She’ll be saying “Use me, show me jacuzzi.”  I imagine it’s there on the plate.

CWS is an INITIALISM

With Arizona State picking off North Carolina (12-5) and Arkansas disposing of Virginia (4-3) the final four of the College World Series has been set.  Games today will start at 1pm (CST) and 7pm (also CST… I’m consistent like that) extending the amount of time that you would ever consider paying attention to something going on in Omaha (no disrepseck).

Texas and Louisiana State University (fancy speak for LSU) only need to win out of the next two (if necessary) games against Arizona State and Arkansas respectively.  UT will look to keep the series less dramatic than their six-run comeback win against ASU just three short days ago.  I’m sure that Augie Garrido will demand it just as his Cosa Nostra brethren.

Don’t even ask about LSU… they’re looking as dominant as ever right now.  I feel a little pity for Arkansas right now.  Estimated time of death – 7:30pm.

On to your Houston Sports updates:

ASTROS - The Texas Rangers are good (right now), leading their division and all that… But they aren’t 6-straight games better than the Houston Astros.  That’s what I tell myself in my head and finally I have a piece of paper British website to point to in order to win the argument.  The Astros avoided the inter-league season sweep by beating the Rangers last night thanks to the powerful bat of Hunter Pence.

ROCKETS – There’s a interesting human continental interest story on SI.com about the influx of African-born players.  Obviously they point to Dikembe Mutmbo being .  I think we’ve all heard/seen/felt via braille this story more than once, but heck (no cursing), read it again from the point of view of a continent he may or may not have inspired.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Tom Penders needs to lay off the carrot juice.  The UConn Blog’s headline, “Tom Penders Takes Houston Pride to a New Level” is pretty much the best way to describe it.  Don’t worry, TP will have pulled off the permanent face paint look by the time the Cougars tip off next Fall.

TEXANS – Owen Daniels is still suffering from a case of the “me first and the gimme gimmes.”  It’s been a full week of a Daniels-less mandatory camp for the Houston Texans and Gary Kubiak isn’t having any of it.  Come on, Owen, stop throwing a hissy fit and show up.  You already signed your contract with an agreement to continue negotiations.  You’re not helping your cause.

DYNAMO – Your preview of tomorrow’s game against Real Salt Lake at Robertson Stadium can be found here.  The Dynamo are hoping to continue their unbeatable run against the team sitting in the fifth spot in the Western Conference standings.  “Sitting in the … standings,” that’s like a question wrapped in a paradox all covered in conundrum sauce.

- Septimus Rex

[CWS Logo from Kronish Sports]

The one where Avery Johnson has GOT to be one of Santa’s elves.

Shake your finger, Carl Landry.  Shake it until it flies off from the knuckle. (Above video, if you didn’t catch that.)

Tonight’s game was definitely satisfying.  The Rockets came out of the gates like gangbusters.  A seventeen to one run?  Yes, thank you very much.  I’ll have some more of that.  At that point in the game Reginald Blackstone was calling for a complete and utter shutdown of the Lakers.  “I bet they hold them to one point for the entire game.”  Homer…

Things got a little sketchy there in the third quarter with the Lakers surging, cutting the deficit to three points.  I thought that my fantasies of game seven were completely inappropriate.  I did naughty things to that game seven.  I did.  I can admit that.  I’m not pure of heart.

Thankfully the Rockets managed to quell the attack of the defending Western Conference champs and finish out the game.  Coffee is for closers (Ed. Note – Yes, it’s the return of the mega-long Glengarry Glen Ross clip).  Rockets, you have made Houston proud and deserve your caffiene high this morning.

So, everyone, ride this high for the next couple days.  The rubber game of the series is on Sunday afternoon at 2:30 in the pm.  Live it up until then.

Though we’re all still waiting on the “fuck you” game by Kobe that both me and THE Random Guy have predicted, I do have one point to make:  We still haven’t seen the “fuck you” game by Ron-Ron.  Could it be that both superstars, Artest and Bryant, will explode in the final game?  Only time will tell.

[If you missed the game and want to read a full recap (from the Boston Herald) here you go.]

