Because we all have a unique perspective on life negotiation and, by extension, compromise are crucial parts of all of our relationships with other people; see my previous article on Perspective which also describes the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model developed by Thomas A Harris which is referenced in this article. In my view, the key to successful negotiation is a clear, Adult (reality based) perception of the circumstances and of each person’s drivers, motivations and/or needs. This is as opposed to perceptions dominated by our Parent and/or Child (distorted reality or pure fantasy).

This doesn’t mean that we should ignore our Parent and/or Child; far from it. Our Adult cannot function effectively without input from both. In his book ‘Six Thinking Hats’ Edward de Bono (http://www.edwarddebono.com) describes a method of discussion that allows expression of all of the components of the PAC model…the Parent (Black Hat), the Adult (White, Yellow, Green and Blue Hats) and the Child (Red Hat). Read more about the ‘Six Thinking Hats’ at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Thinking_Hats.

In another of his books, ‘How to Have a Beautiful Mind’, Edward espouses letting go of the need to be right; something I agree with wholeheartedly. He says:

“THE NEED TO BE RIGHT

This is very much tied up with the ego. An argument is a battle between egos. When you agree you seem to be submitting to the other point of view – so you lose. When you disagree you are asserting your ego and indicating that you may be superior. All this is reinforced by the emphasis on argument and debate in school and also in society, whether in government, the law courts or the media. In government, for instance, an opposition party will often seek to disagree with those in power, whatever the circumstances. Most people are now coming to see this as extremely silly.

If you insist on always winning an argument you end up with nothing more than you started with – except showing off your arguing ability. When you lose an argument you may well have gained a new point of view. Being right all the time is not the most important thing in the world and it is certainly not very beautiful.

A discussion should be a genuine attempt to explore a subject rather than a battle between competing egos.”

In my experience, the outcome of negotiation can be:

1. I/We Win – You Lose (Child and/or Parent)
2. I/We Lose – You Win (Parent)
3. I/We Lose – You Lose (Child and/or Parent)
4. I/We Win – You Win (Adult with Parent and/or Child input)

My view on these outcomes is as follows:

1. Driven either by our Child or our Parent. When this outcome is driven by the Child it is evidenced by a desire to control through domination. This has resulted in phrases such as ‘big swinging dicks’, ‘slaughtering the other side’, ‘chewing them up and spitting them out’ etc. When driven by the Parent it is evidenced by a desire for external approval and influenced by such sage advice as “second is nowhere”, “the winner takes it all”, “winning is everything” etc.
2. Driven by the Parent and evidenced by a desire to please. It is influenced by such sage advice as “the meek shall inherit the earth”, “always give of yourself”’, “turn the other cheek, “sacrifice is next to godliness” etc.
3. Driven by either the Child or the Parent. When driven by the Child it is evidenced by a “if I’m/We’re suffering then you’re going to suffer with me/us” approach when losing and the consequent efforts to sabotage negotiations even at the risk of further detriment or harm to themself/selves – the classic ‘cutting off of the nose to spite the face’. When driven by the Parent the influencing sage advice is “if you’re going down, take as many of them down with you as you can” as opposed to surrendering or otherwise gracefully accepting defeat…in many cases to fight another day.
4. This is the outcome I believe all negotiations should aspire to. It is driven by the Adult or Parent. When driven by the Adult it is based on a rational consideration of the, often irrational, input from our Parent and/or Child plus the prevailing external circumstances and a balanced consideration of what may happen in the future. Some of our greatest modern thinkers, such as Edward, have proposed extremely effective ways of negotiating that are very different from the traditional ‘You’re Wrong – I’m/We’re right’ approach. They favour a more objective, analytical approach such as the ‘parallel thinking’ method designed by Edward in 1985. As per the quote from Edward above, letting go of the need to be right is crucial in achieving Win-Win in negotiation. With reference to the book ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’ by Thomas (more information can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_OK,_You’re_OK) I believe that this need to be right is a consequence of not being in the “I’m OK – You’re OK” state. This means we remain in the “I’m Not OK – You’re OK” state that we are in at birth and during the first few years of our lives or move to either one of “I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK” or “I’m OK – You’re Not OK” states. Ideally we should all move to the “I’m OK – You’re OK” state at some point during our lives and, consequently, be able to let go of the need to be right. Unfortunately not all of us complete the move to the “I’m OK – You’re OK” state – witness crusty old folk having a good old moan about how things are a lot worse than the old days! When driven by the Parent the influencing sage advice is “always play fair”; on the face of it this would appear to be the same as when driven by the Adult. However if driven only by the Parent fair play will be observed even when others are playing unfairly potentially leading to an underserved loss. The Adult will take the unfair play in to account and consequently engineer a fair Win-Win outcome.

In another of his books, ‘How to Have a Beautiful Mind’, Edward gives an example of ‘parallel thinking’ saying:

“CO-OPERATIVE EXPLORATION

Imagine there are four people standing around a square building. Each person is facing a different side. Each person insists that what he or she sees is the proper view of the building. They argue via walkie-talkies.

In parallel thinking each person would walk round to one side of the building. They would now each describe what they saw. Then they would all walk around to another side of the building and again describe what they saw. The same procedure for the third side, and then the fourth side.

So, all parties look at the matter from the same point of view and describe what they see. In the end there has been a full exploration of the building (the matter being discussed).

For the method of work (Note from Yernasia: I think that this was meant to read “For the method to work”), it is essential that at any moment everyone is looking ‘in parallel’ in the same direction.”

In yet another of his books, ‘Textbook of Wisdom’, he says:

“Parallel thinking is the opposite of traditional adversarial thinking, where each statement has to be judged before being accepted. In adversarial thinking, the ‘contradiction’ is a very important and powerful tool. Both sides of a contradiction cannot be right. One or other must go. Parallel thinking allows both sides of the contradiction to be laid down in parallel without interfering with each other. Later on, in the design phase, things can be sorted out.

Parallel thinking removes at once the urge to instant judgement. You do not have to accept something as ‘right’ because you have not rejected it as ‘wrong’. You simply accept it ‘in parallel’. Sometimes you can accept it as ‘possibly’ but even when you cannot accept something as ‘possible’ you still accept it in parallel.

Husbands usually complain that wives take far too many clothes on holiday. Husbands say that wives should decide in advance exactly what is going to be needed and to reject what is not going to be needed. Husbands complain that wives take six outfits with them so they can have the ‘luxury’ of choice at the holiday destination. Parallel thinking is what the wives are doing. They take everything along and then make the choice only when it has to be made. The husbands’ thinking is more like the traditional Gang of Three (Note from Yernasia: see below for an Explanation of the Gang of Three from Edward’s website) thinking: accept or reject at this point before packing it.”

Explanation of the Gang of Three

Sourced from http://www.debonogroup.com/parallel_thinking.php

“Argument and Critical Thinking

To this day, Western culture depends on this type of thinking. In family arguments, in business discussions, in the law courts, and in governing assemblies, we use the thinking system of the Greeks, based on argument and critical thinking.

I sometimes refer to prominent philosophers of this day as the “gang of three.” Who were the famous Greek gang of three, and how did they form the thinking habits of Western culture?

The Gang of Three Socrates (469-399 B.C.)
Socrates was trained as a “sophist.” Sophists were people who played with words and showed how careful choice of words could lead you to almost any conclusion you wanted. Socrates was interested in challenging people’s thinking and, indeed, getting them to think at all instead of just taking things for granted. He wanted people to examine what they meant when they said something. He was not concerned with building things up or making things happen.

From Socrates we get the great emphasis on argument and critical thinking. Socrates chose to make argument the main thinking tool. Within argument, there was to be critical thinking: Why do you say that? What do you mean by that?

