I often wondered what other peoples lives were like .. i mean i knew myn wasnt normal .but i asked many times what was normal the street i grew up in had about 20 other family’s all with children around my age most of them were boys and they all played cricket out the front of my house due to the electricity pole we had out front .. some days they were nice and some days they would spit on me as i walked past .some days they chase me away and others we could all talk … i could see that they to were emotionally just as fucked as how i felt .. yet i didnt see any of it .what hide behind there house walls i wondered .i certainly dont belive anyone gets the fairy tale upbringing … how can they its a fairytale after all and those are fake .. we lived in a government house it was two housed joined together only separated by i guess the thickness of two double bricks and plaster and that thin layer of paint ..sometimes at night i would her the mother yelling at the boy next door coming from my bedroom wall .. id jump up excitedly to put my ear to the wall to listen in and they both yelled back to each other .. but the stupid sounds were muffled … i felt a cence of peace knowing he wasnt happy with his life either .. we sometimes would connect with each other by knocking back and forth on the walls to each other .. .the other boy across the road was adopted by an elderly couple .. he was a vicious prick .. probably had a big chip on his shoulder i dont know … didnt mean he had to be mean to me and hit me and spit in my face but i didnt blame the elderly couple for him they were to nice to be evil…i searched for glimpes of hope in my life but didnt find any from the world around me … but i did find it ,.in ever so small pieces form family and friends .. there kindness .. there soft touch and hugs felt like real love .. there listening of me was amazing .. it was those glimpses in life that i held onto ..those dreams of a life better that this i held close ..never forgetting that hope still does exist .just because i was there doesnt mean i have to grow up like them or be like them either .. i learnt about choices about life and taking control … many obstacles kicked me down over and over again .. wearing me thin so many times … death seemed a good option a few times but i didnt wont to die in pain .. i had been thru enough and i cant end it that way either …. i had to drag myself up ..stop the pity party’s and deal with life … who the hell was i to fail .. ive been forced to do it all my life .and it was time for it to stop …..im an adult now i cant sulk in the corner like a child anymore .its time to face demon’s time to wake up to reality … time to fight back .break free from the cycles i thought were normal or convinced myself were normal but always knew deep down i was just bullshiting myself .. i had to stop lieing to me first before any changes could happen .and here it is …

ellazuri wordpress.com . is my erotic story site

neemashaw.wordpress.com is my life story

queeniecat.wordpress.com is just me dribbling my crap to the world

catscooking.wordpress.com is me the domestic Goddess of cooking

If you would like to hear one thing in this article today I have it, that you should backup your video games before they are damaged. Benefits you had to destroy this advice from someone who has experience at first hand has two consoles and a large number of games. The first video game console, had destroyed me, I bear a mod chip, and I thought great I now can play my games without worrying I'll break them, but when I turn on the console went ondo not respond, and it turned out that the computer chip, which had installed on my computer, the inside of the console was fried.

The second panel, which I had also destroyed a modulation chip, so you installed it and fried it worked great for about a week, then suddenly my computer from the inside because of an ill-fitting mod-chip. The saying goes the third time lucky and this time it was because I decided to play any more money with waste chips inside my console to doubleGames. I decided to look for a different way, and I was amazed at how easy was the road.

To back up Xbox 360 games and my Playstation 3 games that I did not need on my computer or fancy equipment to take apart everything I needed was my standard PC, some empty plates, the original game that I wanted to reproduce copy, special software and a step by step guide to get me a copy of my games.

Basically I have all my games copy the installation wasspecial software, insert the original game Xbox 360 hard drive and then open the software. When I opened the software it gives me everything I needed to, for example, if, in order to insert the original disk and do the blank floppy. Once the disc has been loaded everything I had was to wait a few minutes, and my game has been copied and I could play it without using a mod chip.

COME 1996

i have neighbours from hell move in next door to us .a middle aged couple with 3 boys.they seemed quite normal and nice at first ..the father a short bolding man ..gave me sleezy up and down looks all the time when he said hello the mother was nice ..i poped over for coffee from time to time and we chattred about all our kids …she use to drink a bit ask me all the time if i wonted one but i hadnt drank or smoked now for so many years ..i didnt have the taste for it anymore and was happy to sit around and chat while she drank her beers .. i alwasy thought it un lady like for a women to drink beer let alone from the bottle ….

..i was such a nerd and always girly ..i never wore jeans i was always in a shirt or dresses unless it was winter i lived in my knitted pants that my kids hated so much ..said i loked daggy ..but fuck it …i wasnt interested in dateing hadnt for years now so no need to impres anyone was ther ..we got on well with the family next door mika would fight with the mother anne sometimes .but that was only bvecasue of mika;s big mouth as usual mika didnt care about peoples feelings and spoke her mind no matter what the cost was ,,,..she just couldnt shut her mouth ..made me embarressed hundreds of time out shoping yelling out …eww how fat is that women …or that man smells mum …even at school mika was in trouble for her lack of respect for others feelings ..she told it like it was to both adults and children ..i simply had no control over her mouth …i was pathetic at punishments and rules as a mother even with the councelling i tryed my best for a while but mika new how to push my buttons and everytime i pushed back ..she would go into her disfuctional mind behavour .and off to councelling we went .. i fuckin hated aimie ..i realy dididnt wont her here anymore ..she wouldnt leave hope alone .even thou they had there own rooms mika would just walk in and take hopes things off her to be a bitch and there starts another fight both girls would have physical fights all the time .and it got worse as they got aloder and as hope began to fight back ..even the mood of the house was determind by how mika woke up that morning ..i still had to take both kids to the toilet each time ..i was exhausted ..i never showered alone they were with me ….no matter wht room i was in there would be both kids climbing onto me fighting and screaming at each other …..and the women next door began goin stupid too yellin at mika from the back yard calling my 7 year old a slut .. and calling the police on us almost once a week …she send threatning letters in my mail box and throwing her glass beer bottles over the fence …everytieme you went out side no matter how quiet you were her boys were at the fence throing things at the kids …how ever it didnt help that mika wouldnt stay inside ..she provoked them all the time ..going out side and being loud so they would here her and start ..i screamed and beg with mika to stop …but nope my back yard was littered with there rubbish papers beer bottles from her sons and the mother aswell …the father came over to say sorry so many times .i could see by now he was struggling aswell .. things were getting out of hand i began to know the police officers rather well by now too …they always were on my side as she was alwaysd runk when they went to see her after she called them ..they just told us to stay away form them which we did but it was them peering over the fence when we went out the back …..this wasnt fair at all we lived sucluded from a back yard a play area for the kids ..and inside the house we were a mess still from the shit from the kids father and my bad parenting and bad judgments i had no friends come over .it was only family now ..aafter i gave uop drinking and the drugs my friends got all pissy with me saying did i think i was better then them now …are you kidding me simply because i dont wont to drink becasue every time i do i vomit ..and when i smoke i sit silently ina corner alone ….well fuckin sorry your ass is now inconveniced casue im not buying form you anymore you fuckers …. the assholes next door finnaly moved out and all went quiet again ..

i was still in constant counceling for my girls it never seems to stop there is alwasy something that pops up at home with mika that i cant deal with some sort of eratic obsesive behavour i cant cope with …but i also needed some time for me some help for me too ..i found a single parents group who give free counceling to single parents …. i took the kids with me .the had young girls there to look after my kids ..the enviroment was so warm so loving and so gentle full of laughter …..i had some councelling with cath on many actions crying every time i looked at her ….they held many activities there and some courses too …one was for basic caounceling which i thought might be good to do .give me some ideas for my kids leanr soem skills it could be so valuable …so i spend two full days a week while the kids were at schhol doing this course with about 20 others mostly women but a few men too ….whooly shit it was a very indeapth course to ….we all had to share our storys with each others ..it was tragic …it was horendous …and sad ….i knew then no way couse i be a councelor as a career but i leant some valubale listening skills i didnt even know exisited …i did begin to settle with my screaming with my eratic behaouvors too ..i get my certifiacte in bacic couceling 3 months later with .the kids now are in a new school a public one my bills are getting payed ..he are not so stressed from all the shit from the cult ..life is so nice now peacefull after my course had finished ..the place becomes like a second home ..you know the workers the people and its a safe place ..i then go nd do another 3 month course doing a non violent parenting course …again i leanr so much about myself and my parenting why i do things i do why i react to the things i do ….but we settle down things are great we dont need counceling anymore ….

