i was just in the shower and i started thinking.

i think about her more than anyone else ever has. chances are that she rarely ever thinks about me now. i check to see if she has emailed me or written anything multiple times a day. i dont think she even reads this.

i wish that i would be fallen for. im the one doing all of the falling. i just wish it would be a mutual thing.

then again, i should have taken the hint. i was so stupid and naive. when someone asks for space then anything that might have or could have happened between us is over. at least for her.

and now i know. i have no one.

—

maybe if i just stop checking her site. maybe if i just disappear. maybe she will think about me again. maybe she will miss me. maybe she will want me. and maybe she will want to come be with me again.

picture by Enrico Mazzanti

embrace. the long awaited and wanted touch. the interlocking of bodies. the scent of your hair. the smooth of your skin. the grace of your hand on my chest.

my finger. your finger. then my finger. then your finger. then my finger again. then your finger again. and so on.

your soft hair in my face. your ear close to my lips. the draw of your neck. curves. bodies curving together. becoming one. perfectly fitting into one another.

words. not from your mouth. not from mine. but these words are heard. sensed. one touch. thats all it takes. one light touch. and we feel.

love.

i dream of those moments. i long for those moments. i wait for those moments. with you.

—

p.s. i did steal your posts with a picture idea.

• 8:10 am
• BME mumbo jumbo
• sitting in an unfamiliar lecture hall
• wanting more, just more

I want someone who understands me. I mean just behaves the way I do. Believes in the same things I do, about everything. Like the way I need to walk with a purpose, with a clear goal. Or someone who understands the significance of strangers, or rather the lack thereof. Someone who won’t tell me I embarrass them, but rather I enhance their daily life, with a new adventure, a new story to tell. I want someone who’d rather be awake, but still appreciate the beauty of sleep.
I am hungry. I have noticed my mouth has gotten dirtier. We must change this. We must be a lady. It is such a beautiful day outside. I want to have a picnic. I don’t think I have ever had a genuine picnic. Well at least the kind of picnic I always imagined in my mind. Complete with blanket and wicker basket filled with food and strawberry wine. Some place in a grassy, bright-sunlit, area near a bubbling brook. Okay, maybe my picture of a picnic is a bit much, but a girl can certainly have her standards.
When M was here, we had a conversation the night she slept over, about N. Immediately, as I brought him up, she opened right away, already overwrought in emotion as apparent in her wavering voice. And you know who she reminded me of? Me. Back in the aftermath of my loves. She loved him. Just like I loved them. At the beginning I was hoping everyone would feel this way because I knew they would have to feel that way eventually, might as well feel that way early to get it done and over with. But then when I felt that same disparity a second time, I did not wish it upon anyone else if I could help it, most of all my best friends. They should  never have to feel the pangs of love. What lesson does it teach but that life and love itself mean nothing? M is feeling the exact same way I did, asking herself the exact same questions. Why? What’s wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? Did he ever even love  me? Coming to the same conclusion, if you really love soemone, you never stop, or you never really loved them at all. And I told her all the things someone I wish could have told me in my time of need: cry, let it out, it’s okay. It’s okay you feel this way, it’s okay that you miss him, it’s okay that you still want him. Feel what you feel, but don’t let him see you cry. Because someday, you’ll find, he doesn’t mean a thing. And that day, when it comes, when, not if, will be bittersweet.

Source: Cheondoong’s Cyworld
Translated by Grace ♥ Kpop @ absolutemblaq
Re-up: aGoGo @ abm
Abm Blog posted by: justpeachyx21 @ Abm

my hope

I’m walking.  There are loud noises and bright lights all around me.  My eyes are blurred and my body is tired.  I’m living in a world viewed by half moon eyes. I am different in everyway from them. I speak what they wish to speak. This causes them to look.  They look in awe, they look in lust, they look in terror; but how would they look if they really knew me?  I walk these streets with so many secrets.  If they only knew.  Then again, these are secrets that few know.

In the sixth month of the past year, I met a girl.  She was fun and easy to talk to, but I thought nothing of it.  We quickly became friends.  After a few months, it was obvious that our friendship had turned into much more.  We talked, we laughed, we loved.  After a few more months, I asked this girl to marry me.  I had never been more serious in my life; so she said “yes”.  This was the beginning and the end of our relationship.

The eleventh month of the past year came.  Life seemed as close to perfect as possible.  It wasn’t.  My love and bride-to-be was taken to the hospital.  This seemed just like all the past times she had been; but I was very wrong.  She was in and out of consciousness; at least that’s what I was told.  You see, I wasn’t there.  I couldn’t be there because I was in another country.  At least that’s what I told myself  was the reason. I was scared.  I couldn’t bear seeing my fiancée lying in a hospital bed dying.  So I lost everything.  She died and everything inside me died.