Plato (c. 427-348 B.C.)
Plato is generally held to be the father of Western philosophy. He is best-known for his famous analogy of the cave. Suppose someone is bound up so that the person cannot turn around but can only look at the back wall of the cave. There is a fire at the mouth of the cave. If someone comes into the cave, then the bound person cannot see the newcomer directly but can only see the shadow cast by the fire on the back wall of the cave. So as we go through life, we cannot see truth and reality but only “shadows” of these. If we try hard enough and listen to philosophers, then perhaps we can get a glimpse of the truth. From Plato we get the notion that there is the “truth” somewhere but that we have to search for it to find it. The way to search for the truth is to use critical thinking to attack what is untrue.

Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Aristotle was the pupil of Plato and the tutor of Alexander the Great. Aristotle was a very practical person. He developed the notion of “categories,” which are really definitions. So you might have a definition of a “chair” or a “table.” When you come across a piece of furniture, you have to judge whether that piece of furniture fits the definition of a chair. If it does fit, you say it is a chair. The object cannot both be a chair and not be a chair at the same time. That would be a “contradiction.” On the basis of his categories and the avoidance of contradiction, Aristotle developed the sort of logic we still use today (based largely on “is” and “is not”). From Aristotle we get a type of logic based on identity and non-identity, on inclusion and exclusion.”

…and in summary Edward says:

“Parallel thinking is the opposite of traditional adversarial thinking. Instead of judgement, both sides are laid down in parallel and then a way forward is designed.”

Put simply, I think he is saying that we should listen to and understand others points of view and be prepared to explain clearly and quietly our points of view. This, I believe, is the basis of effective negotiation.

Stay strong and serene.

Based on a talk given by Elder Richard G. Scott at the October, 2009 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Click on Mormonmom to see my other Teachings for our Times (TFOT) lessons.

Opening Hymn: Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah

Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk on Acquiring Spiritual Guidance, was inspiring, uplifting and filled with instructions that each of us can apply in our daily lives.  Earlier this year, the General Relief Society Presidency directed each of us to seek our own personal revelation as we strengthen our ward and stake Relief Societies, I felt this was timely information coming now from Elder Scott.

One of the key doctrines that drew me into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is that of personal inspiration/revelation.  We have the Spirit as our guide for ANY concern we have in this life.  That is a great comfort, but, like many of the blessings given to us from our Heavenly Father, it must be honed, practiced, and used regularly.

Joseph Smith said, “Follow the influence of that Spirit, and it will lead you into all truth, until by and by, it will BECOME in you a principle of revelation.”  In other words, second nature to you.  Elder Scott testifies that this is the true source of peace and happiness.

Learning how to be led by the Spirit takes a strengthening of faith in our Father and in Jesus Christ.  It is not a casual expectation, but a purposeful period of growth. Let me take a minute to talk about “The Spirit”. As far as I’ve been able to learn there are three ways to understand the term ‘The Spirit”:

1. The Light of Christ
Everyone is given the light of Christ as a Child of God.

2. The Holy Ghost
Many religions reference the Holy Ghost.

3. The Gift of the Holy Ghost
Reserved for those who receive the ordinance of baptism by those having authority to confer the gift. This gift isn’t enjoyed in its fullness until fire and the Holy Ghost baptize the recipient.

Back to Elder Scott’s talk. After noting that in times past if one sought guidance they would turn to mentors or advisors, the information overload that is a characteristic of our time, means turning to others for advice can be a very risky proposition. As a digital marketing executive, I often use the analogy ‘it’s like drinking from a firehose’ to describe this phenomenon. Think about it – so much information, but none of it is filtered or curated. Who do we trust?

Rather than bemoaning the plight of the times we live in, we should welcome the excuse to turn our eyes upward for inspiration. Elder Scott seems to be saying that humans as trust agents will always be inadequate and that we will be better served by seeking to commune with the Lord directly through appealing to the Holy Ghost.

Think about this for a minute – our Father has created a condition where we, of necessity, are more dependent upon the Spirit to guide us through the vicissitudes of life. Therefore, we are led to seek personal inspiration in life’s important decisions.I loved this thought! Personally, it has been a year of uphill trials. I do not know where I would be without specific guidance that I have received through the relationship I have personally developed with my Heavenly Father that allows me the blessing of personal answers and spiritual guidance.

Discussion:

• What can you do to enhance your capacity to be led to correct decisions in your life?
• What are the principles upon which spiritual communication depends?
• What are the potential barriers to such communication that you need to avoid?

Elder Scott admits that learning to consistently recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit, distinguish them from one’s own impulses and desires, and act courageously to fulfill them are accomplishments that we would be lucky to achieve in a lifetime. However, Elder Scott clearly believes that developing these skills is necessary. And perhaps most importantly, in these times of information overload, his recommendation  sounds achievable through the examples he offers us.

He notes the Prophet Joseph Smith’s instruction to John Taylor to begin each day with prayer – being grateful for another day our Father has granted us.

President John Taylor wrote: “Joseph Smith, upwards of forty years ago, said to me: ‘Brother Taylor, you have received the Holy Ghost. Now follow the influence of that Spirit, and it will lead you into all truth, until by and by, it will become in you a principle of revelation.’ Then he told me never to arise in the morning without bowing before the Lord, and dedicating myself to him during that day.”

Which is, in these hectic latter days, counsel that many of us can overlook in the daily haste to satisfy the necessities of temporal life. For example, if I’m woken up by my 3 y.o. doing the potty dance, after I escort her to do her necessary business, she’s hungry, so I start breakfast. Then, like mothers (and fathers) around the world every morning, we are joined by 2 more sleepy towheaded children and somewhere in the blur of showering, breakfast being eaten, teeth being brushed, hair being combed, clothes being put on, lunches being prepared, and busses arriving – it is all to easy to forget that morning prayer of thanksgiving. What I’ve learned to do is have the scriptures in the kitchen, so that a verse or two can be read during the “Waltz of Chaos” in the morning to ensure we all have the right start to the day.

Elder Scott uses two lessons as examples to illustrate his message. In the first, a humble Priesthood leader taught a lesson from his heart. The content of the lesson was less memorable than the impression the leader gave that promote spiritual guidance:  humility, intense desire to communicate truths, pure love of the Savior, as well as those who are taught, sincerity, pure intent, love, and spiritual strength. The spirit was present and powerful as this man struggled to express himself within the church.

In the second example, Elder Scott attended a Sunday School class where the teacher was using the fruits of his education and study to share insights into the lesson, less from a desire to inspire his pupils and more from what Elder Scott interpreted as pride — of a desire to impress his fellow congregants with his knowledge.

By keeping his lesson simple and focusing on his testimony of his ministry, the priesthood leader impressed Elder Scott with his sincerity and emotional depth. By contrast, the intellectual approach of the Sunday School teacher left Elder Scott irritated and bored. I was intrigued by the difference here between the emotional and the intellectual – this contrast exists in our brains (right-vs-left), between our ‘brains’ and our ‘souls’ between men and women. It plays out every week at church, every month of our life.

There isn’t any particular resolution to it – it’s just the way we are. As a teacher, I am always striving to embrace the humbleness of the Priesthood Leader’s approach. I try to be both emotionally fulfilling and intellectually enlightening in my approach. But I’m also cognizant of the fact that many of you have forgotten more about the gospel, church doctrine, lessons of our Presidents, General Conference talks and the like than I will EVER KNOW, even if I focused my studies on these topics for the rest of my life. So I try to infuse my lessons with whatever material I can bring from my experience and knowledgebase to further enlighten each of you (and me) and bring relevance to my ability to teach for our times.

And yet, the more important message here from Elder Scott seems to be that either course can invite the Spirit.

In the case of both lessons, Elder Scott felt the promptings of the Spirit. He stopped paying attention to his immediate surroundings and started listening to and interacting with the voice of God. Whether interested or biding his time, Elder Scott felt the Spirit in both examples and chose to listen to it instead – to be taught by the Holy Ghost – instead of from the content of the lesson being provided to him.

