by Judi

In “the biz” (ugh, I hate me too) we call this “synergy.” Basically, what it boils down to is a scene between the studio head, the executive producer of a TV show and the guy at the record label. They all talk and laugh and order shrimp and then they discuss ways where the people who watch TV can also buy the single for a popular song or “pop song” as we say in the, erm, world.

Sometimes, it’s not for commercial reasons. Sometimes, it’s purely because the auteur behind the scene (hating myself even more, didn’t think it was possible) just feels like this is the song that needs to be played. Like that Don Henley song “New York Minute” that plays at the end of the West Wing episode “Somebody’s Going to Emergency…” as Sam Seaborn calls his philandering dad. Surely, Aaron Sorkin wasn’t trying to squeeze a few extra bucks out of us for Don Henley. He just felt like that song was appropriate, we would assume, since a lyric from the song sparked the episode title.

Anyway, sometimes it works and sometimes it’s just a hilarious, BRILLIANT example of how studio heads will do anything for a few extra bucks. LET’S CELEBRATE THEM ALL. Because it’s Friday and it’s time for TV.

5. Grey’s Anatomy featuring Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars”

And sometimes, the show makes the band. A friend of mine, we’ll call her Bic as she likes pens and for no other reason, told me a story once about Snow Patrol, about how they were milling about backstage after or before one of their shows and TR Knight wandered in to say hello. The band was polite and TR left and one of the Snow Patrol guys asked the room who that was. When the answer, “The guy from ‘Grey’s Anatomy’” came, Snow Patrol guy’s eyes widened. “Oh. That show made us quite famous here, didn’t it?” Yes, British guy. Yes, it did.

Snow Patrol’s songs are famously theatrical. It’s part of the reasons why some people hate them but mostly why I like them, because when I listen to them I can pretend like I’m in a movie trailer about a plucky blogger who watches TV all day and sometimes forgets to wash the conditioner out of her hair. Or I listen to them and remember when Denny died and the many moons ago when I still liked Katherine Heigl and this show.

4. The Wonder Years featuring Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight”

Welcome to the song/TV moment that genuinely makes me cry. I remember vividly watching this unfold, watching poor Kevin Arnold climb onto the roof, peering into Winnie Cooper’s bedroom as she lay recovering from that bad car accident, and listening to this song play softly in the background. I remember thinking, “This is the prettiest song I’ve ever heard in my life.” I was 23 years old. Ok, no, I was like ten.

On a somewhat-related note, why can’t I buy this song on iTunes? Seriously, what is the deal? Every once in a while, I go to the store, look for the song and come up empty. Is it so WRONG to want “We’ve Got Tonight” and “Hollywood Nights” in my life? I’m not looking for an anthology or anything here.

3. Beverly Hills 90210 featuring Color Me Badd

Welcome to the song/TV moment that I actually CANNOT WATCH THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH. If cringing were an Olympic sport, I’d have four Gold medals and Michael Phelps’ bong in my hands right now.

That being said, what a fantastic episode. Every fan of the 90210 canon (that’s right, I called it a fucking canon) knows the Color Me Badd episode, and for good reason as this is the episode where we discover that Donna Martin’s uber-stuck-up mom is having an affair at the very same hotel where Donna’s favorite “band” is staying. “Group”? “Collection of soul-wrenching awful, complete with soul-patch?” “Possessors of THE MOST AMAZING PHOTO EVER TAKEN?”

For the uninitiated, if you’ve been wondering where the inspiration  for “Dick in a Box” comes from, meet the Granddaddies. Oh, and try to watch this video without wanting to slap Kelly in the face.

2. Golden Girls featuring Sonny & Cher’s “I Got You Babe”

What happens when one gay icon impersonates another? Does the world just start caving in on itself? If so, fine. I’ll be sucked into the center of the earth with this number playing on my iPhone and I will be cackling all the way.

It’s Bea Arthur’s deadpan that just destroys me and her movements are down. Ugh, I miss her. If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here sending chocolates and vitamins to Betty and Rue.

1. Dawson’s Creek featuring Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait”

Dawson’s Creek, the first major show for the fledgling WB network, was also the first show I could remember that played a LOT of pop music in place of an instrumental score. It also went one step further, revealing at the end of the episode the name and artist for the featured songs in the episode (now copied by a lot of CW shows, including Glee). And while most of them are ’90s pop relics and one-hit wonders that no one ever heard of again, there is no greater ’90s pop relic than this one. As soon as you hear Paula Cole’s wail about waiting and what-not, you are immediately sent back to this- a J. Crew commercial disguised as opening credits.

Cover to 3 single (Jive, 2009); image courtesy of thehollywoodgossip.com

Maybe Britney Spears doesn’t seem like someone I’d cover here. In truth, if we have to do the bullshit either/or, good/bad preference thing, I’m totally Christina Aguilera over Britney Spears. Except for that time when “Dirrty” first came out and I was bummed out that Xtina decided to celebrate sluttiness. Then I recanted and celebrated the sluttiness too, though with weird feelings about how Aguilera selectively channeled her Ecuadorian roots by playing up the spicy Latina, only to later highlight her whiteness in subsequent reinventions.

But the music video for Britney’s new single “3″ from her second greatest hits compilation recently debuted on the Internet. Also, I have to say that I actually like Spears’s music. “Toxic” was a neat little jam. Blackout was a pretty fun, dark pop record despite and because of its context (you might remember that Britney was in the tabloids a bit in 2007). And I haven’t really listened to Circus, but the hits have been fun. The older she gets, the edgier and less kid-friendly she becomes. Sure, the producers have a hand in all of this, and perhaps there’s some unfortunate credence to Tom Ewing’s analogy between Spears and Twin Peaks hardened, debased, tragic beauty Laura Palmer. But I still like Britney. And maybe like Rihanna, another beauty with a cyborg’s voice who seems to look and sound even more edgier after her own travails, I root for her.  

Rihanna and the Met Ball (May, 2009); image courtesy of gofugyourself.com

Like the South Park dudes, I have sympathy for Britney Jean. 1) She was raised to be a pop star, 2) she became a pop star when she was really young and probably didn’t get to grow up in a normal environment, 3) suddenly people started making fun of her for not seeming very cultured or politically aware because she spent all of her life becoming a pop star, 4) she had a headline-making break-up with some boy who later told everyone that he took her virginity, 5) she is perceived as damaged goods while his star continues to rise, 6) she makes a lot of bad personal decisions, 7) she gives birth to two boys in quick succession, 8) she suffered through post-partum depression and perhaps bipolar disorder in public, 9) people made fun of her supposedly chubby post-pregnancy body, 10) then her handlers make her over for real and magically all is well again.

