The Road Now

This soul reaches and finds

Friendship is not always what it appears to be

Must I give up who I want to be

Must you own what you think I am

Can I be who I want to be

A visit to the wise man tells me

This soul is weary

This soul needs peace

This soul finds none

Roots elude me

The Road Now

That time of year is fast approaching. Even faster for those of you in the States, with your special Holiday this week.

Now that Spring Racing is finished here, we are on the downhill run to Christmas. Every shop I go into is covered in Christmas shyte. Every shop is having pre-Christmas sales. The local department store has its famous Christmas windows up and running.

The streets aren’t quite drowning in giant trees and sparkly baubles yet. But they will be. The incessant headache-making carols haven’t started in earnest. But they will.

I know this time of year is incredibly triggering for many of us. I wish we could all bunker down somewhere safe and non-triggery and let this time pass. Even have a happy time together in a world where Christmas doesn’t exist – where there are no trees, no lights, and no merry freakin’ carols blasting in the shops.

I am hoping I am healed enough this year to get through unscathed. Or at least less scathed than last year.

This year I’m going to try to do things a little differently.

There’s a guy at work who does the Santa routine. He gives me the creeps. He uses the opportunity to have all the women sit on his knee and give him a kiss or to pinch them on the bottom. Yuck.  Most years I freeze in fear that he’ll come near me. This year I’m going to try to take control back from Creepy Santa and run to the toilet when he comes to my area. Probably not the “best” response – and certainly not as good as telling Creepy Santa to keep his hands off me – but all I can do at the moment. (This guy has a disability and I don’t think he means any of it in a creepy way.)

This year I’m going to spend as little time as possible in shops that are bursting with Festive Cheer. I’m determined not to go to any department stores, no matter how wonderful their windows. This year I’m doing my shopping differently. I’m shopping in local stores and buying things that are hand-made and either come to me in the mail, or from markets where the Festive Cheer generally isn’t so sick-making. I might even try to make some things myself.

This year I’m going to try to convince my family that we don’t need enough food to feed a small African nation when there are just three of us. I have recently discovered an enjoyment of cooking so I might even suggest I cook something “nice” – possibly some things from the man I now consider my favourite chef, even if they’re not very Festive (though I still want my mother to make her shortbread and yo-yos, they are too too yummy to pass up!). 

This year I’m going to try not to get too caught up in any of this Festive shyte. I’m going to try not to pressure myself. I’m even going to see if I can enjoy moments – long summer nights, long summer nights with friends, lying in the gardens at lunchtime, indulging in things I enjoy, like cooking and photography.

This year I’m hoping things can be different.

PS  I am still grappling with and confused/conflicted about the work stuff. Stay tuned.

I know I’ve been totally AWOL for the last couple of days and for that I am sorry. This is what I’ve been up to instead of writing.

Wednesday I had the day off and got a lot of grad school work done. I also met up with a dear friend who actually listened to everything I’m going through and said all the right things in response. I felt so much better after meeting with her, it was almost as good as therapy, and free!

Thursday I continued to get a lot of grad school work done. At the end of a productive morning I got very upset that I didn’t understand that next assignment and would fall behind again waiting to get clarification from my professor. I kind of lost it but Mi.Vida talked me down. By the time I was showered and dressed I felt much better for Thanksgiving at Mi.Vida’s parents house. It was a fun night full of loving family and good food. We walked home afterward and watched a movie upon our return. All in all it was a good day.

Today we continued some house cleaning that started Wednesday. The apartment is in much better shape, though it could use a considerable amount of additional work. Still, at least we got started. I had an echocardiograph appointment today. The genetist at Kaiser wanted me to get one because my sister has a small hole between her two ventricals and my other sister, who died only a month after birth, also had serious heart complications. I’ve never had any trouble with my heart (that I know of) but I guess they wanted to make sure. It was an easy 25 minute exam with an ultrasound. I was hoping the tech could show us a quick picture of Frijolito but he said the probe on the machine was not “good enough” to get a picture of the baby. I was sad because its been a long time since Mi.Vida has seen our little bean, and I’m always grateful to get some confirmation that things are going okay.

The trip to the hospital was actually really tough. It was the same building we were in for part of our ED stay during the ectopic. I walked right by the sonogram room where they confirmed that there was nothing in my uterus and an unknown mass in my fallopian tube. That was the only part of that day I was alone, and it was horrible. Being there again was very upsetting. That, coupled with the fact that we were not able to check on Frijolito at the hospital was very difficult. I left feeling emotionally drained and very anxious once again.

We didn’t have a lot of time after that to get ready for Thanksgiving Part Deux at my folks house. Again we enjoyed family and amazing food. We just got home and are getting the place ready for a guest who will be staying while we’re away, while we pack ourselves up for our little trip. We’re heading to Weaverville in the morning. It will be a long drive (5 hours) for a short trip (24 hours) but I really need to just get out of dodge for a while. I feel like if I’m home I’ll be cleaning house, inputting grades and writing papers until Sunday night, and I need to not be doing any of those things for at least a little while. Besides, I love car trips with Mi.Vida. Maybe we’ll finally finish our unabridged CD copy of Under the Banner of Heaven!

I hope you’re all having a good Thanksgiving weekend. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I have felt that gratitude these past few days. I’ve also felt depression and anxiety and I’m trying to carve out a place for myself as I learn how I’m responding to all of this. I know only I can make the decisions necessary to enact change and I hope this little trip will help clarify what that needs to be.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Two Thanksgivings = two chances to eat stuffing. Stuffing if one of my favorite foods and I only get to eat it once a year. Man, did I eat a lot of stuffing in the past 24 hours.

