Like I said, I was watching gossip girl when I stumble upon this episode where in our Queen B is trying to distract herself from the one and only Chuck Bass from getting the benefits of being frenemies so she basically stuffs herself with this cute and colorful looking pastries that I, without much warning will soon be drooling over. I haven’t eaten a single of those fuckaroons but I will soon get a hold on plenty of those if ever I find a bakery nearby that makes them and if I ever have my own paycheck cause apparently those things are outrageously expensive! Who would have thought that those little suckers costs a lot? I get that its hard to make but isn’t too much? SMH.

Self control and food doesn’t really go well. But starting today, 5/19/13 2:19 am I pledge to my before i die bucketlist that I will have to be patient and stop watching tutorials on how to make homemade french macarons, cut off the search of pictures of it, probably save up money to buy those and play scavenger hunt in Manila to find the most divine french macarons!!!!

Up at 8am, quick cup of coffee then washed, dressed and out on the road heading for Salisbury at 8:45am to get to my hairdresser.

It was going to be an odd appointment today because it was going to be the last time my hair would be cut by Anna. I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous diary entry, but at my last appointment five weeks ago, she told me that her other half had been made redundant so they were moving back to the Isle of Wight.

She’s a nice girl and cuts my hair the way I like it, so obviously it’s not ideal, but always sad if someone is having to leave their job through bad circumstances.

Anyway, arrived in good time and asked Anna if she was all packed up and ready, to which she responded ‘I’m not going anymore, plans have changed.’ During my haircut I found out all about their changed plans, but I won’t bore you with that – it’s good that things have worked out for them and I get to keep the same person cutting my hair (to be selfish and honest).

After my haircut I headed to Starbucks for a takeaway latte, then drove back home.

I spent a few hours transferring some of my music library onto my mobile, while listening to tracks by that group ‘Chase and Status’ (my homework). Downloaded the album, some very catchy tracks – as I said yesterday, probably all good to just dance too, but not really the type of tracks I could sit and listen too.

Mind you, I say good to dance too, the beat is a bit fast for my type of ‘Dad Dancing’ – It’s odd, I love dancing (makes me very happy), but I am the first to admit, I’m not that good. I know where the best is, so a reasonable sense of rhythm, but, well you know…..I probably look a bit stupid

I don’t care though, I get very little opportunities to dance now, so when the opportunity appears, I don’t really care what people think of my dancing, I just dance

I’d told HC that I was taking her to Salisbury today for a walk around the shops. She hasn’t been out at all for the last few weeks, so thought it would do her good.

We headed out at midday, had to visit the railway station to cancel her season ticket and parking ticket. After resigning, she doesn’t need them any more and her old work wants their money back for them.

After that it was off to Starbucks (again ) for a latte and a sausage sandwich.

HC told me that she wanted to go home in Starbucks, so I said we could do whatever she wanted. At least I’d got her out of the house. While heading home in the car I asked her if she fancied walking around the garden centre. She did, so we headed there.

I had seen an advert for easy flower borders with mixed flowers – a product called Flower Magic.

The idea is, if you have a flower bed and can’t be bothered to plant stuff, you can just sprinkle this mixed flower seed and fertilisers so they just grow. Sprinkle and water for borders full of beautiful flowers.

I found the Flower Magic and also bought a flower mix of wild flowers for bees.

I then spent the afternoon weeding the back garden border, sprinkling and watering.

So it’s all done and I will keep the progress of the Flower Magic border!

HC would like a Wagamama’s takeaway tonight, so I will have to head off now – looks like I will miss the start of the Eurovision Song Contest

As far as mood is concern, still not great – I am being smiley to try to help HC, but I’m still constantly thinking about a situation that is really confusing me – all I can say is that I don’t think I am handling the situation well and I worry about it all the time.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think so much, I’m sure I am blowing things out of proportion, but I am a born over thinker, constant analyser and a bit too sensitive about other people for my own good!

