At two years old it’s a wonderful sight to see a child recognizing things, learning and soaking up their surroundings day after day. Every time the clock in the living room goes off and the youngster declares the discovery of ‘the cock’ chiming on the wall we parents can, after chuckling under our breath take the opportunity to try and educate her between the difference between poultry & time keeping devices.

And it’s not like she can’t say her L sounds, just this morning she quite clearly called out “help” when her brother sat on her while the two of them were going through the morning ritual of waking us up; I wonder if she calls clocks cocks because of the twisted smile myself or mommy gets on our faces.

Clock by jaqian; http://tinyurl.com/6tmrthx
Rooster by Stefan van Bremen; http://tinyurl.com/7ucr33g

Sometimes when a kid says something they say it almost perfect, like when they are talking about space and planets and wanting to be an astronaut.

Of course part of growing up and learning to speak is learning where to place the emphasis or when not to emphasis at all, in this instance “as-tro-naut” can easily become “ASS-troh-naught”. Still, gets the message across well enough.

Astronaut picture compliments of Lara Eakins; http://tinyurl.com/7ugunwo

Since first getting their dinosaur encyclopedia at Christmas the children have become rather good at identifying the creatures inside as both ‘dinosaurs’ and ‘dino’s’. Any creature that might be drawn on a picture with a dinosaur and leaves the children wondering ‘is this a dinosaur?’ often gets labeled as a monster instead.

At one point, around oh page 167 I believe, a particularly vibrant looking dinosaur skeleton stuck out on the page and with a three year old’s furrowed brow of confusion and mild frustration staring down at it I asked ‘what is that?’

After a moment’s thought the look of frustration passed and the answer came paired with great excitement ’it’s a balloon, a balloon!”

When you see your child holding a truck, pointing at a truck and happily describing their truck you can be proud that they are developing the cognitive understanding to make the connection between objects & actions. Ownership and sharing. Or depending on what their truck is doing cause and effect.

However.

The moment your little ray of sunshine opens their mouth and declares their [censored] is doing this or that or just flew to the moon you might realize that, that day you stubbed your toe and told the chair to [censored] or that day they say that PG-13 movie a word that happens to ryme with truck got stuck in the back of their head and now they are using it without meaning any harm.

How to explain to a child who hasn’t mastered the potty that their truck is not a [censored]…hmmm.

Life is full of mysteries.

A perfect example of why when you aren’t absolutly one hundred percent certain you know what your child is asking for to clarify before dishing up their food and handing to them.

As if children aren’t already fickle enough eaters as it is, when one of them states -clearly- that they want a “pickle” only to seem placated when they receive a bagel one realizes that the human ears and/or vocal cords are far more complex than we may have realized.

That or kids just like the look on our faces when we think they’ve asked to eat a pickle for lunch.

So I’m sure many (hopefully most) of you will agree that teaching our youngsters the value of their fruits and vegetables is rather important, if my son and daughter can grow up knowing that a carrot is healthier than a big mac than I can feel like I’ve accomplished at least one major victory.

There was a period of time however, where my son was very certain in his verbiage that the little green trees on his plate were in fact called “bibles”.

I wonder just how common it is for a child to randomly attribute two objects like this, has anyone else ever experienced their broccoli ascending in their child’s eyes like this?

Things children say #1

The other day while remarking on the animal shaped fridge magnets we have my son remarked with solid confidence that he had rediscovered the location of the maggots in the kitchen!

Was that something that sticks to the fridge you were talking about son or something that was gross and sticky?

One of my boys (of average size): “Ms. Graham, can I be in your wedding? Your uhhhh what’s it called? Ring . . . ring barrier?”
Me: “I really appreciate the offer, but actually it’s usually tiny little people who are ring bearers.”
One of my other boys (who is like 5 feet tall): “Ms. Graham! What about me! I can do it. You know I’m not big!”

<I almost invited them all to my wedding on the spot.>

· “Doesn’t it smell like coconut in here? Yes…yes it does.”

· “Can’t you think of anything more interesting than going to Walmart?”

· “We see his whole body, except for maybe his knees…his photograph was definitely scandalous.”