I really hope that’s true. She’s 27, a cursed age for rock and pop idols. I hope she makes it to 28. And, like Carrie Brownstein, I hope she gets to make friends with fellow Southern girl Beth Ditto, who has packaged herself as a proudly fat and queer sex symbol and vocal powerhouse. It also makes me glad that I know almost fuck-all about Lady Gaga’s personal life. I’ve pro’ed and con’ed her, but I like that I know very little about her off-stage persona. I’m assuming she took a note from Britney. I’m also hoping Britney took a note from Beyoncé.

But let’s get to “3″ and its video. It’s dirty. It’s all about threesomes. And, unlike earlier Britney singles, this one doesn’t hide behind a lot of innuendo. Stuff I like about it.

1. Um, is this song already a hit at gay bars across the world? It’s about to be.

2. I kinda love how unclear (and thus potentially queerable?) the groupings are in this song. The reference to “Peter, Paul, and Mary” seems to suggest some boy-boy-girl action. In addition to loving that the stiff, pious folk trio are name-checked here, I hope that the two boys in the trio tend to each other’s needs as well as Britney’s. Based on the video, the trio could also be three ladies. While the video is totally vulnerable to the heterosexual male gaze, there is no tired two girls for every boy situation explicitly being offered up here.

2A. I hope Britney’s queer fanbase comes up with all manner of pairings and positions when they bring this song to life. 

3. While I hate the slowed-down, ballad-y bridge where Britney suggests (once again) that “what we do is innocent,” nothing is meant by it, and this could just be a twosome, I like that she slyly sneaks in that it might also be fun to turn the duet into a trio or even a quartet. Britney’s grin really sells it.  

4. I’ve always liked Britney’s Southern accent and her military dance moves.

Stuff that’s icky.

1. Britney’s white leotard when she’s next to the chorus line of female dancers. Her white blondeness is exacerbated by the women’s black outfits, which racialize and subordinate them alongside the pop star. I hated Ciara and Justin Timberlake’s similar music video for “Love Sex Magic,” but at least I felt like Ciara was dancing with the chorus line rather than having them orbit her. 

2. Product placement. Duh, she’s a brand. But does she really have to apply her Fantasy perfume at the beginning of the video? Or, for that matter, does she have to spritz on some Curious at the beginning of the “Circus” music video? Oh, she does? It’s probably in her contract? Gross.

3. While I like that her trimmer figure hasn’t sacrificed her curves, I never really thought she had any weight to lose.

4. The “livin’ like this is the new thing” lyric is problematic because it kinda sounds like a sales pitch. Ugh. I guess a queer poly love jingle isn’t the worst thing, but still. Queer love, polyamory, and threesomes are totally not the new thing. They’ve been identities and expressions of desire probably since the beginning of time.

5. Since configuration of the threesome is deliberately ambiguous in the Diane Martel-directed clip, I wish the star played with male drag. Didn’t she seem to have butch potential when she shaved her head? Doesn’t it seem like part of her career makeover is to make her normatively feminine and sexy again? But that’s so boring. I’ve long thought that Britney’s thick neck and broad shoulders could make her a potentially good looking drag king, perhaps convincing as Mariah or her ex-boyfriend. She could at least oscillate within the butch-femme binary like Ciara did in “Like a Boy.”

Thoughts?

Last night/this morning I started the first phase of Operation Re-mobilization. 

I got up early today, drank 50 ounces of water, ate a banana, took my vitamins, did some a.m. yoga, and went for a run.

I did not love it, but I do feel great now.  And I will continue to choose this path of health, in all ways of my life, not just some. 

A few days ago on Facebook, I made the joke that I was going to switch teams.  Which, for those of you with no sense of humor, that means becoming a lesbian.  Several comments were left, as I’m sure you can imagine, but my personal favorite was from the husband of one of my lifelong friends.  He said, “If you stop playing in the minors, you will find that your current team is quite good.  No need to change teams, just start playing to your league.”

Ta-POW!!

I was totally blown away.  Because he’s right.  I’ve been tooling around with these tools for 2 months now. 

With men who are nowhere near my league, just to have male attention. 

His comment has been constantly running through my mind the past few days, and last night I just decided that I was going to get rid of all these silly fools.  So I did.  All of them.  The casual acquaintances I’ve gone out on dates with.  The freaky texters I’ve met online.  The fools who make time for me when it’s convenient for them.  And more than all, the man who has stood me up THREE times but still calls and sweet talks me into letting it happen again.

Bye bye bye.

I threw out several unhealthy items this morning.  But possibly the most unhealthy item I removed was all of the man candy. 

My personal favorite though, was the voice mail I left for Mister Stood Me Up Three Times.  I simply said this:

“At this point, you could show up with flowers, chocolates, and your dick in a box, and I would still slam the door in your face.  Lose my number.”

I’m back to ME.  No boys allowed.  Period.

P.S. Thanks Ryan and Katrina for the kick in the pants.  Love you guys.

I’m thinking if you were awesome at all, you would follow The Huffington Post pretty regularly. But, just in case it has to be said: You should be reading The Huffington Post. And not just for all the political stuff. There’s plenty of pop culture, too and etcetera, etcetera.

Maybe this little nugget will be just the thing to get you started – and you don’t even have to read. They are actually videos. Awesome videos, by the way. These are 13 of the funniest SNL shorts. Watch and vote!

13 Funniest SNL Shorts

Wanna know which one is my favorite? I’ll give you a hint: “1. You cut a hole in a box! 2. …”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/21/the-13-funniest-snl-digit_n_293799.html

I stumbled across this clever blog in my web travels yesterday, and am hooked on Slaughterhouse 90210 — the tongue-in-cheek yet profound combination of TV stills and literary quotes.  High and low art.  My cup of tea!  

Visit it now and keep yourself entertained for a good hour or so.

This one should particularly interest my boyfriend. Ralph Waldo Emerson and “Dick in a Box.”  Classy.

Justin Timberlake and the Grammy Awards producers certainly have a high opinion of his prowess on stage.  But I just don’t get it.

When I look at Justin Timberlake, I see a thin, geeky guy with bad hair and an unfortunate nose. Looks aren’t everything, I know…but then he opens his mouth and speaks. His voice is a disturbingly high, female tone to my ear, and paired with his overall look, it does not convince me that sexy is back.

Now, I have seen Justin on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and I agree that he is funny. Very funny even. He does great schtick. I wish he was a regular cast member. I love his SNL Shorts with Andy Samberg. (You know, they stole ‘Dick in a Box’ from a card I did for Hallmark, but I chose not to prosecute.)

But Justin Timberlake ‘the mega-watt singer’ just doesn’t compute for me. I do not understand why audiences fill stadiums to see him…and scream.  And Jessica Biel dates him.  Wow.

So, ‘justin’ case I’m missing something here…the floor is yours.

I know it came out a while back, but it’s still funny as hell LOL.

