If you’ve read some of my posts, you know that I love shows that have unusual and eclectic characters. Well, Clatterford has a wonderful cast of colorful characters, all played brilliantly by some of Britain’s best comic actresses.

In the quaint English village of Clatterford, the local town Women’s Guild is a place where ladies gather to gossip, learn about their family trees, hear talks on various topics, trade recipes, and help with church and charity functions. But as guild leader Eileen Pike says, “It’s not all jam and Jerusalem.” (Jam & Jerusalem is the original UK title for this show.) To Eileen, the guild is the most important thing in her life and she wants her members to feel the same way.

Members of the Guild include Rosie Bales (played delightfully by Dawn French), a daffy cheese factory worker who’s also a schizophrenic. Her alter-ego, Margaret, is incredibly hostile and everyone dreads her “coming out.” There’s Tip who, as the receptionist at the local surgery, knows the ailments of everybody in town. She even files the medical records based on patients’ conditions rather than their names. And if you’re a fan of Absolutely Fabulous, you would never recognize the beautiful Joanna Lumley who plays geriatric Delilah Stagg, who bangs out hymns on the church organ. Then there’s Kate, a lonely, clingy young woman who became a bereavement counselor after her husband died.

The only somewhat sane member of the guild is Sal. She’s a nurse at the Clatterford Health Center, working with her husband Mike. When Mike suddenly dies, Sal’s son James (the wonderful David Mitchell – Peep Show, That Mitchell and Webb Look) takes over his dad’s practice. He brings along his wife, Yasmeen, a very squeamish, germophobic nurse, who replaces Sal at the office. Sal also has a daughter, Tash, who is a new age fanatic and a total lay about. Though she’s 36 years old and a mother herself, she just can’t seem to hold a real job or make it on her own, so she move in with her mother.

Rounding out the cast is the Vicar. He’s not your stereotypical clergyman, though. This vicar is rather grumpy, sarcastic and impatient. He says that being a vicar in Clatterford is like “ploughing bloody concrete.”

I found this show hilarious, mainly because of these loony characters and the situations they come to find themselves in. Like when Rosie fights with her other personality, Margaret, about whether she’s found the face of Jesus in a potato.

MAIN CAST:
Sue Johnston – Sal Vine
Pauline McLynn – Tip Haddem
Dawn French – Rosie Bales
Jennifer Saunders – Caroline Martin
Joanna Lumley – Delilah Stagg
Maggie Steed – Eileen Pike
David Mitchell – James Vine
Sally Phillips – Tash Vine
Simon Farnaby – Spike Pike
Doreen Mantle – Queenie
Salima Saxton – Yasmeen Vine
Patrick Barlow – Reverend Hillary
Rosie Cavaliero – Kate Bales

Total Seasons: 3 (19 episodes)
Seasons Available on US Formatted DVD: 3
In Production: 2006 – 2009

It’s not all bad; fast food burgers sometimes have actual bits from animals in them, like this.

The Institution of Mechanical Engineers has released a report which claims that around 50% of the world’s four billion tonnes of food is thrown away annually, because it is “Unbelievably disgusting and wholly indisgetible.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Institution’s Slough Roundabout branch, said “At first we thought that this waste was largely just down to edible foodstuffs being squandered through human error, inefficiency, and greed.

“But as we collected more data we found that almost all the food being thrown away tasted like  it was made of boiled baboon-anuses and raw bird-vomit. Maybe it was. We were too afraid to find out.”

The report states that the vast majority of the food being thrown away is produced by fast-food restaurants like McDonalds, “Who, judging from the taste, manufacture their products out of human sewage mixed with sugar and, for some reason, whale semen.”

Professor McEyebrau said “Of course, it might not be made of that stuff. It could be a lot worse.”

The UN’s head of world resource studies, Antonin Artaud, said “This research proves how disgustingly inadequate the management of the world’s economy is . Because the produce being wasted can’t all be sewage, there must be some actual foodstuffs buried in there too, which could be much better used in producing more non-fast food, or ‘edible food’ as it is sometimes known.

“That could then be used to feed millions of starving Africans for months, or Dawn French for a week.”

Unemployed food-fan Tim Twanks said “It’s all very well instructing supermarkets not to be so picky about what they’ll sell, or telling westerners not to buy more food than they can physically cram in their over-bloated bodies, which they then end up throwing away… um… there was going to be a ‘but’ in there somewhere, but I’ve forgotten what it was.”

Shame on my face times a gazillion.

It seems the final weeks of the year took me by the scruff of my favourite winter jumper and put me on the fast train to Too-Busy-Doing-Other-Irrelevant-Stuff-to-Blog Town. Goddamn it.

Now I have smoothed down my scruff and all is mostly right with the world again, I would like to say a big hello to you in what will be one of the most unpredictable and unsettling years of my life. Ever. Probably. Welcome to 2013, you lot.

Here are three books I downloaded on my Kindle to start the New Year:

• Dear Fatty by Dawn French
• Narcopolis by Jeet Thayil
• Oscar Peterson: The Man and His Jazz by Jack Batten

And here are three big things happening to me before the end of March:

• I’m finally after about 5 years of putting it off, going to cidade maravilhosa – Rio de Janeiro. Just you try and hold me back from the sambodrome.
• I’m running the Paris half-marathon, having recovered from my sad tendon.
• My cousin in Oldham’s getting married. It’ll be a five-day spectacle. All sequins everytin’.

And one other Big Ting, which I will tell you more about soon.

Oh and I haven’t forgotten about the Portland firsts. They’re on their way, but in one blog post this time, rather than five. Hold your horses yeah?

Does anyone else feel like they won lotto when they go to the library? It’s a treasure trove of knowledge and literature and my go-to place to withdraw myself a bank load of mental dollar bills. The library ladies both know me now…I used to attend Polytechnic in my first year and a half of studies and Helen; one of the library ladies was a “minder” (for want of a better word) for a disabled young man who was a bit of a handful. I think working at the library would be a gentle breeze after trying to manage a most determined, exuberant and often aggressive young man. The other library lady (whose name I am not privy to…) is also very nice. She knows me because I am the library patron who can’t be seen as she enters the doorway because of the staggering tower of returns that she is balancing precariously in a circus worthy attempt to have them all arrive on the library counter in one fell swoop…”Hello Fran”…and I am in! Aside from Nigel Slater’s entire back catalogue that I pre-ordered on my best friend “TALIS” (the state-wide library website where you can peruse to your heart’s content and order whilst wearing your pyjamas, eating toast at 6am and scratching yourself in a most satisfactory manner…all frowned on in the actual library but completely allowed when utilising TALIS)…The tiny space contains adventitious books…books that have been ordered and returned to the library in a most clever sustainable practice that the states libraries have decided to embrace where the book stays in its orderee’s library until it is requested again…I am severely tempted to order my 15 allowable books, Steve’s 15 allowable books and borrow my daughters 2 cards as well and keep ordering books to see just how many books the tiny rural kiosk of Exeter could physically handle but aside from being a reasonably nice person, I am far too lazy to apply myself with fervour to a task that doesn’t actually result in anything other than the annoyance of the library ladies and a breakdown in the relationship that I have built with them.

