when I reach for you
in the empty room
I hear the darkness breathing

Je ne suis pas assez triste pour moi-meme, mais je suis triste, et triste pour lui, et je ne sais pas comment l’exprimer assez bien et ca me frustre beaucoup beaucoup. Il me plait beacuoup mais je suis souvent miserable et fache, la raison pour la quelle je ne sais pas et c’est tres difficile… Alors, pour ces raisons, il me semble que “Je me reveille seule” – et peut etre il se reveille seule aussi, et c’est ca qui me fait triste…

So I was speaking to one of my best friends tonight and he asked me for a favor.  I said, sure not a problem to his request. Then the conversation evolved into my reasons for not asking others for favors when I am in need. He was amazed.

I don’t ask others for loans or favors, because I hate disappointment and frivolous excuses.  I don’t have time for nonsense and foolishness. We’re all adults and yet some of us act like kindergartners. Then again, I shouldn’t even insult that grade level.

Have you ever been asked for a world of things and yet when you turn around to ask the same, you hear “no?” Have you always come through for your friends, but when you’re in need, everyone is busy?  I for one am tired of the imbalance.  I rarely if ever ask anyone for anything. When I have, I had to either do things on my own because he or she didn’t put their all into it as I would. Past experiences have taught me to rely on myself, because in the end if you want things done right, you must do it yourself.

I don’t ask others for loans, because I am mindful that they have more responsibilities than I do (i.e. spouse, children, mortgage, car note, health bills, parents, school, or past debts) and need their money more than I. So if I have to cut extra corners on previously cut corners (if any of that makes sense), then that will have to do. The funny thing is, while I am living on that extra tight budget, unnecessarily to help a  friend out. He or she has yet to show their gratitude by paying it back.

Yea, I don’t ask for favors because of my pride, fear of disappointment, past experiences, etc. In reality I don’t want to owe anyone, anything. I’ll take care of myself. I have never been a loan shark. However, I doubt that my courtesy would be reciprocated.

2009 has taught me a lot of painful lessons. Those you thought were friends, really weren’t. Something so small, formed such a huge gap. I have looked around and see only darkness. Those close are now far away. Who am I to go chasing after them? Why bother asking for a favor if the answer is, “I’ll get back to you” “I can’t,” or just plain “no.”

So no, I won’t be asking you for a favor anytime soon. Don’t take it personal, it’s just how I am.

Darkness! Eine poetische Animation von Behnaz Parman…

“Die großen Propheten haben (nur) die Zerstörung in unser Jahrhundert gebracht” Forugh Farrokhzad (1935-1976)

This past Tuesday, I just got a new book titled The Bravehearted Gospel by Eric Ludy. I must say, it’s revolutionary, it’s bold, it’s uncomfortable, and I love it. It has awakened my soul. It seems almost native to me and is almost as if it’s the cry of my inner most being that has been waiting to burst out of me since I was born.

It teaches the “manly stuff” of the Gospel, as Eric puts it. It reveals the loss of boldness in the Church in the past few decades. It’s a call to go back to the historic Christianity where men and women were willing to die for the glory of God. It reveals the fluffy stuff and extreme femininity that exists in today’s western Church.

An emergent movement has risen up in the Church that desires to move away from the old, religious, traditional stuff that was in the Church. However, it is going in the other extreme and losing it’s power against sin and fighting spirit for justice. Instead we’re basing beliefs off of the philosophies of men such as Rob Bell’s teaching on “springy” truth. We need a healthy balance of femininity and masculinity. We’re going in the wrong direction and I am willing to stand against it even if everyone is against me and falsely calls me a legalist.

I’m a man and the desire to fight for truth and justice is ingrained  into my very being. This attribute is often discouraged in modern times and it’s time for a revival of this feature to take hold in the heart of men (and women) in the Church to fight for what’s His. There is going to be no revival with fancy music, pretty light shows, and comfortable sermons. True revival will convict people and lead them to repentance. It will cause us to start seeking righteousness, holiness, and purity. Whenever we stop falsely calling truth – legalism, conviction – condemnation, and correction – judgment to selfishly defend our sins and turn away from the loving act of our family in Christ seeking to build us up (no matter how tough that is), then hearts will begin to soften and men will humble themselves before God and real revival will spread. True revival will have people on their faces crying out to God because they see the seriousness of their sin.