On to your other Houston sports updates:

TEXANS – There’s no time like September. There’s no time like September. There’s no time like September.

ROCKETS – Sure, we’ve already talked about them a little bit… But, I’ve got a bone to pick.  Deke, if you really must be trying to pick up skanks from Pravada could you do me the favor and have your driver pull the Escalade up a little bit so I can get by?  Seriously, dude.  I just want to get home.  I’m not fancy enough to be enjoying your club experience tonight.  I was just trying to get home so I could pen this witty blog and here you are keeping me from my duty.  Deke didn’t big time me, he no-timed me.  Asshole.  (Not really, buddy.  Much love.)

ASTROS – Bourn stole home?  Sweet!  The Astros won?  Even sweeter!  (I would post a link to the video of the steal but MLB.com has decided it doesn’t want to load right now.)  Houston downed Colorado five to three.  There’s still hope left?  (Finally, MLB.com is working again… this link should work.)

AEROS – If the Rockets can follow the Aeros’ lead I will be a very very very happy man.  The Aeros finished off their series with the Milwaukee Admirals last night in game seven with a final score of five to two.  The Western Conference finals start tonight(?) so Houston’s favorite sons will be headed directly for Manitoba to prepare for battle.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Ok, so I will admit that I don’t know anything about boxing let alone who Juan Diaz is… However, he’s set to graduate with a degree in Political Science from our grand University of Houston.  Seriously, that’s all I got.  If I do say so myself, that’s some pretty good internet sleuthing.  Google works wonders when you search “University of Houston” in the news.

- S. Rex: Professional Blogger

In a FourthandFifty.com exclusive, sources at UH have leaked to us the top five candidates that UH has chosen for the Athletic Director position. The search committee focused on many different criteria, but the largest factor was independent wealth so that the meager salary would not be a factor in taking the position.  Please note that we have tried to contact other officials at the University of Houston, and no one else could either confirm or deny these rumors.

Dikembe Mutombo: Sources tell us that the candidate was interested in the position after leaving his current position as a Houston Rocket.  His qualifications include fundraising to build a hospital in his native country, a connection to all african pipeline of athletes like himself and Hakeem Olajuwon, and the signature finger wag telling someone to get their weak ass stuff out of here. However, the committee is said to worry about the health of Mutombo’s knees, and the risks of him constantly traveling back and forth to Africa.

Mr. Manhattan: Sources tell us that Mr. Manhattan has grown bored of both his ridiculously hot wife and living on Mars, and has decided to tinker in the world of athletics. Manhattan is obviously the smartest of all the candidates, however, has not been much of a people person and has no experience fundraising. Also, the committee was a little repulsed by Mr. Manhattan’s dong, and worries that it might scare away some potential donors, as well as attract unwanted donors.

Bernie Madoff: Sources tell us that the committee was impressed with Mr. Madoff’s ability to convince people to give him money. He sold the committee on numerous ways to invest the money that was donated to the program to get it to “work for them.” However, his jail sentence and fears that he might use monies donated to improve the athletics program for personal gain worry the search committee.

Mark Cuban: Sources tell us that Cuban is a leading candidate because of his high expectation levels and his passion for sports. Cuban would undoubtedly help the program with his own money, and push for upgrades like team jets with PlayStations. The committee likes Cuban’s philosophy of putting an exciting product on the field, and trying to sell as many tickets as possible. However, there are questions about his ability to fundraise, and committee fears that he might be too outspoken, pushing away possible corporate sponsors such as Dairy Queen. Also the committee was quoted as saying “fuck Dallas” and “dancing with the stars is gay.”

Bruce Wayne: Sources tell us that Bruce Wayne is the leading candidate for the position. The multi-millionaire playboy is often seen at high dollar social fundraisers, which is thought to be a positive factor in his own ability to fund raise. Bruce is rumored to have plans to replace 5 Star [the underqualified security company that UH employs for special events] with his own elite security teams. He also believes in state of the art facilities, gadgets, and equipment to help the athletes gain an advantage on the field. However, Bruce is said to have left his interview early, seemingly before the bat signal was seen in the sky. No word yet on when his second interview will be.

