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Day 13 – Wednesday

My rings are spinning and slipping on my fingers.

Recently a coworker gave another coworker the most brilliant gift.  I am going to pull a FAIL BLOG move and just let the picture speak for itself:

This box is barely bigger than a matchstick book and contains not one, but TWO pieces of gum.  The ultimate meal in a box!

Happy Hump Day!

Shaycarl, youtube personality, inspired me to try a fruit and veg diet for a week to try and lose my final few unwanted pounds (I lost two and a half stone earlier in the year and I’m now literally talking about a few pounds). He was doing his for 20 days and I was only going to do mine for 7, how hard could it be? Impossible is the answer, there’s only so much fruit and veg I can consume in a day. There comes a point when I’ve eaten so much of it and I’m still slightly hungry but I can’t face having another apple. Really though, I’m not concerned. There are other ways to diet and lose weight, you don’t need a really strict diet like this for it to work.

After my big push to lose weight this year, I’ve calmed down on the whole exercise thing. I still swim twice a week but mainly I just make sure I don’t eat ‘crap’ (cakes, biscuits, crips) not to say I’ve cut them out completely, that would be madness. Just keep an eye on them.

Too lose my final few pounds I’m just going to do what I did last time, more exercise and eat less ‘crap’. I’m saying all of this because I know there are people out there who want to lose weight, and think its some magical thing that is almost impossible to do. It isn’t, it’s almost easy to do. Don’t bother wasting time and money of diet plans that are anything more complicated than 1. exercise and 2. don’t eat junk, because it doesn’t need to be.

If you think I’m going to say, quit smoking the ganja, you are quite wrong my friend.  In fact all in all I think when I smoke the green herb of life I feel less inclined to eat, but it is true that every once in awhile I will feel the innate urge to raid the entire house and open seven cans of soup, toast a loaf of bread, or maybe even feel desperate enough to spin together some delicious pancakes and a pop can pipe (oh brother, where art thou).

So I sat on my couch tonight watching “The Biggest Loser”, crying…sobbing, wailing, all alone in my living room.  I have become inappropriately and emotionally involved with the show this particular year and I suppose it’s because one of the girls reminds me of myself, and I certainly don’t want to continue to cascade down the fat hill that I am rolling on.  There was a certain point in the show where the contestants were running a 26 mile marathon and I thought to myself, that would never happen, because I hate running, and I hate working out.  Probably not a key way to become “The Biggest Loser”.  However, sitting on the couch eating, watching “The Biggest Loser”, and believing that I might be infected with the H1N1 most likely isn’t the way to this goal either.  So I came up with a list of personal challenges for myself in my goal to become the biggest loser.  . . .

1. Don’t eat so much. It’s not necessary nor is it healthy to spend an in-excess of $400 a month on fast food items. Mostly made up of carbs, fat, sugar, and a big dollop of feeling gross afterwards.

2. Start actually exercising! By this I mean don’t go to the gym and get on the treadmill or bike and watch TV or read a book while moving at an impeccable slow pace, or take massive amounts of time in between machines and stand around staring at people who are better looking than you, because they are actually utilizing their time at the gym, or hob knobbing around at the water fountain.

3. Start dancing again! Crank up that Bob Marley and smoke a joint.  Let the music take you into a world of looking like a fool alone in your living room and just go with it!

4. Get Happy. Don’t forget to take your medication Einstein.

5. Find a new hobby. Other than sitting around eating.

6. Get some new friends. Ones that don’t just want to go to a club and get sloshed, but who can go somewhere, have a drink or two, enjoy the company, listen to music and have interests other than whoring around and having too much to drink.

And last but not least….ELIMINATION.

This is something I did about 6 months ago, inspired by Anthony Robbins and my counselor.  Make a list of all of the negative things or people in your life, that make you feel less than awesome about yourself, or have a negative impact on you in any way.  I have decided that because of my ridiculously dysfunctional friends and some of the arrogant goals I have set for myself, that it is time to reassess and redo the ELIMINATION process.

Ganja Girl’s Most Important Elimination List!

1. M. Yes, that’s right, the ex boyfriend who is like a Jack in the Box of misery.  Just randomly sending texts, making obscene and inappropriate phone calls, writing sweet and completely unnecessary messages whenever I feel myself “getting over him”.  Just never seems to have any closure to it.   Time to SHUT IT DOWN as Gordan Ramsay would say (I’m reading his biography btw)

2. NEIGHBORS.  I’m working on this one…it’s my most difficult task of all. Trying to eliminate people who live beside me on both sides is an impossible task, however I must do what I can.   Long story short woman, husband, three kids move in beside me and befriend me. Woman’s mother, younger sister, her boyfriend, younger brother, and younger brother’s best friend move in on the opposite side of me. Seem like great people. Woman is obese, never shaves her legs, often has greasy hair, doesn’t wear a decent bra, has a huge growth on her head that often breaks open, and randomly has affairs with her husbands best friend since he was fifteen years old (and tries to get me to cover for her, or just TELLS me that I am), and her younger 19 year old brother’s best friend, who has also slept with her younger sister.  To make matters worse, her husband and her met through her mother, who was sleeping with and dating her husband at the time.  Her younger sister….is a beauty queen and has an ugly shit-eating maggoty  little boyfriend whom she cheats on constantly, and yes, woman tried to sleep with him too.  As you can see, I no longer need to tune into shows, such as Desperate Housewives when I have a living Jerry Springer drama right here in my own living quarters.   You can see where this would be stressful and need to be eliminated….but how?

