Happy Holidays Everyone!

Oy vie—such cheer when one is Feeling anything but, can be rather taxing on one’s psyche, can’t it?  However, the holidays can offer much healing to one’s psyche, once we grow into adulthood, and choose to learn from our pains.  Notice I say, learn, not mask, not overcome, but learn.  Everyone must learn who it is; they have come here to Be.  However, it has been my experience, that not many folks recognize my purpose, here on earth.  How could they, for many years I had no idea what my purpose was, either?  You see, I am a Feeler!  Therefore, I Feel what others say, I Feel what others project!  This means I cry easily and Feel intensely—everything!

The energy we give-off as humans via our thoughts, words and deeds, projects outwardly into the ethers; we simply cannot see these energies.  (Well, most people can’t see them, there are those amongst us who can; seeing these energies—is one of their gifts.)  One of my gifts is that I Feel.

The holidays, therefore, have been a challenge for those of us who Feel:  Santa isn’t real, our parents are lying to us, yet teaching us we cannot lie; and everyone is running around with smiles and good cheer—when they are not ’sending out’ good cheer.  As young children, we Feelers really struggled with planet earth, no doubt—many of us thought—we had arrived on the wrong planet!

We Feelers have been mistreated, misdiagnosed, and misunderstood, especially, here in the United States, unless we were born into a Native American family.  Our Native American cultures, are taught the depressed individual in their tribes—is the Shaman—thus, instead of drugging them and throwing them behind hospital walls.  They honor them and remind these individuals of their gifts, through various Initiations and Sacred Ceremonies, which allow these individuals to fulfill their Divine Purpose for incarnating.

What exactly is the purpose of being a—Feeler?  We are also known in certain circles as Transformers/Transmitters: We have offered to use our physical bodies as a conduit for the negative, dark, and discordant energies.  Our heart chakras serve as the intact and output center as we simply Feel— all there is to ‘Feel’ on this planet.  It was understood, prior to our incarnations that these dark, discordant energies which have been prevalent on this planet for eons, would need to be Balanced energies of the Male and Female Polarity—beings this is the planet of duality.  Most people who incarnate are steered towards pleasure, and taught to strive for only that which is the Light.  Thus, this leaves a tremendous amount of energy for Mother Earth to transform.  We Global Lightworkers, incarnated to give Mother Earth a hand.

Thus, this is why I have Awakened, and why I share my experiences with you this day—many Feelers are still asleep after taking on the veil of forgetfulness when incarnating.  It is my Job (my dharma or what I call my Divine Purpose) to Awaken others who share my Gift; so, we can become the Global Lightworkers we intended to Be.  As such, we simply go where we are guided to go; and we transmute and transform the energies.

What does it feel like to be a Feeler?  When we take in the energies—we literally take them into our bodies, much like a transmitter picks up signals from the ethers.  We Transform the darkness into Love and Light.  When we take in these energies, it may cause several reactions to occur: we may suddenly burst out in tears, or spontaneous toning (much like the Sirens in Homer’s Odyssey), when walking we may suddenly stop, as we deep breathe several times, and we may begin to vibrate/shake, while standing in place.  We can also have reactions that are more violent; depending on the energies, we are transforming: Sudden vomiting, diarrhea, and electrical aches and pains that may knock us off our feet.  The lesser energies, can come and go instantly, while the more violent may take several days to transmute, while we are bed bound.  Either way, when we are Awake, we endure these transmutations knowingly—allowing for the energies to transform, and when we are finished, we simply continue onward.

What does this have to do with the holidays?  Well, we Feelers seem to suffer the most during the holidays; there is something so foreign to us about these celebrations, as well as all the ‘untruths’ that surround the holidays.  Not everyone is filled with joy and happiness; in fact, many people—are simply miserable.  The masses seem to go on autopilot, much like zombies bumping into one another, to buy and consume— as if happiness could be purchased at a mall or grocery store.  It’s highly confusing for us Feelers.  Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t sticks in the mud; we are simply aware and able to Feel the energies for what they are, we don’t judge these Feelings (once we are Awakened).  We are only here to transform them.