not long after i finish my courses i was home and a knock on the door came i answered it and a man asked if i was neema shaw i said yes ..he handed me a big yellow envelope and asked me to sign a paper which i did smiling at him the whole time and being nice ..i opened it up to find i had been served with court papers …..that bastard was going for access and trying to then get custody of my girls ….after i froze for 10 minutes ..i calaps on the floor in tears ….he cant seriously take my babies from me ..i have spent years in counceling with them trying to make them feel safe again nope this cant be ahppening …i cant aford a lawyer….im panicing now my sister isnt here im all alone i cant do this ….i cant …i can feel myself reverting to some kind of weak pathetic bundle of usslessness ..so i show up alone at the court house to see there councellor and inform him of all the years of councelling and how we suspect abuse at the hands of there father ..so i refused to allow him to see them even in court …..he can go and get fucked ….i will fight the judge iif i have to ..im putting my foot down this isnt going to happen ….he wont take my children awasy from me and he sure as hell wont be seeing them either ….i got to court each month …i am given a lawyer at a small cost appointen by the courts ….the children are given ther own lawyer to represnt them at court too …i had to bring the children up to the court coucellors for assesment on weather they should be forced to see there fater as he does have rights too ….how ever after the court councellor spoke to the girls alone he thought too it was in the girls best intrest not to see there father tony either ..mika told the cuncelor that she was scared of ehr dad …on another court date the childrens lawyer asked for the girls ounceling files to be giving to court ..

yes i thought to myself 4 years of counceling and also 1 year with child protection unit files yes yes yes ……..if the judge didnt take this into consideration …then there is no hope for us …i knew if the girls had to see him they would go back to being scared again ..as it was i have been walking bothe girls to the toilet each time there still so scared to be alone even in there own home they dont feel safe and no matter what i do amime would go back to self mutilation again ..just the thought of going backwasrd brings me to tears i just cant succseed at making then feel safe ..do they not trust me i think …or is there fear of there father so strong nothing can break throu those walls …another date comes and goes ..i phone my sister up each night after a court visits we talk and cry for hours and hours ….as far as i am concerned im fighting for my childrens livesand for there minds …they would be better of dead than seeing him for even an hour in there life time …..i just cant go back to the sruggles we had before ..i have invested yers with my babies ..he just cant take it away from us ……the judges were doing everything they could to get him to see the kids but there lawyer refused tellng the judge it isnt in the girls best interest to see him ….tony stood up in the back corner yelling and screaming at the judges and lawyers .good i thought his true colours are beging to come out ..its been 6 months fighting him and he isnt winning and he is loosing it now ……we have many court dates and all just to get thing ajourned for the next month always waiting on paper work tony didnt show many times my lawyer told me to come everytime even if it was only to be ajourned …..after another 6 months and a few out burst from tony he didnt show up to court when the files were in …i wonted to kill this bastard he wanted to take my children awasyf rom me telling the courts i was a bad mother that my sister was brain washing me .the next month he didnt show again …on the third court date tony didnt show up yet again ..this was his third time not even bothering to show .apparently its 3 strikes your out ..the judge finnaly after a year of fear that i was to loose my children to him .gave me full custody of my children and he had no access

we were in a relashionship for 5 years and for 5 years after that i fought like hell to keep safe from him …10 years waisted

i finaly get into a goverment housing not far from my sister just walking distance actualy its great …….cheaper rent and finnaly some security casue now i know we dont even have to move unless we choose the only hassel is we now have to do a long walk then catch 4 busses a day two there and two back home ..i have sort of broken the restraining order and have been allowing you both to see your dad again ..i could get into big trouble if the police find out ..but i couldnt help it i caved in ..you were so upset at not seeing him …you sleep over his house sometimes and just recently went camping with him .its been ok he is backing off me now ..i dont realy talk to him now i just hand you both over to him and i dont let him hang around the house anymore so its all ok

we spend lots of time over at my sisters now she is just a walk away ..so we have been doing lots of things …trips to the zoo …bus drives to the big parks in the city …we even went to a fair and night time concert …you even got to dance on stage and rode on a camel ….you all behaved realy well

but by mid april 94 mika becomes clingy again there dad has had them sleep over alot this past month but it was easter so probbaly why ……but now mika wont go into her class shes been crying holding onto be not wonting to leave me again ..god she has done this stupid stage so many times on my it pisses me off ….wont sleep at night anymore not eating again..more aggresive cry threr eyes out when there father comes to take then ..hell im at a lost i dont know what to do ….im so tired .im trying to do more things with you kids you even go to acting classes now with my sisters lot ….everyweekend we catch more busses to go down the port to have your classes me and my sister leave you all there and go across the road to have a pot of tea and cake at a cafe and try feel human for just 1 hour ..we enjoy it so much.one time picking you kids all up we hear crying commin from outside as we ruch over we see little hope standing there with blood all dripping from her chin …she has a big gash after a fall ..my poor little baby she ended up with about 4 stitches which she was a real brave trooper and didnt cry when the needles were put in hope was always the brave soul we then all go back to my sisters for the night and sleep over again ..she is now single too she kicked her man out and is now raising her 3 kids alone too …..everyone still visits her and talk about there problems ..she even has a frind who is a little jelous of me becasue she will choose to spend time with me and not her friend

oh no your dad is doing it again …..with out even a warning …we often sleep over my sister house for the whole weekend becuse we love each other we have a tight bond and we are always of doin things with you kids so im often not home ….there was a knock at my sisters door ..it was the police looking for me tony had rang then up all paranoin becasue i wasnt home for 3 nights ….its school holidays for fuck sakes was that prick driving up n down my street again stalking me its been 4 years mate …….but he spun some story to the police saying he had spoken to me and i was being irrational and mental and that i had his kids and he was scared i was going to hurt then ….fucken hell ive been at my sister took kids to acting classes and the asshole is telling lies ..the police saw that we were all fine and happy and safe and dint persue it any more

but i rang the prick told him to fuck off again …….the next day he came to my sisters house yelling ranting and passing up n down her drive way i was to scared to go out there so my sistr did …hell she wasnt afraid of him at all ….they both screamed and yelled back at each othere it was so funny to seee him so angry and my sister didnt back down to him either he hated that even more ..women should show him respect he went on about ..my sister laughed in his face you could tell he wonted to hit her so badly but he knew damn well she would hit back ..she was stronger than him and he knew it too …..we didnt see hinm again it wasnt to long after that mika sayed that he had been touching her and having sex with her …my heart sank big time could this by the answer as to why she was hurting ehrself and so agressive ….i broke down crying and we wnet straight to the police station where aim was taken away into a room with out us there and interviewed but ofcourse after an hour she didnt say anything had happened so we were sent home …a few days later she said it again to me sitting on the couch …….this time i was picked up by police car and taken in …but again mika seemed to scared to say anything ..