Right, time to head for Wagamama’s for some food.

Thanks for reading.

Day 28: 17/05/13

 Or trying to capture the funniest conversations I’ve had this week, though you may consider them dull. It’s all about the moment.

#1. My mom’s opinion on my hair.

-      It’s like you have short dark hair and something like a squirrel
or a fox that’s chewing your neck.

#2. A conversation between me and one of my flatmates at 1 am.

Me: I’m calling the guy from yesterday and going clubbing.

My flatmate: If you go to a club now, I’ll hoover the flat first thing in the morning!

Me: Then I’ll make sure to get home around noon!

#3. A conversation totally out of context, explanation follows!

Mitko: Come and show me how much you love me.

Me: I can’t, my hands hurt.

Mitko: Without your hands.

Me: Oh, I don’t love you that much!

This guy Dimitar (Mitko) is a relative of one of my flatmates and has back problems, so I made the mistake of giving him s massage once, and now he’s waiting for me every day after work. Because I’m that good, giving nice massages with oils and shit.

#4. An old drunk man hitting on me at 6am at the bus stop.

He: 7rhjdfclnhblri hEROJ (translated as “Give me your number, I’ll buy you things, you’re beautiful, I’m looking for a wife to have children with.”)

Me: Excuse me?

He: (something something money something in other language)

Me: Do you speak English?

He: Yes. Give me number?

Me: Okay, let’s settle some rules: me no give you phone number, me give you years in jail.

He: No, no.

Me: Yes.

Then he falls from the bench.

#5. Buying lingerie.

Me: Do you like this one?

Tanya: Oh, it’s lovely!

Me: Yeah, who should I wear it for?

Tanya: Wear it for Anna (my roommate).

Me: Oh, yeah, when she comes back from work I’ll be like “Annie, did you get paid or are you happy to see me?”

M. Stefanova, 2013

Soooo, Friday finally came around and I thought what better way to relax from all the hustle and bustle than having a cozy night in. As a self confessed workerholic and self diagnosed A.D.H.D head I realized I couldn’t do this on my own. Left to my own devices I would have ended up reading all sorts and blogging all night. To avoid this I enlisted the help of my best and only female friend (Emily) to ensure I was busied with relaxation. I made the mistake of promising to be an ever complying patient in her relaxation therapy. I present to you the antics of what happens when women take over:

William 1.0 before the hair textureizer (I hope I got the name right)

William 1.5…FELT LIKE MY HAIR WAS ON FIRE!!! Still got the NewScientist so it’s all manly lol

William 2.0…Hello ladies

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS! (but I do like the Phantom of the Opera)

P.S And just so you know I didn’t do all this myself….I will also like to add that I was coerced with copius amounts of white wine and no one is allowed to bring these up when I run for president of the world

.

That will just have to wait until tomorrow. At the moment I really can’t be bothered!

Have had a chance of sitting out in the garden for a while, actually got too warm and found myself having to go back indoors again!

Tomorrow a trip to town is required to carry out a couple tasks and then it’s back home to carry on with the housework!

What an exciting life I lead….not!

หลังกินข้าวเสร็จ ไกด์ก็พาพวกเราไปทำบัตร Angor Pass แล้วก็พาไปชม ปราสาทในกลุ่มปราสาทเรอลั้วะ ซึ่งเป็นที่ตั้งของเมืองหริหราลัย เมืองหลวงเก่าก่อนเมืองพระนคร ปราสาทแรกที่ไปคือปราสาทพระโค หรือภาษาเขมรเรียกว่าปราสาทเปรี๊ยะโคครับ

ปราสาทหลังนี้สร้างโดยพระเจ้าอินทรวรมันที่ 1 พระองค์สร้างปราสาทแห่งนี้เพื่อถวายแด่พระศิวะและเพื่อเป็นมฤตกเทวลัย (พระราชสุสาน) สำหรับกษัตริย์และพระราชวงศ์ ตัวปราสาทนับเป็นยุคศิลปะแบบพระโคครับ

