I had one more such gift from him….This one involved a trunk and finding the key, unlocking it and discovering a magic carpet inside. I then rode this carpet across oceans…through time….to the crucifixion of Jesus. He then has me walk through the crowd…to get to the front…by the crosses. What came next was stunning for me. This should tell you a wee bit about me. He wants me to ask Jesus for a gift. What? He’s dying…suffering…..and you want me to ask for a gift? Yes. So I hung my head and asked for a gift. I deserved no gift….so I got no gift. Why did I deserve one? I was so ashamed for asking…plus, we’re talking about me. Little old useless me. I didn’t expect a gift, so I didn’t get one. That still trips me out to this day. Why on earth did he want me to ask that? And why on earth did he want me to carry the guilt of asking such a thing. I thought it was supposed to be a reward for my hard work? Just bumfuzzles me. And lemme tell ya….during these sessions…..I was really out. Gone…out. I was aware of my surroundings and the mat I was laying on….but I was somewhere else. You know when you meditate down to certain consciousness levels? Or like the levels in the Operating Room? Down down down you go until they know you are UNconconscious. Like the Theta state or whatever. Oh Lordie….Just saw lol, yes, on FB….the idea……………..When we start to approach the next dimension of consciousness, or the next level of density/vibration, we will begin to crave more liquids and less solid food. My response was….Yay!!! I drink fluids and rarely eat. But I DON’T drink Water. Don’t worry…I get it from ice melt and other ways….avoided it my entire life. I know…big switch from what we were talking about but hay, it was about consciousness levels! Lol. Anyway……back to the rewards. One is troublesome for me but the gull experience will bless me till I’m no more. I wrote a poem about it. Ha….I used to write poetry instead of blog. I was just telling Blue that I loved him. Then I realized I was leaning to the left, so I sat straight and couldn’t see him. Then I lifted up and rose my sight above the laptop and I saw him, then back down and then again over to the left. Like playing peekaboo with a baby. Then I told him. Sometimes I can’t see you. HUGE. He is right there…but I can’t see him. Just huge for my pondering mind. Plus…the movie I didn’t really wanna watch, JACK, showed a cocoon and a monarch butterfly coming out….then straightening it’s wings, then opening its wings and then flying off. Interesting night. See ya tomorrow….nightie night friends. 12:22am = 7 = Holy.

When I woke….this was posted on my FB wall: “God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using Time and Pressure. He’s working on You too.” Then, I look out the kitchen window and see a roadrunner. I’ve never seen a roadrunner in my yard, so I looked it up. Ability to take fast changes. Jeesh. Oh…..not only that….but I started a story last night. Just flowed like a waterfall sparkling in the sun. No table of contents…no bulletlist of what the story would be about…in fact….no storyline whatsoever. Over a thousand words in and Jesse says he LOVeS it! Yippee! I haven’t read it back…..I’m just gonna pick up where I left off and GO. I literally wrote it…in the moment…just like The Wiggles.

Well, today I had to go to two towns and run errands for hubby. So, no shearing. Again. We are expecting severe storms with possible tornados later on, so we went early. The winds were so strong, the car was being blown around the road and there weren’t even any storms then. Got my smoothie and it is melting with me, here in the Rv. Am planning to move Wywy today, back to the boys. It’s been a full month…well, tomorrow, but with a storm…I’d rather him not decide who gets in the house. Course, this is dependent on Jesse helping me…if he’s in the mood. He was excited to work on his music when we got back. We argued yesterday so I gave some shots by myself and it pulled my back out….trying to straddle a goat and hold her in that position….WHILE I inserted the needle. I got all but 2 in that pen….alone. One was biting and the other I gave a shot, but needle wasn’t really in, so meds oozed out. I’m not about to try to move a bucky buck alone. Speaking of bucky bucks…..I had to put Khalifa down again last night. Gotta nip this in the bud before he gets much bigger. He just wants to take on everyone…including me…..and the little girls. Told ya he was all buck. Well….I haven’t heard the death count…but it sounds like there were pockets of miracles in yesterdays storms. If it’s not your time…it’s not your time. Tonight I’ll be praying for us Texans as storms come upon us. Signing off with Faith, Gratefulness and Love…. at YeeHaw Ranch. Looks like they just might miss us.

And I wish someone was there to listen… and I walked all around town but couldn’t find anyone…
So I drank, drinking wishing that someone would be some dealer giving me heroine to put an actual end to all that’s taking me down, for one night.

But you know too what it means to wish for something even if bad, it doesn’t go anywhere… 

So I drank.

And so I thought of this guy from my home town who, last night, hanged himself.
And on the same night a friend of a friend killed someone apparently… and another friend of a friend jumped off a bridge… all within 36 hours, all within a 2 miles radius.