The manner in which Elder Scott recorded his personal inspiration is interesting, perhaps mostly because it follows the pattern that Joseph Smith seemed to follow with his revelations. Once written, the revelation was examined to see if it conformed to the mind and will of God and changes could be made. It speaks to the imperfection of human intermediaries and the humility needed to keep at revelation until one is certain they have gotten it right.

And, much like Joseph Smith, Elder Scott teaches that:

A person may profit by noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon; (i.e.) those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God, will come to pass; and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it, you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in Christ Jesus [TPJS, p. 151]

Paying attention to the first promptings is valuable not for the promptings, but because it indicates an openness to the process of revelation. Just as it is important for the teacher to be prepared spiritually to guide, the students to be open spiritually in order to receive guidance.  He gives us ten things we should do as listeners:

1. Attend class prepared, with a readiness to learn
2. Be aware of impressions that may come
3. Write them down as soon as possible
4. Ponder what you have written
5. Study the meaning
6. Pray to the Lord, and review what was taught, and what was learned
7. Wait for a feeling of peace and confirmation
8. Thank Heavenly Father for the guidance
9. Ask: “Is there more to learn?” You probably will have additional impressions, but it takes courage to ask.
10. Repeat the process from beginning to end as many times as is necessary.  Elder Scott says, “Had I not responded to the first impressions and recorded them, I would not have received the last, most precious guidance.”

Here is an important warning.  “Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication.” We have all been sidetracked by the destroyer.  “The Lord will not force you to learn.  You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you.”

As church members we’re taught that acquiring the gift of the Holy Ghost is the most important thing we can do. Everything else is subservient.

Elder Scott encourages us to practice, have patience, and be aware.  Inspiration comes to us in different ways.  By following the above ten steps, realize the unique way Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit communicate with you.

Elder Scott then launches into a critique of pornography, highlighting in particular the potentially corrosive effects of pornography on family relations. Perhaps more importantly, he discuss its effect on the soul. He notes that the adversary is at pains to induce “individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded.”

The notion is that Satan achieves his goal if “he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.” The presence or absence of revelation in the life of the individual is presented, in this talk, as the surest means of judging one’s current standing with the Lord.

Returning to those two lessons, the point appears to be that whether or not you are someone who prefers the intellectual or the emotional, putting yourself in the right place at the right time indicates a willingness to receive revelation. The ongoing debate regarding the superiority of one or the other approach to faith, to scripture or to life is shown to be entirely beside the point. Whether you are interested or bored by the lessons offered, your involvement in the process seems to be considered sufficient sacrifice for God to honor it with those first intimations of revelation, if such is appropriate.

What you do with that appears to be far more important than learning the signs of the times or historical facts. Not that either of those is bad, but they seem to be goals secondary to our involvement in the church.

Finally, it is worth noting that, for those ensnared in pornography or other damaging, compulsive behaviors, Elder Scott’s first advice is to re-establish communication with God. I believe this concept of exercising our agency to authorize the Spirit to take part in our lives is a huge part of prayer. God won’t interfere in our lives without our consent, he is that mindful of our agency. We must pray and ask for his influence and hand in our life.

Elder Scott counsels us: The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Remember the Jalapeno & grape analogy — be more aware of what you surround yourself with and how any negative emotions can block out the positive and good all around you.

Without the Holy Ghost we cannot receive the necessary experiences to have a relationship with Christ. We can study the scriptures, listen to the words of the living prophets, and thereby intellectually learn of Christ, but we won’t be able to experience Christ until we qualify for the Holy Ghost.  The challenge we have as followers of Christ is to diligently seek for the Holy Ghost. It’s not easy to acquire and maintain this gift, but the Lord is merciful to those who work at it.

Intellectual conversion to Christ is fragile, Spiritual conversion to Christ will ground and root us. And offer us the foundation for personal revelation, which is, the most important lesson of all.

Discussion

(Time permitting — we ran out of time due to the discussion questions raised earlier in the lesson. If we had the time, I would have divided the class into thirds, selected a spokesperson for each group and handed them a quote and question for them to discuss and present back to the Relief Society):

1. However, it is my judgment that there are many members of this Church who have been baptized for the remission of their sins, who have had hands laid upon their heads for the gift of the Holy Ghost, who have never received that gift, that is, the manifestations of it. Why? Because they have never put themselves in order to receive these manifestations. They have never humbled themselves. They have never taken the steps that would prepare them for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Therefore they go through life without that knowledge, and they have not the understanding. Joseph Fielding Smith, Conference Report, October 1958, p.21 – p.22

Question: “How do we draw a balance between spiritual self-reliance and relying on the Spirit?”

2. D&C Section 84: 45-46 says: For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spir, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ.
And the Spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world; and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world, that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit.

Questions: What the difference is between being “guided by the Holy Ghost” (for those who have been told to “receive the Holy Ghost” by the laying on of hands) and being “guided by the Light of Christ”?

How can one discern whether an answer has come through the Light of Christ or the Holy Ghost?  What difference does it make?

3. “I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore, treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear. ” D&C 38:30

Questions: What does it mean to be self-reliant in spiritual things?

Why is it important to be spiritually self-reliant?

In closing, God very much wants to help us but we must show our sincerity by being faithful to the knowledge he gives us. His plan is amazing. It helps us navigate the temporal reality but it also builds our soul for eternity. I never want to lose my sense of awe over the workings of God in my life and in the world at large.

I leave this lesson with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Our choices are dramatically influenced by the chemicals circulating through our bodies – so how much free choice do we really have? Is free will just an illusion?  - Ilene

Can Dopamine Make Your Future Look Brighter?

By John Cloud, courtesy of TIME

Humans have expended a great deal of intellectual energy over the past few thousand years trying to understand the morality (or amorality) of seeking pleasure. Most of philosophy begins with the question of what defines the (or a) good life. But what if the answer to what makes us happy comes down to how much of a particular chemical is circulating in our brain at any particular moment?

(As with risk taking, romantic love, religousness…. – Ilene)

The neurotransmitter dopamine isn’t quite that powerful, but evidence has been mounting for the past 40 years that its activity is key to helping the brain recognize experiences that cause pleasure. The more dopamine a certain event (having sex or eating ice cream, say) triggers, the more strongly that event gets hard-wired in the brain, and the more intensely your brain drives you to revisit it.

That knowledge also helps the brain figure out how much pleasure it can expect from future experiences and, therefore, influences virtually any decision you make about what you might like or not like: whether you should buy the red shirt or black one, whether you’ll enjoy watching Top Chef over Mad Men, whether you should leave your job or whether you should move in with your boyfriend.

Now a new paper in the journal Current Biology shows for the first time that by tinkering with levels of dopamine in the brain, researchers were be able to influence people’s future decisions in a reliable, predictable way. Led by Tali Sharot and Tamara Shiner of the the Wellcome Trust Center for Neuroimaging at University College London, scientists presented 61 healthy volunteers with 80 different vacation locations, such as Brazil, Thailand and Greece, and asked the volunteers to rate how happy they thought they would be visiting each place. Later, 29 of the participants were given 100 mg of levodopa (or L-DOPA), a drug that increases dopamine in the brain; the other 32 were unwittingly given a sugar pill. Forty minutes later, each participant was given a questionnaire about their emotional state, then a list containing half of the previously rated destinations. They were asked to imagine themselves vacationing in each of the far-flung locations.

The next day (once the L-DOPA had cleared from the body), all the participants were brought back and presented with 40 pairs of vacation spots, each pair containing locations to which they had given equal ratings in the first part of the experiment. Participants were asked to pick which of each pair of places they would prefer to visit. It turned out that those who had imagined themselves vacationing the previous day under the influence of dopamine were significantly more likely to predict they’d be happier in those same spots. That same preference didn’t occur in the placebo group.