3. BEST FRIEND R. Yes, my male best friend, my Boif as I call him.  He’s a lying, cheating, slutty, man whore, gambling addict (he’s currently working 2 jobs to pay off $8000 worth of debt from gambling accumulated within a two month span), recovering and relapsing cocaine addict (he snorted over ten lines on his birthday night and wound up at some random hotel on the west end of the city.  He even “might” know someone named Kiwi Terry he thinks?), a pot smoker, cigarette smoker, swearing, egotistical, crass asshole.  However he is my best guy friend and no one will ever know the extent of our close bond, but he helped me through a mega-trauma and we have been through a lot together.  He is also a good friend, trustworthy, loyal, sweet, wears his heart on his sleeve, and is always there when you need a shoulder.  So why the sudden elimination of Boif? Well he has found himself a bible thumping purity angel in every sense of the way.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am a believer in God, and I was raised a Christian so I do have some moral background, but she is in a whole new category of “goodness”. Has never tried a sip of alcohol, never swears, has never touched a smoke, has never kissed a guy before him, so quite clearly a virgin who’s never sucked a dick in her life.  She believes I must have been dropped down from the devil himself because I have three kids out of wedlock and refuses to let him talk, text, message or see me any longer because she is a jealous insecure little bastard who has no concept of what true friendship is.  Boif and I have spent more time together in tiny rooms, confined spaces, and small elevators, cars and offices in the last year and a half than most married couples and we have never had sex.  Why? Because we don’t want to, never have…and never will.  This is has been a huge point of stress the last while, trying to maintain a friendship and having to see him sneak around to come hang out and smoke one, or see him leave a pub early because a band that he’s crazy about suddenly “Isn’t OUR type of music” as she put it.  So I have already eliminated the situation by just not even making any attempt to continue the friendship.  I’m sure when it all falls apart for him and she finds out all of his little secrets, (because heaven forbid she know about his past & present drug addictions, or his cigarette smoking!) he’ll come to me for the support and comfort.  However I am just not willing to stress about it anymore and have let it wash away….

4. C. Now I don’t want to ELIMINATE my middle special needs child, but somehow finding a way of coping mentally and physically with his behaviors would be key.  I am working on that.  I have a class weekly and he is starting to go into a daycare once a week starting this Friday.  Oh the bells will be ringing!!!

5. Weight. Yup, we know I have a problem, 11 lbs in two weeks just isn’t working for me, and it’s not doing anything for my health or self esteem.  Time to crack the whip smartass.

6. S. S is a musician friend of the ex.  He needs to go away.  He’s attractive, he’s funny, we have the sexual chemistry, he likes me, and he is one of the ex’s best friends and previous roomies.  He needs to sink into his musical abyss and never be seen again.  The temptation is always there to start something wildly inappropriate and entertaining with him, but I know that it would deep down be a ploy to upset my ex and it’s just not fair to either of us.  Sad to say that I have to cut off all communication with S, and I know that this will hurt him, but it can just be temporary until I have completely healed and and have diminished feelings for the ex.

7. K. The father of my kids.  Needs to just join the paddy wagon to going away.  As per my younger and wiser brother’s advice I have slowly been weaning his old ass off of mine and inviting him over less, making sure he knows he has a set responsibility to come watch the kids while I work or for my oldest son’s soccer practice on Monday night.  It’s going smoothly, but it is a difficult process, especially when his mother is a raging psychopath who randomly messages me or posts really retarded threatening comments on my business blog.

8. Workload. Yup, it’s a hefty one.  I must say I accomplished the impossible this year…39 weddings, more weddings than any other photographer in my city booked. More than the most well known photographer in my city, who booked less than half of that.  So my solution to cutting my workload in half, is to raise my prices considerably. Less bookings, more money, more time to edit.  But getting caught up on what I have right now is stressing me out and I need to eliminate that issue.

Now I could probably think of far more things in my life to eliminate and one of them would be finding a housekeeper.  My house has not been up to par lately what with being overworked and having a thrown out back, but this would be a huge relief off of my chest.  Molly Maid here I come! Quite honestly this post has become long and unnecessarily boring with the dramas of my daily life.

Time to go smoke a green fatty! Peace out..

Most of us know weight loss requires consuming fewer calories than the body uses. Losing ½ pound of fat by dieting requires 10 days of consuming 200 fewer calories or 5 to 7 days of consuming 400 fewer calories per day than the body uses. One pound of body fat stores about 3,500 calories.Most conservative weight loss diets involve consuming at least 1,200 to 1,400 calories a day. When rapid weight loss is needed, fewer than 1,200 calories may be consumed, but only for a short time. Such diets often have too little of essential nutrients, such as protein, iron, and calcium. Consuming fewer than 800 calories does not increase the amount of weight lost and is harder to tolerate.

For us to be healthy, weight loss diets should provide about the same volume of food (by including more fiber and fluids) as the normal diet. They should also be low in saturated fat and sugar and include essential nutrients, including antioxidants. The following general guidelines may help people lose weight:
Reading food labels: People learn what nutrients and how many calories food, including beverages, contains. Then, people can plan their diet more effectively.
Counting calories: People keep track of the number of calories they eat. This strategy helps people control calorie intake. Choosing nutrient-rich, low-calorie foods: When fewer calories are consumed, getting the needed nutrients-particularly vitamins and minerals-is more difficult. So people should choose foods that contain many nutrients but not many calories. Whole-grain cereals and whole-grain breads that are fortified with vitamins are good choices. Fruits and vegetables that are deeply colored (such as strawberries, peaches, broccoli, spinach, and squash) tend to contain more nutrients than those that are less deeply colored.
Eating small meals frequently: This strategy can help with weight loss for several reasons. Insulin levels usually increase after eating, and more insulin is produced when many calories are consumed, especially when the meal is rich in carbohydrates. High insulin levels promote the deposition of fat and increase appetite. Eating small, frequent meals prevents insulin levels from increasing, thus discouraging fat deposition and helping suppress appetite.
Eating certain types of foods at certain times of the day: For example, fast-energy foods, such as carbohydrates, are best eaten when the body needs a large supply of energy-that is, in the morning and during vigorous exercise. The body’s need for energy is lowest at night, so avoiding carbohydrates in the evening may help
.
If one stops using sugar and fat substitutes: Such substitutes and foods that contain them can sometimes help people reduce calorie intake. However, in some cases, sugar substitutes have effects on metabolism that slow the rate of weight loss.Exercising: Combining increased exercise with dieting greatly enhances weight loss because exercise increases the number of calories the body uses. For example, vigorous walking burns about 4 calories per minute, so that 1 hour of brisk walking per day burns about 240 calories. Running is even better, burning about 6 to 8 calories per minute.