However, and this is the tricky part—here in the Western World—we have very few Teachings that include us Feelers.  We are labeled early on, as softhearted, crybabies, depressed, weakened emotional windbags, and such.  We are extremely, kinetic; yet, most schools have no training, no curriculum that helps us to use our strengths, and embrace our gifts—so we may hone-in on our abilities.  Thus, many of us have grown into Victims (or I should say— believe we are Victims), becoming the drug addicts and alcoholics of our societies.  Show me an addict or a drunk—and I will show you a very Old Soul—who has forgotten why he or she has incarnated.

Do you cry easily?  Have you always done so; do you cry while merely walking around when you come upon a force of energy that hits you right in your heart?  Do you cry for the animals or the destruction of trees, does a burnt forest make you cry?  Perhaps you too, are a Transformer.

Therefore, I am intending to Awaken those, who are like me.  I have great news!  We have a Divine Purpose—we Criers—and it is time for us to fully embrace the darkness we Feel, to recognized it is not our ‘own’.  After my Awakening, I became aware of the Teachings of people like Louise Hay, and Carolyn Myss—in fact, both of their books were thrown at my feet in a library one day via my Angelic Self, Azira.  In these teachings, I learned I have the power over my thoughts—and I could change them (my thoughts) in order to heal any physical aches, and pains and illnesses.  These wonderful Teachers had their own Gift to share with humanity.  God blesses them both for Awakening, and being brave enough to share their intuited information with us.  Imagine my surprise; however, when after changing my thoughts, I still was knocked around by my ability to Feel.  It took many years, and a journey around the globe for an entire year; to Awaken the Global Lightworker within me.  It was during my travels, when I finally discovered my aches and pains, as well as all my tears were ‘right’.  There was nothing ‘wrong’ with me, I was not ‘thinking’ certain thoughts that needed to be changed—I was simply providing my Service to Humanity!

Is this your Divine Purpose?  Are you here to aid and assist Humanity as a Feeler and Global Lightworker?  You can learn more about becoming a Global Lightworker, by reading my new book soon to be published, I Saw A Mountain Move Today: Ascending from Victim to Divine Purpose. I would love to hear your stories—please Feel free to share . . .

Lovies Dawn

First, there is no peace for the wicked. If you have not repented of your sins and placed a submitting faith in Jesus Christ for salvation—and if you are not daily denying yourself, taking up your cross, and following Him; you will not have a sound mind! If this is you, start at the beginning. If you’ve fallen away from the LORD, go back to the beginning.

Christians:

Your trust must be in Jesus ALONE (not in a church, pastor, spouse, or friend). Go to Him. He is the Vine, and without Him you can do nothing!

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Psa. 27:1

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. I John 4:4

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

What should we meditate on?

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil 4:8

God gives a sound mind to His children:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7

We are in a spiritual battle every day. We must use our spiritual weapons (Word of God and prayer/fasting) and bring EVERY thought into obedience to Jesus:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Cor. 10:3-5

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Heb. 4:12

We must use our minds to love the LORD Jesus (not self):

Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. Matt. 22:37

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Eph 5:17

We have the ability to “set our minds” where we want to, and we must CHOOSE to set them on things above:

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Col. 3:2-4

It is up to us to “gird up the loins of our mind” and trust Jesus. We can’t go into battle with our vulnerable parts (our minds) unprotected:

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Pet. 1:13

We must BELIEVE that Jesus will take care of us. It is not enough to say we believe. Our actions must prove that we trust Him:

I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Tim. 1:12

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Focus on Jesus, hold fast, and endure!

