I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to my Blog!  As the title states, I am an Apostate Rebel.  Oh, don’t worry!  Despite what the title may imply, I’m not an evil person.  No, really, I’m not! I’m a person, just like countless others that once lived a life of faith, devoted to God, the church, spreading the “good news” and trying to live up to the expectations of words and scriptures written thousands of years ago.  Oh, and not to mention the expectations of those fellow believers watching every move you make.

Like countless others who once walked “in the faith”, I found my beliefs lacking.  I decided to really examine those beliefs, beliefs about the Bible, God, Jesus and myself as a “sinner”.  These cherished beliefs that had been held dear to me for 24 years began to erode and crumble away when exposed to the light of reason.  I actually read the Bible as a book, much like any other book, instead of a “God breathed, God inspired” holy book.  The beliefs that I had help sacred for so many years began to be stripped away like the layers of an onion.

So, how did this all begin?  As you will read in future postings, my journey of faith began, like it does for so many of us, in a moment of crisis.  Ironically, it ended in a moment of crisis like it does for so many others.

This blog is my story.  A story of my life as a Christian, and my story of de-conversion to a life of what my Christian friends label “apostasy.”

So, just what does this word “apostate” mean?  Quite simply it means “one who has abandoned religious faith, a cause or principles.”  I think this definition best describes me:

The total rejection of Christianity by a baptized person who, having at one time professed the Christian faith, publicly rejects it. It is distinguished from heresy, which is limited to the rejection of one or more Christian doctrines by one who maintains an overall adherence to Jesus Christ.

Please join me as I tell my story of a life once lived for God and faith, and travel the road with me to understand what real freedom is.  Freedom from dogma, freedom from religion, freedom from control, and ultimately the freedom to choose to live my life the way I feel is best for me based on reason and rational thinking.

Josh and I come from similar backgrounds. He wrote a post describing the questions and experiences he had. Reading it, I felt at times I was reading the male version of me! Here are some highlights:

I was born and raised in a Christian home. My father was a pastor so I know a measure of the bible, and some theology too. I’m not an expert, but I know what the bible says and I studied it for years as a part of my daily life.

Being a Christian was a part of who I was. I felt there was no other way I could be. I had never officially had that repentant ‘moment’ that other people say they had — that day that they say they turned their life over to God — as I always felt I was God’s child right from the moment I was born. Of course there were times when it seemed hard to follow, or I rebelled, but never for long, and I always returned to God. In those times, I never truly doubted I would return, and I always accepted that it was my sin and my choice that had led me off the ‘path’.

This makes me sound like I was a typical wayward teen, but I really wasn’t. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, and I wanted to be the type of guy that others would look to and see Jesus’ love. So all my sins were internal or petty — selfish anger, pride, lust — never anything particularly obvious to an outside observer. That isn’t to say that I didn’t recognize these sins as sins — I did — I asked God regularly to forgive me for them, to take them, to teach me to be better.

Continuing:

OK, so I couldn’t get God to show himself to me — but I still kept going on faith. Years passed, and I thought I was getting closer to God. I got married, and I thanked God for his blessings. A year passed, and life was good. Then my wife got ill. We knew fairly soon that it wasn’t life threatening, and we even hoped she’d get better reasonably quickly. Lots of people have ‘Chronic Fatigue’ and get better in 1 or 2 years. We were hopeful.

But as time went on, I discovered more about how Mil was feeling. She hid it well, but she was in constant pain, and couldn’t do anything that she wanted to do any more. She had to stop going to bible studies — but I kept on without her. She soon found it difficult to wake up for church — so I kept going alone. One by one, all the things we hoped for our first few years of marriage fell away, leaving Mil bored, alone, and hurt. Leaving me angry, frustrated and tired.

I kept it up for a while. And I thought that maybe it was in God’s Plan^TM. But the illogic of the situation started to eat away at my faith. I thought, how could this be in God’s plan? To allow pain and suffering on someone I love? How could any future benefit outweigh the damage that has been done to our faiths, our friendships and our plans? I still had a glimmer of hope (still do honestly) that it could all work out for the best. It all happened slowly over time, but I put it into words one morning after a particularly bad night. That post was the first I wrote.

And a very nicely put ending.

And the future? I want to get God’s attention. I want him to notice that I’m not on His guest list any more and come looking for me. I guess in a way, the parable of the prodigal son is not a comfort for me, because I don’t feel I ignored my Father, but that he ignored me. And if I can’t get His attention, I’ll keep living my life. One day, these questions will cease and I won’t bother looking at all. Alternatively, this testimony will have a sequel — and I’ll tell you how I came back to God. I know which outcome my loved ones will be praying for.

Read the entire post here.

Thanks for sharing, Josh!

I am not upset. No…

But my heart bleeds. And the force of the pain makes me short of breath.

****

To those who don’t know who Kimdonesia was, I will just give a brief introduction about her, the way I thought of her.

I found out about her a few months ago while I was searching in YouTube for videos of ‘reverts to Islam’. And stumbled upon her channel. I was excited to see this very young (17 years old) teenager who was fascinated with Indonesia when she had lived there two years ago. She wore hijab and practiced the religion while still living with her non-muslim family. I was excited to see that there are open-minded Australians out there, who would not ex-communicate their teenage child when the said child chose to believe. She was (still is) very famous in the You Tube among Muslims and even appeared on some international interviews over the radio and everything.  She made lots of videos about her life as a Muslim; she seemed to live it and breathe it that I was so proud and at the same time humbled by her dedication towards Islam eventhough she only just converted a year ago.  She also got a blog which I had linked to mine and I followed her progress in the short few months that I knew her.

