YAYYYYYYY. EXCITEMENT!

Tomorrow I leave to the Drum Major Academy that’s being held at UCF until  Monday afternoon. For those of you who have no idea what a drum major is, 1. We have nothing to do with drums, 2. We are the highest rank of student leadership in a high school marching band. If you have ever seen a marching band show, a drum major is the person usually standing on a high podium in front of the band moving their arms about. If you aren’t into band at all or play a musical instrument a drum major provides a source of tempo for the band. Anyways, I’m going to a camp for drum majors where we learn leadership, how to conduct, and other necessary things needed to do our job. I’m going to be there until Monday marching, conducting, and being exhausted for the whole time in between. It’s pretty much going to be band camp on steroids. XD

After that camp I have a STEM camp at Indian River. STEM is Science Technology and Math. It’s a group for nerds. XD At that camp we’re going to learn all about different sciences and such. It’s all about science. That one ends Friday in the afternoon too. Then I’ll be done with camps for a while until band camp. This is finally the start of my summer!

While I’m at DMA I won’t be able to bring any computer or anything o the sort, I’m barely going to be able to use my cellphone so as you can assume blogging is impossible for those four days. At my STEM camp I am able to bring a computer but I was told that there’s no WiFi there for us to use. What college doesn’t have WiFi?! I’m hoping it’s just a misunderstanding or something like that. So I’m not bringing my computer to that camp either making it impossible to blog there also. So sorry for my absence. I’ll be back soon enough to tell you all about my adventures in the next week!

- K626.

I was completely engrossed in my computer, reading something for school. I looked up into a face I recognized immediately.

Here’s the moment where I have to make a decision. I have to quickly assess the situation and my mood before I even respond. How cordial I’ll be, how unapproachable I’ll be. I can be sarcastic way too soon sometimes and I hate leaving that impression with people.

“So why didn’t you tell him?” I asked. There is nothing more off putting to me than pretending. I never like when I am approached with the intentions of anything other than sincerity.

“Um…..I don’t know it?…..What?”

“I have a hard time believing you don’t know my name. I wear my name tag at work every time I’m there. I’ve taken your order many times.”

I saw the look in his eyes shift from nervous to uncomfortable in a second. We were in the coffee shop/sandwich place on campus. I’ll admit I was irritated at being disturbed for what seemed like a pick up line. I don’t have patience for it and I always have to be careful so that I’m not mean in response. He could have said anything other than what he had and I would have been more receptive. Since I saw the uncomfortable in his eyes, I knew I had to understand him as quickly as i could so I didn’t let on how irritated I was for reasons he wouldn’t comprehend.

‘I’m sorry. Yeah i do know you’re name.” He looked over a a couple of his friends at a nearby table. My eyes followed his and the friends quickly looked away….snickering. One thing I absolutely HATE is being the object of some sort of experiment. My irritation at the behavior was likely going to show in my conversation with this boy very quickly. I stood up and gathered my things. He took hold of my hand to stop me.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad. You wanna join me and my friends?” I just looked at him and he let go of my hand, understanding. “You’ll still take my order when you’re working? heh” Something inside me made me smile. “I think I have to. Next time just say hello Natalie or something. You were a little obviously clueless.”

“Yeah, I actually didn’t think you’d remember me….. Maybe we could hang out sometime?” I still looked at him. “So yeah, Natalie…I’m sorry i was kinda dumb.” “No worries” I said as i left.

Since that point, we have become friends, sort of. We have hung out, after my shifts at work. I’ve seen him around campus. He has since discovered he’s younger than me which I’ve made seem like a HUGE barrier as far as our friendship going any further. I’m never interested in that happening. With ninety nine percent of people I meet anyway. And while age really doesn’t make that much difference to me, maturity is actually a factor here, and he believes it does and it keeps him at a perfect distance. But I do feel like its a pointless effort to be nice about something, while trying hard not to hurt someone.

In thinking about him and a few other incidentals with some other folks, I realize how difficult life can be when your one focus is meeting a soul mate. Or getting laid. For in some senses, they unfold much in the same way. The approach, the brief interaction, the sting, the aftermath. How are the unassuming supposed to know the difference?