And it’s not their cases that brought me down and here tonight, it’s what caused it.

In a world where only the days off are the ones when you can feel free from the anxieties that obsess your life, the last freedom you can look forward to seems to be death.

It’s ridiculous, people shouldn’t be driven to that.

And don’t tell me things like I should have helped cause it’s not my fault they took their lives or someone else’s… cause I couldln’t and cause you shouldn’t have.

Cause you should have never reacted badly to someone who was doing his/her job.
Cause you shouldn’t have made fun of that fat person.
Cause you shouldn’t have not thought about that person’s feelings.
Cause you shouldn’t have elevated yourself above your fellows.
Cause you shouldn’t have brought me here to write this.

Any victim is a hero, any suicidal has sent the deepest message, any desperate has showed you what life ends up being in this world, a world that doesn’t deserve to be and that won’t be for long. 

We signed our own epitaph because we decided not to learn, not to find the minimum common denominator.

we can only harvest what we’ve planted… and unless we decide to learn what’s the best use of it, we will only be left with something useless, even if (relatively ) beautiful.

i am not their, i do not sleep.

I am the wind that blows, i am the diamonds

that glints on snow.

I am the sunshine on a spring morning,

i am as gentle as a autumn rain.

you,ll awaken to the birds a signing

i am the stars that shine bright

on a cold winter night.

Don’t stand at my grave and

cry i am not their.

I did not die

i am the shadow of darkness

]]> http://varietytopics.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/fear-of-failure/ Tue, 21 May 2013 23:55:00 +0000 Life Experiences http://varietytopics.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/fear-of-failure/ It’s overwhelming sometimes. I’ve never dealt with it very well. As I have grown older and now have a family, responsibilities and a career, I have more to lose and feel like it could all go away in a minute. I have enjoyed my career off and on, the highs have been nice but the lows have been awful and driven me to depression and panic. The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway has been great for me but I struggle to always live by it when things get bad. I wish I could be at peace more often and “just go with the flow”. I have so much to be thankful for. Others must be going through what I’m going through. I know many people put up a front and you rarely see behind the curtain. But I feel very alone to deal with my problems. Do you have a good support system? Who is in it?

When I was young I didn’t have the same kind of boundaries that other kids had. It made me fearless and over confident. I was shy around those I didn’t know, but I didn’t care what they thought, so I was just myself. I ran around with the few friends I had, and I did whatever I wanted, and most of the time I even stayed out of trouble. I wasn’t overly rebellious anyway.

Friends would comment on my freedoms, divulge what they would do if they had my ‘power,’ and dream of the day they wouldn’t have to ask permission to do the sort of things I did. CRAZY things like leaving the yard without telling their parents! I used to think it was because my mother trusted me, but later found out that, whether or not she did, wasn’t the reason, but that to some level she just… didn’t care.

I never meant to stagnate.

Teenage years bring hormones with them, and I soon was amidst my adolescent rebellion. Eventually, sibling rivalry reached a new stage, and I was slammed with constant put downs – name calling, good-for-nothing, lazy – What I did do was never good enough for certain parties in the house, and the walls were closing in quickly. My mother didn’t do much to stop it from happening though, and so the rest of us ran through the battlefield.

The overconfidence I once had was diminished greatly, and it only added to my not wanting to do anything, but be on the computer or out with friends. Being home wasn’t something I wanted, and most of the time, still do not want.

Even so, I thought my mother was great. She supported the house on the little she had. The things she had to do for her whole life, so we could have a chance in this world. I damn near worshiped my mother like a god.

Through the years my confidence hit rock bottom, I didn’t do anything I wasn’t explicitly told to do, and even then I lacked the motivation to do anything I wanted. I failed at school, I went to work, and then went out with friends. I was only at  home to sleep, and even then not very often. The berating that had plagued my teenage years followed me, but I thought I could escape it. I still have not.

When my self esteem couldn’t get any lower, the only thing that had ever been perceived as constant was ripped away from me. But it was done slowly. Painfully. And I had to watch every second of it. My mother died. I checked for her pulse, and upon not finding it, I no longer felt anything.

I went into a depressive rage for a few weeks. I spent any and all money I had, I did a lot of things I now regret, and I went pretty wild, or as wild as I get. Then it all stopped. The sadness fought it’s way through the numbness, and then all I could do was cry. If I was alone, I was crying. I stopped being productive, and shut myself into my room. I pushed my sadness into other areas of my life, and I devolved into an angsty teenager, like I needed to relive though years for some reason.

At first I did nothing. I went to work, I came home, I went to sleep. Or didn’t sleep, I couldn’t usually tell if there was a difference.  A year went by, and I remember none of it.