As we were walking the dogs just outside our front gate we noticed the black “pirate ship” motoring underneath the Batman Bridge and decided to watch it head back out to sea. Apparently it is heading down to the Hobart wooden boat rally but it certainly cut a fine figure through the water on its way

Bezial’s old walking haunt “The Swamp”. Just mentioning it makes his ears prick up and his tail wag and the other day we walked the boys around this wetland area that is subject to regular high tides that cover these pathways and keep the vegetation lush

Steve, Bezial and Earl walking nonchalantly past this wonderful Illawarra Flame Tree (Brachychiton acerifolius) pretending that Steve isn’t at ALL interested in whether or not it has any seed pods on it this year as he may or may not have taken advantage of its seedy goodness in years past…

Not quite “flame” but an example of the brillian colour of the flowers that bedeck the entire tree and make it a stunning street tree

Seed pods! Steve may or may not be predating these seed pods on an indetermined day in the near future (is that vague enough do you think? )

I was able to take “Vegan Pie In The Sky” out again because it is a wonderful eclectic collection of delicious vegan desserts that certainly piqued my interest. I also took out another book again…The book is called “The Wilderness Garden” by one Jackie French. I have talked about Ms French before. She was a doyen of organic wackiness back in the 80’s before organic became the creed of the hipster. She wore weird hats made of vegetables and was larger than life…another larger than life lady whom I admire immensely is Ms Dawn French (note the last name…)…both ladies were once larger than life and have minimised themselves down to postage stamps…both ladies have out of this world senses of humour and each sports a healthy attitude of themselves and appear to be optimistic about the world around them and both are writers…what is the difference between them? Well 1 can write amazingly well and has a plethora of extremely useful tomes for the adventurous gardener and the other one can’t write herself out of a paper bag…I am sorry Ms French (you KNOW which one you are)…I am still smarting for having my faith in your ability to write so cruelly dashed by the sad piece of pulp fiction that I forced myself to read a chapter off not so long ago…my sensibilities STILL hurt ma’am!…the other Ms French had me enthralled from the moment I set my eyes inside The Wilderness Garden…the problem was I was first setting eyes on this wonderful book whilst sitting in the car waiting to take it back to the library! Christmas…you robbed me of my reading time! When I realised just how precious this book was to me I asked the library lady if there was a chance that I could renew it and apparently I could because I have this precious piece of life changing literature sitting in front of me on the computer desk as I type this post and I am gloating for all I am worth! It’s one of those “I am going to have to buy this” books. It deals with turning your property into a food forest for yourself and the local wildlife and living in harmony with the insects, the birds and the cycles…it promises no more fighting nature. Indeed it positively radiates with natural harmony and it also promises something more precious than integrated cycles…it promises that once the garden is established, it will be drought hardy, it will be extremely diverse, it will handle temperature extremes, it will allow us to grow a range of tropical plants on our property and most importantly it WILL work here in our Australian conditions… and you know why I have faith that it will? Because Ms French has been walking the walk for over 40 years now and knows what she is talking about.

An avenue of very healthy looking trees in a back alley in Launceston

Bezial having an adventitious drink of water from this fountain outside the library in Launceston

Earl discovering that jumping up onto this “bench” might not have been such a good idea after all…

I will be immersing myself in The Wilderness Garden…I will be doing what Ms French endorses and I will be reporting back to you all with my results. You might have to stick around for a while though… it won’t happen tomorrow or next week and indeed some of the processes outlined in the book take years but it promises progress, honest cycles of fecundity (what a wonderful word!) and a sense of harmony with those cycles that is redolent with what we humans are supposed to live like. Ms French lives on just about 2 hectares (the same size as Serendipity Farm). She grows approximately 270 different kinds of fruit and the woman makes sense! Everything that flies from the page fits with my ethos and how I feel about the world. Ms French, you are my new gardening guru! Move over Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall… this lady is singing my song, in my country and with my conditions… consider this rat a ship jumper!

I completely forgot about these senna seed pods and this little succulent that I collected ages ago…it just goes to show you how resilient succulents are!

Redwood island where Steve likes to fish. You can disembark onto the island and fish from their if you like and it’s a lovely spot to have a picnic

You learn a whole lot about the world around you when you take the time to stop what you are doing and observe it. We knew that it was going to be a big year for the red-eye cicadas because of their breeding cycle and we were not disappointed when they started tuning up the band this year for their massive month long chorus of clicking. When we first noticed this phenomenon 5 years ago when dog minding for my father while he was still alive we only associated it with the heatwave that came with them. This year we have the obligatory heatwave but we also have time to pay attention to this most interesting cycle and how it benefits the local wildlife, specifically birds. I know that red-eye must taste alright because I found a dead one that I was going to take some photos of and Earl ate it. We had seen an influx of Australian Ravens on Serendipity Farm and thought that they were breeding but it would seem that they were here for the sexagenary cycle (5 year cycle that they maintain along with the Chinese…) of plenty. Not only had the raven population suddenly increased, but we started noticing other birds of prey…3 kookaburras, a plethora of cuckoo shrikes, butcher birds and their young and even an adventitious young hawk, all climbing around in the tree canopy to take advantage of the red-eye feast. Like Earl they appear to be particularly fond of these large black cicadas and the hawk had a very interesting way of flushing them out of hiding under the leaves…he beat his wings and cicadas flew out everywhere giving him time to pluck them out of the air around him while he sat on his branch munching. The ravens are particularly funny to watch. Aside from their constant communication, they are a very ordered group and mum and dad spend a lot of time coaxing their young to hunt for this free bounty of fat and protein. I have an affinity with ravens. Any bird with obvious intelligence is alright by me and ravens have it in bucket loads. Just head over to Youtube and check out “Ravens” and you can see some amazing birds using their minds to solve problems.

An interesting selection of “stuff” in a wheelbarrow

A nice big roll of ex-fish farm netting that needs to be cut in half with that little sharp knife inside that blue pouch so that we can protect the maple garden from predatory possums and wandering wallabies

Back to that wheelbarrow of “stuff”…I have already planted out the red clover and am just about to take advantage of a little curveball that a glut of potatoes handed me…

What happens when you forget about a 10kg sack of potatoes in the back of your pantry. After opening the bag and seeing their little tendrils waving at me I decided to make the most of the situation and use the new compost heap to grow some spuds! I used that wheelbarrow of organic compost to cover them…

The spuds are now covered in organic compost and dead grass clippings and oak leaves and have been well watered in…lets see what grows

Here’s that red clover in it’s heavily fortified tyre home. It didn’t even wilt after being yanked out of the ground in the heat of the day, stuck in a dog pooh bag full of water in the laundry sink for a day and then planted out. Hopefully it spreads its seeds far and wide and we end up covered in red clover!