The findings suggest that when dopamine is present during an imagined event — that is, even when you’re not actually experiencing it in person — it still influences how much pleasure the brain will expect from it in the future. Researchers think the extra shot of dopamine may aid learning — that is, it boosts your brain’s learned association between pleasure and whatever experience you’re thinking about at the time. Or perhaps, the authors speculate, the extra dopamine makes us simply want something more while we’re imagining it. In other words, it would be useful to have a bit of L-DOPA handy now, while you’re preparing for your future visit to the in-laws’ over the holidays.

The interesting thing was that the presence of dopamine didn’t make participants feel any happier at the time they took it. According to the questionnaires that the volunteers filled out, there was no difference in the current emotional state of people who got the sugar pill versus those who got L-DOPA, while they were imagining their vacations. But the drug did change people’s predictions about their future emotional state.

It’s possible, then, that the more dopamine that is active in your brain, the more likely you are to view the future as rosy, which raises at least two questions: how do I get more dopamine, and is there such a thing as too much?

The answer to the latter question is, yes. Although dopamine may be crucial to making decisions about future pleasure, too much of it might distort those decisions. A surplus of dopamine is at the root of addiction, for instance: Cocaine, for one, works in part by preventing brain cells from reabsorbing dopamine that the brain has released in connection with pleasurable sensations. And once the brain has learned to like cocaine, it causes all kinds of self-destructive behavior to satisfy its cravings.

Too little dopamine, meantime, can lead to movement disorders like Parkinson’s disease. An excess is thought to be a cause of schizophrenia. The research suggests that most of us should not try to manipulate our dopamine levels with drugs. On a therapeutic level, however, interfering with the chemical could lead to new treatments for conditions as varied as drug addiction and mental disease.

See also:  Why dopamine makes you take risks, TIME.

And: The Chemistry of Depression, About.com

A third substance that may play a role in mood is dopamine. Dopamine is associated with the reward, or reinforcement, that we get which causes us to continue participating in an activity. It has been implicated in such conditions as Parkinson’s Disease and schizophrenia. There is also some evidence that, at least for a subset of patients, dopamine plays a role in depression.6 Dopaminergic substances and stimulants have been used as antidepressants when other measures have failed.7 Some studies have investigated dopaminergic agents as a rapid method of relieving depression (in contrast to medications which may take up to six weeks to exhibit their full effect).8

Although agents that work selectively on dopamine have the benefit of fast action, they have also exhibited some properties which have kept them from being as widely used as other antidepressants. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is associated with addiction and it’s production is stimulated by drugs such as cocaine, opiates and alcohol (which may explain why depressed persons choose to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.9) Drug specifically targeted at dopamine, for example amineptine (Survector), present the potential for abuse.10 For this reason, amineptine is not approved for use in the US or Britain at this time.

I’m frustrated. Let me tell you part of what’s making me frustrated:

I haven’t heard from my father since July. Last time I saw him was my high school graduation, and that’s also the last time my sister had any contact with him. We didn’t hear from him this whole holiday week. It seems to me that the role of parent is one to call the kids and see how they are doing, not the other way around. However, last time I spoke to him, I called him.

This mainly bothers me because this is my sister’s senior year, and the guy never went to see her be a Drum Major at one of the football games, he hasn’t called to see how her year is going, see what her college plans are, etc. If he reads this, it may be the first that he hears that she made the NCDA All- Region Honor Band this year. (Yeah, she did, on Bass Clarinet.) Now that I think about it, it was usually me who called him my senior year. Maybe because I wanted that relationship. I’m not sure. But now? He’s not around, therefore there is no relationship. It’s unfortunate, and kind of sucky, but I suppose I shouldn’t have expected any more from him. He has the best intentions that he NEVER follows through with.

A key aspect of having effective relationships is the recognition of the multiple personalities within us and within others. Based on the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model conceived by Thomas A Harris I think that our multiple personalities have their foundations in one or more of our Parent, Adult and/or Child. See my article on Perspective for more information on the PAC model.

In extreme cases these multiple personalities manifest in the form of severe mental illness such as multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia; read more about:

• Mental Illness at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_illness

• Multiple Personality Disorder at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder

• Schizophrenia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

Fortunately for most of us, experiences of these psychological extremes are rare occurrences. Anybody who has been through severe emotional distress such as denial, anger, grief etc will have experienced these extremes even if just for the briefest of moments. These temporary extremes can be described as altered states which can also be caused by stimulants, relaxants, and depressants (e.g. alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc). I think that stimulants, relaxants and depressants primarily affect our Child while weakening the function of the Parent and Adult. My rationale being that the effects are intense, uncontrolled and temporary. Natural stimulation and relaxation methods such as good eating, exercise, play, appreciation of the outdoors and meditation also primarily affect our Child but under ‘supervision’ of the Adult with input from the Parent and are therefore of a lasting nature. See this article for more on altered states:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altered_state_of_consciousness

In my view, the most common form of altered state is rage, anger at its most intense. When a person is in this state they are manifesting a very different personality from the one that they usually do. The Rage Personality has its foundations in our Child. Rage can be hot and loud such as road-rage or cold and silent such as resentment. Regardless of whether it is hot or cold, when rage takes over we are not our normal selves and may end up saying or doing things that we regret. Guilt invariably follows a Rage Personality episode and often creates a vicious cycle of rage-guilt-rage-guilt-rage-guilt as we attempt to justify our destructive expression of our rage instead of apologising; a state of affairs which almost inevitably leads to conflict.

So we need to develop means of detecting the build up of rage and managing its expression. Put simply we should avoid interacting with others when we are angry. We should count to 10, go for a walk, meditate; anything but expressing the rage at others. When we have calmed down and our Adult has reasserted itself with input from the Parent we can resume our interactions with others and work towards resolving the causes of the rage.

Here are a few examples of personality types that may exist within us:

Fantasist

I think that the Fantasist Personality operates primarily through the Child and has higly idealistic expectations. When these expectations are not met tantrums and sulking are among the inevitable consequences. In my experience the Fantasist Personality is responsible for those who, inappropriately, have multiple relationships dropping and replacing those that fail to meet their expectations. Typically they will ‘exhaust’ an area then move elsewhere to repeat the pattern.

Perfectionist

I think that the Perfectionist Personality operates through the Parent with expectations that everything should be “perfect”. In extreme cases this may manifest as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Read more about OCPD at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder. My view is that the Perfectionist Personality is responsible for those who move on from relationships when things become “imperfect”.

Victim

This one is interesting because I think the Victim Personality operates primarily through the Parent and is also heavily influenced by the Child. The Victim Personality recalls and replays memories of put downs and admonitions etc stored in the Parent and the associated feelings stored in the Child. The Victim Personality only seems comfortable in the “poor me” mode, feeling undeserving of respect or praise. I think that it is responsible for those who move on from relationships where they are being treated with respect, kindness and consideration.

Controller

I think that the Controller Personality operates primarily through the Child with a drive to control everything in order to avoid replays of past upsets. It is responsible, in my view, for those who move on when they perceive that they are no longer in control.

Stay strong and serene.

By guest blogger Sherrie Giddens

Riches and power, a life full of bigger and better things—happiness in this world seems to be measured by how much we accumulate. People are encouraged to indulge themselves and experience life at every level.

Have you ever been offered something of great value, only to realize that you already have what you are being offered?

Satan showed Jesus Christ all of the kingdoms of the world, explaining that if Jesus would only worship him, Satan would give him all of these things. Jesus answered: “Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve’” (Matthew 4:10).

Satan offered the One who created this world, a small part of it. He asked the very Creator to fall down and worship him. It may seem absurd when you stop to consider the irony of the situation.