Many people follow a specific diet to lose weight.High Protein-Low Carbohydrate Diets: Diets high in protein and low in simple carbohydrates have become popular as a way to lose weight. Most of these diets usually also restrict fat because each gram of fat supplies so many calories. However, some high protein-low carbohydrate diets, such as the Atkins diet, do not restrict fat.

The theory behind these diets is that slower-burning energy sources-protein and fat-provide a steady supply of energy and thus are less likely to lead to weight gain. In addition, people tend to feel full longer after eating protein than after eating carbohydrates because carbohydrates empty from the stomach quickly and are digested quickly. Carbohydrates also stimulate insulin production, which promotes fat deposition and increases appetite. However, the reason that these diets cause weight loss appears to be that people tire of the foods allowed by the diet and thus consume fewer calories.Experts disagree about whether avoiding foods with a high glycemic index helps with weight loss, particularly in low-carbohydrate diets, or not. The effect of the glycemic index is less important when only a small percentage of total calories is carbohydrates. In a low-carbohydrate diet, the difference between how fast the carbohydrates in various foods (with their different glycemic indexes) are digested is sometimes so small that it makes little difference to most dieters. Avoiding foods with a high glycemic index also sometimes eliminates foods with valuable vitamins and minerals. Experts also disagree on how important the glycemic load (the glycemic index plus the amount of carbohydrate in a food) is for weight loss.Some experts do not recommend following a high-protein diet for a long time. Some evidence suggests that over years, very high protein diets impair kidney function and may contribute to the decrease in kidney function that occurs in older people. People with certain kidney and liver disorders should not consume a high-protein diet. High-protein diets can speed the body’s processing of certain drugs and thus may affect how well the drug works
.
Very low carbohydrate diets (of less than 100 grams a day) can lead to the accumulation of keto acids (ketosis). When people do not consume enough energy for the body’s needs, the body breaks down fats. As part of this process, the body produces keto acids. In small amounts, keto acids are easily excreted by the kidneys without causing symptoms. However, in large amounts, they can cause nausea, fatigue, bad breath, and even more serious symptoms, such as dizziness (due to dehydration) and abnormal heart rhythms (due to electrolyte imbalances). People following a low-carbohydrate diet (or any other weight loss diet) should drink large amounts of water to help flush keto acids from the body.
Low-carbohydrate diets tend to cause large amounts of weight to be lost during the first week or so, as the body converts stored carbohydrates (glycogen) to energy. As glycogen is broken down, the body also excretes large amounts of water, adding to the weight loss. However, once the body begins to use stored fat for energy, weight loss slows. People following a low-carbohydrate diet may substitute fats for the carbohydrates they are avoiding. In such cases, the diet may be so high in fat that the total caloric intake exceeds what the body uses. In such cases, weight loss stops after glycogen is used up.
Low-Fat Diets: Fat supplies a large number of calories per gram and is more readily deposited as body fat than are proteins and carbohydrates. Reducing the amount of fat rather than the amount of protein or carbohydrate may be an easier way to reduce total caloric intake because a small reduction in fat saves so many calories. A reduction of only 10 grams of fat per day saves about 90 calories. However, the best reason for reducing the amount of fat in the diet is to lower cholesterol levels in the blood Lowering cholesterol levels benefits most dieters because weight increases their risk of atherosclerosis, which can lead to heart attacks or stroke. Because lowering cholesterol levels can help prevent or delay atherosclerosis, a low-fat diet tends to be the best weight loss diet for overall health. High-Fiber Diets: Fiber indirectly helps with weight loss in several ways: It provides bulk, which makes people feel full faster. It slows the rate at which the stomach empties so people feel full longer.
It requires more chewing, forcing people to eat more slowly and perhaps less.

And dont forget that high-fiber foods, such as fruits and vegetables, wheat bread, and beans, are filling without providing many calories. Eating more high-fiber foods may enable people to eat fewer less filling, high-calorie foods, such as high-fat foods. However, fiber supplements, such as guar gum and cellulose, are not effective for weight loss.

What Are the Causes of Diabetes?
Weight Loss, The best Product
The RabitVibrator- Best Way to Decrease Stress

Oh Slimfast, my old friend.  I’m on the second day of a Slimfast plan.  I forget that I actually used to like this!  I’m particularly a fan of the powder and not the cans.  The powder reminds me of when I was a kid and making chocolate milk.  And  it’s the most food preparation I’m willing to do – you know, me and the kitchen… not good.

So far the plan is working like this:

• Slimfast Shake around 7:30 am.  Yummy!
• At 8:30 am it’s coffee time.  And then again at 9:00.
• At 9:15 I break out the Slimfast candy bar.  A little early but that’s okay – there’s plenty more!
• At 10:15 I’m kinda hungry again so I have another cup of coffee. 
• That doesn’t do it for me so I have the other Slimfast bar at 11:00 am.  No biggie.
• At 11:45 it’s close enough to lunch so I go microwave my Healthy Choice Meat Clump & Watery Veggiemush.
• By 12 noon I’m done eating and totally pissed that I have no more food until dinner.
• Somewhere between 12:00 & 5:00 I have about 4 more cups of coffee and start snapping at people who offer me food.  “F#&% off, ya dumb ass – I’m trying to lose weight!”
• When I got home I had another Slimfast Shake and booted up to tell ya all about it! 