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb. 4:14-16

Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us, LOOKING UNTO JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For CONSIDER HIM who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. Heb. 12:1-4

Keep your spiritual armor on and HOLD YOUR GROUND. STAND. Notice at the end of this passage, you are to “be watchful with all perseverance with all supplication for all the saints.” When you are feeling sorry for yourself and not holding our ground, you are not able to strengthen your family members who need you.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—Eph. 6:10-18

We can and must have our minds RENEWED (by the Word of God):

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING OF YOUR MIND, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Rom. 12:1-2

..Be RENEWED in the spirit of your mind…Eph. 4:23

…And have put on the new man who is RENEWED in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him. Col. 3:10

For “who has known the mind of the LORD that he may instruct Him?” But we have the mind of Christ. I Cor. 2:16

We MUST consider our lives crucified with Christ, and we must REFUSE to walk after the flesh (our own ideas, desires, impulses, emotions, etc.)

For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Rom 8:6

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Gal. 2:20

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:5-6

And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Isaiah 32:17

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

When anxious, we must learn to wait patiently upon the LORD.

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isa. 40:31

My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:5

Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalm 27:14

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalm 131:2

And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly. Rom. 16:20

While waiting, give thanks!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. I Thess. 5:16-18

Remember what our afflictions are doing for us spiritually!

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Cor. 4:8-10

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor. 4:16-18

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:8-10

If you are convicted of sin, be earnest and REPENT. Stop doing it. Ask God for forgiveness. Believe His Word:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

Then move on! His mercies are new every morning, and there is no condemnation to those who are IN Christ Jesus, who do not walk after the flesh, but after the Spirit (Rom. 8:1). If you’ve repented and are currently not following your flesh, further condemnation is from the evil one. Pay no heed at all to that liar!

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee; The LORD make His face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee; The LORD lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. Numbers 6:24-26

 

I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating I must stop eating.

需要別人也讓別人需要自己的同時，還能很開心的擁有自己和自己的小小世界。

這點，是我一直很欣賞也很自我期許的一個人格特質，但一直以來，逗號後面的那部分卻總是在不得不的情形下才會實踐，不得不一個人的時候，只好不得不地開啟那個自己的小小世界。說實在的，有時候還真有點討厭自己總是不甘寂寞這一點。

不甘寂寞地強迫自己去或去做那些沒辦法讓自己的嘴角彎到心底的場合或事物，只是從頭到尾讓自己的笑肌做重訓，讓他們一點點、一點點地越變越堅硬。

我覺得是人都有那麼一份不甘寂寞，差別的只是會不會讓心情沈溺吧？不過，過說回來是不是也可能是這樣，我自以為那些沒讓心情耽溺於寂寞傷感的那些「超人」，只是我自己沒察覺而已？

不知道曾經在哪裡看過，大概是這個意思：太快的加熱，上升的溫度只是溫度計上的假象。微波爐總是能急速將食物加熱至沸騰，但這樣的食物，降溫也特別快，而且水份喪失的也特別多。之前也在日本節目上看過，先放入鍋中冷油裡再慢火烹煮出來的食物會比大火快炒的還能放得更久，葷素食材皆如是。

也許食材先放到冷油裡再開文火慢煮的景象令人難受，起鍋時的口感、美味程度也不如豪邁爽快的大火快炒。但令人難以想像的是，過了幾個小時甚至更久以後，原先前者的食不知味，竟遠遠勝過起鍋食讓人垂涎三尺的後者，慢火的禁得起時間的考驗，但快火的就只能逕自發黑發硬，乏人問津。

如果可以，想當個漂在冷油裡慢煮的。雖然，一開始有些令人難受，但卻能夠美味多汁，長長久久。不管是在哪一間廚房的哪一口鍋子，真的。

掰樂唯，想看美味關係Julie & Julia

Tonight I am feeling exceptionally depressed.  Usually depression is there, hiding, but not far away.  Tonight it’s right here, in my face.  I have lost ana.  I don’t know where she is, where she went, but I have not at all forgotten about her.  I want her back.  Right now she is all I think about, and so it’s a wonder she doesn’t come back.  I don’t know what’s wrong.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’m looking for her, anywhere I can think.  I go online and I go looking in different people.  I just keep eating, though, like a fatass.

