My daughter-who is 3 years old has displayed a strong character since her first months. Now we are in the ‘no’ phase, anything whatsoever gets the ‘no’ response even if a few minutes later she decides to do/say what I’ve asked her. How do I get her to become more cooperative, without threatening the independence of her character?

Sincerely, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Believe it or not, this is a typical and healthy phase.  Two and young three year olds often go through a phase of saying “no” all day long.  I remember Claire saying “no” to ice cream because I picked the flavor and a minute later she reached happily for the bowl.  Often around this time they are also driven to do the opposite, you say “up” so they say “down” and often test your commitment to it being up.  The “no” and the push for the opposite are a part of her developing a sense of self.  She is realizing self is separate from others, that she can form and share her own opinion and that there is a bit of power in testing limits.  This is also a good thing, I want children to find their voice and learn to speak their opinion.

Only ask yes/no questions if “no” is an acceptable response.  Avoid saying “are you ready for dinner?” when you really mean, “it is dinnertime, come to the table now please.”  If you ask a yes/no question, be ready to live with either answer.  If “no” is unacceptable, rephrase your question.

If “no” is an acceptable answer, let her know this.  If you ask, “would you like to sit here?” and she says “no.” I would say “okay, where would you like to sit.”  If “no” is unacceptable, you might rephrase this as a choice “would you like to sit here or here for lunch” or you might offer a contribution “I need someone to put a napkin on each plate,” as you hand them or offer a challenge, “let’s race to the table,” or just a distraction, “I am an elephant stomping to the table, are you a big elephant too?”  Sounds silly, I know but remember you are talking to a three year old.

Let’s take a harder one, say you are making a request but not asking.  You say “it’s time to clean up now, come help me,” and you get a “no.”  I would start by hearing her, “I know you don’t want to right now, it’s time to clean.” or “You really are having fun playing, it’s hard to put it away and it’s time.”  Then you might offer a choice or a challenge or a contribution.

There is also great benefit in not repeating yourself when you ask her to do something.  Here is a link to our blog post on not repeating yourself: http://parentingbydrrene.wordpress.com/2012/03/01/want-kids-to-listen-stop-repeating-yourself/

Here is a link to our blog post on choices: http://parentingbydrrene.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/how-choices-work-in-positive-discipline/

And a link to our blog post on contribution: http://parentingbydrrene.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/contribution-getting-kids-to-help/

When I have seen a discipline exchange going south fast for my husband, I have offered to help.  Sometimes he says “no thanks, I got it.”  Other times he says, “yes, take them.  It’s your turn.”  If the former, I say “listen to your father.”  I reserve the right to make a note of the situation and discuss it with him after and away from the children.  If the latter, I move forward in discipline.

If you don’t offer and just move in or if you offer and move in even though you were declined, you are making your partner’s job harder the next go around.  It can be very hard but there is a need to let them build an individual parent-child relationship.  Both parents should be able to feel confident in their interactions and discipline exchanges.

If you disagree often over discipline, you may want to spend time working through it apart from the children.  You might read Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage by Pruett and Pruett.  You might also take our live or audio workshop on Parenting as a Couple.

It can be helpful to first identify your triggers for losing that sense of calm in parenting.  Right now, make a list of the things that happen or the things your kids do that make you lose it.  A top three list would be a good place to start.

Next think about and jot down how you typically react to each.  Be honest with yourself, what do you typically do and say?  What do you look like and sound like to your kids?  What is the intensity or volume of your response?  This is your reaction.

Now realize, you never need to react that way again.  There are so many other things, likely more productive things you could do in these moments.  Brainstorm a list of better things you could do.  Maybe focus on giving them choices related to the behavior, maybe focus on creative ways to better teach them, maybe build a list of children’s stories that would illustrate the point you are trying to make.  In the long run, you could learn positive discipline and develop better things to say around I messages, empathy, positive intent, choices and consequences.  You might read Playful Parenting by Cohen and make light when it seems appropriate.

The point is to recognize your typical reaction when you lose your cool is less than helpful.  It likely isn’t working to curb the behavior and doesn’t feel good to anyone involved.  Part of calm parenting is planning for these times.