I believe that these two points have been widely redefined and wrongly taught in modern times: truth and love.

I will personally vouch for what Dr. Rubin R. Naiman states, so poetically, in his book, Healing Night:

“Sprouting under the cover of darkness like mushrooms from dirt, our shadows emerge naturally by night.

“They draw mysterious elements of the earth upward, offering us a strange kind of sustenance, a foreign fare that leaves us sharply ambivalent.

“We are most willing to flirt with images of darkness so long as they are sanitized and depersonalized by various forms of media.  But flirtation is not a relationship.  I believe that our reluctance to deal directly with our essential fear of darkness is the major impediment to our rapprochement with night, sleep, and dreams.

“Accessing the healing power of night requires that we engage in shadow work. And we will get dirty.”

Yes, I’ve gotten a little dirt under my nails while following my own shadow.  But I believe I must go through the dust, the dirt, the mud, and the dark in order to come out bright and clean.

© 2009, Michael R. Patton
sky rope (subterranean rappel): http://skyrope.wordpress.com
taking new steps: http://mythsteps.wordpress.com

I just had the urge to write this down:

Have you ever felt so lonely? Although you are surrounded by people,some that love you and care.Have you ever felt that you don’t even know yourself anymore?And the dreams you try to pursue,the goals you’re always trying hard to achieve seem all of a sudden expendable and just out of reach?

And you just seem to be giving up…..surrendering….

At some random moment, every one of us, faces such questions that race through his mind, taking joy and meaning out of his/her life,instead leaving behind millions and millions of scattered vague question marks…..

A person  starts to question him/her-self,doubting his identity and abilities as well….

The solution?The answers of these infinite questions of the mind and heart?…. They just lie within each one of us……we just have to dig “deeper”,

But we’re just too blinded by the darkness of our own doubtful thoughts,to see….and maybe things turn out to be  less complicated that we think…maybe even more……Only we can determine that….on our quest of heart and mind

In the end, i think, the main reason behind these questions is that we fear the truth, the truth behind the lies, the thoughts,…..Since on a self-journey….where all the walls fall down,and where shields and defenses are shoved aside, and masks are unmasked,and where everything is just revealed as it truly is…..there is a moment of truth and clarity.

To some of us, this moment can bring some kind of pain since it may bring up old memories that should have been buried and forgotten, to others a simple relief, a feeling of peace……

coming to the close of a thanksgiving family extravaganza at my sisters house.  i met the bosworths for the first time, my sister’s biological father’s side of the family.  three families, plus my family, plus some friends.  twenty three total at the table with an added five showing for dessert.  i was nervous before everybody arrived because of my shyness and sensitivity, blah blah blah…but i felt quickly at ease…even though the bosworths are not my blood family, they still felt like blood family to me…had an amazing conversation with becky about deep stuff, we could have talked for hours…and…benjamin, the seven year old son of becky and hayden, interpreted one of my marker drawings.  little did he know he was giving me spiritual wisdom…

he saw a sea creature girl and her pet dragon underneath the earth.  the dragon was the slave to the girl, but a pet.  when i asked if they were bad he said no, the girl was not bad, just mean, and the dragon did whatever she wanted.  the mean sea girl snatched a bird, which was good, from a tree the bird had flown into, and now the bird was trapped underneath the earth, trying to escape.  yes, that is exactly what was happening.  i will post the picture.  as it turns out, the picture is a metaphor for how the spirit, when curious, can get trapped into worlds which may not be bad, but are not god either, namely, the underworld, the place where many shadowy earth creatures dwell, metaphorically speaking, the place where unmet desires dwell, deprived hungers, lost dreams, and primordial urges which have been repressed throughout the ages, through the dna, deep inside the cells of the body…

the next day i had a conversation with carol.  she calls me her teacher, which means she is my teacher too…she taught me about choice…which is what i was talking earlier about in a deep conversation with lys and my dad…about how indecisive i am, how much trouble i have knowing what my heart wants, everything remains an option, a mental curiosity…which is what led my spirit (bird) to explore the underworld (shadow nature) of life to begin with, all it took was a little bit of snooping around…i was snatched because the shadow grows strong next to the light which casts it…carol helped me to see that i was choosing to remain attached to the underworld, out of love…i know this sounds odd, and you may not be following because i am jumping from metaphor to metaphor here…but i realized i needed to let go of the all the creatures and the land of the underworld i grew up in which i had come to love with my entire soul…it is draining the life out of me, subtly, i must go.

