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For you my truest friend,

With no sight of an end.

Many talks at night

Set my imagination and heart a flight.

Many days of conversations of caring,

Volleys of words and of sharing

My deepest desires of the world

My heart opened and uncurled.

To a person I can find strength in a hug

The one who makes my heart tug.

A solitary kiss

Makes the days set amiss

Go straight where they belong

Like the ending of a love song.

Although I may go off track a time or two

My thoughts and heart belong with you.

The tears I shed are like dew

My mind is unfettered and set anew.

With the sound of your resonating voice

Making you the easiest choice

To share my days of strife

Setting you apart from all other in life

You have set up a special place

In my heart with your handsome face.

There is gentleness in your demeanor

My heart feels much clearer

Offing me a place of rest

Making you the very best

For it is a hidden gentle heart

That makes me never want to part

Too far a distance or time

For in my eyes it would be a crime

To be away from you

With a heart so very true.

every time i sit down to complete my thesis, i am left with nothing more than sinking feelings and hopeless sensations.

ive been thinking a lot about boundaries and the idea of nations recently. actually, thats a lie. this is all i ever think about. but these days, ive been thinking about it more than i usually would. i think its because of my own uncertain standing in the whole america vs pakistan (i have about ten million pro con lists in my head) as a post graduation home debate as well as writing my thesis, which deals with the growing threat of the taliban in pakistan. being a political science major and a holder of a super unhip green passport  (which to this day causes me to hold my breath when i go through immigration at jfk) forces you to think about boundaries, and more importantly, how you can surpass them if you so wish.

at home, youll hear a lot of people say, ‘thats just how its done here’. this is a religious country after all, it was formed on the basis of religion. obviously everything will be muslim centric, obviously women will be treated differently than men, obviously the minorities will be treated as minorities, obviously there are only super rich people and super poor people- thats just how its done here. you cant argue with logic like that- maybe thats why it has stuck so well.

this summer, i went home with the intention to create foundations for my epic post graduation homecoming, where i could return to the normal i knew and didnt have to deal with things like:

01. frostbite
02. driving on the wrong side of the road
03. assholes that confuse palestine with pakistan (it happens so much its ridiculous)
04. assholes that say stuff like, ‘i love chicken tikka masala’ or ‘i love bollywood*’ when i tell them where im from. i mean sure buddy i like burgers but what does that have to do with how i thinnk about  america? and shit, im also not a fan of your old president, but that dont mean i hate texas! (i aspire to go to texas one day, i view it as the american sun, with the rest of the states being the planets)
05. SLOW SAINT PAUL DRIVERS (going at ten when the speed limit is thirty five is not okay)
06. being accosted to go to church/mormon temple/evangelical potlucks at an average of one awkward accost per week.

and many other strange things about this country that i now dont care as strongly about/find funny/have now forgetten.

but when i went back home, i saw that i no longer fit in at home with the ease that i once used to. moving back would be a life of angst and ‘why is this place so fucked up’ and ‘what do you mean i cant go out without a male chaperon’ and ‘wow did that guy just say he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs?’.

and what kind of life is that? not a great one i would say, not a great one at all.

privileged kids who study abroad are called ‘foreign returns’ when they move back to pakistan. i feel i might have became a bit too foreign and may in fact, no longer be able to return.

i fear about the fact that there is no longer any room left for me in my own country.

—-

*bollywood is indian. pakistan has lollywood (i kid you not) and the industry is in a bit of a bad situation. but but but but lollywood cinemas paint their own posters (as compared to printing real life actors) and i dont know about you, but i think they are pretty damn fantastic.

The Great Shift: Part 1

________________________

I understand something very deep is going on here.

My friend penned it quite well when he said, “though I do not necessarily agree with your beliefs, I recognize that something profound is happening”. But it’s more than profound. It’s… Profound. Deep. It goes beyond the highest heights and the deepest abyss. It’s perfectly divine. But still…

…

Let me explain it with food. Because it’s more of a meeting up with your destiny sort of feeling. Just like when you’re hungry or craving something and you somehow find yourself in front of the most perfect meal. That thing I’ve been craving is what I am experiencing. It is the the most satisfying flavor and texture I’ve ever had.

You know those times that you want to just grab a large cheeseburger or burrito (lets go with burrito) from the local (not franchised – with the exception of “On The Border™”) Mexican food place? The beans, the melting cheese, the salsa that was freshly prepared, the way the sauce over the top of the burrito is covered with melting cheese, the guacamole, the fresh salsa, the way the first big bite tastes, the way it is simply satisfying. It could even have been poorly made yet every one of your senses completely inhibited to everything else because of the experience happening on your tongue, sliding down your throat, filling your body with such an intense satisfaction – every endorphin possible being released. Suddenly you feel a little more peaceful. And more peaceful with every bite, chew, and swallow. Every moment elating you just a little bit more.