Anytime my siblings wanted to take a step forward collectively I would latch onto something else, and pull us back. Cleaning out part of the house has been the first step since, and there’s been very little accomplished. Not because my sister has not tried, but because I would not.

Every time something was found I would stare at it and be so overwhelmed that I couldn’t keep going. I was not allowed to “clean” the garage. Last summer I attempted to clean the basement. This is something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. In the beginning it was difficult, but to get through it, I had to turn off a lot of feelings and I ended up just throwing away most of everything I picked up. I never finished it, because after a while I could no longer feel myself.

It was like I was throwing away everything my mother had worked for. Even if it was complete trash. Coupled with every time I reveled in some memory, I was pretty much told that I was remembering everything wrong. I couldn’t accomplish anything because I couldn’t let go, and I was being told how wrong my memories were.

Sometimes, though, this depressive rage IS how I accomplish things. I get so caught up in a memory that I am conflicted that I just need to get it out. I cannot do anything else until I do that one task. That is how this happened today:  picture one, picture two

It was so surreal. One second I was checking the rhubarb. Then I was raking up grass clippings to act as a mulch. Then before I even caught up I had a bunch of tools and was pulling the fence off the deck. It’s was like lightning. As I became more lost, I became more violent in my disassembling process. I don’t know how long I was like that, but I snapped out of it, just as fast.

I became conflicted between this is what I have to do, and this is destroying things from my past. The pool has been out of commission for easily ten or twelve years. But when I look at it… I remember my childhood. I remember swimming with my cousins, and I remember when my mother had to do some physical therapy and would swim with us. Memories that I cherish. The rage is from being so angry for being so sad.

I never meant to stagnate.

But that is what I did. I fell so hard that I had been lying in the dirt for the better part of my adulthood. So much so that I do not and have never felt like an adult. I’ve been stuck in these memories trying to justify my past, when what I need to do is just sit up, and stop laying with my head in the ground.

When my mother first died, we had discussed as a family, briefly between screaming matched, about making a little garden in the yard. Just a nice place for her to be with us. My goal this summer is to complete that, but I think they only way I can do that is to do it on my own, and I don’t have a very good track record with doing things that matter on my own accord.

She didn’t necessarily want me to the most successful person in the world.

She just didn’t want me to be this.

I never meant to stagnate.

Night..

If it quacks like a duck and acts like a duck….don’t excuse it for a goose

This blog is for all of you concerned parents or loved ones out there who may not understand drugs or addiction. I hope this blog finds you, and finds you well.
I’m asking ALL READERS, that if you have any experience with ADDERALL at all, or if this blog personally helped you reach the next step PLEASE comment below with your experience. The more to read, the better!

MOM,
It’s an “average” day, as average as any for our crazy daily lives, the kids are finally off to school and your husband is gone for work. Once your morning coffee has kicked in you turn up the news loud enough so you can hear the TV while you do something productive around the house. And then the tone of the day changes; you find some sort of pill in your child’s bedroom (This happens to most parents at one point in time) What do you do?

ONCE YOU FIND THE PILL…
There is a wonderfully helpful website that will help you. Go to the Pill Identifier at http://www.drugs.com where you will type in the color, size, and individual letters & numbers on the pill. This will lead you to exactly what the drug is. When this happens to you I pray you only are finding an Ibuprofen, or even a Birth Control (although shocking, count your lucky stars!) but if you dont know much about the medicine then you need to research it as much as possible.

A lot of teenagers are really good kids, but even the best kind of person can be caught vulnerable. Adderall, for most users, started out being that “Acception Drug”. This means that the person doesn’t usually do drugs or drink but the high is so perfect that, for this, they will make an acception.

Adderall (Addy’s, Vivanse) is a HUGE problem in schools all over the world. 78% of school goers admit to at least trying the drug. SEVENTY EIGHT percent, yes you read that right! That is a STRONG percentage! It’s an intensely high number for a little pill that comes with an intensely popular high. Addy’s are starting to form the name, the “Study Drug” as a lot of school goers use Adderall to study and “focus”. The worst part about Adderall is that is DOES improve all functions temporarily, causing a quick addiction.