• I messages – This is labeling your own or others emotions and blaming the behavior not the child.  When labeling your own emotions it sounds like “I am frustrated, no one is listening,” or “I am upset, this is a huge mess.”  Labeling others’ emotions sounds like “She is upset, she wasn’t finished with her turn,” or “She is angry, that hurt her.”  This shares emotions and avoids You messages which blame the child such as “I am frustrated, you never listen,” or “She is angry, you hurt her.”
• Empathy – This is validating the child’s emotions as you enter into a discipline exchange, even when you disagree with the emotion at hand.  It is saying “Wow, you are mad, you didn’t like that game,” or “I see you are sad, it’s hard to be left out.”  It’s remembering to validate emotions and help find a calm before you address the situation or discipline.
• Positive Intent – This refers to how we view the child’s behavior.  What we think and assume about their behavior shapes our tone and our reply.  This is thinking of those you love as tired or overwhelmed rather than lazy.  For the child having trouble waiting for a turn it is seeing them as excited, young and needing to learn patience rather than annoying or rude.
• Choices – The idea is to offer the child two positive choices about how, when or where they can do the behavior you want them to do.  If you are wanting them to get homework done this might be, “Do you want to start with reading or math,” or “do you want to work before or after snack,” or “do you want to work at the kitchen table or your bedroom desk?”  These often work because they give the child some power.
• Natural Consequences – This is what just might happen in life if the child continues the behavior.  These warn and encourage the child to think about the possible outcomes.  This sounds like, “If you don’t wear a coat, you might be cold,” and “if you do that, she might not want to play with you.”  These consequences start to make sense around three and a half years old.
• Logical Negative Consequences – This is if the bad behavior then the bad related outcome.  “If you keep yelling, you will have to play in separate rooms,” or “if you grab a toy, you may not play with it for 5 minutes.”
• Logical Positive Consequences – This is if the good behavior then the good related outcome. “If you can speak nicely, you can stay together,” or “if you can share the coloring books, I’ll get out the other markers.”

Choices work because the child gets to have some power.  Choices elicit cooperation; the child willingly does what you want her to do because she gets to make a decision.  This is especially true for young children under five years old because they have very little power in their day.  They are often told where to go, when to go and to be quiet while they are going there.  If you ask a three-year-old who is hemming about having to take medicine, “Would you like it with a spoon or a dropper?” and he replies, “Dropper!” he is more willing to take the medicine because of his newly found sense of control.

The choices don’t have to be important ones.  For that child who is hesitant to take medicine you could offer, “Would you like it with juice or water?”  The next night ask, “Standing or sitting?”  The next night ask, “In the kitchen or in the bathroom?”  None of these choices are terribly important in the process, but they tend to gain compliance for the parenting goal of downing the medicine.

To be fair, both options must be good for the child.  Steer clear of offering one positive and one negative option.  I think of Alicen who makes a lot of noise throughout the day; she hums and whistles and sings.  By the end of the day, it can be a bit much.  When we are all in the kitchen getting ready for dinner, I might say, “You can do that in here very quietly or out in the foyer loud.”  Neither of those options is particularly bad.  If I offered one positive and one negative, I might say, “You can do that in here quietly or go to your room.” In this case, my language is manipulative.  I am saying, “Here is a bad and here is a good; now which do you want?”  Children typically understand this and think, “Well, duh!  Nobody wants the bad.”  They are forced to choose the one you want them to choose.  That is not a choice; it is a consequence and should be stated as such: “If you do not quiet down, I will send you to your room.”  When there is one positive and one negative, it is a given what will happen; it is not a choice.  Rather than provide a false choice that is actually a consequence  like “You can mow the lawn today or be grounded; which do you want?”  parents will get better results by stating the cause and effect clearly: “If you do not mow the lawn, I will ground you.”

In most discipline, choices come after any needed “I” messages or empathy but before consequences.  As you enter into discipline, it is best to address emotions first.  Help yourself and your child to calm and manage emotions before you try to discipline or to fix the situation.  Once that is done or if that is not needed, think choices before consequences.  Choices work because they elicit cooperation.  Children are often happy to do the thing you want them to do.  Negative logical consequences work because you are putting your foot down.  Children are often resentful of the process or angry that you just trumped them.  The order of response would be to lead with the choice.

