Princessa the Goat

When I was in my preteens and early teenage years my family raised dairy goats for companionship, 4-H, and dairy. This was my first foray into culturing foods: yogurt making. We also used the whey to assist the lacto-fermenting process of pickles and sauerkraut. Mom made a mean vegetarian Reuben with sauerkraut, horseradish, Swiss cheese and sun-dried tomato deli slices.

The habit stuck around and I make my own veggie Reubens with raw sauerkraut on homemade sourdough rye and serve it with a fermented pickle. Nom, nom, nom.

This past fall was the first time I started doing water kefir and I’m in love. I ordered a single packet of water kefir grains from Cultures for Health, and while I haven’t been as diligent in refreshing the water every 48 hours I have thoroughly enjoyed the beverages I’ve created with it. I like the flavor profile when I feed the grains with dark, natural sugars which is why the picture above looks cloudy and brown – that’s the leftover dark brown sugar from holiday baking! I mix it with fruit juices – a splash of concentrated lemon, lime, cherry or cranberry is refreshing and tasty. I’ve also added fresh and dried fruit blends when bottling it to go in the fridge.

My sourdough starter is in its third winter now. I store it in the refrigerator when I am not using it regularly, I’ve just pulled it back out of the fridge after a couple of weeks of hibernating. I’ll use it in the bread machine this week as I’ve got a full schedule of clients and little time to follow a traditional kneading-rising-kneading-rising-forming-baking cycle. Because I alternate the flours I use for feedings you’ll see mine has a bluish hint to the separated water on the surface – that’s caused by rye flour feedings and will stay with the starter for many months.

Since we’re at the peak of winter eating now I’m seeing a lot of kale and bok choy pass through our kitchen. In a hurry the other evening I tossed this kale with a bit of olive oil, roasted it just until the edges were getting a hint of color to them (we’re not making kale chips here), and also roasted half of a butternut squash I had in the cold room leftover from Farmer Dave’s fall CSA. Quickly I assembled the roasted kale on the bottoms of giant soup bowls, added Nella’s cooked mushroom ravioli and topped with roasted squash cubes. Heaven!

What have you been up to lately? What are you eating this month?

The days go by and she is still forgotten.
In the dark of her bedroom she dances alone and talks to the walls.

She raises a glass and makes a toast to friends she helped one day and now they are very well to remember her, a toast to the few friends who used to remember her only when they needed something, a toast to friends she didn’t have when she needed, a toast to friends that she no longer needs, a toast to all the friends she thought she had, but, in fact, she never had.

She makes a toast to her own company, a toast to her solitude, her pain, her scars, to the darkness that embraces her and to her tears,
because that’s all she truly has.

“The ones I remember are the ones who forget me…
But I say to myself: “They do not deserve me…”
And now I’m not so abandoned!
[...]
That is also proud to be alone.
It is also nobility to have nothing!“

When the dark days come, it hard to fight back your beaten down, let the gates open and run, make your own light to your own road because at the end of the race is happiness 

“Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes” Genesis 18:27 (NIV)

We enjoy an amazing dynamic with our Lord and God, Jesus Christ. We can approach Him with our requests whenever we pray to Him. We have a Father with boundless resources who will give freely what is within His good pleasing and perfect will. We know God is out there and He’s got our backs.

Let us remember how great He is. Let us not take Him for granted. Let us not forget Him when things are great and remember Him when things are tough. Let us enjoy our relationship with Him, as child to Father. Let us remember to remain humble, as we approach Him confidently, for we know our needs and requests will be heard by our loving and just Father. “Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.” Ephesians 3:12 (NLT)

May it be on the dark days or the great times, remember, Jesus knows what is up with us, and readily He will hear what we got to say to Him. Come forward and tell Him how you feel, from joy to depression, He will hear it. And be in faith that He will address it for there is nothing impossible to God. Respect God for He is the only reliable Father we have, whom we should address confidently for He respects and loves us as He hears us in confidence.