WHAT IS ADDERALL? AND WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL
Adderall is a hugely popular pill originally made for people with ADHD. It works by affecting brain chemicals causing a surge of focus, concentration, and energy for several hours and sometime times even days in some people. (Have you ever seen on TV a Meth Addict/Crack Addict pick at their face for hours on end? They are so focused that they need something to do) Adderall is most popular in its Orange Capsule with the “beads” inside that supposedly make it harder to snort (HA!! Yea right!)
To be blunt, Adderall is basically the exact same thing as Crack only it’s cheaper and the high lasts longer.
People who use and abuse Adderall will get a massive rush of energy followed by an even stronger crash. After you take the pill it will take about 20minutes to an hour for it to kick in, you will suddenly feel energetic (more and more as the hours go by) and then the next thing you know, your more energetic than you imagined, and you NEED something to focus in on. A person on Adderall will clench their jaw for the entire high and chain smoke of they are regular smokers. The high isn’t quick, it will last all day long from one pill. Adderall is so dangerous in the fact that you WILL be able to completely zone in on your homework and study for hours upon hours, allowing yourself to catch up completely and/or ace the exams only to go home and spotlessly clean your house. It’s rare that someone sleeps on Addys, causing them to hallucinate the next day.
When a person takes an Adderall, their neurotransmitters [in the brain] do not function normally for a little while and THIS is exactly what makes you crave more. Before you know it, you’ve been in a 2 week binge and you cannot afford to “crash” for 2/3 days due to the fact that you have to go to school or work, ect and you need more Adderall to function….and then your an addict. EVERY SINGLE ADDICT (I repeat, every single one of them) thinks that they are the one acception to this and they will not become addicted, and they always do.
Adderall also increases all stimulation. The brain is gushing out Endorphines, causing Euphoria and a wonderful happy feeling. Adderall makes most peoples sexual appetite stronger as well.
Adderall is also hugely popular as a diet pill as you can go days and days without any food and still have awesome energy levels.

But do not let any of this entice you, what comes up must go down, right? And the higher up you go, the further you must fall. The high from Adderall is so very high that the crash is quite miserable, and you do NOT have to be an addict at all to crash. After several days with zero sleep or food, your body will be extremely exhausted but your mind is still racing which makes it so you cannot sleep. This “Tired but Wired” end of the high is AWEFUL, don’t make any mistake! It will take you quite a long time before you’re able to sleep so then when you DO fall asleep you will sleep for a long time. After you come down from an Adderall high your jaw will hurt so badly you will question if you were beaten up, you will have a pretty bad headache, and you will also be very grumpy. The hangover from Adderall lasts a very long time.

♥

it can laugh.  it can cry.

♥

it can give.  it can receive.

♥

it can ache.  it can thrive.

♥

it can break.  it can be repaired.

♥

it can inspire.  it can frustrate.

♥

it can trust.  it can doubt.

♥

it can be aloof.  it can be present.

♥

it can believe.  it can reject.

♥

it can be warm.  it can be cold.

♥

it can be restless.  it can be smart.

♥

it can lie.  it can be genuine.

♥

it can love.

BUT

it cannot hate.

♥

♥

my heart can be thrown away

BUT

it cannot be forgotten.

♥

the heart of ‘que

a post script:  The boys and I went to dinner on Friday night.  A celebration for the life of our dearest loving friend, who by the way, loved barbecue.  The four of us had many a dinner of bbq this and bbq that and whatever else could be que’d.  What you see above was sitting on the top of my open-faced sandwich (pulled barbecue chicken).  The boys and I took one look at it and thought, humph, could it be?  Could it be a little sign from above saying hi and that everything will be okay?  Yes, I know, it sounds so silly and I promise I am not going to try to sell it on Ebay as some sort of religious token, but I am going to keep it.  It is currently drying out in the refrigerator:)

I got this new tattoo. It’s my first and I absolutely adore it. It’s so personal to me and I don’t think I could ever fully explain how much this scripture means to me or how deeply the anchor represents something so important to me.

I’ve been going through a lot recently and it’s only by His Grace that I am here.

The writing says Psalm 48:14

which I have taken personally as my motto

“This God, is MY God forever and ever, and he will guide me until I die”.

Honestly, I couldn’t do it without him.

He knows all my ‘DIRTY LAUNDRY’ yet he’s still riding it out with me.

Believeeee dat!

An important skill for managing stress, coping with anxiety or preventing burnout is knowing how to relax! This involves recognizing the fact that you need to relax. Yes, that means you, little miss/mister “I like to be this busy”! It also means setting aside the time to relax and identifying the techniques/activities that work for you.

Does everyone need to relax? Yes they do. It is a physiological and emotional need. Our bodies tell us when it’s time to sleep. We feel tired, have trouble concentrating, become irritable and are less productive. Similar cues occur when our mind needs a break, although, we are quick to dismiss these signs.  If we ignore the need for physical sleep for too long, we begin to see serious physical health problems. The same is true with mental rest! One of these easiest preventative tools for becoming overwhelmed or feeling burned out is to make a point of relaxing on a regular basis, i.e. give your brain a break from organizing life, analyzing problems, and searching for solutions. A fresh brain does a better job with these tasks anyway.