Day B:  Success!!

Now I’m going to bed so that I don’t eat again – hope I can sleep! 

(On categories: Kerouac asked if he still had to “Pity the Fool That Dates Me”.  Maybe he doesn’t like the implication that he’s a “fool”.  But after a day like this, the answer is clearly still Yes.)

Day 12 – Tuesday

I was ounces away from slipping into 13 stone plus on the scales this morning. 13 stone plus is familiar territory. I spent my 30s and the first few years of my 40s with a weight that began with a 13 or a 12. It’s not threatening, in fact viewed from what I’ve weighed recently it’s rather comforting. It’s kinda like home. A weight that starts 11 or 10 is exciting and rather thrilling, but I expect to enjoy my trip through the 13s and the 12s.

Truth be told, I am always, ALWAYS dieting. Even when I eat an entire serving dish of Stove Top Stuffing, I’m still “dieting.”

Today, being 12/1, and finding out yesterday that FET #1 was a total bust, I thought it would be a good test run for New Year’s Day and have started a hybrid diet of Atkins and Weight Watchers — two diets that rarely intersect. An Atkins Advantage bar is 4 pts. That’s a lot when you consider a Fiber One bar is only 2 — and they’re the same size.

I have ballooned since moving to LA. I went from a healthy 140 lbs. to 152 lbs. to my “oh-shit” weight of 160 lbs!!! There is probably no way to lose the poundage for New Year’s Eve, but maybe 8 lbs. in the next four weeks? That seems doable. Sorta. I mean, I’ve never done it before, but there’s a first time for everything.

Those people on the Biggest Loser lose that in a week. Granted, they’re huge to begin with and they have that fire-breathing monster, Jillian, to make them work out.

This morning, for the first time, I embraced the trend for skinny jeans. In the past I may have flirted a little with it, but today I jumped into it, immersed myself in it, and stepped out wearing a pair of skin-tight, semi-ripped dark blue jeans. With The Jeans, I wore a fierce-shouldered, sequinned t-shirt and huge shoes to make my legs look longer and skinnier.

Obviously, I'm a lot thinner than the heffalump modelling these skinny jeans.

I know most of you have been wearing this look for aeons but, for a pear-shaped new mum of a Housewife approaching 40, I felt this was quite brave. It took a little getting used to after a decade of the boot cut, but I quite liked my new silhouette.

‘What do you think?’ I asked DH.

‘Yeah. Nice,’ he nodded.

‘I’m trying to update my wardrobe a bit. You know, get it into the 21^st century,’ I told him. (I think he might like to know where his money goes, but it seems I’m wrong for he then did a couple of little hops on the bedroom floor while faking a silent football cheer – his way of saying he’s jumping for joy i.e. so disinterested it’s not even worth commenting on.) I went downstairs.

When I entered the kitchen, the new long, skinny legs passed through the door at least five seconds before the rest of me.

‘Wow, madam,’ said Gerlie. ‘Nice jeans.’ Women always notice these things.

Insecure, I asked her if they really looked okay.

‘They lift your bum up,’ she said. ‘And look nice on your hips. Your hips are so curvy. Very sexy.’ She wiggled her slim little Filipina hips. ‘I wish I had sexy hips.’

‘Isn’t it funny, Gerlie?’ I said. ‘I hate my hips – I’d love hips like yours.’

‘Oh no, madam, not funny. All the men, they like curvy, sexy hips like yours. Mine are just flat.’

I starve myself trying to get flat hips like Gerlie’s. I mean really, I am hungry every hour of the day. I go to bed hungry, all for slim hips.

And then I got thinking about two things: one, how different cultures see different things as beautiful. And two, how nice it is to have another woman in the house when it comes to talking fashion. Men, however much they’re in touch with their feminine side, just don’t get it.

Later, I told DH about the conversation.

He said: ‘That bit she said about lifting your bum up? What she really meant was “Madam, you have a saggy bum.”’

I rest my case.

And I can’t say enough about how much better it makes me feel. I only wish I weren’t so exhausted when I get home from work. I had a four-day weekend this past weekend, so it’s easy to find the time and energy when that’s the case, but today…man, I was really tired (and sore from all the exercising I did over the past few days). I gave myself a pass for today, but I can’t give myself tomorrow off.

The way I’m choosing to think about is that I can walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes. That’s it. You can do almost anything for thirty minutes. If after that time I feel inspired to go longer, so be it. But the thing is that as long as I’m on for a half hour, I can’t be hard on myself. I like it!

Ok, so I was doing really well sticking to my diet and working out almost daily.  My goal was to lose 15 lbs and now I’m only 7lbs away from my goal but I’ve kind of hit a wall!  I need someone else to help motivate me and friendly competition is the best motivation for me!  I’ve been trying to get my mom on the bandwagon but she doesn’t seem to be ready to lose weight.  She always complains about how fat she is but when I tell her to stop eating McDonald’s she gets all defensive about it.  I understand that she can’t eat a lot of “diet” foods and drinks because the fake sweeteners like Splenda trigger her migraines, but she doesn’t need to eat so much greasy fast food, Starbucks coffee, and salty snacks.  She bought an elliptical which I have never seen her use!  I get some good use out of it so at least it wasn’t a total waste of money.  I have pretty good self discipline but I wish I didn’t have to test it so much – it would be so much easier without all of the chocolate and other junk food tempting me.  So…

Since she won’t work towards getting healthy with me, I would like to ask any of you in the blogosphere to join me in a weight loss support group kind of thing.  We can email each other recipes and words of encouragement to help keep each other on track.  I know there are already a lot of websites and groups I can join but I don’t want to have to pay money to join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything.  So if anyone is interested, message me!

