If we cannot truly know what the right partner looks until we have it already…maybe this is the wrong angle to take. I have wanted every partner I have evet had to be the right one…but they we appeared to have disagrees. Was I therefore wrong about my feelings? Is it just luck when you find someone who feels the same way at the same time?

We have to believe in our partners, believe they know what it means when they say, “I love you.” Even if our love ends before forever, we have to somehow trust ourselves and our partners. How do we learn this?

Love is indescribable. Love is not teachable from textbooks and chalkboards. Learning to love is a rite of passage; one that we all must go through alone. But how do we know we have got it right? Just like climbing a mountain, there are many false peaks to love.

As we are thrown into this trial by fire, the hardest challenge is to build our ability to trust ourselves. Advice and how-tos are everywhere; all professing to know the secret. How tempting it is, though, to want to help people find the light of love once you yourself have found it! It seems that you truly cannot hurry love, but you can make the road much more confusing.

Our knowledge of love may need to be built up over time like a stalactite. Unconsciously, knowledge has been filtering in from our own families and from the media. These thoughts and beliefs influence how we maneuver through the obstacles we will all face.

In the spring of our loving lives, we begin slowly, with beautifully irrational crushes; obsessions with some boy or girl in class who we get nervous around, dream about and stare at way too often. Without knowing it, we have begun our journey. It seems natural to start loving with this innocent romanticism.

This love is about developing our emotional hearts, exercising our love muscles. Looking back at my school-age crushes, my feelings were more about me than anything the boys were or did. It was one-sided practice love.

Teenage dating is practice of a different kind. Mutual attraction and affection allow basic exploration of the acts of love. We learn to kiss, hold hands, spend time together as more than friends, and, most importantly, how to communicate our love to our partner. By trying these first two-sided partnerships we experiment with what works and what feels good.

Are we really ever compatible because of shared interests or how we like to spend our Friday nights? Or is it just that we both decide to make the relationship work and be the best partner we can be for the other? My own interests change from year to year; my partners have all introduced me to new interests as well. I can adapt to spend my Fridays in new ways. So what is the essential element to a relationship that works?

Most romantic movies end with the first kiss, at the beginning of a beautiful romance. What comes after, Hollywood? What does it take to maintain love and commit to love? What are the characteristics of a husband or a wife that we should look for? I just want more than a passionate kiss.

So many of my married acquaintances speak about the ups and downs of marriage, complaining for themselves more than offering advice. I have never expected marriage to be utter bliss, but so many people seem to want out when things get hard. Our culture and times are making it acceptable to end relationships when they are no longer fun. Are we happier when we are unwilling to persist with our partners through the hard times and seek greener pastures or deeper pockets or younger breasts?

I just wish we could stop idealizing love by selling it short- by limiting the love stories we tell to the romance of the falling into love. We need more examples of love that lasts and deepens.

As I maintain an open heart to welcome another man who I can love, and by whom I can be loved, I am looking for one thing above all: the desire to actively participate in maintaining and sustaining love. I want someone who knows that love gets better with age, that love is much more than a first kiss.

I am not done learning yet myself, but I am putting aside as much advice as I can, getting in touch with what I truly want and trying to find a really good partner for myself…not just a good person, a good friend, or even a good potential father. Those all can be aspects of the person, but I took those pieces of advice too literally, and I have forgotten to find my own “definition” of Mr. Right may be defined differently and that too is part of this process.

KD was right. No one is ever going to want the whole package. He won…again. I hate that I can hear his voice in my head. I can see him telling me that no one will want me, not with four kids. He’s right. We have raised brats who only act like that for me. I guess he was right about that too.

Tonight I lost something I’m afraid I’ll never get back. We promised ourselves and each other from day one that we would always be friends, no matter what. What if he finds someone else? The thought of it makes my chest hurt even more. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I just want to scream. I feel so alone. I feel like everyone has abandoned me, even the one person I thought never would. Now what? Guess what? I have my pooh bear, pooh bear will never leave me. I have had him since I was a kid and when no one else will be there, he will be there.

Alex, I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I’m just hurt. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m sorry. I love you more than you will ever know.

I’m sorry things aren’t working out the way we had hoped. I love you, don’t doubt or forget that. I will be here, not saying it will be easy, but I will always be your friend. Please don’t forget about me or shut me out.

Then the doubts started — does he like me, am I cute enough, did I do something stupid on the date… you get the picture.  I clearly took a trip to Crazy-Town!  I even woke up at 3AM obsessing over whether or not I had scared him off and checked multiple times to see if a text or email had shown up yet (and even wondered if he had gotten into a car crash on the way home?!)  Miss, you need step away from the communication devices, NOW!