IF people had other agendas….ANY other agenda…. interactions with everyone would be so much easier. Unfortunately the vast majority of people are only looking someone to help them not be ‘lonely’ or help them feel loved. I feel like its such a waste of time and energy…..I’m always trying to figure out what someone is looking for and how I need to be reacting to them and trying to keep things flowing in the innocent way it should flow. I feel as though I’m always on my guard. But with any attitude I develop in regard to this, I’m misread. I’ve been labeled weird, snobbish, shy, sarcastic, stubborn, rude. But I don’t like being concerned about every interaction I have….so I make myself unapproachable unless I am the approachee. Then I’m friendly, drawing clear lines about who I am and what I’m thinking.

I wish that people would approach people with simple interest in who they are. With the intent to know them, give them something and receive something. It would save so much wasteful back and forth and could actually add some enrichment to a life rather then this constant search….. for something elusive because they aren’t sitting back letting a feeling develop. And I’ve actually lost some friends because I had no interest in the friendship transitioning to a romance. What in the hell stops you from caring for someone simply because you aren’t embarking on a romance? It confuses me to no end.

I see value in people beyond who they love. And they don’t have to be ‘mine’ to have value. The world doesn’t revolve around me. It definitely doesn’t revolve around any persons search for a soul mate. So why does everyone make it seem as if it does? And why are there so many people who say they are sad or lonely because they have no lover when they have family and friends AND potential all about them? Look in a different direction, accept all that life is putting in front of you, embrace it and move ahead.

I’ve had conversations with the boy whom this post began with regarding this subject. He came to school here in hopes of meeting a girl. Really??? You picked a place to attend school…..to meet someone? He’s very intelligent, very sensible…until it comes to this subject. He likes to say its because he’s a romantic. But everyone of his romances have ended in “she’s just wasn’t ‘the right one’” Well….. is he saying there is a right one? I hope he doesn’t miss her, like walk by her on the beach…. or miss her because he moved here…. or better yet, miss her because he chose the wrong school…… None of the idiocy regarding this is missed by me, heh, but everyone else seems to miss it damn it.

I love people. I try to be friendly, I try to be open, I try to be honest. Those things as of late seem to be getting me nowhere. and only frustrated.I have felt I’ve had to be on guard for years now with people, trying to understand their motives. I always assume their motives are different than what they are saying, because its been proven so many times that they are. My example here, this boy asking my name when he knew it, is a very harmless example, I’ve had much more serious violations of deceptive intentions. I’m pretty certain I’ll never be able to let my guard down. And that’s just as frustrating. I repeat often, if I want to interact and spend my life working with people, this is what i get to deal with.

Singapore is not looking too good with the haze. If only Captain Planet was real!

My eyes have been stinging the whole day. Smoke gets in my eyes, literally! And lil Navan‘s cough is getting worse. Not that ranting will keep the haze away. Let’s all pray for rain now.

The air is really stuffy. And polluted. Record breaking PSI 321 reading as at 11pm! So, the quality of air is officially hazardous. I hear face masks are sold out at a lot of places. And the bestsellers on qoo10 are face masks and air purifiers. Seriously? The haze not only affects our health, but also our skin! Our skin is the first line of defense in our body, so protect it well!

How harmful is it to our skin?

Well.. air pollutants are absorbed by the skin’s hydrolipidic (water and oil) film. Exposure to pollutants overtime means that instead of performing its role of protecting the skin, the film becomes a skin irritant and can result in weakened, compromised skin function. The complexion becomes noticeably more sensitive and prone to dehydration.

Pollution also increases the production of free radicals which accelerates skin ageing. Ekks!

What to do?

Thus, remember to apply moisturizers to restore moisture and at the same time provide a protective barrier on the skin.

Wear skincare and makeup products that has anti-oxidant, anti-inflammatory and soothing ingredients. Some of the common botanical extracts includes berry extracts (raspberries, blueberries), ginseng, green tea, seaweed and vitamins A, C, E and B5.

Also consider to protect your skin from inside out.  Include a good amount of veggies and fruits (that are high in Vitamin A, C and E) in your diet. And drink lots of water to stay hydrated.

At the end of the day, cleanse your face thoroughly but gently.

Because beautiful skin starts and end with cleansing!

Stay safe! Stay beautiful!

So, how are you protecting you skin from the haze?

The amounts shown are the median wealth (assets minus liabilities) of various countries: 50% of the population have more wealth, 50% of the population have less wealth. So the figures shown are spot-on in the middle, for each country.

The US doesn’t do so well. In fact, it does damn poorly. I fail to see how the US can take much pride in this.