i realize i need to choose to let go. i need to state it. i had been doing my usual vacillation thing: should i stay or should i go on perpetual repeat, not only that, i have not even been completely aware that i was holding on to a world and it’s creatures in the first place.  through carol’s words i could see that i was holding on, and holding on way past the due date.  through carol’s words i realized i needed to create my reality by making a choice to say goodbye to my childhood home in the underworld, to the not bad but mean creatures, to the dragon slave pets, to hades, to the spirits i loved to play with, to the comfort of a world that embraced me…because their embrace drains me…

yet i would not have realized i needed to make a choice unless it were for the conversation i had with lys and my dad about the root of my indecisiveness…and…i would not have realized i had been so attached to the underworld had i not drawn that picture and asked benjamin to interpret for me.  all is meant to be.

all relationships lead back to the self.  each person’s self.  which now leads me to my current investigation of zeno, the ancient philosopher who came up with these paradoxes which show how motion is an illusion…and how place itself is an illusion, and other core illusions…not gonna get into it, but google zeno’s paradoxes if you care…what he did for me was help me to grasp how my own self is an illusion, that i am not a fixed person in time figuring myself out as michelle, nor am i a soul in motion, instead…well, i don’t know what comes after instead…just removing the illusion that i am a fixed solid entity or a soul in motion…this is probably way too ungrounded for anyone to follow at this point, so i will stop…

back to what i told carol…that being in this “human suit” means all knowing will filter through human perception, this is why i keep things poetic and metaphorical, because i know i can only know so much through this version of perception i posses…i cannot stand it when humans take mysticism literally…though i am not closed to the idea of my humanity transfiguring and becoming a new version of human, or even non-human, like some light being thingy, able to perceive a more expanded reality, where metaphor crumbles to dust, and a sparkling new experience of real presents itself…i do not close myself off to possibilities in order to hold on to a false sense of knowledge so that i can feel a false sense of security…screw that shit…

all this being said, it has been a cathartic visit…

coming back to the ground, being around family feels so damn good, the warmth of love…we may all be very different, but we are all very much the same too…my sister amazes me…she is so comfortable with people, generous, gracious, filled with fire, a spit fire in fact, a shit cutter, yet dignified, down to earth, unconditional.  i admit, i look up to her, i may put her on a pedestal sometimes…i think because i want to make up for all the years we were not close…i want to be close with my niece and nephew and brother in law too, the bisaga clan i was mostly removed from for many years…which leads me to my new desire to move back to virginia, get a one bedroom in lysette’s apartment complex, turn my dining room into a writing and art studio, get a job stocking groceries at whole foods or wegmans, write my book, make my art, give readings, get a doggie, make up for the lost years, be near the trees, have peace, return home…

is this a fantasy? i enjoy the urban life even if i dislike the ego crap and i love the nature life even if i do not enjoy being too isolated from culture.  i get to choose.  i am aware that this is my new life lesson.  choices.  how do i know what i really want?  i do know that if i do not choose the universe will choose for me.  i am not a believer in premeditated fate.  nor am i a believer that i have complete control either.  i have taken the middle path these days, and in the middle, i choose and flow.

I’m in a weird non-reading kind of mood these days. It just seems like so much work to arrange the blanket as I sit on the couch and hold up the book and creep a couple of fingers out to turn the pages. Also, the whole latitudinal early darkness is getting to me. Last night I thought it must be like 10 at night when it was 6:20. One would think I’d get used to this place some time.

Tonight I’m putting that aside. It doesn’t matter if it feels like the sun is just about to come up at 10pm, I’ll be heading down to the 1234V Issue 3 launch party. Woo zines!

Also, a story I tentatively sold to Broken Pencil magazine almost a year ago is finally going to be seeing print in the next issue. That’s good. The story seems far shorter than I remember it but whatever. I will be paid for my tale of hobo-molestation. (Yeah, mom, you probably wouldn’t like this story.)