Calgary Flames 3 – Detroit Red Wings 0

The depression sets in.  Embrace the darkness.  The dawn must come eventually…

Sad Mickey, the dog, knows how you feel.

It’s too tough to do a review of tonight’s game.  The Wings are trying, and it’s not good enough.

I want to take a cue from Kenny the sleepy panda and nap until the playoffs, and hopefully Detroit will be there when I wake up in mid-April.  This hurts.  It hurts really bad.

I’m not attacking any particular player or coach after today.  I just don’t have the energy.  Please let’s just score a goal tomorrow against St. Louis.

We’re such a delicate team and fan base right now.  Hold strong everyone, the refs cannot hate us forever.  Gary can’t screw us into oblivion.  We need to take a cue from the little guy and get scared…

There.  Are you scared yet?  Are you scared that maybe the Red Wings are not as good as they have been over the last 14 years?  Are you scared that the playoff run will have to come to an end at some point, and this year is as good a year as any?  Are you scared that all that we have held to be sure in Detroit is failing, and that everything we thought we had seems to have been taken?

Now…take that fear.  Embrace that fear.  Convince yourself that it is still worth it to be a Detroit Red Wings fan.  It is still worth it to be a hockey fan.  When you are scared that everything you love could be taken from you, you’ll begin to cherish what you have so much more.  Every amazing play from Dats and Z, cherish it.  Every time Helm creates a scoring chance because he’s the fastest guy in the league, cherish it.  Every time Jimmy Howard gives up a huge rebound but Nick Lidstrom sweeps it away from trouble, because he is all that is perfect, cherish it.  We cannot have excellence forever…but we do have the Red Wings forever, both good and bad.  I’m still on board.  As painful as this season is, it  only serves to make the wins that much sweeter.

Let’s. Go. Red. Wings.

Random Fight of the Night:

Joey Kocur in late 80’s form…

I hope  most of you out there are still floating on  a warm, post-Thanksgiving high after pigging out on too much turkey. Tripping in a mellow sea of tryptophan, eyes glazed over in reverie like soft candied yams. A welcome sense of euphoria acting like a soothing balm placed over the lingering malaise of worry and exhaustion that has been gnawing at our bones for quite a while now.

Tryptophan is euphemistically known as  “nature’s own prozac”.  It is an amino acid found in large quantities in the indigenous bird we have coincidentally chosen as the centerpiece for our distinctly American feast day. When digested into the bloodstream it has the magic effect of releasing large amounts of serotonin into our brains.  And with more serotonin cascading through our synapses…well… events cascading around us in the middle of the biggest recession since the great Depression don’t really seem so “immediate” or “overwhelming” anymore.

Better living through modern chemistry.  The more we consume, the better we feel.   Hmmm. That sounds vaguely familiar… Let me chew on the meaning of that in between mouthfuls.

Meanwhile, just ignore the 5,000 pound turkey buzzard still circling over the marketplace. It can decide how dead or alive real estate really is later on. We’ll continue to relax and go with the flow of the slow.  Give ourselves permission to sink deeper into the lazy bubble of couch world where we can grab second helpings of  leftovers and watch brightly costumed characters on TV beating the stuffing out of each other and dishing out concussions. Who needs bread and circuses when there’s turkey and football available in Hi Def!

This is the perfect time for real estate to take a recess from the recession.  Real estate can officially declare itself on holiday until well after the first of the year – or in the case of you wanna-be sellers biding your time  – until that surge in the market you are so desperately hoping to see next spring either arrives in full bloom or decides to pull a no-show of conspicuous non-consumption.

For now at least, there aren’t going to be a lot of expectations about the state of real estate.  If higher sales numbers don’t materialize, if prices don’t keep edging up over the next few months. – that’s ok.  We are all conditioned to believe that they aren’t supposed to.  Part of the holiday tradition is that nothing happens in real estate around Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years. Everyone just figures that everyone else is staying home for the holidays rather than running around trying to buy one or sell one.

The only significant buying and selling supposed to happen is up to small time shoppers and big box retailers.  Black Friday was yesterday,  I’m assuming you got off the couch long enough to do your patriotic duty to shop till you drop and spend the economy back into existence. Today is Black Saturday.  Get busy. Only real estate is on vacation.

This year’s Thanksgiving has been a tough one to figure out how to carve. It isn’t easy to rattle off a long list of things we should be eminently thankful for after going cold turkey from the all-you-can-eat, buffet of  debt that everyone had such an inexhaustible appetite for not so long ago. These are leaner times.

But maybe these are the best kind of times to give thanks in. Thanks we have to think about. Thanks we have to tweak our perspectives to see.  There are all the obvious little thank you’s: Thanks for the extension and expansion of tax credits. It is great to get paid to buy a new home.  Thanks for extending the conforming jumbo loan limit for another year.  Maybe more higher end sales can happen. And special thanks for the low interest rates that soften the sad fact that prices haven’t really fallen into the range of more first time buyers yet.

And thanks for the bigger things too:  I’m thankful that the entire real estate market didn’t collapse like a house of cards along with the entire global financial system.  I’m thankful that this time of trial and testing gives us a chance to re-vision what it important in our lives and how our relationship with the world can change.