So, make a point to set aside some time on a regular basis to relax. This might be a daily or weekly event. I have known some people, say single Moms, who set aside some time immediately when they come home from work. The family has been made aware, this 30 minutes is off limits! They learn the routine, and they get a nicer response from you once you’ve decompressed a little. Maybe weekly is more your speed. I know men who go fishing for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday to recharge their batteries for the week. If you’re like me, you need a daily come-home-from-work break and a weekly decompressing and recreational break. Either way, set aside the time!

Once you have identified your relaxation schedule, you’ll want a plan for how to spend that time. Maybe, when you come home from work, you spend 30-60 minutes: listening to music, walking around the neighborhood, watching T.V., surfing the web, social networking or playing scrabble (Words With Friends?) online. Yeah, I do that last one. You may even develop a nightly ritual of performing a relaxation technique each night before bed that involves progressive muscle relaxation, breathing techniques or guided imagery. These techniques are very effective, but they do require practice to make them work. You may also spend a few hours on the weekend doing something fun like fishing, reading a book in the park, sitting in the sand on the beach, play some ball with friends or engaged in some hobby like building models. I personally like to sit on the beach on a Sunday evening for a couple of hours. I often go with a group of friends who are playing volley ball, but I sit in my chair with my toes in the sand and just close my eyes. I focus on the soothing summer breeze and the sound of the waves. I can feel the stress ebbing away.

Look at your schedule, and set aside the time to take care of your mind. Even if you are a Type A, I must be doing something person, wouldn’t you like to wake up and look on your itinerary and see, “Go to the beach”? Remember that a driven person is more productive when they are well rested and managing their stress well. It also makes you a more pleasant person to be around. Make the time to relax, and your coworkers and family members will thank you!

I don’t ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

It’s been a week since we arrived home from our whirlwind trip to the US.

Whilst the trip was full of exciting and interesting things to do and wonderful new friends made, it was not without it’s challenges.  Within days of arriving, long standing medical conditions which I thought had been resolved, reared there ugly heads.  Just 6 weeks prior to travel, I had surgery to correct a problem which had plagued me for a many years. My doctor lead me to believe that all was well and I could expect no further problems.  This was not the case. What I had hoped to be a medical problem free adventure, turned into a very trying and troubling physical concern.

Having been home a week now, I had hoped that the stress of travel would have settled things down and retuned things to normal, but this has not been the case as yet.  Yes, things have improved… well some things.  Some things not.

With a personality already prone to depression, this week as been difficult.  Unfortunately not just for me, but for those poor folk around me, and for that I must apologise.  I am an extremely passionate person and I never feel anything by halves.  If I am happy, I am ecstatic… if not, then watch out.  I just don’t know how to feel anything in moderation.

So true to style, this morning I made a decision.  The pendulum has swung the other way.

Come hell or high water… I am getting it back.  All of it.  Everything I lost during this trip.. I am claiming it back.  The improvements in my health and vitality.  The clear skin.  The shiny hair.  The positive hopeful outlook.  I am getting it back!  I have no idea how exactly.  What it will take, I just don’t know.  But I WILL do it.  I have done it before.  Way too many time to count.  Every time I get my health back, I believe in my soul that it will stay for good this time, and that has never been the case.  Something happens.  Some stress.  Some issue.  Something makes me lose it all again… but you know what… I always get it back.  And I will again.

God, I am stupid and pathetic.

Now it’s a battle of wills.

He started talking about the appliance repair.

I changed the subject. He has taught me well.

I mentioned my situation with all the ruined food due to the broken fridge.

He completely blows me off, doesn’t even offer me a dollar to feed my kid.

Self absorbed doesn’t begin to cover it.

So now I am kicking myself for allowing myself to be manipulated. Other than ordering a part and fetching his beer, there was no need for me to be there. He had Kenny yesterday and did just fine. But Kenny wasn’t there today so suddenly I was needed. I don’t think it matters who it is, R just doesn’t want to be alone at the shop. Not to mention, he fed Kenny decent take out. Like actually food cooked at a restaurant, not just thawed and thrown on a grill. I almost never get that.

It makes my position on the food chain exactly where I thought it was.

I am slightly below the fucking mail man and that customer who wants everything done for free which he does because it’s “too much hassle” to try to charge him.

Damn it, what is wrong with me?

I tried to confide in my stepmonster. She said, “Do what YOU want to do.” No doubt she ran to tell my dad who will give me an endless rant on what a great guy R is and how I owe him and I need to do something to support my kid and blah blah blah…I heard the same with the Donor, who dad and his brethren thought had rainbows sprouting from  his keister.

