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What is a pet peeve, you may wonder?  A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that can instill extreme frustration in an individual.   In other words, something so simple that it can irritate the sh*t out of you. 

Below are Hottywood’s TOP 20 PET PEEVES.  Beware.  If you’re caught in the hills of Hottywood violating anything on the pet peeves list, be prepared to get your ass kicked something good! 

HOTTYWOOD’S TOP 20 PET PEEVES:

Socks and Sandals. This is the devil.  If you wear socks and sandals, then your feet should be used as a target for an archery class. 

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Morning people.  Sometimes you just want to punch the hell out of them.

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When a smelly fat guy squeezes his fat ass into the only available seat next to you on the bus.  Jump out the window while the bus is still moving.  It’ll be painful, but a quick way to put you out of your misery.

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People who txt during a date. Karate chopping would be my first suggestion, otherwise let them know you’re just as bored with them as they are with you.  Pinch your nose tightly until you pass out from lack of oxygen.

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Not having enough quarters to do laundry. When in doubt, crawl inside the washing maching and dance on top of your clothes, creating your own soap suds. 

Trust me, it’s more fun if you do it this way.  Just make sure your feet are clean.  __________________________________________________________

People who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.  I’m sure I’m not the only person who wishes that unsanitary person would punch himself in the face with his germ infested fist.  

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People who stink. Pee on them.  There’s no doubt they will take cleanliness a little more seriously after that.    

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People who drive below the speed limit.  I’ll tell you what; set their car on fire and make the slow mutha effer walk! 

Let’s see how long it takes ‘em to get to their destination now. 

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People who ride their bikes in the middle of the street.  There’s only one way to settle the score. 

STRIKE!!! 

If this doesn’t work, nothing will.

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Anyone who says “Hammer Time” after they’ve heard the word “STOP.” 

They should be put to an end just like MC Hammer’s career. 

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Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.  

Karma’s a bitch! 

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People that pop and smack their chewing gum.  Throw a lighted match on their hair. I promise you they’ll stop popping their gum.  

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Anyone who does this in public.  It’s just wrong on so many levels. 

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When you can’t tell if someone is male or female.  We get it already, you like to play dress up.  But come on, there is a such thing as too much. 

Is anyone else confused about her him – THIS??? 

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People who leave the door open when they go to the bathroom. If you know anyone who does this nasty sh*t, flush them down the damn toilet, please and thank you. 

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When you’re invited to a party with people you have never met, and the host doesn’t introduce you to anyone.  

Personally, I’d rather shoot myself in the foot.  Next time, stay home and count your hair follicles.   

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When someone with a full cart of groceries gets into the 10 items or less line. This basic rule of grocery store etiquette was covered in the Grocery Shopping Handbook for Dummies. 

A good karate kick to the back of the collar bone will put an end to this madness.    

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When someone leaves their phone number at the end of a long message and they say it so fast you can’t understand it and have to listen multiple times to figure it out. 

Don’t bother to listen.  Simply toss the phone into the nearest trash can and keep on moving.  If it isn’t Jesus calling, the message can’t be that important.   

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People who chew with their mouth open.  Chew on this! 

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Anyone who gets on an elevator and stares at another passenger for a while, then yells “You’re one of THEM!” and moves to the far corner of the elevator. 

…for obvious reasons. 

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So there you have it, people!  Hottywood’s Top 20 Pet Peeves.   Please don’t get caught with your tail between your legs attempting to violate any of the above mentioned crimes.  Because if someone catches you, they are liable to tie you to a tree and use you as “bazooka” practice!  And if Hottywood catches you…well let me just remind you that he likes sharp objects and things that go BOOM! 

If you are by chance an idiot who is guilty of anything listed above, then you’d better get off your ass and make some changes.  You can do it.  90% of any effort is getting started. 

Quote of the Week:     “I don’t have pet peeves.  I have whole kennels of irritation.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood.2009

On Wednesday night, I had the good fortune to watch two of the BotF crew play in the Lower Northern Beaches Open Men’s Division B Grand Final. Lambo and Charlie were representing the Manly Fishos along with Norm, Bob, Matt and Craig. Their foes on the night were the Dee Why Builders and the neutral venue was the Time & Tide. For those unacquainted with team darts, there 9 games of doubles and games of 6 singles. Doubles first then singles. When I had arrived Lambo and Normie had vanquished their opponents and a clearly pumped Fishos had skipped to a 3 – 0 lead. The Builders came thundering back and despite Lambo registering another win with Norm, the doubles ended at 5 – 4 to the Builders.

There was considerable tension and Charlie, who was in his first darts GF, was really feeling the nerves. To win, you have to hit a double (peg out) that takes your score to zero. It seemed that Charlie would never peg out on the night, and he was employing a time honoured darts technique of calming the nerves with a couple of schooners. Finally after all 4 players had had about 4 cracks each at pegging out – Charlie nailed a double 4. His relief was palpable. Heading into the singles, Fishos needed to win from 6 to win the GF. Charlie’s great fear was that he would be in the last game with it all hanging on the line. Again he sought to calm his nerves in the time-honoured way.