..we changed counceling and were of to child protection services for more indepth counceling ….we went every week for a while at the hospital which tured out ok becasue by this time hope had had her first arm made and we also had appointment for her too in the same building so we spend so much time running in and out of the palce catching 6 busses some tiems if the bother her and mika;s appointments were on diffrent days ….i have to get me fuckin drivers leicence …i did renew it the othere day …anyway we sat out of all mika interviews …..and it wsnt clean exactly what mika had witnessed or seeen …it was clear thou tht she suffered fro disasociation disorder ….so a physical exam of her vagina realy had to be done to determain a yes or a no ..i was allowed in the room with her while this was getting done ..it was asful she had to take her undies of and lie on a table ,,,a small camera was placed just inside her vagina as i held her hand looked into her eyes and told her its ok and that she was a good girl ..it was all over rathere fast thank god ..and it was stil inconclusive as to what abuse had accured ..there was no penis penetration that was a sure thing but it still didnt rue out othere type of sexual abuse at all …so we continued with the counceling until the lady went on holidays and never came back i kep phoning up for a pointments to see her …they were to concernedb that iami had formed an attatchment to the councelor and we had to change councelors….i was tottaly confused about this but ok we did what we had to the new women wasnt helping us much at all and we seemed to get to a dead end with it all …nothing new was developig mika  seemed ok so i made the choice to stop that part …i was coping ok nothing was realy decided so charges cant be layed what else was i to do ..i was still so busy catching busses everyday plus hope still needed her apaontments with phsio with her new arm so i desided to concetrait on hope for a bit as mika seemed ok at this point

i had to be really brave this time the bravest i had even been in my life ….i had no choice but to go to the police and get a restraining order against him to keep him away from us ……..so i told them my story and things were put into place rather fast actually i had home visits from the police ..and a court date was made a weeks later ….i showed up to the courts alone and scared i was met by 2 officers a male and a female they took me to a small room first told me what was going to happen it will be a small court room with only a few people yes he would be there he has the right to contest this …i was to look at the judge the whole time ..my heart was beating i was so scared i didnt wont to face him i didnt wont to see him my name was called and they walked me to the room ….i had to go stand in the box out the front like the police told me i didnt look around i was so fearful i looked only at the judge never turning to the few people in the crowd ..i gave a brief talk about my fear ..so did the police officer on my behalf and with in seconds the judge ruled ..i received a permeate restraining order he wasnt allowed to go anywhere near me or the children .what a relief i thought …i went home feeling so empowered and relief that now finally he is gone for ever and i can deal with my kids …..without his influence i was sure that i would have the upper hand with Mika and her behaviour

things settle down a bit without him in our lives in fact without his whole family

its now late 1993 been single from him 3 years now and i can finally be at rest ..i can relax thing about me and thing about my kids ..so we get heavily into the counseling with the kids …it becomes clear that little Mika is not in touch with emotions ….ive been told that for the past year now ..i still dont understand how you can’t know if your feeling angry to happy to sad ,,to scared ,,but apparently mika mika “>coudlnt tell the difference between them …so dramatic life style changes went on in the house …… i stopped swearing …a reward chats was placed on the fridge we sat down together more often and spoke about how we were all feeling ..trying to make mika aware of emotions ..i began to settle with my screaming and yelling aswell ..i allowed the kids to play around and near me without making a fuss ..the hope was that they would be comfortable and eventually move further away from me …i began finding a bit about who i am ….well sort of ..i changed many things i did grew more herbs made my own soap..pickled my own onions .made herbed oils ….bath crystals ..i pulled myself into a natural healthy lifestyle for me and the kids ..

hope was now 3 year old and was such a good child she was quiet n placid and she was my cuddly one ..as for mika n touching …no way ..she was awful didnt respond to my cuddled and tried to get away so i tried to sit on the floor with her and play but it never took long before it ended up as a fight between us again ……i tried so bloody hard to contain my anger with her ……she did have many good monets to thou ….many times she would sit and go into her own little word quietly not very often but i did enjoy the times she did ….i at least had a bond with hope we have met a elderly man who lives near by he too has one arm ..he lost his in the war thou ..but it was great to stop and chat with him ….each time ..he always showed the girls his arm it was funny thou because my girls didnt know what all the fuss was about really …hopes disability became normal to us ..i mean she crawled by 5 moths yes ..early i know by baby standards but her stump gave her extra strength she walked like a normal child ..sure at 3 she had chosen to be a vegetarian but that was her choice nothing to do with her arm… we had seen a few drs about it too but there was not much to be done at this point due to her arm still growing so fast ..well worry about prosthetic arms later …..we were always out and about walking everywhere //many people knew who we were now been living in the area for many years now ….it was always elderly people would come up to see the baby but strangely enough ask me if i took thalidomide when i was pregnant ….well no i didnt ..some people would look away while there children would stare and point at my gorgoeus baby ….i felt rather protective of her but at the same time ..i refused to hide her or cover her up in summer with long sleeved tops ..no way ….. now her father isnt around i can raise her my way

she can now be loud and proud of who she is ..so i never hid her from the world ..life went on as normal people eventually came around to exepting her after seeing there was really not a lot different with her ………….

mika turned 5 and began school she was having issues with dealing with kids all the time there too ….when there father was over i told him …look we have some issues with her ..they need to be sorted out im not coping well ….he jst looked up at me and laughed and didnt give me a repsonse back ..i now didnt allow him to lie on my couch ..i was geeting a bit stronger now taking some ownership of me i bagan yelling back at him ……his involvment with the kids was nill all he did was sat there sing up some stupid song he made for her paying hardly any attention to the baby at all and repeatedly playing eye spy …over and over and over anagin and again …….that was now all his visits consited of for the hour that he stayed ..i kept my bedroom door closed now too but he would always make his way down the hall way saying mika wanted to show him her room …then it so happend she wanted something from my room so he would open the door to my bedroom ……..

the teacher had pulled me in after schhool one day worried about her beuase all her painting were black …from top to bottom was black paint….what the hell was i ment to do about this i thought ……the kids sometimes would spend weekends at there dads comming home exhausted and seemed not fed .mika became incresingly aggressive and by the time mika was 5 she was strongly into self mutilation when she got told of from me or each time i tryed to displine her bad behauvour she would sit in the corner of her room and .clawing at herself till blood was running down her neck.she turned into like some wild animal ..it was phycotic and nothing i did calmed her down …nothing i had leanrt at councelling could prepare me for this shit ..id pick her up from schhol and there was blood all over her hands ..she had become obsessive with bitting her nials down so much there was no nails to bute but skin till it was raw ..she would also grind her teeth on her lips till they dryed up cracked then again bleed her mouth all red with blood by the time we got home //people would look at me strangely ..but i had no idea why this child of myn was mental she was sick ..and i didnt know why ……we went back into councelling ….i would break down and cry at the councellors all the time …i wasnt coping at alll i needed help i told frank about it and that she needed serious help i ws scared for her ..she would say she wonted to kill herself all the time and i told her dad this …….you know what he did ..he looked me in the eye and laughed histericly at her looking at her and me laughing in a fit aof humourous laughter ………..

that was it no more i have had all ic an take from that prick …his daughter is in trouble and he dosnet give a fuck ……so why the hell should i give a fuck about him anymore .im tryed of his threats and sick of his ugly face and his stupid songs and his lack of human.morality …i didnt give a fuck about him one inch anymore ..i had to look after my kids and i cant do it with this peice of shit laughing in our faces anymore ………so i ended his visit i got up ..scremaed at him like i have never scremed before …..he was teiing me and looking at me frowning teling me i was a weirdo i was a freak and stupid ……i yelled even louder untill he left the house …….he spend moths driving up n down my street all the time ..i wass till seeing his family and his parents tooo ..while i was there ne day he rang up there house and spoke to me …..he told me to stay the fuck away form his faimly ..if i wasnt going to take him back then i need to fuck off …..stay away ..i told them and they all got angry with him tellin him he was stupid ,,,god that made me bloody happy to see them turn on him like that .he was geeting into fights at pubs smoking so much ….he was very violent so i wa sglad i stopped seeing him ……..bet he just woundlt stop stalking me at night …..it became clear at the councelling seccions that mika was scared fo him and best not to see him which was fair enough ..so i spoke to the kids italina grandparents who would come and take the kids back to there house every weekend for lunch ..they told me that they would agree to not allow the kids to see him …..but they fuckin lied to me …mika would come home looking scared and told me that she saw him he came to nanas house becasue she rang him up and told him the kids were there ……this continued for moths after i repeatedly told them we are in counselijng and he is not to see the kids ……it was then advised to me by the councelor in the best interest of mika;s mental health i should stop access to the grandparetns aswell ……they put on a big turn did there crying ..but is tood my ground ……i had to protect my kids from there sphczophenic father ….he contunied driving up n down my strret still …enough was enough //