No sooner would I talk myself down from that sort of limb, then I would start to dream of all the what ifs and imagine a wonderful happily ever after life together and then I’d get completely freaked out and try to calm myself down again.  Oh. My. Holy Sainted Aunt!  Where oh where did my usual calm and rational self go?  This was just a first date!  I finally got out of bed and went for a walk (that turned into some serious interval training) so I could expend at least some of the restless energy.  When I came home, couldn’t resist checking again… Still nothing.  Eeekkkk!  Was he torturing me on purpose?  Fortunately, I had quite a few plans for the day so there were happy distractions and I was able to get back to a semblance of my regular self.

When I returned home from these play-dates, glory hallelujah, there FINALLY was a short email acknowledging that he had had a terrific time, too.  Phew… I sent a very brief reply and very happily two minutes later he called.  Who knew that the Oxytocin bond was so powerful that just hearing his voice would stir up all the giddiness again?  I swear, I was all but bouncing off the walls and doing little happy dances afterwards.  That night, over dinner with family I was told by my Auntie that I was pretty much radiating with joy.  Oh my, it SHOWS, too?  Yikes, now that’s kinda humiliating, but what-evs, not much I could do but ride it out!

What I’m finding so hilarious about all this nonsense is that I have become my own social-science project and the observations are pretty comical.  One part of me is still rational, confident, logical, sparkly and pretty much my regular me looking at all this internal drama I am creating (for MYSELF thank you), in great amusement AND a healthy dose of horror over not being able to control the feelings flooding through me.  Then there’s this needy, clingy, and insecure alien who has invaded my body and is making me second guess everything from the date to my desirability and even whether or not Mr. Anticipation still likes me.

As a result of all this, am feeling really quite stupid.  I’ll be all weirded out one moment and then suddenly I’m back to being calm, until I start thinking of him again and then it’s off to the races I go.  Fortunately, the rational calm side is also the one who takes control of the actual interactions with Mr. Anticipation.  AND, all indications clearly point out that the crazy is still on the DL (at least for now)… because joy of joys, he DID leave me not one, but two messages yesterday.  Yeah!

Now I just have to get through this silly hormonal stage and back to whatever is my new “normal.”  Hoping it’s soon, cuz this “otherness” bundle of feelings is wreaking havoc on my nerves.

I guess this is where we say, “I’m fine.” (How are you?)

Now more than ever, I just want to escape life. This is another one of those days I wish that KD wasn’t such a dick so that he could have the kids so I could run away from home. I don’t even want to be me right now. I didn’t realize how much I was getting used to the schedule we had. The break I was getting. I don’t get that anymore. I always have #1 and it is starting to drive me crazy.

I love my kids, but I don’t know what to do with them anymore. I feel so helpless with them. I used to have the kids that people would compliment on in public. I used to know that my kids would be the best behaved. I don’t know when it all came crashing down and I lost those kids. I didn’t even see it coming.

I just want to be loved as the package I am. I want someone who will help me figure out what to do when I am lost. I want someone to turn to when I feel helpless and the situation in front of me seems so hopeless. I want someone in my life that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel like nothing else matters because it will all be okay. Alex used to do that for me. When he is fully here, he still does. Like last Thursday night when he came over after he got out of class. I felt like there was nothing that could go wrong. How was I supposed to know that it would all come crashing down around me within a couple days? I just want to go back to when I knew that everything would be okay if I could just get into his arms. Who am I kidding? I still believe that.

I remember the day I signed my leave of absence papers in November of 2011. I was scared, but I knew that I could get through the day if I could just get a hug from him. He is still the first person I want to talk to when something goes wrong. He is still the first person I want to share good news with. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. I don’t want to let go.

I know my kids are a lot to handle for anyone, even me. I know he needs to do what is best for him and the girls. Maybe one day down the road life will give us a better chance…

Well, I better do homework so that I can go to bed. I have a feeling it is going to be a long night.

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• How are you? (mominreality.wordpress.com)

As you probably saw in my Ridiculously Twitterpated post from Friday, I was flying high with nervous angst-ing in what seemed like the slowest count-down EVER to the actual date!  From the fabulous phone calls the night before to FINALLY leaving work a little early to appropriately primp myself out in preparation, I was one huge knot of nervous butterflies.  I tried to sooth my anxiousness on the drive to the restaurant by singing along with the radio (yep, I’m a dork) and ironically, all the songs were rather romantic and did not calm me down AT ALL!  Oh well.  I arrived at the destination a little bit early — drat — so sat in the lobby observing the swanky theater crowd, going over his flirty texts from previous days (which was SO not helpful on the nerves), and then fielded a couple hilarious texts from friends who have been awaiting this day with almost the same level of excitement as my own (we females sure do like to live vicariously!)