Well, Charlie needn’t have worried. Norm and Lambo each dusted their opponents 2 – 0 in record time. No inhibitions as he gloried in 6 peg outs on the night and an undefeated run. Matt and Craig stepped up to the stripe and then also proceeded to demolish their opposition – Matt being particularly swift in his win. Suddenly it was all over, and the Fishos had won with two games to spare. Charlie was probably the happiest bloke in the room, and celebrated accordingly. First season in – part of a winning GF team. Norm deserves special mention. He’d had chemo earlier in the day, and a particular raucous argument between the kitchen staff and some regulars played havoc with his hearing aids during a critical point in his singles match – but he overcame those adversities to be undefeated. He then starred further by driving the lads home.

Good sportsmanship all round, and commiserations were given to the vanquished Builders in the only appropriate way – Schooners. Tough decision for the boys as they chose between an embroidered polo shirt or a trophy. I am glad to advise that Charlie chose the shirt, Lambo the trophy and they’ll feature in a future photo. Tide & Time were very hospitable and laid on a fine array of deep fried stuff and party pies. Looking forward to future GFs and new venues.
View Time & Tide on the Map Guide

If you were paying attention, and I’ll assume that you were, as hanging on my every word is quite unavoidable, you’ll notice where I called this page a sports site. This is only partially true (you’ll find, as we go forward, that partial truths are one of my many fortes, along with sneaky lies, eloquent hyperbole, and expertly placed scorn). In addition to sports, I will also be covering games. To deal with issues of server space and short attention spans, the two have been amalgamated under the catch-all phrase “sports” in such a way that they’ve lost all distinction. Well, I’m here to set the record straight… which should have been listed amongst my fortes… setting the record straight. I’m very good at it.

And actually, the distinction is quite simple to understand… and here’s the litmus test; if a fat 60 year old can do it moderately well, it’s not a sport, it’s a game. Simple as that.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

But first, let’s start by saying I’m not going to mention anything that’s so obviously a game that its’ combatants won’t even complain at having it called so. These include poker, backgammon, Madden challenge, Scrabble, spelling bees, etc… These have at most a very little physical aspect to them, and thus don’t qualify as a sport under any definition of the world. Plus, a fat 60 year old, after some practice, could be the best in the world at any of them.

American Football – Sport. Clearly, our fat 60 year old could strap on a helmet and shoulder pads and proceed to play the game, but this is where the “moderately well” portion of our litmus test comes into play. I would also recommend a stretcher, ambulance, priest and his loved ones be nearby.

Archery - Game. Games can be broken down into two categories… strictly mental games, like the ones mentioned above (Poker, Backgammon, etc…), or games that combine both mental and physical aspects. Alas, when it comes to archery’s physicality, we’re talking hand-eye coordination (true of many games) and average levels of strength. A fat 60 year old can handle those aspects.

Australian Rules Football – Sport. I would, though, like to see our fat 60 year old in one of these. Wait, no I wouldn’t. Forget I said that.

Auto Racing – Game. Let’s be honest here… the cars are the athletes. They’re the ones competing in a sport. The drivers, not so much. Yes, it’s physically and mentally demanding… but can you really sit there and tell me, perched on your high chair like you most certainly are, that a fat 60 year old couldn’t win one race, let alone do moderately well? Already, Mark Martin of Nascar fares quite well at age 50, and the oldest winner was 52. Formula one’s oldest winner was 53. And we’ve got a fat guy that regularly wins in Tony Stewart. Would he win? Probably not. Could he do moderately well? Definitely.

Badminton – Sport. Yes, our fat 60 year old, depending on what strata of society he finds himself within, might play regularly… probably with regular breaks for tea and judging people. But put that same fat 60 year old in a competitive environment, and he loses every time. There’s nothing “moderately well” about that.

Baseball – Sport. Baseball’s one of the trickier ones to call, actually. Most players are involved in a sport, but pitchers, particularly those pansies from the American League (what with the designated hitter rule), might be playing a game. We’ve seen plenty of successful fat guys… C.C. Sabathia, David Wells, Bartolo Colon, Jumbo Brown… most of them pitchers (though certainly the aforementioned designated hitter and first base are prone to successful fat guys, like Cecil Fielder, and John Kruk)… but could our 60 year old do it, at least moderately well? Maybe, but he’d have to be pretty special. And since most baseball players qualify as athletes playing a sport (unless you could see our fat 60 year old chase down a fly ball, or steal second… I don’t), we’ll call baseball a sport.

Basketball – Sport. Through and through. Even if our fat 60 year old was 7′4″, he still wouldn’t hold up, and that’s saying something.