I despair at how shitty my writing output has been this year. I was telling Holly how I feel like 2009 will go down in my books as “The year the condo ate my life.” It’s just that all this stuff gnaws away at your brain all the time, preventing the good cool things inside from working themselves out. I realize there’s a bit of “Oh, when things are perfect I’ll write more” to that statement, which is generally bullshit. A writer doesn’t give a shit. A writer just writes. But I’m just not that strong I guess.

One of these nights
When words are
Too heavy
When the darkness is
Too cold

Lay me down
Beside you
Flesh against flesh
Warm and tender
Under llamas wool

Let our dreams
Come and go
Like fingertips

Grazing temples
And souls

In the midst of breath
Between us

Loose
Unbound
And
Gentle

For the duration of
One winter’s night

One blue moon
One light in the shadows

From spellbound dusk
Till breaking dawn

For just a few hours
Banish the hate
Shut out the fear
And despair

Find reprieve
With me
In the silence

Of night

In the act
Of silent

Communion

Thou makesst the outgoings of the morning and evening to rejoice (Ps. 65:8).

Get up early and go to the mountain and watch God make a morning.  The dull gray will give way as God pushes the sun toward the horizon, and there will be tints and hues of every shade, that will blend into one perfect light as the full-orbed sun burst into view.  As the King of day moves forth majestically flooding the earth and every lowly vale, listen to the music of heaven’s choir as it sings of the majesty of God and the glory of the morning.

In the holy hush of the early dawn

I hear a Voice-

I am with you all the day,

Rejoice! Rejoice!

The clear, pure light of the morning made me long for the truth in my heart, which alone could make me pure and clear as the morning, tune me up to the concept-pitch of the nature around me.  And the wind that blew from the sunrise made me hope in the ‘God who had first breathed into my nostrils the breath of life; that He would at length so fill me with His breath, His mind, finding therein my own life, only glorified infinitely.  What should we poor humans do without our God’s nights and mornings?                                                                                                                 George MacDonald

In the early morning hours,

“Twixt the night and day,

While from each the darkness passes

Silently away;

Then ‘tis sweet to talk with Jesus

In thy chamber still-

For the coming day and duties

Ask to know His will.

Then He’ll lead the way before you,

Mountains laying low;

Making desert places blossom,

Sweet’ning Marah’s flow.

Would you know this life of triumph,

Victory all the way?

Then put God in the beginning

Of each coming day.

Source:  “ Streams of the Desert “  Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Calgary Flames 3 – Detroit Red Wings 0

The depression sets in.  Embrace the darkness.  The dawn must come eventually…

Sad Mickey, the dog, knows how you feel.

It’s too tough to do a review of tonight’s game.  The Wings are trying, and it’s not good enough.

I want to take a cue from Kenny the sleepy panda and nap until the playoffs, and hopefully Detroit will be there when I wake up in mid-April.  This hurts.  It hurts really bad.

I’m not attacking any particular player or coach after today.  I just don’t have the energy.  Please let’s just score a goal tomorrow against St. Louis.

We’re such a delicate team and fan base right now.  Hold strong everyone, the refs cannot hate us forever.  Gary can’t screw us into oblivion.  We need to take a cue from the little guy and get scared…

There.  Are you scared yet?  Are you scared that maybe the Red Wings are not as good as they have been over the last 14 years?  Are you scared that the playoff run will have to come to an end at some point, and this year is as good a year as any?  Are you scared that all that we have held to be sure in Detroit is failing, and that everything we thought we had seems to have been taken?

Now…take that fear.  Embrace that fear.  Convince yourself that it is still worth it to be a Detroit Red Wings fan.  It is still worth it to be a hockey fan.  When you are scared that everything you love could be taken from you, you’ll begin to cherish what you have so much more.  Every amazing play from Dats and Z, cherish it.  Every time Helm creates a scoring chance because he’s the fastest guy in the league, cherish it.  Every time Jimmy Howard gives up a huge rebound but Nick Lidstrom sweeps it away from trouble, because he is all that is perfect, cherish it.  We cannot have excellence forever…but we do have the Red Wings forever, both good and bad.  I’m still on board.  As painful as this season is, it  only serves to make the wins that much sweeter.

Let’s. Go. Red. Wings.