ปราสาทนี้มาง่าย ไม่ต้องเดินอะไรมาก จอดรถเดินข้ามถนนมาก็ถึงเลย

ทับหลังสลักหน้ากาล (สัตว์ในตำนานที่ไม่มีริมฝีปากล่าง)

เทวบาล

งานแกะสลักที่นี่งามมากครับ (และวันต่อไปจะเจองามยิ่งกว่านี้)

หนึ่งในหลักฐานว่าปราสาทนี้สร้างเพื่อถวายพระศิวะคือรูปปั้นโคนนทิ (วัว) ที่เป็นพาหนะของพระศิวะอยู่หน้าปราสาทครับ

ถ่ายรูปกันสักพักเราก็ไปปราสาทบากองกันต่อ ปราสาทนี้สร้างในสมัยพรระเจ้าอินทรวมันที่ 1 เช่นเดียวกับปราสาทพระโค แต่สร้างที่หลัง

อันนี้ไกด์คนไทยบอกว่านักท่องเที่ยวเกาหลีชอบมาทำ

ปราสาทนี้เป็นปราสาทในรูปแบบภูเขาหลังแรกของเขมรครับ โดยจำลองเป็นภูเขาพระสุเมรุ เป็นต้นแบบของปราสาทในยุคหลังๆ ต่อไป ปราสาทนี้ยังเป็นศูนย์กลางของเมืองหริหราลัยด้วย

วัดนั้นตอนไปกำลังสวดเลยครับ บรรยากาศโคตรขลังเลย

ลายสลัก

น้องเคยเห็นช้างรึเปล่า

ตามโปรแกรมจริงๆ เราต้องไปดูพระอาทิตย์ตกที่พนมบาเค็ง แต่ว่าเนื่องจากเรามาช้าไปเลยอดไป ย้ายไปพรุ่งนี้แทน ซึ่งก็จะเปลี่ยนจากชมพระอาทิตย์ตกที่นครวัดไปพนมบาเค็งแทน เสียดายยยย

หลังจากนั้นไกด์ก็พาเรากลับโรงแรมครับ ระหว่างทางก็ผ่านตัวเมืองเสียมเรียบ พบว่าที่นี่เลนรถมันมั่วดีแท้ๆ ชาวบ้านยังเห็นใช้จักรยานกันเยอะโดยเฉพาะนักเรียน นั่งรถผ่านไปไกด์ก็ชี้ให้ดูร้านอาหารเกาหลีที่ผุดขึ้นเป็นดอกเห็ดพร้อมกับบอกว่าทัวร์เกาหลีมาลงเยอะ แต่ว่าพวกนั้นใช้ไกด์ของเขาเองหมด กินแต่อาหารเกาหลีด้วย ไม่เข้าร้าน local เลย-*-

เหยด!

นี่มัน… แทยอน

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กินร้านนี้

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บรรยากาศเมืองเสียมเรียบตอนกลางคืน

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สระน้ำที่โรงแรม

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- link: สรุปทริปกัมพูชา

Day 27: 16/05/13

I miss the stars. I miss dark nights.

I miss walking on the street barefoot. I miss feeling the grass under my feet.

I miss the sun leaving red marks on my body, where its lips have met my skin.

And then there will be this person. He will come into your life and you won’t even realize it, but he is the one you’ll betray yourself for. Everything you ever believed in, or stood for, it will all be gone. All your life will be at his feet, at his mercy. And you won’t mind. Because you still wouldn’t know it. He is the exception for your every rule. He will lead you through the darkest paths to yourself. You never know who you are until you fall in love. And you never truly know the other, until you fall out of love.

Think of me as you wish, but I’ve been having this dream lately, or is it rather a fantasy. I wake up every night, sweaty and heavy-breathing. And I crave for more. I go to the bathroom every night, wash my face with cold water. And think of him.