Bobsleigh – Game. Any activity where gravity does the most work is a game. That fact should maybe be at the top, but at least it’s here. A fat person actually benefits from these kinds of games. As a matter of fact, until the governing body instituted a weight-limit rule in 1952, bobsleigh crews were very heavy. It should also be noted that bobsleigh inverse to baseball, as the pusher might actually be playing a sport, at least at the start of the race. This is of course before the gravity takes over, and it’s the pusher’s job to get the sled moving. But for most of the race, all members of the team are playing a game, hence, its’ designation here.

Bossaball – Sport. And a wild one at that. And just look at that photo (you’ll have to hover over “bossaball” to see it)… if any of you know a fat 60 year old that could even do that without gravely injuring him/herself, I want their name and number. I have an idea for a viral video. Oh, and if you want to know just what the hell bossaball is, check this out.

Boules – Game. Uh, yeah. This one’s obvious, right? From a class of games that includes Bocce, Lawn Bowling, Petanque, Boule Lyonaisse, Klootschieten and Varpa… games seemingly specifically created for the elderly (but fun nonetheless).

Bowling – Game. Again, no questions here, right? If so, just head to your local bowling alley. You’ll see plenty of fat, drunk 60 year olds bowling in the 200’s regularly. Not a sport.

Boxing – Sport. This one’s a bit thorny. George Foreman, at this very moment, is a fat 60 year old (ironic for a man synonymous with the Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine, but I digress). Could he really not fare at least moderately well in the ring today? Probably so… but this one comes with a caveat. The only way this could work is in the heavyweight division, where lumbering, plodding heavy punchers will always have a place. You can be all of those things as a fat 60 year old. In no other weight class would this be plausible. So on the whole, boxing’s a sport, whether the heavyweight division is a game or not.

Competitive Dance – Sport. So us macho types, like, for instance, myself, don’t like to admit that dance is a sport. But step back and take a look at it… extreme athleticism? Check. Very competitive? Check. Exclusion of fat 60 year olds? That’s a big fat check. And those of you who have been to a competitive dance… uh… competition?… and seen the merciless backstabbing and cutthroat sabotage that regularly unfolds know damn well that this is no game.

Cricket – Sport. The art of bowling sets cricket apart from baseball. As opposed to the standstill throw a pitcher delivers, the bowler’s is a violent, full-body action with an extended run-up that would certainly throw out the backs of most fat 60 year olds. Even the act of batting is more involved, as batsmen have been known to switch sides of the wicket while the bowler is in his run-up (this would be akin to a right-handed batter jumping over home plate to bat left-handed during a pitcher’s windup). No easy feat, and no place for a fat 60 year old to tread.

Curling – Game. There’s nothing about this game that a fat 60 year old couldn’t handle. They might be the best in the world at it, for all I know.

Cycling – Sport. A fat 60 year old in spandex? We don’t think so.

Darts – Game. One of the few games where being a fat 60 year old is an advantage.

Decathlon/Heptathlon/Pentathlon – Sport. This would, of course, be the end of our fat 60 year old. We had some good times, fat 60 year old. We’ll always remember you.

Disc Golf – Game. Another addendum; if stoners, hippies and other movement-reluctant bums fancy it, it’s a game.

Discus Throw – Game. The actual throwing of the discus any fat 60 year old could handle, and while some of them might be hilariously awful, some could reach the “moderately well” threshold… that’s the rub. It’s the leadup to the toss that gets a bit dicey. Most athletic 25 years olds will end up on their ass following it… and a fat 60 year old? He’ll get vertigo… unless… he/she was already an experienced discus thrower. A former champion, let’s say. Could he/she still fare moderately well? Of course.

Diving – Game. Here’s the thing… at the elite level, yes, diving is heavily populated by 15 year old, 58 pound Asians. But tack on 45 years and 200 pounds to those same Asians… and splashy, cannonball-esque entry aside, could they not at least fare reasonably well in a diving competition? I think so, yes.

Downhill Skiing – Sport. OK, let me explain. Yes, gravity plays a major role here, in fact, it’s the agent propelling the skier down the hill. But what sets downhill skiing apart from say the bobsleigh or the luge is that the skiier must use his/her athleticism against gravity, to turn, sometimes sharply. Without the ability to do so, the ability to fare, oh, I don’t know, let’s say moderately well, goes down the tubes. Our fat 60 year old would be carried faster than most down the hill, thanks to the “fat” part, would his/her 60 year old muscles be able to turn him/her appropriately? We have our doubts.

Equestrian – Game. Again, who’s the athlete here? Is it the person riding the horse, or the horse doing all the work? The horses are certainly competing in a sport… the person sitting on the horse? Not so much. Though we will admit that we certainly feel for the horse that has a fat 60 year old on its’ back.

Fencing – Game. We’ll admit, fencing takes incredible instincts and quickness, and the reflexes of a… uh…. well, something that has really fast reflexes. So we’re under no illusion that a fat 60 year old could be a champion. But let’s say renowned champion Sergei Golubitsky hits 60 and has let himself go a little (or a lot, whatever picture you throw into that head of yours). Were he to enter a competition, could he not fare at least moderately well? It says here he could.