Then suddenly, there he was standing in front of me with a tentative smile of greeting.  He was nicely taller than me (even in three-inch stacked heels), broad shouldered, dressed impeccably, and his smile got bigger after I gave him a brief hug of hello.  All in all, he’s rather a dish in a distinguished gentleman kind of way.  I must confess he looked a bit different than his pictures, so I had to do a mental adjustment to blend my vision of his looks from the profile photos to the reality of him in person.  Easy-peasy and done in the short walk to the table.  WAY in his favor on the initial chemistry scale — our consistent bantering communication during the month leading up to this first date laid very positive groundwork for the full reveal.

It was so amazingly lovely!  Really, really tasty Mediterranean tapas, sparkling wine, zing-y but comfortable chemistry, and smooth and easy conversation without any awkward lulls.  From start to finish it was such a fabulous experience.  He took charge of ordering while deferring to my tastes, picked up the pricey tab with nary a blink, offered to pay my valet (I just couldn’t let him, he had been so generous already), and we chatted with ease as my car was pulled around.  So then we’re at the good-byes… while he did bust a mildly bigger move; I was ready, amenable, and it was absolutely delightful.  I drove home in a happy daze hoping against hope that I didn’t scare him off and that there will be more to come!

Winner, winner chicken dinner!

So, why do people cheat? And more importantly, what keeps someone loyal?  Well, I think men and women usually cheat for two different reasons.  I believe women cheat maybe because they are not getting the love and attention that they deserve in their relationship, so they seek it elsewhere.  And, I believe men cheat because, simply put, they are horny!  Men are biologically designed to “spread their seed” while women are more biologically designed to take care of the young and the home.  Is that the way I think it should be?  Of course not!  This is not my chauvinistic view on the subject, it’s simply science – Google it!  Men want variety.  I always say, “sure a man may have filet mignon at home waiting for him every night, but sometimes he’s just gonna want some fast food”.

Now that you’re probably at the peek of absolute discouragement and hopelessness, don’t lose all hope!  Although, admittedly, it is not too common, I have met a good handful of people that are in wonderful fully-committed relationships.  So, what is it that makes these type of healthy relationships possible?  I think a time comes in a man’s life where he values a good relationship over trying to have sex with every woman that crosses his path.  I don’t think the urge to hook-up with a variety of women ever goes away, but eventually you meet someone so incredible that it makes being with only one woman a very small sacrifice to make.  The thing is, as a woman, it’s important that you be sure that whomever you get seriously involved with is a the point in their life where they value a relationship over casual sex.

And men, it is important that if you want to keep your woman happy and out of the arms of another man, you have to give her the love and affection at home that she requires.  And, don’t be afraid to keep things spontaneous and exciting!  But, of course, the woman plays a role in all this as well – it’s important that you tell your man what you are thinking!  Communicate!  We are not mind readers.  The nature of most men is – we want to find out what’s wrong so we can just fix it!  If we don’t know what you are lacking or what you need, then you can not expect us to be able to give it to you.  Communication!

When Alex came home last weekend, I felt like things were good. We spent Monday together. He stopped by for just a hug Tuesday after he got out of class. He was sending me sweet little messages at work and on my phone. Thursday night, he spent the night at my place. Friday all eight of us had dinner and watched a movie together. He even invited us over yesterday. Then last night came and all of a sudden we are back to “I can’t handle it.” “I’m sorry that I can’t be enough, that I can’t be strong enough. I can’t handle all the kids. The ball is in your court” is the last text I got last night. I responded to him every time something came to my mind.

I just don’t know what to do. I love him and want him happy. I even told him, “The kids overwhelm you and you don’t know what to do about it. You want me, just not all that it entails. You love me, you love us, you just can’t get past my four kids.” I was not holding anything back last night.

Was texting with friend after Alex went to sleep and realized that not even a Mike’s hard lemonade and chocolate chips were helping. In fact, I even said that to CE. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t know where to start.

I resent KD for all that he has done to steal my happiness. I was never supposed to be in this position. I was supposed to live happily ever after. I used to have the well-behaved kids that got compliments when we were out.