Sometimes, I swear the ONLY person who is on my side is me. I keep getting knives in the back from everyone else. It shouldn’t be surprising but since I have changed so much, I live with the hope they have, as well. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Pathetic.

Tomorrow I think I am going to go passive aggressive and not answer the phone. Fuck him. Let his little moochie pooch be his bitch. All I learned today was that being around R makes me desperately want to drink because it is the ONLY way I can tolerate him in large doses without wanting to hang myself. I don’t wanna be passive aggressive since I loathe that sort of behavior…But having been completely and bluntly honest and getting nowhere, it seems like the only option left open if I don’t want to have my mood crash from stable to “oh god kill me now.” which is kinda how I feel right now after dealing with the self absorbed man.

No coincidences. He is toxic to me. Whether it is my fault or his fault or a combination…I think I need to do something to change things.

I just don’t know what, or how to avoid being manipulated other than to completely avoid him.

He makes me feel so lousy about myself, and for what? Because I don’t want to be his mini me?

People = pain.

Except my kid. She annoys me, but mostly, she makes me realize what I am still breathing for. Hope. Hope that there is more to life than stress and people who don’t give a damn about me other than what I can do to make their life easier.

I just have to figure out why…

Why am I so pathetic?

Dragonfly and I talked about DBT and what we would try to work on this summer. We started talking about some of the skills that would or wouldn’t seem as important to me and my life. I am still really confused about how DBT is actually supposed to help.

Well, today I went to my internship and my residential life job for the first times, and they went fine. The internship at the Publishing house is actually pretty sweet, and the res life job is easy.

I also woke up sick as a dog today. My throat is so sore and I’m so tired and achy. On top of all that it was so hot and humid today, I just wanted to cry. I want to be in an air conditioned house, lay on the coach with a blanket, and watch cartoons until I feel better. If this keeps up I won’t get anything done and I won’t be ready for my parents visit this weekend.

Maybe when I see her on Thursday, Dragonfly and I can just chill in her office for real this time. Like I’ll actually bring the coloring stuff or maybe I’ll just play my gameboy while she does whatever she wants.

This Sunday, I had coffee with L, a friend from high school that I had always admired for her grace and maturity. L is very funny, and she never fails to make me laugh with sharp observations that are somehow also warm and kind. While we have been out of touch for a few years, talking to her was a comforting reminder that all of us, including me, are worth being cared for in spite of our failings. We are in similar places in our lives, at the beginning of our graduate programs (she just finished her first year of medical school, and I will be starting law school this fall).

I learned that she has been with a guy she met in Washington, where she was working before school, for about two years now. ”I keep waiting for the honeymoon phase to end, but it just isn’t,” she said, laughing. “It’s nice, because I haven’t really had that before. I’m usually just like, ‘Let’s date! It will be an experience.’ But right now it’s like, ‘You’re the best. Let’s hold hands!’”

I’ve felt my share of envy at what others have–their success, their beauty, or the respect that others give them. When I was unhappy a few years ago, I felt that envy intensely, all the time. Yet I have only ever looked to someone else as a role model a few times. Everyone has something to teach, but it’s special to come across someone and think, “That’s right. This person got something important completely right about how I should live.” Those moments are keys. They make me realize that there’s a way forward, as though I’ve been feeling blindly along a wall and suddenly touch a door.

I’m telling this story because I was thinking about this season of Mad Men (I know this is an annoying segue, but I hope you’ll bear with me). The first episode was called “Doorways,” and we got a great nihilistic quote from Roger about transitional moments.

What are the events in life? It’s like you see a door. The first time you come to it, you say, ‘What’s on the other side of the door?’ Then you open a few doors, and you say, ‘I think I want to go over the bridge this time. I’m tired of doors.’ Finally you go through one of these things, you realize that’s all there are: doors, and windows, and bridges and gates. And they all open the same way. And they all close behind you. Look, life is supposed to be a path, and you go along, and these things happen to you, and they’re supposed to change you, change your direction. But it turns out that’s not true. Turns out the experiences are nothing. They’re just some pennies you pick up off the floor, stick in your pocket. You’re just going in a straight line to You Know Where.

We have a new year, another new company, and accelerating social change, as indicated by the male characters’ amazing new facial hair. And we also see disappointing or mixed results as some old changes play out, from Roger facing his two ex-wives at his mother’s funeral to Don checking out of his marriage to Megan, like he did with his own ex-wife. Many of these changes are about connection, the hope that you can be transformed through the love and understanding of others. The company results from a merger, and “Reach Out of the Darkness” is the song that plays over the scene driving home Don’s alienation from his wife screencapped above. “I think it’s so groovy now / that people are finally getting together,” Friend & Lover sings over a bouncy beat. “Reach out in the darkness / and you you may find a friend.”

This seemed like pretty dark layering to me. We see the end of Don’s hope to find happiness with Megan, whom he had at first seen as his partner in a potentially much more intimate, truthful, and equal relationship than anything he had tried before. At the same time, we hear an anthem of the generation that is leaving him behind. More personally, I thought about how the sexual revolution, as well as the calls for individual freedom, have played out up to now. People are freer to say and do whatever and whoever they want, and I would prefer to live now instead of back then because I value that freedom. Yet the results of the movement have included what I think of as the opposite of love, really–the loneliness that comes with sometimes divorcing emotion from sex, and likely an increase in sexual violence, if I can go by experiences in college and right after. These characters are alone and conflicted in ways that very much fit into the period, yet we love to watch them not because they are alien, but because they are like us. If you’re already lost, making your world bigger might not help you.

For a couple of years there, I thought there would be nothing behind the next door, or the one after that. I was doing whatever I could to escape my immediate self-hatred and pain, or sometimes my quiet lack of any feelings, with the expectation that soon, the problem would come back. After all, it always had, for a good while before that.

This is all to say that I’ve realized that I don’t believe that anymore. It starts on the inside: thoughts and actions are largely a product of habit. My habitual ways of thinking about how I look, my work, and how to respond to other people inform a thousand moments of my day, and the repetition enforces them even more. One of my favorite bloggers wrote that when she was pregnant, she had wanted to do a lot of things differently from her own mom as she raised her child. However, she found that day-to-day, she couldn’t do it. There were so many things to take care of that she found herself reverting to her programming, which was what she had been taught, over and over, as a child. And I’ve found that when nursing someone back from bad times, you’re most effective if you’re there day in, day out–if you gently show your friendship through your everyday actions again and again.

So now I’ve come home for a while before school, and maybe it’s a chance to figure out what my habits are, how I can learn to live well with them or change them. And I feel very fortunate for what I have realized so far about where I come from. I was saying to L that it was great to be home, and she agreed. “No one’s attacking me, and it’s green,” she said. “What was I complaining about?” (She currently lives in a notoriously dangerous city.) But more than that, humility, a sense of joy in the everyday, family, and valuing everyone just the same as a human being, with his own strengths and weaknesses–that’s the ethos of our community, built as an experiment “model town” for factory workers and now driven by employment at the teaching hospital. I’m grateful that I have this to carry with me when I go back to school, which will probably be a competitive place where my classmates and I will very much want each other to validate our decisions.

And here’s the song, because who doesn’t like that.

I miss him already.

It’s sad but it’s true. That’s the problem with long distance relationships. I don’t see him for ages, and then I see him 24/7 for a few days, and then he’s gone again. There is no normal because it’s all or nothing. Of course I talk to him a lot and I am glad I’m with him but sometimes it’s so hard.

Especially after finding out about the ex on Thursday night. It opened up a whole new can of worms… the self-doubt, not feeling good enough, the shame, the guilt, the whys and what-ifs…

And I cried a lot while he was here. I got scared easily. I always do. It’s pathetic.

And then the spiders in the night. (See my previous post!)

So much anxiety. So much self-doubt. Self consciousness. Fear. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me.

And now he’s gone again. And I’m scared. I don’t know why, I don’t know how to make this stop. 

We had such a nice few days together. Walks in the park, along the canal. We went climbing together and I managed to do the hardest route I’ve ever done. We went for a lovely meal and on my birthday we went out for drinks with lots of my friends. It was lovely and perfect and I wish it didn’t have to end.

I guess I realised this weekend how much I hate being away from him, how hard it is, how much I care.

And now I’m panicking.

I don’t even know what’s wrong.

I can hear all the criticisms in my mind: you’re pathetic, he only left today and you’re crying. How are you going to survive being in Germany when he’s still in England? You are weak, useless. He is going to leave you when he realises what you’re really like. No one could really love you.

I am going to try using my safe space and grounding techniques to calm me down before bed. Tomorrow I’ll write about this week’s CBT.

I’ll be ok.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Funny. I was talking to someone the other day about it. We were talking about how people just do not get it to the extent that it is life consuming.

So often I hear that you just `get over it“  Um NO it is not that easy. I was in therapy for it for 2 years. We got to a point where I was halting myself because I was not comfortable with the treatments. I could go in and talk about stuff for an hour. Hell I even did different written things.

When we started regression  therapy, that was it. It brought everything back like it had just happened. Everything that ever went wrong to put me in that position….seemed seconds old. I could not take it. I did try a few times to get through a whole session with it. But it was breaking my spirit even more.