Been listening to The Lonely Island’s album Incredibad. And it reminded me of the post I wrote, I F**ked A Mermaid, which included a small rant on the I’m On A Boat song, and Jizz In My Pants, which included a small ramble of that song. So tonight I’ve decided to start off by rambling or ranting about a few of their other songs.

I could just summarise the album into “Completely ridicululous but brilliant” but that’s nowhere near as interesting.

Who Said We’re Wack? – I did. *raises hand* Yep, t’was me. I’ve been smoking crack, and now I’ll probably get smacked. Haha. It’s true though, how can a person call another person wack? how can the devil turn the blue sky black? and most importantly, how many babies born will ever reach their dreams? Hmm deep stuff there…

Boombox - The old people smell makes you want to puke in the sink. Mm maybe not quite that bad, but I’ll agree there, that old people have that icky smell. Not all of them. But the ones that do have it bad. The music washed away all the hate and society started advancing If only, man. Though music is so powerful I can see it being a possibility. We’ll all rock out to boombox’s and the world will be a happy place! But uh-oh, Everybody started having sex, the music was way to powerful, A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits, it was disgusting to say the least! Oh cheers guys, an image I didn’t need to think about. Makes me think of the movie Purfume. But instead of smelling the scent the creepy boy held, everyone heard the music, and broke into a wild sensual orgy. Finally, You gotta know your limits with a boombox, this was a cautionary tale, a boombox is not a toy. Oh, it was a cautionary tale? I got lost in all the disturbing images and similes *shudders* but sorry guys, perhaps a boombox won’t change the world *sigh*

Punch You In The Jeans: I gotta vendetta, it’s against your jeans, yeah, Gonna put my knuckles up against the seams. Oh yeah, I feel your pain, some jeans, they’re just so aggravating. You just want to punch them. It’s so hard to control myself sometimes. Some jeans, just. Ugh. I’m getting mad just thinking about them! Ha. Beat your jeans so bad that they wish they were shorts. Ooh, your jeans better watch out. Have to be pretty beat to wish you were shorts.. don’tcha think? I dunno, I quite like cute short shorts. Though if we’re talking stubbies, like tight stubbies, on a guy, well then maybe that’d be pretty bad, so I’ll take it that’s what kind of shorts they’re referring to in that song.

We Like Sportz: And we don’t care who knows. Oh yeah, so you just wrote a song about it, and broadcast it so the whole world hears it, in which the song is telling the whole world you like sports, but you don’t care who knows? Oh yep. I see the logic there!. Oh, and, over compensating for much?

Dick In A Box: To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, It’s easy to do just follow these steps, 1, cut a hole in the box, 2, put your junk in that box, 3, make her open the box, And that’s the way you do it. Wtf? No ribbon in a pretty little bow? No gift tag? No bubble wrap, tissue paper, or cellophane? I’m disappointed…

Dreamgirl: Oh fuck where do I start LOL Love how not one but both eyes are lazy … Whoa okay.. And when you lift your skirt in public yo I can’t help but peek … Oh yeah, every guy wants their dream girl to do that… Girl how’d you get those mouse traps glued to your neck … I dunno but I’d sure like to know too!
Last week thought I saw you on the street
Turns out it was a bag of trash
Just a big ol’ bag of trash
I thought you looked like a bag of trash …

Dude, you sure you just don’t want to make out with a bag of trash? It then goes on to mention Chex Mix. I’m sure I used to eat Chex. I’m sure it was a cereal made from corn. And it was weirdly shaped like a munted cage? Bright yellow box. Wonder if it’s the same thing…

Like A Boss: All I can say is, wtf? Lol. They must have met some pretty queer bosses….

———————————————————————————

I feel kinda sick. And my laptop just blinded me by turning up the display brightness as it decided to start charging again. I typed this in the dark I’ll have you know. You see, if I don’t have my lamp on, I can just put my laptop on the bedside table and go to sleep, not have to climb to the end of my bed to turn my lamp off. Clever I though.

Update on Chimera costume: I made a longsleeved dress with the fabric for my Great Exhibition dress. That will go over the hoop skirt. I don’t know how yet. I also have to alter the neckline of the dress, and make the top bit look more corsety. But then it’s done!

Some dick put a bid of $14 on the auction for the dress I want for TNC. I was leading at $6. I’m annoyed at the big leap because there is still three days left. More people bidded and my autobid kept me leading. I was at $16.50 and then for some unknown reason to me, it autobidded my maximum bid! When noone had outbid me. So now I’m leading at $20 but it needn’t have gone that high yet! Ugh. Well, if I’m outbid, I’m not bidding anymore, I found a pattern for a 1920-ish looking dress in the box of miscellaneous patterns we’ve acquired god knows how. And I’m going to go to Spotlight and pick out some cheap fabric on Saturday morning. That’s if I’m outbid. Which  I think I probable will be. Kinda hope so. Would save the stress of worrying if i’ll get the dress in time for chimera…

Speaking of fabric, I have about 2m of my 8m left. Lol. And it has specks of sparkly stuff all through it. Which is now spread all through my house. HAHA. Woops. Mum got all annoyed because it somehow got all over her black woolen jersey. It’s also all over the tablecloth and lounge floor rug. Needless she wasn’t too happy. But hey, how the fuck am I meant to stop it spreading it’s sparkles? Not my fault. I didn’t realise till too late anyway. Lol.

Family are too confusing I’ve decided. And my tolerance has not improved towards them despite that I’m feeling much better headachey and sinus-wise.

I think it was the pizza that made me feel sick. Fuck I hope the gluten free one didn’t get mixed up with the gluten one. That’d suck. Though I’m sure it didn’t. I hope it didn’t. Ugh. It was yum pizza though. But it disagreed with my stomach. I was fine untill after I ate it. That and a milkshakey drink. At least I don’t feel like being sick anymore. Though brought my rubbish bin closer to my bed. Just in case.. Lol.

Well, I think I’m out of things to say! Except, listen to Dream Theater! They’re cool. Progressive Metal. I’m in love with Pull Me Under and Forsaken. And Wait For Sleep, it has cool piano in the intro. ^_^

Night!

Katreese Barnes

From the halls of Weldon Middle School to the concert stages of New York City and beyond, Katreese Barnes has followed her musical instincts to the pinnacle of her professional career and well beyond the dreams of the gifted young prodigy who once called Halifax County home.

Growing up as an Army brat moving from state to state, Barnes and her family settled in Weldon in 1976. At the age of 10, she began taking classical music lessons, a move her mother, Esther, recognized as inevitable. “She was just a very talented child,” she said during a recent interview. “The teacher gave her the sheet music and she went through it just like that. They had to start writing out charts for her after that. She won all kinds of competitions.”