First: “Do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?”

And then, if necessary, follow that up with a logical consequence.

Second: “If don’t get dressed now, we will lose our time for the playground.”

This puts the happy option first and follows up with the less agreeable way if happiness fails.  The other order – consequence first followed by choice – is usually less effective. Children will be less willing to choose if you were just firm with them. An example would look like: “If you do not get dressed right now, we’ll lose our time for the playground.  Now which do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?”    You already put your foot down, so it is far less attractive to take you up on a choice.  Choices should come first because they are flexible and open.  Consequences are closed; there is a built-in outcome.

There are a few exceptions to the “choices first” guideline.  Aggressive behaviors tend to go straight to consequences.  Hitting, kicking, biting and screaming in someone’s face are behaviors that do not have choices available; they just don’t.  In those cases, I tend to think consequences first after attending to and offering empathy to the “victim.”

There are a few expected stages in development when choices can be especially effective.  At various ages, many children are driven to gain independence in particular ways. Around two to three years old, most children are driven to do things for themselves. Parents of toddlers and preschoolers often hear, “I do it myself.”  It is helpful if parents can offer choices such as “Would you like to do it by yourself or with help?”

Around six years old, children tend to push for more control over their schedule and routines.  It can be helpful if parents offer choices such as “Would you like to read books or color now?” or “Let’s invite a playdate.  Would you like to call Lindsey or Emily to play?”  Around the eight years old, children may push for more physical  independence.  Choices such as, “Would you all like to sit with us or a few aisles away?” can be helpful.  In the pre-teen years, children tend to need more privacy.  Parents can offer choices such as, “Would you all like some time alone in your room or in the basement?”  If children feel thwarted in their push for independence, they may become evasive in their efforts.  If you feel struggles happening over these pushes for new independence, it is most helpful to examine the amount of control you are exerting over your children.

Children benefit from practice at making decisions. Kohn states that children “learn to make good decisions by making decisions.” Ideally, you are offering these choices throughout the day, not just in discipline. Asking questions like “Would you like peanut butter or ham and cheese?” or “Do you want to play blocks or balls?” provides children with safe opportunities to practice making choices. These opportunities are out of the moment of discipline.  There is less hanging in the balance.  The better children get at weighing the options and making decisions when the decisions are not weighted with importance, the better they’ll handle choices within discipline.  When my children came to me at seven years old and ask, “What should I do about this?”   I wanted to be able to give it back to them by asking, “What do you think you should do?”  To gain experience problem-solving –to come up with and weigh options –  children need practice.

As a general guideline, when children are under five years old, provide only two choices.  If you open the closet and ask a three-year-old, “What would you like to wear?” the choices can be overwhelming.  Children will let you know when they are ready for wider choices.  You might ask, “Do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?”  If they reply, “How about the green,” they are likely ready for more options.  By all means, if green is another sweatshirt which meets your parenting goal, it is fine.  If the green is a party dress and if you are headed to the muddy playground, you might say, “I really like the green too, but today it is red or blue.” It is fine to reiterate choices.  If this strategy still doesn’t work, you can choose for them, but you have to let them know that is coming. You could say, “This is taking a long time.  You can choose or I will choose for you.” Most kids will choose immediately because they don’t want to lose that power. This shift should not sound like “Okay. This is taking too long; I choose the blue.”  If you swoop in and take their power without warning, you will surely be met by upset or tantrums.