….it has been a whole year now that i seperated from the tony ……..and i have yet to date or see anyone .my time has been spent enjoying the freedom of finding me again ….well i am trying to but again i dont have time due to my mad aggresive child who takes up all my energy all the time ..im again exhausted and tired all the time .so just drink and smoke do the daycare trips ..i basicly do what i have to do each day then sleep ..i feel really numb and so misserably unhappy still

tony and his girlfriend have come back to live in the city again ..so he is visiting more often making himself comfy in my house …..he never knocks on the door but just walks in then he goes straight into my bedroom to do a search for any thing belonging to a man opens my cupbourds .then searches the rest of the house while ignoring the kids .once he is satisfyed the house hasnt had a man in it and telling the kids to get away from him ..he then lies on my couch and had a sleep yelling at the kids to be quiet ….why do i let him get away with this ..i have no idea …but i feel all confident when he isnt around but as soon as i see his presence i turn weak and pathetic ..i fuckin hate myself so much for doing this ..i cant stand up to him my stomach turns when he is over i look at him thinking …i so want to kill you ..a kitchen knife right to the heart should do ….could i …i so thought about it seriously …i knew my sister would rasie the kids ..it would be worth goin to jail for the freedom .for me and my kids from this monster asleep on my couch ..it was as if he was a dog spraying his scent around my house still after a year seperated and with a new girlfreind he still owned me and i alowed him to own me too becasue i never stood up to him ……

he came over for a visit one day unanouced like was the norm he was alwasy trying to catch me out with a man …but as if ..i couldnt give anyone eye contact still i had no confidence still ..me and the kids were at the neighbours house having a BBq ..i came home to find him sitting in his car out the front and the look on his red face he was huffing and puffing …..holding in his rage ..we went inside the baby was put down for a nap and little mika was behind me …for some reson the grabbed me around the neck in a tight hold pushed e against the wall so hard and fast me feet were off the ground …i hit the wall with my head so hard i went dizzy for a second and couldnt see i could here the crys of mika below my feet …as he gets just centrments from my face pointing a finger almost poking my eye out screaming and spitting at me in his rage acusing me of having sex with a man ….telling me in his way that no man will ever get to have me ..and he will make sure of that …he said he would mess me up so bad no one would go near me …..i waved my arms about trying to make him let go but his arms when i hit them felt like they were made of iron .i kept looking down and mika screaming thinking stop pleasee just stop ..i didnt answer back at him i was in shock anyway but as my feet touched the ground again i do remmeber doing those quiet yellings ok ok i hear you …..he let me go and i picked up mika wiping my tears and holding her so tightly ….s he raises his hand at my face about to strike me his face was so red ….i fuckin hate that face i hate him so much ..i hate him i hate him ….

i thought about killing myself a few times it seemed the only way to ahve peace in my life the only way to be rid of him for good …..but the need to raise and protect my children made that thought go quiky ..but god it would of been such a good option ..do i do it myself or simply wait for him to kill me …those seemed at times my only options in life …

. but we stayed frinds after that i mean shit i wasnt able to get rid of him was i he controlled my life still with fear ….and stupid me needed him to buy drugs from now i was growing a few plants out the back ..and was selling small buds to people i brought myself a new washing machine and a clothes dryer wow some real nice new things for me many new clothes again the money was so nice to have new cutlery and dinner plates too …i had saved up 700 dollars to buy a car …not that i had lessons but i thought to myself if i got the car then it would encourage me to get lessons and learn to drive …as tony was the only person in my life a thought i could get to buy a good car as he new how to do basic maitenece on cars ..so i handed over to him all my money …he played a stupid game on me and said ha ha im going to keep it ..im not giving it back ..i laughed it off ..but he wasnt joking i never saw him for two weeks after that ….i rang him asking him to return the money he just laughed and saif its all gone ……the cunt …..the fuckin cunt ..he who never gives a me a red cent for the care of his kids ….knows how im struggling with money now rippes not just me but his own children tooooo .this man is the scum of the earth …..he is lower than low to do this …….yet again another reson for me to kick myslef feel dumb stupid .crash to the floor and cry my eyes out ….im the fool here ..im the idiot ..i keep doin this ..why ……..all my life ….im so fuckin stupid …….. again we make friends for the sake of the kids ..i continue selling my dope plant as its almost ready buds forming and looking wondefully hiden in my back garden ..i had a massive garden bed growing vegatables of all sorts it was massive ….i had recoved the 700 i lost but brought small things i gave up on the idea of a car for now ill just wait for the plants to finish growing and see how much i get then decide what to buy …i woke up one morning ..and it so happened to be april 1st ,,yes april fools day wasnt it ..like everymorining i put the kettle on for my herbal tea then look out the back throu the glass window to check my baby plants growing ..but this morning there was a large bare dirt patch in the garden …..my plants had been taken …..and i knew exactly who it was ……..he had done this to a few of his own mates in the past hed become tight friend with them giving them tips on how to grow the best dope ..then with another mate sitting at our table when we lived together that was make a plan on how to stela it all …..bring it all home cut it up bag it and sell it in small bags to his shattered mate who just got his plants stolen …..so i knew it was him the bastard ,,,i didnt see him for 2 weks after that

Just before i had to do a quick runner with my 2 small daughters i had began smoking marajunana but it was just at night after the kids had settled down for the night ….dealing with them alone wasnt easy you know ….mika was driving me crazy with her temper she was so embaressing to take out in public with out a tantrum happening ..plus the fact i was rebeling against my own persoanlity ..i hated the person i had become beacuse of tony …i was now so shy….couldnt make conversations with and one apart from my family i had become antsocial but it wasnt by choice ..it was forced on me ..when i was with tony ..i didnt smoke drugs or ciggarets or even drink so i started doin them all …i had long hair …and never wore makeup becasue he would acuse me of having sex with someone ….the fact was i would of been way to scared to even go near another man.

after we split up …i absolutly hated looking at myself in the mirror my face so skinny and withdrawn sunkin cheek bones weighing 40 kilos ..i was hiddious to look at i took a pair of scissors and cut all my hair off leaving it about 3 cm in length …i brought hair gel and spiked it up a bit like a punk style which reminded me of how i was back in my teens where i was free to express myself …..i put on some lippy too and began feeling that i at least looked better ..emotionaly i was so fucked but i can now at least go out pretending all is ok ..and after all it did seem like i was finally free from him and his manipulation……

his sisters found us a new house to move into within weeks it was a fresh start for us all it was gorgoeus black slate tiles in the kitchen a huge backyard for the kids all the rooms were large and we had some space to finally move around in ..close to shops and schools ..oh this was the perfect house for us 3 to live in …..

mean while mika was still in counceling about her bad behavour and tantrums she is only aged 3 but ..they gave some good ideas about time out and quiet time too and it looks like its going to work ..she came out the other day saying boys got willys and me not drink it ..my first reaction was wholly shit what the hell is this about …but after some days of thinking ..i figured it out …she use to go in the bathroom with her dad and watch him pee …so yeh stupid me thats where that came about ….her dad has decided to go move back to the house he has in the country with his new girlfriend ..which im happy about the further the better it will be …they have come down a few times to visit you but this week for a whole week he wonted you to go stay with them up the country ..i wasnt very happy about it a week is a long time and i was so scared he wasnt going to bring you back too ….i knew his girlfriend was nice. i had spoke to her a few times now she even brought her 2 sons over for a visit and we had coffee ..i warned her about his temper as best i could not to upset her or make her angry with me …but we seemed to get on well ….and im sure she doesnt want to be her mother anyway ..but my heart sank as i waved mika goodbye hopeing to god i would see her again ……

the finacial freedom has been such a big deal …… i went out and brought both girls both loads and loads of clothes n shoes ..i was even able to save up enough money to go and butthem both a gorgeous bedroom suite..how lucky you both are i never in my life had a new wordrobe or cupboards it was so nice to do ….now i can do the shopping eat what we want mind you we had to walk for 30 minutes pushing a double child pram .heavy as shit to push i can tell you …then carry as much food as i could on the pram or my arms …..we had to do that twice a week plus take mika to daycare twice a week too so we do alot of walking now …….i never went to learn to drive becasue i was to stupid and dumb and wouldnt pass anyway so i didnt bother trying i did however pass the written test at age 17 after 2 attenpts …i didnt dare tell tony i failed the first time …..he would of loved to laugh in my face about that one

Stavo leggendo un articolo di Business Week e mi sono molto emozionato per il futuro della medicina negli Stati Uniti. Io sono un sostenitore di assistenza sanitaria universale e l'articolo mi ha dato la speranza che il nostro paese sta andando in quella direzione.