So I want to go away for a week.  Just be mostly by myself, without stressed, and concentrate fully on ana.  I won’t be able to binge there, so I feel like it’ll be better.  I also want to stay here, though.  My heart wants to see him. It doesn’t want to leave and miss a chance to be with him.  But my feelings for ana will hopefully be stronger.  I need her.

I was watching a documentary on ”fat people”.  Haha, the stuff I watch, you know.  The doctors said, though, that the fat cells in your body never go away after you accumulate them, they just shrink.  It made me freak out, want to cry.  I don’t want to gain any more fat cells.  It’s disgusting.  It sounds disgusting and it looks disgusting and everyone knows it.  I’ve had so many people telling me if I just tried to be healthy that I would lose weight, and actually be able to keep it off.  But this documentary just proves further the things I’ve already known.  Half of fat people don’t even lose the weight, and the percentage of the ones who do and keep it off are even less.  That’s not going to be me.  I’m not going to waste my time, losing two pounds a freaking week.

I feel like the people around me need to change, too.  Or I need to get rid of them.  I feel like they just make me fatter.  When I go somewhere with someone who is fat, or when I am introducing someone I know to someone else I know who is fat, I always feel the need to tell them before, “they’re fat.  i already know.  they’re fat, and i do hate it”.  I want to say it, and maybe even have said it a few times.  but I don’t want to think I’m more fat just because of someone else being fat.  Does anyone else feel that way?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Lots of food; shit.  But Friday I leave, and I hope I’ll fast.  I hope that there’s enough memory left of ana that I can do that.  And find her in the process.  A side note, I haven’t weighed myself in a while.  Way too fucking scared.

stay strong, lovelies.

Drunk – Guilty
Self Harm – Guilty
Fucking Up – Guilty

Questioning why bother? All the fucking time…

I’ll attempt to write a more coherent post when things make more sense…

So, as the title says, I’m ill. Mild flu symptoms. Not good when I’m going to London this weekend, I’d best be better by then!

Also I had a really weird turn of emotion last night. I’ve been having that for a while now, where my mood changes to extremes very quickly. I guess each side of my emotion has valid points in being that way, but last night, it all compounded, and my illness didn’t help matters. I guess I’m just tired, in two ways. Physically, and also I suppose I’m tired of not having a place in the world, being unemployed, being single, not being able to achieve what I want because I’m not as fortunate as others…

It’s usually in this mindset that I either go for a late night walk and think things over, or write, but it was very windy and cold, and I was ill and tired, so I just had to lay and try and forget about it, which didn’t work too well.

I’m feeling a little better today in both ways, but it’s odd how my twelve hours of being in bed only left me more exhausted than when I went to bed. Ah well. More decent, proper blogging soon, when I feel more up to it. Good night folks!

Relevant song lyric of the post: Red Hot Chili Peppers – Under The Bridge

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry”

Closing KoLd Quote:

“Maybe I’m bipolar, who knows, a medically-inclined friend even suggested it not long ago. Like most people, I need a purpose in life, if I don’t have that, I can feel a little out of place here.”

I have, surprisingly, become a slightly depressed, quirky version of Carrie Bradshaw.

• I write about my life
• I love buying clothes, accessories, shoes
• I have my own complicated relationship with my Mr. Big
• I have 3 best friends to confide in

Shit is:

1. I don’t live in NY… but I am planning on moving to London
2. I am not successful
3. I’m not that hot

In fact, it’s those 3 little things that I lack in my life. The 3 things I most want to have… the only necessary bits to make my life a good life. I really need to work to get my Carrie status.

NO MOTIVATION AT ALL!

Well… I’ve lost weight… over 10 pounds… but not from working out or eating right, it’s from sadness over the loss of my Big Brother.