Imagine my utter horror, when one day I was looking at my blog stats and noticed that one of the ’search’ that somebody had done to reach to my blog was ‘Kimdonesia left Islam’. I was very shocked and angry at the unknown person who would do such search for I thought this must be the ultimate fitnah…But at the same time, I was curious about what had triggered the person to search for such topic. So, I clicked on Kimdonesia’s blog…and the result I got was : the blog’s gone, vanished. Like it never was.

So, I went to You Tube, and searched for her channel. Again, I met with the same unfortunate result. The channel was closed.

Forever?, I wondered, then.

I wondered what happened? I could not believe that she had left Islam.And until I found out for sure, I would not blog about my inner speculation then, lest I spread a fitnah. Besides, I was also busy with exams, but my mind was constantly disturbed by what other people been talking about her, even though at that time, Kimdonesia did not confirm anything.

You see, I have this policy in my life…that I will never believe an account of a third party unless the persons involved themselves tell me. (even then, we need to apply caution in our judgement). For example, I don’t go around judging SIS as ’sesat’ unless I read it myself what their stands are in their own website regarding certain Islamic issues. I would not say ‘Astora Jabat is sesat’ if I have never read his own writing with my own eyes (and I still don’t think anyone can say he is sesat; who are you to judge?). I would not say Ustaz Asri is wahhabi, if I have never even heard his talk. I would not say anything as BIG as implying someone else’s faith is less than mine, UNLESS that person herself/himself say in no uncertain terms that something really is so.

In cases of ambiguity where a statement could be interpreted in thousand of different ways, I would take the safest route and took the kindest meaning I could ascribe to it. Because even though I was not always fair, but I wanted to be fair and I wanted to at least put some effort in being fair.

But after a few days of wondering what was the deal with Kimdonesia, I found out the video I put up there. She claimed in no uncertain terms that she has left Islam, and I was left with no ambiguity whatsoever.

I was shocked first. And then saddened by her decision.

I forgot my Paediatrics book for awhile and just sat there on my bed in bewilderment.  I thought, she was a very strong believer…like most reverts always are compared to the ‘inherited’ Muslims. She didn’t convert because she wanted to MARRY anyone, but rather because she actually saw Islam as the right way of life (or that was what I thought was the case). She was passionate about wearing hijab…even understood and defended the wearing of it in her blog. She was conscious about halal and non-halal food (was it Marsmallow that she blogged about?) and she went into a complete wardrobe change. I think her clothes were even more modest than mine. She did all the daily prayers, and she had fasted in her first (and only) Ramadhan and she had been reading a LOT of Islamic books and can quote hadeeths and knew about the basic hadeeths as any other average Muslims.

And then, THIS? This sudden de-conversion of her totally befuddled me.

And then, there seemed to be many, many Vlog in YouTube as a response to ‘Kimdonesia Left Islam’ video. One muslim brother even went so far as to blame the sisters for her having left Islam. It created some tension in the ummah (among those who are familiar with her).

I am not going to point fingers of blame here, on anyone. I would not say bad things to Kim, but rather I wanted to blog my response to what she said in the video. I always think that being emotional about any issues is counterproductive. Rather, you need to look at the issue rationally and realistically and counter them base on logical reasoning. You won’t win an argument by being malicious and saying “Go To Hell, you apostate.” or “F**k you, you fag!”. I mean, if you don’t like homosexuality, then address the issue of homosexuality reasonably; don’t be offensive and  don’t put a lable on the people just to make them angry. It’s counter productive and it’s childish!

I mean, if someone wants to criticize Islam, I am much more likely to have a certain respect towards the person who argued with me logically, rather than someone who showed me his middle finger and said “fuck off, Islam”  to me in the street. The same principle should be applied for every sensitive issues.

Now regarding what Kimdonesia had said:

1) Her dog died, and she went into deep depression and didn’t see any point to life anymore.

Dog is a man’s best friend, isn’s that what they say?

And this is a perfect example of how much a dog can influence your whole fate. When we are in an emotional state of mind, it becomes really hard to be objective about our reasoning.

But my question is, was it the death of the dog that had triggered her de-conversion? She never really said that it really was the reason…

From the video, I got the gist that it was not any praticular logical reason per se that made her de-converted, but rather a chain of events and emotional turmoil that had led her to de-convert, Allah knows best.

I mean, she did not de-convert because someone had come up with a better religion, or because someone had logically argued with her about Islam. She is too smart and too knowledgeable now about Islam that NONE of the usual media lies could be used to sway her out of the religion. She knew that women are not less than men, she knew that we did not cover our head  in a ‘towel’ just because we are oppressed, she knew that the concept of God in Islam, that God is one, has more clarity of truth than the trinity of Christianity which remained a mystery till these days.

But what made her de-convert was a chain of events that had an impact on her emotionally. Her dog died, and then she began thinking about the fate of her non-Muslim family if they were thrown in the hell fire.

Perfectly, understandable thoughts and anxieties.