What about us? Every day we are offered the same choice. Do we realize who we are and our role in God’s plan? We are asked to serve Satan and this world by living his way and putting value on the things of this world.

In reality, though, we already have more than anyone else could offer us. We have Jesus Christ living in us, and He has overcome Satan. We have the ability to share in His inheritance, and to become more than Satan could ever offer.

Riches can be a trap...

Yes, every day we are offered the riches of this world. Every day we have a choice. If we choose to worship the true God, nothing that this world or Satan offers us will hold any value in comparison. Isn’t it ironic that Satan offers those who will inherit the world tomorrow a chance to be a part of his world today? He is making the same offer to you and me that he made to Jesus Christ.

The most valuable offer comes from the very One who overcame Satan. “To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne” (Revelation 3:21).

What we are offered now can never compare to what we will inherit later in the Kingdom of God!

Acts 20:24 But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God. 

Single-mindedness is a quality needed by anyone who wishes to do God’s work.  Today I began reflecting on how much passion, enthusiasm and energy I had when I first began my Christian race in 1986.  It took me some time to realize that God has a unique plan and purpose for all our lives.  And that each of us must step up to life with purpose, and vision to fulfill these God given tasks.

Our purpose and life is directly linked to our relationship with the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  You cannot and will not find your purpose outside of a life committed to Christ.  When we make a commitment we become single minded in our focus to that commitment.  Whether it’s in marriage, our families, employment or a quest for a healthier lifestyle, we have a single focus. 

The Apostle Paul was a man totally devoted to Christ through all situations, seasons, and circumstances.  His life reveals his commitment to serving the Lord.  He served with humility, with tears and with many trials.  I can identify with the apostle Paul; there have been times, when I have had to serve in humility.  I wanted to say some things that may have been considered unkind or not “Christian”, but I held my peace.  There were other times when I served with tears and great opposition.

Early in my walk with Christ, I went through a period where people tried to make me doubt my identity.  I was told many reasons why women could not and should not be a pastor.  Being a babe in Christ, I took those issues to the Lord in prayer.  And one day the Holy Spirit revealed a passage of scripture to me Gal 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”  That forever settled in my heart any concerns I may have had. 

Life has not been easy and will at times throw you a curve, storms will come and strong winds may blow, but each of us must decide how we will finish our course.  We can live a life full of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and regret or we can finish our course with Joy.  Real joy comes when we are not so consumed with ourselves, but when we can make a difference in the lives of others. 

Paul did not count his life dear unto himself.  His life was not for him to use and do as he pleased, not for earthly comfort or pleasure.  His life was for Christ.  His life was a precious and valuable possession of the Lord.  Ps 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings” Each of us is as the apple of God’s eye and like Paul we have to make the decision to consecrate and dedicate our lives back to the One who gave us life in the first place.    

Paul finished his course and ministry not because he had to, but because he chose to. And he did so with joy.  Ralph Sockman says “Love is the outreach of self towards completion”.  Finish your course with joy.  God Loves you and so do I….Pastor Tammy

Acts 20:24 But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.

Single-mindedness is a quality needed by anyone who wishes to do God’s work.  Today I began reflecting on how much passion, enthusiasm and energy I had when I first began my Christian race in 1986.  It took me some time to realize that God has a unique plan and purpose for all our lives.  And that each of us must step up to life with purpose, and vision to fulfill these God given tasks.

Our purpose and life is directly linked to our relationship with the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  You cannot and will not find your purpose outside of a life committed to Christ.  When we make a commitment we become single minded in our focus to that commitment.  Whether it’s in marriage, our families, employment or a quest for a healthier lifestyle, we have a single focus. 

The Apostle Paul was a man totally devoted to Christ through all situations, seasons, and circumstances.  His life reveals his commitment to serving the Lord.  He served with humility, with tears and with many trials.  I can identify with the apostle Paul; there have been times, when I have had to serve in humility.  I wanted to say some things that may have been considered unkind or not “Christian”, but I held my peace.  There were other times when I served with tears and great opposition. 

Early in my walk with Christ, I went through a period where people tried to make me doubt my identity.  I was told many reasons why women could not and should not be a pastor.  Being a babe in Christ, I took those issues to the Lord in prayer.  And one day the Holy Spirit revealed a passage of scripture to me Gal 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”  That forever settled in my heart any concerns I may have had. 

Life has not been easy and will at times throw you a curve, storms will come and strong winds may blow, but each of us must decide how we will finish our course.  We can live a life full of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and regret or we can finish our course with Joy.  Real joy comes when we are not so consumed with ourselves, but when we can make a difference in the lives of others. 

Paul did not count his life dear unto himself.  His life was not for him to use and do as he pleased, not for earthly comfort or pleasure.  His life was for Christ.  His life was a precious and valuable possession of the Lord.  Ps 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings” Each of us is as the apple of God’s eye and like Paul we have to make the decision to consecrate and dedicate our lives back to the One who gave us life in the first place.   

Paul finished his course and ministry not because he had to, but because he chose to. And he did so with joy.  Ralph Sockman says “Love is the outreach of self towards completion”.  Finish your course with joy.  God Loves you and so do I….Pastor Tammy

I can’t settle to editing today.

I’m feeling 99.9% sure I will get a rejection letter for my Harlequin Presents. That’s got me wondering if I should stop my current edits aimed at shaping it to fit the Presents guidelines, and go with the story that’s been niggling at the edges of my awareness for weeks.

Basically, the same story, same premise. But a lot longer, and with magic.

What if on the island of Melusia, magic was real? Maybe only those of Royal blood have it, but it exists and works. So Emma’s cat can talk to her, and she not only has to get used to being a celebrity and wearing high heels, but learning to control these new powers she has. What if another big reason Luk doesn’t want to be in Melusia is that he doesn’t like magic, doesn’t trust magic, doesn’t like how the magic affects him?

The idea appeals to me so much!

I guess I better keep working on the Presents version, as I’ll kick myself if I’m lucky enough to get a full request and have nothing ready. Now I’ve written down the idea, I can go back to the task I set myself of editing it as a Presents.

But once it’s done, next story might just be the fantasy version.

I started the week with a heated discussion on whether DNA is designed by intelligent beings that are just one step up a chain of intelligent beings. Along the way we talked about ultra-microscopic universes in the human stomach populated by less-intelligent agnostics wondering if they are not alone, the Matrix trilogy, and the infinite void where our own universe expands. To me things are not as black and white as they seem to my friend who looks seriously disturbed by the idea that believers are so sure about the existence of god – people who are atheists since birth are essentially martians. Illustrating faith was not easier than playing the religious skeptic with my Christian ex-girlfriend, who reveled in persecuting those who lack a spiritual life. At the end of the week, I saw a human form who, while capable of managing a complex system of supercomputers, had been relegated to pragmatic routines.

My friends are all about consistency. Most of them. It’s a wonder they can put up with me and my antics after they have made it official that I am a walking oxymoron. When I decide to put off the things I need to do, I sincerely think I shouldn’t. Now I am convinced to do one thing; later I do the opposite. Despite all of that, one can easily see that I have a strong sense of responsibility. Believe it or not, I stick to the plan. My friends say so.

Life is just a few decades. And I’m not planning to be a politician.

Abortion is Wrong

Homosexuality is Wrong

Evolution is Wrong

Buttermilk is Wrong

Putting cold gravy on your leftovers is just Wrong

Area = 16 meters squared is Wrong

When I was younger, I spent a good deal of time deciding what was RIGHT and what was WRONG. These are important decisions for a kid, and I didn’t take it lightly. My Right-Wrong Spectrum has gone through a lot of changes since I owned a Huffy 5 speed and made forts with Bethany. Let’s make some lists:

At age Seven, in the second grade:

• It was WRONG to unzip my fly and show my swimsuit zone to the girl on the playground (Honestly, I was comparing mine to Ian Jefferson’s and somebody behind me yelled my name. I turned around and, bada-bing; I’m a 7-year-old sex offender).
• It was RIGHT to immediately admit when I was caught and apologize to the girl
• It was RIGHT to bike away from the boys who wanted to sneak into the old lady’s house on the hill and look for ghosts
• It was RIGHT for me to not fight back when Joseph slide-tackled me into the mud, for no other reason than he’s a douche.
• It was WRONG for me to color the grass on my picture side to side, instead of up-and-down

So wrong, in fact, that I never drew again, and learned to play drums to keep the art teacher off my back.