Dikembe Mutumbo is retiring from the NBA after a long illustrious career.  His signature move, the finger-wagging, will be missed.  Mutumbo is to be commended not for his basketball playing however, but because he has remembered Africa:

Mutombo’s most personal project is the Biamba Marie Mutombo Hospital, which opened in December 2007, in his native Democratic Republic of Congo. Mutombo donated $19 million and set up a foundation to raise money for the hospital, named after his late mother.

May God be with you in your retirement, Mr. Mutumbo!

Here is some movie news, The Ninja Turtles are getting another movie. It’s about fucking time. The world news G.I. Joe and the Ninja Turtles and Transformers because that’s the shit I grew up on and I’m not a pussy. Ghostbusters too. None of this Hannah Montana and Dora the Explorer stuff. Dudes need to be dudes and get into the main stream again! I swear, if my son is gay, I’ll come at Disney like a hurricane.

Nic Cage is going to be in this new movie where he looks VERY silly. It’s called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. I don’t even know what it’s about but I guarantee I see it.

Here’s a funny video of Maude Apatow which is Judd’s daughter with Leslie Mann . I didn’t know that that chick was Judd’s wife though. That’s why she is in every single movie! I don’t disagree, I totally think she is funny but now it makes sense.

This is pretty funny. Zach Galifinakis and WIll Arnett are doing a Disney Digital 3-d movie about guinea pigs according to that trailer and I love it. I love those two people and I love fuzzy animals.

Here are some chicks in their pj’s. Yup that’s Alessandra Ambrosio. She’s a sex kitten.

Big NFL Story today is that future Hall of Famer, Tony Gonzalez was just traded to the Atlanta Falcons for a 2nd round draft choice. Matt Ryan is going to be an All-Pro next year. The Falcons look good. I love Tony G too, I wanted him to be a Giant but I also don’t want to give up that much for him.

Bianca Cruz plays softball for Arizona. She is a cutiepants (SFW) and Jimmy Smith was busted for drugs. Dikembe Mutombo retired after 18 years in the NBA and countless charitywork that will live on. He’s a great guy.

Here are the Ugliest Athletes of all time. I called Cassell being number 1 but if you notice they are either big Nordic lookin dudes, gingers or black guys.

A bunch of people are vying to be the first injured guy in the season, I mean be on the cover of Madden 2010! It’s got some big names up there. Troy Palumulu, Brandon Jacobs, Adrian Peterson, Matt Cassell (?), Peyton Manning, Ed Reed, Larry Fitzgerald, DeMarcus Ware, Ren Roethlisberger and probably more.

Brynn Tyler is naked (NSFW).

How Drunkenness Affects Your Chances of Getting Laid

Holy Taco link of the day. Action Figures that guys can relate to.

Christa Moore is also naked (NSFW)

I love this fucking website. “Look At This Fucking Hipster”

Video of a girl taking a bath. (NSFW). April O’Neil to be exact. And this is Sunny Leone who is naked (NSFW).

And a big thread with lots of poop jokes.

COMPARE THE SIMILARITIES IN VOICES WITH THESE TWO VIDEOS

Ring, Ring, Ring…

Dikembe Mutombo: Hello.

Fourth and Fifty: Hello Dikembe.  First off thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.  We know you have a lot going on with the Houston Rockets and their push for the playoffs right now.  So tell us…  Does it mean more to you to make it to the playoffs now that you are the oldest player in the league, or do you feel like it’s just any other post season.

DM: Me want cookie!  Me want cookie!

FaF: Hmmm… OK…. So it sounds like you use cookies as part of your training regime to help you stay in shape.  That is a little unorthodox, but you are still playing as the oldest player in the NBA, so I guess you can’t argue with results.  We all know you are Second in all time for blocks.  What goes through your head when you block a shot and perform your well known finger wag?

DM: Me eat cookie!  Me am monster!

FaF: Wow you sure use cookies as a lot of inspiration in your game.  I’m surpised we havent heard you talk about this to the media in the past.  That is great that you envision yourself as a monster when you  block the basketball.  I could see how your opponents might feel as if they were going up against a monster.  We here at Fourth and Fifty think it is great that you gave back to the community that you came from by building a hospital in the Congo.  Did building a hospital have anything to do with you originally wanting to be a doctor when you started attending Georgetown University?

DM: Me am Cookie Monster!  (chewing) Om Nom nom nom nom!

FaF: Wait a second… You are the cookie monster from Sesame Street?  You do sound the same as Dikembe Mutumbo.  What are doing answering Dikembe’s phone?

Cookie Monster: Me and Dikembe are brothers!  This is why we sound the same!  We are like the Twins movie, you know the one with Arnold and Danny!  Dikembe get all good genes!  Me get all crappy genes!  This is why me blue and fuzzy and short!  This is why Dikembe tall and athletic and rich!

FaF: Well, wish your brother good luck for us.  Have a good day.

CLICK.

-Reginald Blackstone

Photos via [tikirobot.net][feetinthepaint]

The one where you better get the fuck up off my Lucky Charms, B.

Gonna get me some of that... Sans green food coloring.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.  Beware of the Patty Nazis that will berate you for not wearing green.  Appease them.  Just wear green.  Have an excuse.  Just don’t not care [Ed. Note - I'm loving and sticking by that double negative].  Their power knows no limits.  They have the Leprechauns on their side.  Don’t fuck with Leprechauns.

So, may the luck of the Irish be with you on this holy of holiest drinking holidays.  Apparently Carl Landry already made good on that luck this morning.  Let’s keep the momentum going.

Up ahead are your Houston sports updates:

Texans:  Just in case you’ve missed it because your part of the <2% of America that doesn’t have ESPN, Jay Cutler has asked to be traded from the Broncos!  Kubiak has not yet awoken from fainting over his wet dream coming true.  Our sources are telling Fourth and Fifty that a three player deal is in the works between KC, Denver and Houston.  Cassel to Denver.  Cutler to Houston.  Orlovsky to Kansas City.  Kansas City was just messing with you when they appeared to want to improve their team.  No worries.  Order will be maintained and they will remain at the bottom of the standings.

Rockets:  Yao Ming didn’t make it on the court last night with “flu-like symptoms.”  The Houston Rockets managed to turn on the after-burners and beat the Hornets with some great play in the second half, 95-84.  All this win did was reaffirm my love of Dikembe Mutumbo… mostly for quotes like this:

“Just because a guy doesn’t play, or the coaches don’t give him a chance to play, that doesn’t mean all those young kids can come in trying to find a way to dunk. I asked him (second-year forward Julian Wright) one time, ‘Don’t you watch NBA Classic?’ You need to see it.’” – chron.com

Astros:  Pudge is officially an Astro.  Rodriguez signed a one-year deal yesterday.  This is good news for all those fans out there that were waiting to cheer for a player at the tail-end of their career that will under-perform.  It’s like Biggio never left… and never moved from catcher to second base.  Yay!  We finally have a dumb nickname on the roster.  Go! I-Rod! Go!

Houston Cougars:  We’re going to have a bit of a treat either today or tomorrow.  A Q&A session with an Oregon State fan site that found us the other day.  Who says the CBI doesn’t matter?  It matters to us because it’s the only way that people realize our existence.  We’re not above taking the pity interview by a non-traditional-media representative.

- Septimus Rex

[Photo from this guy who writes for this site]

The one where Septimus needs “justifiable employment.”

I have one word for the above video: splendiforous.  A rejection back into the face of Fernandez and then checking the coif.  The only finishing move better than that is the Mutumbo Finger Wag.  (Why does Dikembe sound like a post-pubescent Yoda to me?  Block you, I will.  Mine, this house is.)  Good to see him back on the bench supporting Yao, if only for pleading to officials in an unintelligible accent on Yao’s behalf.

Back to Chris Anderson – The Birdman, Birdzilla, or The Raging Rooster… your choice – awesome.  Let’s push a little more promotion.  Because fan tribute youtube videos are the best, here’s Birdzilla’s.

Here are you non-existent Houston sports updates:

Texans:  At least Houston doesn’t show up on Bodog’s odds for a home for Terrell Owens.  Schaub would probably faint only to throw himself down the stairs when he came to if he got that news.  The Texans did host another free agent from the Cowboys yesterday, Kevin Burnett.  He’s coming off a career best of 2 sacks…  Yeah.

Rockets:  Host Phoenix at home.  That is all.  I don’t want to jinx the team, although, everytime I post something even remotely negative they seem to win… Scola is UGLY!!

Astros:  Still playing meaningless games against countries.  How is this fair?

Cougars:  The campus shut down yesterday because of all the athletic team losses on Wednesday.

UTSA:  BONUS!!  Because I was literally 20 seconds too late bringing up this news item last night, Larry Coker will be the coach of the as of yet non-existent UTSA football team.  The Roadrunners (yes, that’s their mascot) are very excited to have them on board.  Coker is already looking forward to the rivalry match-up (yes, I’m about to go there) against the University of New Mexico Albuquerque Wile E. Coyotes… boooooo!

I’ll be over here hanging my head in shame if anyone needs me.

- Septimus Rex

Look at this little piece of shit.

I may play a lot of games but let me tell you one thing I learned in real life: this is the last car on earth you want to be driving while hunting for Africa’s bloodiest arms dealer in the thick of a civil war. Trust me, I was raised in Sierra Leone.

There is no shortage of vehicles in Far Cry 2, in fact there seem to be jeeps and hatchbacks lying all over the continent. Sadly for the player, they offer terrible protection from the bullet storms laid upon them by hot-tempered checkpoint guards.

As the NBA’s pre-season continues to move forward, it becomes increasingly interesting to evaluate some of the Draft Night transactions which involved young men who had yet to play a single game in the NBA and were deemed by certain GM’s to be valuable building blocks for their respective franchises, or not.

Such is the case for Roy Hibbert [C, 7-2, 278, 2008 NBA Draft, No. 17 (overall) Selection].

——————————————-

Hibbert shows he can score
Hibbert, the No. 17 pick in last summer’s draft, had his best offensive game of the preseason, scoring 17 points against the Grizzlies on Monday.

“We really like Roy,” Pacers coach Jim O’Brien said. “He works his heart out. He knows how to put the ball in the basket around the basket. We couldn’t be happier with Roy right now.”

Hibbert came out of Georgetown labeled as being primarily a defensive player. Hibbert will help the Pacers defensively — he had three blocked shots against the Grizzlies — but he’ll also offer more. He had nine rebounds in 23 minutes.

——————————————-

Time will tell just how effective Roy Hibbert is eventually going to be, in the NBA … but if this corner’s assessment proves to be correct, he is destined to have a long and productive career, as a ‘Robert Parrish-esque’ player, i.e. no fuss-no muss, consistent on both ends of the floor, plays within himself at all times, Rock Solid Big … following in the grand tradition of Patrick Ewing, Dikembe Mutumbo, Alonzo Mourning and [to a far lesser extent] Othella Harrington.

Of further intrigue, at least, to this corner, is the fact that he was acquired on Draft Night by a GM like Larry Legend [of all people ], as part of the Pacers’ trade with the Raptors … i.e. Jermaine O’Neal + the 2008 NBA Draft No. 41 (overall) Selection [Nathan Jawai], in exchange for TJ Ford [PG] + Rasho Nesterovic [PF/C] + Maceo Baston [PF].

5 years from today … it is going to be very interesting to assess where the Raptors have gone, in the interim, with the front-court players they have right now … i.e. Chris Bosh, O’Neal, Andrea Bargnani, Kris Humphries, Nathan Jawai & Jamal Sampson … in comparison with the Pacers [i.e. Rasho Nesterovic, Jeff Foster, Troy Murphy, Austin Croshere, Josh McRoberts, Maceo Baston & Roy Hibbert].

It says here … that Larry Bird has his Center for the next 10-15 years, and the Pacers are but one or two more moves away from returning to the EC playoffs on a consistent basis.

——————————–

UPDATE:
* A 2nd set of solid numbers for Roy Hibbert
Box Score: Pacers 100, Mavericks 93 [Wed Oct 15 2008].