I have been following a blog site about using container gardening to eliminate hunger. I love proactive blogs that tell you how to change your situation with a bit of spit and elbow grease and usually using items that have been discarded and that are usually free. Knowledge can give you a whole different perspective about what is and isn’t “worthless”. I love finding creative and attractive ways to reuse and repurpose items that would otherwise go into landfill. If you would like to see this amazing blog you can check it out here…

http://desertification.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/food-gardens-found-with-google-earth-science-daily/

and this Facebook page shows a really great re-purpose for wine bottles that we have been hoarding in our small shed in an enormous pile for ages now and that threaten to render us senseless whenever we are foolish enough to venture into the shed to get the lawnmower…we are NOT on the wrong side of alcoholism…we are just cleverly creating prospective art gardens

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=340087336078044&set=a.233384676748311.57857.201890633231049&type=1&relevant_count=1

Steve and I recently saw an ad on a local noticeboard selling “craft wood”. It wouldn’t have interested us in the past but with Steve’s new-found interest in all things woody we took down the number and phoned up. The man that answered the phone is leaving the state and wants to offload his collection of craft wood so Steve will be heading to see him on Monday to potentially stock up on some lovely spoon futures. The seller has different kinds of wood including an orangey yellow wood called Osage orange (Maclura pomifera) that comes from Texas. While we were walking the dogs in Exeter we noticed a large shed at the back of where they have monthly market days where the Tamar Woodworkers Guild meets. Steve is thinking of looking into joining them…after all…who wouldn’t want to join a guild? The only concerns that I have are will he need a jerkin and tights? If so, he is on his own…I can’t sew for peanuts . We went to the tip and dumped some more rubbish (yes…it really WAS rubbish ) and I headed into their rusty container that doubles as a tip shop and found a lovely little glazed clay pot that someone had made with love and care. I can’t believe that anyone would throw out something like that and when I asked the tip manager how much it was, he said “to you…its free!”…so I have another little pot/bowl to add to my hoarded collection and another perfectly useful and attractive item is saved from landfill to my benefit. One day our children’s children are going to dig through our waste piles looking for useful things. They are going to marvel at what we threw away…

The beginnings of a chunky oak spoon that Steve made for me

Side on to show you how chunky it is. I like chunky things…they feel solid and reliable and real and I requested “chunky” when Steve asked me what kind of spoon I would like

I think you will agree it turned out to be a lovely spoon. I especially like the wood markings in the bowl that look like an eye

Steve’s hand holding the spoon to show the “chunk”

Steve decided to have a go at making some more “chunkies” from oak including a spatuloon and a spreader that also cuts cheese.

Here they are finished with a nice rub of orange eco-oil and I really love them )

That’s it for today folks…here in extra sunny northern Tasmania it is hot…for Tasmania it is HOT. We don’t get a lot of “hot” but when we do, it tends to be oppressive and coupled with hideous humidity thanks to our endemic greenery. Its days like these where I remember why I don’t live in Tropical far north Queensland! Have a great weekend folks and see you on Wednesday for our cuppa and chat…hopefully it has cooled down a bit by then and we are back on track with our milder than the mainland summer )

Desert Island Discs was on, a radio 4 program I only occasionally dip in to. It’s sometime the case that the subject is so interesting that the music is almost an interruption – as was true for Dawn French. I’m no fan of Dawn (in the sense that I’m not an avid follower), but she came across as warm, interesting, with a strong inner core: an inspiration.

Dawn’s last musical choice was Elbow’s anthemic One Day Like This. Elbow is a good example of a recent / current band – which – despite ticking all the boxes – simply refuses to enter my consciousness. I can never remember or recognise Elbow, or their songs – even one as powerful as One Day. This is an age / generational thing

Here we are at Northfield Farm, where I collected our Christmas turkey

Being a bit of a townie I don’t get to see pigs all that often, so here’s another picture. Truth be told I was rather taken by them as they clearly reacted positively to human presence

I spend my days at work in an American office that is both cold and unwelcoming.  I spend my evenings in a cozy village in England, where the people are friendly and the cakes are frosted with Marmite.  How do I do jump across the pond on a nightly basis?  Simple, I’m addicted to the Vicar of Dibley.

From the time I was a child, I’ve loved all things British…British comedies, British writers, British royalty (Kate Middleton is sort of the best thing EVER), and I drink enough hot tea to impress Earl Grey himself.

When I write, I always have something on the television that 1.) is in the same tone or mood of my story and 2.) is a program I have seen so many times, that it can play in the background without distracting me.  Lately, the complete series about the lovably loony Dibley villagers has been playing on a loop in my house.  The show, if you have never heard of it, is a must-see.  Even after the umpteenth viewing, I find myself loudly laughing at the antics of the characters.

I can thank the Vicar of Dibley for introducing me to Dawn French, who I have added to my list of comedy idols.  I can also thank the Vicar for introducing me to Richard Armitage, who I will be adding to my list of potential Mr.’s to my Mrs. (just Google him, you will see what I mean, but remember that I called “dibs”).

So now, I return to writing the antics of my novel’s heroine, Ellie, whilst listening to the antics of Geraldine, Alice, Hugo, David, Owen, Frank, Jim, and Mrs. Cropley…all the while wishing I could book a trip to Dibley for a jump in one of their deceptively deep mud puddles.

(Photo: Mark Harris, The Times Magazine)

Just before Christmas I was reading the Sunday Times Magazine and found myself both relieved and dismayed in equal measure. I was reading the article by Caitlin Moran, the one where she interviews Nigella Lawson after tweeting that she wanted to put her face between the chef’s bum checks. Oh, and in a stroke of genius her editor makes them dress up as each other. Simple, yet surprisingly hilarious.

Anyway, this was not why I was relieved and dismayed in equal measure. In the interview Nigella revealed that when she tried to take up running to keep fit she had to wear two bras. She said this made her feel “rather corseted”. Tell me about it, sister. I have to do the same and it is as if I’m wearing a bulletproof vest. In my mind’s eye I liken myself to Lara Croft. In reality it’s more like Dawn French in wetsuit.

For this reason, Nigella has resorted to walking.

Now, it is a relief to know that there is someone else out there doing exactly the same thing as me. I don’t often admit to people that my 32H breasts are so buxom that one sports bra isn’t enough. My friends are visibly shocked that a bra with straps two inches thick and four hooks wide is not supportive enough. Thankfully, I have found a kindred spirit in Nigella. I can now watch her big (bacon) baps with a newfound understanding.

But then I was also dismayed. If Nigella, the woman who goes to the extreme of wearing a burka in the swimming pool to prevent sunburn, can’t find something sturdy enough to support her bosom then what hope is there for the rest of us? I have three sports bras (Bravissimo and M&S), none of which can do the job alone. I assumed that I was looking in the wrong place but now I fear there are actually no bras that will work.

Ladies, please help me. Does anyone know of a bra shop that can save my Cooper’s ligaments from sagging to the floor by which time all will be lost?

Ps. I wanted to add this snippet from the interview just because it made me laugh.

“I’ve done your sandwich as I do my children’s,” Nigella says, reappearing with a bacon sandwich she has made with calm, tong-wielding efficiency. “White bread, dipped in the bacon fat.”