^“And this is the confidence (the assurance, the privilege of boldness) which we have in Him: [we are sure] that if we ask anything (make any request) according to His will (in agreement with His own plan), He listens to and hears us.” 1 John 5:14 (AMP)

10/365

Carol anne

Trying to put out all that fills my mind is getting worse. I do not know why I keep torturing me. I can simply choose one of the things that I wrote one day and post (after a review). Not that they are extraordinary, but it would be less complicated that way. It would be! But it is not. I borrowed a friend’s brain because I know I’m useless trying to think of “adorable stories.” She will write something, maybe, someday. After that, I felt a bit degrading and pitiful. Fortunately, I gave up trying to be a scriptwriter before I became a concrete failure.

“I’m on my way down. I’m on my way down now.”

Some people say that December brings sadness, melancholy. To some others, this is the month of personal retrospective. And, also, the month of the promises, plans and wishes for the next year. I do not face this month with sadness, melancholy, nostalgia or hope. It is just a month. December will end in a few hours. Another year is coming… Nothing special about it.

“The minute that it’s born. It begins to die.”

I wanted to finish this year with something different. But I could not stop thinking about Nellin. She hates Christmas! For her, Christmas means falsehood, hypocrisy. All the year being called stupid, worthless, incapable, piece of shit, ridiculous… But on Christmas night everything changes. He pretends to change. She has to smile and be kind or her mother will suffer the consequences later. Nellin hates Santa Claus. Once, she wrote him a letter, but she never had the gift she asked. She hated him for that.  She felt ignored. “And about the letters sent to him?” Who cares Nellin?! Nobody reads them. Don’t you think that someone would have been intrigued by a letter from a child asking for a gun as a Christmas present? I also could not stop thinking about the girl alone on the beach looking at the sea. She took a deep breath and pulled the trigger. But nobody noticed because  they were excited with that first seconds of  the New Year.

“I’ve been to black and back.”

I challenged myself and I failed. I failed again. I failed trying to do something different, trying to write something different, trying to think something different. I tried to take a thorn from me and it made me feel three times worse.

“A lack of pain, a lack of hope, a lack of anything to say.”

Maybe my eyes are distorted, or my brain is very disturbed. I do not know! What I do know is that, for some reason, I cannot ignore the fact that there is a Nellin asking for a gun, a Nellin who have to sleep hungry because there is not enough food for the whole family, a Nellin who only wanted a chocolate cake because she can only eat chocolate cake once a year and she really likes it, a Nellin who cannot sleep because her younger brother does not stop crying and her parents are drunk at some bar, or the people who lost hope for a better year and are very tired of being called weak, they are just tired of trying and failing. I cannot ignore that there are other lives outside the window being ignored and forgotten because they are not “beautiful stories to be told.”

“I’d love to just give in. I’d love to live this lie.”

 ” I’ve looked ahead and everything is dead. I guess that I am too”

Soundtrack: Minute of Decay – Marilyn Manson

]]> http://culinariaeugenius.wordpress.com/2012/12/30/watch-out-2013/ Sun, 30 Dec 2012 19:44:31 +0000 Eugenia http://culinariaeugenius.wordpress.com/2012/12/30/watch-out-2013/ http://amourningmom.com/2012/12/26/my-ghost-of-christmas-past/ Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:02:13 +0000 amourningmom http://amourningmom.com/2012/12/26/my-ghost-of-christmas-past/ http://thesceneasweknowit.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/the-scene-joel-faviere-ex-get-scared-releases-new-song/ Mon, 24 Dec 2012 19:27:17 +0000 The Scene As We Know It http://thesceneasweknowit.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/the-scene-joel-faviere-ex-get-scared-releases-new-song/

Joel Faviere, former vocalist for post hardcore outfit, Get Scared, has released a brand new song, titled, “Stupid & Anxious.” The track comes off the solo artists upcoming debut full length, Dark Days, which will is due out early 2013 via We Are Triumphant.

You can check out the new song below:

You may have seen Bombdrop’s name here on TECB before. If you have, congratulations, you’re one of approximately one that has been paying attention to what we publish. Anyway, the reason I’ve mentioned the name is that he’s had an album in the making for a little while now, and I’ve had the chance to hear a couple of tracks in advance. It has the potential to be the biggest hip-hop record to ever come out of the smallest state. “Raw Deal,” featuring Bomb’s fellow Rhode warrior Milez Grimez and two of Duck Down’s grimiest, Ruste Juxx and Rockness Monstah, is the first official single from the much-anticipated Dark Days LP, directed by Vertygo.

If you’re wondering how the rest of the album is shaping up, just think along the lines of a Snowgoons album. But with better emcees. And good production.