Figure Skating – Sport. Unless points were awarded for sliding along the ice on your ass or stomach, our fat 60 year old would stand no chance here. None at all. Though, this does give me an idea. Who wouldn’t pay money to watch fat 60 year olds attempt some of these advanced moves. It’d be a train wreck, and train wrecks make good televsion… hmmmmm…. We’d have to come up with some appropriate clothing, but yeah, I think I could make it work.

Fishing/Angling – Game. Go watch your local fishing tournament this weekend. Take note of the number of people that aren’t fat 60 year olds. Now, nod in agreement with me.

Gaelic Football – Sport. A fat 60 year old would spend the entire game getting embarrassed, thus causing him, if he’s Irish (as we would expect, if he’s playing Gaelic Football), to pick a fight with every player on the pitch, followed by that particularly intoxicating brand of Irish violence… utter chaos, generally speaking… which would subsequently lead to everyone getting drunk together and singing songs. Stereotypical? You betcha… but I’ve lived it. And stereotypes exist for a reason, right?

Golf – Game. First, it’s a favorite of fat 60 year olds. Second, you could easily see one heating up and shooting a 70 on the same day Tiger Woods shoots a 72. An activity where you could play better than the world’s best? That’s a game, my friends. Let’s put that same fat guy up against Lebron James in a game of one-on-one. Does he ever win? Of course not. If we tied one of James’ arms behind his back, does the fat 60 year old ever win? Of course not. I believe I’ve eagled this one.

Gymnastics – Sport. OK, picture the fat 60 year old, and let’s go with a male. Now… and this won’t be easy… picture him in a unitard. Get past it, you can do it. OK, good. Now, picture him going through a routine on the pommel horse. How many times did he crush his nuts? 30? 40? No, this is no place for a fat 60 year old.

Hammer Throw – Game. Like the discus throw, the problem lies in the lead up to the throw. And like the discus throw, most people would end up on all fours attempting such a thing, with probably a vertigo supplementation for our fat 60 year old. But, like the discus, an experienced discus thrower who just happens to be fat and 60 could fare moderately well… thus… it’s a game.

Handball – Sport. Like many sports, a fat 60 year old could play handball, and like all of them, against decent competition, he’d get embarrassed to the point of taking up shuffleboard.

Hockey – Sport. Whether it be the ice or the field variety, the end results are the same. Our fat 60 year old hospitalized, probably with a feeding tube and catheter. It wouldn’t be pretty.

Horse Racing – Game. A great sport for horses, a decent game for humans. Again, how is this a sport for jockeys? Actually, let’s put it this way, if the real athlete in the sport (the horse) would be better off without human involvement (you know, faster without something on its’ back), then it’s no sport for humans. There. And yes, we’d need a very special, strong horse for our fat 60 year old, but there’s one out there that could lead it to a moderately decent finish.

Hurling – Sport. And one I’m not sure should be legal. Picture, Americans, a combination of baseball, soccer and handball. That’s right, they run around with what amounts to baseball bats in their hands, freely swinging them on the field of battle, with others all around them. Hence the helmets. I don’t think we should allow our fat 60 year old to even try this one. Let’s move on.

Hydroplane Racing – Game. Another sport where the humans are just controlling the athletes… in this case, crazy-fast boats. And another one a fat 60 year old would fancy his chances in. He might even prevent things like this from happening, what with the extra weight and all.

Jai Alai – Sport. I don’t think “the fastest sport in the world” is any place for a fat 60 year old. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me, but I’m gonna go ahead and give this one the sport nod, and move on, thus saving the life of our fat 60 year old, in all probability. Ed Honcho, hero.

Javelin Throw – Game. As with most throwing sports, where your average fat 60 year old wouldn’t be able to compete, one with experience should be able to at least fare moderately well. Hence the designation as a game. They are the Olympic Games, after all, right?

Jumping – Sport. This includes the High Jump, Long/Broad Jump and Triple Jump, not to mention certain obstacles for fat 60 year olds… namely, the whole jumping part.

Luge – Game. This falls under our aforementioned gravity rule (see: bobsleigh). Our 60 year old’s girth would do nothing but help him/her. Sure, he/she might end up in the hospital, but that’s true of thin 26 year olds as well.

Martial Arts – Sport. Unlike boxing’s heavyweight division, there are very few plodding, heavy hitters when it comes to any discipline of the martial arts. My recommendation to our fat 60 year old? Start tapping out as soon as the competition begins. I’m tired of these hospital bills. It’s starting to add up.

Motorcycle Racing – Game. Again, and maybe I should just put this on repeat. The humans here aren’t the real athletes. The motorcycles are. They’re the ones competing in a sport. The humans… simply enjoying their game. And sure, your average 60 year old would struggle… but a former motorcyle jockey who spent 10 years gorging on Tastykakes? He could fare, you guessed it, moderately well.