And now, finally, it’s time for the best part of the Thanksgiving ritual – the wishbone. Before you make any split decisions, close your eyes and dream up a few new things that will be good for everyone. Not just Buyers. Or Sellers. Or you. Let’s imagine and wish for  a very different kind of market than the one we’ve had.  Then we’ll start talking turkey again when real estate resumes after the first of the year

First stop, this week-end is,

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=cleopatra’s%20needle&hl=en&rlz=1C1GGLS_en-GBGB317GB317&sa=X&tbo=1&output=search&tbs=ww:1

Hello, or howdy, I was just wondering, if there was any legal requirements needed in traveling on the tube. I do feel incredibly safe in London. However, what ever happened to this case?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4713753.stm

I haven’t been reading as much as possible, as I’ve had a lot to sort out.  I need to sort out my housing benefit now.  I went to see my dear old Teacher, Mr Archibold Foulds.  He was my old economics teacher.

I came into the college and the kids were, should I say raucous. They seemed a very lively bunch.  I’m seriously thinking of becoming a teacher, perhaps in design and media.  I know they teach design and technology, it maybe a great career path to go down.  I hope it’s as respectable as they make out.  I know a lot of teachers, and I would love to go back to my old teachers and tell them about my business plans, especially in Drama.  I know that my dear dear french friend, is going all guns steaming and I was hoping that I could lend a helpful hand.

But I do realise that were were heading is an old boys network.  I hope in the future, they find us formidable business associates.  Can’t wait to go on linkedin and meetup.com and sort out my career.  A little bit of moonlighting hasn’t hurt anyone.  Besides, I work 7 days a week.

God speed world

It is late and I’m prepared for my sleep.  Soon I will take out my contacts and brush my teeth, then I will collapse into my bed and have a tremendous and stress free sleep.  I am just waiting for the bathroom to be available.  I thought I’D WORK ON MY BEJEWELED BLITZ SCORE but I see here that I’m using caps, sorry, too tired to change this.  I thought I’d work on my bejeweled blitz score but I find that my coordination has become a joke, perhaps between god and…someone else.  I was not in on the joke and that’s a little funny.  Anyway, I am feeling better, good night.

A tropical low-pressure system over the southern part of the East Sea continues to affect weather in the southern region while a new storm, Nida, is forming over the Pacific Ocean, the national weather bureau said.

A tropical low-pressure zone situated over the southern part of the East Sea on November 27 (Photo: National Hydro Meteorological Forecast Center)

The storm was at 15.4 degrees latitude and 139.9 degrees longitude on the afternoon of November 26 and is forecast to move northwest at a speed of 10 kilometers an hour. The storm has winds at level 13-14, or 134-166 kilometers an hour.

The tropical depression on November 27 was at 6.6 to 7.6 degrees latitude and 110.7 to 111.7 degrees longitude. The strongest winds near the depression’s eye reached level 6, or 39-49 kilometers an hour.

In the next 24 hours, the depression is forecast to move southwest at a speed of 5-10 kilometers an hour.

Le Thi Xuan Lan, deputy director of the Southern Regional Hydro Meteorological Center’s Forecasting Department said that the depression and northwesterly winds would cause heavy rains and flooding to some areas in Ho Chi Minh City and the southern region.

The southwestern region of the East Sea including Truong Sa (Spratly) Islands and the waters off the region between Binh Thuan to Ca Mau provinces will see level 6 winds with gusts up to level 7-8.

Related article:
Depression cools southern weather

Bookmark & Share

Well, I figured its time to write a new entry into my blog here as its been almost a week since my last entry. Today I’m here to write about personal experiences with Near death experiences with suicide in my own life and in other people I know. For people who don’t know, I’ve had fairly deep suicidal tendencies over the past three years or so now. I’ve come right to the edge whether it be holding the knife to my chest, overlooking the tall building, having a bowl of pills next to me, etc, fourteen times in my life now. No wait, its fifteen as of a couple days ago. Yes, my most recent thing of coming to the edge actually inspired me to write this entry. I was going to attempt to run a warm bath, slit my wrists and then keep my wrists in the water so I faded away. I had everything set, I had the knife in my hand, the water was hot, I was in the bath ready, I had my music going loudly so no one could hear anything, and I was about to make the incision, but the knife just couldn’t cut my skin as much as I pressed it in. I had sharpened it just before too. I still don’t know why it wouldn’t cut, as after I pricked my finger VERY easily on it.

Now over the past couple of days since, I’ve still been feeling extremely suicidal, yet there’s a certain peace about what used to be such a big fear of death. What’s strange though, is that now, I’m constantly depressed and I admit, I have been cutting my wrists, but every time suicide crosses my mind at the moment, I go blank and can’t remember what I was doing until a little while later, or something prevents it from being a possibility. Being a Christian, I’d say thats a pretty strong side from God that I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.. How can I know God’s love and still feel like crap I can picture a few of you asking. That I can’t exactly answer.. I still feel very strong in my beliefs, but due to how I am emotionally and psychologically, the two things never phase me when put together.

Throughout my life, not even in my suicide attempts, I’ve come very close to dying. When I was three, I ran out in front of a bus as I was chasing a ball across a busy highway, yet I somehow got pushed back instantaneously as the bus passed by at about 80km/h. When I was five, I somehow escaped my house and ran on to Waverley road to get to the other side. I was rescued by two fifteen year olds who routed the traffic around me and returned me home. Earlier this year, I was driving home and I had just gotten on the Monash freeway; I blacked out, and I woke up safe in my driveway at home. It all can’t be luck can it?