Source is this AlterNet article by Les Leopold. He notes some reasons why the US is so poor in comparison:

Here’s a starter list:

• We don’t have real universal healthcare. We pay more and still have poorer health outcomes than all other industrialized countries. Should a serious illness strike, we also can become impoverished.

• Weak labor laws undermine unions and give large corporations more power to keep wages and benefits down. Unions now represent less than 7 percent of all private sector workers, the lowest ever recorded.

• Our minimum wage is pathetic, especially in comparison to other developed nations. (We’re # 13.) Nobody can live decently on $7.25 an hour. Our poverty-level minimum wage puts downward pressure on the wages of all working people. And while we secure important victories for a few unpaid sick days, most other developed nations provide a month of guaranteed paid vacations as well as many paid sick days.

• Wall Street is out of control. Once deregulation started 30 years ago, money has gushed to the top as Wall Street was free to find more and more unethical ways to fleece us.

• Higher education puts our kids into debt. In most other countries higher education is practically tuition-free. Indebted students are not likely to accumulate wealth anytime soon.

• It’s hard to improve your station in life if you’re in prison, often due to drug-related charges that don’t even exist in other developed nations. In fact, we have the largest prison population in the entire world, and we have the highest percentage of minorities imprisoned. “In major cities across the country, 80% of young African Americans now have criminal records” (from Michelle Alexander’s 2010 book, The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness).

• Our tax structures favor the rich and their corporations that no longer pay their fair share. They move money to foreign tax havens, they create and use tax loopholes, and they fight to make sure the source of most of their wealth—capital gains—is taxed at low rates. Meanwhile the rest of us are pressed to make up the difference or suffer deteriorating public services.

• The wealthy dominate politics. Nowhere else in the developed world are the rich and their corporations able to buy elections with such impunity.

• Big Money dominates the media. The real story about how we’re getting ripped off is hidden in a blizzard of BS that comes from all the major media outlets…brought to you by….

• America encourages globalization of production so that workers here are in constant competition with the lower-wage workers all over the world as well as with highly automated technologies.

Is there one cause of the middle-class collapse that rises above all others?

Yes. The International Labor organization produced a remarkable study (Global Wage Report 2012-13) that sorts out the causes of why wages have remained stagnant while elite incomes have soared. The report compares key causal explanations like declining bargaining power of unions, porous social safety nets, globalization, new technologies and financialization.

Guess which one had the biggest impact on the growing split between the 1 percent and the 99 percent? . . .

Continue reading.

I was up early to get my run in before class. I have trouble pulling myself out of bed at 6 a.m., and I didn’t get out the door until close to 6:30. Blah.

My run went pretty well though. I got 3 miles in at a 9:40 pace:

My splits improved each mile after a slow start…I need a bit of a warm-up when I run first-thing.

After my run, I made myself a BIG breakfast:
It was one of those mornings when everything sounded good, so I made everything!

Scrambled eggs and toast with peach-raspberry jam from the farmer’s market:

And a delicious mango-peach smoothie with fresh mint!

Just looking at this photo again makes me want to make another one of these babies ASAP. It had yogurt, soy milk, frozen mango and peaches and plenty of mint. So good!

Coffee to drink:

I ended up bringing most of my smoothie along with me to class because I didn’t have time to finish it. I was running late and made it to class later than usual.

No lab on Tuesdays, so after class I went to Staples to get some refills for my Pilot G2s and some new Magic Rub erasers (the BEST erasers!). Then I headed back home for lunch:

Leftover pasta! Still yummy.

But it did NOT fill me up. I was really tired though (I think my allergies were acting up), so I took a nap and then had a snack:

Green tea, gapes and chocolate covered almonds: the perfect study snack! I got all of my lab work  and some of the homework done, and then called it a day. I relaxed a bit before meeting Allen for a short hike!

We walked up some rocks at a nearby park and also took a short walk down the trail. There were some really great views:

It was also a really nice temperature. There were a lot of bugs though!

When we got home for dinner I was STARVING. I had a tempeh and rice bowl planned:

I made the “New-Wave Baked Tempeh” recipe from the Bean by Bean cookbook.

And I made some miso brown rice in the rice cooker. Topped with some sauteed broccoli with garlic. Yum!

After dinner, I was lacking much energy, and watched the Cardinals lose and then got to bed. I watched the end of the NBA finals game before calling it a night.