Who does not love their pet? (even though I wouln’t know since I never have one). Who does not love their family and want the best for them in the hereafter? Even our prophet Muhammad S.A.W was greatly saddened that her kind and loving Uncle died as a non-Muslim.

But these are emotional events….none of them should be made as a reason for conversion or de-conversion.

However, it can become a trigger that can lead you to the truth, or away from the truth.

My friend died in a car crash when I was 19, and THAT jolted me into learning more about Islam. Even though I was already a practicing Muslim since birth, but my faith is made much stronger afterwards because I began to research more about Islam. And Islam become important to me…before, it was just something I did as a Muslim.

But just because my friend died in car crash and I was in a shock, would that make Islam be more logical, all of a sudden? Or would that make Islam less relevant? Who knows which pathway the event could trigger us to choose? But whatever the pathway is,  the path was not any more true or any more false than it was previously. Islam has always been the truth, regardless of whether or not I was in a shock after my friend died. Her death was just a trigger for me to THINK, nothing more and nothing less.

In Kimdonesia’s case, that trigger led her away from Islam.

But you will be surprised that in another person’s case, his dog’s death was the reason he stumbled into Islam. It’s amazing how the same triggers, could lead us to choose two different paths. May Allah in his infinite wisdom guide us through all our emotional turmoils in the best way possible. Below, I put two videos about how an Australian guy found Islam after his dog died that led to an intellectual journey.

2) Her family will be thrown into the hell fire

She mentioned that she could not understand why perfectly good and kind people would go to hell just because they are not Muslims. She felt that the concept of God in Islam was different than what she wanted for God to be…

It’s amazing that a lot of people are confused about this issue. It’s true that non-believers would not get into Paradise…but there’s a condition attached to it. The non-believer would not enter paradise, only after the truth of Islam is presented upon her, yet she still refused.

A Kafiir is translated as someone who rejects the truth.

If a non-Muslim has never known the true Islam, and refused to enter Islam because she hates terrorism, because she hates women oppression, because she hates wife-beating….then, that does not mean she was rejecting Islam or the truth. Because the terrorism, the women oppression and the wife beating is NOT Islam…so not entering Islam base on that reasons are not wrong.

That’s why there’s a concept of dakwah…so that in the day of judgement no one should be able to say, I have never heard of Islam or I only heard the worse of Islam and that was why I did not convert. That was the reason prophets were sent…so that no disbelievers can say, “Oh God, why didn’t you send us a Messenger to guide us?”

Finding God is an insticnt. If we have always been a Muslim, we probably don’t understand that. But if you talk to foreigners (as I have been fortunate enough to have Australian acquaintances) it will become apparent to you that everyone instinctively seek religion…they keep on questioning and questioning. How else do you think people convert to Islam or find Islam, at last?It’s because once they have developed an abstract thinking in their teenage years, these questions become important. They needed to know!

But what happened was, people got distracted. They got distracted by the booze/alcohol, by the fun of drugs, by sex, and then for awhile they ignored that instinct to seek God. But in their more sober state, they would start thinking again and do some casual research over the net. And then they got distracted again. And the same cycle goes on and on and on. Until, if they are fortunate, they meet with a life-impacting event that truly make them think long enough and search more about the purpose of life.

If you see the party-going mat sallehs and the drunk people on the street, do not think that in their more sober state, they do not do any thinking whatsoever. They do. It just did not seem that way when you saw them in a party. You only saw the happy faces and the racy jokes and the freedom of young age. But when they are alone, in their room, they WOULD start thinking. For those who have always had religion, they did not understand what the non-believers are going through. It’s  ALWAYS at the back of their mind. I have Australian friends and even the most flirtatious, seductive, fun party-goers speculate about God…

So, in the first place, nature had given us the instinct to seek God. And in the second place, we are given an intellectual mind to weigh and compare between many religions. And in the third place, there are always events and happenings that would trigger us to keep on searching. So, when you think about it, life is a journey to search God. And the end result is either you find God or you don’t. And along the journey, this life provides us with lots of distractions… in the form of exams maybe, or our love interests, or our obsessions and hobbies, our family and kids, our goals and ambition…

The game is, whether or not you can USE that hobby, whether or not you can USE that ambition to further your journey in your quest to seek God. Some people made a hobby of writing….do you make your writing as tool of dakwah? Some people wants to become a doctor, do you make yourself as a Muslim doctor who are concerned about ethical issues surrounding the medical world? Whether or not you make sure your kids follow the religion…

That’s why as a Muslim we have to make sure these things, that become distractions for a non-muslim, can be turn into Ibadah. If not, we are a failure in life! Wake up! And think about what you are doing day in and day out; you don’t know how long your journey would last!

In the case of Kimdonesia’s family…who is to know when or if they will ever convert. Maybe they are still undergoing the journey. If you search in You Tube, a grandma of 80 years old can convert…imagine 80 years of SIN gone, washed away. Allah is MOST kind, and no one will be unfairly judged. If Kimdonesia truly believe that her family is kind and good people, then maybe one day they will convert. For Kimdonesia to turn away from Islam, on the basis of her family MIGHT be turn into hell fire because they are not Muslims NOW, it’s a preposterous decision. In fact, she should be the ONE to show her family the right way.

I have blogged in one of my previous post about Sister Roslinda who became a muslim after her husband had converted THREE years previously. But Kimdonesia only started being a Muslim about a year ago….who is to say what would happen three years down the track?