His body above me, under me, next to me, inside of me. His hands, touching me, his lips invading my body, my mind, my quiet existence. His eyes, piercing me through the darkness, his breath all over me.

I have had this dream for quite some time now. I have it over and over, until the abhorrent alarm clock interrupts us, and take me away from him.

But I want him. He has no face. But his hands are lovely. I love hands. You probably already know that. He knows that.

 And I want this burning sensation inside of me to ruin me.

M. Stefanova, 2013

]]> http://dunnowhyimhere.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/saturday-may-18th/ Sat, 18 May 2013 17:51:16 +0000 230599lena http://dunnowhyimhere.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/saturday-may-18th/ I am anonymous, but you can call me A. (even if it’s a stange way to call someone.)

I didn’t do that much today. I woke up at 8:30 am, I watched the television with my younger brother, I took my breakfast, then I took a quick shower, I get dressed…

I feel like nothing happened today. Maybe it’s because it’s pretty cloudy outside. If it wasn’t cloudy, I could go to the library or in town with friends. That would be great.

But it’s not. I’m stuck at home, in front of my stupid-broken computer since 2:00 pm.

I drew on an enveloppe. So GREAT isn’t it? What a boring day.

Hope it won’t be the same tomorrow.

My brothey is still in font of the television. He’s probably watching cartoons or something. Or maybe he’s watching the news to see what is happening at Cannes. I think I am going to watch the television with him.

Thanks for reading

A.

.

The Artist’s Wife In A Garden 1

The Artist’s Wife In A Garden 2

The same picture painted six years apart!

People would say everything from you have to “go slow” to “you’ll find Him when you stop looking”. Often they lectured me on process…”you have to email them first, then text, then phone then meet”. Others state that they don’t waste time doing all that and if the person won’t meet right away then on to the next. Of course there was the “sleep with them right away” vs the “don’t sleep with them right away”.

What I found is that finding The One is a lot like Easter Egg Hunting with plastic eggs. You eagerly search for eggs, break them open and they either have “filler” or really good candy (chocolate of course), but there is One…One that will have the grand prize in it! How you go about collecting eggs has no effect on the outcome.

Your process does not deliver the grand prize any sooner and does not make the eggs have better quality stuff in them. You simply must go through the experiences you are meant to go through that will make you ready for the One. Each person, whether they have filler or “chocolate”, enhances you by giving you experiences that will make you ready to truly appreciate your One. It matters not at all whether you sleep with them right away or if you write emails for a month before meeting. If He is your One, He is your One…conversely if he is not your One, he is not your One. (Which is why not sleeping with him right away is a better approach because he who is not your One and seeking only for your “stuff” will go away swiftly.)

The thing about finding Him when you are not looking though is really good advice, though I never heard its full meaning. Its cliche` I know, but MA and I found each other when we had both given up searching. I never realized why that would be true until just recently though. When you are actively searching you are always “looking’. You are focused on looking, you are not focused on Being you.  When you are actively looking, you are focusing on gaining the attention of someone. When you are not actively looking, you are doing activities that interest you. You are expressing your views and opinions without reservation, thus displaying the Real You. The Real You is the one that will attract your One. He may not recognize you otherwise.

In an Easter egg hunt the One egg is always well hidden and most often the last to be found. Sometimes it is even after the search is over that a relaxed eye will spy it lying just under some innocuous looking pile. Not at all where you’d expect to find a treasure!

I was at my monthly craft morning this morning.  I’m almost half way through the blanket I’m making.  The only thing is – it is all a giant square and whilst the beginning bit of it flew up as the rounds get larger and larger it will take longer and longer to complete.

The other thing we were discussing was sewing – we’d all been watching the Great British Sewing Bee – and I was saying that although I have a sewing machine I would probably have difficulty figuring out how to simply plug it in, never mind threading the thing!

However my old Home Economics book has been republished so I’ve picked up a copy.