Whats my point to all this? Well, here’s where its crunch time I guess. Part of me is writing this because I want people to know about my experiences, and I was inspired to write this after recent events. But the other part of me, is doing this as my classic cry for help and attention. Call me self-centered, but it’s the truth. I am like this when depressed. I can’t help it; It’s been my constant throughout the years.. I don’t want the whole ‘Aww’ treatment, or people giving me reasons not to go or any of that crap. Just read this and maybe leave proper thoughts about it, not related to my current state though. Do that, and it’ll be enough to bring me through for now. Now, excuse me as I either go work out, listen to music, cut or play games online.

Brock.

First, there is no peace for the wicked. If you have not repented of your sins and placed a submitting faith in Jesus Christ for salvation—and if you are not daily denying yourself, taking up your cross, and following Him; you will not have a sound mind! If this is you, start at the beginning. If you’ve fallen away from the LORD, go back to the beginning.

Christians:

Your trust must be in Jesus ALONE (not in a church, pastor, spouse, or friend). Go to Him. He is the Vine, and without Him you can do nothing!

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Psa. 27:1

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. I John 4:4

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

What should we meditate on?

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil 4:8

God gives a sound mind to His children:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7

We are in a spiritual battle every day. We must use our spiritual weapons (Word of God and prayer/fasting) and bring EVERY thought into obedience to Jesus:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Cor. 10:3-5

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Heb. 4:12

We must use our minds to love the LORD Jesus (not self):

Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. Matt. 22:37

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Eph 5:17

We have the ability to “set our minds” where we want to, and we must CHOOSE to set them on things above:

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Col. 3:2-4

It is up to us to “gird up the loins of our mind” and trust Jesus. We can’t go into battle with our vulnerable parts (our minds) unprotected:

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Pet. 1:13

We must BELIEVE that Jesus will take care of us. It is not enough to say we believe. Our actions must prove that we trust Him:

I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Tim. 1:12

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Focus on Jesus, hold fast, and endure!

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb. 4:14-16

Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us, LOOKING UNTO JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For CONSIDER HIM who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. Heb. 12:1-4

Keep your spiritual armor on and HOLD YOUR GROUND. STAND. Notice at the end of this passage, you are to “be watchful with all perseverance with all supplication for all the saints.” When you are feeling sorry for yourself and not holding our ground, you are not able to strengthen your family members who need you.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—Eph. 6:10-18

We can and must have our minds RENEWED (by the Word of God):

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING OF YOUR MIND, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Rom. 12:1-2

..Be RENEWED in the spirit of your mind…Eph. 4:23

…And have put on the new man who is RENEWED in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him. Col. 3:10

For “who has known the mind of the LORD that he may instruct Him?” But we have the mind of Christ. I Cor. 2:16

We MUST consider our lives crucified with Christ, and we must REFUSE to walk after the flesh (our own ideas, desires, impulses, emotions, etc.)

For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Rom 8:6

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Gal. 2:20

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:5-6

And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Isaiah 32:17

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

When anxious, we must learn to wait patiently upon the LORD.

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isa. 40:31

My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:5

Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalm 27:14

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, Like a weaned child with his mother; Like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalm 131:2

And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly. Rom. 16:20

While waiting, give thanks!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. I Thess. 5:16-18

Remember what our afflictions are doing for us spiritually!

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Cor. 4:8-10

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor. 4:16-18

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:8-10

If you are convicted of sin, be earnest and REPENT. Stop doing it. Ask God for forgiveness. Believe His Word:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

Then move on! His mercies are new every morning, and there is no condemnation to those who are IN Christ Jesus, who do not walk after the flesh, but after the Spirit (Rom. 8:1). If you’ve repented and are currently not following your flesh, further condemnation is from the evil one. Pay no heed at all to that liar!

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee; The LORD make His face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee; The LORD lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. Numbers 6:24-26

 

today, i was asked if i had seen the programme called ‘mind games – depression’ in sport. i hadnt, but soon found it on iplayer.

an incredibly well made, honest, open and moving piece of television in which various well known sportsmen talked about their battles with the illness. some real noteworthy quotes, and i would recommend anyone watch it, for a small insight to the impact it has had on some people. at the beginning, one of the quotes said by someone was ‘depression is not discriminatory’. how true is that. depression has the ability to hit you, me, anyone. the rich, the poor. the famous, non famous. it has the ability to hit anyone, regardless of their race, culture, faith, profession, background, past or current circumstance.

whilst not denying, that people whom have had ‘issues’ in the past, perhaps childhood abuse, or significant traumatic events often suffer with mental health illness, and depression, its so important to know that it also hits people without those past circumstances too. there seems to be no rhyme or reasons as to who it chooses, and why … i know people who are unwell and whom have had sad lives, i know people who are unwell who have had reasonably settled lives.

today, i was also asked, by someone different to try and explain it … unpack it more … try and give them some kind of understanding of where i have been at, where i am at, and how depression has been a part of my life. and as i thought of how to go about that process, of telling them what i could, i realised i was not sure how to go about it. what could i say? how could i possibly describe to someone who admits and professes herself to have never had depression so therefor does not understand it what its like?

how is it possible to make that person know what its like … i dont know if it is? or if i should … i guess the only thing i can do is share some of the experience, and give her, you, and whoever is reading this blog the opportunity to know little bits of my story.

the difficult thing is, i am not entirely sure where to begin … my mind does not always think logically, or with a pattern, so i apologise if this comes across as rambling.