Netball/Korfball – Sport. Very similar to basketball, though not quite as arduous physically as one’s movement is restricted. Thus, at amateurish levels, a fat 60 year old could hold his/her own. But once we start to creep into the levels of “moderately decent”, the fat 60 year old falls short.

Orienteering/Rogaining – Game. Navigation-based competitions will always fall into the category of games, for obvious reasons, the most clear being that many fat 60 year olds already participate, and can certainly fare at least moderately well. The “fat” part undoubtedly doesn’t help, as these competitions are all on foot, but this deficiency can be made up for in other areas.

Pole Vault – Sport. The mere idea of a fat 60 year old attempting the pole vault has me sitting in my chair laughing my ass off (or SIMCLMAO, from here forward). This is no game.

Polo – Game. This is a combo event between the horse and the human, with the horse playing a sport and the human playing a hand-eye-coordination-based game. Our fat 60 year old could play this game, with a big enough horse, and play it quite well.

Racewalking – Game. This one just feels like a game, doesn’t it? It’s got that game funk all over it. And I’m not coming at this from a “what’s shoved up those guys asses?” point of view either. Nope. I know they’re great at what they do, and it takes talent. It’s just, what’s the ceiling on speed if you’re walking? And what’s the ceiling on speed if you’re a former racewalking champ who’s put on a few and 60 years old? Are they that far apart? That’s the thing. The slower racewalking speeds allow for the discrepancies in time to remain close, as opposed to running, where the difference increases exponentially. Thus, our fat 60 year old can log his/her moderately well and move on with his/her life.

Rock Climbing/Bouldering – Sport. Yeah, our guy would be dead. Fat and rock climbing/bouldering go together like…. uh, fat and… modeling. I don’t know. Two things that don’t go together very well. Cut me some slack, I’ve run out of coffee.

Rowing – Game. This one’s not so easy. Could a fat 60 year old row well. Yes, and with great power. Would his/her girth keep him/her from our “moderately well” standard? We say no, not if he/she were an experienced rower. This one definitely toes the border between sport and game, though. But hey, the rules are the rules… hard and fast. Just like me. Except for fast. Sometimes… depends what we’re talking about. Let’s just move on.

Rugby – Sport. Sure, Rugby (both League and Union) has its’ fat guys, but they’re not really fat guys, they’re just sports fat guys. You know, the kind of guy that drinks all night and doesn’t pay any attention to what he puts in his body… fish & chips, meat pies, etc… But they’re not really fat, not by society’s standards, at least. They’re just sports fat. Our 60 year old is society fat, plus, you know, he’s 60. He might hold his own in a scrum, but otherwise, it’s back to the hospital with him.

Running – Sport. Including sprints, marathons, hurdles, etc… And we’re moving on.

Sailing – Game. Now, we certainly don’t want to downplay what they do, but could a fat 60 year old be part of a winning team? You betcha. Could he win an individual competition? Unlikely, but could we expect him to do reasonably well? Were he a former champion, yes, we could. And I’m sticking with it, no matter how many hateful emails I get.

Shooting – Game. Encompassing sporting clays, skeet and trap shooting, our fat 60 year old is already moving into the semifinals.

Shot Put – Game. Our fat 60 year old is excited to try this one out. No running, no jumping, just sheer strength. And it says here they’ll fare at least moderately well.

Shuffleboard – Game. Funny story, our fat 60 year old is actually the reigning world shuffleboard champion. True story.

Skateboarding – Sport. We’re eagerly anticipating our fat 60 year old’s turn on the half-pipe. We’re guessing the judges don’t throw the term “moderately well” around. Maybe something more along the lines of “OH MY GOD! CALL 9-1-1!!!”

Ski Jump – Game. The ski jump, as opposed to downhill skiing, requires very little active resistance to gravity. Gravity hurls it’s participants down the ramp, a small, quick, powerful burst of the legs when the ramp turns up, then it’s all about holding your form. Our fat 60 year old, a former ski jumper, could handle this sort of thing, and his performance would be deemed “moderately well,” grammar be damned.

Snowboarding – Sport. And this includes virtually every form of snowboarding sport there is, whether it be boardercross, halfpipe, big air, slopestyle or simply racing. Now, some of them do start to creep into game territory… for instance, our fat 60 year old could get good air, and maybe perform enough tricks to fare moderately well… but we doubt it. And the rest of the events would leave him/her at the ski lodge in a full body cast… so yeah, we’re going sport.

Speed Skating – Sport. It’s a matter of sheer physics, really. As our fat 60 year old made a turn, provided he/she had any sort of speed built up, the centrifugal force would carry him/her into the boards, everytime… partly because their mass would be difficult to stop/turn, and also because their older legs wouldn’t be able to do it. I like to call it the “law of hilarious crashes where hopefully nobody gets hurt”. I am having some trouble getting it to stick. Maybe you guys can help me out? Spread the word. Spread the love.