If I remember correctly we spent our 1st year in secondary school making and embroidering pillowcases – actually I think that’s what I’m going to do!  That will give me a few craft projects to do!  Oh yes!  Don’t you just love it when you get a notion for a new project (we’re not going to mention the granny square blanket hiding away in the livingroom).

I think I’ll go fabric & embroidery pattern hunting in a week or two – I can’t doing anything until I’ve finished this blanket project.

I can’t believe I pressed publish when I hadn’t even finished telling you what it was I wanted to tell you about!

So I can’t even plug it in (the sewing machine) never mind the getting it actually working with thread – somebody recommended this site – They have classes in all sorts of sewingly goodness = http://www.whenpoppymetdaisy.com.  I may have to see if I can go to one of their introduction to the sewing machine class during my lunchtime or just after work – it really does look like it could be good fun!

Long before humans fell to earth, and long before Adam bit into the forbidden apple, we were there, Abe and Eva. You could’ve called us the first draft of humans, but God doesn’t do drafts. We were earlier models that got discarded. Ironically, perfection was our sin. Somehow we were too similar to the image of God.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on them, huge as mountains but strong as rubber bands. Eve was screaming like a murder with a child coming out of her. I remember looking at Abe seeing how his teeth gritted. We were never to father or mother children, but instead left on earth to eat grass and animals that shit grass, and look like twenty year olds for eternity.

“Should we help her?” He asked, tensing with every baa that left her lips.

“I don’t know why we want to multiply, it looks awfully painful, and she is massive. The child must be the size of a mammoth! It is better this way. Just you and I, and my intact body,” I answered him.

“There are no rivers near by. They won’t be able to walk with a newborn for long. Should we make it rain?”

“Why should we care?”

“You’re being very bitter.”

I puffed like a dragon, and pursed my lips. “Fine, but we are leaving afterwards. I can’t hear that giant scream every couple of days as she pops out a new one.”

“Leaving?” He followed after me. “We can look after them.”

“I don’t want to look after them,” I kept speeding away. “Why would we care?”

“They might be obnoxiously big but they are God’s creations like us.”

“God’s creations ‘instead’ of us.”

He froze, swallowed, and stared away, “We don’t know that for sure.”

“How come we can never have children? Angels do. Even devils do! Now humans too.” I slowed down and tried to catch my breath, “I’m just saying. With all the kids they’re having, it might be too crowded for us to live here. There are plenty of lands else where.”

 We left that night, and kept to our own quarters. Everyday felt as if I was getting filed bit after bit with a nail clipper. Don’t get me wrong, Abe was a lot of good things, and anyone would eventually love someone if they were trapped together for a few millenniums, but perhaps if weren’t the only two of our kind, we would’ve never chosen each other as life partners. He left me most days to tend after his gardens and animals, and I just waited, but not for him. The border got so bad, that even through didn’t go hungry except every couple of month, I went hunting everyday for fun. Yet even the most challenging animals were not much of a competition to me. But I never hunted Abe’s breeds; they were off-limits.

It felt like a million years, but it perhaps just a few hundred ones before humans began walking into our territory. They had gotten smaller and less meaty, and they didn’t resemble apes as much any more. Somehow, they had become more analogous to us. But as usual, hullabaloo and clamor came with them, like life long friends.

I didn’t mind it at first. They were entertaining, much like watching an ant farm. Abe, on the other hand, had grown to dislike them. Perhaps it was the years he spent in solitary with me protesting their existence, or the fact that they ran down a lot of his creations. He planted trees, and they chopped it down. He bred exotic animals, and they grilled them. They brought whole species to an end.

One day, we were sitting on a tree, watching beneath us as they chattered in front of cracking fire, and taking in the smell of flesh and spice simmering.

“Whatever they’re cooking smells delicious.”

I turned to look at him, and he was glaring down at the mob as if he was contemplating smiting them.