Adding to my depression was not something I needed. I was already pretty highly medicated. Almost at the maximum doses for them all. I explained to my therapist that it was not possible for me to do anymore, that I had pushed myself to see if it would help. She understood and said I had made some amazing progress in 2 years of faithful sessions. With that being said and done, there was nothing else I was going to be able to get from therapy for now.

I have been done with therapy sessions for close to a year now. I have been doing ok. My panic and anxiety attacks are not as often. I still do not go out as often as I used to. In the long run. I am making it all work the best I can.

I think still coming to terms with having lupus…..I was told 7 years ago now….I am still in denial. But my body is shutting more and more now. I tire far to fast and just have not been able to feel `normal` .

I am far from normal these days. My arthritis is so hard on my body. I would not mind so much if it was in just my arms or hips……but whole body bilateral ostio arthritis hits me hard daily. I think that’s why I tire so fast. I can not take pain killers all the time. I am not able to take regular ones, even Tylenol 3`s don’t work. Now if I take something it is Oxy Codone (spelling…..) I hate it, it helps take the pain away but the side affects are the worst.

Night sweats, chills and the worst nightmares ever……….cant do that all the time, not to mention it is a hard core narcotic.

If you told me 30 years ago, I would be close to 39 years old and have had 11 surgeries in 10.5 years and arthritis in everything and lupus I would have laughed. It seems un imaginable when you step back and look at it.

I have tried to find something to do so I get my mind off stuff…………but I don’t know what that is yet.

I need to remember that with Jason and the girls, things are going to be fine. Both girls are growing up so quickly. Carys is almost 10 and Clara will be 13 this summer. I have so much to be thankful for, I need to remember that. I have had some stuff happen to me that would have killed others, it almost killed me but I have been a fighter………but never wanted to say I was a fighter because I never even thought I was doing that correctly.

Second guessing myself with a side of self loathing has always been `me`. It is an ugly habit that I have been really good at. Where my self esteem went I have no idea. I don’t think I ever had any.

This turned out to be a hot mess of a post……shocker. I need coffee.

That got me thinking about the nature versus nurture issue. Are we a product of our environment or are we following in the footsteps of our gene pool? What is that spark of energy that makes us passionate about an activity? As a child I was always into art and creating. My mind would shut off (and still does) the moment I would start coloring. I felt at peace and incredibly comforted. Why is that? What about someone who is into martial arts where when they’re on the mat their mind shuts off and they go with physical instinct which feels like second nature? Where does that initial spark come from? What drives that passion?

That got me thinking about everything that led to where I am right now writing this blog. I realized that every learning milestone has led me to this moment. As a kid I was always really depressed so I have worked with a fair share of shrinks. As a result of the help I felt I received from them I ended up studying psychology in college. One of the most enlightening courses I took was a basic communications class. After I graduated I went into a career role where that basic communications class led the way to my success in that role. A big portion of what I have to do as an “operations expert” is communicate workflows to associates in order for them to effectively do their jobs. I gotta say I am the WOMAN when it comes to this stuff. Give me an Ikea dresser and I’ll have that thing built for you in 15 min. I can read, write, follow directions like the best of them and it all came down to that communications class.

So now here I am writing this blog, a project that forces me to “create” each day. Where my mind shuts off and I go on instinct. This blog allows me to communicate with you  the step by step process i’ve gone through to connect to my Source (God). It also allows me to tap into human nature, feelings, thoughts and their effect on our behavior ( hmmm like psychology?). Well damn! What was driving me to get here? Was I genetically predisposed to do this? Was it my environment that nurtured me to get here?

I think it was both. I think I was biologically predisposed to think this way. I feel that my environment did nurture this talent. I also believe (this is gonna be nutty) that there is a running energy that sparked my motivations to get to where I am right now. I feel that this energy guided me to these experiences and allowed my potential to unfold organically. I feel that every learning moment was not haphazard. I see the actions that led me to this moment and I feel that I was propelled to be here. I have to explain that I didn’t have a schedule outlined for the goals in my life.

It surprises me when I think of how I was led to the places I was led to. I never researched my college and was surprised when I found out it was a pretty respected college. I never researched what studying psychology would entail in school I just picked it. I never researched the company I work for — my cousin referred me and I took the job gladly because I needed the money. I never gave much thought to anything! Looking back I feel like I shrugged through life — like something pointed me in a direction and I just shrugged and said, “duhhhh okee I guess I’ll do that”. Then all of those truly clueless moments led me to writing this blog.

So whose vision am I really following? I have free will of course. I just can’t help to think that perhaps my desires, my passions, my joys in life were strung together by this higher energy for the purpose of teaching what I have learned. I think we all have a purpose in this life and I believe that slowly but surely we’re all getting pushed towards that purpose. It’s nice being led to my purpose.