Soccer/Football/Calcio/Futbol – Sport. Sure, lots of fat 60 year olds play soccer, but have you watched them? Let’s just say that their version is a sedentary one, rife with mis-kicks, hand-balls, shin-shots, beer and singing. OK, so it’s not that much different than the EPL… but just enough that our fat 60 year old narrowly fails the test.

Softball – Game. Though really, the way women play it, it’s a sport. But the way the vast majority of people play it, it’s barely a game. More like a mixer, or a party, or something between grilling and horseshoes. Our fat 60 year old is right at home.

Surfing – Sport. First of all, fat, in the surfing world, means shark food. Second, well, let’s go back to physics. The best surfers don’t sit too far down in the water. They skim the surface. Fat means skimming becomes more difficult… means jumps don’t look as good… means tubes aren’t properly navigated… means “moderately well” is out of the picture.

Swimming – Sport. Unless you consider drowning a success, in which case, you need to go talk to someone. Seriously.

Table Tennis – Game. To play at the highest level, with the best of the best, you cannot be fat, or 60. It takes hummingbird-like reflexes that, let’s face it, have left our fat 60 year old over time. But to play the game moderately well? Our fat 60 year old can handle that, especially if he/she has history in the game.

Tennis – Sport. It’s like table tennis, if the table were expanded to 10 times it’s normal size and you got on top of it. This means 10 times more ground to cover for our fat 60 year old. That’s about 9 times too much.

Triathlon – Sport. Maybe if the swim were 25 yards, the bike 1/4 of a mile, and the run 30 steps… maybe, our fat 60 year old could fight his/her way into the “moderately well” category. Anything more and he/she suffers a stroke.

Ultimate Frisbee – Sport. That’s right. Ultimate has moved out of the realm of hippies and stoners and been taken over by real athletes. The amount of athleticism required to catch the many errant throws that occur alone dooms our fat 60 year old (and if you don’t believe me, check out the photo if you hover over “ultimate frisbee”, or this one).

Volleyball – Sport. If we’re talking water volleyball, our 60 year old might stand a chance. But beach, or indoor? Uh, no. Even if he/she were 7′0″ tall, his/her lack of quicks would doom him/her. Plus, that’s not even an insurmountable heighth these days when it comes to volleyball. No, we’re quite sure our fat 60 year old would be humiliated.

Water Polo – Sport. Treading water is an underestimated exercise. It’s exhausting. Trust me. Ed Honcho spent his formative years as a lifeguard (what did you expect?), where part of the certification process was to hold a brick over your head and tread water for 1 minute. Go ahead and try it, we’ll wait… no? Pansies. What you’d find is that it’s not the sort of thing a fat 60 year old should be attempting under any circumstances, brick or no. Though, I will admit, it might come in handy during a lifeguard certification class, as you would most certainly be dragging them off the bottom of the pool, maybe putting them on a backboard, and potentially administering a little mouth-to-mouth. Three birds with one stone. I’m surprised they haven’t thought of this one yet. What I’m not surprised about, is that I have.

Waterskiing – Sport. Have you seen some of the things these people do? Yes? Can you imagine a fat 60 year old doing any of them? Yes, but only poorly, and quickly followed by a horrible wipeout? Me too!

Weightlifting – Game. Plenty of fat people excel at weightlifting… remember, fat people can be very strong, whether they be 20, 40, 60 or 80 years old.

Wrestling – Sport/Game. Truly, in wrestling moreso than any other sport, it depends on the discipline. Freestyle or Collegiate wrestling is a sport. Fat 60 year olds would get twisted into pretzels. Greco-Roman wrestling is a game, since it relies almost solely on upper body strength, which a fat 60 year old might have in spades… or, at least enough to fare moderately well. Submission wrestling is a sport, as a fat 60 year old wouldn’t have the speed to contain someone at the top of their game… not to mention someone at an average level of their game. Arm wrestling is a game, which should be patently obvious to anyone but the dullest of minds. Sumo wrestling is a sport, as, though our 60 year old is fat… that gives him no advantages. Instead, it’s about quickness at that size, something that puts our 60 year old at a decided disadvantage. And, of course, professional wrestling is neither a game or a sport, it’s what we like to call “acting” in the business.

So there you have it… I would normally spend the next few hours waxing poetic about my prophetic… ness. But it does appear as if our fat 60 year old is in need of immediate attention. What do eyes rolled back in the head usually mean? Is that bad? Yeah. OK, I gotta go. Spread the word people. Let’s make this stuff fact. Oh, and if you want to send any particularly hateful emails my way, sure, I can take it. Just send it to icanbesurprisinglysensitive@edhoncho.com. Yo.

We’re playing Casey’s RBs tonight in the first round.  They’re a very good team, but I’m not counting us out.  We haven’t beaten them this year, but in our first match (also at Casey’s) we were tied 6-6 going into the final game, so I think we’re in with a chance.

The key will be if we can hang with them early.  If we let them take an early lead we’ll be finished.  We’ve got to at least hang tough with them through the first seven or eight games to put the pressure on them.