As a non-religious person, being given a dripping, filthy bacon sandwich by Nigella Lawson is the nearest I have ever come to receiving some kind of sacrament or absolution. I try to work out which is more beautiful – this bacon sandwich or Nigella’s face. I literally can’t decide.

When her 40th birthday arrives, Sara’s friends decide it’s time for her to tell her parents she’s gay. They are due for a visit in 6 weeks and if Sara doesn’t out herself, her friends will. The series is semi-autobiographical, Perkins herself was ‘outed’ in 2002 by ex-girlfriend Rhona Cameron.

There will be a six 30 minute episodes and be broadcast on BBC 2 in January or February 2013.

 I didn’t ask her about E L James’ Fifty Shades of Grey, which I assume is still going like hot cakes, though I would expect that most people who are going to read it will have done so by now. I did however find that 50 Sheds of Grey, one of the parodies is doing well. It’s not a story at all, but a series of short paragraphs full of innuendo plus lots of photographs of sheds, which are all … er.. grey. Some people like to buy ‘silly’ presents as stocking fillers and this seems to be just the thing.

Now Fifty Shades of Mr Darcy by William Codpiece Thwackery is altogether a more substantial and I would guess funnier parody, which could have you chuckling in the first two or three pages. I can do no better than quote two Amazon reviewers: “This postmodern parody is sure to have all nicely brought up young ladies guffawing into their fans.” and “If you thought that Pride and Prejudice was overwrought and Fifty Shades was overbought then this is the book for you. It satirises both novels in a plot that has the same dramatic tensions as Jane Austen’s original work but for entirely different and hilarious reasons.” Oh, and it’s selling well at WHSmith.

Now for something quite different. It was hard for anyone watching the BBC News last weekend to avoid the fact that Bradley Wiggins was voted the BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2012 (SPOY for short). Wiggo’s autobiography, My Time, is out and it’s doing well. Getting the SPOY award will no doubt boost sales. I didn’t realize that this is the 3^rd volume of autobiography, the previous ones being: InPursuit of Glory (2008, Orion Books) and On Tour(2010, Orion Books). I have to say that Mr Wiggins’ photograph on the front of the book does have a rather strange expression – does anyone else think so?

Crime always sells well and Ian Rankin seems unable to do wrong. His latest Rebus novel is called Standing in another man’s grave. This Rebus novel is rather unusual in that Rankin pits two detectives against each other ; the teetotal Fox and the beer swilling Rebus. Have a look at the Guardian review.

It’s impossible to get away from cookery books in WHSmith and two quite different books in that category are/were doing quite well. One is Jamie Oliver’s Jamie’s 15 minute meals and the other is the hefty tome by Nigel Slater called Kitchen Diaries. The latter has no doubt been given a boost by the recent TV screenings of Slater’s series “Dish of the Day” on BBC2. Of course there are loads of cookery books to choose from and some are/were at rock bottom prices.

Perhaps I really ought to read one of Dawn French’s novels. Her latest, Oh Dear Silvia is about a patient lying in hospital in a coma who is visited by various characters from her past life. The Independent reviewer was not impressed – the comment “this could have been a better book” is quite telling. Still it doesn’t have to be a really good book to be a bestseller I suppose.

Finally – and I don’t usually write about  books for younger readers – there are a couple of titles for children that are really doing well: the seventh in the ‘Diary of a Wimpy kid’ series by Jeff Kinney called The Third Wheel and David Walliams’ Ratburger. It’s about a little girl called Zoe who has a small rat called Armitage. The Guardian children’s books site says it’s ‘brilliant’ – what better recommendation could you get?

Have a very happy Christmas and all the best for 2013

It was terrible. 1.5 stars. I only finished it because I love Dawn French. It was a pity read. And the main character, a middle aged women, flirts with the idea of having an affair with a much younger man and I thought it was Dawn’s way of getting back her cheating hubby!
Also note it’s one Finance Book Exchange book that won’t make it back to the exchange shelf!

Gary Barlow teamed up with Dawn French for his Text Santa contribution (Picture: ITV)

Gary Barlow picked some very special backing singers for his gig in Manchester.

The 41-year-old was joined on stage at the O2 Apollo by Dawn French, Tulisa, 24, and Nicole Scherzinger, 34, for a rendition of The Pogues’ Fairytale Of New York.

‘Gary has been waiting to duet with me for such a long time and tonight he finally got his wish, and I finally relented,’ joked 55-year-old French.

The full sketch will be shown on ITV1’s fundraiser show Text Santa on air from 8pm tomorrow.

Meanwhile Gary has refused to confirm or deny whether he will be returning to his X Factor judges’ seat next year.

Fellow X Factor judges Tulisa and Nicole Scherzinger also came along to join the Take That singer (Picture: ITV)

The Take That singer, who made it all the way to this year’s final as mentor to Christopher Maloney, has faced rumours that he is set to be axed – but said that it was too early to say whether he would return or not.

However he added: ‘I’ve had a great time this year. You’ll just have to wait and see. This year has definitely been more enjoyable.’

‘I know where everything is, who everyone is and what to expect every week – although there have still been a few surprises.

Aside from being a most catchy song that I have NO idea what the words are and would no doubt make a fistful of Jewish people collapse hysterically laughing on the floor should I EVER be stupid enough to attempt to sing my erstwhile version in their close proximity, the name Hava Nagila means “Let us rejoice”! I have SO much to rejoice that I often feel guilty for having the odd whinge about how rocky our soil is and how many weeds we have here on Serendipity Farm. I just got back from a visit to my daughter’s home in Launceston. I had a really great time with them both and we spent a large proportion of the time that we had together cooking. My daughters are amazing cooks. Neither of them has ever studied technique or worked in the industry but they are very adventurous and tend to pair some very interesting ingredients that I would never think could possibly work together but incredibly…they do! The first night we had chilli. I had vegan chilli made with some ingredients that I had brought along with me (oh ye of little faith! ) and it was delicious. I think there is still a bowl of it in the girl’s fridge and I am sure that they will find something creative to do with it. On night 2 we had an amazing feast. The girls have recently become enamoured with all things Korean and had purchased some Korean cookbooks and some mixed cookbooks with Korean recipes in them. We decided to have a go at some of the recipes and ended up spending a marathon 5 hours preparing and cooking 12 dishes that were all amazing and that teamed up to make an amazing feast. We made cucumber salads, spinach side dishes, 3 different kinds of “pancakes” ranging from a very normal pancake type batter topped with spring onions (which we couldn’t buy at the local shop and had to sub the next best thing…leek…so from hereon in, wherever I specify “spring onion” you will have to insert “leek” ) and chillies through to a very inventive recipe using dried split green peas (which we couldn’t find in their local small supermarket on the day we wanted them but found the day after…go figure!) and rice cooked together then pureed and combined with various finely sliced vegetables and cooked like pancakes. The girls eat meat and so made some rice balls filled with smoked salmon and avocado which are technically not Korean and were based on a Japanese recipe BUT they were amazing and I had oyster mushrooms, pickled ginger and avocado in mine. They also had some marinated Korean chicken drumsticks and a pork dish that I can’t quite remember what it was but it looked good. We ended this marathon degustatory event with some simple but incredibly delicious yeasted pancakes that looked more like doughnuts without holes and that were stuffed with crushed palm sugar, roasted peanuts and cinnamon and that were amazing.

