single pore, my heart raced and I smiled because it felt so good.
Sigh…baby you are all I want and could ever need, I honestly thank God everyday for you, you continue to make me the happiest woman in the world.

  afternoon into evening, still thinking about the imposition of intimacy. 
a few paragraphs now... but these have been good days for music.
the world of writing can last all night, becoming morning. 
I try to wonder about it before it slips away...
I wake up excited about anything... about dreams I can't remember
I suspect that everything’s more complicated than I think
and there are a million little strings attached to every choice
wait in vain, for a phone call or a letter
 or a look from someone to make it all right.
I've been taking baths twice a day, just to clear my mind.
a walk in the rain, the bookstore quickly, the hem of a dress... 
mint in the cold air on the walk home... girltalk.
impossibly charmed. 
standing in the kitchen alcove, drinking tap water....missing linoleum 
one blue elastic, one green. another bath-wet hair in braids, 


girltalk

to finish out these nights of writing.
at least three times a day, I have every reason to smile.
and i'm always, astounded by the people I love....
the way they hold my fragile stupid fears
blowing small bits of the scary off for me
and handing them back.
conversation hearts. 
warm clothes indoors, typing quickly. 
but it’s snowing underground.
grilled cheese, tomato soup
and just when I was starting to feel too indoors, the outside came in.
and I shivered in the sun.

Yes folks, you read that correctly. Today, my wife and I spent five hours together.

But wait, you say. You are ‘across the big pond’ from each other, are you not? Physically, yes we are. But we spent this time together. I felt her and she felt me. We talked, we listened, we laughed (often, as usual) and we teased. We had many moments when we forgot about the ‘pond’ altogether and just enjoyed the company and stimulating interaction between us.

Take a moment to let that thought sink in. We actually interacted on such a high, intellectual and psychological level that there were a plethora of moments when the distance, effectively, between us was zero.

That is awesome. Period.

Now, yes, we did feel apart a few times when one or both of us wanted to give a delicate kiss or good squeeze to the other. But each time that was short-lived, as we try not to dwell upon the obvious – or the depressing.

Now the big news… I have finally broken down and gone into more debt in order to visit my Princess. (Did I mention that is what I frequently call her? She loves it. Just ask her… ) This will happen at the end of December and go into January a bit. I expect to cry upon seeing her, and again when I have to leave. I am not one of those guys who holds his feelings back. Besides, our love is so strong, emotions are strong also and I would be foolish to try and repress them.

This will still cost a lot, so anyone caring to help out can go to our help us page and donate. Any funds received are most appreciated and will be acknowledged publicly on the blog! (anonymously if requested)

As you may remember from other places on this blog, it is ‘better’ if I visit my wife than the other way around. Stupid J-1 requirements. When will politicians do the right thing for the country (and the world) – by allowing those who come to get education in the USA to use it as they see fit, WHERE they see fit? It seems that they most everytime do whatever they think will least upset (or if they are really lucky, actually please) their constituents.

Do you, our dear reader have any idea how many unnecessary laws that should never have been written are out there? Even just on the national level? And what about all those whose usefulness is over and should be officially rescinded?

That is a strong thought also. Period.

A year or two ago a young couple lost their two-month-old son. They had him in bed with them and one of them must have rolled over on him in the night because when they woke up in the morning their beautiful baby boy was dead. A pastor friend of mine and I went over to their house that night. You talk about heartache! The boy’s daddy, a young fella, kept wallowing in the floor saying “God is judging me – God is judging me!” The pastor was trying to show them some scriptures when the mother blurted out: “I just don’t see how there can be a God.”And before you criticize her, you just wait till you wake up beside your dead baby.

I  said “Ma’am my heart goes out to you – I won’t try to say I know what you’re going through because I don’t. But I was reading a story this afternoon about a lady who had lost her baby boy too. She went to her pastor and said “Where was God when my boy died?”

He was stunned by the question like we all would be but he thought for a moment and said “Ma’am, God was in the same place He was when His Son died 2000 years ago.” And I’m telling you there’s a God in heaven that knows what it’s like to lose a baby boy. He knows what it’s like to lose a loved one and He can sympathize with your pain.

On top of that, I believe the grace of God takes care of little children and that baby’s in Heaven right now. And if mama and daddy are Christians – they might have to spend 40, 50, or even 60 years apart from their child and I know that sounds like such a long time. But looking back, 10,000 years from now, it won’t seem like that long at all.