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving! We’ll see Wednesday how well my calorie deficit fared. It’s pretty hard not to get on the scale every day, but the comments I’ve been getting from my boyfriend and friends have been very encouraging. My boyfriend remarked several times that hugs from me feel bony– just because there’s less fat over the top of my ribs. LOL

When he grabs me for a hug, he said I feel different. Good stuff!

I did have a day of no dieting– no counting calories. I just needed a day like that. I have been being exceptionally strong, resisting numerous temptations and resorting to sleep when I feel like nothing satisfies. However, I am back to the daily grind today. Back to the zone diet, back to the vitamins, back to the medicine I’m supposed to be taking every day, back to blogging, back to counting calories.

I managed to get in several walks over the long weekend (hello black friday shopping!), so that was good, too. I got behind on my homework, so I will spend this evening getting all caught up. I want to get in a walk tomorrow– maybe around the local Car Max used lot in hopes of trading my truck in on something a little less costly to own.

 Day 7 in our “Santa’s 12 Tips for an Ideal Christmas” series is entitled, “Eat Forbidden Foods”. This art piece features Santa Claus gobbling up a plate full of Christmas cookies. Santa’s tip- Take a vacation from dieting during this holiday season. 

“Experts” admonish us to avoid fatty foods and to exercise several times a week. To our credit, we do our best to follow their well intentioned advice. But dieting all the time gets boring. If you find yourself craving a chocolate cringle, go ahead, indulge the urge. Soon enough you will be back in a dieting mode again. Santa’s tips in this series are about “ideally living”. Spend some time this season to define what “ideally living” means to you. Usually it’s about achieving balance in your life. In this instance it’s about finding the balance between over-indulgence and absolute denial. Happy eating… (to see more of Santa’s tips go to http://tinyurl.com/ydjde88.  

What are the qualities of a best fat loss diet? First, it must not be the cause for someone to go into starvation. Second, it must be a personalized diet meal. And third, it must tell the client upfront how long its effect will last.

Certainly, everyone has already encountered the basics of Fad Diets where people are instructed to reduce their high calorie intake and strictly eat foods no more than what could fill a regular cup. But if this claim will be taken into a more logical perspective, starving for the sake of losing weight isn’t reasonable at all. Probably, an improved version of these diets can be summed up in one word: moderation.

There’s no other way to reduce weight but to be in total control of one’s food intake. Unfortunately, with fad diets, it seems that the food consumption becomes overdone that the dieting process gradually becomes dreadful and simply unbearable.

The good news is that personalized diet meals are already widely accessible online. This works by providing individuals with lists of healthy foods where anyone is given the opportunity to create a meal plan based on an individual’s weight, metabolism, and food preference. In this kind of diet plan, calorie counting is not given much prominence simply because the components of the foods found in the meal plan can either complement or counter other micronutrients. By careful choice of a combination of meal for the day, anyone can be assured of a balanced, healthy and best fat loss diet.

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On the 17th of this month, I had been on the Weight Watchers program for one year. During that time, I lost 45 pounds. To some, that may seem like a small amount over the course of a year, but to me it was perfect. I often reflect on that Rolling Stones song that says, “You can’t always get what you want…you get what you need.” I think that during the last year, I got a lot of what I needed, despite the fact that I wasn’t ready for it.

I started the program thinking I needed to lose around 100 pounds, and I was aiming to do it in one year. What I found out was that I needed to do a lot more than lose 100 pounds. It wasn’t just the weight, it was the way I was living my life. I was at a crossroads and about to turn 25. I was in a terrible relationship, and I didn’t realize that it was sucking the life out of me. One year ago I was a depressed, sick person. I just plainly “wasn’t me.” I wasn’t realizing my potential, and I didn’t care about myself.

As the weight started to come off, I got scared. I was happy to see the scale changing, but I wasn’t on board with the emotional changes. I felt vulnerable, and I wasn’t quite ready to take the plunge into being a “normal person.” Around spring I was getting a little better, and I was leaving my house and visiting friends again. I felt like things were starting to change for the better, but I still had that last bridge to cross – my ex-boyfriend/kinda boyfriend/who knows what the hell he was to me. That was the hardest part. That day when he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, after 8 years of us being inseparable, was the hardest day of my life to date. Oh who am I kidding, it was my hardest MONTH to date! But after that month of “I can’t leave the house. I don’t get dressed. I can’t eat.” I started to see things as they were, and I realized that this wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen – it was the BEST thing to ever happen. I got what I needed. I was FREE for the first time since I was 16. I realized a lot about myself over the summer, and those realizations re-started my slumped weight loss. I had gained back about 15-20 of those pounds prior to the breakup, and I was ready to lose them again.

After I was cut loose from that guy, his words kept swirling around in my head, “You aren’t a real runner. You can’t be a real runner. You just aren’t one, because I know people who are and you’re nothing like them.”

I had been wading around in the kiddie pool of running all summer long. I kept telling people, “What if I train to run a 5k?” They would laugh at me because “everyone knows fat people aren’t runners.” I realize now, something really, really interesting about all of that: I wanted someone to give me permission to be a runner. I didn’t just do this about running, I did it about everything. I tried to please everyone – to be anything and everything for everyone. I never once asked myself, “What on earth do I want to do?” I never let myself believe that I was capable of anything. I thought that was selfish.

Somehow, though I’m still fuzzy on how I ever managed to do it with that mindset, I completed the Couch to 5k plan. I went from not being able to run for one minute in August to being able to run for 35 with ease in November. Running for those months taught me a lot about myself. I am capable of anything. I can do just one more minute, just one more mile. I can and will keep running. I can and will finish a mini marathon. I can and will finish a marathon. I will be the best version of myself, because I am capable.