Steve says that this truck is a transformer…the only thing that I can see it transforming is an empty space into a space full of wood chips…

Another “Steve” shot…apparently this is ANOTHER transformer…I think we are being overrun by them!

Right behind a new estate in Exeter are the remains of an old abandoned orchard. Steve, Bezial, Earl and I went exploring today and found all different kinds of apples, pears and even a nectarine tree out in the open and just waiting to be scrumped by possums and wayfaring Sidmouth Scrumpers

By the look on his face, this scrumper has had enough of wandering around old abandoned orchards and wants to return to the civilisation afforded by 2 streets back to the main street

On night 3 we could have been forgiven for having something very simple but not us! We went the way of the home made pizza. The girls used a cookbook that mum had given us last year full of homemade pizza recipes and as I have had more experience cooking with yeast, I made the dough. We made 3 batches of dough because we made a pizza for Steve (because he had obviously been a bit jealous of our cooking exploits over the weekend) and one for the girl’s dog Qi who has an adventurous palate for a dog and who gets very interesting meals. The girls made an almost “regular” type of pizza topped with chicken, a spicy hot salami, pine nuts and “other things” that I didn’t really notice as I was busy slathering tomato paste on pizza bases and ensuring that the cheese flow kept going. They also made an interesting combination of prawns, chicken, various other things (again…applied while I was otherwise occupied so I would only be speculating about exactly what went on) and coconut. I don’t think that Beth was enamoured of this pizza but Madeline seemed to like it. Qi got a meaty pizza and Steve got his favourite things (hot salami, chicken, onion, capsicum, chilli, mushroom and vintage cheese) and he has stashed it in the freezer for a delicious quick meal for the coming week when we have to finish off the chook pen and are too knackered to cook (smart man! ). I typed out lots of recipes from the cookbooks that the girls purchased and they gave me a couple of CD’s by a Korean band called Winterplay that do some really good covers of popular songs and I will be listening to them whilst trying to wade my way through my 1000+ rss feed reader blog posts that struck terror into even my seasoned mass blog reading heart when I got up this morning. If you would like to hear them and check out just how good this band is you can hear them covering “Don’t know why” a Norah Jones hit and can see why I really like them

That’s my bit for spreading the love people…I would have NEVER heard of this wonderful band if it hadn’t been for my adventurous daughters and their adventurous palates…it’s time spent like the weekend that I just had that reinforce the value of family and of simple time spent together. No matter how ragged or crumpled your family is, it’s the closest thing to “you” that you have. Spend time with your children…spend time with your parents…heal those wounds (if there are any to heal) and get back together with the people that really do matter the most, your own flesh and blood and the people that will tell you the truth (sometimes with great gusto ). I love you girls and can’t begin to thank you for that wonderful weekend…even Bella Lugosi in Chandu the Magician, a 1932 movie that we watched to fill the Bella free zone that Beth needs to quench on a regular basis. We even watched Lilo and Stitch which I really hadn’t watched before and that I enjoyed disproportionately to what I thought that I would. I especially love this drawing that was on the fridge and that we have used as a family in joke for years without me even having watched the reference for this joke…

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2vmiiw4&s=5

In a word, I did all sorts of things that I don’t usually do. I adjusted to Madeline’s stringent washing up rollcall and exactly how to put it back where it goes…I slept with Qi and learned how to contort my middle aged body into the human equivalent of a pretzel to accommodate her desire to spread out over as much of the bed as she could possibly take up and I adjusted my getting up time to fit in with the girls going to bed time. Who would have known…a change really IS as good as a holiday )

Stage 1 of banksia flower development…

Stage 2…

and finally stage 3

If you can avert your eyes from the insect nuptuals going on towards the top of this shot (I can’t pinpoint it exactly for you because I am averting my eyes!), this is a bottlebrush flower

Peter Cundall, Mr organic garden show ABC television presenter himself and who lives not too far away from Serendipity Farm told us that this was going to be a bit of a stinker this summer in Tasmania. Stinker as in heat…not as in smell. I tend to agree with him because things run in cycles and they tend to be 4 yearly in Tasmania. We have mild years and hot years and this just so happens to coincide with our first year in Tasmania where our first full summer was a real eye opener because we thought that we were going to be cold and we discovered just how hot it can be here and our first winter was so cold we got chilblains and didn’t even know what they were.  We are more aware of the seasons here now and know it is going to be hot when we start seeing the cicada husks stuck to the
grass. This year we can hear them getting the band tuned nice and early and by the time mid-summer gets here they will have coordinated themselves into a wall of united stomach rasping. We won’t see them for at least 4 more years because their life cycle takes that long for them to reach adulthood and emerge from under the ground. At least the native birdlife get a “Hava nagila” moment of their own with plenty of free clicking protein for all!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psaltoda_moerens

Aside from me looking like I am doing some sort of a sailors hornpipe dance you can begin to get an idea of how lucky we were to get not 1 roll, but 2 of these rolls of ex-fish farm netting. There are about 50 more of them up for grabs and we will be putting our hands up for as many rolls as they would like to let us have. We have also removed that blue rope and are storing it in Steve’s shed for posterity…(I think “posterity” is like “hoarding” ).

Looking back the other way towards the house. We will get 4 x 2.5 metre x 20 metre lengths of this netting that should be enough to enclose our wayfaring chooks and keep them from digging halfway to China in their endeavours to have dustbaths all over Serendipity Farm

One of the Brachychitons that we liberated from anarchy and chaos earlier in the year that hadn’t flowered in years and that is absolutely covered in flowers this year. Now all we have to do is pull all of that dead dodder from around it’s leaves and it might stand a chance of surviving for a few years more

A cicada husk…one of many (it’s going to be a noisy Christmas this year on Serendipity Farm!)

A close-up of garnet particles used to sandblast the Batman Bridge before it gets repainted

Christmas wreath (and all sorts of other project) futures!

Harvested willow…the rest is up to me!