in my head i have used a vase to illustrate what was happening to my life. it was a glass vase, holding pretty flowers. those flowers then got chopped at, chipped at, pulled apart, buds taken off, until eventually only the stems were left, and as time went on, they died anyway, and had to be thrown away. So all was left was the glass vase, that held the flowers. just the vase, until one day, that vase was dropped, and it smashed. into lots of pieces. all over the floor. and there they stayed … until for some reason those pieces of smashed glass were picked up … and dropped again … and each piece then crumbled into smaller pieces … and so it continued, over and over, picked up, and dropped, until eventually, all that were left were little shards of glass, so small, so tiny, so smashed they could not be picked up any more … and they couldn’t be smashed any more. it was well and truly broken.

imagine that being a life … my life.

i was slowly being grounded down, into those so very tiny fragments … all that was around me was black.

and i think, actually, that its the black that is the most hardest part of this to explain. obviously the sky was not black … but i guess it could have been. i would have never been surprised if i had one day looked up to see it dark. i cant explain the black. but it was like a cloud, just hovering over me, everywhere i went, surrounding everything i did. it was there, day and night, no escaping from it. it closed me in … and continued to close in on me, as those glass pieces continued to break …

when things become so low, so bad, so dark, you begin to lose all sense of anything, all sense of reality. i began to convince myself no one loved me, i began to convince myself that i was unloveable … and it wasn’t hard doing. i managed to teach myself that my life was not worth anything, and that it didnt matter whether i was here or not. i managed to get into my head that this darkness was life, nothing else existed, and actually, why should it, why would i deserve anything other. why would/should anyone think i am worth anything … and then i turned on myself even more.  i didnt care about myself, believed so heartily that no one else did either, so what did it matter. thats when things took  leap to another level … another level of lowness, that i didnt think was ever possible to reach.

think of a film set … a dreary building, lots of rooms, lots of stairs, red bricked, petty grim on the outside, and not much better on the inside. think of someone being escorted into that building, through the big sliding double doors, and turning left. Going up stairs and to another set of rooms and corridors. Finally stopping at a small room, with one sash type window, half open, a chair, and a sofa. brightly coloured. think of that person, lying on the floor, in a ball, cuddling themselves … underneath the window, and not moving for hours. not moving when the rain fell, and storm began, and they got wet, because the window was open. not moving when a cup of tea was bought in, or the man who had escorted this person into the building sat on the floor and tried to talk. not moving for hours. until the black mascara filled tear drops dried out on the streaky face. until eventually cramp set in. fearfully looking up, to find someone sat on a chair, in the corner of the room. just sitting. watching, and waiting.

i wish it was something from a film … but it wasnt. Isnt. That someone was me. And that escort person was one of the people responsible for me still being here today (for which, now, i am truly grateful!) …

i was lucky that day … i was not kept in. in fact, i was let out, to go home, back to the flat i at that time lived in alone, with regular phone called and 3 x daily visits, despite having made serious attempts to no longer exist.

why had i done that? thinking about  it right now … well, i dont know … i guess i could not see a way out. i could not see an alternative. i could not see any possible way for all those little broken pieces of glass to mend … to fix, to be molded back into something worth having … worth holding, worth loving.

the dark overwhelmed me.

and sometimes, almost two years on from that day, i am still overwhelmed. Depression isnt something that if you just click your fingers it will go away. it isnt something that if you just tell yourself to snap out of it, it will go away. depression is not something that will mend in a few weeks time, like a broken bone, it isnt something that a few pills being taken will solve.

for some, in fact many, for me its a long long journey. one that is painful at times, challenging, hard work, tiring, emotional, scary … it involves being vulnerable … it involves allowing people into my life, allowing people to love me, accepting their care, their love, their support, and that is not always easy. Its fair to say, the last two/three years of my life have seen a small handful of really amazing people, who have walked by my side, and have held my hand all the way. Be it by texts, safe houses to sleep in, phone calls, chocolate bars through the post and many other things. and i truly appreciate that. these people have not judged me, and have accepted me for who i am. in my irrational moments, i fear those people getting bored of me, or that i am too much of a burden to them … however, i only have admiration and love for these beautiful human beings, some of whom are teaching me life is worth living, and that it is possible to live!

for me, this isnt a topic i will write about once, and then thats it, never to be spoken about again. because i will write more about it, in the coming days/weeks/months. more about depression, life, self harm, hurting, and the rollercoaster world of Hmphz.

however, i wanted to write all of the above, to throw it out there a bit more … especially after watching this documentary, and the candid bravery these famous people had telling their story.

thank you for reading.

Four people were found dead in an Illinois house just before Thanksgiving, and the deaths are being labeled a murder/suicide.  Despite the grim nature of the story I had to read the article- sure I would see that the father (who apparently killed his wife and sons and then committed suicide) had recently lost his job.  The article didn’t say but I would not be surprised if that comes out in a later article.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  

According to an article on CBSNews.com job loss not only affects individuals financially – it can affect their mental health as well.  Yeah, well duh.

Over the past 9 or 10 months the Labor Department has regularly reported that the number of Americans who are unemployed is at a record high. Those who have lost their jobs not only worry about money or paying their mortgage, but also their families and how society views them. With all this stress, unemployed folks can end up depressed and lonely as they try to fill the void.

“Spouses are fighting more often, people may turn to drugs or alcohol, smoking, overeating,” says Dr.  Sudeepta Varma , psychiatrist at New York University Medical Center. “Losing the job… isn’t so much the problem, but the anxiety and the depression and the substance abuse [that can follow]… are often extremely more damaging than the job loss.”