I began to fall.  I started doing things that I can’t believe I did.  I became a zombie.  I would walk to and from work, to and from the store, to and from, to and from.  Nothing mattered to me.  I was almost completely gone; but one thing was keeping me alive.

In the twelfth month of the past year, I began communicating with someone unlikely.  Someone, in this physical world, I would have never met.  She was going through something similar.  Well actually, she was going through the exact same thing.  She was my fiancée’s best friend.  We started talking.  She needed help just as bad as I did.  So I tried to help her.

Things were getting better.  I was feeling more alive and she was getting through it.  We were helping each other and becoming friends at the same time.  Then things started to change.  We started talking less and less about our loss and more and more about each other.  She became my best friend.  She is the closest one I’ve ever had.  She knows more about me than I’ve ever told anyone.  I honestly don’t know how this happened; but it did and it saved me.

I have started to feel happiness of late.  It’s hard to explain, but the best word to describe my feeling is hope.  I have been able to see a future recently.  I would have told you that I had no future months ago.  She has shown me that it is possible for me to be happy again; and I have somehow shown her.  I am so grateful to have found a true friend in my most depressed moment.

Things have changed.  There are feelings where there once was emptiness, there are thoughts that used to be wrong, and there are words that are no longer voodoo between us.  It is hard for me to admit sometimes, but I am falling again.  I am falling at a time when I thought I would be hiding.  The most beautiful thing about me falling though is that she is falling too.

I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m not easy; I tend to make things difficult.  So when I say she is falling then you know that it’s true.  I promise I didn’t make it easy on her.  I’m not the most likable guy when I am depressed; but she stuck by my side.  I am thankful and grateful.

So it seems that I have come full circle.  I didn’t ask for any of this; but complicated situations seem to find me.  This situation, however, is one for the books.  I have never had a story that involved both my worst moment and my best moment of my life together; but it seems now I do.  I loved, I lost, I found.

– Fin –

I did the Witches Crossing Rite followed by a Red Meal.

Source: Mir’s Cyworld
Translated by whatthecheryl @ absolutemblaq
Please take out with proper credits

Abm Blog Posted By: justpeachyx21 @ Abm

Performed the Witches Cross and the Red Meal

I did thw Witches Crossing followed by  a Red Meal.

———

I wondered which person in Beverly Hills I wanted to be today, and I decided Luke Perry. And as we were speaking of Luke Perry (Ozan was here too, speaking), I remembered this obscure electronic act by the name Luke Perry. He describes his album Terminator Ecstacy () by way of a sexy catch-line: “Feel the ecstasy of terminating your identity. Treat yourself to burger king dinner on a stolen credit card.” No point saying how much I love this stuff, so let’s just get to it:

Luke Perry – skynet infiltration unit simulator

Luke Perry – identity scan

If “irresistible suburbanoid emergencies in cul de sac terraform” sounds like a delicious dish, you might want to go download his digitalized casette called Midnight Perry too.

Things doesn’t stop for Perry’s word lingo. On a blog called “There is no agency”, he provides us with an anti-capitalist analysis of tourism, spouting beautiful and concise sentences like this one: “Tourism supplies the traveller with a sacred image of the world. The figure of the traveller is defined by the mere accumulation of these images.” Reminds me of CrimethInc’s (anti-)traveller book Off the Map.

… and we’re not done! I thought you should have this one too:)

———

Luke Perry myspace

I did the Witches Cross and the Red Meal

it’s been awhile since i wrote anything. but i’ll let whoever reads this in (at least a little bit).

i am constantly second guessing myself. i am constantly doubting myself. i think so much that i make myself confused. i am a very logical person. logical and literal. so with this mind i think. i think all of the time. when most people can just relax or turn their brain off, i think. not because i want to, because i have to. if someone says something to me, whether it is significant or insignificant, i can tell you that it ran through my head at the very least 30 times. with every word, phrase, or sentence, my mind calculates every scenario possible. the good and the bad. then let’s add on my constant insecurity. i think. i process. i calculate. then i pick the worst case. i don’t pick the best case, i pick the worst. why? because i think so little of myself that i cant comprehend someone saying something good about or to me.

then there is you. every word that you say to me is good. my mind finds it very hard to find something to spin badly. but because i think and think and over think, it did find one. my mind found one simple phrase that kills me every time i hear it. what is that very simple and harmless phrase? “i have to go.” most people (sane people) would consider it a nice gesture to tell someone that they have to go somewhere. but not me. not you. when you say it to me i instantly think bad. i instantly think that i did something wrong. i said something wrong. i cant always say the right thing, so that means that i had to say something wrong to you.

i’m not alright. i not completely sane. i would like to blame it on recent events; but i can’t. i’ve been like this my entire life. i think. i doubt. i depress. it’s me, not you. damn, i really never wanted to say that line. but it’s true. i am messed up. i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i’m not perfect. i’m sorry that you will eventually grow to hate me. i’m sorry that you love someone who is so unmanageable.

but for what it’s worth – i love you too.