It’s suddenly Wednesday and after heading over to Exeter to send Steve’s mum a calendar and pick up some library books and giving the dogs a good walk in the process we spent the day productively by measuring one of the large rolls of ex-fish farm netting that we got a little while ago. We were told that it was 20 metres long by 10 metres wide and after measuring it we think it’s probably a good estimate. We should have enough in a single roll to complete our chook shed reno and the other roll can be used to fully enclose our vegetable garden. We have been promised more of this precious commodity in the near future and we are going to get creative with it and use it to protect our small possum weary orchard and other areas that we don’t want the possums to invade. We cut a 2.5 metre wide strip from the first roll using the knives that we bought for grafting. We haven’t grafted much with them but we have at least used them for something! In the process we liberated 20 metres of strong thick nylon rope and tomorrow we will liberate 20 metres more. No idea what we are going to do with all of the rope but you can never have enough rope out in the country . After we finished cutting the rope from the netting we folded the netting up and set it aside…part 1 of the chook shed. By the time we finish we will have 4 x 20 metre long segments that we are going to attach to poles that we have already installed where we want to re-educate our chooks into who is the boss around here. It was getting pretty warm under the hole in the ozone layer that is our bright blue sky here in Tasmania so we headed off to put some stakes into the veggie garden to hold our rapidly growing tomatoes and prevent them from lying against the bird netting and being nibbled by waiting varmints. I guess the varmints are pruning the wayfaring branches for us but for now, they have been trussed up and the varmints are going to have to wait. I took a few photos of how our vegetables are going and it’s amazing to see how quickly vegetables will grow when you give them enough sunshine, food and water. The only thing that grows faster is the weeds (

We headed over to the East side of the Batman Bridge where there is a free camping ground and a large willow tree just waiting for clever locals to harvest to collect some willow canes to make our Christmas Wreath from. I had a bit of an altercation with a local redneck who had been racially abusing some Chinese tourists but nothing that Earl and I couldn’t handle . I heard on the news today that 52% of Tasmanian year 8 students are not able to meet the benchmark for mathematics. That joins our dubious honour of having 1 in 2 native born Tasmanians who can’t read or write adequately. Education needs to be pushed hard in this state. I guess it has worked to our politician’s advantage, up until now, to have an uneducated and unquestioning public who leave politics to the “experts” but now that the forest industry is on the verge of total collapse it is rapidly becoming obvious that most Tasmanians are ill equipped to do anything other than cut down trees with chainsaws and a subclass of bored, unemployed rednecks is going to be a significant problem for tomorrows politicians and the heinously understaffed police force that was cut to the bone recently in a vain attempt to reign in the budget deficit. I sometimes feel like banging my head on the wall when I (stupidly) watch the local news. I am not a particularly politically motivated person but blind Freddy could see just how inept and self-serving our politicians are and the really REALLY scary thing is that there isn’t any viable alternative for us to vote for. It’s equally as scary how quickly I can turn rabid whenever I consider our endemic politicians so I might just stop RIGHT THERE for today )

Some Serendipity Farm “Yellow Nugget” cherry tomatoes

One bed staked…

and the other…

Can anyone “splain” to me why this tomato plant seems hell bent on only growing horizontally? Nick (our ex-long suffering lecturer) took a most entrepreneurial view of our crazy tomato predicament and said “save the seed…make sure it stays true to type and only grows horizontally and then sell it for vertical and hanging baskets…make a fortune!”…cheers Nick, but I think you have us confused for entrepreneurs rather than lazy bums…(our subterfuge worked! )

We are still getting used to having time on our hands to do things other than study. It has been lovely to get stuck into working around the house and we have even started using the calendar that comes with using Google as our home page to keep us moving in the right direction. I picked up Dawn French’s first fiction work today from the library and am going to give it a whirl around the dance floor and see how she twirls. I also picked up the cold climate permaculture book about Hepburn Springs by David Holmgren because I now have time to read it from cover to cover like it deserves. Helen, the library lady, had put a book aside about making your own beauty products for me. She sometimes sees a book that she thinks that I might like and puts it on the shelf along with my ordered books. Cheers Helen, I like the look of some of the recipes inside and goodness only knows I can do with a slather or two of natural unguents if they will lend me an air of respectability once in a while . We have a full week of sorting out the chook house and then finding homes for 20+ hens. If anyone wants some prime year old egg laying (if you can find them ) hens, let me know. I had entertained giving them the chop and filling our freezer but entertaining and doing are 2 very different things. Roosters can be rationalised but hens in their prime cannot. After we make the chook coop we will be hurling ourselves headlong into all sorts of projects that we isolated from our Tuesday meeting where we had a bit of a confab about what direction we wanted to go in (preferably forwards) and how setting a few goals might actually cause us to follow through on a few of our plans.

The rocket, lettuce, perpetual spinach, capsicum and chilli bed

Not too sure what you do with perpetual spinach but at least we have one!

Aren’t lettuces pretty?

Can you see the adventitious little tomato plant that grew from last years compost placed reverently in this garden bed? We think that it is one of Wendy’s lovely heritage tomatoes and it has a sibling in the next bed going great guns. I will let you know what they turn out like…by the way there is an aphid on the tomato…it won’t last long because the veggie gardens are seething with little lizards that seem to be doing a sterling job on cleaning up the tiny grasshoppers that have been attracted to the veggie garden like moths to a light. A fine example of integrated pest management at it’s finest

It’s time to think about posting this post now and after I do, I will head up to the veggie garden and will pick some mushrooms, some lettuce, some rocket and some spinach to make Steve a side salad to go with his evening meal. Living close to the ground is about as rewarding as it gets and I am going to have to get pretty close to the ground to harvest that lettuce! See you all on Saturday when we may just have that chook yard sorted out and I might just have some photos to share with you of some stunned looking enclosed chooks and Yin with his beak through the netting protesting his newfound confinement…Tasmania is a penal colony of old sir…get used to it!

By the way…anyone who would like to have a chance to win Steve’s hand made spoon has 10 days to let us know. At the moment there are only 10 people in the draw and Earl thinks that they are pretty good odds. We have a lot more walnuts than “10″ so please feel free to enter the spoon draw…only 10% of you want to win? Think of Steve’s pride!

Dawn French’s big grin on her advert poster for her new book.

Taking a slow and relaxed journey. No rushing for the tube, no fast walking, no darting around people who are walking ever so slightly slower. Who knew getting somewhere in London could be so relaxing.

A night in with my boyfriend. Amazing dinner, few glasses of wine and cuddles.

The whole problem started with this dopey cooze; “Eat the apple, oh go on, eat the apple.” Idiot.

The recently unsuccessful campaign for women bishops reformed itself around a new purpose this morning, following the government’s announcement of changes to the rules of royal succession. 

The changes will allow Prince William’s first child to succeed automatically to the throne, even if he has a girl – a move which women liberals in the CofE have condemned as a violation of all that is natural and/or holy.

Large commedienne Dawn French, who has played a vicar and therefore knows what she is talking about, said “Women everywhere have struggled for the right to be the one in the funny hat and robes who tells all the ones in the funny robes but without hats what to do.

“I mean it’s pretty demeaning that the furthest a woman can currently get in the church is being allowed to wear a dog-collar. So we’re all for change. But moving to a situation where a woman can be king?! No way. I mean, what would you even call that? It’s not right. I am not judging, but it is just not right.”

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said “A woman automatically eligible to be head of the church? Jesus Christ, what’s next?! Um…sorry, that wasn’t blasphemy, that was…a prayer. Yep, I was praying. What is next, O Lord?”

But the government insists that this modernising measure is necessary, and hopes to drag royalty, church and the aristocracy into the mid-twentieth century.