It’s like that.
But better.

It’s like entering the flow of destiny. It’s not even likened unto it… it is it.
At the right place, at the right time, and especially with the right people.

Not only are my physical needs being met with even more than I need, but my soul is overflowing with Joy. It’s been a long time. And peace. A peace which I simply cannot explain. A peace that quells every worry I’ve had. It is beyond my understanding. But it’s exactly what I wanted but didn’t know I wanted.

You may not think it, but God can hear every prayer you have. Especially the ones that you don’t say out loud. I’m not the first to say that, but I can add by saying that God hears even the prayers that you don’t know you are making. Just thinking of this fills my heart with peace.

God can see the things you most desire. Even when you don’t know that you desire them. And He is more capable of bringing them to pass than you are.

___   ___   ___   ___   ___

Since I last wrote I have experienced something radical in me. Suddenly… my inclination is to stay and work. Not to return home. Not to return to my family. Not to long even for the comfort that friends have brought in the past.

Something incredible is happening here that I can only explain by saying “It’s going to happen – and we know it.”

Now then.

I know with all my heart that my calling in life is not missionary. I have no desire to be a missionary. In fact, I actually don’t like the idea that I have to go to another country and tell a bunch of people that they need to repent and come to Jesus – why? Because I hate the idea that they already know because their own locals have been telling them to repent and come back to God and that they won’t even “wake up” unless a foreigner comes to tell them. But I’m the same way: if someone I know tries to correct me or explain something of importance pertaining to my life I usually won’t listen unless it’s someone I don’t know at all. And that’s because I’m skeptical that a person could be using their own knowledge about me to impart a personal opinion. Usually I’m more willing to believe that it’s God trying to tell me something when it’s coming from someone who hasn’t already gotten to know me. I’m not a missionary though.

But if not a missionary, then what the heck am I doing way out here?

I’m not a missionary.
But I believe in being transplanted.

I believe that God would uproot me and plant me somewhere else. Kind of the same way seedlings and saplings are taken from a nursery and planted again in the environment most suitable for them… The environment which they were created for…

???

Any one get what I’m trying to say here?

???

And just like that, I’m not afraid. I’m not anxious. I’m not worried about tomorrow.

I’m peaceful, I’m motivated, I’m alive.

This is a life that can only come from having a relationship with God. A sort of divine breath of life into my existence. (just because you exist doesn’t mean you have life). This is the life that I always want to invite everyone into, but can never seem to find the right words or the right way not just to explain to them but also to help them experience it. There is such life that come from having a relationship with the Be all and End all of this existence that we have. It’s like the reds are more red, the air you breathe is more filling, every step you take gives you a sense of connection to the world around you, as if you are suddenly aware of everything around you. You suddenly… exist.

You suddenly have purpose. You suddenly find a reason for living.

And I still invite those who don’t know Jesus. It’s really quite easy, but sincere. God can hear whatever you got to say even right at this moment.

… … … …this is what my heart desired. This is what I wanted and didn’t even know I wanted. This is what makes me say that God sees and knows the things you most, and truly desire.

You don’t really want to find a person you can feel loved by. Having sex with that girl/guy isn’t going to make you feel complete like knowing Jesus would. Tasting that new beer won’t give you the kind of peace that the Holy Spirit brings with Him. Whatever truly pointless activity you think is going to make you feel good will leave you feeling… unsatisfied.

Like when you eat a bunch of sweets or junk food. And usually you justify it by saying your hungry. And you eat those cheeze-its™, or beef jerky, or trail mix… or apples and peanut butter, granola bars – all the while justifying it even saying it’s healthy… it’s got protein or energy or whatever you wanna call it. And you eat it… and you get full on the stuff… you even make yourself sick – but you’re still hungry.

You know that you will be hungry until you’ve actually sat down to have meal that is hot and freshly prepared. And it’s even better when you sit down with your friends or family to enjoy.

Every other activity you do is only junk food (which we americans know plenty about) compared to having a meal that fills and sustains us. Junk food compared to knowing and experiencing the living God.

_________________________

I now live in my own room in an american styled house just down the street from where the church meets. This is a great praise to God. And I ride the taxi more often, which is always fun (for some reason) for me. I also have recently fallen in love with guavas and something called “danya chutney” – which is very similar to mexican salsa… but with sugar! Pies are a convenience food which I overlooked when I first got here but now enjoy very much. Spar-letta™, made by Coca-Cola™ this side, is my favorite soda ever; the flavors are sooooooo rich, and they have exotic ones like Granadilla!

It looks like I’ll be going to table mountain next week. Going on a great white shark cage dive has been getting tossed around in my mind. Advanced driving school is looking tempting. Our Christmas tree was set up this week – it’s a a douglas fir. Artificial but beautiful. And Christmas in the summer is really just incredibly strange. I’m not going through head trips or anything like that… but what happened the “jack frost nipping at your nose”? Honestly! Christmas without the abominable snow man barring his teeth a Rudolph?

And I’m here. Watching, waiting, working.

Hol fas a nesus Dudes.
(hold fast to Jesus – Dudes)

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What You will Hit Upon In Auto Value Parts Store:
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2. Performance Products: You cannot obtain low quality vehicle parts in Auto value parts store. They take the pain to stock only the quality branded parts. They get their stocks directly from the original equipment manufacturers, with warranties solidly in place, just to ensure your protection at any time you purchase from them. When you desire real quality, you can trust advanced auto stores to deliver the most appropriate.

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The only way out is to shop at only established names in the auto parts industry. There, you can constantly obtain any obtainable privileges such as, discounts, coupons, special deals, promotions, etc that are done within the limit of reasonability. Don't go for any vehicle part store site that you see, except you will be able to check what you are purchasing physically earlier than you pay. With auto value parts store you can in no way be a loser.

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रागं विजृंभयति संश्रयते प्रमादं
    दोषान् न चिंतयति साहसमभ्युपैति |
स्वच्छंदतो व्रजति नेच्छति नीतिमार्गं
    बुद्धिं शुभां सुविदुषामवशीकरोति ||

-अविमारकम्

It increases desires. It accompanies madness. It does not let you see your own mistakes. It makes you take up risky adventures. It makes you yearn for a care-free existence. It forces you to go away from the right path. It controls your wisdom even though are intelligent. Such is the effect of youth on a person.

- Avimarakam

Progress so far

To be honest, the second I hit upload I thought of all the reasons this was a bad choice and was trying to talk myself out of it.  My change for this week includes chain restaurants that I really enjoy and I could taste the bread sticks and Buffalo wings that I would miss.  Another thing I didn’t think of was a certain coffee shop that started in Seattle.  I love this store to the point I collect their mugs. This change will be harder than I thought.  But so far, I have stuck to my guns.

At the same time I was trying to talk myself out of this, I wanted to make it more restrictive.  (Grocery Stores are a chain!) This is an old pattern that I have followed again and again.  I make changes that are so huge that I have no chance of being successful – perhaps that is a strategy all of its own.

I want to live a life that is in accordance to my values.  Often times I let my desires make my choices for me.  I heard a wonderful quote once:

There are people who change their desires to match their values.

There are others to change their values to match their desires.

This is me in a nutshell…this is what I want to most change.   It boils down to this…if I don’t make this change I am trading what I believe in for a double-tall mocha breve (yes, I drink breves which are lattes made with half-n-half).   

All in all, this choice has helped me look hard at why I am doing this. Having this blog has given me hope.  I am already think about what next week’s change will be.

Who am I, I meditate, I need to know. Fascinating thought, living in a world where there are no limits to what you can think and the endless possibilities of being someone you desire to be the most. I don’t write when I want to or have to but when I feel like. If I look back of being what I was and to compare that with what I am now, I really ponder phew! what a journey man. But to win a war is no easy task till many shall fall. It’s the infamous cause and effect theory.

But that is not what I want to talk about today.

The Question who am I… it really intrigues me on exploring the possibilities of knowing what lies beyond being myself. I have been hearing opinions and point of views of people around me on how I am. Or have heard a lot on how I am being pursued by others. It’s really fascinating thing when someone really analyzes you and gives their verdict on how you are. At this point you are at the edge of you seat and want to devour everything that will come out of horse’s mouth. You like to hear it all and more, especially when someone is really flattering you. You tend to get defensive when someone is trying to dig deep down within and uproot stuff which is bitter and real.

Ne-ways when it comes to me I really just want to fly high and be myself. I really do not want to hear what I am and how I am. I know much about me and really don’t need someone to tell me what’s next. Not to be rude but that is what I feel. To be myself and to breathe as much of life I can. Not necessarily you need to depend on anyone to lead your life that is something which you have and probably the only thing you own and believe me no one can take it away.

Wanna tell life, Bring It On! as much as you can and will take it with my arms wide open. Dunno what it means but feels better when I tell it or think of it. I am what I am and have no complains. I tried going into details, analyzed and did a million things to figure out what exactly defines me but all I could figure out that life is what you want it to be.

cheers

Sometimes, we judge that some course of action is the best option, yet we fail to perform it. For example, I had a lot of work to do last Saturday and I knew I should stay home and do it, but I went to Hartford instead to hang out with friends. How can my judgment about my all things considered best course of action fail to motivate me?

This philosophical problem ends up being a proving ground for various theories of action and moral motivation.

At first, the problem seems easy. Take fear. I know I should speak in my friend’s defense at his show trial, but fear of reprisal keeps me in my seat. So, sometimes I just can’t do what I think I ought. However, this is no solution to the problem because when I sit down, I’m not really sitting out of choice, rather I am compelled. An example in which my mouth was sewn shut and I was glued to my seat would be no different. I would in this case fail to do what I thought I should do, but not voluntarily; I was compelled.

In the case under consideration, I act against my better judgment not out of compulsion but voluntarily. I cooly and decisively violate my best judgment, as I did when I got my keys and turned off the lights to my apartment, all the while thinking about how I should be doing work.

Maybe the answer is that my best judgment was overridden by a strong desire. A natural answer. However, this answer too is trouble. If my judgment can’t win over my desire, then what power does my judgment have? How does my judgment win sometimes but lose other times? The answer to this question is complex and invites a range of positions.

Next time you are overcome with  weakness of the will, I invite you to examine the experience carefully, because in doing so you may gain insight into one of the most bedeviling philosophical problems.

Have you ever looked at the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle? Have you noticed how each little piece looks almost nothing like the completed project will.  Some of them, upon close inspection, may look something like the finished project.

If we look at that completed puzzle as one of your life’s desires, how far are you along right now?  Do you see half of a picture?  More?  Less?  What do you see?  Do you see how you will put all of those pieces together?  You don’t have to work hard.  You just have to believe.

Believe that you have all that you need.  Think of that puzzle.  Is it the completed picture that makes it so exciting or fun to do?  Or, is it the process of enjoying what will be created.  Believe it. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the result that is coming.  What you need is spread out in this marvelous universe before you, just waiting for you to pick up a piece, and create your dream.

So, I’ve had enough people ask me about what to get me this xmas that I thought I’d put together this gift guide. (Oh, if only my husband would do the same.) While I was looking for gifts for other people, I came across some things that I absolutely loved. I thought I’d post them here for anyone who feels like buying me anything. Plus, WHO KNOWS, maybe you’ll find the perfect thing for someone else in your life.

Of course there was this original post about things that I want. All of those still apply, except for the shark tooth necklace! My cousin Katie jumped the gun on even me buying it for myself and got it for me as a “thank you” for her photo shoot.

And the best part about these things… they’re all around $35 and below!

For my health:

My Fitness Coach for the Nintendo Wii. Around $20.

For my coffee habit:

The I Am NOT a Paper Cup cup. $16.

For lookin’ pretty:

A gift certificate to my favorite jewelry store Rockabella jewels.

Cute initial necklace from Urban Outfitters. $18. I’ve been wanting some cute little charm with an “F” on it ever since I got married.

A set of four vintage bobby pins. $28. From Sproutstudio’s Etsy shop.

For the home:

Shark fin salt & pepper shakers. $32.

Anything from the Animal House collection of kitchen and home gadgets. (We actually have all the things pictured, just fyi. But there are so many more cute things!)

Nautical charts of the Hawaiian Islands. $26. From oceangrafix.com

For covering my body:

Awesome printed tops from SuperMaggie.com. $20-$40. I especially love the ocean creature prints and the shirt dresses.

Admiral Waffle Hoodie from American Eagle. $25.

In the same vein, anything from the Deadworry collection on Shanalogic.com. $15-$30.

Spanx in all colors and patterns. $26. Love ‘em.

For my convenience:

Open it — 5 tools in 1 to open anything! $10.

For charity:

Adopt a sea turtle or shark and get these adorable cookie cutters! $35. From Oceana.org

Or you can always take the advice from a friend of mine, “anything orange, Star Wars or Hawaiian.”

And stay tuned for my next gift guide filled with awesome finds that aren’t just Megan-specific. Doing these are fun!

]]> http://nihilisticpoetry.com/2009/12/01/the-solace-of-being-nothing/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 14:01:39 +0000 Pablo Saborio http://nihilisticpoetry.com/2009/12/01/the-solace-of-being-nothing/

The afternoon came as an uninvited guest

in midst of my being nothing,

the amputated pieces of sky I could see

together with the regret of two trees

     beyond the damp window

seemed like the tortured bell of noon

breaking the spell of a sleeping happiness

in the midst of my being nothing,

the possibility of daylight and tepid airs

of a world altogether alien and outside

marred the fictions of my desires:

      the slow inactivity of self

irrelevantly smiling to the amusements of time

but this light catalyzing the contours of weak objects

like a cold wave reaching the feet of my dream

in the midst of my being nothing,

the noise of what is external!

to exist no longer as a particle in the stream

but as an invisible swirl in the drift

       layers of inaudible music

as the touch of night

in the midst of my being nothing,

rooftops like the written words

        of forgotten minutes

outside, alike, trembling

One of my high school friends used to log on her calendar each time she had sex with her boyfriend. I’m not sure if she logged the number of times she cheated on him, but she felt the need to keep a tally of actual intercourse.