At age 13, in the seventh grade:

• It was WRONG for me to be honest with Brooke about why I didn’t want to date her (she was not much of a looker and real annoying)
• It was RIGHT for me to complete my homework and submit it on time, not resorting to cheating.
• It was mostly WRONG for me to watch Scream at a Christmas party with some friends, even though I wasn’t 17. It wasn’t illegal, it just felt mostly WRONG.
• It was mostly RIGHT for me to become friends with Orin, the boy from church who was next geek down on the totem pole. I became his friends, but was urged by my mother to do so. I wouldn’t have otherwise, but I was legitimately his friend, so it was mostly RIGHT.

Oh, you made another Flash animation of yourself playing the French Horn... cool.

At age 20, my junior year in college:

• It is mostly RIGHT for me to give money to missions organizations who advertise on campus. If I can be guilted into the right thing, it’s still mostly RIGHT.
• It is WRONG for me to pick on gay people. I’ve never done it, but seeing other people do it puts knots in my stomach, so it must be WRONG.
• It is mostly WRONG for a missionary to marry a 12-year-old in a village in Africa. It means that the whole village found out about Jesus, but she’s twelve, so it’s iffy.
• It is mostly WRONG for me to drink alcohol. I’m not 21, but it isn’t hurting anybody and if I’m safe, what’s the big deal.

ABOVE: Not hurting anybody... but I did tap my Rockies against the side of the tub on the way in.

At age 25, married with a graduate degree:

• It’s mostly RIGHT for me to speak up when I think that Andrea and I disagree. If I do it in a disrespectful or “cheap shot” manner, then it’s WRONG.
• It’s mostly WRONG of me to stay at work until 5:30 p.m. every day. I get to work at 7:30, so I don’t need to put in such long hours, but I want to do my job well.
• It’s neither right nor wrong to drive to work on my day off. It is a decision that carries consequences and isn’t a moral issue.
• It’s kinda RIGHT for me to listen to my student as she tells me about her drug use, and plans to run away from home. It feels WRONG to then go tell the school counselor, as I am mandated to do.

As you can see, the issues become less and less clear as one gets older. In fact, I will contend mathematically with the following diagrams:

Age Seven Diagram – As you can see, 100% of my decisions were divided up roughly 15% wrong and 85% right. They were one or the other. Eating vegetables fell into the blue zone, flashing classmates in the red zone.

Age Thirteen Diagram – A bit more complex, right and wrong are now extremes of a spectrum, with some decisions more right or more wrong than others. Watching Scream is kinda wrong, but watching ArmaGetItOn online when my parents are asleep is very wrong. Good thing I never did that.

Age Twenty Diagram – Now decisions can be both right and wrong, with components of each. For example, passing a test (right) because I cheated (wrong) can have elements of both. To keep a friendship (Right) I tell a friend that they are annoying (ehh… neither?), but I tell them in a nice way (right) because I care about them (right) in a strategically worded Facebook message (wrong).

Age Twenty-Five Diagram – At this point, a myriad of factors influences every decision. Before a decision can be declared RIGHT or WRONG, it must be weighed by checking it against the Obligations from work, gut feelings, and family opinions, among others. Often, there isn’t time to analyze each input, so the decision is made sometimes without any concern for its right-ness or wrong-ness. Sometimes shit just needs be gettin done, know what ah’m sayin?

So, by my mathematical reckoning, the decisions become more and more complex as life’s influences grow more numerous. Ergo, the more complex one’s life, the harder it is to distinguish right from wrong. I have work and home, and I’m already screwing the theoretical pooch when it comes to some very big decisions. I can’t imagine how much more complicated my Right-Wrong spectrum will get once I have kids, or a house, or a job with more responsibility. I will definitely have more respect for burdened people making bad decisions.

Well... most people.

Luckily for me, I have a wife who is quick to forgive my shortcomings and even quicker to apologize for her own. It would really suck to have a whole country (or even a county) telling me when my Right-Wrong Seesaw tilted the wrong direction because I gave too much weight to “Popular Opinion”.

This isn’t a political article: it’s a morality article. The truth is, friends, that the world doesn’t work in blacks and whites, but in reds and yellows and greens and kindas and maybes and “little bit”s. Those that worry about making a wrong decision are those who abstain from committing. I trust that the benevolent force in the universe (God) has a firm stance on RIGHT and WRONG, and respects us for trying our best to weigh our see-saws. Sometimes it’s the effects of a decision that make it right or wrong.

For more on that, watch Battlestar Galactica. Some say it’s a parallel of the war on terror; I say it’s a slick, well-produced epic spanning 3.5 seasons and offering a glimpse into human nature alongside a stellar soundtrack. Plus there’s spaceships and lasers and shit.

Here are some ways that I ‘go green’ in my daily life.  [Note: there is no implied judgment about others here - do what you need to do!  The important thing, in my humble opinion, is to be well informed...  Every choice we make affects everyone else in some way shape or form.  And even doing nothing at all is a choice in and of itself.  So the least one can do is make a well-informed choice, even if it is to do nothing at all.    Trust me, I have teenagers in my life - I have these kind of discussions on a regular basis!]

• LIFE-LONG VEGETARIAN
  • I have been vegetarian my whole life and have made changes more recently that include a considerable decrease in processed foods, increase in local foods, less canned goods.  My choice to be vegetarian is very important to me and shapes who I am.  I chose to be vegetarian both for ethical and health-related reasons and am happy to elaborate.  I will post about it at a later time as well.
    • Regarding the canned goods, it takes a lot longer and more planning ahead to make dishes that require beans, for example, but there’s a trade-off between convenience and extra packaging/potential leaching from can lining (http://www.dotmed.com/news/story/10748/ ). ‘Prudent avoidance’ seems like a good tactic and certainly one that I ascribe to.

• ORGANIC/LOCAL FOODS
  • I do try to get organic but only selectively get those organics as indicated by The Organic Center as being the most susceptible to be high targets of pesticide use. This is simply a matter of considering the cost of organics and the sources of organic produce and then making sure that we focus on getting organic versions of the most susceptible fruits and vegetables. Buying organic and buying local at the same time is made easier by having a good CSA (community supported agriculture) farm nearby and also growing our own of some things.
  • Buying seasonal local foods, eg. from farmer’s markets and the like can be so much fun.  And I do enjoy helping out on the farm whenever I get a chance.
  • I do have a vegetable garden and strawberries but I must say they did not do well this year AT ALL.    Too much rain.  But I am hardly alone in that.

• CONSERVING ENERGY – LIGHTS
  • We are pretty vigilant about lights and equipment and turning things off when not in use. And I try not to forget the large appliances that aren’t in use because while they may not draw that much power, it can add up!
• CONSERVING ENERGY – SHOWERS
  • I take lukewarm showers or even cold showers sometimes.  Hot water isn’t good for your skin anyway!  This one was hard to get used to at first because I used to love hot hot showers… but then I learned to get used to taking really fast army-style showers.  Then again, I’m not really a girly-girl so YMWV on this one.  [The point here though is that whatever temperature you are used to, I can bet you can probably get away with turning it down a wee bit and save some $/energy.  Again - do what you need to do.]

