Well its 10.30am here and just about everything is done.

Presents all wrapped.

Trifle made.

Slice made.

Prawns defrosting in fridge.

Turkey and ham in fridge.

Pancakes made for xmas brekky.with REAL maple syrup.

Dh is working tomorrow and wont be home til 2pm.

The girls will open pressies from Santa when we get up and then will open the rest when DH comes homes.

I am feeling very calm about it all.

I am missing my mum and other family but I am ok with it.

The girls have been fabulous.

We did groceries y’day am,they were so good,so helpful,it was lovely.

On tuesday I woke with a killer migraine and told them and I didn’t hear a peep out of them.so I let them watch the HP 4 movie as a reward.They were thrilled to bits!!!

Wishing everyone a wonderful xmas!!!!!!

So the last week or so has been incredibly rough for so many reasons.  I am not typically very easy to get along with during the holidays as it is, but I make an honest effort every year for the sake of my children.  Let’s just say that this year has done nothing but set me back to my incredibly Grinchy ways.  Oh well.  There is always next year, right?  Right!

Moving on!

I think I mentioned before that I think New Year’s resolutions are lame.  I aim to work year-round to improve and educate myself, so doing it once a year just seems cheesy and… perfunctory?  With that being said, it seems as though the end of the year is making itself a force to be reckoned with, at least for me.  It seems to be beating me over the night screaming, “Respect my authorit-AH!”  So timing be damned, here I am completely re-assessing and re-vamping what I thought would be my 1 year and 5 year plans.  Between not getting the scholarship I was qualified for, issues arising that I thought I’d never have to deal with, and other nonsense, my current plans simply will not get me where I want to go.  In light of this realization, I find myself once again thinking carefully about where I want to be in a year, in 5 years, and how best to get there.  *sigh*  Tis tedious business, at times.

Here I go again!

Ahead of the release of their new DH race bike, Transition Bikes leaked a pretty solid teaser video this week showcasing the bike in action. It’s pretty obvious that the bike seems to be working well for the riders, but who exactly are the protagonists of this vid?

Rumours are flying… there is a consensus. The e-speculation experts are convinced the riders are none other than Lars Sternberg, Bryn Atkinson and Jill Kintner. Time will tell if the former GT racers have migrated to the Transition brand, local to their Pacific Northwest region.

All in all, a good weekend.

My in-laws came and went without a hitch. Children’s Museum, early Christmas Eve, 2 sleepovers for B. And lots of nana & pop pop time as well. We had a chance to talk, briefly, when I dropped them back off at the airport this afternoon, too. It was good to hear their viewpoint. And for them to hear mine. And to know that they are, indeed, supportive of whatever happens with their son and me—regardless of whether we work things out and remain married or not. I’m not naive enough to think that things may or may not change if we do, actually end up divorcing, but for now at least, in theory, they’re there. Which is nice.

His mom cleaned the condo top to bottom. So at least now my DH has a “clean slate” again to start with and maintain. And they’ve decided to have at least one of them try and get here at least once a month. To spend time with my DH, make sure things stay on track, and obviously see their granddaughter. I think this is a good plan.

My DH did end up with bronchitis and a popped ear drum, though, so that’s a set-back this weekend. And he didn’t get to spend as much time with B as he would have liked. Otherwise, though, he seems to be getting sleep, and hopefully will continue to make good decisions in actively managing his bipolar.

I am a little worried that he wants to drive from IL to NH on Christmas day to go visit his bro. Not only has his bro NOT been a good influence in the past, but the drive itself concerns me. But we’ll see.

On Saturday night, I had a chance to spend some time with my former neighbor, ASP. It was great to catch up because we’ve both had our (un)fair share of crappy life stuff thrown our way as of late. After much discussion, we decided that it would be fun and potentially useful if we held a little party where we gathered up all of the bad karma-type things in our life. Or at least representations of them..and burn ‘em. BURN BABY BURN. She’s been valiantly dealing with the ups and downs of infertility for far longer than anyone should have to (and considering I think that infertility is something no one should have to be faced with, that says a lot)…so I’m sure she can dig up some pills and other parts of her daily regemine. I may have to drag a suitcase there full of stuff to burn, but I’m sure I can find something related to the bipolar, addiction, condo issues, work loss and so many more. I actually started a list on my old blog that chronicles the crappy stuff. I think I’ll print that up and toss it in the flames too.

We decided to make it into an evening of fun with friends…early in the year to kick off 2010 right. We’ll do it hobo style with a big ole barrel or something in her super sweet backyard (in the freezing ass chicago weather no less)…and I think it will be an evening of amazing women (and men if they want in) kissing some shitty stuff goodbye (hopefully) and welcoming in many more amazingly GOOD times ahead. It may all be a bunch of crap, the burning thing, but it certainly can’t hurt.

So that’s the plan. I’ll be packing my suitcase of crappy stuff…and I’ll bring the sangria and guacamole.If you can’t be there in person, I’ll let you know when it’s happening so you can be there in spirit and maybe even do your own little burning of bad stuff

Mark and I attended a very helpful session hosted by CFH in Leeds yesterday around a revised approach towards a standard mapping approach for CAF. CFH/DH have more work to do in order to conclude that their approach is workable and expect to get back to us early in the new year to confirm this, however, the approach presented looks ideal to me. It is certainly a better approach than the ‘vote by hands in the air’ approach we’ve been working through to-date.