Historically, the suicide rate follows the unemployment rate; Dr. Varma says that suicide rates do tend to go up during times of economic crisis.  So far the link between the economy and rising suicides is only anecdotal since there is generally a two-year lag in national suicide figures.  But browse the headlines over the past year or so and you’ll find stories like the laid off 55-year-old Petaluma building official who killed himself, the 90-year-old Ohio widow who shot herself as authorities arrived to evict her from her home, and most notably for the sorrow and horror it provokes, the Los Angeles man who killed his five children and their mother, and then took his own life after he and his wife lost their jobs.  

According to an article titled ‘Economic Crisis is Getting Bloody’ , which details recent mass killings related to job and home loss as well as suicides, the Elkhart, Indiana coroner estimates that a quarter of the suicides in that town (22 so far this year)  are directly related to the economy.  Elkhart had an unemployment rate of 15% in September 2009. 

Many mental-health crisis and suicide hotlines are reporting a surge in calls from Americans feeling despair over financial losses and the  only up spin on that is that people are seeking help and so may not join the suicide statistics or grisly headlines. 

It’s hard to know where to turn when you suffer setbacks like the loss of your job or home.  Or both.  It’s easy to become depressed, feel powerless, lost and lonely.  To lie awake nights agonizing over dwindling bank accounts and mounting bills.  Or to self medicate so that you don’t lie awake once again dwelling on all those things that you seem to have no control over.  As months of fruitless job searches pass by it’s hard to maintain hope.  And without hope you are left with all those other inhabitants of Pandora’s box as your companions on the slippery slope.  Not a pretty picture that.

No Matter

what
the cobwebs               spider groceries
all return to the corners
of the basement
my apartment
that blacks out with me
and smiles at the thought of you
also constricts
my urge to scream
and tear away
this veil of conformity.

Two weeks ago, a young woman who had been my daughter’s friend since early grade school, leapt to her death off her apartment building.  She was part of a  group of friends who  had stayed together through high school, experiencing an almost idyllic stability unusual in today’s world.  They were mostly children of academics, highly talented, bright, beautiful, funny.  They went to prestigious universities, garnering accolades, and all seemed well, until a year and a half ago when one of “the friends,” class president at UNC, was dragged from her apartment and brutally murdered one night.  Her death had become the defining moment of their lives, which are now divided between Before Eve and After Eve.

This new death has only reopened the not-yet-healed wound.  Whether the new death was a result of a manic high, of hidden despair or stress, we will never know.  All that is know is that is vibrant, loving, funny and gorgeous young woman who had been a part of all our lives, is no longer with us. Why, the young women keep asking each other and us, their mothers, why?

We are driving to the cemetery.  I am sitting in the front with one of the other mothers, and two of the daughters in the back seat, although not my daughter, who is in another car full of her friends.  We are trying to untangle the events that led up to the unimaginable, as if by parsing it out, we could lessen the hurt.  My friend begins to weep, recalling her own mother’s death when she was twelve.  Every new, tragic death, it seems, resurrects the old ones, makes them fresh, raw.  Then one of the girls brings up how she had been very depressed and how a river near her house had saved her.  “No joke,” she said, “I know that sounds weird but I swear that the river saved me.  I would just go and sit by it all the time and finally the depression just went away.”  The other young woman recounts how depressed she was in high school, and how one day she threw all her belongings in the hall and slept with nothing in her room, like a self-flagellating monk.  I told them the story of being their age, twenty-three, and flying home, angry and depressed. A middle-aged man next to me offered some kind words to me, and I rebuffed him coldly.  How could he offer such easy kindness?  He was obviously unenlightened, some soft bourgeoisie.  I was an intellectual girl, all right, I could deconstruct a text and situation with the best of them, little noticing that once you shred everything down to its finest units, you are left with very little.  I had an uneducated heart.

What can we offer our children in their moment of great need?  We can’t get to the bottom of these deaths–tragedies and mysteries beyond our comprehension, suffering almost too hard to physically bear.  Brought down myself by illness in the face of this latest loss, I happened to pick up the wonderful book by Kat Duff, The Alchemy of Illness.  I turned randomly to a page, and this is what I read:  “The Nahuatl peoples believed that we are born with a physical heart, but have to create a deified heart by finding a firm and enduring center within ourselves from which to lead our lives, so that our hearts will shine through our faces, and our features will become reliable reflections of ourselves.Otherwise, they explained, we wander aimlessly through our lives….”  She goes on to suggest that the sufferings we endure, physically and emotionally, by being consciously borne, can open us up and soften us. By offering our suffering as a sacrifice, we can “heal by resuscitating our hearts.”  “In our hearts, which many native peoples consider to be the seat of true intelligence, we discover the simple capacity to feel our losses, sorrow, and shame, and have compassion.”

We educate our children’s minds, but we often abandon the education of their hearts and souls.  There is nothing we can do to bring these wonderful young women back to us, and we can never answer the question “why?”  But we can offer the suggestion that their deaths are not in vain, if from our deep sorrow, we can grow new hearts. In the car that day, winding through the cemetery, we made a start.

About eight months after becoming a quadriplegic, I was enduring a particularly difficult time.  I’d been blessed, and up to that time hadn’t really gone through and depression of any kind.  But, now it seemed as though things were beginning t mount.   I was more frustrated, depressed and discouraged and down than I had ever been since the accident.

I had been taught often about of the power of gratitude in the home I grew up in, and felt that if I had any chance to find a way out of the darkness my feelings had brought with them, it would be in large part because of some increase in my own gratitude.