If we win, I’ll definitely be posting a recap.  I might if we lose, but if you don’t see anything in this space for the next couple of months, you’ll know what happened!

After the disappointment of the last match, we needed to bounce back strongly against this team.  We’d beaten them 7-6 at our place, and we had to do that again to have a chance at ending up in second place and getting a home game for the first week of the playoffs.

Didn’t happen.  We were flat and listless.  I don’t know if this had anything to do with it (I mean our performance, not the result) but Tracks, Good Strokes’ home bar, has become a terrible place to play darts.  They used to have an area between the bar and the restaurant area with a couple of boards, but now it looks more like the darts equivalent of a bowling alley.  Six machines lined up along a wall.  Eight players per board plus assorted hangers-on, waitresses and other patrons makes for a very crowded, uncomfortable experience.

Anyway, what’s done is done.  We went from second place (with a shot at first) to fourth place in two weeks.  Not the best way to go into the playoffs.

Final score: an 8-5 loss.

I’ve discovered that the only thing worse than getting your hat handed to you is to have to recap the loss.  I’d be a terrible NFL coach: “What do you want me to say, ‘we stunk?’  Okay, we stunk!  Any other questions?!”

Actually, we didn’t stink at all.  This team is very, very good, and all the more so because the two players we targeted as weak links last time have definitely improved over the season.

Not much else to say.

Any questions?!

Final score: a 10-3 loss.

Watch Live Streaming of Grand Slam of Dart

Hankey, the current BDO World Champion, was jeered during a 5-3 loss to Scott Waites in Sunday’s opening fixture, but silenced any critics by taking a 5-4 victory over Wayne Mardle.

Watch Live Streaming of Grand Slam of Dart

He now meets Simon Whitlock in Wednesday’s final group games, although will need to improve his finishing after missing almost 30 doubles against Mardle.

“The crowd were still on my back but I’ve got through it and that’s all that matters,” said Hankey. “I played better than I did on Sunday but I missed too many doubles.”

Hankey now meets Simon Whitlock on Wednesday, with the Australian securing a second successive victory with a 142 finish to defeat Scott Waites in the deciding leg of their clash.

Click Here To Watch Live

A Div
Cats vs PPP’s
4Q’s vs Watchemoket

B Div
Hellshooters vs Tigers
Chars vs Beer Mug

C Div
Finest vs Bullbusters
Untouchables vs Jokers

Sport fans all over the world can choose from a massive range of choice if they want to follow or even practise a certain sport. But although there are of course more popular sports, such as football (soccer) or tennis, some “sports” haven´t quite made it into the new GLOBAL world yet.

In England sports fans might argue that Darts is a sport and the British Dart League does indeed sell out big sports halls immediately. In southern European countries dart only plays a minor role and it is already an exception if a bar has a dartboard to play for some “crazy” people. Examples like this exist all over the world where regional sports are very popular but are not well known. Another famous example is Chess. In particular in the Eastern World it will probably be strogly argued that the board game is a sport whereas in Europe sports naturally has to involve physical activity.

One might guess that therefore one can only turn to the most important institution in sport, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) in order to get definitions and answers to the question: What is a real sport? But, even the IOC made controversial decisions about their choice of sports. However, one should not mix up that there is a difference between sports and what the IOC calls Olympic sports. The IOC does recognize many more sports than the Olympic Sports but only according to their organizational status. For example, if a sport does not have a sport organization, it can not be recognized by the IOC. This is the reason why, as recently quite often discussed, video game playing is not a sport (despite the fact that absolutely no physical activity is involved in playing a video game).

The most recent IOC discussion involved Golf and Rugby and whether they should be involved in the 2016 and 2020 Olympic Games. Both sports and their organizations could convince the IOC members and finally Tiger Woods can strive for Olympic Gold and New Zealand definitly will not be unhappy because of the decision either. But to come back to sports in Britain, especially these two sports would and will always be considered proper sports. Not only because they are very popular but also because the sports were “invented” on the British Isles and are therfore part of the culture.The sport officials in the United States reacted rather upset on the decision, had one of their main sports baseball been dropped after the Olympic Games in 2004.  And they raise the fair question: If Rugby is included, why is American Football not part of the Olympic program? Many sports, including American Football, Bowling and Water Skiing, have been demonstrated at several Olympic Games but were never included. But can anyone explain why Curling is an Olympic Winter Sports but Bowling can not be an Olympic Summer Sports? The reason for the IOC´s decisions probably lies somewhere in between politics and financial reasons or it is even more likely a combination of the two reasons.

So if even the IOC can not give an appropriate definition or argumentation on sport, who can? The answer is simple, only ourselves and the world which is surrounding us. If it fills us with excitement to watch Darts, fair enough. If French people love to play Boules because of the cultural heritage of the game in France, no problem. There is no sports more important than another just because of the attendance. Important is that we enjoy doing or watching a physical activity, a definition for sport does not exist and can not be given. Not even by the “mighty” IOC.