Random Fight of the Night:

Joey Kocur in late 80’s form…

bright blooms in darkness -
double down the double doom …
past, present, future

“BLIND MAN/BLACK SEA” Mixed media – Courtesy of the FANTOM FACTION

We are here to elevate you into a new understanding
to elevate your mind and conscious awareness
so that you might receive constant guidance from source in a clear manner
we are here to lead you away from the confusion
the conditioned darkness you have wandered in
and into a new way of being a new light to illuminate all problems
to bring forth goodness and love in a vibrant manner
so that all who come into your presence will be moved and touched by your healing power
this is the calling this is the life you can lead now
and this is the love you are here to be
thankfully, you are on the path to enlightenment because you have decided by your own desire this is what you want
this is where you are headed and this is the path that we continuously guide you toward for the benefit of all concerned
know that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of source
from the love of God from the love of who you are
because it is part of you
you are an extension indeed
but even more importantly you are filled with this love
it is simply a matter of letting go of resistance and giving into this love that fills you now
know that source is always present equally throughout your body throughout your mind throughout your circumstances throughout the universe
there is no lack of source no lack of love no lack of the presence and power of God anywhere
for as you know source is all present all power all knowledge and all love
there can be no lack of source anywhere
take responsibility for any shortage of what you want in life and figure out how to let go of your resistance your blocks
your uncertainty
figure out how to allow source to move freely through you so that you can fulfil that heart’s desire

know that no good thing will be kept from you
you must undue the conditioning undue the limits
you have put upon yourself
you must cleanse your mind and allow source to fill it with possibility potential love and hope
you must allow source to show you the truth apart from the illusion and insanity of modern-day thinking
let it go and allow source to elevate your consciousness to a new way of being a new way of allowing and a new way of thinking
let source fill your mind with beauty and passion let your mind be free to dream to love to endure with grace and gratitude
that all is well in this moment
and is always so
be sure to remember that now has everything you need
now has all the beauty joy and love you desire
if you would but allow it to come through
allow now

- Morning stream of consciousness writing from John Stringer

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When I am very sick, lying on my bed, I feel like I am leaving my body. I do not feel my legs and my arms. I feel my chest and my head, however. They seem to be the anchors that keep me from levitating, flying, vanishing out of this body. Sometimes I close my eyes and I feel like I see things underneath, in between and beyond the darkness.

When this happens, I appear to travel at very fast speeds in worlds I cannot comprehend or describe. Everything changes its own shape extremely quickly. At some point, aggressive, repeating images keep coming back and I have to open my eyes and rid my mind of this madness.

When I am very sick, lying on my bed, I often feel like I am very skinny or very fat. When I dream, I experience violent and disturbing events. They become so disturbing that they wake me up.

Sometimes, when I think of these moments, I feel like something is desperately trying to use this feeble state of mine in order to do something to me. I have the feeling that some sort of entity, a being, is attempting to do me harm. I cannot explain it even to my own self, but it seems obvious in some way or another. There is something evil that is fueled with envy and hatred towards us.

I have chosen darkness
in it
poetry swells,
literature breeds
dark and oppressive
I breathe in an atmosphere of coal
black ash swarms in metaphors and
contradictions
beating heart that’s become
sullen with life
I choose obscurity
like the ambiguous rose
within an unmovable abyss
I choose the ungraspable void
where borders and objects
interfuse with phantasmagorical thoughts
leaving no content, awaiting an obscure name –
in this dark dream
the Mysterious
is like wine
flowing through the veins
of whatever I am.

nihilistic poetry

Wie Robert Kirkman in seinen einleitenden Worten richtig anmerkt, muss man bei einer lange laufenden Serie seinen Lesern immer wieder neue Shocking-Twists liefern um sie über die Jahre hinweg auch brav an der Serie zu halten. Ron Marz gestaltete deshalb rund um die 100ste Witchblade Ausgabe das Event „First Born“ in dem alle Rätsel rund um die Schwangerschaft der Ex-Witchblade Trägerin Sara Pezzini endgültig gelöst werden. Wie es sich bei einem richtigen Event gehört gibts auch hier Crossover. So schaut mit The Darkness auch eine weitere populäre Top-Cow Figur vorbei und sogar Cyber Force bekommen einen kurzen Gastauftritt zugesichert.