These days, I am nearing that number…the 200 pound mark. I haven’t legitimately been below 200 pounds since I was a freshman in college. In 9.2 pounds, I will weigh 199. Even saying it is weird. I am still struggling with that thought every day. I continue to marvel at how something SO AWESOME feels so scary. When I am honest with myself, I realize that a tiny little voice inside my doesn’t want me to get there. That part of me scares the hell out of me. Part of me still doesn’t believe that I can do it. I want to quiet that voice, and the best way I have found to do it is to run. Not running from something, but running to it, through it – pounding out those thoughts with each step.

I used to laugh at people who called their weight loss a “journey.” Over the last year, I have learned that “journey” is the only word that can describe this. Losing weight is so much bigger than losing pounds. For me, it’s changing myself inside and out. It’s the constant tug of war that my mind and body play. Lose 5 pounds, re-frame my self-image. Lose 10 pounds, start to deal with guys talking to me. Lose 30 pounds, start feeling like I’m really living. It’s scary, but it’s rewarding in a way that I never thought possible. This is the first time I’ve felt alive in years. Every day I feel like I’m waking up a little more.

On the 17th of November, I got a text from that guy asking me if I remembered sitting in my driveway of my mom’s house back in Indiana 9 years earlier on that same day. It was the day we started dating – our anniversary. I laughed for a minute to myself, because that date had already been replaced in my mind with a different anniversary, one that is all about me, only about me, and completely for me. November 17th isn’t about someone holding me down anymore. It’s not about a high school boyfriend who turned into a bad relationship and a wasted college experience. It’s about how I took my life back. That is the anniversary of my weight loss.

One year ago on the 17th, I sat down to write this: The Beginning If i had known then what I was in for, I never would have been able to do this. I have found that the most rewarding things in life are the ones you don’t know how the hell you got through. I am happier now than I have been since I was a kid, and I can’t wait to see what I do this year. What will I be doing on November 17th of next year? What will I look like? What will I be capable of then? I can’t wait to find out.

I attribute my fatness to three things:

(1) Getting out of the Army.  Back in 2005 I was training in Ft. Gordon, Georgia where I was working out ALL THE TIME.  I was a fun 185 pounds with a great build and ate whatever I wanted.  I was also running about 25 miles a week.

(2) Getting divorced.  In 2005 my wife and I also seperated.  Depression sets in.  Laziness sets in.  Get divorced + stop running 25 miles a week = ???

(3) Writing!  I started writing from home.  Was home all day.  Worked out sometimes but mostly stayed home.  Staying home + eating at home all day + Getting divorced + stop running 25 miles a week = BLAH!!!!!

A few weeks back I was in Vancouver interviewing a bunch of movie stars on the set of a film.  I noticed that (A) they had some BRIGHT SHINY TEETH and (B) they were skinny as all hell.  It depressed me being the big, fat guy – so I started laying out a routine. 

I need to lose weight and fast.  But as any health professional will tell you, “You didn’t put it all on in a day, don’t expect to take it off that fast.”

FINE.  I won’t expect to take it off in a day.  But if I’m going to take the time out to get skinny I am going to set a goal weight and attain it.  If I attain that goal weight early?  Then I need to MAINTAIN it.

Welcome to my blog.  My name is Ryan McLelland and I am a fatty fuck. 

My friends will tell you that I’m just “a bit overweight.”  Maybe they actually believe that.  That’s because I actually wear my weight sort of well.  Though right now I see this big beer keg I call a belly and want to puke.

Diet, exercise, tons of water.  That’s what any professional will tell you.  Add in “establishing a caloric debt” for those who want to get fancy.

There’s tons of aides out there.  Slim Fast.  Weight Watchers.  Nutrisystem.

There’s healthy habits like portion control and treating your body right.

So I’m thinking that for a year I may go veganesque.  What the hell is veganesque?  I think I’m going to cut out meat and chicken.  I may continue with eggs and seafood on a nice moderate scale.

Since my honeymoon this year (what?  for those who don’t know me you expected me to still be divorced!?!??! Shame on you!  I”M A CATCH!  Least that’s what my wife Lauren tells me) I’ve cut done ALOT on the drinking.  I want to cut out alcohol for a full year as well.

No meats.  No alcohol.

365 days to get down to 165 pounds.

Starting January 1st.

Do I think I can do it?  Without this blog – absolutely not.  I am the KING of starting something only for, a month later, I’ll be eating a double cheeseburger with a side of a Miller Lite 6-pack.

I”m thinking writing will be my guide.  If I have to write about it everyday perhaps I’ll be able to stick with it.

Why 165?  Well even at my healthiest I still had a tiny bit of flab.  I think I once got down to 173 – though my goal was 165.  I never reached that goal.  And if I’m going to do this I will STRIVE to meet the goal.

So it is November 30th.  Tomorrow starts “Pre-Season”.  I’ll be ‘warming up to my diet’ and thinking about the things I have to do for DAY ZERO: JANUARY 1st.  It’ll be here too soon enough.

Like Kristine and Ashley, I too have been MIA the past few weeks, but because I’m lazy. And when I find I’m lazy posting on the blog, I’m also pretty lazy when it comes to working out and the foods I eat.

I started off the week of Thanksgiving strong – a workout with my trainer. And then nothing. As I write this, I still haven’t worked out. In fact, yesterday, I was in bed until 3 p.m. I actually texted my husband from the bed (he was in the living room) asking him to bring me food. I don’t think you fail any worse than that. And I’m not kidding. I’m looking at my phone right now and we had a 50-minute conversation via text. He was bumming on the couch, I had the door closed to the bedroom, lying in bed. Sad.

With grand intentions to work out, I brought weights, therabands, workout videos, jump rope for exercising out in the country, where the closest Wal-Mart is 15-20 minutes away. And the nearest 24 Fitness an hour away in Mesquite (a suburb of Dallas). And the only time I picked all that crap up was to put it in the house and then back in the car a week later.