Pacific Coast Brewing Co – brewpub
Downtown Oakland
906 Washington St, Oakland (Google Map)
Official Site | Twitter | BeerAdvocate | Yelp
House microbrew: $5
Open 11am, closes midnight Mon-Thu, 1am Fri-Sat, 11p Sun
BART: 12th St Oakland City Center

“Oakland’s Best Brewpub” isn’t a place that gets a lot of press in the Bay Area, nor are they found at the many beer events in the vicinity.  In fact, I didn’t even know it was there until I spotted their big “Brewpub!” sign from Oakland’s main downtown street, Broadway, on my way elsewhere.  I eventually paid them a visit to find it’s a solid, friendly little brewpub, right there in the middle of downtown Oakland.

The layout is nice, but unspectacular for a brewpub… smallish bar, lots of dark wood & brick, a pair of large dining rooms, and a decently-sized heated patio facing the rest of downtown Oakland.  There’s three moderately-sized TVs showing the A’s & Raiders.  There’s a dartboard, and I think they could probably scrounge up some darts if you ask nicely.  The crowd is typical downtown lunchers and Happy Hourers, until a little later in the evening, when it becomes a bit of a sports bar.

Their beer is solid, but unspectacular.  They generally have seven or eight house brews, spanning from Imperial Stout to IPA.  None of them blew the socks off my companions or me, but they weren’t bad, either.  They do have a hand-pump, which is a very nice touch.  More impressive is their guest tap selection.  There’s a dozen taps dedicated to a rather impressive selection of other American crafts brews- Avery & RRBC’s Collaboration, RRBC’s Pliny the Younger, and Uncommon’s Siamese Twin were among the selections last time I went.  Not mind-blowing, but definitely beyond what you’d expect from an otherwise-unimpressive brewpub.  A handful of Belgian bottles, a pair of ciders, and nine wines round the hooch.

The food is good but, again, unspectacular- Pizza, popcorn shrimp, fish tacos, chicken breast sandwiches, etc- basic American food.  Daily specials abound, usually posted on Twitter.  Again, nothing to update your Facebook status about, but you won’t wish Yelp had negative stars so you could TOTALLY GIVE THEM NEGATIVE STARS either.

I kinda think of this place like I do Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  You know exactly what you’re getting, it’s a solid choice, but you wouldn’t go out of your way for it.  It ain’t fine dining but it’s great for lunch or Happy Hour.  I occasionally have to attend meetings down Broadway a bit, and it’s proven to be a spiffy place to grab a meal and a few brews before hopping on BART for an area that doesn’t suck. (I kid, Oakland, I kid.)

While you’re in the area…
The Trappist, 480 6th Street, Oakland

…sau gargară. În funcţie de orificiul pe unde elimini producţia proprie de rahat.

Soluţia e recomandată purtătorilor de IQ în scădere, acestor veritabile aparate cu emiţător de raţionamente dotate cu baterii reîncărcabile pe bază de prostie, tinerilor cu cavităţi bucale atât de infecte că nu s-a inventat încă pasta de dinţi care să le redea prospeţimea…

Plină de compasiune şi dezgust ( da, ştiu că-i un amestec ciudat!) , am decis să le scriu astăzi celor care nu gândesc ceea ce spun – dar continuă s-o facă dintr-un respect strămoşesc faţă de calitatea care ne diferenţiază esenţial de animale – dulcele nostru grai!, celor care nu spun niciodată ceea ce gândesc cu adevărat de teamă că neconcordanţa cu unele „trend”- uri o să-i transforme în marginalizaţi ai mirificei societăţi actuale şi – nu în ultimul rând, celor care ştiu poate prea bine ce spun, ba chiar îşi calculează la gramaj mizeriile şi răutatea şi-o fac sub acoperirea gândirii simpliste care susţine că scopul scuză mijloacele şi eventualele victime colaterale…

Fac publică aşadar ciuda care mă cuprinde când îmi invadaţi Soarele interior şi-mi amintiţi cât sunteţi de mulţi şi de hotărâţi pe drumul vostru atent semnalizat – dar nu mai puţin greşit, când nu vă uitaţi în urmă să vedeţi dacă aţi lovit pe cineva când v-aţi aruncat inepţiile, când treceţi prin viaţă cu nasul pe sus şi spatele drept deşi aveţi pământ sub unghii de la cât v-aţi târât şi bătături în tălpi pentru fiecare om pe care l-aţi călcat în picioare…

În mod normal probabil că mi-ar fi fost milă şi-aş fi putut să fiu un biblic bun samaritean, dar voi n-aţi învăţat s-apreciaţi doar gestul căci n-are preţ la schimbul valutar.

Aşa că îmi rezerv dreptul uman să joc din când în când câte un Dart’s şi să arunc săgeţi cu generozitate către tabloul cu natură moartă care vă-nfăţişează ad-literam…