· “If you spill your chew on somebody, I am withdrawing you from this class.”

· “If I am Christ—hypothetically—because I’m not.”

·         “And that’s when people are like ‘You think too much, you’re weird’”

· “We’ll do this Stazi style.”

·         “French and German language meets, and then you get English. It’s really a bastard language.”

· “Sheep and Catacombs! Wouldn’t that be great?!”

·         “Just read this aloud in the cafeteria and see how many people move away from your table…”

·         “If only I could unscrew it and punt it.”

·         “It’s like vampires when the sun comes up *screech noise*.”

·         “It’s like me trying to read a chapter of chemistry—OH MY GOD—then there are 27 more after that, and the final is cumulative…”

·         “I’m used to people running out of the room when I start talking.”

· “We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, how about a blood and urine sample?

· “That image disturbs me on many levels, so…thanks for sharing.”

· “Don’t fall for the ‘If we don’t hook up the fate of the species is on the line’ line.”

·         “Dodge ball can be pretty vicious if I remember correctly from second grade…”

·         “Her roommate is a ‘hugger.’”

·         “Oh…what was my point…?”

·         “Happiness and joy will be all around you—will it get to the point where when you step on the quad, squirrels and deer will come up to you—I don’t know.”

·         “I’m not the youngest either, but maybe you’ve noticed that.”

·         “Women don’t really seem to do the trash talking thing—unless its mud wrestling—which there is nothing wrong with.”

·         “Think of this as Game Boy.”

·         “There are thousands of possibilities—like Game Boy.”

·         “Don’t you want to fight for awesomeness?”

Now, here are some of what your professors said:

·         “We’re brewing! Let’s get it on!”

·         “There was a large market of people’s heads, and thankfully, lots of people were being born. Please don’t write that down…”

·         “The sign of a true relationship is when he’ll go buy embarrassing things for you—and trust me—there are more embarrassing things than tampons.”

·         “I know I am old as dirt. One of my grandsons said that he didn’t know that dirt was that old…”

·         “It was like an intellectual colonoscopy.”

·         “Ivan the Terrible was a great leader. He used to ride through the streets on his horse lopping off heads with his sword. It was kind of like blood sport meets polo.”

·         “You better not be doing Ken, or Barbie will be jealous.”

·         “No one could figure out why after kissing the Blarney Stone they did not get the gift of gab, they just got mono.”

Quote of the Issue:

·         “There is no consequences-just karma.”

Good luck everyone with finals! Soon enough we will all be back home without any papers or group projects to worry about. Have a great break and don’t go insane during finals week—I’m pretty sure Notre Dame wouldn’t be able to house all of the UNE students…Take care!

The adults I work around have surprisingly excellent senses of humor, especially considering they’re Japanese.  Usually, the wacky stuff my students come up with is on accident, but I do have a few witty kids as well.  Whenever something absolutely destroys me with laughter, I write it down in my lesson planning notebook – mostly because when I’m flipping through it I occasionally see them and they make me laugh all over again.

I’m sure this is only the first in a series of ridiculous posts – to be honest, I could probably keep weekly records of the bizarre stuff people say in my lessons and at my office.  I start every day at school chatting with my manager and the receptionist while I plan my lessons, and the level of awesome quotes that my manager expels seems to be never ending.

*****

“This is kind of a bad joke, but…uh…last night, I watched a…how do you say…rap battle?  It was between Adolf Hitler and Darth Vader.  There were a lot of bad words.”

*****

Manager: “Hey, Alisha, you look sleepy.  Do you have insomnia?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Manager: “…don’t start a fight club.”

*****

One day, I walked into the office, and my manager looked up at me seriously from his desk.  He asked solemnly:

“Have you heard the news?”

Me (worried): “No…?”

Manager (very seriously): “It’s about Ricky Martin.  He’s gay. My wife is very upset.”

We both started laughing immediately.

Later that day, while setting up for an ALK class, my coworker was moving a hula hoop into his classroom to use during his lesson.  My manager grabbed it and started hula hooping frantically in the middle of the empty classroom while singing “UP SIDE, IN SIDE OUT, LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA!  PLAY THE SONG!  PLAY THE SONG!”  It is an image that has been forever burned into my memory.