“What’s wrong?”

“That was the last Elk.”

“That’s Kony?! Why didn’t you stop them?”

“I didn’t think they would go after him. He was so beautiful, and there are so many other animals. Why him?”

“They don’t care if he is beautiful. He is food to them.”

“He is years of my life. My companion.”  

“I thought I was your companion. Now you can get to feel my pain.”

He burrowed his eyebrows, and I could see how much frustration he carried in his heart towards me.  “We should drive them away.”

“I thought you were the peaceable one.”

“They over-reached. Plus, I don’t want them hurt, just away.”

“Nah,” I smiled as I watched one of them stand up and dance, sweaty and all abs. “They are entertaining. Look at that one.”

He looked at him, and then grabbed my hand. “We left when you asked me to. Now I’m asking you to return the favor.”

First we sent rain, then storms, then drought. They would leave for years at a time, before returning again more in number. Abe was like a man drowning in a current. No matter how much he made it uncomfortable for them in his bubble, they seemed rapt with provoking him. Abe was changing; he was getting more aggressive in his methods of ousting them. I remember the first human he killed, the first time he snapped. He had two lions chase the young man for a mile, and watched, before allowing them to finally claw him down.

“You could’ve killed him faster.”

“He didn’t deserve it.”

Over the next hundreds of years, humans became our entertainment. We targeted individuals at first, then groups, and finally whole villages. We would send locust and turn their water into blood. Sometimes we would plant the roots of mass hysteria into crowds and watch how everything played out. We got creative and we got cruel, and God didn’t like how we were messing with the scheme of things. We didn’t know how wrathful the payback would be then.

That was when God gave us children, our most precious. He created seven men out of me, and seven women out of Abe, just like Eve was created from Adam. Kai, Luc, Ean, Ivy, Oda, Ebb, and Cas; Seven perfect immortals in the image of man from me. They loved me and I loved them more then limbs, sanity, and existence.

Abd and I could finally part. He went west with his girls, and I went east. The world got more populated and we started to blend in with humans. Ean made me laugh, Kai was a good kisser, Cas was an artist, and a conversation with Luc could never be dull. It felt like a blessing from God, a reward for all the years I was alone with a shadow of a person.

During the time of the Roman Empire, we were living in Egypt, on the Nile banks of the delta. Somehow, Ebb had heard of the gladiators and he had a habit of growing overly fond of stuff and I had a habit of giving in to his wishes. He said he was too blond for Egypt and that we should travel to Rome and see history made.

We did and for the first time in many years I met Abe. He wore a toga and owed gladiators. He was a completely different man who smiled and talked more than two words at a time. He invited us into his place, and told his girls to guide us around the city.

I woke up one day screaming knifes with unbearable pain sounding in every inch of my body. Even my hair ached. I tumbled off the bed, holding my chest as if I was about to throw up a lung, and ran towards Ebb’s room. I knew something was very room. I knew a part of me has died. Ebb was there on the ground, his skin painted in hue of cold blue. I fell next to him and clutched his chest. He was as cold as rubber, and just as numb.

“Ebb!”

I could hear the rest of the boys around me crying, shouting, and choking on words. I looked up and I saw Abe and his girls watching.

“Was it you?” I whispered, and then shouted it out, “Was it you?!”

Who else could it be?! Only Abe and his girls had the power to choke my boy.

“I wouldn’t hurt-”

“You’re lying!”

“You’re upset. It must be the humans.”

“They couldn’t! And in your house!”

“I don’t know.”

I could feel the boys’ hands on me, as my body shook back and forth. Then I felt their hands off me for a second, as they grabbed at Oda who had tried to dash towards Abe.

“Maybe it was her!” Oda pointed at one of Abe’s girls, Ela. “You were the last one to see him.”

She opened her mouth to speak, and Abe pushed her back behind him. “You’re upset but you better watch what you’re saying.”

“What are you going to kill me like you killed Ebb?!”