Keep it locked to TECB for more news on Bombdrop’s album status.

Rugged posse cut from the forthcoming album “Dark Days”.

1. Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry
This compelling documentary explores three years in the life of celebrated Chinese artist and activist Ai Weiwei, who uses social media and his art to inspire protests against the state… more

2. Jiro Dreams of Sushi
This delectable documentary profiles sushi chef Jiro Ono, an 85-year-old master whose 10-seat, $300-a-plate restaurant is legendary among Tokyo foodies… more

3. Mansome
From director Morgan Spurlock and producers Will Arnett and Jason Bateman comes a raucous but thoughtful documentary examining what defines masculinity… more

4. Children Underground
This Oscar-nominated documentary explores the tragic policy decision by Romanian dictator Nicolei Ceaucescu to outlaw the use of contraceptives and encourage his impoverished populace to have more children… more

5. Grizzly Man
Renowned nonfiction director Werner Herzog chronicles the tragic and untimely death of outdoorsman Timothy Treadwell, who devoted his life to studying grizzly bears… more

6. The Invention of Dr. NakaMats
This hilarious documentary from director Kaspar Astrup Schroder profiles prolific Japanese inventor Yoshiro Nakamatsu… more

7. A Matter of Taste: Serving Up Paul Liebrandt
Sally Rowe’s documentary dishes a rare glimpse into the heated world of haute cuisine, with brilliant and controversial chef Paul Liebrandt… more

8. Indie Game: The Movie

This captivating documentary follows several independent game designers as they painstakingly develop their games and hope for breakthrough success… more

9. Only When I Dance

To achieve their shared dream of becoming ballet superstars, two young black dancers from the slums of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, must overcome poverty, prejudice and incredible odds… more

10. Man on Wire

Philippe Petit captured the world’s attention in 1974 when he walked across a high wire between New York’s Twin Towers… more

11. Dark Days

Documentarian Marc Singer trains his camera on a group of homeless people who live in an abandoned New York City railroad tunnel… more

12. The Great Happiness Space

This compelling film explores the rarely seen world of Japanese host boys, men who are paid to entertain wealthy women in exclusive nightclubs… more

13. America the Beautiful

Director Darryl Roberts’ provocative documentary examines America’s fixation with outward appearance and the unrealistic standards of beauty… more

14. Without the King

In this provocative documentary about Swaziland’s ruling family — the last absolute monarchy on the African continent — King Mswati III faces myriad challenges as he governs a troubled, poverty- and AIDS-stricken country… more

15. First Position

Follow dancers training for the Youth America Grand Prix, one of the world’s most prestigious ballet competitions… more

Adoration of the Child by Gerrit van Honthorst

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
2 Corinthians 4: 6

On this morning after the longest night of the year, I look out the window eagerly seeking a post-solstice reprieve from interminable darkness.  I seek that promise of being led back into the light, even if it will take months to get there.  It is a promise that keeps me going even if I can barely perceive the few minutes of extra daylight today.  It is from the simple knowledge that things are changing, getting lighter and brighter, that I harvest hope.

God made light through His Word, not once but twice.  In the beginning, He created the sun and the moon to penetrate and illuminate the creation of our hearts and our souls.  In the stable He came to light the world from below as well as from above so those hearts and souls could be saved from self-destruction.

I am showered with His light even on the longest night of the year and forever more,  lit from the glory of God reflected in the many faces of Jesus: as newborn, child teacher, working carpenter, healer, itinerant preacher, unjustly condemned, dying and dead, raised and ascended Son of God.  Let the dark days come as they certainly will.  They cannot overwhelm me now,  lit from within no matter how deeply the darkness oppresses.

I know His promise.
I know His face.
He knows I know.

Joel Faviere, former vocalist for post hardcore outfit, Get Scared, has released a Christmas EP, titled, All Wrapped Up. Faviere will be releasing his debut full length, Dark Days, early 2013 via We Are Triumphant.

You can download All Wrapped Up for free here, and check out a song from the EP, “Mr. Grinch,” below:

Dark days have come.

Sometimes you just have to let it all out, and better with strangers than with close friends. Welcome to shared thoughts from my life, thoughts that I find important, at least at the time I am writing them. There’s no more purpose to the blog than that – perhaps you will enjoy those insights into the mind of another, and see how it feels to look out from behind someone else’s eyes.