• I use a Diva Cup – THANK THE GODDESS!!  I won’t elaborate for fear of TMI but feel free to email me if you want further information.  I will post links to relevant websites also.  For women with heavy menstrual cycles and/or anyone interested in being done with/decreasing the amount of waste associated with this aspect of being female – learn on! 

• RECYCLING PLASTIC/PAPER BAGS
  • At home we reuse both plastic and paper bags as a regular course of things. We use them to take out the recycling, to cover the floors when the kids are painting, to cover the floors when we repainted the kitchen, for the kids to tear up and make crafts out of, to make signs, as gift wrapping or they get spruced up as gift bags, as liners for the tiny wastebaskets, to hold library books, etc.
• RECYCLING CONTAINERS
  • Same deal with containers, eg. spice jars, sauce jars, large jars of honey etc.  Basically anything that comes in glass and is a decent size is washed and saved and reused usually for leftover sauces, soups, etc.  The smaller jars are used for buttons, pins, etc.  All kinds of things!

• THRIFTY SHOPPING
  • I went to a wedding in a beautiful shimmery blue gown I got at a thrift store for $5. It was clearly something someone had paid over $100 for and was in perfect condition. Sadly I can’t fit into anymore (though for good reasons!!!)
  • Our local town craft fair is hit or miss for gifts but the associated tag sales have, in the past, yielded some interesting finds. It’s all a matter of how much time you are willing to spend to sift through things AND to haggle.
  • But haggling can be fun. And is also a valuable skill to learn even for regular stores. We typically don’t think of haggling as the domain of regular retail stores and it all depends, of course – but if you take a mindset of looking for bargains and ways to get a seller to cut you a deal, then you are more likely to find such opportunities. You never know if you don’t ask.

• PAPER TOWELS
  • We use cloth towels when possible and choose-your-own-size towels only for the paper.  That just means they cut them into smaller sections so we aren’t wasting as much paper each time you pull off a section unless you really need a lot.

• YARD WORK
  • We live in New England and have a long driveway. Ouch. So you might understand when I say that we made a conscious choice not to have a snowblower. That’s a conscious choice that has a lot to do with the environment and prioritizing our own resources. We do have a leaf blower but hardly ever use it. But let me tell you – every year is a challenge because we have a lot of trees!

• CARDS
  • I like to make a lot of my presents/greeting cards every year … it’s fun to do with the kids too! I still buy presents, mind you but who doesn’t love a handmade present?
• CLEANING
  • I clean with vinegar!!  And essential oils like lavender and lemon!  Oh yes.    Who needs nasty stuff like bleach (YUCK!  That stuff is toxic.  I’m actually allergic to it, in that I have trouble breathing around it) or other commercial products?  For most things, all you need is some vinegar or baking soda.  I’ll share some tips later on this.  There are good books out there on this too.
• NO DRIPS!
  • Ok this one is both a $ saver, and a pet peeve.  I hate the sound of dripping water or squeaky pipes.  But I also hear the sound of $ disappearing so it is good to get those leaks fixed.  But I will freely admit here that I don’t always do it right away, pet peeve or no pet peeve.  DIY plumbing is no fun!  And plumbers ain’t cheap. 
• PLASTIC TOYS
  • I try to avoid buying the kids in my life plastic toys because I certainly don’t want to add to the chemicals they are being exposed to already in their daily lives!  Plastics leach out chemicals and plastic toys are almost always from China, and hence are not known for their safety profiles, which includes the paint.  So wood, electronics (like they need anymore stimulation!), BOOKS etc.
• ETC.

I live in little boxes
because I am scared
to lose all the little
symbols of my life.

I live in little boxes
to lessen the empty
that space consumes
a false image of full?

The sun shone through my golden curtains,
but I was stuck in the kitchen, tending to my turkey.
The water boiled the pork’s butt tender, salty flavor for my collard greens.

The boy at the end of the hall locked himself in his misery.
I cut myself. The squash was still young so I added a bit of sugar.

My mother stepped in bright magenta, her favorite color.
Thank goodness she only had her giant pocketbook.
I told her to bring nothing, something almost impossible for her to do.
I popped in a Thai movie but all she wanted to do was go on-line and listen to ASTV.
The same damn white noise I hear in the background, whenever she calls me.

I set the table, turned off the DVD and logged off ASTV.
The turkey was dry but the cranberry helped.
The collard greens were overcooked but tasty.
The squash was too young. The sugar helped a bit.

I told her about the the miserable boy at the end of the hall and she frowned.
I think he snuck out when my mom came.

I found out, my mom did not pass the final exam to complete high school.
She came to the US at 25 on a student visa and got her Associates.

I cleared the dinner table and she logged back onto ASTV.
I asked her if she wanted to watch a Chinese movie. She said yes.
So I popped in the DVD and asked her if she was going to turn off ASTV.
No. I watched my favorite Chinese movie, “The Promise” with
ASTV in the background. Just like talking on the phone with her,
it was very annoying. I wondered if my mom was ADHD.
She kept asking me about what was going on in the movie.
I did not answer her. After watching the movie for the fifth time,
I just realized the importance of the line, “You must live.”

I pulled down my futon couch for her.
She said my sister’s boyfriend is good looking
and her old boyfriend never made her happy.
She admired my wardrobe and asked how much they were.
I told her she should go through all her clothes, put it in a
suitcase and I’d donate it for her. For the first time,
she didn’t fight with me. We went through her old jewelery
I was keeping for her. I told her she should take them
and wear it. She said no, you keep things safe.

I thought about all her stuff, stuffed from wall to wall and
floor to ceiling in her apartment. I wondered how safe it made her feel.

My mother fell asleep on my couch with Andrea Boticelli and ASTV in the background. I wondered whether the boy down the hall called his mom and I gave thanks that my mom is around.

There comes a point of commitment in almost everything we do and before that point there is a lot of weighing, waffling, and worrying.  I guess that is the stage I am in right now.

Recently I took my kids to Disneyland and we were trying to get my daughter to commit to riding the Tower of Terror.  It was a long line and as we shuffled along slowly she would look at me and say, “I don’t know about this mom.”  And I would reassure her and tell her that not only would she be safe, she would also have fun.  But you  know how those lines are.  There are the signs that warn of back injury or heart attacks and there are moments along the way with the ominous music playing in the background, that give you the option to leave the line and ditch the ride.  And then after sometimes a very long wait,  you get to the point of commitment.  You either have to get on the ride or go down the stairs and take your wimpy self off the ride even before it has begun.

That very thing happened the last time we were at Disneyland and we went on the ride without her and I was bummed because I knew she would have liked it.  She just psyched herself out and let her fear get the best of her.  This time though was different.  The fear was still there but this time she didn’t give in to it.  She sat right next to me and screamed and let me hold her hand tight when I got scared.  And when the ride was over, she could not contain her excitement, her exhilaration, her elation.  And I was so happy for her and us for getting to have the experience of the ride together.

So, right now I am at the edge of this new life.  I have all of these options now and decisions to make along the way.  And I know there are dangers, I know there are pitfalls, I know I could get hurt.  But I also don’t want to watch life pass me by while I sit in my house night after night and day after day.  I DO SO want to live.  And lately I have been in line so to speak.   Waiting for that moment of commitment.  I have met this truly great guy and we are getting to know each other.  And I don’t know how long this wait will be…you know this line.  We talk everyday.  We chat and we share.  But I know there will come a point where I have to decide…am I going to go for it and get on this ride?  Or am I going to opt out.

I  have to admit that I’m glad I don’t have to decide yet.  The wait is kind of fun in and of itself.  But if I had to make it today, I would probably go for it because who wants to miss out on something that could be very good just because of fear?  We’ll just have to see.

The very first of all, I want to say my apologetic words to my dear blog for abandoning it. I didn’t mean to or maybe I did mean to because I had been in no mood to blog.

What I’d like to blog today is indeed about my relation. I can’t keep my thoughts dying inside after all.

Decision; yeah this is what I’d like to discuss. See, we’ve been through extremely hard times together in our relation that we nearly broke it to two. But then, patience was once again our relation-saver. So, thanks to our patience.

I have been thinking about decision to be made in my relation with my dearest Amalhs because apparently, every path is disastrous! D: hahaha. I really feel like I need to blog this out so Amalhs can know what I feel about. Hey, what’s the use of being in relation without sharing our thoughts about it? Am I right or am I not wrong?

First – Plurk. See, since she mentioned about me tweeting less and plurking more, I started to feel a little more of guiltiness and uneasy. She did mention about she felt like shit and as if I missed my friends more than her (which finally, I can accept though I doubt it ) and she said “besides, your friends are more on Plurk” – sorry love, I didn’t mean to take it as sarcasm… yeah, it scratched my skin a little bit, but that’s not the point. The point is – should I stay away from friends for a while? But of course she’ll say no, indeed. Well, for the sake of her, I’ll do it. Let’s try to clarify the situation I’m having here; your love is at side A and your friends are at side B and you spend more to side B rather than side A. What would the exact feeling you’d feel? Of course guilty it is! As if, I don’t care about her, BUT I DO! I REALLY DO! She’s all I have, dude. I’ll be breathless without her, literally. So, my decision is, maybe I would stay away from Plurk for a while freeze my karma and give more times to twitter. Maybe which means 100% I will do it which I will start later morning which I feel certain about it.

Second thing – ignorance or unawareness. See, I’ve been thinking about feeling happy all the way and try to ignore some of her suspicious tweets. The case – whenever I see her tweet seems suspicious, I know it’s about me. I know she thinks something ‘bad me,’ I know there’s going to be something… so, I’m thinking to decide to ignore it. BUT, I’m afraid in a long period, as so many things I’ve ignored, she might think I don’t care about her anymore and might think I have another girl! Come on, I’m talking real here. It has happened okay? But not to me though. So, this is the one I haven’t had my decision yet. If I ignore, she might think as what I have mentioned. If I don’t, we probably would fight as every serious talk usually will out to be argument, then fight. I am afraid it’d happen again. Therefore, I don’t know what I should decide! D:

Thirdly – different me. Yeap! I’m feeling different right now. She has told me that I’m not like ‘me.’ But will you still love me if I have changed, love? I don’t know what’s happened to me but I feel energetic every time, happy most of the time. But what she has confessed to me is really, really, upsetting. I mean, I am not ‘me’ since few weeks ago… ? D: I haven’t noticed it until yesterday. So, should I ask her my changes and try to be back as how I was or stay like this and be as happy as I can?

So, the holiday is over. The bird is safely stowed in the fridge. The kitchen counters are free of mess (for self cleaned them around midnight, immediately after watching Wes Craven’s craven Last House on the Left).

Here are some Thanksgiving resolutions self made yesterday:

• She’s going to return to the parking lot of Draeger’s in Menlo Park, and if that man collecting money for wounded veterans of Iraq is still there (Self saw not a single person give him a donation: for shame, Menlo Park matrons!), she’ll give him something.
• She has to figure out what to make of the left-over turkey — perhaps turkey soup? Or use it in pasta?
• Make fried rice. Self doesn’t know why, but fried rice sounds so good in the morning. Especially the morning after Thanksgiving.
• And, since self is somewhat tired this morning, she decides that if she really isn’t up to the post-dinner kitchen clean-up tonight, she will not feel guilty if she has to order out for pizza.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers, stay tuned.

It’s that time.

At the ripe old age of 3 3/4, we’ve reached the point where we have to decide which school to send our son to. Obviously, this is not a decision we’re making lightly. We narrowed our options down to 4 schools, and have so far visited 3 of them. The fourth, for some odd reason, holds its open house in late January.

Technically, we don’t have to register for public school until next year, as the boy will be starting kindergarten in September 2011. But private school is a whole different matter. They want you to apply THIS year. I have to assume it’s so they can benefit from the $250 deposit you have to put down to secure your spot… should you choose to keep it.

Around these parts, there is a high demand and not enough supply when it comes to English public schools. Because of that, parents literally have to line up outdoors overnight in January to register their kids. Funny how doing that for great concert tickets never seemed like a big deal in my 20’s, but I’m outraged that I have to do it for my son’s education.

Of the 3 schools we’ve visited, there is clearly no wrong choice. Surprisingly, we were underwhelmed by the one school that all my friends are sending their kids to. Which is weird. Or maybe not. I went to that very school when I was a kid and survived a horrible traumatic experience in which I was ostracized and then forced to change schools. So it kind of had that against it going in. Whatever the real reason, that school is out.

So we’re down to two: The private Jewish day school with the reputation for strong academics at the expense of hand-holding and coddling and the highly respected public school with the strong focus on math and science that’s so big I almost got lost during the tour.

Like I said, either choice could be the right choice. Yet I’m paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong one.

There is no doubt that the private school will provide a great education AND enforce Jewish values in our kids. At the low, low cost of $10,000 per kid, per year. That’s $20K/year, people! My concerns are about placing my kids in such a sheltered environment for 7 years, being at the low end of the net family income ladder and trying to figure out who the hell is going to stay home with them on the million + holidays that fall during the school year.

The public school was great, but it was a little hard to appreciate after having seen the state-of-the-art amenities at the private school. Yes, it was clean, but there was still peeling paint, old-school chalkboards (which I actually kind of liked) and grungy linoleum floors. Also, the school and classes are so big that it’s hard to imagine they’ll get the same personalized attention they’d get at the private school. (The private school has an assistant in each class, to help kids “catch up” when they fall behind or miss school.)

But the big bonus of the public school, aside from being within walking distance and costing close to nothing, is the fact that they have a well-thought out Jewish studies program. All the cultural diversity you could ask for with the added benefit of the Jewish education.

And when you factor in the reality that at 3 years old, I have no idea what will be the best choice for him at 8, or 10 or 12, the decision becomes really freaking hard. Not helping matters is the fact that my husband and I seem to be on opposite sides of the fence. While we both agree that education is the top priority here, we can’t seem to agree that the public school option is just as strong in that department.

He, I should mention, is a graduate of the private school.

And that’s where we’re at. So, like every other confused parent, we’ll register for the private school and hand over our deposit. And then, in the bitter cold of next January, one of us (please let it be him) will line up outside for 12 hours to hopefully secure a spot in the public school.

That should at least give us some time to figure out how the fuck we’d come up with $140K.

Listening to: Katy Perry, One of the Boys

Feeling: extremely pissed but trying to be positive

I’ve been thinking about shifting careers. Yes. It depends how you look at it. Some of you may think it’s a good thing, me having this dilemma this early in life. OR this late, as college has come and gone and so has my board exam, and in a little over a year’s time so will my license.

Still I can’t deny the fact that I am really thinking about this. I love what I’m doing. It’s just so discouraging. And it doesn’t help when you have parents who just don’t get you and they don’t even try. Or no room for you to call your own where you can just be yourself and have no one complain about how messy you are. Or any opportunity for growth (or anything at all) because you’re not filthy rich and you’re not friends with them either.

I’ve tried all my life to be perfect for other people. Maybe it’s time I stop trying and just go and do what makes me happy (and face all the retarded consequences that go with it).

SHIT.

Lord help me.

episode four

I don’t want to say it…
I don’t want to say it.
Not again, not again!
It’s not fair at all–she always has the last word either way!
Leaving me to watch my pride be stripped of what was suppose to be my chance…to be.

She glances once.
She glances twice!
She glances again–and I wonder?
Curiosity schemes a heart beyond the norm
As never before, had she (like often as she would) hesitate to care
about me.

And so She asked:
“Do you love me?”