*****

Coworker: “A couple times I’ve been walking in Kokubunji and a woman has approached me and tried to get me to go with her…”

Manager: “So…where is that place?  Could you draw me a map?”

Coworker and I nearly die of laughter.

Manager: “Was it good?!  DID MY JOKE WORK?!”

*****

Before class started one day, my manager walked out of the bathroom with a mop in hand.  He occasionally sings to himself when he’s doing things, and today, he shut the door dramatically behind him.  I then heard him mutter emphatically: “Who’s bad!?”

I lost it in a fit of giggles from my desk, and he asked me to explain what was funny.  When I told him he was holding a mop and leaving the bathroom while asking “Who’s Bad?”, he saw the humor in the situation too.  He went away to do some cleaning, but came back a few minutes later, doubled over in laughter and barely able to spit out words to explain to me what was so funny.

Manager: “I…oh, my imagination!  HAHA!”

Me: “What?”

Manager: “I was thinking about what just happened, and I thought…when I walk into the bathroom and I see someone has made a mess, I can say ‘Who’s Bad?!’ and point at all the children!  And when someone has drawn something on the table, I can say ‘Who’s Bad?!’ then too! HAHA!”

The whole concept isn’t really that funny, but coming from a Japanese man holding a mop laughing so hard at himself he was crying, I couldn’t help but giggle too.

*****

My manager also teaches grammar lessons at the school, and I overhear some pretty bizarre example sentences said very loudly from time to time:

“I want him to COME!”

“Those are YOUR pants!”

“Those are THEIR balls!”

*****

I think you get the idea.  The man makes lightsaber sounds when using a flyswatter and his Darth Vader impression is pretty good.  One night when it was raining he brought our sign in from the street and belted out Purple Rain at the top of his lungs.  His knowledge of Prince’s body of work is surprising and hilarious.  For our office Christmas party, the staff are supposed to come in a costume.  Apparently, a Christmas costume is not a requirement.  He is coming in a full body pink bunny suit.

I’ve had good luck with the people I’ve worked with in Japan.  Having a laid back manager is supremely fun, and it’s one of many reasons I like working where I do.

My students have an amazing record going in terms of wacky quotes too, but we’ll save those for another time!

•    “I’m getting rid of them like hot potatoes!”

•    “Education your way—it’s like Burger King.”

•    “I will circulate among you, and bless you with my wonderfulness.”

•    “Actually, what he has in mind is life of a Russian peasant…which is nothing like a beach…”

•    “You’re not doing break-ups with lawyers…not yet anyway.”

•    “I’m just speaking from my narrow little perch…”

•    “Dr. Seuss is like… A GOD!”

•    “How are we doing this morning? Caught any ones’ diseases yet?”

•    “Maybe if we get you super caffeinated—which I am endorsing for this time block.”

•    “I’m sorry, I just get all jacked up about this stuff…plus I had coffee this morning that I could stand a pencil in…”

•    “Sneak like you’re sneaking out of your parents’ house—because I know you know how to do it.”

•    “Do you have anything to give me? Like binocular cleaner?”

•    “I’m going to chop it up and snort it next!”

•    “Someone left a blunt in here. It’s like a holiday special!!”
•    “You weren’t thinking about Pokémon were you?”

For this issue lots of you sent in your professor quotes. There were lots to choose from—and two that were sent in were unique in that the quote contained both something that the student and professor said. Here’s what you sent in….

Student—Teacher quotes:
Student: “We haven’t even touched women yet.”
Professor: “Lets feel this one out.”

Professor: “I’ve been inspired by that ‘The Rent is Too High’ guy in New York, and I want to start a ‘The United States is just Too Damn Big,’ if only so I can grow that awesome facial hair. We can split the country into smaller portions. I knew I’d get followers here. You can be my project manager.”
Student: “I’m going to be President of New England.”

Now for the rest of the professor quotes sent in by you…

•    “Why do we make you take the core? The answer is not that were mean and sadistic bastards.”