Highlights/Actions from the meeting were:

• CFH/DH to confirm the new process early in the new year
• If confirmed, we’ll need to work with the BPSG to populate a spreadsheet linking our question & answer codes in AIS to the MiM Sub-Domains and SNOMED Codes (CFH will be sharing a very good presentation which clearly explains how all of this works – leave a comment if you would like a copy)
• Mark and I may need to re-design some of our proposed BPSG Workshops to allow us to make some decisions re CAF sooner than we’d expected (e.g. what content do we expect to record in a Westminster ICSP?)
• Not directly related to the Workshop, but discussed with Lincolnshire on the day – there is a developing feeling that sharing Assessments point to point may not provide any significant value, but that the ability to share (render – aka ’send and see’) and re-use/update (‘consume’) and ICSP would be of significant value to a practitioner

If CFH/DH go ahead with this approach, it is expected to take 6 to 9 months across the CAF Demonstrator Community.

I am a charge of this company’s e-marketing. Today I am going to send an email about our seminar announcement to thousands of our clients. I wrote the email and sent it to DH in order to get feedback or if any typo. He pointed out several places that needed to be changed. He sent me an email saying “I corrected and attached that on this email.” I opened the file but that was a seminar announcement I sent last month. I called him, told him your attachment was wrong. But, of course, he never accepted it. All the things he said was basically “I’m right, I’m right, I’m right…” You would be so amazed at how enthusiastic he is to protect himself. Luckily someone called his cellphone so we needed to hang up. While waiting his return call, I was upset, bit some of my fingernails. This always happens, DH just goes “I’m right, I’m right, I’m right…” for his self-defense. He called me back and I pointed out super gently and finally he saw his mistakes. But how hard it is to make his say “I’m sorry, I made a mistake”. This time I made a huge success with huge amount of effort.

You may be saying “If none of your action has not changed the way he upsets you, why don’t you quite the company?”. Yeah, that is right. I am going to, this summer. Till then because of the money and career I can earn here, I’ll stick it out.

Just recently, talks have circulated throughout the major league baseball community that the designated hitter rule could be on its way out.

Ever since the introduction of the DH Rule back in 1976 by the American League, the primary objective of the rule was to create greater run scoring and also increase attendance.  Now, 37 years later, Commissioner Bud Selig has created a newly formed “competition committee” which consists of 14-members that will examine and recommend changes to major league baseball on the field.  The 14-member committee will consist of four current managers, four current or former general managers, and four ownership representatives.  Also on the committee, MLB official Frank Robinson and journalist George Will.

Bud Selig has already come out and stated that he will “be guided by what the committee comes up” on various issues such as “scheduling, postseason format, umpiring, pace of play, and instant replay.”  Ultimately, the players’ union will have to approve any changes, including the possibility of having the DH Rule eliminated.  However, the DH Rule topic will not even be discussed until early 2011.

Now that the facts have all been presented on this matter, I have to comment on this particular story because if something like the DH becomes obsolete in major league baseball, this will have a profound affect on teams in the AL.  First, whatever the committee decides on (in regards to the DH) in the future, they must make the two leagues, AL and NL, both uniform in their game styles.  I don’t think a move to eliminate the DH is aimed at making the NL more competitive.  The goal is and should be to make both leagues have consistent playing styles.  I have never been a huge supporter of the DH rule that is exclusively only allowed in the American League.

I know people will argue, “well I don’t want to watch a pitcher strike out four times a game, or consistently bunt the runner from first to second every time they are at bat.”  Well, sorry to bring this to your attention but that’s baseball.  Baseball, historically, has always been played with 9 players, with one of those being the pitcher who also bats.  I don’t care if the pitcher strikes out every time, that is part of the game.  The DH completely eliminates the strategy of managers to decide upon whether to leave a pitcher in the game or to bring in a pinch-hitter.  I would much rather prefer watching a fantastic pitching duel than a home-run derby.  The DH, in essence, is just an inflated glory position for players who can’t handle the rigorous task of taking the field every day.

I hope the DH position does become obsolete and baseball can be played in the American League how it was meant to be played.  Will the players’ union go for it?  Who knows, but probably  not.  It will take much convincing and persuading to change the minds of players and union officials sign off on the approval of such a ban.  Who in the players’ union would want to ban a rule that allows players like Jim Thome and Daivd Ortiz to earn $13 million a year to just get hits and score runs?  Yeah, things like that will be extremely difficult to convince the players’ union otherwise.  But, nonetheless, just the possibility of having the DH banned is still interesting and we will have to wait until 2011 to see what transpires.

If I talk about family dynamics with my in-laws, to be fair, I should also touch on my own family a bit.

My family is all local. My parents are divorced—have been since I was 12.

Brother: He’s 6 years younger than I am. Has been dating his girlfriend FOREEEEEVVVVVER (say this like the kid in sandlot and you get my drift). Hopefully he gets in gear and asks her to marry him soon.

Mom: My mom is a very strong, overly opinionated, woman. She loves her job—but just got laid off. She has a handful of health issues. She never remarried. And I’m currently living with her. I love her. She adores my daughter. But if we live together too long we will kill each other.