After attending Weldon City Schools for several years, Barnes was awarded a music scholarship to the N.C. School of Arts in Winston Salem. Thriving in the creative atmosphere of her new environment, she played with the Wilmington Symphony as a featured soloist during their performance of Bach’s “Concerto in D Minor,” a coveted slot that brought her recognition outside of regional music circles.

Drawing inspiration from her father, an avid musician who played in Top 40 bands in his spare time, Barnes joined her equally talented brother, Jerry, to form the early 80’s R&B group Juicy, and was quickly signed to a recording contract with Arista Records. The group released their debut album in 1982 and went on to record the theme for the seminal 1984 movie “Beat Street,” one of the first motion pictures to explore the world of break dancing and hip-hop. Moving on to Atlantic and CBS records later in the decade, Juicy released a number of singles and two more full-length albums before disbanding in 1987.

Several years later, in the early nineties, Barnes made the decision to move to New York, a decision that would ultimately catapult her career into an entirely different direction.

Following the move, Barnes, now in her early-twenties, quickly established herself as a backup singer after being tapped by legendary R&B artist Roberta Flack to work on her 1994 album “Roberta.”  She would go on to work with some of the biggest names in the music industry, such as Sting, Carly Simon, P. Diddy and Billy Joel, stretching her wings into the fields of writing and arranging in the process.

Speaking to the Daily Herald from her home in New York Tuesday, Barnes recalled this formative period of her career fondly. “It was funny how I acclimated so fast working with people I idolized. I felt that was where I was supposed to be. I believe you are just destined to be who you are going to be. When you meet people who are like-minded, it really opens your eyes.”

In 1999, a band mate informed Barnes about an opening for a pianist with the house band of the famed late-night comedy show Saturday Night Live. Though somewhat skeptical of her chances at first, Barnes auditioned for the spot. Much to her surprise, she got the job.

Slowly but surely, Barnes worked her way up the ranks, writing, arranging and learning the ropes of working in live television. Eventually, Barnes would be promoted to musical director, the first African-American female to hold that title in the show’s history.

“In this industry there’s a lot of pressure to have your own band and constantly tour and make records,” Barnes said of the career change, “but very few people can sustain that. With SNL, it’s a different challenge. You’re always doing something different. It’s worked out for me and I believe I found the thing that’s right for my soul.”

Though she was thrilled to get the job, Barnes said the change of pace took some getting used to. “Working at SNL is completely different from the work I did before. I can’t even explain the madness of that show from week to week. There’s nothing quite like it anywhere. It’s amazing working with this brilliant cast of comedians and musicians.”

One of the high points of Barnes’ tenure on SNL thus far was winning the 2007 Emmy for Best Original Music and Lyrics for her work on “D..k in a Box,”  a classic comedy sketch starring Justin Timberlake. “That will never leave my piano,” Barnes said of the award. “A lot of people think I wrote the lyrics but I didn’t. I just wrote the music. They came to me and said they wanted a spoof of the nineties R&B stuff, like R. Kelly and Color Me Badd. I came up with the music on Tuesday and they recorded the vocals Thursday night. You’ve got to be on top of your game to do this because a lot of it is last minute.”

Addressing the risqué nature of the song, Barnes said she was told it was a “stretch for some of the older Emmy nominating committee members. But comedy is so different now than it was 30 years ago, and I think people are smart and will recognize that.”

With her career in full swing, Barnes was recently picked as musical director for this year’s National Hockey League Awards show, a task that Barnes obviously relishes. “I was flattered,” she stated. “When people recognize your work outside of the show, it’s an accomplishment.”

Barnes said although her work on the awards ceremony is similar to her day job, it does offer some distinct advantages. “It’s not as high pressured as SNL. It’s less stress because you have more time to put things together. I’ve been working on it for two months, brainstorming, getting things finalized.”

Outside of the television industry, Barnes has kept one foot in the performing world, staging a one woman show, what she refers to as a “dark comedy” called “Rocket Man.”  Barnes said the show features funked-up arrangements of songs by Elton John, who she formerly worked for as a backup singer.

With a career that’s branched off into soundtrack work, classical composition and low brow comedy, Barnes seems content to let the music take the lead, following the sounds wherever they choose to take her.

“I only really knew I was going to be able to do this full-time eight years ago,” she stated, sounding grateful and surprised. “It wasn’t one of those things where I thought ‘Wow, I’m automatically going to be able to do this for a living.’”
I can’t say what the future holds, but I’ll always be involved in composing and arranging, whether it’s for artists, TV or Broadway musicals. I think that’s what I was born to do.”

The final week of round one.  Tonight’s list of competitors is no less extraordinary than the first five.  Roy Yamaguchi (Roy’s Hawaiian Fusion® Cuisine, Nationwide), Michael Cimarusti (Providence Restaurant, LA), Art Smith (O, the Oprah Magazine), and Jonathan Waxman (Barbuto, NYC) are all competing for the final spot tonight.

Quickfire: Aisle Trial
The chefs are assigned a different aisle that they can shop from at Whole Foods.  The judges were Whole Foods employees.  They did not appear to be very knowledgeable about food though, odd.

Waxman 3.5 stars, Yamaguchi 4 stars, Smith 4.5 stars and Cimarusti took the early lead with 5 stars.

Elimination Challenge:  More Mystery Box
The chefs draw each other’s names and must create a mystery box for that chef to prepare a meal with.  Each contestant then prepares a dish using ingredients from the box. In other words it is a rip-off of Food Network’s Chopped which most people recognize as a rip-off of Top Chef’s Aisle Trial. So this challenge has come full circle.  Wow, this challenge is tailor made for Debbie on NFNS 5.  No doubt she’d pack her box with marbles and cyanide.

Final scores:
Yamaguchi 15 stars, Cimarusti 17.5 stars, Waxman 20 stars, Smith wins with 22 stars.

Art Smith will join Hubert Keller, Suzanne Tracht, Rick Bayless, Anita Lo and Michael Chiarello in the champion’s round which begins July 29 on Bravo.

Best Twits from #topchef:

Jeff Houck, Tampa Tribune food columnist (@thestew) “True food fact: Chef Roy Yamaguchi once played drums in a high school band named Tiny Noodles Under A Chair.”

Joel, Parts Unknown (@joelkodner), “Dear cameraman; when filming Gael Greene, pull back. Way back. Like, from Sheboygan.”

Sarah Caron, New England-based food writer (@CucinaBella) ”Never had eggs with pasta?!? Ever heard of a little dish called carbonara — and these are the judges?“

Kat Kinsman, Senior editor for AOL Food (@kittenwithawhip) “God help me, I’m oozing Art Smith. It tastes like mangoes, lard and a smattering of whisker.“

Adam from Chicago (@bg5000) “Is the title of tonight’s Top Chef, Trick in a Box, a play on Dick in a Box? “

The basic idea behind a constrained comic is to use the same pictures over and over again with new dialogue to make a totally new comic each day… So I drew a simple one-panel comic and I’m just going to change the dialogue from day to day. Here’s how it turned out…

this one is a classic, and probably my all-time favorite SNL digital short.