Not that it will always be fun or comfortable, but it may be intriguing. Give it a try – you may like it.

Why don’t I say my friend’s name?  Because I don’t want you to know their name.  I’m protecting them as much as I can.

Why don’t you want to hold babies?  Why do you put your hands behind your back?  I love babies and children.  I have always babysat and kids always come up to me.  I still don’t want to pick them up or hold them.  I can see in their eyes that they want me to come over to them, but I can’t.  I even was on a date and the guy I was with just couldn’t understand why the babies were smiling and following me around.  That’s just how it is.  Still I guess I’m afraid they will feel what I feel inside.  I don’t want them to feel that.  Babies and children should never have to feel what I feel.  They should be happy.

What happened to your Facebook page?  You’re going to have to ask a certain group of people that question.  When you know someone is watching your page and you hear someone trying to use it against you, then yes you delete it.

Oh yeah btw when I reblog stuff it’s because I like it.  It has nothing to do with anyone else.  It’s for my benefit.  Very touching and enlightening stuff.  Sometimes I have to laugh like that co-worker one.

So what if your co-workers ”happened to stumble upon” this blog?  I hope they learn some things about me.  I hope they’ve learned that I’m not a dumbass.  I hope they’ve learned that I would like them to let me share things with them.  To me they would be poking their noses into things again.  I should have a choice of sharing and to me sneaking into my life is another reason why I won’t share anything with them.  So I would like them to stop doing whatever they are doing, but I know they won’t because everything is a joke to them.  They don’t understand anything.  I know they won’t read anything completely and will only think that I’m crazy and suicidal.  I don’t like them doing it and would like them to please stop, but of course I know they won’t listen and they never know when to stop.  They just enjoy having a laugh at me and trying to find something new to destroy me in any way possible.  All because they don’t understand me.  No it’s not just that.  It’s something else that makes them the way they are.  Still some of them might think sneaking around in the background is a way of me sharing things with them.  Fine now they would know stuff.  So I wonder if they are happy?  I wonder if they are scared?  Are they satisfied?  Is it amusing to them?  Are they going to try to use this blog against me in some way?  Does the whole place know about it now because I know they can never keep anything to themselves.  Have they been complaining about it?  Am I going to have to go to a meeting?  Have they shared it with the wrong person?  Was it their plan all along?  Yep you’d have to ask them that wouldn’t you?

Do I think all of my co-workers are like how I describe them up above?  No.  I’m not talking about those co-workers.  If they “happen to stumble upon” this blog by “accident,” then they know which ones I’m talking about.

I know exactly what has been done to me.  I know who did it and I know what they did.  The thing is I won’t tell you what they did, but it was all illegal.  So any time someone butts into my life I will always think it’s in an illegal way.  Oh yeah I know what happened and I won’t forget.

Did I cut myself?  I don’t know did you take a good look?  Do I have scars? What about last year or the year before?  Did you notice any cuts on me before?  Have I covered them with makeup?  Think about that for a minute.  Did you fail the test?

Who are “the others?”  Not going to tell you.  Some people know who “the others” are.

Do you think “the others” have found this blog?  Hell yeah they probably have known about it for a long time and probably have shared it with…   “The others”  possibly are pissed off now.  I’m sure they didn’t want…nvm.  Still if “the others” are reading.  I’m pretty sure they know…

Are you crazy?  No I’m not.  I’ve just been treated like I was crazy, so maybe after a while you start acting that way.  It’s kind of like when you treat someone like they are stupid, so they don’t ever speak up when they know the right answer.  I have met a lot of people like that.  People treated them like they didn’t know anything, so they let them think that and they were wiser and more knowledgable than anyone else.  So in that sense maybe I’ve become crazy.  No I haven’t.  I do write crazy, so maybe my hands are crazy?

Kind of funny, people always listen to stupid people first.

Why don’t you talk about what happened to you?  Because most people know about it.  Why am I going to tell someone, something they all ready know?  Maybe they don’t know exactly everything, but they seem so eager to know.  I don’t think it’s any of their business so no I will not share it.  If I think I might get killed or harmed in some way, believe me everyone will know before I die.  I’ll make sure of that.