Grandma: My mom’s mom. She lives about 2 blocks from my mom’s place. Just as I can’t live with my mother for too long, my mom can’t live with hers. But, at the end of the month, the plan—if things don’t work out with my marriage—is for my daughter and I to move in with my grandmother.

Dad: After my parents divorced, my dad remarried (a super bitch), had two more children (now 16 & 18, I think), divorced again, and has now been dating his new fiancé (whom I really like) for years now. She has 3 kids. Not sure if they’ll ever actually marry, but it’s almost irrelevant. She’s good for my dad. So whatever works for them works for me.

After my parents were divorced, my brother and I lived with my mother. I rarely saw my dad. Things were not good. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that we started a relationship again. And even now, it’s just “different”—not bad, just different than if he’d been an active father in my life the whole time.

I don’t blame either of them really for the divorce. I’m smart enough to know that they married young, marriage is tough and they probably weren’t the best fit overall. My mom is a strong personality, my dad is laid back. My dad took the easy way out—avoidance and made some bad choices. My mom reacted. No fault to either for those. Do I think things could/should have been handled differently? Sure. But in the end, those were their decisions to make. Not mine. So I’ve forgiven for the ones I have issue with. But there are certain ones I refuse to forget. So that certainly colors a lot of the decisions I try to make in my own life/marriage, specifically in relation to my daughter. And what I want for her. Which, like any parent I think, is always “better than what I had for myself” in every aspect. And even with some of the BS I’ve been through I honestly think I had it pretty good.

Now, each member of my family has been told varying amounts of information about what’s going on. They all know that my husband has bipolar disorder. They all, obviously, know that I moved out. (kind of obvious, right?) From there the information gets a little spotty. My brother and his girlfriend probably know the most. We spent the most time with them. My husband and he were pretty close before all of this went down. And they were there for me when I was in the hospital at all hours with him and needed someone to turn to to help with my daughter. They certainly don’t like a lot of the things he’s done. And I don’t think my brother completely understands the bipolar and how it works, but he tries, and they are both pretty supportive

My dad and my brother talk. So I’m sure he knows a lot of what my bro does. And since my relationship with my dad is “different” I feel like I can tell him more purely because he doesn’t have as much bearing on my decisions. He’s been supportive, he’s continued to welcome my husband around and while he also doesn’t really “get” the bipolar, he knows that my DH isn’t a bad person. And having been the “guy” in the rocky marriage a couple of times, I think he kind of gets that aspect.

My grandma is somewhat easy to talk to, but not someone I would share everything with. She also understands that my husband is not a bad person, but is kind of old school and while she takes the stance that take it one day at a time…she also doesn’t understand the nuances of the diseases. She’s just worried about me and my daughter’s safety I think.

My mom is a whole other ballgame. She’s the one I am technically closest with, but the one I’ve shared the least with. She is the type of person who will usually voice her opinion—whether it’s solicited or not. Often she doesn’t need to SAY anything, and the message is loud and clear. My every move is judged. Everyone’s every move is judged. Especially my husband’s. The minute he wasn’t there for me after had the complications after my daughter was born, he was removed from “good son-in-law” status…and moved to “just like my ex” status. And once that move is made. There is no returning. And no acceptable reason/excuse for it. She blames his parents. She blames him. She doesn’t really understand (nor care to) the bipolar. She certainly has no respect for and tolerance of the addiction stuff as that was something my dad had some issues with. So it leaves me in a position where I’m now living with her, but we just plain don’t talk. I don’t want to deal with the judging. I don’t want to give her any more ammunition. Because if my DH and I do make this work, it’s already going to be extremely difficult to overcome any of the damage that has been done in her eyes. Actually, I’m pretty sure it will be impossible. Which sucks.

It also makes holidays suck. And it makes my mention of letting my daughter stay overnight with her grandparents and dad this weekend without me suck—because my mom clearly thinks I’m making a bad decision. I chose to share this information, and she didn’t SAY anything, but the glaring eye look said it all.

Sadly, at the end of the day, my inability to share what’s really going on, results in my not feeling like I have my family there to support me…because they don’t support him. And I could really use the support right now.

I’m not saying they’re not supportive. Really they all are. My mom’s just seems more “conditional” when it comes to my husband. And I think she expects me to handle things exactly like she did. When in reality it’s some of those decisions that are driving my decisions today. Except I want to do the opposite. And as long as doing so doesn’t jeopardize my well-being or my daughter’s. I think that’s my decision to make.

If we are able to make this work, I’m going to try and get everyone educated a bit more on bipolar. It may not make any difference at all, but it sure would be nice.

[[Story from AP newswire]]

Above: Hideki Matsui

Los Angeles, CA: 12/15/2009

Newswire services reported that in a whirlwind of moves yesterday, that the Southern California American League baseball representative, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, were stripped of their pitching ace when the Boston Red Sox, led by the clever tactician, GM Theo Epstein, stole John Lackey from under the noses of their sunburnt, rhinoplastied fans and management.  

