difficulties-fitting-in « WordPress.com Tag Feed

When nobody cares.

Dr, Soles — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 01:38:13 +0000

Before I discuss this blog I want to address the reason I don’t always approve comments. I’ve had a lot of spam and obscene comments lately so I am more watchful of what I approve. I’ve also had people try to post comments asking me to join a particular religion or use some "special" vitamin to "cure" my Aspergers. I’m not a religious person and really don’t like to have people post "trust Jesus" messages. At one time I was into religion but my crisis really changed my perspective on my religious beliefs to the point that I don’t believe in God anymore. After going through a life of praying for God’s help and never receiving any help I conclude that either God Doesn’t exist or simply doesn’t like me so why should I believe in him? For these "special" vitamins I have to say that I am always a skeptic and even am skeptical of something if it is approved by the Food And Drug Administration. Chances are there will never be a cure or treatment for Aspergers and even if there was some pill it could be like the many anti-depressants I have tried for depression that have had all kinds of side effects including gaining 50 lbs of weight, having dizziness attacks, and other symptoms less serious. I’m through trying drugs especially ones that just came out that nobody knows the long term effects of it’s use. One of the anti-depressants I was prescribed turned out to cause diabetes to people who use it on a long term basis. The pharmaceutical company withheld this information from the FDA in order to get their drug approved. They also didn't want to be forced to advise people of the potential of developing diabetes so they withheld this information for marketing reasons too.

I try my best not to wallow in my own self pity but sometimes it is hard not to. I’ve struggled my entire life to fit in with the mainstream society who doesn’t have Aspergers and it is very difficult. Since Aspergers doesn’t always have obvious symptoms most people misunderstand me. Since Aspergers is something very few people have heard of it would be hard to tell people why I may be socially awkward even if I wanted to reveal that I have Aspergers. I’ve tried not to be so socially awkward but unlike some people with Aspergers I haven’t had any luck. Some people realize that I’m different and are more than happy to tell me what they think of me by calling me obscene names, harassing me, threatening me, and even attempting to hurt me. Dealing with this rejection can be very difficult and being lonely is one of the worst forms of punishment I can think of. It gets very depressing for me this time of the year because this is the time of the year it gets warm outside and like everyone else I have cabin fever from spending most of my winter indoors avoiding the cold and want to get outside and spend time with others. The only problem is I am socially awkward and have a very hard time making friends because I am so socially awkward.

Things have been very tough for me the past few months. I think I already mentioned that I don't have any friends at work and spend my time alone during breaks. This has been tough for me and I’m considering leaving my current employer because I have no friends. In addition I am being harassed by a woman who doesn't like me because I'm different and has been very vocal in letting me know what she thinks of me. She has called me all kinds of obscene names but the problem is this probably won’t be considered sexual harassment if I report her to Human Resources. At the most it could be harassment based on a perceived disability (she sees me as mentally challenged) and this form of harassment isn't considered as serious as sexual harassment. I also don't have any friends so even if someone witnesses her harassing me I have nobody who is willing to help me or be my witness. To most people I'm considered a second class citizen and even to some I am a worthless piece of garbage to them. I now retreat to my pickup during breaks rather than going to the break room where she usually finds me. The thing is even if I leave my current employer most likely I will end up in another place with no friends and even be harassed by another co-worker. Another reason I am considering leaving is because my current employer is tightening their belt and we are being forced to take days off without pay resulting in a significant loss in pay. Watching the higher ups fail to address their own budget I believe these forced unpaid days off will be a yearly thing and don’t like the idea they won’t be taking a single day off but we will be losing pay. After all they are the reason we are in the financial situation we currently are in and I have no faith in their ability to resolve their inability to budget their money.

I've faced more rejection than I normally do as I attempt to make friends including rejections from women. The truth is not only do I have Aspergers that makes me socially awkward, I'm also a short guy and very few women are looking for a shorter guy who is only 5'2". I'm also considered ugly looking by women. It really makes me sad to realize I simply cannot get a date and if I want to spend any time with a woman I would have to pay a woman to just go on a date with me. There simply are no women who care about me! It is always depressing for me to go out and watch a movie or dine out and see all kinds of guys on dates or guys taking their wife and family out to dinner or to watch a movie. This past weekend I was in Salt Lake City for one night and went to a local restaurant and it happened to be not only busy but also prom night. This brought back unpleasant memories of my times in high school wanting to go to the prom but not being able to find a date. I's amazing how even though you have had a lot of changes in your life there are some things that remain constant. I try to forget about my high school years as well as the other times I’ve faced rejection but it is hard to not have these memories return.

When I'm down I have nobody to talk to since I have no friends and most importantly someone who I can trust to talk to about my personal problems. Everyone needs social support but when you have no friends you don’t get the emotional support you need. For most people there is someone who cares about them but for me nobody cares about me.

Spring/Summer use to be favorite seasons.