He was found dead in his home recently, and not even 40 years old.

He was one of my best friends, a love I could count on, and just a jovial, enthusiastic soul that was really looking forward to meeting my kids one day : (

I love you Bro, and I will miss you forever…

The only certain thing to my job is uncertainty.

I feel like I jinxed myself telling people I was going to be doing a 3-week data recovery at Fort Hood. Less than 24 hours later, my boss comes in and tells me that the plans have changed. Now, I’ll only be going to Fort Hood for the first week. Then, back out to East Texas for another pipeline survey.

Just when there was a glimmer of hope at work, it’s snatched away from me. As I’ve said a lot recently, I do love my job, but I’ve hated the work I’ve been doing for a while now. I’m happy to have a job doing what I went to school for, and I work for a really good company. But the endless surveys and report writing are really wearing on me. It’s even harder when you know there’s a cool project going on, and you’re not a part of it.

I’ve always said that I’ll go where they tell me to go and do what they ask me to do. I’m being sent on the survey because they need a solid, experienced person to help out the field director, so getting sent is a positive commentary on my work and the way my bosses feel about me. But still, I’m disappointed, and I’m going to have to try really hard not to let that show while I’m out on the survey.

At least I’m done with the massive report, and drinking a beer in an airport bar as I travel to visit my family for Thankgsiving.

Having another bad day. Feeling very emotional, nearly in tears just listening to music or reading. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I can’t feel like this anymore without going really mad. I don’t want to feel like this and I’m sick of merely existing and not feeling anything but crap and worthless. It’s impossible to know how this feels unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Even if close family members have depression, you will never really know how they feel because they will hide the worst from you, even when they try to be as honest as they can. They will hide things from you so you won’t worry and that you won’t be shocked and think they’re freaks. I can’t handle this anymore, I need help.

Well not much has happened since I last posted. I did post several more times but deleted them. I put it down to rambling.
Currently i’m sitting in my office watching the rain fall down on my newly cut grass. I really should be doing some paperwork….but watching rain feels so much better. I still wish i knew what ultimately felt so good that I put the rest of my life towards it.

I realise i’m not alone in how i feel towards my life and what it is lacking. At the moment losing weight is at the forefront of my mind and motivation. I bought a Wii a month ago and have only missed a few days on it. Technology has advanced so far. I find it utterly amazing. I’m actually typing on my new iMac today. First time i have ever owned a mac and now i see what all the hype is about. It is smooth, sexy and purrs along. I feel like i want to sit in front of it. I’ve caught myself staring at the desktop picture several times now. It’s definately not all magic though. It’s been quite interesting to try and teach myself how to use it. When I’m annoyed with it, my partner told me to call it ‘rotten apple’. I hope our relationship flourishes soon. Of course it’s not the mac’s fault that i am so far behind in technology. It feels like yesterday sometimes when i thought i knew it all. I guess this is what happens when you haven’t bothered to progress through the years and  keep up to date. Ah well…..I shall get there. I have this belief that no 10yr old kid is gonna out do my intelligence on a computer! I used to be one of those whizz bang ‘know it alls’. Oh i feel old and out of touch now. Charming. Thanks Rotten Apple.

hmmm more rain. My little orange and lemon trees will definitely be enjoying this.

I feel like ive lost touch with my creative side. I was always into art. Painting, drawing, creating things. It all seems to appear in phases. I think when i started to lose myself that my art was also swallowed into the abyss. I wish it would find its way out. I have images that run through my head but they never seem to appear on paper.  T-shirts that I designed and sold on ebay with great pleasure. Another phase. I have a love of all things cupcake but yet again, it doesn’t seem to be a great enough love to ‘follow through’ with.
I really wish i knew what was. How many people are sitting behind their computer screens also wondering ‘what next’. I wish there was a way we could all inspire one another to find ourselves. Now wouldn’t that be just a blessing.