In an effort to find a way to feel blessed, I pulled out a piece of notebook paper from my backpack and numbered it to 100.  I felt like 100 would be a lot, but nothing that couldn’t be easily handled in 15-20 minutes.

I was right—about the first 25.  They were simple and easy.  They were the big ones—stuff like family and friends, where I lived and what I had.

The second 25 took a little more thought.  The third 25 really made me think.  And, at 16, in order to finish the last 25, I wrote down anything I could see.  I was thankful for stuff like light bulbs, pencils, and the tacks that held up the posters in my room.

In fact, Number 99 on my list was the fact that I could pick my nose. (For more about that read here.)

It took the entire afternoon and most of the evening, but, when I was finished, I had my list.  Just having it in my hands made me more grateful; and by being more grateful, I began to feel the beginnings of a more positive attitude.

Through the next weeks and months, every time I felt down or depressed, frustrated or fraught with negativity, I pulled out my list—and each time I read my list, I started concentrating on what I did have and quit worrying about what I didn’t.  This new tool helped me to see the best and forget the worst.

This Thanksgiving I have been thinking about that original list more than usual.  So, in the spirit of the season and in honor of the original list, I spent some time yesterday creating a new list.

The thing that surprised me the most, was that my heart was as lifted as much this time as it was when I created the original list on that lined notebook paper all those years ago.

Here it is then.  I share it with you hoping that maybe seeing mine will inspire you to make a list of your own.  If you will, I promise a spirit filled with gladness and hope and a excellent tool in the fight to stay positive.

Remember what I’ve said before, “There’s not enough room in the human heart for depression and gratitude at the same time.”

Jh-

Jason Hall’s 100 Things To Be Thankful For

1. My Faith
2. Kolette
3. Coleman
4. Mom
5. Dad
6. Kendra
7. Clinton
8. Brandon
9. Nathan
10. Mom Coleman
11. Dad Coleman
12. Brothers & Sisters In-Law
13. Grandparents
14. Nieces
15. Nephews
16. Living in the United States
17. Chance To Have Freedom of Religion
18. Power Wheelchairs
19. Accessible Vans
20. Opportunity to get the best Healthcare
21. Powerful Friends
22. My Car
23. Our Home
24. Heat
25. Air Conditioning
26. Clothing
27. Computers
28. iPhone (and the return of the bar phone)
29. Voice Recognition Software
30. National Ability Center
31. Disabled Skiing
32. Bi-Skii’s
33. Sight
34. Hearing
35. Sense of Smell
36. Full Use of My Mental Faculties
37. Growing up in Boise
38. The Chance to live in The Eastern US
39. Interfecal Pumps
40. Graduating with my High School Class
41. Attending BYU
42. Working as BYUSA President—and all the people I worked with
43. IVF
44. I CSI
45. TESI
46. Rock Band
47. The Million Dollar Round Table
48. Mutual Of New York (and the people there)
49. Garrett Burger, Large Gems, and a Cherry Scotch and Soda
50. The Bible
51. The Book of Mormon
52. My Testimony
53. My Eternal Marriage
54. Pistachio Dessert
55. My Eagle Scout
56. The Scouting Program
57. The Chance To Serve
58. Football
59. Words Written in my Journal by my Mom When I Was a Kid
60. Baby Ruth Bars
61. Broadway Musicals
62. Cougars, Cowboys, Jazz, Celtics, Yankees, Real Salt Lake
63. My Letterman Jacket
64. The Ten Lepers by Jack Christensen
65. Electricity
66. Television
67. Ability to Move My Arms
68. Atonement
69. Repentance
70. Fasting
71. Prayer
72. Plan of Salvation
73. Miracles
74. My Boys in New Canaan
75. The YM in Syracuse
76. Optimism
77. The Ability to Speak Publically
78. Disability Insurance
79. Workmans Comp
80. The Inspiration to Go to Work on 21 November 1997
81. Great Nurses
82. Great Neighbors
83. My Cousin David
84. Love of Singing (and how it literally saved my life)
85. Family History
86. Great Music
87. Uplifting Music
88. Movies
89. Showers/Shower Chair
90. Forgiveness
91. Repentance
92. Having Kolette at My Side.
93. Good Parking
94. Straws
95. Ramps
96. Elevators
97. Family Dinners
98. Goals
99. The Fact That I Can Pick My Nose
100. Lists of Gratitude

How do you tell
a heart to stop racing,
a mind to stop pacing
a girl to start facing
her greatest fears?

Hopeless ruminations.
Pathological expectations.
Deep and dangerous downward spirals.

I let gravity drag me.
I let inertia keep me.
I let the whole world think that I don’t care.

When I’m numb,
it’s like I’m not even there.

And who am I?
And who was I?
And who will I be
if I let this
illness
get the best of me?

Gamers, R U OK? Real Relationships Important

by dkpatriarch

© 2009 David Hilton

I first began gaming as an enjoyable pastime. However, as I increasingly became ill with chronic illnesses and as games became more mature and immersive I enjoyed them for the escape from my symptoms and the negative feelings I was dealing with.

We are more connected than ever, but is that connection close?

Gaming was easier than trying to relate to real people who didn’t understand what I as going through and seemed to rather not know.  But eventually even gaming couldn’t bring me distraction and joy anymore.

The truth is that people need relationships and more than that, they need encouragement and caring listeners.