Dr, Soles — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 05:43:58 +0000

   I use to look forward to spring and summer as the snow melts and flowers start to bloom, it gets warmer outside, and women start wearing less. Seeing women wearing shorts, and of course sandals since I have a foot fetish (I realize most women find a guy with a foot fetish creepy). Since I am now past the dating age and realize Aspergers wrecked any chances of me finding a women this time of the year is almost as depressing as Valentines day!
   Since I am different, I’m not considered dating material or what one woman called me “an ineligible bachelor”. My problems with Aspergers, being short, and having a foot fetish that sometimes can’t be hidden such as a woman seeing me look down at her feet. In addition, my poor social skills that are part of my Aspergers Curse also have destroyed any chances I had. I just don’t fit in with society and women probably think I’m a freak. Since I’ve never really had friends, I also missed out on social skills that are learned as you advance your way to through school with friends. I’d have to fix all these problems in order to be eligible to date and I’ve struggled with what has now been identified as Aspergers for my entire life and also stopped growing around Junior high school, I’ve tried to gain social skills but I needed friends to help me learn but because of my poor social skills I couldn’t make any friends.
   It has gotten to the point that if I see a beautiful woman I get depressed realizing there are no women who would be interested in me. Even if a woman saw through my many faults, others will ridicule her for hanging out with someone they consider a freak. It is also depressing seeing couples hugging and kissing and wishing there was a woman who loved me and would give me a hug and kiss. I also realize what I have missed out on my entire life. Almost every guy has been with a woman as early as Junior High School! It would be nice to enjoy the company of a woman when going out or having a romantic encounter such as enjoying the warm weather, applying sunscreen to her body, a candlelight dinner, or perhaps if a woman doesn’t find it creepy, setting the mood with candles and giving a woman a massage specializing on her feet, giving her a foot bath with salts, perfume, and ingredients that make her soles nice and soft, giving her the massage including her feet and applying lotion or oil that is peppermint or other scent that also creates a pleasant session to her skin. Perhaps we could cuddle and enjoy each others company and stay with me for the rest of the night. Unfortunately, I often dream of an encounter with a woman and I realize after waking up that it was only a dream and can’t fall back asleep as I think of how nice it would be to have a female companion. I realize how much I’ve missed out and how lonely I really am. Even someone like me who is quiet and lacks social skills and is awkward around people needs some kind of compassion from the opposite gender. Nothing gives you a high as much as a woman you love who also loves you.
   Of course even if prostitution was legal and I paid a women for sex, it wouldn’t be the same thing as actually being loved by a women. She has been with all kinds of men so it isn’t like I’m someone special to her. As the saying goes “Money can’t buy happiness” and paying for the services of a prostitute is a good example. I can buy sex from her but she isn’t in love with me. She is doing it for the money, not because she loves me. In fact she could hate me as much as some other women do but since I’m a paying customer, she will try to please me even though she doesn’t like me. I do offer to pay women for allowing me to massage, pamper or take photos of her feet but I would prefer a woman who isn’t in it for the money since she truly doesn’t love me, it’s just a business deal. I don’t mind paying a woman money that she could use because she is a college student and is trying to afford books and tuition but paying her money that will go to a drug habit is something I hope never ends up being where my money is used. Unfortunately, money tends to corrupt people and most of the women who I’ve offered money to have tried to use me wanted even more money or a set amount of sessions. I’ve even had a women ask if she can borrow money and in the event she is unable to pay the debt can be settled through sessions with her. I only intend to offer her a chance once in a while to show off her feet or allow me to give her a foot rub for money, not as collateral for a loan or to have a steady income from prearranged sessions. I’d prefer a woman who loved me and enjoyed receiving a foot massage, pampering, or allowing me to take pictures of her feet because she loves me as nothing can give you such a great feeling as being with a women who loves you and looks forward to a massage from me as a token of how much I a love her.
   A lot of guys with Aspergers are not like me and have at least some conversation and social skills and can have dates or even get married. Unfortunately a lot of times their relationship doesn’t work out due to limited social skills and other Aspergers related traits. So even if I truly loved a women and she loved me, it’s possible a relationship could fail because I can’t fulfill her emotional needs as someone to talk to. I’ve had some dates but they have usually ended up as only 1 date since the woman considered me boring or too quiet.
   Because I rarely talk and will sometimes just look over at a women but feel too socially awkward to say anything to her, most women see me as stuck up. Even if I try to carry out conversations with a woman, she figures that this is because I am attracted to her and the reason I don’t talk to her friends or other women is that I have no interests in them. The truth is, I may be attracted to a woman but may feel too socially awkward to talk to her friends because I fear they don’t like me and have a hard enough time being rejected. A woman I recently had interests in had a lot of friends who were also attractive and I wouldn’t mind dating them but I was afraid to talk to them. One reason is because this girl would make me feel welcome talking to her by waving and saying ‘hi’ to me but her friends never said anything to me. I liked this women and was attracted to her but this wasn’t the only reason I was talking to her, I also felt comfortable because she indicated she at least had some interests in talking to me but as I found out she was probably only interested in a casual ‘hi’ in the halls not me talking to her at her desk or other times I see her. Her friends were nice people and some I considered attractive but I felt awkward talking to them but would have enjoyed talking to them, especially if I was invited to their table during lunch. Being socially awkward has wrecked my life and it’s hard for me to think that women actually hated me and consider me someone who was stuck up because I didn’t talk to them which they (like anybody else would) take as a message that I don’t want anything to do with them.