But these characters that we create, are they really human?

Do your characters use the bathroom ever?

Do your characters eat three meals a day?

Do your characters shower daily or weekly or ever?

Do your characters go by a normal week?

Do you keep track of day of the week for extra detail?

Do your characters change clothes every day?

There are so many things that are so small of a detail, but at the same time they seem so big. If I was to include the shower every morning that my character had would people get annoyed? If I told you the outfit each day that the character changed into would you care? Do you think it’s weird that my characters are on a journey and I haven’t mentioned once how they are bathing or using the bathroom?

Of course, yes if you’re characters are human then they do these things, but is it necessary to include alllll of these details? I guess not.

There are several impediments to being Moses, not the least of which he was not female. Promenade, original and signed limited edition print at Steve Henderson Fine Art, licensed open edition print at Great Big Canvas.

Admittedly, there are a few impediments: Moses is another person; he is no longer alive; he was male — even in today’s remarkably tolerant societal structure these are factors of consideration.

But no. I want to be Moses because he was God’s friend. He talked to, sometimes talked back at, God; was free to express his misgivings, doubts, and frustrations; and he lived a really long time in really good shape. He got angry now and then; anybody who has ever felt bad about snapping at someone else in a temper might want to conjure up the image of Moses hurling the stones with the 10 commandments to the ground. Makes a broken coffee mug look minor.

And despite all this, God delighted in him.

If I can’t be Moses, I will gladly settle for Joshua or Caleb, the only two men in their generation who lived through wandering in the desert, because they were the only two out of 600,000-plus warriors who said, “Yes! We can do this, because God says we can.”

Same problem though: another person, no longer alive, male.

But I suppose it’s more of the concept of the thing, and one of my problems is that I aim too low. Most of us do.

We aim too low, most of us; we need to dream bigger. Dream Big poster based on Bold Innocence, by Steve Henderson.

Crunch the numbers here: 600,000 warriors, add women and children, what are we coming up with — several million people? And the main thing we hear about these several million people is that 1) They don’t want to talk to God personally but would prefer that Moses do it and 2) They’re not particularly known for their strong, individual spirituality.

This sounds like contemporary Christianity, which encourages followers to look to the pulpit for weekly teaching, rounding out any gaps with a small group study or workbook-led Bible study time telling them what the words on the page are saying. I flipped through a book the other day, written by a notable Christian author whose name on the book’s cover is bigger than the title, who (paraphrased) said,

“Commentaries are vital to understanding the Bible. Do not think of studying the Bible without a commentary at your side.”

Perhaps it would be better if he had ended the sentence with, “Do not think.”

Granted, the Book gets a little complicated, but it has been conveniently (and at the cost of many lives) translated into English, Spanish, French, Norwegian — quite a few languages of choice — and we read complicated books in whatever language we speak all the time. Millions of readers of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice derive great enjoyment from the author’s wisdom, and they pass on what they’ve learned to others. Most of them manage just fine without workbook sheets and study guides. That they do not understand every single word which Jane wrote does not prevent them from enjoying what they do. And I don’t think that they’re particularly open to the concept that only professorial types are qualified to speak on and about Jane.

Each of us has our individual path to walk, with God. Blue Ribbon by Steve Henderson Fine Art.

Millions of Israelites were content to let Moses speak to God for them. Millions of Christians underestimate their ability to speak to, question, walk with, understand, and love God, without the proddings and instruction of a leader, a study guide, a DVD, or a facilitator. In their concern to avoid getting something “wrong,” intelligent people rely upon others to interpret truth for them, intrinsically believing that these people must be interpreting everything “right.” Who needs the Holy Spirit when we have Ph.D.s?

And while these leaders are presumably more qualified than the rest of us because they have purportedly studied the intricacies of Greek and Hebrew and Aramaic and Latin (don’t bet on it), this doesn’t give us excuse to hand over the reins of our learning about, interacting with, and walking beside God to a third person party. Others, “experts” or not, can be a part of the process, if we so choose, but our walk with God is just that — our individual and unique walk with God.

So why can’t I, or you, be Moses? He was God’s friend.

Same God, interacting with a different person. I’m sure if we ask Him, He’ll respond.

• Original Paintings at Steve Henderson Fine Art
• Signed Limited Edition Prints at Steve Henderson Fine Art
• Inspirational Posters at Steve Henderson Fine Art
• Open Edition Licensed Prints at Great Big Canvas
• Open Edition Licensed Prints at Light in the Box
• Posters at Amazon.com, AllPosters.com, Art.com, and Sagebrush Licensed Fine Art

Manufacturers and retailers, license Steve’s art through Art Licensing.

June 9 was supposed to be my last expensive trip in Japan. Emily and I had ordered shinkansen (speed bullet train) tickets to Yokohama – the second most populated city in Japan – to relax in the hot springs and watch some fireworks with Souma.

First things first, let’s go relax in some hot springs that are … filled with unusual liquids. From the top of my mind, there was a coffee bath, a beer/sake bath, a wine bath, a green tea bath, a honey bath, a pudding bath and a … I forgot. Either way, there were a lot, and oh my god some of them were scalding hot!! But it was awesome nonetheless. We spend about 3 hours there, while some Russian dude tried to flirt with us (the memory will make Emily laugh spontaneously). HONESTLY I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION OKAY!?

The green tea bath! Was pretty popular.

Me in the wine bath. I loved this one. The temperature was pleasant, the wine smelled like candy, and the red water made your skin look purple, which was cool.

Also, they had a waterslide, which I went down on super fast and it was actually kind of dangerous so I slowed myself down. But despite slowing down, I crashed into the water so hard, it blew out my eardrum. I was deaf on one side of my ear for the rest of the time until we found a drugstore where I could pay some q-tips to clean out my ear.

The city this hot spring was in was not Yokohama but. Uh. Well, city names just get fuzzy to me after a while. Either way, it was apparently a city known for its resorts, and a lot of people go their for their wedding anniversary. It was up in the mountains and very scenic and beautiful I’d definitely go back there again.

Time to go to China Town in Yokohama and meet up with Souma! Yes, Japan’s got a China Town. Apparently it’s the largest one in Asia.

The gate that leads to China Town!

Met up with Souma (who’s a wimp and didn’t want to come swim with us), and walked around China Town for a bit. Honestly, I felt like we were short on time, I could probably spend hours walking around there looking at everything, but we were on a schedule. Got some more windchimes in this haul (I collect them). We found an all you can eat restaurant, and surprisingly … they did not speak Chinese, but Japanese. Heh. I had some sharkfin dumplings, and they were actually pretty good! The duck, not so much. Screw Chinese duck, I’m never having it again.

Purikura time! Because. You know. It’s a thing.

And because it’s also a thing to cover up people’s eyes. Obviously Emily and I don’t care.

After China Town, we went to this … tower thingy at Yokohama bay overseeing Cosmoworld (it’s a themepark). I forgot what the name was – but man, that elevator made my ears pop. I feel bad for the clerks that have to repeat the same info over and over again while the elevator goes up and down. Souma suggested to watch the fireworks up here, but that would mean we wouldn’t have time to ride the …

Awesome fucking ferris wheel!

So after a bit of wishy washy talking, we went to stand in line for the ferris wheel! The line was … long. It took twenty minutes give or take, because people were trying to ride the thing in time for the fireworks. I wondered why people would both sit on the same side of the cart, which makes the entire thing slanted because of the combined weight. Souma said it’s because it’s more romantic. It was funny seeing one guy pull his girlfriend over to his side as they sat in the cart XD

View of Cosmoworld from the ferris wheel.

The ferris wheel was unbearably slow. It took 15 minutes to make a full cycle, all the while this automatic message was playing over the speakers to talk about some facts. Ferris wheels in Japan are so weird to me, since they’re fully enclosed and they take forever to complete. Mine are open like this, and take about 5 minutes to finish. Souma asked me about safety because the carts are open and no one is strapped in … and I guess the Dutch don’t really do safety XD common sense is what we practice, I guess.

After that was over, we went down to the bay and found a spot to watch the fireworks from. It was super crowded V_V but to be expected. The fireworks were super pretty though! There were ones I hadn’t seen before – and they had rainbow coloured ones too! Those were the best. I loved how the entire crowd kept going ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at almost each and every single explosion. It was like a live laugh track to a sitcom, except for awe and applause.

I’ve got a recorded video as well, but I guess a picture will do for now!

Getting back to our station for the shinkansen was a pain, because the entire crowd was going to the station as well. Talk about getting lost in a crowd! No wonder they show this in anime a lot, where the guy will hold the girl’s hand so she doesn’t get separated, because … YOU TOTALLY DO GET SEPARATED WITHOUT IT! AHH!!

All in all, it was a very busy day, got to see lots of things, experience new things, and it was fun. I just get the feeling there weren’t enough hours in the day though, everything felt a bit rushed so to speak

Oh, and Souma gave me a present! It was this awesome little sketchbook and he drew MomoKai on all of the pages *_* gahh it was so cute, and pretty! Made me feel inadequite for giving him a pathetic non-coloured drawing of MomoKai. And oh boy it’s making me feel super guilty, too. I’ll make it up to you Souma! If you’d e-mail me back already and give me your damn address. If Makoto, whose English is below average, can send me one, so can you!

Ahh, my time in Japan is coming to an end soon. I will most definitely want to go back again next year, but it all depends on money

But now I stop and let you look the pictures.

Keychains… umm, yes it does look little odd but it does fit me. I can easily add my phones, camera and home keys. Only problem is my bag.

Just a little doing to look like it’s mine.

I like this part. Wasn’t easy to do with wrong tools.

My weekly view of what I should or should not to do.

Started to use week on a view with the notes. Somehow that does do go better with me.

The pencils what I did bought and loving them. Those do give a shade to other side but not badly. And also dry quickly.

Another view of my week how I made it look.

This is the best part from this week. And I also did start to go gym so it’s fitting.

Moomin divider made from another calendar.

My june month is watery.

The other day my son was building this tower out of his crayons,  glue sticks and stampers.

I came into the room and did one of my fake cries and “nobody likes me” silly acts.

I do this act from time to time with all my kids.

Works like a charm to get my kids to confess their undying love for me.

( maybe I’m slighty exaggerating here )

But on this day my 6 year old was not to be charmed.

“Behave!” he told me.

After wards, I thought about how many times he must hear that in his day.

When you have  a child with ADHD, you tend to over use certain words to express your frustration.

I realized after having this word thrown at me in my teasing moment with my son that it wasn’t probably the best way to express myself.

Or in the case of my son…what he really meant was that he was in the middle of something and could I come back later.

I think after this incident I will just remove “behave” from my vocabulary.

I’m probably not going to give up my fake cry or silly act anytime soon.

I can though, be respectful of my son and his need for quiet time and teach him to do the same for others.

]]> http://leherrisonf.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/11092/ Wed, 19 Jun 2013 15:12:46 +0000 Isabel http://leherrisonf.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/11092/

Your soul…you paid, with your soul…

小美人魚為了擁有真愛與永恆不滅的靈魂，願意犧牲自己最美妙的歌聲，願意忍受身體撕裂般的痛苦，最後在命運捉弄、希望破滅的時刻，小美人魚克制了妒忌，對王子的摯愛讓她放棄了最後一次機會，她把匕首扔向大海，自己化為海面上的泡沫。

小美人魚並沒有感到滅亡，陽光柔和地、溫暖地照在泡沫上，「我將向誰飄去呢？」小美人魚流下眼淚，向上帝的太陽舉起祈禱的手臂，但是，由於小美人魚沒有像人類那樣永恆不滅的靈魂，所以暫時無法飄到天國。原來美人魚家族一出生便是沒有靈魂的，除非有人類至死不渝地愛她，並且願意與她共享屬於人類的靈魂——這就是為什麼小美人魚在救了遭遇船難的王子之後，不惜喝下巫婆的毒藥，將魚尾變成人兒般的雙腳，希望王子能夠全心全意地愛她，可是王子愛錯了人，小美人魚最後悲傷失望地死去。在這裡，「愛」與「靈魂」是整篇童話故事的主軸。

—《愛，要不要靈魂——生命中最大的交易》

And I have two quizzes, two assignments and I have to study for my major subject tomorrow AND let’s not forget that I have to read in advance in one of the subjects that I have currently with a monster of a teacher. 

Oh the life of a (wannabe?) writer. 

I’m thinking some kind of raptor or owl attack? In any case, he’s hardcore…for a rabbit.

After an attempt at an abstract conversation about the choice of party “animación” as it is called with C several months ago, we hired a group to be “Hi 5″, that beloved quintet of originally Aussie actors who have been amusing kids on TV since the mid 90s. Our guest list was composed of some 45 adults and 20 children so I threw a theme party for the grownups too. And in the spirit of Hi 5´s origins, it was of course a Down- Under party.

An inflatable 4 ft kangaroo set the stage, along with full-page color prints of Harbour Bridge, the Sydney Opera, Steve Irwin and Paul Hogan of course and countless crocs and koalas. Furniture was moved, the walls were covered with streamers and balloons and most breakable electronics hidden from reach of sticky little fingers.

Sausage rolls and steak sandwiches were on the menu for the adults and the little folks ate hot dogs rolled in empanada wrappers (empa-panchos, as I like to call them). Copious amounts of potato chips and humus, guacamole and baba ganoush were on hand too (not very Aussie, I admit, but they are our favorite spreads…)

Once the “animación” was well underway and the kids bounced around the living room to the sounds of Hi 5 in Spanish (Cinco sentidos, tengo cinco sentidos, cuantos hay, Hi 5…) the adults were divided into two teams for a friendly game of Austra-trivia. Questions ranged from the Animal Kingdom (are kangaroos nocturnal o diurnal) to the country´s origins (where were the explorers who “discovered” Australia from? and yes, it´s a trick question, if you said England, you are wrong…) to Culture and Sports. Where did I get such a game, you might ask? Oh, I made it. Yup, I am a nerd who´s cheap thrills are achieved by drafting trivia questions for my friends so that I can play a game at my son´s 3rd birthday. Might as well just embrace it. Once a nerd, always a nerd. Can´t teach an old nerd new tricks, and so forth….

I had a great time. No small feat considering I inherited my mother´s addiction to minor bouts of stress in the roll-up to a big social gathering at one´s home. I actually got to enjoy this party, my son, his friends, my friends, my family (my in-laws of course took over the cooking, both on the grill and in the oven, I expected nothing less..) and my dear old dad who just happened to be visiting and made my day by being there. I of course did NOT get to taste my amazing lamb-burger sausage roll, as nerves did away with my appetite until about 7 pm, long after the guests had departed. That was when I knocked back about three slices of my chocolate cream cheese birthday cake and promptly gave myself indigestion. But I did feel like I was part of this event and not just a crazed planner racing around on some surreal yet visible backstage of my own home.

Once the feliz cumple was sung, the cupcakes devoured and all of the presents unwrapped, we snacked on left-overs and sighed contentedly. It was just the sort of day I had wished for.

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Whether

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When my mood drops to this level and darkness looms in my heart I don’t want someone preaching to me about any happy, shiny Jesus stuff. I want to know He’s with me even in the dark. Not so quick to turn on a light but to offer me Himself IN the darkness.

I wrote on facebook yesterday about a story I’d read of a woman who had prayed for a little boy who was very sick. She just knew in her spirit that God would heal him. He died. It rocked the foundations of her faith. The boy was her son. She wrote of being angry at the church groups who make God out to be like a good luck charm. I commented how her story both scared and comforted me. Scared me because I want God to be my genie-in-a-bottle who performs at my every whim, and He isn’t. Comforts me because I don’t want God to be my genie-in-a-bottle who performs at my every whim, and He isn’t.

I need more stories of grit and mess and uncomfortableness. To see how others walk out this life, struggling towards hope, without their questions (and prayers) answered, wrestling with the invisible One, and putting one limping foot in front of another. I know that the impossible is possible with God and I know all the stories and verses on healing. What I’m talking about is needing (like desperately needing) to know this life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to; that God isn’t God because He answers our every prayer the way we want, even if it is for healing. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll only want Him because of what He can do, instead of for who He is. Does that make sense? I’ve had a lot more experience with myself and others who stumble and crawl and shake their fists at heaven than with those who have healing and deliverance from their various problems. I want to know God IN my problems. I say that out of one side of my mouth, while the other side is screaming for release and perfection. There are a hundred different things I’m still battling that I was five years ago. Sure there are things I am no longer battling, but for the ones that I am and have prayed, or begged, about……I need to know He is still here, that’s He’s still got me and this life He has me living. I might be rambling a little. Sorry.

Yesterday I moved through my day by preparing a lengthy dinner process at 10:30 in the morning, ironing, watering the yard, and watching the leaves’ shadows dancing on the wall. It wasn’t a bad day, wasn’t a great one either. Just a day. Sometimes I had music on, sometimes I chose the silence. I found solace in the mundane. I wasn’t trying to ‘do’ anything or ‘prove’ anything. As I look back on it, those acts were forms of prayer from a heart that is quietly aching and a soul that needs untangling.