Off to argue with my rotten apple a little more. The rain has eased and the smell of fresh grass has made its way into my office. Lovely. At least I did something productive today, even if it was cutting the grass.

This is highly random but the need to vent some frustration after missing a possible sold photo is strong, and that feeling is manifesting itself into what I imagine to be some alternate universe version of a child born by Kathy Griffin and Vicki Lewis.

that chick from NewsRadio

At that child doesn’t care if Care Bears seem crazy.

Long story short,  I was responding to a request on shutterpoint for a valentine’s day shot, a basic request for images portraying love, hearts, pink, red, etcetera.  I took the below images, went through them to find one that I liked, and added  it to my shutterpoint collection to submit and potentially make some money.  Enter horrible twist HERE: by  the time i completed this process the request was “on pause” even though, for ONCE, procrastination had nothing to do with it.  So, you are all now subjected to my series of what I like to call “Tenderheart Bear Waits for Valentine Date” or “Desperate Bear’s Heart Getting Less and Less Tender.”  Bitterness can be attractive, I will find out how to achieve that someday.  For now, hopefully these don’t make you too sad, depressed, or worried for my well-being.

End of Year 2 Semester 1.
claps for all you, with the exception of myself.

Something has been very wrong lately,
for the past months.
I don’t know.

This particular bout has been brutal,
is penetrating deep into the heart.
i need it to be over.
i can’t take this any longer.

my heart and my mind and my whole insides,
they felt hollow and bleeding and mourning.

I am sick and tired from this punishing routine.
I tried to sleep,
shut my eyelids and the events run like a never-ending tape.
there were memories dancing through my brain,
that says I want everything back.

i saw myself and us,
laughing under the scorching sun,
basking under the warmth of each other’s,
shading from the tiny water droplets,
enveloped with happiness, from the bottom of our hearts..
we were enjoying whole tonnes of things together,
and i would drift to sleep recounting these events..

sometimes, i would be awaken with a sudden heart-throbbing heartache,
that sent me tearing like river flows.
i would lie down, till the sun greets me,
and start another day of mourning.

I constantly find myself,
waking up, and staring at the nothingness in front of me.
tears of frustration and sadness take over,
with the day continued with endless round of drudgery.

Have i become the lone survivor of this heart-wrenching battle now?

am finally done with my exams! spent most of the afternoon sleeping off the trauma of the cinematic paper.. and the remainder of it packing up my room. i must have thrown out at least four pails of rubbish–how did i allow all that to accrete around me? i am surrounded by the detritus of a wasted life. and even sadder (maybe)–it was mostly paper, old magazines, scribbled sheets of disorganized thoughts and tentative essay plans….. that is what i’d allowed my life to build up around.

i am a papier mache man.

my dad was helping me with the moving, driving my barang back home… we decided to have dinner and wait out the worst of the evening traffic at the indian restaurant at the Science Park. we don’t speak very much, usually (my family is like that). so it was pretty surreal when my dad started talking to me about things like aging, travelling, tensions in the family and living life without regret. i realised that i don’t know my family as well as i thought i did; usually, you never really know anyone until you’ve had a serious schism and then you don’t talk anymore (which, somehow, makes people seem profound. the silence that is).  arguments are always educational. and more–truthful.

What can you do to treat your depression as well as taking anti-depressant drugs? How can you take control and lift your mood naturally?

I was watching television the other day and was surprised by an advertisement for a supplement which was intended as an adjunct to anti-depressant drugs. I wish I had noted what was said but a statistic was stated about the number of anti-depressants which don’t affect the required cure for depression. The percentage was really very high.

It is always difficult to trace the root cause of depression. Is it a chemical imbalance which results in depression, or is it a pattern of thought which results in a change in chemical balance? In reality, an interaction is constantly at play between mind and body which has a cyclical effect.