Dick in a Box

Enjoy.

Sunday night, Joymarie and I sat down to watch the 2009 MTV Movie Awards. Funny thing. Once upon a time, I’d steer clear of all award shows, but I like Andy Samberg (who hosted this year’s show) and so I decided to check it out.

I watched it in its entirety. And while it felt kind of dirty, I’m glad I did. I was equally entertained and disgusted – usually alternating back and forth between the two feelings in the span of just under a minute. At times, I was pleased – usually by something involving Samberg. Just as often, however, I was displeased – usually by something involving the movie Twilight, which won just about all the awards. (Even Samberg and some of the presenters seemed a little put-off by all the attention the tweener vampire flick was receiving.)

Here are me thoughts on some moments from the 2009 MTV Movies Awards:

• “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions” – My second favorite part of the show. Samberg and Will Ferrell (as Neil Diamond) perform something typically spoofy proclaiming, “the flames are hot but their hearts are chill,” amidst a montage of cool guys (Denzel Washington, Mark Wahlberg, Iron Man) not looking at explosions. I think the keyboard solo actually tied the whole thing together for me.
• Sacha Baron Cohen-Eminem Fiasco – Sacha Baron Cohen is fucking annoying. I know. I’m supposed to watch his prankster antics and find them unbelievably mortifying/clever. But I don’t. If that lessens me in your eyes, I’m prepared to deal with that. When Cohen (as his gay alter-ego Bruno) descended onto Eminem and proceeded to plant his ass in the rapper’s face, I was hoping that Slim Shady’s entourage was going to make the whole night worthwhile and murder Cohen. No such luck. The douchebag survived.
• Forest Whitaker Singing “Dick in a Box” - Easily my favorite part of the show. LeAnn Rimes and Chris Isaak were great paying homage to Samberg’s Digital Shorts “Jizz In My Pants” and “Lazy Sunday” but Whitaker’s interpretation of “Dick in a Box” was almost better than the original. Truly. I think it’s safe to say everyone is now in on the whole absurdist comedy wave.
• Miley Cyrus Wins “Best Song In A Movie” Award – She beat out four other songs she shouldn’t have. Her acceptance speech illustrated why we as a society need to ban against the talentless, unsexy hack. “I wanna thank God! Hellllooooooo? The only reason I’m here!” Thanks, God. We owe you one.
• Ben Stiller Receiving the “MTV Generation Award” – Kiefer Sutherland, Zac Efron and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog presented the award to Stiller. It was very much like a roast with Efron saying things like, “You sell out the theaters without selling out.” Triumph obsessed over Stiller’s resemblance to different primates. Sutherland broke down, sat on the edge of the stage and addressed Stiller directly in a “heartfelt” testimonial of his admiration. Sutherland went on for about two minutes too long. To his credit, Stiller sat through the whole thing without choking any of them. If I was him, I would’ve at least made a run at the dog.

Overall, the show spanned the canvas of everything pop culture. And, while there were some truly sickening/moronic people and ideas out there, it was proof to me there are things happening that just might be worthwhile. Still, when I saw the likes of Cyrus and the dude with the hair from Twilight mixed in with performers with actual real talent, I was forced to wonder if the world of entertainment wasn’t free-falling to some dark, evil place.

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby

As Bill Cosby suggests, finding humor in everyday life even makes you a more optimistic person. And true, genuine, upbeat people have magnetic personalities.

Scientists seem to agree that a good laugh is a powerful emotional and mental health booster. Laughing can relieve stress, give you a mini internal workout, and is a powerful connection agent for interpersonal communication. 

Haven’t let out a solid chuckle in a while? Here are a few ideas to get you bustin’ a gut:

- Check out a local improv comedy troupe. I have a monthly date with a friend to catch a Saltine Warriors improv show in Syracuse, NY. The best part of improv is that the audience’s involvement is critically important for the funny factor of the show. Don’t be surprised if you’re pulled up on stage! This is a great opportunity to laugh at others and yourself. If you’re especially daring, join an improv class in your area. Laugh and meet other laugh seekers and laugh makers.

- Go to the local video store and rent a funny movie or a season of The Office. Get up early on your day off, pop in a DVD and laugh your face off for a few hours. Or get a few friends together for a casual night in. Pop some corn and chill in your sweats. Add a glass of wine and you’re sure to get max laughter.

- Have a vulgar streak? Then Saturday Night Live digital shorts are for you! Get your fill of dirty jokes and wacky song spoofs. Two of my personal favorites feature Justin Timberlake. “Dick in a box” even won an Emmy! Follow up that gem with part two, “Motherlover.” NBC.com and Hulu.com allow you to watch loads of these videos for free! It takes two minutes to register for a free Hulu account.

- Kids have the most honest, pure sense of humor. If you have little ones of your own, nieces and/or nephews, ask them what their favorite jokes are. There are also plenty of hilarious videos of funny kids on YouTube. “Charlie bit my finger” is a classic. A recent favorite video features a little boy dancing like a hip hop maniac.

–SJ

Yeah I know long title, I just wanted you to know what you were getting yourself into before you read any further. Now I don’t normally write blogs about pop culture or whats going on in the mainstream entertainment machine. I figure that there is enough of that to go around on the internet and television so you don’t need my two cents. But After watching the MTV Movie Awards for the first time in years (BTW), I felt I had to say something. I only tuned in because Andy Samberg is hilarious and his Lonely Island CD is like my new favorite shit and I listen to it everyday at least twice! That being said I couldn’t believe what the fuck I saw. I was expecting the lame jokes and not knowing who half the current crop of actors pretending to be teenagers were. What I was not expecting was to see Sacha Cohen sixty-nining Eminem or Forrest Whitaker singing “Dick In A Box” like it was night at the fucking Oscars. Those two moments made the show. Kiefer Sutherland’s fake crying was alright but I hate him so much I couldn’t bring myself to laugh. But what could you expect he was presenting a “Generation” Award to that hack Ben Stiller. Which I guess is something like a “Lifetime Achievement award if your life span started in 1990. That moment was made even sadder by the presence of the once great Triumph the Insult Comic dog whose talents were further wasted since he left Conan. They had some douchey looking kid who’s entire body of work I have never seen in anything other than three seconds of commercials that I quickly turn from. By the end of the show I was so pissed at the cast from that fucking shit vampire movie Twilight, that I couldn’t even enjoy Will Ferrell and Danny McBride kicking cats off stage. There bit was ruined by Jim Carey a man so horrible that he actually makes Ben Stiller look funny. What really pissed me off about these ball-licking assholes from Twilight is how none of them seemed terribly interested in being there or excepting the awards. Although they won nearly every one. Due mainly to the fact that the awards (if you can call them that) were voted on by fans online. Not hard to dominate when you think of how many stupid little girls sitting in the Mid West flooding the ballot box. I was certain after the third time they came up that they were acting of course, but it became annoying. I hope they realize that the longevity of their fame depends on how long they can milk this particular cash cow. They’re youthful looks will fade and they will be nothing more than characters to the teenagers who adore them now. Once those little girls reach college their Twilight loving days will be behind them.