After the Lackey deal was reported, AP caught up with Angels GM, Tony Reagans on a beach near Balboa Island just after he had returned from catching some truly gnarly waves.  Said Reagans of Lackey’s move to Boston, “This, this is a bummer man.  Y’know?”  Plus, I heard that Toronto had a really, like, super-good pitcher [ace, and former Cy Young Roy Halladay] that we maybe could have traded for, but I guess that didn’t happen.”  Then he added, “I dunno, it’s the hollidays man so I’ve just been kicking it with the fam, drinking a little sambuca by night and hitting the surf by day, na’mean?”  He then went on to reassure Angels fans by saying that he was “pretty sure” that the “dudes back at Angels HQ — that’s what we call our offices, it sounds all Dragnet and shit, y’know — any way, they told me they were working on signing Godzilla to be our new DH.  Which, dude, you gotta admit is pretty gangsta.”  Reagans went on to discuss the details of what he understood to be Godzilla’s scouting report.  According to the GM, Godzilla was a creature of semi-apocalyptic proportions who was “at least” three hundred feet tall, utterly terrifying, and could “dollars to donuts” hit for both power and average.

Upon learning that a “pitcher dude who was really good for the Indians” — i.e. Cliff Lee, a player which the Angels may have acquired themselves with the right package of prospects going to the Philadelphia Phillies — was sent to the AL West rival, Seattle Mariners as part of the trade which sent Roy Halladay to the Phillies, Reagans released the following press statement:

“Fuck me.  My bad, dudes.” 

-AP

[[AP update:]]

Angels GM publicly expressed shock upon learning that the mythical beast Godzilla that he had hoped would lead his team to another division title was in fact merely a 30-something Japanese ballplayer with arthritic knees who the “effing New York Yankees” were not even willing to overpay for.  On the other hand, Reagan noted, “I’m still told he can hit for both power and average.”

-AP

BTW – This story is a satire; cleary.  No one at the actual AP even knows this fake story exists.

So earlier this week, I think I mentioned that I reached out to my MIL & FIL. They live out-of-state. We’ve had kind of an interesting relationship…they were good and then things got a little rocky when my daughter was born. We worked through that (kind of) and then the things with my husband hit. They have another son who also has bipolar (in and out of jail in another state, non-compliant with meds, addiction issues, etc) and have been dealing with that for years. But when the BP hit my DH, who was the golden child, it was — I can only imagine —very difficult to take. They were helpful in that they were there to care for my DH when I wasn’t able to. His mom moved here to help him and provide a place for him to stay when he was too angry or anxious to be safe around our daughter. His dad was also there in many ways for us. For that I am forever grateful.

Prior to everything happening with the bipolar, my husband chose to keep them very much in a bubble. Kind of an “ignorance is bliss” approach. Especially with his mom, who he and his brothers essentially treated like a fragile flower, because she has depression. But when everything started going down with the addiction and bipolar, there was no way we could continue to keep things from them, we needed everything on the table so all hands could be on board to help. And in order to help, I felt they needed to know what was going on, no matter how hard it would be to hear. He was, after all, their son. So I kept them up to date on everything as we moved through the different stages of the bipolar and diagnosis.

I’m pretty sure that they always felt that I wasn’t supportive enough for their son. Cold, unsympathetic, the works. Maybe that’s true, but the main issue in my mind, is that I’m not like his mom. I’m more like his dad (I think) in how I handle things. Very practical: problem = answer, I will listen, I will be there physically, but I will never be the one who says things like, “Aww, you poor thing” or ” oh honey, are you sure you’re doing ok?” That’s just not me. It never has been. So this isn’t a big shocker, or at least it shouldn’t be. That’s not to say I’m not caring or considerate. But that whole “motherly” way of handling situations has never come easy. Even with my own child. And to “mother” my husband is just plain foreign to me. I choose to DO things…clean, step up and take care of finances, handle the day to day…not deal with the emotional aspect. Make sense?

It got pretty bad, and very obvious over this past labor day weekend for my brother-in-laws wedding out east. My DH was the best man. He was hospitalized right before for mania, released just in time for the wedding and continued to make really poor decisions. Finally, he made it out (barely) to meet us for the occasion. I was not only embarassed by his behavior, I was crushed. And emotionally exhausted. He was pretty much high the entire time. Brought suitcases full of minis with him (another of his addictions). This was also when I discovered the severity of the financial damage he’d done. His parents were there for it all. They witnessed him at his worst. Thankfully it wasn’t just me, the cold wife making things up anymore as to just how bad things were (not sure if they thought that, but that’s what it seemed like).

We continued to be in contact with his therapist, my therapist, his psychiatrist and came up with a “plan” on how to deal with things from there. He would go back home with his parents. I would go home to Chicago. His dad accompanied him back home eventually, and my DH bounced between our place and his parents. Until ultimately, I moved out.

The hardest. Decision. Ever.

Now, my MIL & FIL are coming in town this Wed-Mon to celebrate an early Christmas in Chicago.

I haven’t been in touch with my in-laws, aside from weekly calls with our DD, since I moved out of the condo in October. So, this week I sent them an email.

I wasn’t sure what to really say, or how to say it. But I know I needed/wanted to do it. I’m glad I did.

I think that ultimately while our roles may be different, our goal is the same: That each of us is living a happy, healthy life. And my daughter—their granddaughter—is placed as the #1 priority.

I think we both struggle with some of the same questions: How much is in my DH’s control? How much is controlled by the BP? And one that I hadn’t considered (and was brought up by my MIL): How much of this is my DH paying lip service just to avoid confrontation (something he has always truly hated)? There is some minimal comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this line of questioning. You know, like what if it were obvious to them and not to me?