•    “The Pope lay prostate…prostrate before him. So this is where you have to be careful, prostrate is different than prostate.”

•    “For all I know it would melt scales and blind scientists and give you super powers…which would be awesome.”

•    “He’s got some tiny underwear on now doesn’t he?”

•    “Because ya know, you’re probably not the cocaine abuser…but maybe you are, and that’s okay, just get some help.”

•    “I don’t need a break, I could just keep going—would ‘that’s what she said’ be appropriate here?”

•    “That little boy won’t stop laughing, he must be on crack.”

Quote of the issue:
•    “I’m glad you’re honestly claiming things—because when you dishonestly claim things—it makes me a little worried…”

Thank you to those who are sending in their very funny professor quotes and sharing them with all of UNE! Remember, if you hear anything that your professor says in class, and find it even the slightest bit funny, send it in anonymously to lcarter4@une.edu to have a chance of it appearing in the next Professors Say the Darndest Things. In the meantime, have a great holiday everyone!

“I didn’t do that as dramatically as a wasp would.”

“Some say it was by accident, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck…”

“I do have a BS detector.”

“It’s like stepping on turtles, but then the turtles are gone.”

“And God looked at what he had done and… it was… good?”

“This is Sigourney Weaver in Alien everybody. You can’t really see it, but this is what she’s talking about.”

“One should never joke about child birth.”

“Take us there Sulu. That’s a Star Trek reference for those of you who didn’t know.”

“If you get kicked off the Jersey Shore, you can still become a Real Estate agent in Kennebunk because you have ‘cul-cha’.”

“You’re like ‘no, I’m not weird, I’m just lacerated…’”

“‘When you come to a fork in the road, take it.’- Yogi Berra. You can write that down.”

“I can remember when digital watches were cool, which is disturbing within itself, but here is a real mind toaster—when I was a child, we had to actually touch the TV to turn up the volume, or change the channel.”

“Lady Gaga’s meat dress wasn’t so spicy…maybe it was more…tenderized…”

“You know the Black Plague? Yeah. That was unfortunate.”

“E.T. really liked Coors beer if I remember correctly…”

“It’s just like Monty Python—‘I’m not dead yet!’”

“Shut up! Daddy has a PhD!!”

“It’s like intellectual judo.”

“It’s worse in real life because they shit all over the place.”

“Gnarly—now that’s a word I haven’t heard since I was 15. That or tubular.”

“Oooh, handcuffs. You are a sick man.”

Last issue an ad was placed inside this article asking you to send in your professor quotes. Email received was on the increase for this issue, making me a very happy camper. I knew that if you listened hard enough you would find some gem amidst their lectures. Here’s what your professors had to say:

“What is a tangent-besides a guy who gets fried on a beach?”

“It’s kinda like the Josh Groban song—‘You raise me up, so I can measure sediments’”

“Let’s click on our country—I mean your country. I’m not a citizen yet…”

“If you’re dancing with your girlfriend, and she has spiked shoes on, and she steps on your foot—it hurts like hell. Hopefully, her mass isn’t too large.”

“Tea-partyish doesn’t translate to Obama-ese.”

Quote of the issue:

“Do what you do. I don’t want to clip your wings.”

Despite the mounds of homework, papers, and group projects we are constantly given on the daily as students of this university, it all is beneficial to what we eventually want to accomplish with our degree, and with our lives. A big thank you to all of the professors who help us get where we want to go, and another thank you for saying the most quotable things. Have a great rest of your week everyone- and remember to keep an ear out.
Send your anonymous professor quotes to lcarter4@une.edu for a chance to have it appear in the next “Professors Say the Darndest Things.”

Seminary is an interesting place.  Pastors and youth pastors spend years learning theology and studying the Bible.  They learn pastoral care including what to say at a funeral.  But they do not learn how to supervise!  I know seminaries are getting better at offering leadership training, but most of the pastors we work with had no leadership training.

Denominations and churches look to call individuals with pastoral gifts – discernment, teaching, preaching, caring.  They do look for leadership gifts, but let’s be honest not all pastors where created equal in the leadership arena.  Therefore, they say the darnedest things like:

• “You could add hospital visitations to your responsibilities.” (Yes, when you add high school lunch visitations to yours)
• “What is the average salary for a youth minister?  Would you be willing to do it for ??” (Just above the poverty line to many times, unfortunately yes because God calls)
• “Can the kids set up for the ??? Can you cut your budget by $5,000? You could just have another fundraiser.”
• “You’ve got 25 kids coming to youth group.  Why can’t you get them to Bible Study?”  (Good question, why can’t you get everyone who comes to worship to Bible Study or Sunday School)
• “Do we need a full-time youth director? Couldn’t we get them to operate the recreation program too?”
• “You don’t want to be a youth minister, you want to be a pastor.”  (No, it is just not as much fun; nor is it what God has called me to do!)
• “Why can’t you get the kids to come to worship?”
• To a veteran youth minister: “We may have to cut you from the staff for financial reasons.  We feel like we can get someone to do your job for less.”

Feel free to add your own.  I’m tempted to go on for awhile.  But the point of my post is to give some encouragement and advice.  There is nothing more frustrating to me than being held accountable for information that I did not have.  The truth is they often say these things off offhandedly.  Which is sad, because they hate when that happens to them.

The truth is that many pastors need to be educated about youth ministry and even about the youth ministry at your church.  The seminaries are not going to do it, the denominations are not doing it, we need to take some responsibility to help educate our pastors for our benefit and for the benefit of future youth directors that will work under them.

Since most of you are young youth directors, I know that some of what I’m going to suggest is hard because of your age and experience; but it is important.  Things to do when your pastor says the darnedest thing:

1. Step Back – back away from the situation and look for the truth in what was said.  He/She may be wrong, but we have to remember that it may be the truth based on the information they have available to them.  Take time to breathe and think about why your pastor may have said whatever they said.

2. Communicate – after you have processed, you need to respond.  You need to acknowledge the truth in what they have said and be honest about how it has made you feel and what course of action you plan to take.

3. Inform – You need to inform your pastor where information is lacking.  Don’t hold them accountable for information they did not know.  You can hold them accountable for not seeking out more information.  Seek to have a conversation not an argument.

4. Follow up – have a follow up conversation in the future to make sure that you are on the same page.

Here are some things I have observed to be helpful in avoiding your pastor saying the darnedest things:

1. Meet regularly with your pastor.  The church staff meeting is important, but it only builds relationships at the surface level.  Go to lunch with him/her so that you can keep them informed, they can get to know you, and so that you can share your dreams and visions for the youth ministry.  Take advantage of this time to get to know them as well.

2. Invite them to participate.  Find ways to get your pastor interacting with the youth ministry so that they can see first hand the impact your ministry is having.  Invite them on a missions trip.  The dividends paid by pastoral interaction with the youth and youth ministry will be multiplying.  If they never intersect with your ministry, then they will have little investment.  Similar to folks who only give money to a charity versus getting involved.  When pastors get involved, then the youth ministry becomes personal.

3. Educate them.  Help them understand the bigger picture of what is happening in youth ministry and young adult ministry.  A great starting place is reading Sustainable Youth Ministry by Mark DeVires with them.  Other ways would be keeping them abreast of youth ministry research and how that is shaping your approach to ministry and how it might need to impact the ministry of the church.

But if nothing else, please realize that every pastor I know has said one of the darnedest things about youth ministry at least once.  If your pastor said something to you, please realize that you are in good company.  Find a youth ministry friend who can listen and help you process how you should respond, because the truth is we are all in this together.  “Don’t pastors only work on Sundays?”

My Student Teacher: *pins up a kid’s work*

Joshua: “Gah!  Upside down!”

MST: “Oh!  I’m sorry!  That’s better.  Okay, so can anyone point out some differences you see between Joshua’s artwork and Miriam Schapiro’s?”

Emiyah: “Um…with Miriam Schapiro’s work, you could tell if it was upside down and with Joshua’s work…you can’t?”

He thought about it for a moment and then said St. Joseph.