Aside from overdosing on pop culture over on MTV, I had quite an eventful night actually watching TV. Normally I only watch Adult Swim, WWE, and MSNBC. Occasionally I watch Gangland on the History Channel, the Soup on E, and Mad Men on A&E. While Mad Men is away I have become fond of Breaking Bad starring the Dad from Malcom in the Middle. Tonight was not only the Breaking Bad Season finale (which blew me away), but also the premier of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force special “live action” episode starring T-Pain. Which was a lot for me too watch. I’m actually re-watching Breaking Bad right now to catch the parts I missed as I flipped back and forth. And before you even think it-yes I have a DVR! I recorded Aqua Teen but I will still watch the replay at 3:30 (my time). I am a bit overwhelmed right now but I wanted to get some of my thoughts out about what I just witnessed. And yes-I know I need a life!

—————-
Now playing: The Lonely Island – Dick In A Box (feat. Justin Timberlake)
via FoxyTunes

Let me start by saying that this AWARDS should be called the Twilight Awards as Michael Buckley from the What The Buck? Show has so intelligently named. Every single category in which the stupid vampire movie was nominated won and let me tell you something: The Twilight Movie IS NOT GOOD. The movie is BAD, it was low budget and it wasn’t even great. The 1 minute and 47 seconds of the New Moon Trailer (Twilight 2) is WAAAAAAAAY better than the 2 hours Twilight lasted. Every single person I’ve talked to has told me the same thing, the quality if much much better and it actually looks like a movie now.

I will dedicate a whole new post to the new moon trailer because there are just lots of things to talk about.

Andy Samberg was the BEST host EVER. He is amazing and I love him!

BRUNO.
EMINEM.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH
LMFAO!
Best moment ever! I was looking thru youtube to get a clip for you guys but guess what? The stupid people at Viacom claimed copyright and youtube ALREADY deleted all of the videos.
In case you missed it, Bruno came down flying with wings and apparently he turned around and couldn’t ….

nvm! THANK YOU MTV!!!
THEY POSTED THE VIDEO!
WATCH IT HERE BEFORE IT GOES DOWN.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/395464/2009-mtv-movie-awards-bruno-presents-best-male-performance.jhtml#id=1611659

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

ANYWAYS….

In other news…
Kristen Stewart dropped her award. There was a medly of jizz in my pants, dick in a box and im on a boat. zac efron accepted his own award without being annouced. Vanessa Hudgens is JELOUS of Kristen Stewart. Miley Cyrus won for THE CLIMB. Cameron Diaz does ADULT films and I have no idea who Denzel Washington is!

xoxo,
E!

You all know I pick any excuse in the world to LiveBlog something.

So, I haven’t watched the MTV Movie Awards since… uh probably ever, actually. And to be honest, I didn’t even see very many movies last year. Wow, I just set a great tone for the rest of this post didn’t I? YEAH, I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I’M BLOGGING ABOUT FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS. SOUNDS GREAT. No, just kidding. But MTV usually puts on a good show, and even when they don’t, it’s hilarious to watch them try, so might as well.

Right now I’m watching the series finale of The Hills, and to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty sad that it’s ending! I can’t say that I’ve watched regularly for the past three seasons or so, but it’s like a little chunk of my early 20’s ending, and there’s gonna be a lot less Monday night eyerolling and gossip fodder. SIGH.

Anyway, you’re not here to listen to me whine about The Hills ending. You’re here to listen to me be a jerkfaced liveblogger.

OKAY WAIT, WHY ARE ALL THE MOST RANDOM ASS PEOPLE AT THIS WEDDING, THOUGH. SERIOUSLY. Since when is Justin Bobby friends with Spencer and Heidi? And why is STACIE THE SKANKY BARTENDER there? I’m– OH MTV MOVIE AWARDS. FOCUS, CELISSE.

Miley Cyrus actually looks really cute and age-appropriate, but what's with the 900 rings and bracelets?

I don’t know why the pictures are so blurry on Daylife, but that’s lame.

Okay, I should be trying harder not to talk so much crap on Twilight, but seriously? I was all over this outfit, despite the fact that Kristen Stewart looks like a haggard slag in it, until I got to the shoes. Come on. OMG CELISSE STOP H8IN.

OKAY the show is about to start AND I haven’t even gotten a chance to do red carpet photos even though I have like nine Daylife tabs open in my browser right now. I’ll have to edit them in as the show goes on.

So, Andy Samberg is hosting this year, as everyone knows, and all I need to say about that is that I recently had a dream where I made out with him, and then Spencer Pratt punched me in the face. I’m not even kidding. Is that off-topic? I think so.

Chekkit, it’s the opening skit where Andy basically travels through every movie of the past year. So far I’ve recognized Twilight, OH ITS STAR TREK. Uh, Andy isn’t very fit, is he? Not gonna be answering any queries for Andy Samberg shirtless very soon, are we? EEE JUSTIN JUSTIN J.TIM and naked Andy. Awkward.

“YOUR PENIS LOOKS LIKE FERGIE FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS.” WHAT?

OH, ANDY.

Okay the show officially started and they immediately cut to Robert Pattinson, aka footface, and I still don’t understand that guy’s appeal, honestly. Someone, anyone, enlighten me.

OH HELLO DOUG AND PARIS. That’s such a weird combo. Speaking of, why weren’t they at the wedding? Everyone else on the planet was, apparently.

Such a random pairing, Paris Hilton and Doug from the Hills. He has no last name -- he's just Doug from the Hills.

OH MY GOD IT’S KEYBOARD CAT AHAHA! Wowwwww, we’re gettin old memes on live TV now. Love it.

Why is Megan Fox so annoying? DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE HYPE.

FRED ARMISENNNNN YESSSS!!!! He’s getting an intervention with Dr. Phil. Mhm. And Cameron D. stops by for no reason, which is expected since she does that on SNL all the damn time.

First presenters, ANNA FARIS AND CHRIS PINE, and Celisse swoons loudly, thanks. Hello Chris you scruffy scruffy hunkus. Anna Faris is.. weird looking, as usual.