Everything about my life has been changed.  My life is not mine any more.  It’s what someone was told about it, and the worse thing is, everyone believed it. So yes I have cried trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong, when I know I didn’t do anything.  When I know I’m innocent, but still I have been tormented by others because they think I’m guilty.  I’ve even asked God, “Why?  What did I do?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why do people treat me the way they do?  Why is everything of mine something someone tries to destroy? Why won’t they leave me alone? Why have they destroyed everything I hold dear?” So yeah.  I keep going because I have to.  I do have bad days where I’m fighting with different things.  Yes I have had thoughts of suicide.  I fight those thoughts because I know that’s not me.  Plus I have some things I have to do and I will do them even though I have obstacles in my way.  I won’t let anyone destroy me ever again.

Still a part of me wants to be the old me.  Go out and drink and party.   I never enjoyed that.  I used to watch my friends fall flat on their face from drinking.  No I don’t think that’s something I want to see.  No I want to live and have fun in a different way, even if it’s considered boring to others.  I still think it’s funny people think I can go out to a bar and dance and not have one drink.  Who needs a drink to have fun?  Nevermind don’t answer that.

Still a part of me wants to give up, but I will fight in any way I can.

Still because everyone is afraid of what they have heard about me no one treats me with respect.  They believe it and so it affects how they treat me.  Believe me you know when someone is afraid of you.  You know when someone doesn’t want you around.  You will always attribute it to what you know is being said about you.  So you will always be distant even when you don’t want to be.

=========================================================

Dream.

I woke up in a dark and quiet room.  I think this time I’m all alone.  I think I’d rather not be alone right now.  I wish the other me was hugging me now.  I guess I made her sad like me.

“No I’m here.”

“Good.”

“Yeah the darkness.”

“Yeah I thought so.”  I felt her arms around me.

“I’m scared.”

“I know.  It’s your fault you know trying to talk about things I don’t want to talk about.”

“Yeah…still you know why.”

“Yeah I do.”

“You’ve been crying again.”

“Yes I have.  I just don’t understand anything any more.  I wish I could go back and time and warn myself.   All I wanted was… Now I know that was a big mistake.  I will never ever…”

“You’re getting angry.”

“Yeah.”

“Still.”

“What am I supposed to learn from it?  That people are evil?  That people are cruel?  That people are racists?  That people think you should never change?  That people will stop at nothing to destroy you?  That people will never admit their mistakes?  So, instead of them admitting they are wrong they try to cover it up, which causes all kinds of damage in another way.  That people never know when to stop?  That people are monsters?  I don’t want to be in a bubble.  I feel like a damn prisoner sometimes.  Except no one feeds me for free.  I have to buy my own food.”

The other me started to laugh at the last part.  “Shut up!”

I kind of laughed too.  “So other me what am I supposed to learn from it?”

She got quiet and didn’t talk for a while.  “I don’t know.  Only God knows.”

“I guess…”

“No you haven’t failed the test.  You have some homework to do.”

“That’s not you.”

“I know…”

“Thank you Jesus!”  I thought for a minute.  “You know that thing that was missing from my flash light?”

“Yep.”

“I found it.  Just laying there for I don’t know how long.  I thanked Jesus for that.  You know I thank Jesus for a lot of things even the small things.  Even the things that haven’t happened.  I thank him for them.”

“A small blessing is better than no blessing.”

“That’s right.”  I smiled and hugged her back.

“You’re hugging me back.”

“Thanks captain obvious.”  Yeah I was.

“Now…”

“Nope…still gonna wait for a knife.  Let me take the baby steps ok?  When you try to make me run it makes me stop.”

“All right.  I’ll let you take baby steps.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you going to stop thinking people are going to stab you in the back?”

“Depends on the people don’t you think?”

“Touché!”

“Exactly.  Besides we both know we’re being stabbed right now and possibly destroyed.  So yeah that thing I told my friend might be right around the corner.  What a great Christmas present.”  I let go of her.  “Me in pine box.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“Yep…”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because we both know everyone thinks we are guilty of something we didn’t do.  Everyone thinks we are a horrible person, so you know it would be hard for us.  So the best way is…  Hey isn’t that what you wanted any way?”

“No…that’s what the darkness wants you know.”

“Yeah just waiting to engulf me.”

“Let’s wake up.”

“All right.”