Medical Cost

Il problema di assistenza sanitaria in America si sta deteriorando. Una grande percentuale del PIL del nostro paese viene speso per l'assistenza sanitaria e tale percentuale è in aumento ogni anno.

Questi l'aumento dei costi sanitari rappresentano lapeggioramento della salute del nostro paese. Il nostro cattive condizioni di salute si sta indebolendo l'America fisicamente oltre che economicamente.

I costi sanitari stanno erodendo i margini di profitto di tutte le società americane. Questi erodendo i margini di profitto sono rendendo difficile per le società americane di competere in un mercato globale.

Risolvere il problema

Siamo in grado di ridurre i costi in questo paese da:

* Favorire la prevenzione delle malattie e di screening

* Perdita di peso incoraggianti ini due terzi degli americani che sono in sovrappeso

* Eliminare le inefficienze nella assistenza ospedaliera e della tecnologia dell'informazione sulla salute

* Fornire un piano universale di tutti gli americani finanziati dal contribuente

Universal Health Care

Un piano universale eliminerebbe il problema dei non assicurati. Ci sono 43 milioni di americani senza assicurazione sanitaria.

La loro mancanza di assicurazione sanitaria aumenta i costi per tutti gli americani. Non assicurati sonomeno probabilità di ricevere l'istruzione di prevenzione e di screening delle malattie di cui hanno bisogno. Questo porta a malattie croniche, le visite di pronto soccorso, e la diminuzione della produttività.

Un piano universale con i programmi di incentivazione benessere avrebbe diffuso l'onere dei costi di tutti gli americani e incoraggiare stili di vita più sano.

Fonte: Dunham, la sanità Richard S. "One-Care CEO's Crusade" Business Week. 3 luglio 2007

My Links : Faucet Filter Elidas Talk Borishalolas’s Weblog

..i began seeing the son of the lady who lived across the road ..she was even more disfunctional but i loved her persoanlity we got on well ..she put mika in her place didnt put up with mikas mouth and in return mika actualy loved mary ..i needed to be that tough  and that strong for mika to respond but hell i couldnt do it ,mary reminded me of my sister didnt put up with shit from kids or others .i didnt see mary all that much thou she was off doing her things but her son. was a smoker and didnt drive either mika hated him and he played mind games on her to tease her almost behaving like a spoiled child himself i was driving him around all the damn time trying to buy drugs …while at night time he became a gentle lover and sweet and caring .he gave me the emotional and phyisical affection i so desired for many years ..just to  feel the loving skin of another human being was amazing again after all these years ..i would take anythink i could get ..and he was it …not the wisest of choices .but out side the bedroom he was an asshole he was a pig of a man embarresed me in public with his volgure mouth ….he was due in court to which i can he was getting charged for asulting his last girlfriend .broke a few of her teeth punched her up a bit ..but he told me she was mole and deserved it ..that was a litle scary and i didnt realy wont to date him but as he lived across the road how the hell do i back out of this one ..oh i was soo pissed of with myself too i hadnt dated or even had sex in like 3 years and i felt awful that i had just given it up to him ….for that what the hell was i thinking ….anyway court desided to send the little prick to jail for 6 months ..wooo hoooo my escape ..he kept writng me letters wonting me to visit him …me visit a jail ..no fuckin way thats a scary place ..i aint goin there he can rott ..he also kept asking me for money …haha yeh right mate i didnt write back to him ignored him .his mother moved out ..or got kicked out for not paying rent ..so that solved that problem from both ends for me now ….again alone settled and qiuet …kids at school during the day …

my brother’s dad was sometimes nice ..oh thats right . only .when he was drunk …..during the week nights unless it was thursday night ..he was sober he;d would come home from work and see us and grumble .about the noise or just us being in the lounge room watching tv …it was as if just our presence in the house made his skin crawl during the week ..he would have his shower ..then disappear into his bedroom for the rest of the night ….calling out to my mother for his dinner ……we normally would all go into our bedrooms after he was home because the tension was so high it could almost be seen ……i remember a few times needing to go to the toilet but asking my sister first …..go see if he is out there …she would argue with me about it ..saying noo .but i threatened to break something of hers if she didnt go look for me …..i opened out bedroom door only to push her out ..watching he go down the hallway into the kitchen to see if he was there ……..she would look back at me shaking her head no ..and off i ran to the toilet then just as quickly back to our room ……

.. on Saturdays mum drove him to the pub for a few hours but he was always home in the afternoon to listen to the footy on the radio…. footy was a big part of everyone’s life .we had a small sunroom next to the kitchen.which is where he was all set up with radio and stool this is where he would sit for hours clapping cheering ..moaning n groaning over his favorite football .team . his team winning or loosing would determine his mood afterwards…. then another tiny room was off that just big enough to fit the washing machine in then there was the cubical for the toilet …there was only enough room in there to turn around and that was after you shut the door ….there was a gap at the bottom of the toilet door about 20 cm high on the weekends there was this eirry smell of beer that went thru the whole house …

..it was on the weekends that we tried our best to stay away from the house ..we werent allowed to wonder the streets and wouldnt even consider bringing anyone home ..so we hung around a friends house just 5 houses down Stephanie would become my best friend in the whole world …i was lucky and when we moved into this new house the street was full of lots of kids all around my age group ..all boys thou apart from the girl next door whom i hated with vengeance and my best friend many 5 houses down .so i hung out in front of a house down the street ..was still close enough for mum to see us …i made friends easy n was very sociable loving the company ….but there was this kind of silent look i got from everyone ….everyone knew what kind of house we grew up in ..it was one of those looks of …i know you know about us ….it was a sympathetic look ……i got that form just about everyone around me in my life ..so sometimes it was comforting knowing that they knew but never spoken about ….

i hated going home by dinner time ..mum would go out the front and at the top of her lungs call out neema holly time to come home …..how embarrassing the hole suburb could hear here calling out …we said goodbye to our friends and went home to the smell of his disgusting farts that went of continuously and beer breath .mum would of normally cooked a roast .she cooked them a lot ..i think because it was easy to do not much physical effort need plus she would make us sometimes go and turn the roast over while it was cooking ..i couldnt count the amount of burns i got over the time on my fingers …and hands …or standing there mixing the gravy as dinner was dished up ..Timmy jumping in the kitchen and les grabbing mums ass as she is trying to dish up the food ..smacking her with a full swing of his big hand on her ass …thinking it was some kind of sexual game …who the hell knows .on the kitchen table that was already full of shit everywhere …..we took our plates and went and ate it on the lounge room floor .les stayed in the back sun room or just sitting out the back and pissing under the lemon tree ..

…but then at least he was able to piss in peace ….it wasnt so nice for us …..your heart pounded as you walked to the back room on your way to the toilet ..if he was in a good mood he would grab you cuddle you and with his breath talk and talk about how you are ..this was a nice night .he wouldnt let go of you and just rambled on his shit ..i tried not to spoke back or give conversation to him but gave him the acational eye contact glances or a nod of my head with a yep ok ….especially when he had hold of you …..if there was some distance in the room then i may of had a polite conversation with him ……you fucking hated it when you walked in the sun room and he was there .thinking to your self ….shit shit ..fucking shit why cant he be outside ..that way i can go to the toilet with out seeing his shoes standing just next to the toilet door ….but then there really was no difference even if he was out side …you could then hear his big feet and body shuffling just under the toilet window ..which was around the corner form where you just saw him …..what was he listening to ..the sound of us having a piss …..of course he hated it when he got caught ….behind the door …..i would open the door before flushing it …..seeing him quickly turn and walk out of the small room …which you knew damn well he didnt need to be in ……and he walked out the door …….

Sundays how ever were even worse ….that was the DOGHOUSE DAY

from 12 till 4 every sunday he would go to the doghouse ..it looked like a house from the front and was just down a suburban side street …it was also a mens only club…under no circumstance were women or girls allowed ..i remember a few times the wives putting up protest and trying to make a stand about the sheer sexism of the club ….many times to appease women it was brought up in there meetings …which in itself was fucking hilarious it was just a room with a bar and old men sitting oround drinking beer and having man chats about footy ..but ofcousre the votes were a unanimous NO .to allowing women to step foot in the place ..but for one day a year for about 2 hours on Xmas eve ….like we gave a shit anyway ….

..mum would pick him up and for some reason we always had to go …..mum didnt leave us home alone often at all and one of my sisters or me had to go with her .. my brother would run in and get him . he would get in the car and again the smell of beer breath intoxicated the car ..he was usula y in a non talking mood and we had to sit in the back and shut the hell up …mum would try n talk to him and make nice talk but all he did back was mumble

this was when we had to back off be very quiet and under no circumstances go in the lounge room ……yet again we did our best to not be home and go find friends to play with .. you had to have good luck to get into the house even on the weekends i noticed the more noisy the kids were out the front playing the more angry des would get some times it was ok …after the football he had videos he liked to watch in the lounge room and absolutely hated interruptions or us walking in on him …….

..but hey sometimes i needed things or to go to the toilet …..walking thru the back to the toilet /mum would be in her room lieing on her bed watching tv and eating her chocolate and drink that you had just gone and got for her ….you turn to open the back door only to find he had locked it ..purposely doing it locking us out of our own house being the prick that he fucking was …..so many time mum had to get up and unlock it to let us in ….once you had gone back outside ..he would come by and simply lock you out yet again .you were not allowed to knock on the front door to be let in ..but fuck him i sometimes thout ..this is my house mate ….i wonted to go to my room ..i couldnt be out the house all weekend for 48 hours to please him and i loved my time alone or in my room listening to my music …so fuck him ..the bastard locked the back door how ele was i to get in …so yeh i fuckin knocked on the front door ..he didnt answer so i knocked louder …..you could here his snigger of disgusts …he stomped to the door flicked the door knob over with force as to try n show he wasnt happy ..the video recorder was turned off as you walked out the room …he places his dinner plate next to him …then walked into mums room abusing her fucked off that we had disturbed him ….watching his videos ….a few times i got so angry ..i got what i needed from my bedroom and listening to him shouting at mum ..being so damn pathetic so before i left the house i shouted out …well stop fucking locking the back door ..its my house too ………..///what game was this man playing ..he hates us hell we fucking knew that to be true ….but stiff shit ….why make our life even harder that what it was already ………he continued drinking after he gt home ..the idiot once in winter fell asleep infron tof the radiator heater ..he woke up screaming at the op of his lungs he had burnt a whole in his leg .it was so deep you could see his leg muscle and it was about the size of a small childs fist …….i couldnt help but laugh and thing .good suffer you prick ..hope it fuckin hurts….im sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own house ….

….he fuckin pissed me of there was no privacy in the house at any time with him …on the weekends i bloody new why he spent so the asshole can stad by the bathroom window and listen in as we showered ..i tried to shut the window as much as i could but the wood was so dirty so much wood rot that it never closed fully …. he was so drunk and such a right fucking idiot we could see his dark shadow standing at the damn window peering in the glass had a pattern on it so it would of been very blurry movements he saw but he still did it every bloody time you showered or ..if he missed that and wasnt outside ….when you finished your shower he was so desperate to peak and peek while tying to look thou the keyhole in the door hid big fat head would hi the door knob so you knew damn well the bastard was there so quickly wrapped yourself in a thin towel as all the towel were so old fluffy we never felt and then you would as fast as you could ran to your bedroom and close the door get dressed half wet ..

he is adorable.. crawling around the house with his big saggy nappy on ..the smell of the plastic pilchards ..he is so damn cuddly and kissable we all love him so much ..i would spend all day playing with him and looking after him like he was my very own baby ..we sit n sing twinkle twinkle litle star .together he loves all the kids tv shows on he goes into his daze like all kids do …so cute to watch ….when we ate hot chips i would put one end in my mouth then he ate the other and we came to the end with a big mushy kiss ,,it was just a fun game we played we all played with him .we all spent hours pushing him on his little car ..and cuddling him all the time

..i dont remmebr him much as a small baby ..i dont even remember a screaming crying baby in the house either …but anyway he is here

.he says all the normal things a 2 year old does …saying .ta when you gve him food he loves his cookies …

.after a while not long after his second birthday actulay ……the terrible twos began with him….boy did he become a biter ..a screamer a real tantrum thrower ..infact …im getting very sick of him now…why the hell is he doing this ..even pinching me now little shit ……he wont watch tv anymore and my god he screams all the time ….and i dont understand this at all but he isnt talking like he use to …..gone is please n ta and he wont even sing our songs anymore ….he is falling to the floor in a mazzing tantrum now ….its al he seems to be doing now ..i so fuckin hate him .mums attention had now become full on timmy ..apeaseing him and giving him what he wonted now all the time just to stop him screaming …he now just points to the draw where his favorite cookies are kept .but he wont say the words anymore …he isnt speaking at all anymore to be honest …just this high screaming day after day now …and running he wont stop n sit down anymore ..something seriously isnt right with my brother anymore .what the hell is happening to him ..the house is unsettled we all fight heaps with each other..mum yells at us all …

timmy is reackin havok on my poor little sister he terrorises her clawing and ..pinching at her face and it is all full of sores …she loks bloody awful ..she screams at him all the time ……he sees her walk into the room and just runs for her ….mum isnt doing much to deal with him ..buying him books and toy cars everytime she goes shopping …he is a spoiled little bastard has tripple the amout of toys we ever had …100;s of little golden books .he likes to look at the pictures ……and talk about a collection of match box cars ….

..as my brother gets bigger and older ….not much changes mum goes to many dr visits now and timmy had special therapy now to teach him to play games n concentrait …..if you ask me not much is working ..he is still a little shit at home ….

timmy is always out the front running and pasing up n down all the time ..he is quite the friendly boy ..everyone in our street now knows adam ..he says hello to everyone walking by …he makes many noices too not realy anythink in particular just some moan ..some are fast noises some are long winded noise ….jumping up and down clapping his hands ……its almost imposable to keep him in the house now ….soon as he gets up he is out the front door .and out the front running n jumping around ..his energy levels are just astounding .you would always here mum yelling out adam will you get inside ….he would but only for 5 minutes …my brother began going to kindy …but it didnt last long as i think the teachers coudnt cope with him he needed so much one on one attention and there just wasnt anyone there to give him thta so timmy was disruptive to the other kids …how the hell he was goin to go at school i have no idea ….he cant learn he wont sit…he now has Autism

but the basted did get me one day ..i was about 12 or 13 years old …what was different thou was it wasnt the weekend when he was at his happiest it ws during the week when he was at his most antisocial ..it was late at night about 9 my little sister fast asleep in her bed by the door .i was lying there not yet asleep as i normally turned the light of and listen to my radio a while before turning it off and sleeping by this time my radio was off and i was about to go to sleep when i hear my door knob rattle hard ..it wasnt my ghostly friend because his rattling of the door now was very gentle i could hear heavy footsteps and breathing shit someone ws in my room ..and oh no it was him ..what the hell is he doing maybe he was sleep walking how very strange was this …as i lay on my back frozen in fear i breathed really lightly closed me eyes pretending to be asleep then maybe he will think im asleep and just go away ..he then sat on the middle of my bed ….what the fuck does he wont i thought then holy shit i felt the edge of my blankets being moved about i was so scared and almost stopped breathing …as his had came up and touched my knee …gently stroking it with his big hand ..then it went higher up to my thigh i lay there frozen as he continued stroking my thigh with his warm hand up and down many times …then he stopped and simply walked out the room and shut the door behind him …..oh my god i thought …fuckin hell …i began shaking …what was i going to do no point telling my mum she wouldnt believe me and she wouldnt stand up to him anyway i got up the next day still confused and scared i didnt wont to see him anymore or face him …i kept in my room strangely enough the next night my doorknob rattled again i knew it was him so this time i turned my back to the wall closed my eyes in utter terror that he even had the balls to come back i was so hoping my little sister would wake up and see him again i held my breath as the blankets rose and he rubbed my thigh up and down then like the night before pulls his hand away and quietly leaves the room .i went  to school the next day and i just couldnt tell a soul, i couldnt i didnt know what would happen ..well i did nothing ..a big fat nothing ……so i shut my mouth ..i couldnt belive it the next and 3rd night in a row ..he came back in…no i thought rolling over to my side again but this time with tears in my eyes i was sick of the fear .sick of him comming in and doing this to me but i was quiet again and let him do his leg rubbing …..how dumb and nieve was i thou find out many many years later after i left home he did the same thing to my little sister only she was more braver than me and looked to find him rubbing her leg and pulling his cock off with the other …i just thought he was rubbing my leg in some sort of sick leg rubbing fantasy .anyway after the third night it stopped and he never came in my room again ….but it sure as hell left lasting wounds on my mind ..all trust i had with men had now disappeared ..

mum didnt let us go to friends houses much but i insisted this time i was 13 she was my bestes friend we were close and had am amazing bond with her ..i arguded with mum telling her i wa going to sleep over no matter what she said ..i wasnt afraid to stand up to my mum on issues that i felt strong about and i needed time away from the house and him and her and just everyone at that time ..so off we went her dad sold budgies at the markets every weekend her dad was a little fat ugly sweaty man who stank and i tryed to keep away from him the first moring we helped him pack the birds in his van .trying to be nice and make conversation with him ….the van was done he was sitting down having a rest and all of a sudden her grabbed me around my wasit and made me sit on his lap grabbing my face asking for a kiss i couldnt be mean and jump um an be angry to my friemds dad althou i resisted his advances to me he got one good grab at my face and he kissed me and stuck his wet tonge in my mouth i jumped off him fast and got in the car ..again i was feeling those awful feelings of fear my stomach turning ….as we drove off …..we got there unpacked the birds then we went off to explore the markets everyone knew who she and her dad was so i felt rather important being with her …she introdused me to this gorgoues stunning older man about 19 that she knew ..after his work had finished he met us both around the corner we chatted and all of a sudden she left us alone he tells me to folow him as we climb into the back of his truck boxes everywhere ..he closes the door and we begin kissing and he rubs my breasts …he then trying to unzip my jeans that were so tight they were more like second skin ..i move his hand away as he keeps trying to undo my pants …we go back and forth kissing him trying me pushing his hand away ….i got so scared i just pushed the pig off me and ran out of the truck …finding my friend and telling her but she just lughed and said i should of done him he was good .apparently acording to her ….we get back home eat n bed time comes she makes her bed on the floor pegging sheets from one side of the room to the other so we were under all these sheets we were laughing telling our stupid jokes and her father comes in a bit bemused then he tryes to crawl under with us …oh how i was shitting myself but thank god hes so bloody old he cant bend down ..wheeeewww …..the next morning he calls me and my firend to his bed room she goes in there to put on her makeup as i stood there and watched her dad was liing on the bed ….realy fast he grabs me and pulls me ontop of him and tryes to kiss me i tryed to giggle and make a joke of it for my friends sake but i realy wonted to kick him in the balls ..he then rolls ontop of me making us both roll over and over each other i cant handle this shit so i jump of him as fast as i could and walk out the room ..we had another day at the markets..i should of gone home but i felt stuck we had to catch two busses just to get here i didnt know where i was i was lost she i was sure her dad had to be abusing her big time he ws a sleezy bastard and didnt try to hide it even ….my last night there was jjst as awful as all the other nights ..we sat in the loung watching tv ..he picked me up off the floor and forced me to sit next to him ..i thought it safer if i kept my legs crossed ..but nope …he too kept rubbing the inside of my thight too ….what the hell is with these men abuseing me

was i an easy target ..i look in the mirror and dont see an easy target ..how did they know ..what are they looking for in a victim and obviously i looked right for the part casue this shit keeps happening to me …time and time again i am so angry with me ..im gutless and ussless and cant stick up for myself .i was so stupid and dumb ……im just an fuckin idot ….i couldnt wait to get home … a few days later back at high schhol i couldnt hold it in i had to tell my friends atleast what had happened im not sure if any of my friends belived me ..but she found out what i was saying and we had a massive argument she accused me of lying to my face ,,..i raised up i didnt care if she was my frind i was not liying and how dare she say i was she was there she bloody saw his behavour was it all normal to her maybe …we didnt speak after that our friendship had ended and not long after she left the school altoghether

most the time he was good an interacted with my brother well ..but there were times .when he was liying in his bedrroom ..and you would here him calll out to my brother …praying that he wouldnt go in there becuse you knew what was about to happen when he called timmy ..but timmy being autistic not understanding and also becuse he loved his dad and wonting his attention would go in the room ….hid dad would grab his small body hug him tight and place him on his chest and begin his playying with him ..first it was a tickle and timmy would giggle lots

it was cute to hear ..then des would get a bit rougher with his tickling and timmy would call out stop …….but he never did stop

he would go harder and harder into his ribs now the knuckles would be digging into his little sides …his stop calling out would become ..cryes of pain as he yells stop …….then it became sreams of pain as his dad took things even further on his body ….. where was my mum ….sitting in the lounge room ignoring her sons now screaming in pain …..my heart would race ….and anger would bulid up .. knowing we couldnt and woundlt dare go in there and say a thing ..listening to the screams of terror now comming from the room ….. i coulnt tak it anymore ..i would place my hands over my ears pushing them as ahrd as i could go .. clentching my teeth together as hard as i can .tears of anger swelling in my eyes id sit ont he side of my bed bending over placing my head between my knees trying to drown out the sounds …..mum wouls casualy walk past the room and call out ..les oh leave him alone ….i fuckin hated my mother ……..what kind of mother does that ……i wonted to get a knife from the kitchen and kill the bastard .mum was pathetic and usless ..never goin in there and ripping my brother off him to protect him ……..what the hell is goin throu her head …how dare she ignore this …my head is throbbing ..my whole bodt tingling in pain trying to resiste the urge to scream as loud as i could ….that would only get me in trouble …….so we had to put up with this ..my brother always had bruises on his sides …….

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at 4 each night mum would leave and go pick les up from work and bring him home ..but on thursday she would drop him off at the pub ..come home we would have our dinner of mush …and always one of us then we had to go with her to pick him up at about 6 on those nights

each thursday night mum would pull up out in the street infront of the pub and make either me or collette go in there and let him know we were heer to pick him up … you opened the heavy door to a smoke filled beer smelling front bar ….was never rrealy crowded well not on a thursday night anyway ….he would give us a cuddle and say hello… i would smile and have to say hello to his drunk.. mates at the counter .trying to get up on those damn stools was impossable …….he then would bring us all a bottle of coke and pkt of chips each .my brother usualy pissing us off in the back seat and he went back into the pub for a further 10 to 15 to finish of his beer then we drove home …sometime a man oh it was sid …would bring my mum her fav drink a vodka n lemmonade in a fancy glass to the car .shed drink and have a quik chat and he took the glass back in…..

THE BEACH

As we lived just a 10 minute drive away from the beach …mum and her new boyfriend packed us 3 in the back of the car and would go for a drive on gorgoues hot nights …for some reason we were never takin during the day with them ..it was always at dusk ….

.HE would run straight into the water this giant of a man ..splashing diving and pretending to be a shark ..he was so funny making us laugh so loud …we screamed at the top of our llungs like kids do ………..he would try and swim inbetween our legs all the time being a shark ..it was funny …….he would get his head between our legs then …up with a wooosh we would fly and splash back down into the water . sometimes he just simply disapear .under the water ..all would go silent we stoped splashing me and my sisters would all freeeze.the water went calm shitting ourselves where is he goin to come up and who is he going to touch under the water before he rises up again …..some times he got both me and my sister at the same time his hand would rub his hand up out little legs as he come to the surface of the water .

..after a while to me it felt alittle bit creeper ..i didnt like too much attention so i would swim just abit away form everyone trying to keep some distance and trying to stay away form him ……..

.was it just me i never realy liked physical attention unless i went and got it myself ……yeh ..thats all it was just me being silly ..his touches and his attention was all normal things that everyone else does …im just not use to that sensation ………it was both fun yet a bit scary tooo .

mum would wave to us from up high on the sand ..i think she sometimes got her feet wet when we first got there. then we were off in the water taking no notice of her after that ..we were off having fun in the water …..to carefree to worry about her ….she did her thing we did ours ………….it alwasy got dark to fast there and it was time to go home …i guess we would of been ther only for an hour ..but these adventures didnt last long ..and it became longer and longer before we went again .even years somtimes and by this stage yes we moved house but we were still only ever a 15 minute drive away form the beach …but that was what we did i guess …

i do have memories of the beach during the day ..my aunty or even both auntys would ring up mum ask if we wonted to be picked up and taken to the beach with all there kids .it was like a whole new experience…wow this was day time beach ..and it was so diffrent to night beaching ….so many people the waves semed diffrent too …..everyone was happy and smiling …….my auntys even put some yukky sticky cream all over us …sunscreeen it was called ……..they told me it stopped me from burning ..hell i didnt know ..it wasnt like my mum used this stuff on us ……diggin in the sand with little buckets n spades was so much fun … piling the sand up as high as it would go with out colapsing ..patting it down realy hard with my small hands ……running with my bucket to grab more sand for over there ..to bring to here ……you dug a circle around your mountian of sand ……then the most exciting part ..was digging your whole that went from on side of your massive mound all the way to the other side ….with out it colapsing on you …. that was the challenge …….we spend hpurs upon hours at the beach with my auntys n cousins …it felt like we lived there ..there was no time limit on our visits ….

oh and how scary is this ….. ona few times we were at the beach the shark sirens went off my aunty always brought a small radio down with her listening to the football on the beach ..

i dont ever remmebr seing my mum there with her sisters and us down at the beach ..i dont know why .my mum alwasy stayed home alot ..not taking us to places unless it was her family ..she didnt take us to the park ..or the beach .or the zoo .it was always someone else in the family that picked us up for some great amamzing adventures .i sometimes missed her not being there …..would look around hoping she would just apear there ..but that wasnt ment to happen and never ever did ………..instead she stayed at home liing on her bed reading her mills n boons books all day long …living in her own fantasy world i guess …..

Dad had many girlfriends after mum and would sometimes come pick up all of us 3 girls and take us to visit them …there was one lady i remmebr becasue she lived near a big wherhouse …her house was small but she had a great garden out the back she seemed young and had 2 young daughters of her own cute both with long blonde hair that was gorgoeusly well brushed and looked after .

…dad would alwsy go on about how mum wasnt looking after us how we looked grubby n dirty nit infested too ..so often our hair was done in the bath with kerosene ..my sisters n me would all sleep inone room together while her kids slept in another room ……i remmebr one sleep over night ..me and my two sisters were all snugged up in our beds ..ahh the feel of clean sheets again was amazing …and so warm as well…

but this night my dad came into our room and told my big sister to get out of bed and come with him .she didnt wont to at first but dad insisted she come with him and now …..i lied there thinking to myself …..why did he take her ..why is she allowed to stay up later than me its not fuckin fair ….why cant i stay up late ..why does it alwasy have to be her when we visit dad ..maybe she was his favourite or something ….i hated her for that ….one night my curoiusity got the better of me and i got up out of bed ..in my pj;s slowing walking out of my room looking to sneek a peek at them hving some kind of fun that i had to miss out on…….but i couldnt see anyone ..the kitchen light was on ..the tv was going in the daken lounge room..my dads bedroom door just slightly ajar…so i slowly walked tip toed to the door to se what was going on ……..ever so quietly so as not to be seeen i peeked my head in i could only get my head in enought to se the top half of the bed …….and i saw my siter liy ing on the bed and my dad was ontop of her …….what the hell was he doing to her …i didnt understand it at all ..but it felt realy strange i remmebr i froze just for a second ..and my dad saw me …he yelled at me looked at me realy angry with strnge eyes i have not seen before and he tolded me to get out and go back to bed …my sister was liing ther with no top on but she wasnt crying so i thought ok things must be ok then ..i didnt know what they were doing …..i knew i didnt wont to do what ever it was ….

….about half hour later dad brought my sister back to bed sobbing ….she curled up faced the wall and cryed herself to sleep … we never spoke about it ……while i didnt understand what had just gone on and i ws about 7 yers old at this time was i nieve or to dumb to relaise …i just thout is was something she was ok with but i hope dad dosent come and ask me

MY MANIPULATION…….

my dad was alwasy busy fixing cars on weekends …he could build a car from just a key …..dad had a new FJ holden light green i think ……on weekends he would tincker under the hood and we sometimes would watch him and he told us what he was looking at or fixing in detail …..this again was some kind of bonding time ……but soo loved it and took it all in ……as i climbed the good old branches of what remained of a very old almond tree i sat and watched my dad fix his car …multy at my feet trying to jump up the tree too ……dad took way too fuckin long cleaning this damn car ..hours was spend washing ..n polishing .levaing not a streak on any windows ..when he finshed all ws packed away and he went inside to sit for a while …while i watch from my tree ………..i was 5 ..and i saw the car …..it was so shiny ..its pretty ..it was wonderful …so i went and climbed the car and sat on it .looking at myreflexyion in the galss window …..my older sister came out ….yelling at me … to get down ..the buckles on my shoes will scratch the car …….NO ……..HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT TO ME ..IM NOT HURTING ANYONE ..I WONT TO BE UP HERE ….she statred yelling louder trying to grab me off the car ….i thought fuck you ..your not telling me what to do ..i hate you sister ..i hate you ..i hate you .i hate you as we fought over me being on the car ….well …i had enough …thats it …….im goin to end it ……………i know ill get her in trouble ..ive done that before and she get belted ….yep …..so i picked my nose ……and wiped it along the front window …then jumped off the car my sister yelling at me folowing me into the house as i scream …dad look what sister did ,,she put boogie all over the car …dad …dad look …look …………well dad came running out and saw …….as i was alwasy beleived …she coped another slap accrosee her face ….my big sister actualy coped alot of beatings at my expence ..what i didnt realise was that some of them she was just trying to protect me from harm ..but instead i turned it onto her in such a viscous way .by creating lies to my parents …i was usualy never questioned ….they thought i was the good girl who didnt tell lies i guess ….so i used it to my advantage growing up …i survived by batting my eye lids and big smiles to con everyone ….and it worked ..so why stop ………………………i would get extra drinks from the old mena t the pub by my smiles and pleaseeee im thristy ………

my litle sister didnt get out of it unscathed either …..yeh but she was a pain ..i hated her too …..when she was old enough to walk and follow me …..it made me so fuckin angry there went my alone time …..my peace …..i now had her folowing me evry where i went ////my frinds wernt myn alone anymore ..she came with me to play with the boy next door …….she was taking his attention away from me …..and i serioulsy hated it …. we all decided to paly out side but i had convinced my little sister age 3 to stay in the room and play with the toys a bit longer …..i shut the door behind her and pulled the lock over ..so she couldnt get out and i would ahve my friend to me again …..we went n played and actualy did forget about her for hours ….his mother eventualy found her locked in the room and she has we t her pants ..casue no one heard her cryes …………

..while my older sister felt a sence of protection for both myself and smaller sister ……i didnt feel that at all …..to me it was a look after number one and that was it ……i had no loyalty to any of my sisters …..fitgh for your own ….was what i thought ………