Now, I would present to you the type of person, who in spite of KNOWING the truth, would turn away from the truth. And these are the people I meant who would go to hell fire. This is a real conversation I had with a tutorial mate of mine. It was triggered by a discussion in my sexual counselling tutorial about homosexuality and abortion. And then, like discussing all contorversial and ethical issues, of course, it then became a discussion of religion! In this convesation, S is an Australian who practices Hindu.

S: So, is it true that you believe those who are not muslims, would go to hell fire?

Me: (my first instict was to say…Christianity has the same concept too, why aren’t you attacking that religion? But that kind of reasoning would not do anything to convey the truth of my religion, so I did not go down that pathway)

Yes, that’s what we believe. Those who are not Muslims would not enter paradise. But we believe that if the non-Muslims have never heard of Islam, or never knew the True Islam, other than the lies depicted by the media, then she/he would be forgiven.

S: But what if they knew about Islam, and still did not want to become a Muslim?

Me: Maybe, that’s because they knew about Islam…but not the real Islam. If you don’t want to become Muslim because you don’t agree with terrorism and all the other stigmas depicted by the media, then that doesn;t mean you reject Islam. Because that’s not Islam. The person is only responsible on the decision base on what she knew…not what she didn’t know.

S: Okay, so what if they knew the true Islam and is convinced that it’s the truth, but just does not want to become a Muslim.

Me: (I was quite speechless. WHY wouldn’t you become a Muslim, when you know it’s the truth.)

I don’t understand. You mean the person is convinced about Islam after knowing the true Islam, and yet still does not want to become a Muslim?

S: Yes…what if she just doesn’t think that kind of lifestyle suits her?

Me: (I took a deep breath) Then, she would not enter paradise.

See? At the end, I just had to say that.

That’s exactly the kind of kafir we talk about! The fact that S could think in her mind that kind of imaginary person who would choose to be that way, meant that there ARE human beings who are like that. Who knows the truth, but doesn’t want to do it.

In a smaller scale, we could see this in our daily lives. We KNOW that not covering ourselves properly is wrong…but we just doesn’t want to comply. Just because we don’t want to.

Or, we KNOW that drinking alcohol is BAD, not just for your religion but also for your health (I am a medical student and I KNOW this!!), but we just don’t want to comply.

We knew having unprotected sexual intercourse can predispose someone to STD but judging by the the number of STD patients presenting to sexual health clinic, people just DON’T comply on what they knew but on what they FEEL.  So if you can imagine this thing…then you can understand that there exist some people who are convinced of Islam, but just doesn’t want to go that way.

And in the face of such arrogance…how can you think the hell fire is not fair? We are not talking about people who misunderstood about Islam…but people who have been guided by instinct to seek religion, by events in their life to research and choose religion, by interactions with Muslims to be interested in Islam…and at last after convinced of the truth… STILL reject Islam. Is the hell fire not fair or more than fair??

3)God in Islam is not what she feels God should be.

If the God in the Quran is not what Kimdonesia imagine God should be, it does not make God act any differently. Just because she feels that God should be this way and not that way, it doesn’t make the One God any less than HE would be. In fact, we are the one who should comply to the standard that God has set for us. How come we see it fit to put standards to God and base on our own personal preference, wants God to be this way and that way. How about if another person have another different standard…and the next person have another different standard about how God should be and not be…

So, it’s RIDICULOUS to reject Islam just because we don’t get it our way.

4) She said “My life does not need religion”.

Good luck to you, then.

5)She’s happy without Islam. This is not just a phase. She didn’t think she’ll ever come back.

I still remember one of her posts in her blog when she said something like this, (I don’t remember it properly) “To those who think that my conversion to Islam is just a phase, then it will serve them right when I am greying and old and still practice the religion. “

I was very proud, at that time, at her level of conviction. But she had gone back on her words then and had proven that indeed her conversion to Islam was a phase.

I am just wondering whether or not this recent development could also be a phase. Whatever it is, I had prayed for her during her earlier days of de-conversion. For some reason, I have stopped.

8 ) Muslims friends had ditched her after her de-conversion

I guess, a lot of people would feel emotionally about her de-conversion, especially those who are very close to her. I don’t know how I would act if I have a close friend who has rejected Islam.

I see myself as trying to convince her to return to the true way of life. But if after all effort has been done and there’s nothing left to do, what then?

Even if I did not ditch her, our lives would be different. There would always be some awkward moments. I would always argue with her…mostly because I care about her. But she would not see it that way.

How else can we be friends?

Kimdonesia mentioned that friendship has nothing to do with religion.

Really??? Think about it….

I mean, I do have Australian friends; my tutorial mates, my clinic mates…I am friendly with them, some of them I chat with regularly.But my friendship with them are connected by the fact that we shared the same class, we went through the same hardship as a med student, we understood the stupid sexual jokes when learning about Obstetrics and Gynae, and we have the same hatred towards the same teacher.If we don’t share that…would I be friends with them? Isn’t that how friendship is…that once you move on with your life, you may contact one another just to catch up…but as time pass by, your emotional connection become watered down, less intense though still friendly.

Some people have friends base on having the same hobbies. Or These are the friends I take to go clubbing together. Or these are the friends I study with. Or these are the friends I met at the Archery club.