Viel Lärm um Nichts? Mitnichten, denn dieser Trade hat mir wirklich von Vorn bis Hinten überrascht…

Gleich Vorweg kann ich versprechen, dass man absolut keine Vorkenntnisse benötigt um mit diesem Trade zu Recht zu kommen. Die Vorgeschichte wird gut erklärt und alles was man wissen muss, wird Einem in kurzen prägnanten Sätzen näher gebracht. Das ist schon mal ein Mega-Pluspunkt.

Weiters muss man wissen, dass man hier nicht nur die 3-teilige Darkness First Born Mini-Serie bekommt, sondern auch die regulären Witchblade Ausgaben die dazwischen rauskamen. Ebenfalls ein großer Pluspunkt wie ich finde.

Die ersten 5 der insgesamt 9 im Trade enthaltenen Hefte, widmen sich ganz dem eigentlichen Event, also eben „First Born“. Ich hab hier wirklich erwartet, dass Sara Pezzini irgendeine Art “Monster-Baby” zur Welt bringt und sie dieses dann bekämpfen müssen. Nix da, denn stattdessen kommt es aber zu einer epischen Schlacht zwischen den Heerscharen des Lichts und den finsteren Gestalten der Dunkelheit zwischen der die schwangere Sara, die momentane Witchblade-Trägerin Dani Baptiste wie aber auch Magdalena und The Darkness aufgerieben werden. Auch wenn die Story sehr linear verläuft und keine besonderen Twists bietet, ist sie trotzdem fabelhaft erzählt. Es gibt biblische Anspielungen (neben der Geburt selbst wir wird Magdalena z.b. in der Wüste verführt) und wahnsinnig coole Action.

Hier spielt vor allem das eindrucksvolle Artwork der First Born Mini-Serie eine massive Rolle. Hin und wieder wirken die muskulösen Engel und Monsterhaften Dämonen zwar wie das Cover eines Heavy-Metal Albums, aber dass passt hier schon. Auch darüber, dass sich die Frauen manchmal in unpassende Pin-Up Posen werfen, sehe ich mal nobel hinweg…

Was hier nämlich in erster Linie stimmt, ist die Atmosphäre! Wenn Jackie Estacado die Frauen in ein unterirdisches Safe-House bringt, wo hinter jeder Ecke seine Monster und Darklings lauern, hat das schon was bedrohlich-gruseliges. Auch die Figuren sind überragend gut getroffen worden. Magdalena z.b. ist einfach nur ein Traum und wenn sich Darkness in einen Drachen verwandelt um gegen eine Meute von Angelus (Engel) zu kämpfen sieht das einfach nur geil aus.

Etwas störend ist im Zusammenhang mit dem Artwork der Wechsel zwischen der Mini-Serie und den normalen Ausgaben. Diese sind zwar nicht schlecht, aber manchmal sehen die Figuren etwas anderes aus. Dani trägt zum Beispiel weniger Stoff am Körper und die Angelus haben plötzlich Gesichter. Da hätte man sich schon etwas besser absprechen können. Der Story selbst tut dies aber natürlich keinen Abschwung…

Es gibt zwar ein paar Unklarheiten was die Geburt des Kindes und seinen Vater betrifft, doch kann ich hier leider nicht näher drauf eingehen, ohne massiv zu spoilern. Ich denke mir aber mal, dass das in den späteren Ausgaben erklärt wird.

Während ich die ersten 5 Ausgaben also fabelhaft fand, sinkt mit den restlichen 4 Episoden die Story leider gen Durchschnitt ab. Alle Stories sind fast schon eigenständige Geschichten und haben nur wenige Zusammenhänge. Hauptsächlich fokussieren sie sich auf die Beziehung zwischen Sara und ihrem Baby (Top!) und Danis neuer Flamme (Flop)

Dennoch glaube ich, dass Witchblade – wenn nicht sogar das ganze Top Cow Universum – durch First Born gute, neue Impulse erhalten hat und es somit sogar für mich erneut interessant geworden ist.

Ich glaub man kann getrost sagen, dass nach diesem Event für Pezzini, Darkness & Co. kein Stein auf den anderen bleibt und sich diese Serie für Neueinsteiger ebenso eignet wie für Leute die zu Witchblade zurückkehren. Ganz großes Kino!

5/5

Witchblade, Vol. 5: First Born (TPB, Softcover)

Top Cow / Image, Juli 2008

beinhaltet First Born #1-3 & #110-115