Breakthrough Female: Amanda Seyfried, Mamma Mia; Ashley Tisdale, HSM 3; Frieda Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire; Miley, Hannah Montana The Movie; Vanessa Hudgens, HSM 3; Kat Dennings, Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist

Why the hell are there so many nominees? My fingers are gonna freak out, dude. Winner: Ashley Tisdale. Well, okay. That’s weird, Disney movies on MTV. The Zef looks a little peeved, honestly.

Megan Fox and Michael Bay present next, and I seriously just hate Megan Fox, I mean it. And someoe screams out I LOVE YOU MICHAEL BAY, and no one in the entire world agrees. TRANSFORMERS SNEAK PEEK. I use this time to rewind and record, cos I forgot. Whoops. Also gonna try to add in some red carpet pics while I have a minute during commercials.

Megan Fox. Dress is cute, shoes are cute, hair is nasty, face is RUDE. I just can't stand her. WHATEVER.

—–

Commercials are over and I didn’t get to add any pics cos I was lookin for stupid photos of R.Patz and didn’t find any. THE PAPARAZZI KNOWS HE’S FUGLY TOO. Just kidding.

SHIAAAAA LABEOUF!!!!! He’s such a cutie, that Louis Stevens. He’s presenting –

Best Fight: Ron Perlman vs Luke Goss, Hellboy II; Anne Hathaway vs Kate Hudson, Bride Wars; Heath Ledger vs Christian Bale, The Dark Knight; Cam Gigandet vs Robert Pattinson, Twilight; Seth Rogen & James Franco vs Danny McBride, Pineapple Express

I’m rootin for the Pineapple, loves. And AHAHAHA Shia completely mispronounces Cam Gigandet’s name when he announces the Best Fight Winner: Twilight.

Whateverrrrr. I will never forgive that guy for KILLING MARISSA COOPER.

Taraji P. Henson and Bradley Cooper and some other people introduce Eminem, and I take a nap. No, dude, Bradley Cooper is so hot. I’m serious. He’s so hot. Taraji has on some weird getup that looks like a French maid’s outfit:

I don't get this dress.

Eminem’s new face bugs me. Not that it’s NEW, but it looks different as hell and it’s just weirding me out lately, man. He’s performing Crack a Bottle, and I love that song, not even gonna lie. Whatevzzzz. COMMERCIAL BREAK.

—–

AND WE’RE BACK. And Andy Samberg is dressed like… Bruce Springsteen? Is this reference totally over my head? Probably. He’s singing about EXPLOSIONS. And Will Ferrell is Niel Diamond and he has some FANCY HAIR, dude. Keyboard solo by JJ Abrams. Nice! I guess…. AW, HEATH LEDGER. WALKING AWAY FROM AN EXPLOSION. I miss him still.

I JUST CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY QUINTO CUTIE. YES.

Next presenters are Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens. haahaahaaahaaaaahaahahaaaa. Vanessa is wearing… a robe? Weird.

Breakthrough Male: DEV PATEL, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, YES. I didn’t even see that movie I’M SORRY, but I love Dev Patel so much. I’m a loser; Taylor Lautner, Twilight; Bobb’e J. Thompson, Role Models; Ben Barnes, Chronicles of Narnia; Robert Pattinson, Twilight, and seriously the entire audience spontaneously orgasms, while I vomit. If R.Patz gets it I’ll I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CRAP ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME? Winner: Robert Pattinson. Eff this noise. Good God, he’s annoying.

OH MY GOD THIS PHOTO JUST MADE ME DIE LAUGHING:

JONAH HILL FREAKING OUT OVER BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF FOOTFACE.

If this is seriously gonna be another MTV VMA’s/Britney Spears situation, I’m gonna be so pissed. COMMERCIALS.

—–

Okay the show is back, and Bruno is seriously flying in while Enigma’s “Sadeness” plays in the background. This could not possibly get more weird. He lands CROTCH FIRST on Eminem, and Em is freaking out so hard that they had to completely cut out the sound from him cursing so much. And now he and his entourage are leaving in a huff, because they’re dumbasses, basically.

A really, really, really angry Eminem was under there someplace.

Bruno mumbles something about Zac Efron, who looks confused as hell and gets on stage to accept an award, and no one knows what for. Oh, I guess it’s Best Male Performance for HSM 3. THIS WAS THE MOST CONFUSING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I guess Bruno was announcing the Nominees while Eminem was getting ready to shut him the fuck down. Zac seriously looks SO confused but really humble and adorable, actually.

I really enjoy this photo of Zac Efron very confusingly accepting his award.

Oh, its a clip from Harry Potter. Uh, that’s cool. The little ginger one is kinda cute. COMMERCIALS.

—–

And no more commercials. And some guy is humping the golden popcorn. Weird.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are presenting Best Kiss. Sandra Bullock is old.

Best Kiss: Sean Penn and James Franco, Milk; James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie, Wanted; Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Twilight ughhhh; Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire; Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, HSM3; Paul Rudd and Thomas Lennon, I Love You, Man.

I can get behind that Paul Rudd/Thomas Lennon nonsense not gonna lie. Oh, bighugesurprise, Winners: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Twilight. I’m so over this. They don’t even look excited. Oh, they’re gonna make out on stage, wonderful.

VOMIT.

NOPE NEVERMIND. Thank God.

Oh lookit, it’s Chris Isaak and Leanne Rimes to perform Jizz in my Pants. Well, okay. I take a break so I don’t pee in my pants, thanks. HAY THAT’S FORREST WHITAKER SINGING DICK IN A BOX. Okay, now I’m all behind this, I love him.

Siiingin' Dick in a Box. Not kidding.

Hayden Panettiere and …some guy. What the hell is this guy’s name? He reminds me of Posh Kenneth from Skins. I always wanna hate Hayden Panettiere, but she’s friggen cute, okay? Anyway, they’re presenting the Best WTF Moment: Aaaand they’re rapping it, which makes this kind of obnoxious for me to type out. But the winner is Amy Poehler for Baby Mama. And she’s not there to accept but she taped an acceptance and she’s just adorable as always. And dropping the F-bomb throughout the whole thing, natch. OH Big Pac is that guy’s name? WHO THE HECK IS HE?

Leighton Meester and Li’l Wayne are presenting Best Song from a Movie. What is Leighton wearing? CAN I JUST SAY I LOVE HER? I KNOW ITS REALLY TYPICAL FOR ME TO LOVE HER SINCE I’M A GG FANATIC, BUT I LOVE HER. But what is she wearing? Lil Wayne is “promoting his acting premiere.” Boy, am I excited. HAH he gives a little shoutout to Obama, though, which is cute as hell. Anyway.

Best Song from a Movie: Jai Ho — AR Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire; The Wrestler — Bruce Springsteen, The Wrestler; Decode — Paramore, Twilight; The Climb — Miley Cyrus; Hannah Montana, the Movie.