While choices often work, sometimes, they just don’t. You warn children to make a choice, and they fall to pieces.  Or, they do make a choice but then throw it down and run from the room screaming.  When choices fail, you can fall back on consequences.  Moving to consequences also prevents you from being bogged down by choices.  Occasionally, we have a parent who says that choices don’t work because, for example, “My child says ‘no’ to the initial offer, so I come up with other choices and she just refuses every option,” or “We go in circles all day because he’ll pick something and then change his mind and fight for the other.”  In these scenarios, the child has led the use of choices into a power struggle. The idea is to offer one set of choices, encourage a decision, and then move forward.  If choices break down, move to consequences rather than join in the struggle by offering a series of choices.  If the choices initially work and then a bit later the child starts to lose interest, it is fine to offer a second set of choices to keep the momentum going.  It is success if you are cleaning the playroom together and initially offer, “Would you like to start with the blocks or the balls?” and the child chooses and starts picking up the blocks.  If interest fades six minutes later, you can offer another set of choices, “Do you want to finish the blocks by yourself or with help?”

Another possible challenge with choices is when a child will choose one but then push for the other. Let’s say you offer, “Would you like cereal or oatmeal?” The child chooses oatmeal, you make it and as you set it on the table the child says, “No!  I want cereal.” At that late point, if you then make the cereal, the child will push for the second option often.  There is more power in getting you to make two.  If you want that push to end, offer empathy around the first choice but stick with it through the upset.  Say “I know you like cereal.  I am sorry but I’ve already made the oatmeal and that’s what is for breakfast. You are welcome to cereal tomorrow.” It may take a few times of sticking with the first choice, but if you are consistent, the push for the second thing should lessen.  If you have a child who does this often, you can confirm before making the oatmeal. After you have offered and child chose, you can say “I heard you, you picked cereal. I am going to make it and we are going to stick with it.  Do you understand?” At least you feel better about sticking with the first choice.

Choices are flexible and work because they share power with the child.  They also teach decision-making and often result in a more peaceful exchange than consequences.

I am feeling stuck in a difficult situation.  I have three children under five years old and have been fortunate to be friends with our neighbor who has four children, three in the same age range.  It was a great situation, we live so close and the kids enjoyed playing together.  Unfortunately, one of her children has been diagnosed with special needs and has become increasingly aggressive towards my children in the last year.  When the kids first became friends, he was only aggressive towards his own siblings but now it is towards my kids and it’s often.  Recently, he pushes, scratches, headbutts, hits or kicks my oldest every time they play together.  The behavior is impulsive and erratic, most times my child isn’t doing anything to provoke and it can happen with an adult right beside them.  One minute they are playing, the next he is pushing or scratching.  The most frustrating thing is that my oldest (who has been the repeated victim) head butted his own younger sibling yesterday, something I never thought would happen.  I don’t want my children hurt and I don’t want them learning the behavior.  I am also fearful this child is really going to hurt someone.  My concern is such that I don’t want my children to play with this aggressive child.  How do I handle things with the neighbor?  What do I tell my son about the aggression so he’s not confused by being hurt by a playmate and doesn’t learn the bad behavior?  Also, I am fine with the other children in the family, they all play nicely.  Can I invite just them?  We’ve become good friends with the neighbors ourselves and go out together and celebrate occasions together.  Is there a way to keep the other relationships but avoid play with the one who is having such difficulty and seems to be getting worse?

Sincerely,

Concerned Mom of Three

Dear Concerned,

There are so many questions here with lots of options.  Your primary concern is and should be your own children, their safety and what they are learning from these incidents.  Part of the message they are getting rests in the follow-up that happens when this child is aggressive.  Are you or the other parent addressing the behavior.  Some parents give up as it happens so often and chalk it up to how kids play.  If this is the case, your child is learning that behavior gets a pass.  If the mom is addressing well each time with consequences and coaching how to play nicely often, hopefully your child is also seeing this piece to understand it is an unwanted or unacceptable behavior.  If you continue to play as things are, I think you’ll need to address with the mom how this should be handled each time.  Ask that it be consistently addressed when the children are playing together.  Be sure you are both comfortable with being able to follow through.  Even with a consistent follow through, your children are learning from his behavior.  That they see aggression in play makes it more available as a behavior to try themselves.

If you choose to continue the play, you might try to change the play that is available.  Children tend to be more aggressive in unstructured open play.  You might limit play to field trips, bowling or movies.  When they are at the house you might invite them over for painting on big paper then snack and goodbyes.  The idea is to fill their time rather than just go play.  We had a relative whose child was particularly aggressive when the girls were little.  We talked about it and for a few years opted to just get together for outings rather than open play.  Honestly, there were hurt feelings but a few years later we were able to go back to regular play.

You might also have one parent “shadow” him.  In our preschool shadowing would mean one teacher stays within arms reach.  This is so they might see it coming and be able to intervene early or at least stop it quickly if it starts.  The idea would be to allow play but be watching and close at all times.

You and mom might also look for triggers and cues for the aggression.  While you say it seems to happen out of the blue, likely there are things that set him off and there are signs he gives before the aggression.  Triggers might be another child having a toy he wants, being told no, very close physical play or having to wait.  Triggers are the things that set him off and if you can learn what they are you have a better chance to intervene.  Cues are signs he’s about to be aggressive.  Some children get tense shoulders, others get a wild look in their eyes or their voice goes up a notch.  The idea is to look and listen for cues and intervene on the cue rather than the behavior that follows.

All this is a lot of effort and assumes you are going to continue the play.  I think you are also perfectly reasonable to decide to end the play at least for now.  If this is the case, you can offer to maintain the play with the other children in the family but be prepared for the mom to decline.  It may be too difficult for her to separate her children this way.  You can also suggest keeping the parent relationship going but again this may be declined.

Either way you go with the above, you will have to speak with the mom.  When you do this avoid blaming her or her children.  Talk about your concerns for the safety of all, that your children have started being more aggressive with each other recently and you are working to curb that.  Or you could just opt to let this whole relationship go quietly.  This means to stop making the invites and politely decline when invitations are made.  Eventually, she may push you for an explanation and giving that is up to you.

I hope something in here is helpful.

Sincerely, Dr. Rene

If it truely is a power struggle, often the second step is to realize what you are doing as response is not working.  If getting ready for bedtime is a struggle, likely you are chasing child around the room, yelling and wrestling them into their jammies.  This is you participating in the struggle which validates it to be a push AND likely repeating discipline patterns that aren’t working.  The idea, once you realize you are in a struggle is to step back and change what you are doing as response.  I am not saying give in, I know you have to get them dressed and ready for bed or feed something for dinner, I am saying change what you are doing in response.  Shake up the dynamics of the struggle.

In power struggle moments rely on setting clear boundaries, positive directions, catching good behaviors, the use of contribution, choices and consequences.  Use techniques to step out of the struggle rather than chase them around and struggle back.  To learn more about these techniques, join us for a morning workshop on managing power struggles.  This is being held on Saturday April 21st.  For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Sincerely,

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

I am sure this is upsetting but I would avoid discipline, at least at the emotion.  First, I would try to look at the emotion behind the behavior and address that.  While you may be unaware of any change, it doesn’t mean there wasn’t one.  It may have been a piece of a passing conversation, a new understanding of an old problem as they mature or a sense of slight from his other parent.  It may be impossible to find the cause, even the child may be unable to pin point it but clearly there is upset.  I would go out of my way to validate the difficult emotions when there is a behavior.  When child rolls eyes, this sounds like, “I get you are frustrated with me, you don’t like what I just asked you to do.”  Without lecturing, this can be followed by a simple, “and I need you to do it now.”  The idea is to validate the emotion but follow through with the behavior.  It is a narrow road but if you move forward with discipline, it is along these lines.  Validate the emotions and discipline the related behaviors.  In the moment this would be starting with “I see you are grumpy this morning, I will try again later,” or “I know you are frustratted, let’s go back and try that again.”  You might also coach how the child can better display.  Rather than a dirty look to a “good morning” coach that they can say “I’m not awake yet.”  This coaching is best out of the moment, when all is well.

In all this coaching avoid putting pressure on the individual relationship.  Rather than saying “you and I are family and you will treat me with respect,” go more global, “that is an unfriendly way to say good morning, it would be nicer to say…”  Focus on coaching how to speak to people in general, how to be kind, how to carry conversation rather than pressuring the relationship.

I would also make every effort to have child spend individual time connecting with each parent.  No need to make an announcement but think at least weekly each of you are spending a bit of time.  This can be a trip to the grocery store if you are focused on conversation and spending the time together.  You might also read about and practice Greenspan’s talk time as presented in Playground Politics.  This is a book about social and emotional development through the grade school years and highlights the importance of children having open talk time as they move out of Floortime.  It’s an interesting way to open up conversations and emotions.

If you decide to go more specific at the discipline, I would initially make it a whole family effort.  Sit and talk with everyone about how you are going to make an effort to be kinder and gentler with each other in communicating even when people are upset.  Make it an effort in your marriage and in the parent-child relationships.  If there are consequences for negative tones and words, this goes for all.  Likely more success here is it is a global effort rather than a narrow focus.  I would look to discipline more specifically only if all this fails.  I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Katie,

At two years old she likely does this because it’s fun or because it gets a big reaction.  I would save the conversation about what she can do til just before you are getting out of the car.  After you’ve gotten the carrier with the baby and you are just about to let her out I would say, “In the parking lot I need you to hold my hand the whole time.”  Then I would give her a choice to help her buy in, something like “do you want to jump or walk while you hold my hand,” or “do you want to sing or whisper while you hold my hand?”  If she is not yet able to make a choice just give her these things as a challenge, “let’s whisper the whole time we hold hands, ready?”

If this doesn’t work, be prepared to follow through with a consequence related to keeping her safe.  If she is pulling away or trying to run, “if you run, you will have to be in the stroller” or “you will have to wear the backpack (leash).”  I am not a terribly big fan of the leashes but I get it.  If your young child is a runner, and my first one was, I get the leash in parking lots or crowded places.  I think they are fine while the child is learning to stay with you or be a listener.

You might also practice a key word.  In our house we playe the Freeze Game.  I took Alicen to Springfield Mall, an empty place on weekday afternoons and said, “okay, today when you run off I am going to say ‘Freeze!’ When you hear me say ‘Freeze!’ your job is to stop your feet as fast as you can.  Got it?”  For the next while you are playing the Freeze Game and teaching that ‘freeze’ is a magic word.  Everytime she listens, gush a little by saying something like, “Look how fast you stopped.  You are a listener!”  You can then use the Freeze Game in parking lots and on bigger outings.

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

In both episodes the big discipline reveal is her technique, the Calm Down Corner.  The Supernanny touts it as an opportunity for the child to think about their behavior, to learn to calm themselves, to self-regulate.  She then instructs the parent to repeatedly state the child’s misbehavior while taking them back to the Corner up to 105 times in the second episode.  The child is laughing and dodging mom then kicking and crying while she carries him back.  This is not a child reflecting on his behavior, he is playing a frustrating game of chase.  Eventually, at least, mom wins.  The child wears out and sits quietly for three minutes.  Mom restates for the 106th time,   ”You were in the Calm Down Corner for not listening.”  Directions stated in the negative tend to backfire as the child is learning not listening gets a whole lot of attention.  In action this is nothing but a renamed and poorly executed time-out.

A child’s sense of self esteem is an outome measure based largely on thier  growing sense of skills and abilities and their social connectedness.  While the discipline taught isn’t much, the Supernanny’s parent coaching on a child’s self-esteem was against the research at best.  I watched as she moved through a conversation with a nine year old girl surrounding issues of self esteem.  Supernanny asked the child to look in the mirror and rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how pretty she feels.  The girl rated herself a 5 and then went on to add with make-up she’s a 7.  Supernanny then talked to mom about how pretty her daughter feels and mom followed up with a conversation about feeling pretty.  There is so much wrong with this it is hard to know where to start.  Not only is it off about the foundations of self esteem, focusing on positive labels in all the conversations in the long run can diminsh the child’s sense of self.  It is so discouraging to think of how many parents walked away from that show to have similar conversations with their own children.  Presenting content which is clearly misinformed at the national level is irresponsible.

To me, the upsides of the shows including getting parents to communicate with and support each other, getting the family to spend time together aren’t worth the downsides.

Please help, I have a 5 year old boy whose behavior is pretty bad at school.  He is spitting and trying to bite other kids! I dont know why he is doing this because he gets a lot of our attention and loving all the time. He is finding it hard to take instructions and discipline at school.  We do find it hard to discipline him at home too.  I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do to help him with it? Please can you help?  I have tried time outs in the naughty chair and taking toys or his laptop away from him.  Nothing seems to be working.

Sincerely,

Agnes

Dear Agnes,

There are two main issues to address here.  The first is finding a consistent discipline plan at home.  The second is to enlist help to best address the behaviors in the classroom.  I am going to point you to good resources for both.

You can learn a positive discipline approach by reading, taking live workshops or online classes.  Good books include

• Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson
• The Parent’s Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Dinkmeyer and McKay
• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish
• Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey
• Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm and Respectful Boundaries by MacKenzie

Depending on where you live you may be able to find a parenting workshop on positive discipline.  In the DC area there are classes through our Parenting Playgroups office (www.parentingplaygroups.com), the Parenting Encouragement Program (PEP at www.pepparent.org) or SCAN (www.scanva.org).

There are also many online services which offer positive discipline workshops.  This includes ours at Ask Dr. Rene (www.askdrrene.com), Positive Parenting (http://soullightcreative.com/positiveparenting/) and Positive Parenting Solutions (http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/) among others.

Quite a bit more information is needed to provide a helpful answer about his behavior at school.  The first thing I would do is take a parent-teacher conference and ask for as much description of the behaviors as you can and request that the school develops a specific plan to address him.  This likely will include an objective observation.  I often provide observation services to schools and families in our local area.  Request that an objective professional provide classroom observation time and teacher interview.  This could be done by your school’s guidance counselor or school psychologist or a hired, private school psychologist.  This person should be able to provide a list of recommendations for what is needed in the classroom.  It could be there is a learning concern or social skills difficulties that is impacting classroom behavior.  It could be that a fresh pair of eyes can contribute more than the teacher’s current view. Be open to listening to any and all recommendations.

I would be happy to provide more specific answers to the school and home situations if you’d like to send more detailed questions.

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

Please give it a try and let me know how it went!

• Before meals, children can be buttering rolls, serving green beans, taking drink orders, coloring placemats and writing menus.
• During meals, children can pass serving bowls, serve onto plates, decide topics of conversation and monitor manners (helps them to learn manners by being in charge of others).
• After meals, children can scrape plates, carry plates to the sink, load silver in the dishwasher and wipe the table.

Using choices to address behaviors can be an effective piese of managing mealtime behaviors.  For a child who won’t stay seated “do you want to sit by mommy or daddy today?” or “do you want to sit at the big table or your little table today?”  As with most behaviors, the idea is to try choices before consequences.  A positive logical consequence would be “if you can stay sit, you can butter the rolls.”  A negative logical consequence would be “if you are out of your chair, you’ll have to be buckled in the booster seat.”

In our two hour evening workshop we some of our time on ways to manage behaviors and some on avoiding pickiness.  Avoiding pickiness includes being in charge of only what is offered,avoiding short-order cooking and bribery.  To learn about these ideas and lots more, join us!

I messages and empathy are foundation pieces of positive discipline.  They are meant to be used as you enter into the exchange.  I messages are for sharing (and calming) your own emotions.  They are used when laying blame to be sure you are blaming behavior and situation not child.  Empathy validates the childs emotions and understands why they feel that way.  This tends to calm the child and put them in a better place to listen.  Positive Intent is identifying the good reason behind even the bad behavior.  It is not meant to excuse behavior away but rather to calm you, shift your approach to the child and lessen their defensiveness so they can take ownership of the behavior.  While I messages and empathy are as needed, positive intent is good to at least think everytime.

Choices are meant to change behaviors.  They work because they share power, when the child makes a choice he is buying into the process and closer to the behavior.  Remember, two positive choices that meet your goal.  Be flexible, be creative here.  Choices before consequences unless it’s aggression.  Natural consequences are what just might happen.  They are given as a warning and child is aloud to choose behavior.  Positive logical consequences are if the good behavior, the good outcome.  Negative logical consequences are if the bad behavior, the bad outcome.  Logical consequences are best when related in time, intensity and content. 

Let’s say your child is chasing and yelling at a playmate, trying to grab a toy the friend has.

• I message – I’m upset, people are grabbing. OR  I’m frustrated, this is too loud.
• Empathy – I know you are frustrated, it is hard to wait. OR Wow, you are upset. You really want that. 
• Positive Intent – You are excited about that toy.
• Choices – Do you want to play with this or that while you wait. OR Do you want to ask for or turn or do you want me to help.
• Natural Consequences – If you keep chasing, he might not want to play.
• Logical positive – If you can wait, I will be sure you have the next turn.
• Logical negative – If you keep grabbing, you may not have a turn. OR If you keep yelling, you’ll have to play in a separate room.

Does the positive discipline approach include Time-Out or 1-2-3 Magic? While I include both of these techniques in our Positive Discipline workshops, most do not catagorize these techniques as positive discipline. Both time-out and 1-2-3 magic along with reward systems and schedules are considered behavior modification tools. They are a more narrow and defined approach. I include them in our programs because if parents are choosing to use them, I want them to use them well. I want parents to know what all the pitfalls are and what is considered best practice.
What do I do when choices don’t work? Offering choices is an important piece of the positive discipline approach but there are several ways they don’t work. Some children just won’t choose or they choose one and then argue for the other or they do choose but won’t follow thru. When choices fail, you can choose for the child given a warning, you can slow down and walk them thru the pros and cons of each option, you can allow them a third option if they offer or you can move on to consequences. The idea is be flexible in the choices you give, be creative so it’s not the same choices everytime.
What if I use empathy and my child gets more upset? When you first start using empahty the flood gates may open. You may get a child who shoes greater upset because they feel someone is finally listening. This is common and should be worked thru. Other children just don’t like empathy. They don’t want you labeling their emotions. If that is the case you can try ‘story telling’, talk about a time when you felt that way or when someone else had a similar experiences. You are still understanding without focusing so heavily on their emotion. You might also try ‘wants and wishes’ which is talking about what the child wanted or wished would have happened rather than how they are feeling.
It it okay if it is just one parent using this approach, not both? Clearly it is beneficial if both parents are on the same page and sharing a similar approach. That said, one parent using positive discipline is better than neither. Hopefully the second will see the benefits over time. It may be helpful for that parent to read a book or take a workshop so the push towards positive discipline isn’t coming from you but from an outside source. If there are real differences (unless it is abusive) still work to support each other rather than undermine in moments of discipline.
Positive Intent doesn’t feel natural, do I have to use each step? I know I messages, empathy and positive intent may feel unnatural to some people. It may not be the language you grew up with. It may feel like we are letting children off the hook when really we are laying foundation for the hook of discipline. In any case, no, I don’t think the positive discipline approach is made on any particular skills. There are so many techniques available that parents should be able to work around one or two.
How can I learn more about this approach? There are good books: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey, Positive Discipline by Nelson, The Discipline Book by Sears & Sears to name a few. There are many good places to find workshops. In the DC/VA/MD are this includeds PEP (Parents Encouragement Program), SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now, which offers classes in English and Spanish) and JSSA (Jewish Social Services Agency). Of course, you can always join our programs or use our workbook.

Dear Carol,
The fencepost answer – it would be nice to work on finding similar ways and it is fine to have different styles in parenting. Your children are going to develop a different relationship with you than they have with your husband. Think about it growing up, you likely had different relationships with your parents and in most families this works fine. It teaches children to be flexible.

When there are disagreements, the general guideline is whoever starts it, get to finish it. This means, unless it is abusive, whichever parent starts a discipline exchange is allowed to finish it. The second parent should avoid undermining or arguing with the first. The second should not rescue the child or change the discipline in anyway. Of course, if the first parent is asking for help or handing the child off, it is fine to move on and differ. If the first parent is not asking for help or handing off, the second should ONLY reinforce by saying something like, “Listen to your father.” If you as the second parent REALLY disagree with the first, it is fine to take a few notes and discuss it later and well out of earshot of the child.

That said, it is nice when parents’ styles are in sync. You might want to read a discipline book together or sign-up for a parenting workshop. Finding common ground would mean for smoother times in general.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
http://www.askdrrene.com