Nick Clegg, who Cameron allowed to announce the Succession to the Crown Bill (much like even an arthritic mangy dog gets thrown a bone occasionally), said “But we already have a queen; all we are suggesting is that if a girl is born first, she doesn’t have to then wait for all her younger brothers to die in wars or plane crashes, like the runt in a litter.

“Oh, and the heir to the throne can now be a Catholic as well.”

At which point the entire General Synod and all the clergy of the Church of England had simultaneous heart attacks. (Large commedienne Dawn French also had a heart attack, but not because she has played a vicar.)

*********

The Morning Babel would like to refute the charge that we encourage fattism; we promote healthy eating, and campaign vigorously against junk food and lardy bastards.

I work in a North London School 1 to 1 with two autistic children.  It’s a mainstream school but we have more than our share of needy children. I had pre-warned the children as I know they would find the change a little challenging.

My morning boy, lets call him Adam, just looked at me and said “You look weird”  ok fair enough but the rest of the children in the class became obsessed with it being a wig.  Even down to pulling it to see if it would come off. I stopped them pulling my hair up as I knew that I had a black tide along my hairline where I couldn’t quite get the dye off.  This only fuelled the wig rumour. They have no idea who Dawn French is, but luckily they dont know Anjelica Huston either.

I partially blame myself as on Anti bullying day, I dressed head to foot in blue. I wore, Blue tights, blue skirt, blue jumper, and the crowning glory, a blue wig. I convinced these children that it was my real hair and I had dyed it blue.  When I came in the next day with my natural mouse coloured hair they were confused. So of course this time they assumed I was fooling them again.

I suppose the big question is why did I do it? Well I would quite like to look like Dawn French; she is pretty and quite cool. And I want blue highlights in there and black is the best colour to go with that. Why do I want blue highlights?  To annoy the head teacher? To get noticed?  Because I am going to see the Damned in 11 days and want to look cool? Not sure but I do like the hair.

Oh and my afternoon boy?  Let’s call him Martin, He is severely autistic and doesn’t have any speech although I am teaching him to sign Makaton. He just kept looking at me and gazing at my hair. I am unsure if he approved or not.

I really don’t know what they will make of the blue highlights. Especially as they wash out.

I took a picture of my hair for facebook, thinking I looked the business.  Checking the photo to see how much like Dawn French I looked, I was quite disappointed.  Yeah, I look like Anjelica Huston

This week’s selectors include Nigella Lawson, Ed Miliband (look out for a scintillating endorsement), Waterstones 11 author, Rachel Joyce and Jeanette Winterston…

History, Fiction, and indeed a combination of the two, all feature heavily.

You can find some of what they had to say about their choices below…

Nigella Lawson

The Land of Decorationby Grace McCleen

“…an intensely personal story, but told witha lightness of touch and air of magic…the work of a major new writer, which promises so much more to come.”

 Buy the book

Alain de Botton

Nonsense by Christopher Reid

“…Christopher Reid is that most unusual of modern poets. One you can understand and enjoy…life emerges as clearer, nobler and more interesting.”

Buy the book

Jonathan Dimbleby

Double Cross by Ben McIntyre

“Master storyteller and brilliant historian, Ben MacIntyre has done it again…the incredible true story of five double agents who were turned by the British in the run-up to D-Day.”

 Buy the book

Ed Miliband

The Fear Index   by Robert Harris

“a thriller about a computer designed to play the financial markets that gets out of control with devastating results. It’s a gripping read and you won’t be able to put it down.”

Buy the book

Mariella Frostrup

A Trick I learned from Dead Men by Kitty Aldridge

“At only 200 pages long, there isn’t a squandered syllable, and it’s impossible not to be moved and amused by this hard-pressed but optimistic protagonist.”

 Buy the book

Joan Bakewell

Bring up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel

“Sensationally good. It redefines the historical novel, having both an intimate and a broad perspective.”

Buy the book

Antonia Fraser

The Fishing Fleet by Anne de Courcy

“A rich and exhilarating study of an ancient sport, otherwise known as “getting your man to the altar”…teenage girls posted off to India in the days of the Raj, with the express intention of finding a husband.”

Buy the book

Bernard Cornwell

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain

“…the story of Billy, a US soldier who becomes a celebrity when his heroism in Iraq is caught bya TV crew. The prose is coruscating, the wit profound and the sympathy deep. A wonderful satire on contemporary America. ”

Buy the book

Alexander McCall Smith

 The New Elizabethans by James Naughtie

“In this Jubilee year, what could be better than a book on the people who have made an impact on the last six decades of life in the United Kingdom? And wo better to pen it than James Naughtie of Radio 4′s Today programme.”

 Buy the book

Amanda Foreman

 Bertie by Jane Ridley

“…a great deal of second-rate gloop has been written about King Edward VII, but she balances the salacious aspects of Edward’s life with his unsung role as the grand statesman of Europe.”

Buy the book

Simon Sebag Montefiore

Bring up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel

“…brings an entire age blazingly to life, dominated by the wolfish intelligence of Thomas Cromwell, the brutal egotism of the tyrant king, Henry VIII, and the deadly feline games of Tudor courtiers.”

Buy the Book

Sebastian Faulks

The Victorian Cityby Judith Flanders

“…full of detail and colour about everyday life in Dickens’s London, and leaves you with a sense not only of how hard life was then, but how strange…”

Buy the book

Salman Rushdie

Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo

“…the harsh life of a Mumbai slum vividly recreated on the page in unusually beautiful prose. Her characters are irresistibly alive.”

Buy the book

Dawn French

And our Faces, My Heart, Brief as Photos by John Berger

“Not a new book but it’s new to me. I found it this year and I hope to read it yearly until I die…a unique, powerful and unforgettable work that weaves together prose and poetry concerning big stuff like time, loss, home, absence, death and love.”

Buy the book

Tim Parks

We’re Flying by Peter Stamm

“Working ina tradition that goes from Chekhov, through Joyce to Carver and Lydia Davis, Peter Stamm is one of those extraordinary authors who can make the ordinary absolutely electrifying. “

Buy the book

 Rachel Joyce

Why Be Happy When You Could be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson

“an inspirational memoir, written in beautiful, exact prose that celebrates the wildness of the ordinary. Winterson’s understanding of who she is and who her adoptive mother is…is deeply moving.”

Buy the book

Jeanette Winterson

Walking Home by Simon Armitage

“The poet, Simon Armitage decided to walk the Pennine Way back to his birthplace, like a troubadour, like a tramp, like a human camera who turned what he saw on the way into words. A wonderful book.”

 Buy the book

Greg Eden for blog.waterstones.com

Today’s post is all about fab duo Jimme Karlsson and Martin Nihlmar, the designers behind the brand Jimmie Martin. Started in 2004, their unique and uber cool style was very much in demand early on, and in 2005 they won the coveted “New Designer in practice” at the Design and Decorations Awards.

Working from their premises at Kensington Church Street in London their designs soon gained a celebrity following, with the likes of  Liam Gallagher, Dawn French, Kelly Osbourne all commissioning bespoke pieces of furniture. Famed interior designer Kelly Hoppen also liked the look of their furniture and commissioned the chairs below for chef Gary Rhodes, in his W1 restaurant.

Chair for Gary Rhodes featuring his mashed potato recipe

A recent collaboration for the duo has been with Madonna, who commissioned a throne fit for a queen (namely herself), for her performance at the Super Bowl.

Madge arriving in style at the Super Bowl

As well as furniture the boys are also producing a seriously cool collection of wallpapers and cushions.

black imperfections wallpaper

sausage dog cushion

Jimmie Martin have recently opened premises in New York and Hong Kong, and are hopefully well on their way to world domination.

Check out Jimmie Martin on http://www.jimmiemartin.com

Well that really wasn’t the book that I was expecting.

It took me far longer than I usually like to engage with the narrative, but I’m glad I persevered with it because I honestly can’t remember the last time a book made my eyes sting with tears.

It’s certainly worth a read.

• DIRECTED BY: Henry Selick
• STARRING: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, John Hodgman, Jennifer Saunders, Dawn French, Keith David
• RATED: PG
• OPINION STARS: 4.5 out of 5
• THIS FILM IS: Thoughtful, Bizarre, Dark

DESCRIPTION: When Coraline (voiced by Fanning) unlocks a mysterious passageway in her family’s home, she crawls into a world exactly like her own – only better. But nothing is ever as perfect as it seems, and deadly secrets lurk behind the beautiful facade.

• VIOLENCE & GORE: 3/10
• FRIGHTENING CONTENT: 6/10
• FOUL LANGUAGE: 3/10
• MATURE THEMES: 6/10
• SEXUALITY & NUDITY: 3/10

NOTE: Based on the book by Neil Gaiman. Coraline is a feast for the imagination. It’s gob-smackingly gorgeous – the type of movie I could freeze-frame and stare at for hours. It’s sophisticated – a throwing down of the gauntlet, if you will, to those who think animation can’t be wedded to heady storytelling. It’s dark – the way a non-Disneyfied fairytale should be. It is, in short, the best not-for-kids kids movie I’ve ever seen – and I will be watching it again. (I do mean the “not-for-kids” part, by the way. The content pushes hard against the PG rating).

• IFFY FOR AGE 13

“He pulled a loooong face… and Mother didn’t like it.”

In Coma Suite Number 5 is Silvia Shute, who fell from a balcony and now lies unresponsive. Visiting Silvia are:

• her ex-husband Ed, charged with making the tough decisions despite their divorce some years ago
• Jo, Silvia’s older sister who cannot accept the fact that the life essence of Silvia may be gone and she tries any number of holistic and out there methods to attempt to bring her sister’s spirit back into her body,
• Winnie, the West Indian nurse in charge of a lot of Silvia’s care,
• Tia, Silvia’s cleaner who struggles to make ends meet with a disabled husband and two children in school,
• Cat, Silvia’s dangerously possessive friend who is hiding secrets, and
• Cassie, Silvia’s daughter, who has had a very fractious relationship with her mother since she abandoned Cassie when she was pregnant.

From revolving points of view between those characters, glimpses of the Silvia and the horrible secrets she holds are laid bare to the reader. Unable to explain or help herself, unable to make the people around her see why she has chosen to do what she did to many people who now sit by her bedside, willing her to wake, the visitors must piece together their own picture of Silvia. Ed is the betrayed husband, left by Silvia with barely an explanation and treated with disdain during the proceedings. He’s depressed, damaged by the removal of his place as Silvia’s husband and is thinking of drastic measures. Jo is the older sister who was told to take care of Silvia no matter what, to never let anything happen to her and now she is almost manic because she believes she has failed in that directive. She will try anything, anything to get her sister to come back to them. Cat appears to be a devoted friend but look a little closer and the cracks are showing, revealing some serious instability. What is she hiding and what is her hold over Silvia? Why does no one trust her? Cassie is Silvia’s daughter and if it weren’t for her boyfriend’s family, she might’ve been out on the street. She has a lot of issues with her mother and it is some time before she can bring herself to cross the threshold of Coma Suite 5. Tia is Silvia’s cleaner, an immigrant whose children have delighted in teaching her naughty slang which now peppers her conversation. With Silvia in a coma there’s no one around to pay her so Tia takes her own wages, but she loyally continues to clean and visit Silvia in the hospital, bringing her traditionally cooked dishes in an attempt to awaken her. Lastly Winnie, a nurse on the floor of Silvia’s room who respectfully takes care of Silvia’s personal needs as she laments the unwise decisions she has made concerning men and thinks of her desire to raise her young son Luke to be respectful to women, thus attempting to break a cycle of neglect.

Oh Dear Silvia is the most recent novel from popular comic Dawn French, probably best known for her role in the TV series The Vicar Of Dibley. I haven’t read her previous novel, A Tiny Bit Marvelous, nor have I seen more than 2 or 3 episodes of The Vicar Of Dibley so my knowledge her is generally based on what I’ve read in the paper or magazines. It also might be the first novel I’ve read where the main character remains in a coma for the entire book and doesn’t contribute a single word of dialogue or narrative thought. It’s an interesting technique, using others to paint a picture of a deeply complicated woman and I think for the most part, it works. In the first few chapters, Silvia is deeply unsympathetic, portrayed as brutal, uncaring, unfeeling, especially towards her ex-husband, who still bears the scars of their split some years before, and to their daughter Cassie, kicking her out of home and abandoning her when she would have been most vulnerable. Silvia has almost no relationship with either of her two children (Cassie’s brother is in the armed serviced, deployed to fighting the war on terror) and her social circle has narrowed considerably it seems, to basically only feature her long-term friend Cat. Ed and Jo are united in their dislike and distrust of Cat but even they are unable to really imagine the depth of instability that lurks beneath Cat’s calm General Practitioner exterior, nor will they even be able to comprehend the secrets Silvia has kept.

I have to admit, I felt that the secrets would not be revealed as early as they were in the book and I think because of that they may have lost some impact. The author built Silvia up as a certain type of character only to dismantle that very quickly and you don’t really get a chance to grasp the way in which people like Ed and Cassie feel about her because the secrets come spilling out and you are immediately presented with a different side of Silvia. While the book was very well written and enjoyable, I think the pacing was a fraction off, for me anyway. And like Shelleyrae at Book’d Out, I found the chapters from Winnie’s perspective whenever there was a lot of Winnie talking to Silvia, borderline unreadable. It was written phonetically in West Indian vernacular/accent and in long passages it made my brain melt. If it was just a couple of sentences here and there, it was quite fine and I could hear the accent in my head but paragraphs and paragraphs became very difficult to understand.

Overall I liked Oh Dear Silvia and found the idea and way it was constructed very interesting. It was the sort of book that was quite easy to rip through quickly, because there was always something more you wanted to know about a particular character, not just Silvia. It could easily have been a very depressing novel, but it still manages to retain a humour through some lovely moments and some comic relief with Jo’s outlandish attempts to get Silvia to wake up. I think Dawn French is quite clever and I’d be happy to read any of her future works.

7/10

Book #246 of 2012