Winner: Miley Cyrus — The Climb.

Oh, Miley, your little fugface is so cute sometimes.

I love how Miley CANNOT walk in her heels. But I like her dress and she looks excited so that’s okay. Aaaand she tries to be funny by literally screaming: “I’M ON A BOAT!”, and it’s really weird.

Exclusive clip from Twilight. Snore. Can someone tell me why Kristen Stewart always looks absolutely miserable? Come on. Is it because she’s involved with Twilight? Well, now I can understand.

—–

Ben Stiller is awarded the MTV Generation Award. That’s fair, he’s been working for, what, 182934328 DECADES ALREADY? And in that time he’s played, like, three characters? HAHAHAAAAAAA I KID, I KID. I like Ben Stiller well enough, actually, and I can appreciate him getting that award. YOU GO, BOY. I still love Reality Bites, not even gonna lie. And they finish this Ben Stiller movie montage while playing Coldplay, which of course makes it all the more PROFOUND.

Zac Efron, Kiefer Sutherland, and Tri… Triumph the puppet dog thing that hasn’t been seen or heard from since, like, 1999 or something? What? Well, okay. Anyway, they’re making fun of Ben and he blows a kiss to Zac. ROFL. Ben gets up to get his award and HEY THEY’RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT REALITY BITES!!! YES!!!! And now they’re talking about 24 and Ben looks ANNOYED, in a hilarious way. And Triumph calls the new Night at the Museum torture, tying it all in to 24, wahahaha. Okay, this is running long. Go get your award, baby.

He’s FINALLY getting his award, after like 15 minutes. JEEZ. Kiefer is SOBBING ON STAGE WAHAHA. And hugging Ben. Verging on molestation.

Ben Stiller and Kiefer Sutherland hug, and Zac Efron is like awkwaaaaaaard.............

And now it’s a skit about the new video game, DOUBT, based on the movie with Philip Seymoure Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Hmmmm. COMMERCIALS!!

—–

I’m waiting for more pics to be uploaded to Daylife and it’s taking FOREVERRRRRR.

Abigail Breslin, Cameron Diaz, and Sofia Vassilieva are presenting next, and the younger two are making jokes about all of Cameron’s “adult films.” Hilar? I guess.

Best Female Performance: Anne Hathaway, Bride Wars; Angelina Jolie, Wanted; Kate Winslet, The Reader; Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Kristen Stewart, Twilight.

Winner: Kristen Stewart, Twilight. I’m seriously done with this. Aaaaand she still looks miserable. Wonderful. SHE SERIOUSLY DROPPED THE POPCORN. AND I DIE LAUGHING. DIE. LAUGHING. And Popcorn Man holds it tightly for the rest of her time on stage, and she legitimately RUNS off stage. omg omg omg ok it was worth it, just for that.

Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum introduce Kings of Leon. New hit, “Use Somebody?” That’s not new! OLD MEME, MTV.

COMMERCIALS!!!

—–

Andy Samberg is excited about having changed his outfit. AWESOME, ANDY.

Danny McBride and Will Ferrell are presenting next. And they’re holding… cats? Are those real cats? Those are FAKE CATS, you nerds. EUTHANIZED PERSION CATS. THAT’S NOT NICE, GENTLEMEN. So they kicked them away. hahaha

Best Comedic Performance: Amy Poehler, Baby Mama; Steve Carrell, Get Smart; Anna Faris, The House Bunny; Jim Carrey, Yes Man; JAMES FRANCO, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. You can always tell my favorites.

Winner: Jim Carrey. This is a night full of disappointments. I don’t even know ANYONE who saw Yes Man. There’s this big un-funny weird thing going on during his acceptance where we HEAR HIS MIND, or something, but at some point he says, “PLEASE OVERTURN PROP 8.” Sounds good to me! SWINE FLU REFERENCE. This show has jumped the shark.

Commercials. SIGH.

—–

Denzel Washington and his daughter, Olivia. That’s cute!

Best Movie: The Dark Knight; Slumdog Millionaire; HSM3; Iron Man; Twilight.

If Twilight wins I’ll puke, I’ll puOH JESUS COME ON.

Winner: Twilight.

COME ONNNNNN  SHUT UP. ROFL they were gonna keep thanking people, I think, and Andy totally cut them off and ended the show. But wasn’t there supposed to be a viewers choice or something? The timing on this show was COMPLETELY OFF. I’m so confused.

What the hell, I didn’t see Best Villain. Did they show that? WHAT? Apparently Heath Ledger won that one, though, so yay.

Okay, that was kinda disappointing and I’m still confused about the ending and now I don’t know how to end this. WHATEVER, SHOW’S OVER. NOTHIN’ TO SEE HERE. I actually lost a follower on twitter because of my obsessive liveblogging tweets. Whoops!

Anyway, check back here a little later cos I’m probably gonna update this with more photos as they become available. In the mean time, have a good night!

(UPDATE: Check out pic at the end.)

When I begin to investigate the nature of something which I do not initially understand, I take a deep breath, and prepare myself for the unexpected.  As is the case with the concept of furries, I took a deeper breath, and held onto it for dear life.  Who knew what I’d find.

To begin, allow me to share what prompted this study (via AOTS):

Whenever someone goes to painstaking lengths (I say painstaking because I’m lazy, you see) to create, um, a recreation of this calibre for no real reason, my curiosity is peaked.  Why would anybody make their own version of Dick in a Box for one?  For two – why as anthropomorphic animals?

Immediately, I went to the best source of all truth and accuracy on the web – Mr. Wikipedia himself.  And right off the bat, I was amazed to discover what I understood about furries was completely off.  I’ll get to that in a second.

My opinions had changed because my perception had been changed:

Originally, I had believed that all furries were sexual in nature and creepy in general, and my reaction to the above videos was not cast in a favorable light.  But according to Ms. Wikipedia (I changed my mind about the site’s gender as well, because she’s always right), I learned this:

Many members of the furry community feel that the overly sexual component gives the rest of them a bad name, and may use the derogatory term “furvert” to describe such people…

The term “yiff” is most commonly used to indicate sexual activity or sexual material within the fandom—this applies to sexual activity and interaction within the subculture whether online (in the form of cybersex) or offline…

Most furry fans claim that these media portrayals are misconceptions, while the recent coverage focuses on debunking myths and stereotypes that have come to be associated with the furry fandom…

So as it turns out, those videos aren’t sexual in nature.  They’re just creepy in general. 

(I’m kidding, of course, because who am I to judge.  Do you realize how difficult it is to type with paws?)

He should have been an Ewok.

A C-Dawg find

They helped you out for Christmas, now they’re back for Mother’s Day.

From the guys who brought you “Dick In A Box”…

You gotta watch this music video:
http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/mother+lover/video/x98t3d_mothers-day-love_fun