Sitting in church, half listening to the sermon and realize he is talking about worry. Go figure.

Started the process of applying for law school this week. Registered with the LSAC. Filled out the fee waiver. Found out that the local law school has a joint program with another local university in which I could get my MSW and my JD at the same time if accepted to both programs and the dual program. Alex started the process of applying to get his Masters in Adult Education. I am so proud of him. His goals and motivation are so attractive to me.

I feel so much anger in my heart. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel unloved. I feel like a failure.

How are you? What’s wrong? Would you answer those questions honestly?

Not sure how I feel about this, but I wanted to share it!

Would you agree that these three questions are important for partners to agree on?

1. Do you like horror movies?
2. Have you ever traveled around another country alone?
3. Wouldn’t it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?

My informal sex education was a weird conglomeration of information, like that of most people. Before I ever had a personal interest in boys and sex, I knew I wanted kids. My own mother told me that I have wanted kids for as long as has known me. And I wasn’t very picky about where my babies came from either. In elementary school I had a strong conviction that I would find an abandoned baby in a basket on my way to school one day. Around that time, my favorite book was Baby Island by Carol Ryrie Brink in which two sisters (ages 12 and 10) and four babies they were carrying for end up in a life boat after their ship starts taking on water. If you had asked me then what five items I would take with me to a desert island, I would have said four babies and a crate of condensed milk! 

In fifth grade, I checked out The Miracle of Life from the library to watch at home, just for fun. The science of pregnancy fascinated me, and still does…part of me wants to be pregnant just to study the phenomenon first-hand. My class watched the film later that school year, and I felt so mature, and probably a little superior, that I had already seen it, and hadn’t been grossed about the ending…or maybe they didn’t even show that to us.

Discussing pregnancy and birth never made me uncomfortable until I started to associate them with sex. I must have known how someone got pregnant, but I cannot recall the specifics about when or how I learned what sex was. The topic of sex began to embarrass me and I became kind of prudish. What I think happened was I was implicitly raised to believe certain topics were meant to be private, not talked about openly, and this included sex. Consequently, once I knew how babies were made, I was always shocked when someone would announce enthusiastically that she was pregnant. What I heard was a loud admission that she and her husband had had sex! When my mother got pregnant through IVF, it was hard for me to say the word, “pregnant” out loud, even though in that case sex was not the direct cause. And to this day, I still immaturely think about sex every time I hear about a new pregnancy, I am just no longer embarrassed by the topic.

In high school, I stopped watching any television or contemporary movies as an experiment, preferring musicals with the likes of Judy Garland and Gene Kelly. Considering how PG these films are, and since sexuality was not really discussed in my home or with my friends, I had to get my misinformation about sex elsewhere. Spurred on by my budding sexuality, I developed a proclivity for nature documentaries about the mating behaviors of animals. I was especially fond of the ones on birds! See some prime examples below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqsMTZQ-pmE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L54bxmZy_NE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG5SUX1V6BE

In the life of birds, it is the males who try to impress the females and the females who select their mate when they find the one with the most impressive voice, plumage, or nest. The males never seem to care who their partner is as long as they have one. As for infidelity, animal males may impregnate many females, but the females are not blameless either. Some female birds cuckold their mates into raising the children of another bird (named for the cuckoo bird). So, I think I got the impression that men are supposed to attract me and I get to keep the one I choose!

Unfortunately humans are not birds, and our mating rituals are much less straightforward. I have “chosen” many men who I was convinced would be good fathers to my future babies. But when these partners opted out of our relationship, I was very confused. I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was fulfilling all my responsibilities as a partner, so how could they choose to leave?!

If I am honest, I still do not understand why anyone decides to end a serious relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic partnership. I have always stood by my choices without question. The more I realize my choice is not all that matters, the trickier it is to trust myself to again attempt to choose a mate.

I had a good first date last night and so I plan to see the man again. But I am scared that I do not know what qualities might make him a good choice. All I know at this point, is that I was attracted to him physically, we had fun, and we agree about what kind of relationship we want as far as we could discuss it in one night. Although, I wish I was a female bird who could make a quick decision and be done, I am trying to remember that I am a female human and there are more factors to consider than voice, plumage and nests.

So, dear Self, be picky like a bird, but take your time with your evaluations…be patient like a human, but have a clear idea of what you want…and please do not choose someone just to pass on your genes with…human love involves so much more! Keep going on dates, see who is out there. But love before offspring. Love someone for yourself, and see what comes from that. You have a human form in this incarnation, so love like one, and leave the birds to be birds!

Your Past Self