Watch the Houston Rockets Players Impersonate Dikembe Mutumbo!

aka: When Is The Right Time To Start Giving (assuming you want to)?
Note: This is part 1 of the “Do Unto Others” series on charitable giving

A friend of mine, less than a year out of college, once said the following to me:

“I want to give to charity, but I’m only 23. If I give that money now, every dollar I give away is going to cost me like a hundred when it’s time to put my kids through college or retire. I could save that dollar today, give twenty down the road, and everyone wins!”

At first, I found his argument compelling. His math was accurate. Compounded at an annual rate of 5%, a single dollar today is going to be worth $65 when my friend turns 60. Saving money is smart- that’s something that your parents probably taught you (unless you were raised by Mike Tyson, Willie Nelson, or MC Hammer). I walked away thinking I had to re-address my belief that giving is a wise act, no matter one’s age.

I have toyed with this argument for years (oh, did I not mention that the previous conversation was three years ago?) and only this month have I been able to effectively craft a counter argument. I call it Compounding Charitable Returns.

The fundamental argument of my friend’s argument was that a dollar to charity is a dollar to charity, no matter when or where. I’ll briefly mention that this isn’t economically the case because you can have inflation & outflation, stagflation & doeflation, etc. The argument that a dollar donated today and a buck chucked in 2050 assumes that money only grows when we save it in our bank accounts.

If I give my dollar to charity today, will it be worth $65 when my friend turns 60? No and Yes. No, you can’t look up that dollar in a bank account to see that it’s grown to a larger amount, having mated and sired son-dollars, daughter-dollars, and grand-dollars. But the money you give today does pay off years from now- maybe even more so! Let me take a couple of my favorite charities as an example:

Anything where you sponsor medical care, education, etc for impoverished folks around the world- Money today means a child gets an education and proper medical care. Has any asset ever held its value longer than than an education? When that kid grows up and is a contributing member of society, creating more wealth, providing for its family, likely sponsoring others in need, that is your dollar still at work. Your gift is compounding. Not in a bank, but in real lives.

Anything where you sponsor a home for those who need it- Same deal. A family with a roof over its head is more likely to be safe and healthy than one on the streets or moving all over the place. Such a family can then focus its resources on education, work, and getting on with life. Housing can jump start lives, and as long as its impacting those lives your dollars are still at work. If those you impacted can go on to impact others, your dollars are still at work!

Microfinance & Entrpreneurship Charities- To financial types, this one is simple. Someone out there is going through tough times but is capable of starting a business which can support themselves and/or others if they can land just a little investment. Ever wanted to be a venture capitalist? You can invest in a goatskin slipper maker in The Congo for a hundred bucks. There is a good chance your hundred dollar business will go on to support a couple of families and their children. Perhaps those kids will get an education where they learn about AIDS prevention. Maybe they will go on to become the president who ends civil war. If we are lucky, they will learn the game of basketball and be the next Dikembe Mutombo (official name: Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, I am not even joking).

By now, you probably get my point.
[As a side note, I am a fan of giving early in life because it fosters good habits. If ever there was an easy time to start giving, it was when we had little money to give. If ever there was a time when it meant the most to give, it was when we had little money to give.

Before I wrap it up, I also want to quickly note that this is not a "giving is good" post in the purest sense. That's a post for another day. This is a "rebuttal to the notion that giving later in life can enrich me and those I want to give to" post. Technically, you could say it is a "Robbie totally calling out his friend in a public forum for something he said three years ago" post, but that would be mean of you... Meanie.]

There are such things as Compound Charitable Returns.

When you invest money, that money goes to work for you. When you see the appreciation of your investment, its easy to see the benefit of that investment. It looks like you’ve achieved more than you would have achieved just by giving that money away because when you give it away, it doesn’t appear to grow. It doesn’t appear to do anything, in fact, other than go away.

Thing is, while that money has passed you by (much like the Rolling Stones have passed most of us by), its work is not finished (much like the Rolling Stones are not yet finished). If you’re giving to a trustworthy and successful organization, that money will be working long after you’re gone.

Just like the Rolling Stones.

Until Next Time, Later Y’all

-TYF