Anti-depressant drugs inevitably provide an intervention from a chemical angle, but cannot treat the way in which you think or tap into your habitual thought processes. The ideal treatment for depression would in fact include approaches from both angles. Unfortunately due to the cost of professional time, it is easier and cheaper to purely prescribe drugs to help overcome depression and overlook methods of treatment which involve modifying the way in which you think.

We all know that the way in which we think automatically triggers an emotional reaction. If you think about your favorite movie a smile will probably cross your face; it automatically lifts your mood. If you contemplate a horror movie you will associate with the heart pumping, tight chest, sitting on the edge of your chair (or head underneath a pillow!) response it elicits. Thoughts create emotions and their associated chemical effects throughout your physiology.

One aspect of depression which is extremely frustrating is the helplessness experienced; you feel out of control. It is therefore important to do everything you can to regain a sense that you are once more in the driving seat in your day to day life. Taking a tablet makes you feel that you are doing something which will hopefully cure depression, but is there not more that you could be doing as well?

The placebo response in drug trials is normally seen to be at around 30%, which tells us that just by thinking that a treatment will work places you in the position that your treatment for depression is 30% more likely to be successful. You could use hypnosis to access your subconscious mind and make suggestions to create a positive expectation of successful treatment of depression. In this way you can feel far more in control, and work on your depression from the mental perspective as well as from a chemical angle.

Hypnosis is a natural state of relaxation and you can learn to use hypnosis easily with the help of a hypnosis mp3 download. This is inexpensive (you can get a free hypnosis relaxation download from my website) and you can get started right away.

With hypnosis you have easy access to your subconscious mind which is that part where habitual patterns of thought are stored. Suggestions can be made to retrain your mind to think is a different way. Remember your thoughts create your emotions and the chemical reactions which are felt within your physiology.

You can use hypnosis to regain a feeling of control, change your deep rooted patterns of thought and lift your mood.

Roseanna Leaton, specialist in hypnosis downloads for health and well-being.

http://www.RoseannaLeaton.com

Ok so today during lunch I had to drop off my stars and money for Make A Wish and head over to Culinary for a mandatory meeting. So I saw my closest friends… but I don’t know what happened to me. I feel hatred towards them like.. I dont mean to you know? I just can’t help it cause of the things that recently occured. So I just took a glance at them and just walked quickly to Rm 324.

A few minutes into the meeting, they walked in and passed me and I felt this sudden hatred. Like the whole day when I saw them, I just kept cussin in my mind and like I felt something in my heart. Its like I wanted to either vent or just have my questions answered about things. I didn’t even talk to them anywayz. And after the meeting, and stuff like you know I just wanted to race out the door and not even look or talk to them. But during lunch, like when we walked back to the table, I saw them and ahhhh…. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m really hating myself and them right now. I think out of the 3 there’s only 1 friend that is like always cool around us (: Although she creeps me out sometimes cuhs she acts very very weird lol! I just have fun hanging around her, so lets hope I can get everything straight.  Hahahaha… sorry I went off topic, hope you guys understand it! If not then hahahah… woops? lol

Okay, this isnt related to my close friends anymore, but like I kinda found out today that I envy those people who gossips. I mean like they can make others tell them everything that’s occuring in their lives : guys, love, drama, dreams, random stuff and make everything cool you know? I really don’t get how they can make friends that way but they just do and I envy them for that. For gossiping all over the place and behind ppl’s back, yet they can still stay cool with it.

I’ve always thought that if you were trustworthy and stuff and you can relate to other people, they would share their life with you, all the rants and good moments in their life. Unfortunately, I found out that like it wasn’t true… I’ve been tryin to talk with this person for some time now and ask him/her about the randomest things everrrr. Like being friends and stuff you know?

I found out it wasn’t that easy to share things I mean like explain things that is occuring in their life in details and stuff than giving short answers. Instead, I found out that this other friend of mine who gossips can make others tell them stuff. I get sad / upset at the thought and therefore, I become envious… I think I’ll just back off from that person. Too many questions running through my mind…  Life is just so complicated. Rawrr

No offense intended