   This makes me feel even worse since I don’t want to hurt anyone emotionally especially when I know firsthand what it is like for people to not talk to you. In the situation with this girl, both her and her friends were looking at how I wouldn’t talk to them but would talk to her and they could easily take this as me giving a message that they are not good enough for me to talk to when I liked her friends and would want to be friendly to them especially since I am talking with one of their friends whom I had an interest in dating. One day she and her friends looked over and saw me walking down the hall and they walked away. It hurt me and I asked a personal friend who works in the same area why I’m hated so much by some women and he told me about how I only will look at women and never say anything. I have struggled with this my entire life and feel bad that women feel this way about me. There were a lot of women who I would love to talk to but I felt socially awkward or feared rejection because it really hurts when you are rejected by almost everyone you talk to. I didn’t want this girls friends or other women in the area to feel that I hated them when I truly liked them and wouldn’t mind going on a date with them. It really makes me feel bad that these women felt that I was stuck up and that they figured that you must be a woman I find sexy in order for me to talk to you. The truth is, I feel socially awkward in a lot of social situations. In fact, the women I liked and wanted to date back in high school probably had no idea that I was interested in her since the 7th grade and was afraid of rejection (I had plenty of other women reject me-some more severe than the typical rejection such as telling me how much they hate me when they see me down the hall after I was rejected). It was hard enough being rejected by these women and harder to have them continue to tell me how much they hate me whenever they saw me walking down the hall. I just wish I was normal and never had troubles social interaction that seems to manifest with women more then men because I am attracted to women and sometimes find a woman who I wouldn’t mind taking to movie. Of course it would be easier to ask a male friend but I feel more awkward when talking to women. Even with guys I rarely talk which also makes then feel that I am not interested in being friends with them. So it is no wonder that people hate me so much, I’m making them or their friends feel hurt and they would like to hurt me by treating me like crap when I try to carry on a conversation with them. I’ve struggled with this problem my entire life and have been unsuccessful in fixing the problem. It makes me depressed and wishing there was a cure for Aspergers because I don’t want to be someone that everybody hates, I want to be socially accepted like everyone else wants to be. Everybody wants social acceptance and in a way I can only blame myself for being rejected by my peers both male and female. With my social awkwardness, it makes me look like some kind of person who feel nearly everyone isn’t good enough to talk to me and people I am able to talk to reject me because they see me treating others as if they weren’t good enough for me to talk to. I just wish I were normal and didn’t have troubles socializing with people.
   During Valentines day and during the spring and summer season I am reminded how hated I really am and that I simply wouldn’t be hated so much if I could somehow find a way to not have problems socializing but continue to fail in solving this problem. It’s hell and I never wanted people to feel that I am stuck up and for women to feel I’m only interested to talk to women who I feel are attractive when there were a lot of women who were attractive that I just felt socially awkward and had difficulty talking to them and a lot of them were above average looking women but I don’t want women to think just because I’m not talking to them that I don’t like them, I still wanted to be friends with them and I didn’t want them to feel like I am stuck up and dislike them when I didn’t hate them, I just feel socially awkward and find it hard a lot of times to talk to others. It really hurts to know that my behavior has made others feel that they aren’t important. I can understand this since I have been treated by people who see me as an outcast and I never intended to make them feel this way about me when I am trying to be a nice person who is liked by almost everyone (you can’t have everyone like you but I do want to be someone who is respected by nearly everyone) and it hurts to realize I shot myself in the foot without even realizing it at first and only finding out because a friend pointed this out. My intentions are to make everyone feel accepted by me and it hurts me to realize that people have felt the total opposite from how I’ve acted to them. I constantly feel self conscious around people and want to be accepted and unfortunately unless I can fix a problem that seems to be an integral part of Aspergers, I won’t be accepted and well liked as I have tried to become for my entire life. If you want to be liked and accepted you need others to feel accepted by you but my social awkwardness is making this impossible. I may appear to lack empathy but I cannot fathom hurting someone which is why you wouldn’t see me making fun of others or bullying someone because I know from personal experience how hurtful it is to be treated like crap. I wish I were normal and had no problems socializing, especially being socially awkward to the point that nobody likes me because of how I act socially. It’s hard to assess how I act when I have very few friends who can help me figure out what I am doing to be hated so much and it is hard for me to change and being social awkward is something I may never be able to fix but must be fixed in order for me to be liked by others.