I have never seriously considered suicide, though I’ve reached some pretty low lows.  However, there are more than 2000 people a year in Australia, higher than the national road toll, who have not only considered it, but gone through with it, leaving devastated families behind.

The worldwide figure would be shocking.

Ask someone: Are you okay?

And gamers could be at greater risk due to a higher likelihood of suffering depression and introversion.

According to The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a study in the Seattle area on the effects of gaming on individuals potentially discovered that gamers tend to be overweight, around 35 years old and are more likely to be depressed.

According to the article at plugged in, they are not claiming that games themselves are the cause but rather that

depressed individuals might be turning to games as a means of self-medication, immersing themselves in a game’s world as a way of forgetting about real-life troubles.

Some gamers may be disconnecting from real relationships, leading to increased isolation.

In his excellent article titled Gamers and Depression, Noah Weil explores this relationship and even discusses suicide.  He says:

It’s an unfortunate truth that people who have a propensity for this kind of recreation and/or lifestyle seem to also have an extra susceptibility to this illness. The hope is to raise awareness of the symptoms of the disease, and the strategies for beating it….Having talked with an awful lot of players over the years, it seems to me that there is simply a higher incidence of depression in our [gaming] community. No one I’ve shared this view with has disagreed.

He goes on to advise that gamers help each other:

You as a bystander or a victim have the knowledge to help a person, a person who shares the same interests you do. Make a connection, help yourself and your community. We’ll all be better for it.

Which brings us to R U OK? Day.

Tomorrow in Australia is R U OK? Day, the brainchild of Gavin Larkin, aimed at encouraging everyone to connect with friends and loved ones who may be struggling.

The way to do that is to start a conversation with them.  The RUOK? site states:

It is the one thing we can all do to make a real difference. R U OK?Day is about prevention, preventing little problems turning into big problems. So it is not just about asking those at immediate risk. Connection is a crucial part of general health and well being to help in coping with issues such as stressful life events, mental health problems, relationship breakdowns and bereavement. Staying connected and ensuring your colleagues, friends and loved ones do so as well is as simple as having regular, meaningful, conversations. So every day can be R U OK?Day.

Gavin Larkin, who lost his father to suicide, stresses that everyone everywhere can make a difference.  According to the site, research shows talking about suicide with someone at risk actually reduces the chances of them taking their life.

Do people attracted to gaming often have depressive tendencies?

In Australia we have a “she’ll be right” attitude where people assume that everyone will handle things on their own.  But I can tell you that it can be lonely dealing with things alone.

Personally, I still struggle with my illnesses and negative thoughts.  But I have sought help, am working to reconnect, and have loving people around me who are listening.  Gaming is an enjoyable hobby for me, but I have learned real relationships are more important.

Who is the person in your life who is struggling the most?  Tips from Lifeline for starting and having conversations can be found on the site here.

For more information and links to where you can get information and help in Australia, click here.

R U OK? website: here.

© 2009 David Hilton

First things first, don’t judge me from this blog. It’s merely a place for me to express my thoughts anonymously, similar to a diary, but in the hope that there are others out there who feel the same way and can exchange thoughts and converse on certain issues. So don’t waste your own time commenting unless you have something valuable to say.

Ok, now that is out of the way.. This is a place for me to air my thoughts and feelings. Before you keep reading, you should know that I suffer from depression, the extent of which has yet to be uncovered. I haven’t attended my first counselling session yet, but hope to do so in the following week or two. I don’t know if any of you reading this have suffered from depression, but there seems to an awful stigma attached to it. I’m the first to admit that I didn’t really understand depression until I saw signs of it in myself and began to read more. I always thought, “Well why are they so moody, they need to learn to lighten up.”, which isn’t as simple as it seems.

I’m sure there are many types of depression, the majority of which I do not understand, but as for myself, I suffer from mood swings, loneliness and major lack of confidence. Sure these are very common in teenage years (I am currently 19), but when you feel it is a problem yourself, then I’m certain there is something wrong. There are days when I do not want to wake up and do not want to do anything with my time. Laziness to the extreme, but on a whole new level. Imagine the feeling of nothing in your life. You have nothing to wake up for, and even when you do wake up, you don’t want to do anything other than sit there. Sure I have university work I could/should be doing, but I can’t bring myself to do it. This also leads to a lack of confidence. I am an art student, and I feel that the majority of my work is of a very poor standard, even when people tell me they love it.

And there lies the stigma of depression.

Reading this, you probably think that it’s all in my head. People are telling me that my work is good, but I’m telling myself it’s not, possibly looking for attention. Well that is just how my mind works. I’m not telling myself my work is rubbish to get myself down on purpose. Who would possibly do that if they had the choice? I’de love nothing more than be able to look at my work and feel pride that others enjoy it. It just happens.

Aside from these issues, I am a great believer that music can save you. I’ve always loved music, and have been playing the guitar and singing (all be it, to myself) for as many years as I can remember. What may be ‘emo’ music to some, is important to me and it lifts me up rather than brings me down as many people would like to believe. But I love all kinds of music; dance, rock, pop, r&b, swing (is a particular favourite at the momeny).. you name it. Being Welsh, I am a fan of Lostprophets (who I’ll be seeing in March by the way, cannot wait!). Their newest song is amazing in my opinion, and I’ve been listening to it all day! So if you trust my judgement, you should check it out:

Anyway, that’s all for tonight. Hopefully this will be theraputic for me and I will come back and rant some more, while sharing some of my hobbies and interest with you in a hope you feel the same way. So if you’ve read this far, then thank you

Dreamboy x