Ultimately, I’m curious to see how this coming week/weekend goes.

I haven’t left my husband alone with our DD since August. I know he’d like to have her stay overnight over the weekend since his parents are in town. I’m ok with it if they are there to take care of her…but that’s the only reason I’m ok with it. And even being ok with it doesn’t mean it will be an easy thing to do. So we’ll see how I handle that. And I say this not as someone who has a problem leaving her with people. My dad, mom, brother, brother’s girlfriend, friends, whatever. If I trust them, I’m generally ok with it. But given the history here, it’s sad that I have such a hard time leaving her with her father. I wish this wasn’t the case. I want to trust him. And while I don’t think he’d ever intentionally hurt her, the unintentional irresponsibility as a result of his illness concerns me greatly. And I’m just not willing to let our DD be a guinea pig while he figures out if he’s stable enough to handle something like that. Especially when he’s not showing any other signs of stability.

At the end of the day, my MIL & FIL let me know that they support me in my decision to move out of the condo, and that they know I’m putting our DD first in all of this. They hope to help my DH as best they can, and enjoy the holiday with all of us while they are here. So I have hope that things will go well. And that no matter what happens with my husband and I, I intend to work with them to ensure that our granddaughter gets to have a wonderfully loving relationship with her grandparents.

But for now, I need to get through this weekend. And see how things go.

I’m sure many of you would agree that weekends are WAY too short.

When you’re a parent who works outside of the home, I think it’s safe to say they seem even shorter.

I feel like I’m continually feeling guilty for not being able to DO things with my daughter during the week. And our time is limited to the (now) short drive to drop her off in the morning at my godmother’s place (who watches her), and then from 6:30-8pm each evening after work when I pick her up. I’m one of those people who hates dealing with obnoxious people in crowded settings so on the weekends, the mere thought of packing up and going to places like the Zoo (even though we’re members), Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, Children’s Museum, LegoLand, Navy Pier or any other kid/family friendly entertainment venue leaves me feeling like I’d rather poke my eyeballs out with a spoon than subject myself to that misery. Did I mention I’m not a fan of kids?  Yah, that doesn’t help much either.

But it leaves me feeling torn. I feel like I should do as much as I can with my daughter on the weekends and spend some quality time with her. And given that the Chicago weather is not particularly conducive to being outside these days, that leaves minimal options left. And everyone else seems to have the same idea.

Today, we did the obligatory santa photo at the mall. I’ve learned in my limited experience in parenting that this one is easily handled by just being there 15 minuted prior to Santa’s arrival. And it will make it a relatively painless experience for all. May even end up with a photo of a child with a smile at the end.

About 2 weeks ago, I got a newsletter from the zoo about some holiday events. One of them was a brunch with Santa. I asked my DH if he wanted to go, maybe when his parents were in town. Never heard back. When I did, finally, everything but one timeslot was booked solid. So I grabbed it. Even though it was smack-dab in the middle of nap time and would very likely result in one super cranky, overtired toddler and one very stressed out mom.

I’m glad we went. It was a very nice brunch. Not too huge, Santa was there, and a frosty the snowman character. Santa took plenty of photos and gave each child a toy gift, the food spread even had non-breakfast items, which is key for me since I hate all things breakfast. So, once we got past the initial joy of DD spilling of a full glass of OJ on her new dress (thankfully it was a black dress), and a minor meltdown mid-way through, we were in the clear.

Oh, and my DH actually made it too. Despite my 3 phone calls in the morning to remind him and make sure he was awake, I got a call at 1pm. He had clearly just woken up. Didn’t know what time it was. I was not happy. See, he doesn’t have a land line. Which in itself wouldn’t be an issue except that his phone is always dead, on vibrate/silent, upstairs when he is down, or (insert your own excuse here). I’m tired of the excuses. Oh, and of course his alarm clock doesn’t work. Shocking. I’m so over the excuses. Get a new battery. Turn your phone on high volume indefinitely, make a conscious effort to make sure it’s always close by…or invest in a land line. And a new alarm clock (though he’s getting that from me for Christmas).

On the “up” side, he seems to be semi-responsible about his finances. He decided to take out $21K from his life insurance policy before deciding to close it because it was way too expensive to keep up. With this he’s going to pay off the debt that he incurred during his manic episode. But since he’s STILL manic, he doesn’t trust himself with the money (I’m grateful he recognizes this) and has deposited it into the account I an access and move it into a safe account he can’t touch. He has, however, been spending money like water in the mean time, so that worries me. A lot. But we’ll see.

All in all, I’m just feeling like this weekend was productive (for me) in that I feel like I got a lot done. But I’m feeling like I’m exhausted. No time for rest, really. And bedtimes with the toddler are still a battle each evening.

So, we’ll see.

Separate the bipolar from the person.

I hear this all the time. In books. On websites. In therapy. In support groups. On blogs. From my DH.

MUCH easier said than done.

Logically, I know that my husband would never willingly blow through our savings, make ridiculous purchases without consulting me, argue with me for the sake of arguing, throw things, sleep for days on end—or stay up for days on end. I would like to think that he would not willingly jeopardize his safety, my safety and that of my daughter. I would like to think that if he knows the consequences of his actions, he will make the right choices. I would like to think that he would want to go to work, be dependable and be considerate of others.

But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when he does those things because he is manic or depressed and suffering from a bipolar episode. Because the reality is that physically…HE still did those things. There is no one else to hold accountable. I can’t ignore the reality of the situation. And how do you hold someone accountable for something that they very often either have no recollection of doing or can’t control. It’s such a gray area. A slippery slope, if you will.

I can’t ignore the facts. I can’t wish the (bad) actions and choices away.

And I can’t along the way, ignore the reality is that this bipolar and the actions and choices that are made as a result of it do some serious damage. Beyond the financial damage, far more important to me is the emotional stuff: the damage to trust and respect.

We’ve always had a very trusting relationship. I was never the jealous type. I always went into things with the idea that at the end of the day if he was going to cheat (or do anything I would obviously disapprove of), he would do it regardless of whether I was all jealous about it. And if/when that time came he would need to deal with the consequences of his actions. No sense getting all worked up over something in the mean time. Live your life and treat your partner with respect and in the end it will all work out. Well, this BP thing throws a whole new wrench into that game. Because now he’s doing things that he knows I’m completely against…is breaking my trust in the process, disrespecting me, and in turn making me lose respect for him. And I’m left asking how much of this is his fault? And how much can I hold him accountable for? And probably most important HOW do I hold him accountable? (suggestions please?)

Like, when I say, point blank that I will not tolerate marijuana use in our marriage. Not because I’m some prude, but because, there is a time and a place for it, it’s illegal, and we have a toddler. That’s not an ultimatum in my mind. (I’m not a fan of those either, generally speaking) That’s just being clear about what I feel is acceptable at this point in my life. From my husband. So when it’s disregarded—time and time again—how many chances do I give for redemption? Especially when it’s blamed on the bipolar (self-medicating, addictive behavior, etc) and I’m met with apology after apology, which just seems hollow after a while.

The fact is I hate being put into a position to HAVE to hold him accountable. Because in the end: no one wins. Least of all: our daughter.

So I continue with this ongoing battle of trying to separate the bipolar from the person and cling to whatever little bits of respect and trust still exist in our marriage. And I pray that in the end, I’m doing the right thing for me. And for us.

As I’ve stated before, I had met and married the man of my dreams. He was tall, athletic build, enjoyed sports—watching and playing—he came from a good family, a good school, had a good job. We balanced each other and we started to make plans together.

You know, the kind of “normal” plans one makes when they get married.  We already had a condo, but eventually that would lead to a house of some kind. Our biggest questions were deciding where that house would be. When we’d have kids. How many kids we’d have. That he’d have a “game room” or den for himself and the rest of the house would be mine to do with as I pleased. I’d have my car that was leased and we’d re-up every 3-5 years. His would be the one we drove into the ground. **

**I love cars…he sees them as just a way to get from point a to point b.

We’d do Thanksgivings in Florida with his parents, Christmas here with my family. We’d probably have kids 3-4 years apart. He wanted 5 kids. A full basketball team. I wanted 2. We joked that if he wanted 5 it needed to be with someone else…and we’d compromise at 3. Of course, he was CONVINCED that he would only have boys. Because, you know, it “takes a man to make a man”—We ended up with a girl. I’m thrilled. He is too, but it took some getting used to coming from a house full of boys.

My DH always had the “better” job of the two of us. Better, meaning: he made more money. Like double more. But I typically enjoy working. (although not right now) And I know myself well enough that I could never be a full-time stay at home mom. Trust me, this is in my best interest…and my child’s. I’d always have a desire to work outside the home, even if only part time. We’d always talked that his consulting job would probably stop when we had kids so he could be home, too. That just made sense. So he could be at the school events, partifipate in daily activities, the “usual” dad stuff. Technically, the option for me to stay home in some capacity always existed. And I always thought I’d take advantage of that option at some point. It was always nice to know it was a possibility with a little planning.

So basically, we were in synch and we always lived well. Nothing super crazy extravagant, but well. Good jobs. Nice place. Nice cars. Good family. The works.

By the time the BP had hit, my DH had already been questioning his choice of careers. So while that may have been inevitable anyway, I always felt that all we’d need to do is plan for a change in career and we’d be ok. i.e. downsize some things, save money—basic financial planning.

And after our daughter was born I had some pretty major complications that led to additional surgery and procedures. This quickly and seriously changed my view on how many kids I was willing to have. One was great. And we had that. But two was the max. Our original “plan” of three was way more than I was willing to put myself through given the first baby experience and what would be involved in having more children.

And obviously, the BP also had a major impact on “the dream.”

It inevitably left me with a lot of very serious choices to make. After his multiple hospitalizations and leaves from work, I knew that I would forever need to be a full-time worker. If for no other reason than I will need to be the one who provides the health insurance and other benefits to support our family. Aside from the benefits, we also would not be able to rely upon his income. Which meant that our spending habits and plans for the future needed to change pretty dramatically. His salary needed to become bonus money…not stable base salary kind of money.

So when he was in his first episode, I was left stressing about covering our mortgage, paying our bills and so much more. At one point we’d put our condo on the market, sold it, moved out to my dad’s to save money and figure out what happened next…and then the sale fell through. This was the beginning of what is now known as the mortgage crisis. This move ultimately seemed to make things worse for my DH, but alleviated stresses for me. Sure I was driving forever to work and back, as was he (when he was working) but it was supposed to alleviate the worry of a mortgage I couldn’t afford on my own salary. Idea was good. Reality was not.