I always knew better than to listen to Oda’s angry ramblings. He was a great fighter, but it always felt like he had all my anger in him. On that night, he made sense to me like to heat from fire.

“Who did this Abe?” I asked.

“It wasn’t my girls.”

“Then it’s you.”

“Why would I?!”

“I don’t know! Why did you slay whole villages?! You feed off pain.”

I was so convinced it was one of his girls. I knew it in my bones, in my nails, in my skin.

“You did worse. Maybe it was you.”

The boys almost pranced on him, so he grabbed Kai by the neck, and rammed him to the ground. I don’t even remember snapping, but I remember how angry I felt when I saw his hand tightening around Kai. In retrospect, he was just trying to force him away from the girls, but no one was allowed to hurt my boys.

We left Rome than night, carrying Ebbs body, and leaving behind Abe to bury Ela. He swore he was going to even the score, I swore I was going to make him suffer for eternity for Ebb’s sake.

We were each other’s retribution for all of our sins. Even now, in 2013, we are still out of revenge.

senin sampe jumat aku selalu pulang naik angkot. kadang-kadang aja dijemput. dan kalo pas diangkot itu, banyak banget cerita gokil anak anak angkot. nah, salah satu dari sahabatku itu rumahnya deket sekolah. jadi nggak perlu naik angkot. nah kalo ada kabar terbaru dan dikasih taunya itu diangkot, pasti sahabatku yang rumahnya di deket sekolah itu diceritain kabar terbarunya. tapi kalo aku yang nggak ikut, kalo aku nggak minta mereka buat cerita, mereka mana mau. terus, kalo ada rahasia antara ‘kubu’ itu, mereka nggak mau ngasih tau aku. sedangkan kalo aku ikut dalam rahasia itu, yang lain pasti dikasih tau. gimana nggak sakit hati coba?

ya, memang sih. aku kalo ngomong asal jeplos. tapi kalo aku ngomong yang kira-kira nyakitin hati orang, pasti aku bakalan kepikiran. aku juga bingung. kenapa dari dulu orang yang deket sama aku itu sensitif. aku ngomong kasar dikit, dia langsung marah. langsung ngacangin aku. nggak nganggep aku. tapi pas yang lain ngomong kasar, dia malah ketawa. nggak ada sakit hatinya sama sekali. kenapa coba? aku nggak ngerti kenapa temen temenku gini. selalu ada masalah. tapi yang selalu ngerasa ada masalah itu aku. bukan mereka. dan akhhirnya aku makan ati sendiri. sakit hati sendiri. nangis sendiri. kapan aku punya sahabat yang bener bener sahabat? kalo dia atau mereka care sama aku, InsyaAllah aku care juga sama dia atau mereka.

kadang, aku pengen pindah dari sini. aku udah muak di sini. tapi nggak bisa. kadang pengen pindah ke luar negeri, atau lebih tepatnya seoul. tapi nggak mungkin juga. kadang, aku juga pengen punya cowok. tapi cowok itu ngerepotin. sebenernya aku pengen punya cowok buat penghibur hati aja. kalo aku lagi ngerasa nggak dianggep, kalo aku lagi ngerasa kesepian, ada cowok itu yang nemenin walaupun di sms atau dunia maya.

andaikan bias itu nyata, aku pasti bersyukur banget. tapi sayangnya, bias itu fiksi. khayalan semata. cuma ada diangan-angan.

dengan penuh air mata, aku nulis ini semua. walaupun air mata juga nggak ada gunanya buat mereka ‘liat’ aku, aku cuma bisa berdoa dan selalu berharap. kalian liat aku lagi. kalian balik ke aku lagi. kita jadi kayak kelas 7 lagi. kita deket lagi. kita nggak kepisah lagi. kita nggak terbagi jadi beberapa kubu lagi. kita bareng bareng terus. dan nggak ada masalah diantara kita. i hope. i always hope.

love you my best………