But I did eat. And eat.  In fact, Let me give you a 48-hour period as an example:

• Wednesday night: Sat on my butt for two hours and watch The Blind Side with a diet coke (win) and a medium popcorn (fail). That’s despite the fact that Kim (@energeticspace) told me five days before that a medium popcorn is the equivalent of a cheeseburger. Then we went to Applebees where I had a margarita chicken – essentially a chicken breast (win) with melted cheese (fail) on top with a side of steamed veggies (win) and mashed potatoes (fail). Then I went home and had a piece of cake (uh, fail).
• Thursday: Nothing for breakfast in anticipation of Thanksgiving meal (win? Probably shouldn’t skip breakfast ever, but I needed to conserve calories). Lunch consisted of ham and two different types of potato casserole to sample (double fail), carrots (win) and stuffing (fail). Then after going back for seconds (double fail) I went over to the dessert table and grabbed a brownie and a small piece of cake (double fail again). THEN Justin’s mom had a barbeque spread set up for dinner (FAIL) and I ate some more cake (fail).
• Friday: Justin’s mom had a huge brunch spread set up for the family which consisted of bacon (fail), hashbrowns (fail), pigs in a blanket (fail), pumpkin pancakes (fail) and an egg/sausage/hashbrown/cheese casserole (quadruple fail). Then we headed over to my parents’ house in Sunnyvale (another suburb of Dallas) for Thanksgiving Leftover Lunch. Luckily, my parents’ are a  pretty healthy crew and I ate pork loin, mashed potatoes used with fresh vegetables from the garden (win!), green beans (no casserole!), salad and pumpkin pie (with none of the whipped cream my sister made from scratch… win?). Then we went back to the farm and had leftover barbeque with more cake. (Fail… duh)

I haven’t stepped on the scale for fear of the number; Justin did on Sunday evening and only gained 1.2 pounds. But I feel like boys have it easier. Ugh. I probably gained 7. SUCK. So this morning, I ate my pineapple and string cheese for breakfast, have salad ready for lunch and then it’s back to the workout grind.

BTW, for background, Justin’s family does a really neat set-up (or ultimate fail setup) for Thanksgiving each year. Justin’s great-grandmother (Nanny) had seven adorable children and obviously the family has grown ten-fold since then. And for the last several decades they have rented out the church gym where Nanny would load up the kids in the wagon (yeah…) and take them for Sunday services. Normally close to 70 people show up (due to illness and scheduling conflict, only a little more than 50 made it this year), but it is so awesome to see several sets of FOUR generations sitting down for Thanksgiving.

It also means there are four different types of potato casseroles, stuffings, turkey and desserts to choose from. Here are some pics of the spread:

Seriously. We're in a church gym. Note the basketball goal and the cross in the corner.

A long table filled with tea and fails.

I feel fatter just looking at this dessert spread.

Hi Fatroll followers!  I apologize for being MIA for basically the entire month of November.  I promise to be more on top of reporting to you all of my Wins and Fails for December…and I’m sure there will be many.

The past week and a half has been a whirlwind for me.  Last weekend I went to NYC for the first time, got back for three days and then left to spend the extended holiday weekend with my family.  Between the amazing food in NYC and all that Thanksgiving entails, there are so many fails I can only list them for you.

NYC Fails:  Beer, wine, pizza, bagels, turkey sandwich the size of my head, cheesecake, calamari and gnocchi in Little Italy, pumpkin rice pudding…and the grand prize for fat fails…the sundae I had at Serendipity (see pic below).  This was my first meal in NYC and it was worth e-v-e-r-y single fatroll calorie.  Not even an ounce of regret for this one.  I’m actually salivating just looking at the picture…

Thanksgiving Fails:  Chips and avocado sauce (better than hot sauce), gorilla bread, reese’s candy (not the PB cups…my Stepmom makes this), turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green bean casserole, cornbread casserole, cheesy squash (we manage to make squash taste like cheese and not squash), rolls, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, cherry parfait, pumpkin muffin, pancakes, breadsticks, and last but not least…wine!

Every event planned while I was home for Thanksgiving centered around food.  Aside from Thanksgiving Day, we ate out every meal.  My family hearts food!

On top of all these delicious fails, I didn’t work out from the day I left for NYC until this past Saturday when I returned to Austin.  I haven’t gone a week and a half without exercise since we started blogging back in June!  It was rough when I made it back onto a treadmill on Sunday.  It’s amazing how much it hurts to run after only a week and a half long hiatus!  Of course, all of the food I consumed could be what slowed me down…

It’s tough going back to WW points after stretching out my stomach with the above goodness.  This is definitely the hardest part coming off of a trip or holiday…retraining your body to return to normalcy.

So I’m back on the wagon and putting my wonderfully delicious November behind me.  While I expect a 5 lb gain on the scale this week, I’m already making the moves to hopefully counteract all of the good times and fails for next week!

BEST DESSERT EVER!!!

Mmmmm wine!

Pumpkin rice pudding!  This place was in the movie Hitch.

Ashley, me, and Amanda having brunch.  Notice the food.  Delish!

I was sitting across from my husband at a typical chain restaurant. We were enjoying a quiet dinner and some time to catch up with each other. As he went on about what I’m sure was an interesting subject, I was inwardly crowing. My husband was enjoying an oversized chunk of cheesecake and I was not. While on the outside I appeared to be a leisurely diner, on the inside I was prancing around like a gymnast on a balance beam. “Look at me, how fabulous is this? I am not eating dessert. What an amazing feat!” It is the rare occasion that I pass on dessert. The server placed my husband’s raspberry, mango swirled cheesecake in the middle of the table with forks gingerly placed on each side of the plate. I smiled to myself. Just wait until the server comes back to find my fork untouched. He will be so impressed to find it still angled on the edge of the plate, shiny and sparkling. My resolve was strong. I was already gloating over my victory.