Among Muslim friends, my number one factors in friendship is based on religion. We have the same religion. We pray together, we celebrate Eid together, we fasted together, we break our fast together, we went to the mosque together…and if that connection is gone, what is left of the friendship. I might say hi every now and then, I suppose, but then what?

So, really, if friendship is not based on religion…then on what SHOULD it be based on, that makes it more valid to be based on other than religion?

I mean among my Australian friends, it would be based on hobbbies and not religion…so in the first place not having the same religion, was not something we had in mind when starting a friendship.

But when the friendship began with a lot of factors…the same religion, the same hobbies, the same studies….then not having the same religion later DOES impact on the friendship, whether you like it or not.

I guess, my feeling is, friendship is based on a lot of things…but if one of the things is religion, then that is the most important basis. So much so that if it were present during the start of a relationship, but not present NOW, then the friendship would be NOTHING!!

You may think that “But it shouldn’t be so, yadda, yadda, yadda.” but it IS so. Because, if friendship needs to have a basis on, then can anyone give a valid justification why it should be this but not that? No one can.

But you can look at the trend. That once someone has gone out of their orginal religion, a strong feeling of discontentment would creep on the relationship…UNLESS if religion has never been an important factor in the first place. And this is not just in Islam, but also true in every other religion.

****

May Allah guide us all.

May we always bear in mind that just because we are born Muslim, we may not stay that way forever. If you don’t work on your faith…it’s useless. Before you knew it, your daily prayers become nothing but habit rather than an act of worship. Before you realize it, donning a hijab is a fashion statement rather than an act of obedience.

You are guided ONLY if you are willing to follow the guidance. Why do you ask for guidance and then rebel by not following them, and then blame the guide?

To fellow Muslims out there, never be too complacent.

Like Kimdonesia rightly pointed out, it’s AMAZING how quickly we change our heart.

by Jenn

(If you have a story about fundamentalism or time in the ministry, shoot me an email at redheadedskpetic@gmail.com. I am not necessarily looking for de-conversion stories, as there are already some great sites that cater to those: see de-Conversion or Ex-Christian.net though those are fine, too. Mostly, I am looking for the ways following what were supposed to be God’s principles didn’t work out the way we were promised. If that is one incident, that is great! If it’s a whole story, that’s okay, too! Theists are also welcome to respond. This is Jenn’s story.)

I have a vivid childhood memory from when I was perhaps eight or nine years of age. I was with my mom in our minivan. I think my younger sister was with us, but I’m not positive about that. I remember saying to my mom, “I’m scared that someday I’ll reject Jesus and won’t be a Christian anymore.” My mother, wholesome and wonderful person that she is, told me that I’d have to be careful. “Just follow Jesus and you won’t have to worry about it.” I remember other times when she told me that she “worried” and “was concerned” about me, because I was intelligent. “I worry that your intelligence will lead you away from Jesus.” As things stand, I suppose she had good cause for concern.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian home. My mom was raised as a Lutheran, not one of the more liberal ones but one of the very conservative ones. My father was raised in the Assemblies of God. Somewhere along the way, my mom decided that she “wanted what they had”, namely speaking in tongues. Before my birth, my parents attended AG churches for years. Beginning the year I was born, they began attending a Foursquare Gospel church, which is very similar to AG. When I was 11, we switched back to AG, because my older sister and I were involved in many of their programs with some friends who had left our Foursquare church.

I didn’t do much questioning as a youngster. My child mind knew that things like parting the sea, a global flood, and a virgin birth weren’t logical, but I didn’t think much about it.

To protect us from the dangers of the big, bad, scary outside world, my mom began homeschooling my older sister and me when I started kindergarten. (My sister had gone to Christian school up until that point, but my parents couldn’t afford for both of us to go.) Mom was a teacher by trade up until I was born, and so I did not miss out on basic knowledge, and I benefited from one-on-one instruction. The problem was that I was a painfully shy child, and keeping me home certainly did not help me break out of this mold. I believe that it has made relationships and social interaction difficult for me to this day, though I have learned how to handle it.

Keeping us at home, and restricting our social interaction to church and a Christian home school group, made it possible to indoctrinate us to the fullest extent. (I was permitted to join Girl Scouts and softball leagues, but being shy, I never tried to socialize with those girls outside meetings and practice/games.) We could not be exposed to outside ideas, so we were “safe”.

I went through a great “spiritual crisis” at age 13, firmly believing that I had “committed the unforgivable sin”, blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. In a rebellious moment, I had muttered under my breath that I hated him. For months, I wept and worried that I would burn forever and no forgiveness was possible. I sought out pastors for advice, and was told that nobody who cared as much as I did could have committed this sin. Nothing allayed my fears. Time finally moved it to the back of my mind, but I participated in church activities with increased fervor, in an effort to prove to God how sincere I was. From age 9-13, I had been the star of the church girls’ program (Missionettes). In 6th grade I mastered Bible Quiz, where I memorized something like 536 questions and answers. At age 14, I raised money and went on a missions trip to Switzerland.

Longing to experience something of the outside world, I begged my parents to let me go to high school. Public school was out of the question. I might learn about evolution and have sex education other than abstinence – the only righteous way! (True, we did not live in a good area and the high school, with its fences and metal detectors, more closely resembled a jail than a learning institution.) They sacrificed for me to go to a Christian school, where I dutifully attended prayer group for the last 10 minutes of lunch every day. Because I had so little skill or experience in dealing with people, I was a virtual outcast my freshman year, and cried in the bathroom every day. I asked God to help me make friends, but he was deaf to my cries. I tried to tell myself that perhaps I was meant to learn a lesson from it, but I did not believe it. I was a good kid who was mocked for her shyness and awkwardness (though there were a few kind souls who occasionally reached out). What lesson did I need to learn?

Thankfully, the last three years of high school were much better. In fact, I categorize them as the best years of my life. This was due to good friends, though, not God. (Of course my friends were godly, though!) I continued to participate in youth musicals and such at church, though I felt unworthy. I still believed that everyone needed to be saved from eternal damnation, but I no longer believed that people who had a drink on occasion were awful sinners. I wondered if this meant I were turning toward a life of sin. Still, I wept when I found out that a lifelong friend of mine had become pregnant outside marriage at age 20. I was 16 at the time, and I remember crying to a friend, “People have always told me I was just like her! I wouldn’t do that! Why would she do this? She was raised better!” The friend to whom I cried told me that I could mourn my other friend’s lost innocence, but that God could forgive her and so must I. I did not have to follow in her footsteps. Looking back, I am astonished at how sick and twisted all this really was.

I also began to question the role of women in church during junior high and high school. I began to be angry over the treatment of women as inferiors, and was never satisfied with the pathetic explanation that we “weren’t inferior, just had different roles.” I remember once, around 15 or 16, listening to a sermon about how women were created to be “helpmates” and should be submissive. I sat there, clenching and unclenching my fists and taking deep breaths at how offensive and twisted and disturbing it was.

My path towards freedom from religion really came after high school. I went away for my freshman year and again was miserable (just like my first freshman year). I’d never been away from home, and I missed my family. I dutifully attended church weekly, and occasionally went to Christian groups on campus. Being exposed to other people, with other beliefs, began to open my mind. I still believed my way was the right way, but I think this is when I began to question it. After one year of homesickness, I moved back and transferred to the university in my hometown.

Towards the end of college, a “questioning” friend of mine (whom I met through my best friend from high school), was exploring Judaism. I went to synagogue with her and was intrigued. This led me on a journey of taking classes for conversion. I could see that Christianity had made a desperate attempt to twist Hebrew prophecies of the messiah so that Jesus would “fit” them, but they did a piss poor job of it. It was obvious. I met my boyfriend (now husband) shortly after college. He went away to go back to school; I found a job and followed him. This kept me from completing my conversion, which I now realize is a good thing. I would’ve been apostate from two faiths! LOL!

Over the years, as I read and sought knowledge, I came to the inevitable and unmistakable conclusion that there probably is no god or gods. If there is, he/she/they/it does not want to be known. He/she certainly isn’t all powerful, and DEFINITELY not good or loving. I realized that the entire bible is full of contradictions that cannot be reconciled. How can this be the work of god? It obviously isn’t the inerrant thing I was taught it was. More, the god of the bible is downright EVIL. He condones rape, child sacrifice, pillaging, conquering, slavery, treating women as animals and as vulgar, unclean, overly emotional, unthinking, vain, inferior possessions. It’s despicable. I not only don’t understand how people believe it, but I don’t understand WHY anyone would want to. I’m not as familiar with other religions as Christianity and, to a lesser extent, Judaism. Yet the knowledge available to us says there is no god of any kind.

I have been chronically ill since I was 20, and it has reached a point that I’m not working because my health doesn’t permit it. I could not go to graduate and law school as planned. Illness quite literally destroyed my life and dreams, and left me with little to live for.

I frequently am told that people are praying for me, but I wish their prayers would do some good. I know they won’t. These well-meaning people tell me that if I’d just believe, then I could be healed. But plenty of people believe and AREN’T healed, and they just say that it “must be God’s will.” Sick god, if you ask me.

There are actually days that I consider going back to church. I sometimes long for the comfort of believing that, shitty as this life is, there will be something better after it. I know now that there isn’t, and I find that very difficult. I cannot bear the thought of not being with my loved ones for eternity. The thought that we probably cease to exist after this life is horrific, because I love my family tremendously. Despite the religiosity, I had a happy childhood. I had everything I needed, and knew I was loved.

I am trying now to accept that there is nothing else, and that is hard, particularly because my dreams have been crushed in THIS life – the only one I have. Yet, painful as it is, I don’t want to go back to false hope and false belief.

The Inscrutable Jehovah « de-conversion.

There’s a post by Phil Stilwell on the d-C blog that lists some of the contradictions that can be found in the Bible. Leopardus seems to have followed his lead with his own lists, beginning with this one.

Personally, I take issue with Stilwell’s complete dismissal of theism at the start of his post, but I suppose it comes from his experience of theism. I believe in God but am also aware that I cannot fully understand him nor hope to describe him. The idea is that God, if he/she/they/it is God, would be too big for any of us on earth to have any real clue about him/her/them/it. Therefore, I can’t accept a religion that claims otherwise. That’s why I became frustrated with conservative Christianity. Aside from claiming to have the gospel truth on God, they base it on a book that has flaws I cannot ignore but they wave aside with the doctrine of inerrancy.

Stillwell touches on that here with the answer that I have also come to expect from the conservative Christians (in italics):

Are there bible contradictions here? No. The bible is inerrant. If it appears to be contradictory, it is simply further evidence of our inability to grasp the mysteries of god.

So, it’s a mystery of God that the very words upon which his followers are to base their way of life don’t add up? I personally say it’s a mystery of what each Biblical writer wanted to say at the time–and that it wasn’t always what God really wanted to say.

If, that is, he had anything to say at all. That’s what’s kind of fun about agnostic theism. You can imagine all kinds of different gods knowing full well that none of them will ever come close to the real deal–if the real deal is there.

So I’m getting divorced.  (You probably remember that.)

It isn’t going well.

My husband hired a big shot attorney after getting served (I filed the lawsuit, self-represented).  I guess he was scared.  But now he is also broke.

Here’s a fuckin news flash: Two broke people getting divorced do not need attorneys.  That should go without saying, right?  Well, now I have one.  And we are all meeting in a few hours to see how much zero divided by two is.

I should be nervous but I’m not really.  My friend says I’m in denial.  But I’ve been nervous for like a week, and then last night I popped a few pills and passed out, and woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic.  Plus, I decided right off that this wasn’t my divorce meeting, I was just going to support a friend.  So if I need it, we’ll see how that attempt to psych myself out works.

In other news, I’ve got a lot on my plate regarding my atheist group.  I’ve got to put together a Recovering From Religion support group, decide on a place for a coffee meetup, and plan a LAN party for Left 4 Dead 2.  If you’re wondering what coffee and video games have to do with atheism… we’ll, we’re mostly a social group.  I’m trying to start having a few more regular events on the topic of atheism, or science, or that sort of thing, but I haven’t exactly had predictable levels of energy and motivation these days.  Having your life turn upside-down will sort of do that to you.  But things will be smoothing out soon enough.  The support group is a really big need, since a lot of people in the group (like myself) suddenly found themselves without the faith they grew up with.  When that happens, you lose your philosophy of life, your social group, and often your friends and family.  Some of us have lost everything, and that wound does scab over, but its rough going.  Hence the support group.

But now… I shower.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but I’ve made a couple new additions to the blogroll and have a number of links that have been tucked away in the Study for a while that I’ve wanted to share. So enjoy!

New Addition:

- Lutheran Writer: This blog was started by Pr. Edward Engelbrecht at Concordia Publishing House to feature and encourage Lutheran writers. The site describes itself as “Edward A. Engelbrecht and guests share their insights on the Bible, life, theology, history, and whatever else may interest Lutheran writers. Edward welcomes both published and unpublished writers who want others to learn about their talents and interests. The texts are unedited; the site is for learning and experimenting.” The posts are generally pretty brief, but there’s some interesting insights especially since Engelbrecht has been serving as the General Editor of The Lutheran Study Bible.

Interesting Articles from the Files:

- Parenting Posts – Having served youth for much of his ministry, Michael Spencer over at Internet Monk offers some thoughts worth chewing on in the area of parenting in his articles Thoughts and Question for Parents on Father’s Day (6/20/09) and Seven Observations for Parents (12/2/08). So what do you think?

- I Trust When Dark My Road: A Lutheran View of Depression (6/19/09) – Pr. William Cwirla writes a review of a new booklet available for FREE by Pr. Todd Peperkorn who “charts his journey in first person through the ‘dark road’ of depression.” You can download it or order a hard copy for free here. You can visit Pr. Peperkorn’s blog of his journey here.

- Faith and Doubt – Pr. Cwirla responds to the “de-conversion” of the author of BeAttitude from the Christian faith.

- Think You Don’t Like Ceremony? Think Again! (5/20/09) – Pr. Johnold Strey writes a thought-provoking article about the role of ceremony in worship and its detractors (while those same detractors have no problem going through the “ceremony” of a college or professional football game.)

- Church Copycats (5/13/09) – Joshua Cody at Church Marketing Sucks writes about how many in the Christian church try to “redeem our culture”. Martin Springs at WELSTech writes a similar post entitled Digital Life Is Messy (11/26/08).

- Humor in Preaching Posts – Rev. Rick Stuckwisch & Pr. Cwirla offer some interesting posts on the role of humor in preaching – Preaching Is Not an After Dinner Routine (4/22/09) and Humor in Preaching (4/23/09). The latest edition of Preach the Word from the WELS Commission on Worship also focused on The Use of Humor in the Pulpit. So what do you think?

- Preserving Lutheranism Is Not the Point – (4/3/09) – Rev. Stuckwisch briefly reminds us of the point of Lutheranism–not to preserve itself, but to preserve and proclaim the pure teaching of the Gospel.

- Reducing the Data (3/27/09) – Pr. Strey writes about the need for the Church to remain on guard lest we fall into false teaching by “reducting the data” of Scripture on any point of doctrine.

- It’s About Substance (11/19/08) – Pr. Strey stresses the importance of solid doctrine not only in our preaching and teaching, but in the songs we sing in worship.

- Thinking about Churches (11/12/08) – Though this is geared towards church marketing, it really makes you ponder that question, “How much does the average person actually think about church?”

- Reading in the Gaps (8/19/08) – Some interesting insights into narrative preaching by Pr. Cwirla.

I’d do it, but my folks never bothered baptizing me in the first place. Thanks parents.

Anyway, the article is more interesting than I am.

The certificate has been available through the National Secular Society for some years but only recently has interest in it gotten newsworthy.

in recent months, as tens of thousands began to download the certificate, organizers realized that they had struck a chord with atheists and once-devout church members who are leaving churches they see as increasingly out-of-tune with modern life. “Churches have become so reactionary, so politically active that people actually want to make a protest against them now,” Sanderson says. “They’re not just indifferent anymore. They’re actively hostile.”

I’ll break in here to mention that I don’t condone the hostility. It’s outrageous the lengths to which some people and groups will go to be rude and insulting to people who continue to take comfort in a faith they think guides their lives and wellbeing. However, some protests are valid, at least in terms of public expression of beliefs, and those who don’t want to see governments co-opting a holy book to justify their own agendas should speak out against it.

The campaign has become so popular — with nearly 1,000 certificates downloaded each week — that the NSS has started taking orders for certificates printed on parchment, at $4.50 each; they’ve sold nearly 2,000 in just three weeks.

It’s not just in Britain, either – groups in Italy and Argentina have also been promoting a non-religous lifestyle, and more countries and victims of other faiths that left them faithless are asking for their own style of certificates declaring the denial of those ideologies.

I think that’s pretty awesome.

[This post has been sitting in my files for a while. Finally pulled it out and "finished" it. Writing never really seems finished, does it?]

Noting that my journey out of Christianity is different from most (in fact, unique in my experience so far*), I took some time to try to recall the steps I took over the years. I list them here in no particular order (though they are roughly chronological). *For any who don’t know, my path was, very briefly: “saved” at 19; evy/fundy for many years; converted to Eastern Orthodoxy for about 3 years; left the faith entirely.

- I sought to base my morality, politics, and behaviors in more than just, “the Bible or my church says so”.  After all, if something is right, it ought to be right for everyone, Bible or no Bible. I mean isn’t that what’s really meant by, “the absolute truth of God”?

Funny thing is that I did this right from the beginning of my Christian life. So maybe I was just doomed from the outset eh?

- I got sick of the shallowness.  Those damn praise choruses [“Jesus I luuuuv yew. Jesus I neeeeed yew. Jesus I luuuuv yew. Yes I doooo.”] are just drivel. So is the “Jesus, my buddy” flatulence. There’s just gotta be more to a faith than lousy songs and Forest Gump level theology.  This garbage was/is growing by leaps and bounds throughout Protestant churches, and was even making headway in some Catholic parishes.

- I got it through my head that young-earth creationism was WRONG. I.e. that evolution did happen, that the fossils were really old, that the flood of Noah was not global, that dinosaurs and humans never lived together, that the speed of light is in fact a constant, and so on. (I can’t tell you how humiliating it is to admit that I was idiotic enough to ever believe that crap.)

- I finally got a clear view of how utterly evil (dare I say, “utterly depraved”) Calvinism is and how prevalent it had gotten in the evy/fundy wing of the faith.

- I started to study church history in earnest. This is as opposed to reading Protestant (and ONLY Protestant) writers, teachers, pastors, etc for church history.

It is still astounding to me how utterly ignorant Protestants (and even a lot of Catholics) are of church history. And I’m not talking about pew potatoes here. I mean seminary professors. Try asking one to describe the origins of the Coptic church, or the history of the Filioque clause, or the development of monasticism and the effects of the East/West dichotomy thereupon, or for that matter just ask them what happened between 300-1500 AD. A palm-sized notepad and stubby pencil will be quite sufficient to write down everything they get right.

- Somewhat later -after some time in the EOC- I realized how WRONG monasticism is.  It is in direct opposition to what Jesus commanded believers to do.

- I finally realized that everyone was just making up their ideas about God – their moral stances, their doctrine, etc. – as they went along. There weren’t really any “God-ordained” absolutes.

- I finally realized that no one was doing what the Bible said they were supposed to be doing in any consistent way.

- I finally realized that God never showed up or responded in any way. That if you want to believe in God, you have to imagine that he is responding to your prayers, and you have to come up with elaborate, contradictory, double-think to explain when and why he does or doesn’t respond. That if you want to believe God is active in the world, and you want to “see” evidence of it, you have to play a game I call “Where’s Goddo?”  [Derived from the game “Where’s Waldo?”, in which you try to find a cartoon character named Waldo somewhere in a large, very busy drawing.]

- I finally realized/acknowledged that the lack of distinctiveness between Christians and non-Christians in terms of lifestyle, behavior, priorities, where their money goes, morality, etc. was a powerful indicator that there was no supernatural Holy Spirit operating in them. I found that this applied not just to pew potatoes but to nearly everyone. Including the great and holy examples that were held up for us. E.g., superevangelists, missionaries, monks, bishops, “prayer warriors”.

- I started to see the contradictions in the Bible for what they really are: contradictions.

- I found out that non-Christians ARE able to lead happy, decent, productive lives, and to love their kids, and be good neighbors, and to behave like good folk.

- I started piecing together a lot of bits and pieces of how Christianity was pieced together from bits and pieces of other religions (e.g.,  the ancient Greek and Egyptian myths).

- I definitely confirmed that the Orthodox, like the Catholics, were indeed worshipping Mary and had elevated her to “honorary fourth member of the Trinity”.

[Try saying this to an Orthodox or Catholic and you’ll get a quick denial. It’s a lot like the auto-responses you get for pointing out bible contradictions to most evangelicals.]

- LeoPardus