Ultimately, beyond the financial stability issues and ability to be covered by health insurance…which is a pretty big deal when you have someone with a chronic illness in your household…the other major thing that affected my “dream” was the future of our family. The idea of going from 3 kids to 2 kids and now to one. With our relationship taking as big of a hit as it has, the last thing I want to consciously do is end up basically a single mom (whether still married or not) with two kids. If need be, I can do it with just me and one child. With two, the stakes are raised. I’d be left with a toddler and a newborn. And all the stresses that accompany being the caretaker, provider, and so much more. I can’t consciously make that decision. At least not when knowing just how difficult it would make it for myself. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. I want my daughter to have a sibling. She loves other kids and would be a great big sister. But that’s just not very realistic right now. And it makes me so sad. For her. More than for me. That she will probably never have a little brother or sister. I try not to think about this too much as it really makes me upset.

That’s not even to mention the recurring thought of: will my daughter end up with bipolar? OR some other genetic mental illness? If we were to have another child, even aside from my other concerns raised above, our chances of having a child who is also affected by mental illness of some sort drastically increases, I’d imagine. My DH comes from a family where he has one brother who also has bipolar, another brother with ADD and a mom with depression. Odds, not looking good there. I’m not normally a numbers girl. And I’m definitely not a gambler. I know I can’t live a life of what if’s, but at the same time, there are some realities that need to be accounted for when making decisions. And this is one of them now.

So this is why I feel my dream has been changed.

Don’t get me wrong. My DH’s dreams have changed too. I get that. I’m not trying to take away from that fact at all. But I can’t speak for him. I can only say what goes through my mind…regarding my dreams. For my daughter. For him. For me and for us.

Now, having said all of that, am I bitter and angry? Sure. But I think that’s just part of the mourning process. I am letting go of some dreams, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make new ones, right?

They’ll just need to be different. And that takes time to adjust to. And plan for.

Because I think we all need things to look forward to. Aspire to. Plan for. And for me those are dreams. I’m just trying to figure out what they look like these days…and how to come to peace with the loss while looking forward to whatever the future may hold.

DH and I were sleeping soundly this morning when we were awoken by a very LOUD Pineapple yelling and frantically waving her arms from her bed.

“What do you need?” I asked her. “Up, pbbbtttt” she responded (which translates to “Up, please” in Pineapple-ese). So I climbed out of bed and gathered my warm, squirmy, sweet Pineapple into my arms and toted her back to our bed for continued snuggling.

After about 15 minutes of tickles, kisses, hugs and Pineapple jumping on the bed, she began to whine around her pacifier. I popped the passy out of her mouth and said “what do you need?” She said “Dn, pbbbbtttt” (which translates to “Down, please” in Pineapple-ese). So I turned her around, tummy side down, and helped her make her way to the edge of the bed and slide gently to the floor.

I was just rolling back over when I felt freezing cold hands grip me around the waist. “What do you need?!” I squeaked after removing DH’s frozen mits from my warm stomach. “About 2 more hours of sleep and to be warmer” he mumbled. So I jumped out of bed and cranked up the heat because it was a FRIGID 28 degrees in PDX this AM. “Unless you’d like to look for another job, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do about the additional sleep” I announced as I popped out of the bedroom door and headed upstairs to check on my dad’s dog (he’s staying with us while my dad and stepmom are out of town).

The dog was staring at me from behind the baby gate. His head was resting on his paws and he was looking at me with his baleful woe-is-me doggy face. I looked at him and asked “what do you need?” He immediately jumped up and began running in circles, charging at his dog bowl. Food. Got it. After filling up his dish and mashing in his meds (he has osteocarcinoma – poor puppy), I left the much chillier kitchen/living area of my home in favor of the cozy downstairs bedroom where DH was still lounging in bed and Pineapple was practicing her walking skills around the chair.

I jumped back in bed and began warming my popsicle fingers and toes on DH’s arms and legs (payback is a beyotch, no?). I was gradually raising my body temperature from frozen to tepid when my own little doggy – a shitzu-pomeranian mix – climbed over my legs, right up to my face and began staring at me. “What do you need?” I pondered to the pooch. He lept from the bed and ran to the sliding door. Potty break – important.

I climbed out of bed (again) and made my way to the door - helping a hapless Pineapple who was head down in a toybox with her tiny feet kicking in the air retrieve a particular item along the way – and the patiently waiting puppy. After letting him out, I turned to DH and said “why do I feel like everyone is looking at me and needing something today?”

“Because you’re supermommy” he garbled from the bed.

Ahhh – and now it all becomes clear. I always knew I had super powers. SUPERMOMMY – able to burn even the most unburnable of Christmas cookies with the slightest turn of a dial! I now needed to formulate a plan and take over the world…but where to begin. I guess I’ll start with you…now what do YOU need?!

The Cubs spent the majority of their day discussing deals regarding  Milton Bradley.  There were rumored talks with the Rays, Mets and Rangers.  The Cubs also had a brief conversation about Curtis Granderson.  However, Granderson is more likely to be moved to the Yankees.  The Cubs at this point refuse to give up super prospect Starlin Castro.

The White Sox were very quiet on Day 1.  Kenny Williams is usually the last person to talk about any moves or rumors that may be discussed in the media.  However, he threw the Media for a loop when he said he had “no comment” about  a move for Roy Halladay.  Besides Halladay, the White Sox are rumored to be looking at Hideki Matsui who would plug a hole at DH.

Stay Tuned for more updates and rumors!!!

As you probably know from previous posts, we have a 2-year old. She’s almost three, really, and going on 13 it seems. Way too smart and perceptive for her own good. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

At first glance I think it looks like I stole her from someone. She has blonde hair with natural wave and curl at the bottom, blue eyes, fair skin and a little button nose. I have brown hair, brown eyes, freckles and fair skin. She does have my cheeks…and my personality, though. And that will begin to be a bigger challenge for sure when she’s about 12. She is very strong-willed, stubborn, social and sassy.

She looks like my husband. There’s no denying that. Even with his dark hair, she shares most of his features including his blue eyes. I just pray each day that she doesn’t ever get this bipolar from him.

Throughout this whole ordeal, she is my #1 priority. She is DH’s as well. The only difference is that when DH is having a bad day, he needs to recognize this and focus on getting himself better before he can tend to her. Kind of like one of those “in case of emergency, apply your own oxygen mask first, then your child” situations. I need to do this too, obviously, but the occasions are far more frequent and severe with the Bipolar.

Lately, I’ve been hearing a LOT of “I want my daddy” and “I want to go home”—the other day she asked me, “Mommy, why are we still living at Grammy’s?”

Seriously? You’re TWO.

My standard answer is either, “Daddy is not feeling well and doesn’t want to get us sick” (not a complete lie, just a partial one) and “Daddy needs to take care of the puggies, and we need to help Grammy here.”

I’m really hoping we get our marital issues resolved before she’s really able to pick up on things. Her tears tear DH and I apart. And her cries for daddy are like a knife through my heart. I only want what’s best for her. I just wish that answer was more clear.

My hope is that we can get things resolved now, when she’s ONLY 2…and not drag this out until she’s older and can understand more of what’s going on. Whatever the state of our marriage, when she’s older I want her to not remember the super tough times of living apart and navigating through our issues. And only what the outcome is and how we’ve come to a resolution and work respectfully and lovingly to uphold it and raise her as best we can.

She’s a little more clingy. She’s a little more rebellious. More discipline needed more than before. I may be reading more into this than I should. It may be just because she’s TWO. But, I’d rather err on the side of being too sensitive than not sensitive enough.

So, I imagine that along with the continuation of my personal journey, I’ll also try and touch on things like:

• broken trust
• anxiety and anger
• sacrifices
• letting go of the “dream”
• trying to create a new “dream”
• what happens when you barely recognize the man you married
• the defense mechanisms I turn to
• family dynamics
• lifestyle changes
• acceptance and denial
• putting on a happy face
• genetics
• how to communicate
• parenting (probably a lot of this, though probably not always related to BP)

And so much more. If there’s anything you wonder about, have questions about, please ask. I’ll do my best to answer.

I do hope that I can inject some humor into this as well. Lord knows that’s helped me keep my sanity throughout this entire process. Well, humor and some amazing friend and family support. Oh, and our daughter. She’s been amazing and she doesn’t even realize it. Even when she’s screaming and throwing tantrums. I may not have much patience, but even I can recognize how special she is. I realize it’s an awful lot of responsibility to throw on a toddler—to keep me going when I’d prefer to say screw it. But she really is pretty cool like that. Even after a day like today…I should have known it was going to be one of those days…

She woke up and immediately wanted to wear her party dress. See, her party dress is at least one size too small and is from her birthday. It’s sleeveless, kind of a rocker meets princess thing. So I talked her into putting sweater tights under it and a long sleeve shirt with her cowboy boots. Whatever. She has a personality, that’s for sure. Turns out she ended up being a pain in the ass at her toddler class and ended up in the “sad chair” with no snack, no crafts, nothing. When I picked her up she was full of it. And at bed time she was kicking, hitting, screaming, you name it. She pulled the, “I want my daddy” card. Already hitting where it hurts. At one point after she hit me in the face and kicked me, I grabbed her hands and legs and just held her still. And I said, “Geez, do I need to strap you down?” (kidding – kind of) To which she replied (no joke) “Yes, mommy, strap me down” It took all of my power to contain my laughter. I had to walk out of the room to laugh. Even as she was STILL trying to hit me. Eventually, after I got her two pieces of salami (totally grosses me out, but whatever) and two Cars gummy vitamins, she calmed down.

Oh, I should probably also come up with a “key” of some sort for everyone since I’m going to try and avoid using real names (now there’s a challenge!)…I’m sure these will evolve over time and more people will be added, but for starters let’s try going with the following:

Daughter: B, DD, munchkin, kiddo, little one, stinky
Husband: DH, M, Mr BP, Hubby (probably an occasional: ass, pain in my ass, jackass, etc)
Dogs: assholes, shitheads, the girls, pugs

© 2009 nataliedee.com

I’ll also sprinkle in the usual MIL: mother-in-law and FIL: father-in-law. I’m positive there will be some stories there, too.

The December Highlight has been approved by the CAF Project Board and sent to DH. Copies available from the PM on request.