“You cannot kid around like that with your crew and then expect them to be respectful.” I nodded my head in agreement as the husband ranted about his boss. The cheesecake fell to its side as the husband speared it with his fork, revealing a thick, smooth graham cracker crust on the bottom.

“Wow, you need to have a taste of that,” I said silenty to myself. Without a second’s hesitation, I was picking up that shiny, sparkeling fork. “And then you need to have a bite without any crust – just a hunk of pure cheesecake,” this with the first bite barely in my mouth. “Wait a minute! What are you doing?!” How quickly habit and desire intermingle to crumble the greatest of resolve. Picking up the fork felt as involuntary as taking my next breath. This is why I never rely on willpower. My willpower’s lifespan is anywhere from two minutes to two hours. After that it is tackled like a quarterback with nowhere to throw. Instead of thinking about what I should do I cannot help but focus on what I want to do. Where my willpower is weak, my wantpower speeds through situations like a Class 8 Mack Truck.

Previous attempts to lose weight reveal a common pattern. There is “the beginning” and I am convinced that this approach will work. I am willing to count points or call a sponsor or eat pre-packaged food. I lose weight and feel like I could conquer the world. How is it that I didn’t do this sooner? Eventually weight loss slows (as healthy weight loss should) and enthusiasm wanes. Time allows me to wonder if I really can stick to this since I have failed all my attempts in the past. Fear creeps in and convinces me that this is too hard. Suddenly, that which seemed easy now feels impossible. The program that was practically effortless just two weeks ago hasn’t changed a bit, but my attitude has tanked. I used to think I was out of control of this pattern. If only I could hold on to that initial enthusiasm…

My life changing epiphany came one night while I lay in bed puzzling over this very conundrum. If I felt enthusiasm in the beginning, how did it turn into despair when in fact, nothing had changed? But something did change, and it was me. It was what I was telling myself, those thoughts that danced around in my head. In “the beginning” I convinced myself that this new approach would work and that I could do it, but old habits of negative thinking crawled into my brain like tiny ants and chewed away at the optimism. My feelings became a result of what I told myself. Now, if I could listen to what I told myself, and use logic to refute the negative thoughts, then I could drive my emotions. And by reviving positive emotions, then I was controlling my wantpower.

Such is my quest, to explore my emotional eating and determine how to talk sense to myself.  When my inner child is screaming for a sweet treat, I need to hear what I am saying. “I deserve this. I need to eat this to feel better!” needs to be met with good practical logic. “You do not need to eat it. You want to eat it. But to feel better perhaps a shower or a power nap would be a more constructive approach.” I need to parent my inner child. I find that talking sense to myself and exploring my options are the best way to focus my wantpower. This is something that I have to practice, day by day, minute by minute.

So yesterday was my “on” day; I ate well yet had a slice of cheesecake for dessert at a friend’s birthday dinner. I didn’t feel like finishing it there, so I took half of my dinner home. Later on in the evening, I finished the cheesecake.

I realized then and there that intuitive eating and QOD just might be my way to live!

Let me take you back a few years.

I was doing fine with my weight, having kept it off for approximately 3 or 4 years. This is huge! I would eat ben and jerries whenever I wanted, but it was always intuitive eating. Then something happened….I found the love of my life, and we started eating all our meals together. BAM! Intuitive eating went right out the window. No more “am I hungry”? It was “My lover’s eating, so I must eat, too!”

I gained about 15 or 20 pounds, which, when I was a solid 185 and looking good though overweight, tips the scales towards obesity and just not feeling good.

Enter the diet era.

Since then I’ve just been struggling to get it off and keep it off. Balancing living with someone who keeps those trigger foods in the house can be difficult.

I did really delve into intuitive eating for a while….which was good for me, it really was. I learned how to savor tiny bites and separate true hunger from mouth hunger from emotional hunger from just “my body wants water.” However in that exploration I gained another 10 pounds and just couldn’t get it off with intuitive eating. My struggle with binging and overeating was still difficult.

I eventually resorted to Medifast. When I had joined Medifast I was up to 220, 35 pounds higher than I felt really comfortable at. I lost 25 pounds in 2-1/2 months. I felt good most days, but some days (sometimes every other day or every third day, i felt REALLY HUNGRY). Usually those were the days that I lost. However, after feeling great at 195, I gained back 30 pounds in about 4 months (ugh) and was back up to 225.

Don’t get me wrong….it wasn’t the low calorie Medifast diet that made me gain the weight back. I actually was relatively stable after Medifast after a few weeks (bodies are amazing!!). However, I didn’t keep my binging in check and the extremely restrictive medifast diet just really made me fear hunger and all I wanted to do was delve into binging. I just don’t know where my mind was….it was very weird. I just wanted to feel full all of the time.

It’s hard gaining weight like that….it’s like the entire world can see your secret shame. It’s so embarrassing.

Then I recently ran into Jon Gabriel’s book “The Gabriel Method.” The way he discusses food and eating really helps to explain my relationship with binge eating disorder. I’m a lover of science, and his book makes total sense. I throw out what he says about eating raw (some foods are good raw, some foods, like kale, are better cooked), but he has a lot of information about meditation and such that I’ll go into in later posts.

So here I am. I ran into eating QOD and thought how restrictive! But so far I’ve only had one day “on”, and even that wasn’t “on”. But somehow I’ve felt even more in control of my eating on my off days.

It’s not long enough to see if this method will help me with intuitive eating and losing weight at the same time, and help me to overcome my fear of hunger. But I’m keeping a close eye on it just to see what happens.

Oh, btw: yesterday was an “off” day and I’m down in weight again! Here’s my update: